Black Monday (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
65
1 Previously on Black Monday I came across some Georgina documents.
Yeah, I think that maybe we purchased some Georgina shares - back in the day.
- Oh, my God! - Who the fuck are you? - We're with the SEC.
- We'll be in touch.
- We've had some threats, uh, with Tiffany, e-ever since Calvin Klein's daughter was kidnapped.
Mo and I dated a very long time ago.
Mo! Damn it.
So this is it? You're gonna stay here with him? I tried everything to make this work because I love you.
Do you even want to get married? Those aren't cops.
They're fucking actors.
Brendan books a pilot every year.
Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
So no matter how drunk I get tonight, wake me up, because remember, we're meeting my folks downtown at nine a.
m.
to look at that apartment on the Upper West Side.
And remind me, what's the difference between the Upper West and the Upper East? My mom made up a mnemonic device for me as a kid.
"Upper West, West, West is best, best, best.
Upper East, East, East is Jewish.
" Is Nair supposed to burn my eyes from this distance? Yeah, baby.
Tiff, you know, I've been doing really well at work lately, and we could afford a place on our own if we were willing just to move a little bit more downtown.
"Downtown is brown, brown, brown.
" Blair, every newlywed's parents buy them an apartment.
Duh.
The only thing you should work on is letting yourself be happy.
Everything's perfect.
Is it? Because we still haven't really talked about the engagement party.
- What about? - It was crappy.
Well, you know what they say.
"Crappy engagement, happy marriage.
" - No one says that.
- Well, I do.
How about the fact that I didn't come home that night? I just assumed you were busy with work junk, and if I assumed correctly, cross your arms.
Oh, perfect.
I just think, in light of the last couple months, maybe we should think about - postponing the wedding.
- No.
There's that P word again.
We were in The Times Vows section, Blair, not the disavows section.
We are getting married, we are getting a place on the Upper West Side, and I am getting sozzled at my goddamned bachelorette party wearing a goddamned penis crown.
And if you agree with all that, blink.
Oh, God.
Perfect.
I love you.
Just a minute.
Who is it? Oh, my God! All those fair-weather Halley's Comet fans from last year don't know what they're missing.
1987 is the year of the comet.
There's gonna be 11 visible tonight.
- Eleven! - Ooh, is that a lot? Only the most since 1912.
The only person I've seen more excited about burning rocks is Lawrence Taylor.
- Who? - He's a Giant.
Crackhead.
We all have our hobbies.
Mine is astronomy.
Yours is lying to me.
All right, how about tonight, we snuggle up on the couch with a bottle of wine and watch your comets? And then maybe you won't sleep on the couch anymore.
I don't know if I'm ready for that.
Babe, come on.
I said some things.
You said some things.
But don't you miss these things? Let's "comet" to ending this fight.
I love you.
Oh, me too.
Especially when you get all astronomical with it.
- Ooh.
- Super hot.
It's a date.
Okay, I'll pick up a bottle on my way back from Tiff's bachelorette.
What? Are you serious? You think I want to go? I told you, the Georgina play only works if they get married, and they're not in a great place.
We are not in a great place! I worked too hard on this.
And it's a lot of money, baby.
Twenty minutes.
I'm not even gonna stay for a drink.
I promise.
- Go.
- Thank you, thank you.
Thank you! Wakey, wakey.
Oh, there he is.
- Surprise! - What the fuck? Wha in what world is it okay to kidnap someone? Oh, people kidnap each other all the time for these bachelor party joke things.
You know, it's called "kidding-napping" - for a reason, Blair.
- No, it's not.
And you used chloroform.
- Well, that's the napping part.
- Who uses chloroform? Uh, Colonel John Hannibal Smith, Faceman, Howling Man Murdock Now you're just listing the A-Team.
- You changed my shirt? - Blair, they used to - What the fuck is this? - chloroform Mr.
all the time, okay? He was always fine afterward.
Just because something works on TV doesn't make it okay.
Will you just try to have fun? - Chad, stop the car! - Nope.
Don't stop shit.
Come on, Blair.
We got a whole night of surprises planned.
You're just pissed off about your engagement party, - but to be honest, you - I'm not pissed about the engagement party.
I am pissed that you never say "I'm sorry" for anything ever.
Well, I'm sorry that I have a policy about never apologizing to white people.
Why? Because Sting won all those Grammys over "Thriller"? Because of slavery, Blair.
Slavery.
Sorry.
Man, I thought grabbing you and going all grand gesture would make it up to you in a two birds, one stone, three eight balls, four scores of Scores girls kind of way.
It doesn't even matter.
I don't think I can marry Tiff anymore.
You don't what? Thank you.
Good night.
Good ni hey, why are we stopping? - What the fuck? - Everyone out of the car! - Oh, God.
- Now! Another prank? Mo, I would've thought you would've learned your lesson, but, no, you got to double down.
This isn't a fucking prank, kid.
What are you, Thug One and Thug Two? "Oh, the places you'll go.
The things you will do!" Hey, open your mouth again, and I'll shit up your ass, bitch.
That sounds complicated.
- Oh, I'll make it work.
- Oh.
Hey, let's go Last Dragon on these motherfuckers.
Really? You son of a Sweet.
What's the next surprise? So first it was your anniversary.
Then your daughter's birthday.
- Then your son's quinceañera? - Then your aunt died.
- Then your uncle died.
- Then your car died.
Then your wife dyed her hair the wrong shade, so you had to rush her to the salon? How is that even an excuse? Well, what can I say? I'm a busy guy.
I'm a busy, important, law-abiding, super-cool guy, but I'm here now, so let's get this ménage on the trois.
- Keith, we don't want you.
- Oh, well.
You don't know what you're missing, 'cause I go downtown.
We want Maurice Monroe for all the illegal shit the Jammer Group's been up to, and you are gonna give him to us.
And why the fuck would I do that? The SEC has taken down exactly uh, what is it? Oh, zero people? Okay, by the time you build a case, Reagan hallowed be thy name will make it legal.
Well, we're about to change all that.
We got an open-and-shut case of stock manipulation.
So either you cooperate, or you're gonna go down with Mo.
You want to go to prison, Keith? All right, what do you got? This? F.
A.
T.
? That's all you got? Well, uh, I hope you like your nothing burger with nothing on it, because this is nothing.
Then how do you explain the highly abnormal one-day trading pattern for Federal Allied Titanium on October 20th of last year? It was a prank.
A fucking goof.
This is rich.
To think that we were afraid of you two Columb-hos.
Columbos, but with "ho.
" - We get it.
- Bullshit.
Call MoStan, okay? Call Ty Daverman.
And he will set you two chicks straight, okay? - Speaking of straight - Deb.
You're gay.
No, I'm not.
You're gay, and we know it.
So why don't you have a seat, Colum-homo? Thought so.
Someone? - Thank you.
- Dawn? Come on in! Hi! Hey, uh, sorry I'm super late.
Or am I super early? Why is no one here? Let's drank.
Waiter! Get my girl some dranks! - I'm so glad you came.
- Of course.
You know I had to come celebrate the world's strongest couple.
Well, second strongest behind Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen, right? - Those two are yoked.
- You're hilarious.
And you're gonna love my girlfriends.
They're always joking around and running at least 52 minutes late.
I mean, this is, like, so them.
Dickcessory? Oh, uh, actually, I'm good.
You're dangerous.
No, I'm good, actually.
No no white dicks for me after Labor Day.
- Oh! Boom! Again.
- No, it's Dawn Rickles.
You should charge a two-drink minimum for yourself.
Get my girl two drinks! Sit.
More piñas coladas, ma'am? Call me ma'am again.
I want you to.
And for you miss? Um, I'm-I'm actually good.
I just came to say a quick hello.
No, don't leave.
I mean, I just I want you to hang, 'cause I really want to get to know the woman that stole my Care Blair away.
Wait, Tiff, I-I don't know what you think is going on, but I mean, just 'cause you're his boss and you make him work late and stuff.
What did you think I meant? That I am his boss and always making him stay late, working.
Can I have a Scotch? Oh, this is so scary, Mo.
The car fire's a little on the nose, though.
It's not a fucking prank, okay, Blair? We're lost in goddamn Little Beirut.
And I lost a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
Oh, come on.
Okay, it's a quarter of a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
It was mostly, you know, Fiero with a little Town Car thrown in there.
- But still, it stings.
- No, I mean, "Come on, I don't believe you.
" Look, no offense, but I'm just gonna get a cab and go home.
I got to figure out what I'm doing with Tiff.
You know, this is the second time you've said this shit.
Figure what out? Spill it.
I just feel like me and Tiff, it's just not it just is not Wow.
You thought of everything.
The "cops" are here.
No, no, I didn't set this up.
We should go this way, man.
- Let's go this way.
- No.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna go talk to the fuzz.
- No, don't go talk to the - Yeah.
fucking fuzz! Hey! - Officers! - Blair! Officers! Hi.
I was just wondering if either of you T.
J.
Hooker extras had a chance to try the canapés at my engagement party before you fucking trashed the place.
What? Who the fuck are you? Mo! Next time you call Central Casting, you got to be specific.
Don't just say "big.
" You should've said "tough.
" They sent the fucking Fat Boys.
Please, do not shoot my dumb-ass friend.
Shut the fuck up! Come on, you got to try to sell that punch better.
Who'd you boost this watch off, huh, bro? Listen, we're not gonna say anything, okay? We didn't see anything! Just let us go! Okay, look - I'm tired.
- Blair.
I want to go home.
What are we supposed to say? "Time out" or "olly, olly, oxen free"? Fucking actors.
- Oh! - Shit, that felt real.
Whoa.
It is real, you dumb fuck.
Point it at the dirty cops.
- Okay.
- Get-get on the ground.
I'm just backing away.
I'm sorry.
Sorry about this.
Thank you for your service! Get back here! I'll fucking kill you! - Get the fuck back here! - Get back here! Oh, shit.
Give us a case, or we'll tell everyone you're more flaming than Fire Island, which works on two levels.
- Come on, Deb.
- We'll tell your wife.
We'll tell Mo.
We'll tell your son.
Okay.
Nice.
Told you he'd be in.
No, no, I meant "Okay, go for it.
" Tell the world that I long for schlong.
Agent Fox isn't fucking joking.
I mean, there was a joke in the way that she said it.
I'm not joking either, okay? You know, God's a funny fuck, isn't He? Maybe this is the final push I've needed, you know? I've been wanting to tell my family forever, and Mo only cares that I'm gay for money, so do it.
Now, if there aren't any further questions, your ho-nors that's "your honors" but with "ho" - Not your best work.
- No, we, uh we got another ace up our sleeves, so - Mm-hmm.
- We will be back.
Time to break out the big guns.
I'm telling you, every girl is caught between a Jake and a Ted.
- Who? - From Sixteen Candles.
- I haven't seen it.
- What? - No.
- No! You haven't seen it? - Uh-uh.
- Okay.
So Jake Ryan is this super-hot badass.
- Mm-hmm.
- And Ted is this dweeb.
- Oof.
- And I'm marrying a total Ted, which is crazy because all I'd ever been with are Jakes.
- Oh - I lost my virginity - to a real bad boy.
- Who? - Bill Laimbeer.
- Ah! The Piston? More like the noodle.
We went to theater camp together.
I hope he was a better actor back then.
- It's a basketball joke.
- Mm.
'Cause Anyway, I hear you, honestly.
You know, I was all Jakes, and then I married a real fucking Ted.
I told you, I told you.
- Oh, God, Dawn.
- Hmm? Am I making a huge mistake? - No, no! - Tell me.
No, I promise you.
Blair Blair's great.
Like, really great.
Tiff, you are a lucky girl.
And you and I, we both know, you know, bad boys are just bad.
Yeah.
Except Jake Ryan.
He had a heart of gold.
- Mm.
- When he found out all Ted wanted was to lose his virginity, Jake let him have sex with his passed-out girlfriend.
- What the fuck? - I know.
Wow.
And that was in movie theaters? - Yeah.
- And white people were just like, "Cool"? Oh, my God.
I guess that is super fucked up.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's happening? What's happening? I'm pretty sure Blair tried to call off the wedding tonight.
And it's gonna be super embarrassing, but I think I'm gonna just gonna take him up on it.
- No.
Why? - 'Cause we're cursed.
We're cursed.
I-I no, no.
Just drink your penis.
It's gonna be okay.
I promise.
What a fucking night, right? - Oh! - Oh, you handled that gun - like a champ.
- Shit! Sorry, I thought it was fake, Mo.
And I am sorry for kidnapping you, but that was fresh.
Yes! Ooh! What a team, right? Brains and beauty, witty and pretty, and, hey, you bring some shit to the table, too, kid.
Oh, my God, we're alive in a stolen cop car.
- Yeah.
- We cheated death.
- We fucking did.
- What do we do now? - Let's drink till we die! - Yes! Hey, there's a spot right over here.
- All right.
- Okay.
Who breaks up before their wedding and still ends up happy together? Lots of people.
Uh yeah, O.
J.
Simpson and that blonde girl he just married.
- Yeah.
- Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood I mean, they married each other twice and were so happy until they drifted apart literally.
And the engagement party was such a disaster.
Not to mention he was out all night with some prostitute probably.
No, no, probably not.
I tried to talk to my minister, but I'm only an Operating Thetan IV, and he won't discuss it until I go up the Bridge, but that's, like, another 100 grand.
Trust me, Tiff.
You are not cursed.
Yeah? Really? Then how come no one showed up to my bachelorette party, Dawn? Maybe they got caught in the park and killed.
You're sweet.
But I think this is the final sign.
- Check, please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Maybe it's a good thing your fake-ass friends didn't show.
- Why? - Well, you've outgrown them.
Okay? You have new, sophisticated friends like me.
Right? Now, who needs those skanks? All we need are drinks.
Haven't you ever fallen out of love, Dawn? You know, you keep holding on, hoping to get that feeling back, but the tighter you grip it, the further away it gets.
And then one day you wake up, and you're two totally different people and you wonder how you even got together in the first place.
Haven't you ever felt that, Dawn? No.
I've never felt that.
- We're like Miami Vice.
- Exactly.
- Tiff? Dawn? - Blair? Are you crying? Are you okay? I don't think so.
What are you doing here? Jesus Christ, this night can't get any crazier.
We almost got killed, okay? Twice.
And then we come in here randomly to get a drink, and then you two are here.
If this isn't a sign that these two kids are soul mates, I don't know what is, right, Dawn? - Right, Dawn? - Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Ye "yeah, sure"? More like "hell, yeah, sure.
" Hey, waiter, listen, a bottle of your finest champagne will not cut it.
We need four of those motherfuckers and then tequila shots, 'cause we're getting crazy tonight.
Oh, man, can you believe this coincidence? No.
Ok huh? No? Ah, wha Ugh, smug Chia Pet motherfucker.
There's got to be something we missed.
The only other thing we found was this.
They've been buying up Georgina Jeans like crazy.
What? When I went through their quarterlies, they weren't holding any major positions.
They were up to 40%.
They must've gotten spooked and sold it off or something.
Or they hid it to throw off the Street and us.
Captain's log.
Captain Keith T.
Shanker reporting for duty.
This planet is full of assholes, a - Feet off the table.
- Fucking touch me again, - and I'll sue.
- So we know you don't care if we tell your son about your boyfriend, but how would you feel if we told your son and your boyfriend that they're going to jail for illegal share parking? You know, I think your son's gonna have a really hard time getting into Brandeis with that on his permanent record.
Believe me, Brad's gonna have a hard time getting into any college.
Well, I bet your boyfriend's gonna have a real hard time in prison actually, he might like it.
Can we cool it with the gay panic stuff, Deb? - My cousin's a fairy.
- Bullshit.
I don't have any idea what you're talking about.
Liar, liar, jeans on fire.
Nice.
See? That was a good, clean one.
Thanks.
How do you feel now, Keith? Fuck me.
Okay.
What do you need me to do? Be honest, Mo.
You didn't know they were here? And, Dawn, you didn't tip them off - that I was getting cold feet? - Wait a second.
- Why do you have cold feet? - You're getting cold feet? - Because you are! - I'm-I'm just confused.
Don't you love me anymore? Yes, he loves you anymore.
This is insane, guys.
Cold feet is normal.
It's very normal.
- Right, Dawn? - Cold feet are normal.
- See that? - But you got to listen - to your heart.
- I know.
- What the fuck? - Mo, shut up! Listen, find the person you want to be with based on who they are, not who they aren't.
Trust me, if you pick a Ted just because a bunch of Jakes broke your heart, you're gonna be lonely.
W-wait, wait, wait.
W-who's Ted and Jake? - Sixteen Candles.
- Sixteen Candles.
That movie's fucked.
Long Duk Dong? Talk about a goddamn minstrel show right there.
All right, the point is, if you marry the wrong person, you will regret it every day.
Well, just 'cause Dawn should've married her bad boy - This isn't about you.
- Oh.
This isn't about Spencer.
This is about me.
This me.
Tiffa-me.
Well, you used "me" as a metaphor.
- No, I didn't.
- Uh, I'm pretty sure - that you did.
- How am I a Ted? I am a Jake.
I've always reminded myself of a Jake.
You're Ted tip to tush.
T-E-D, Ted.
You're a little Teddy bear.
Tiff and Blair are perfect for each other.
You don't know that, and I don't know that.
Only they know that.
Guys, it's really fucking simple.
- Are you in love? - Yes.
Are you in love? Hmm? - I - Hey, slut! You came! Sluts.
Sorry we're late.
We were pre-gaming at Bunny's with a new Bartles & Jaymes flavor.
And long story short, we ralphed.
It was a prototype! And if we're being honest, after your whole engagement party fiasco, we just thought you might call the whole wedding off.
Call off the wedding? Call off the wedding? Call off off the wedding? Call off the wedding? Okay, as if, slut! - That's so ghetto.
- Oh, okay.
Blair and I are stronger than ever, right, Blair? - Ooh! - Thank God! 'Cause for a second there, I was like, "Ew.
" - Ew! - Now let's go to Danceteria! This place is so last weekend.
They're letting anyone in.
No offense.
- Are you trying to get Jap slapped? - I will fucking knock this Barbie bitch's head off the fucking neck.
- Dawn, thank you so much for the talk.
- Bye.
You made me realize that Blair and I are perfect for each other.
Bye, Care Blair.
Bye, guys.
- Oh.
- Wait for me, girls! Have fun, ladies! What was that bullshit? It wasn't bullshit.
I got to go.
Okay, well, good night.
Fuck you, Mo.
Eh, pbbt! Chicks, right? - You know what we need to do? - I can't marry Tiff.
What do you what do you mean you can't marry Tiff? Of course you're gonna marry Tiff.
- You're not the boss of me.
- Technically At work, yes, but Tiff is not work.
I mean, yes, she can be very trying at times, but-but why are you so invested in my relationship? Because I am literally invested.
What? Okay, I'm gonna confess something to you.
I know.
You fucked with the toothbrush in my desk.
But that is just a decoy, as is the toothbrush in the supply closet.
- My real toothbrush - Is in a Ziploc bag in the bathroom in the ceiling tile, second stall.
- Oh, dear God.
- That's not the thing.
Listen, Blair, I Okay, when I said we were friends, that was real I meant that.
But the truth is, I've been playing you, kid from the beginning.
The coke, the arrest, it was it was a con.
I was trying to make sure that you worked for me so that I could, you know, work on getting those sweet, sweet ungettable Georgina family shares, but that was before we were boys.
Now just listen.
Before you say anything, I want you to think, 'cause if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you're smart.
Now, you just said that you cannot marry Tiff, right? So you're gonna break her heart anyway.
I mean, why not give her the wedding of her dreams first? Let's run the Georgina play me and you, together, as a team.
It makes sense.
I mean, it makes more than cents.
It makes dollars.
It makes tens of millions of dollars.
For us.
For two guys who were never handed a fucking thing their whole goddamn lives.
Let's do it.
What do you say? Fuck you.
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
And, Maurice I quit.
Oh, hey.
What's up, man? Good to see you.
Oh, well, well, well.
Welcome, welcome.
Mm.
Sorry I'm late.
- I, uh, I got caught up.
- Hey, hey, no problemo, Kiki! Hey, um I, um Can I can I give you something? - Uh, yes? - Okay.
I'll just hold on here.
Okay.
This, um, is very special to me.
- I want you - Mm! to have it.
- Oh, here, just okay.
- What is happening? All right, yeah.
Yeah! Here, take a look.
Take a look.
- Oh! - You like it? Yeah, I love it.
I want you to know that no matter what goes down I will always love you.
And you say I'm the dramatic one.
- Well - This is like a scene from "Steel Fagnolias.
" I would've said "Terms of Enqueerment.
" - How dare you? - Oh, come on.
Oh, here, drink your juice, Shelby.
Oh, okay, yeah.
"Help my daughter.
" - Okay.
- Oh! Bingo.
Listen, Spence.
- I'm sorry.
- No, baby, I'm sorry.
You know, I've been sitting here, annoyed that we missed a night together.
But work's a big part of who you are, and I love who you are.
And I'll take however much of you I can get.
Hey, at least you made it back in time for the comet.
I want a divorce.
What? Tiff? - Oh, my God! Aah! - Tiff! Help me! Help me! Get your hands off me! Oh! Ah! Blair, call my dad! Tiff!
Yeah, I think that maybe we purchased some Georgina shares - back in the day.
- Oh, my God! - Who the fuck are you? - We're with the SEC.
- We'll be in touch.
- We've had some threats, uh, with Tiffany, e-ever since Calvin Klein's daughter was kidnapped.
Mo and I dated a very long time ago.
Mo! Damn it.
So this is it? You're gonna stay here with him? I tried everything to make this work because I love you.
Do you even want to get married? Those aren't cops.
They're fucking actors.
Brendan books a pilot every year.
Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
So no matter how drunk I get tonight, wake me up, because remember, we're meeting my folks downtown at nine a.
m.
to look at that apartment on the Upper West Side.
And remind me, what's the difference between the Upper West and the Upper East? My mom made up a mnemonic device for me as a kid.
"Upper West, West, West is best, best, best.
Upper East, East, East is Jewish.
" Is Nair supposed to burn my eyes from this distance? Yeah, baby.
Tiff, you know, I've been doing really well at work lately, and we could afford a place on our own if we were willing just to move a little bit more downtown.
"Downtown is brown, brown, brown.
" Blair, every newlywed's parents buy them an apartment.
Duh.
The only thing you should work on is letting yourself be happy.
Everything's perfect.
Is it? Because we still haven't really talked about the engagement party.
- What about? - It was crappy.
Well, you know what they say.
"Crappy engagement, happy marriage.
" - No one says that.
- Well, I do.
How about the fact that I didn't come home that night? I just assumed you were busy with work junk, and if I assumed correctly, cross your arms.
Oh, perfect.
I just think, in light of the last couple months, maybe we should think about - postponing the wedding.
- No.
There's that P word again.
We were in The Times Vows section, Blair, not the disavows section.
We are getting married, we are getting a place on the Upper West Side, and I am getting sozzled at my goddamned bachelorette party wearing a goddamned penis crown.
And if you agree with all that, blink.
Oh, God.
Perfect.
I love you.
Just a minute.
Who is it? Oh, my God! All those fair-weather Halley's Comet fans from last year don't know what they're missing.
1987 is the year of the comet.
There's gonna be 11 visible tonight.
- Eleven! - Ooh, is that a lot? Only the most since 1912.
The only person I've seen more excited about burning rocks is Lawrence Taylor.
- Who? - He's a Giant.
Crackhead.
We all have our hobbies.
Mine is astronomy.
Yours is lying to me.
All right, how about tonight, we snuggle up on the couch with a bottle of wine and watch your comets? And then maybe you won't sleep on the couch anymore.
I don't know if I'm ready for that.
Babe, come on.
I said some things.
You said some things.
But don't you miss these things? Let's "comet" to ending this fight.
I love you.
Oh, me too.
Especially when you get all astronomical with it.
- Ooh.
- Super hot.
It's a date.
Okay, I'll pick up a bottle on my way back from Tiff's bachelorette.
What? Are you serious? You think I want to go? I told you, the Georgina play only works if they get married, and they're not in a great place.
We are not in a great place! I worked too hard on this.
And it's a lot of money, baby.
Twenty minutes.
I'm not even gonna stay for a drink.
I promise.
- Go.
- Thank you, thank you.
Thank you! Wakey, wakey.
Oh, there he is.
- Surprise! - What the fuck? Wha in what world is it okay to kidnap someone? Oh, people kidnap each other all the time for these bachelor party joke things.
You know, it's called "kidding-napping" - for a reason, Blair.
- No, it's not.
And you used chloroform.
- Well, that's the napping part.
- Who uses chloroform? Uh, Colonel John Hannibal Smith, Faceman, Howling Man Murdock Now you're just listing the A-Team.
- You changed my shirt? - Blair, they used to - What the fuck is this? - chloroform Mr.
all the time, okay? He was always fine afterward.
Just because something works on TV doesn't make it okay.
Will you just try to have fun? - Chad, stop the car! - Nope.
Don't stop shit.
Come on, Blair.
We got a whole night of surprises planned.
You're just pissed off about your engagement party, - but to be honest, you - I'm not pissed about the engagement party.
I am pissed that you never say "I'm sorry" for anything ever.
Well, I'm sorry that I have a policy about never apologizing to white people.
Why? Because Sting won all those Grammys over "Thriller"? Because of slavery, Blair.
Slavery.
Sorry.
Man, I thought grabbing you and going all grand gesture would make it up to you in a two birds, one stone, three eight balls, four scores of Scores girls kind of way.
It doesn't even matter.
I don't think I can marry Tiff anymore.
You don't what? Thank you.
Good night.
Good ni hey, why are we stopping? - What the fuck? - Everyone out of the car! - Oh, God.
- Now! Another prank? Mo, I would've thought you would've learned your lesson, but, no, you got to double down.
This isn't a fucking prank, kid.
What are you, Thug One and Thug Two? "Oh, the places you'll go.
The things you will do!" Hey, open your mouth again, and I'll shit up your ass, bitch.
That sounds complicated.
- Oh, I'll make it work.
- Oh.
Hey, let's go Last Dragon on these motherfuckers.
Really? You son of a Sweet.
What's the next surprise? So first it was your anniversary.
Then your daughter's birthday.
- Then your son's quinceañera? - Then your aunt died.
- Then your uncle died.
- Then your car died.
Then your wife dyed her hair the wrong shade, so you had to rush her to the salon? How is that even an excuse? Well, what can I say? I'm a busy guy.
I'm a busy, important, law-abiding, super-cool guy, but I'm here now, so let's get this ménage on the trois.
- Keith, we don't want you.
- Oh, well.
You don't know what you're missing, 'cause I go downtown.
We want Maurice Monroe for all the illegal shit the Jammer Group's been up to, and you are gonna give him to us.
And why the fuck would I do that? The SEC has taken down exactly uh, what is it? Oh, zero people? Okay, by the time you build a case, Reagan hallowed be thy name will make it legal.
Well, we're about to change all that.
We got an open-and-shut case of stock manipulation.
So either you cooperate, or you're gonna go down with Mo.
You want to go to prison, Keith? All right, what do you got? This? F.
A.
T.
? That's all you got? Well, uh, I hope you like your nothing burger with nothing on it, because this is nothing.
Then how do you explain the highly abnormal one-day trading pattern for Federal Allied Titanium on October 20th of last year? It was a prank.
A fucking goof.
This is rich.
To think that we were afraid of you two Columb-hos.
Columbos, but with "ho.
" - We get it.
- Bullshit.
Call MoStan, okay? Call Ty Daverman.
And he will set you two chicks straight, okay? - Speaking of straight - Deb.
You're gay.
No, I'm not.
You're gay, and we know it.
So why don't you have a seat, Colum-homo? Thought so.
Someone? - Thank you.
- Dawn? Come on in! Hi! Hey, uh, sorry I'm super late.
Or am I super early? Why is no one here? Let's drank.
Waiter! Get my girl some dranks! - I'm so glad you came.
- Of course.
You know I had to come celebrate the world's strongest couple.
Well, second strongest behind Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen, right? - Those two are yoked.
- You're hilarious.
And you're gonna love my girlfriends.
They're always joking around and running at least 52 minutes late.
I mean, this is, like, so them.
Dickcessory? Oh, uh, actually, I'm good.
You're dangerous.
No, I'm good, actually.
No no white dicks for me after Labor Day.
- Oh! Boom! Again.
- No, it's Dawn Rickles.
You should charge a two-drink minimum for yourself.
Get my girl two drinks! Sit.
More piñas coladas, ma'am? Call me ma'am again.
I want you to.
And for you miss? Um, I'm-I'm actually good.
I just came to say a quick hello.
No, don't leave.
I mean, I just I want you to hang, 'cause I really want to get to know the woman that stole my Care Blair away.
Wait, Tiff, I-I don't know what you think is going on, but I mean, just 'cause you're his boss and you make him work late and stuff.
What did you think I meant? That I am his boss and always making him stay late, working.
Can I have a Scotch? Oh, this is so scary, Mo.
The car fire's a little on the nose, though.
It's not a fucking prank, okay, Blair? We're lost in goddamn Little Beirut.
And I lost a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
Oh, come on.
Okay, it's a quarter of a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
It was mostly, you know, Fiero with a little Town Car thrown in there.
- But still, it stings.
- No, I mean, "Come on, I don't believe you.
" Look, no offense, but I'm just gonna get a cab and go home.
I got to figure out what I'm doing with Tiff.
You know, this is the second time you've said this shit.
Figure what out? Spill it.
I just feel like me and Tiff, it's just not it just is not Wow.
You thought of everything.
The "cops" are here.
No, no, I didn't set this up.
We should go this way, man.
- Let's go this way.
- No.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna go talk to the fuzz.
- No, don't go talk to the - Yeah.
fucking fuzz! Hey! - Officers! - Blair! Officers! Hi.
I was just wondering if either of you T.
J.
Hooker extras had a chance to try the canapés at my engagement party before you fucking trashed the place.
What? Who the fuck are you? Mo! Next time you call Central Casting, you got to be specific.
Don't just say "big.
" You should've said "tough.
" They sent the fucking Fat Boys.
Please, do not shoot my dumb-ass friend.
Shut the fuck up! Come on, you got to try to sell that punch better.
Who'd you boost this watch off, huh, bro? Listen, we're not gonna say anything, okay? We didn't see anything! Just let us go! Okay, look - I'm tired.
- Blair.
I want to go home.
What are we supposed to say? "Time out" or "olly, olly, oxen free"? Fucking actors.
- Oh! - Shit, that felt real.
Whoa.
It is real, you dumb fuck.
Point it at the dirty cops.
- Okay.
- Get-get on the ground.
I'm just backing away.
I'm sorry.
Sorry about this.
Thank you for your service! Get back here! I'll fucking kill you! - Get the fuck back here! - Get back here! Oh, shit.
Give us a case, or we'll tell everyone you're more flaming than Fire Island, which works on two levels.
- Come on, Deb.
- We'll tell your wife.
We'll tell Mo.
We'll tell your son.
Okay.
Nice.
Told you he'd be in.
No, no, I meant "Okay, go for it.
" Tell the world that I long for schlong.
Agent Fox isn't fucking joking.
I mean, there was a joke in the way that she said it.
I'm not joking either, okay? You know, God's a funny fuck, isn't He? Maybe this is the final push I've needed, you know? I've been wanting to tell my family forever, and Mo only cares that I'm gay for money, so do it.
Now, if there aren't any further questions, your ho-nors that's "your honors" but with "ho" - Not your best work.
- No, we, uh we got another ace up our sleeves, so - Mm-hmm.
- We will be back.
Time to break out the big guns.
I'm telling you, every girl is caught between a Jake and a Ted.
- Who? - From Sixteen Candles.
- I haven't seen it.
- What? - No.
- No! You haven't seen it? - Uh-uh.
- Okay.
So Jake Ryan is this super-hot badass.
- Mm-hmm.
- And Ted is this dweeb.
- Oof.
- And I'm marrying a total Ted, which is crazy because all I'd ever been with are Jakes.
- Oh - I lost my virginity - to a real bad boy.
- Who? - Bill Laimbeer.
- Ah! The Piston? More like the noodle.
We went to theater camp together.
I hope he was a better actor back then.
- It's a basketball joke.
- Mm.
'Cause Anyway, I hear you, honestly.
You know, I was all Jakes, and then I married a real fucking Ted.
I told you, I told you.
- Oh, God, Dawn.
- Hmm? Am I making a huge mistake? - No, no! - Tell me.
No, I promise you.
Blair Blair's great.
Like, really great.
Tiff, you are a lucky girl.
And you and I, we both know, you know, bad boys are just bad.
Yeah.
Except Jake Ryan.
He had a heart of gold.
- Mm.
- When he found out all Ted wanted was to lose his virginity, Jake let him have sex with his passed-out girlfriend.
- What the fuck? - I know.
Wow.
And that was in movie theaters? - Yeah.
- And white people were just like, "Cool"? Oh, my God.
I guess that is super fucked up.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's happening? What's happening? I'm pretty sure Blair tried to call off the wedding tonight.
And it's gonna be super embarrassing, but I think I'm gonna just gonna take him up on it.
- No.
Why? - 'Cause we're cursed.
We're cursed.
I-I no, no.
Just drink your penis.
It's gonna be okay.
I promise.
What a fucking night, right? - Oh! - Oh, you handled that gun - like a champ.
- Shit! Sorry, I thought it was fake, Mo.
And I am sorry for kidnapping you, but that was fresh.
Yes! Ooh! What a team, right? Brains and beauty, witty and pretty, and, hey, you bring some shit to the table, too, kid.
Oh, my God, we're alive in a stolen cop car.
- Yeah.
- We cheated death.
- We fucking did.
- What do we do now? - Let's drink till we die! - Yes! Hey, there's a spot right over here.
- All right.
- Okay.
Who breaks up before their wedding and still ends up happy together? Lots of people.
Uh yeah, O.
J.
Simpson and that blonde girl he just married.
- Yeah.
- Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood I mean, they married each other twice and were so happy until they drifted apart literally.
And the engagement party was such a disaster.
Not to mention he was out all night with some prostitute probably.
No, no, probably not.
I tried to talk to my minister, but I'm only an Operating Thetan IV, and he won't discuss it until I go up the Bridge, but that's, like, another 100 grand.
Trust me, Tiff.
You are not cursed.
Yeah? Really? Then how come no one showed up to my bachelorette party, Dawn? Maybe they got caught in the park and killed.
You're sweet.
But I think this is the final sign.
- Check, please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Maybe it's a good thing your fake-ass friends didn't show.
- Why? - Well, you've outgrown them.
Okay? You have new, sophisticated friends like me.
Right? Now, who needs those skanks? All we need are drinks.
Haven't you ever fallen out of love, Dawn? You know, you keep holding on, hoping to get that feeling back, but the tighter you grip it, the further away it gets.
And then one day you wake up, and you're two totally different people and you wonder how you even got together in the first place.
Haven't you ever felt that, Dawn? No.
I've never felt that.
- We're like Miami Vice.
- Exactly.
- Tiff? Dawn? - Blair? Are you crying? Are you okay? I don't think so.
What are you doing here? Jesus Christ, this night can't get any crazier.
We almost got killed, okay? Twice.
And then we come in here randomly to get a drink, and then you two are here.
If this isn't a sign that these two kids are soul mates, I don't know what is, right, Dawn? - Right, Dawn? - Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Ye "yeah, sure"? More like "hell, yeah, sure.
" Hey, waiter, listen, a bottle of your finest champagne will not cut it.
We need four of those motherfuckers and then tequila shots, 'cause we're getting crazy tonight.
Oh, man, can you believe this coincidence? No.
Ok huh? No? Ah, wha Ugh, smug Chia Pet motherfucker.
There's got to be something we missed.
The only other thing we found was this.
They've been buying up Georgina Jeans like crazy.
What? When I went through their quarterlies, they weren't holding any major positions.
They were up to 40%.
They must've gotten spooked and sold it off or something.
Or they hid it to throw off the Street and us.
Captain's log.
Captain Keith T.
Shanker reporting for duty.
This planet is full of assholes, a - Feet off the table.
- Fucking touch me again, - and I'll sue.
- So we know you don't care if we tell your son about your boyfriend, but how would you feel if we told your son and your boyfriend that they're going to jail for illegal share parking? You know, I think your son's gonna have a really hard time getting into Brandeis with that on his permanent record.
Believe me, Brad's gonna have a hard time getting into any college.
Well, I bet your boyfriend's gonna have a real hard time in prison actually, he might like it.
Can we cool it with the gay panic stuff, Deb? - My cousin's a fairy.
- Bullshit.
I don't have any idea what you're talking about.
Liar, liar, jeans on fire.
Nice.
See? That was a good, clean one.
Thanks.
How do you feel now, Keith? Fuck me.
Okay.
What do you need me to do? Be honest, Mo.
You didn't know they were here? And, Dawn, you didn't tip them off - that I was getting cold feet? - Wait a second.
- Why do you have cold feet? - You're getting cold feet? - Because you are! - I'm-I'm just confused.
Don't you love me anymore? Yes, he loves you anymore.
This is insane, guys.
Cold feet is normal.
It's very normal.
- Right, Dawn? - Cold feet are normal.
- See that? - But you got to listen - to your heart.
- I know.
- What the fuck? - Mo, shut up! Listen, find the person you want to be with based on who they are, not who they aren't.
Trust me, if you pick a Ted just because a bunch of Jakes broke your heart, you're gonna be lonely.
W-wait, wait, wait.
W-who's Ted and Jake? - Sixteen Candles.
- Sixteen Candles.
That movie's fucked.
Long Duk Dong? Talk about a goddamn minstrel show right there.
All right, the point is, if you marry the wrong person, you will regret it every day.
Well, just 'cause Dawn should've married her bad boy - This isn't about you.
- Oh.
This isn't about Spencer.
This is about me.
This me.
Tiffa-me.
Well, you used "me" as a metaphor.
- No, I didn't.
- Uh, I'm pretty sure - that you did.
- How am I a Ted? I am a Jake.
I've always reminded myself of a Jake.
You're Ted tip to tush.
T-E-D, Ted.
You're a little Teddy bear.
Tiff and Blair are perfect for each other.
You don't know that, and I don't know that.
Only they know that.
Guys, it's really fucking simple.
- Are you in love? - Yes.
Are you in love? Hmm? - I - Hey, slut! You came! Sluts.
Sorry we're late.
We were pre-gaming at Bunny's with a new Bartles & Jaymes flavor.
And long story short, we ralphed.
It was a prototype! And if we're being honest, after your whole engagement party fiasco, we just thought you might call the whole wedding off.
Call off the wedding? Call off the wedding? Call off off the wedding? Call off the wedding? Okay, as if, slut! - That's so ghetto.
- Oh, okay.
Blair and I are stronger than ever, right, Blair? - Ooh! - Thank God! 'Cause for a second there, I was like, "Ew.
" - Ew! - Now let's go to Danceteria! This place is so last weekend.
They're letting anyone in.
No offense.
- Are you trying to get Jap slapped? - I will fucking knock this Barbie bitch's head off the fucking neck.
- Dawn, thank you so much for the talk.
- Bye.
You made me realize that Blair and I are perfect for each other.
Bye, Care Blair.
Bye, guys.
- Oh.
- Wait for me, girls! Have fun, ladies! What was that bullshit? It wasn't bullshit.
I got to go.
Okay, well, good night.
Fuck you, Mo.
Eh, pbbt! Chicks, right? - You know what we need to do? - I can't marry Tiff.
What do you what do you mean you can't marry Tiff? Of course you're gonna marry Tiff.
- You're not the boss of me.
- Technically At work, yes, but Tiff is not work.
I mean, yes, she can be very trying at times, but-but why are you so invested in my relationship? Because I am literally invested.
What? Okay, I'm gonna confess something to you.
I know.
You fucked with the toothbrush in my desk.
But that is just a decoy, as is the toothbrush in the supply closet.
- My real toothbrush - Is in a Ziploc bag in the bathroom in the ceiling tile, second stall.
- Oh, dear God.
- That's not the thing.
Listen, Blair, I Okay, when I said we were friends, that was real I meant that.
But the truth is, I've been playing you, kid from the beginning.
The coke, the arrest, it was it was a con.
I was trying to make sure that you worked for me so that I could, you know, work on getting those sweet, sweet ungettable Georgina family shares, but that was before we were boys.
Now just listen.
Before you say anything, I want you to think, 'cause if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you're smart.
Now, you just said that you cannot marry Tiff, right? So you're gonna break her heart anyway.
I mean, why not give her the wedding of her dreams first? Let's run the Georgina play me and you, together, as a team.
It makes sense.
I mean, it makes more than cents.
It makes dollars.
It makes tens of millions of dollars.
For us.
For two guys who were never handed a fucking thing their whole goddamn lives.
Let's do it.
What do you say? Fuck you.
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
And, Maurice I quit.
Oh, hey.
What's up, man? Good to see you.
Oh, well, well, well.
Welcome, welcome.
Mm.
Sorry I'm late.
- I, uh, I got caught up.
- Hey, hey, no problemo, Kiki! Hey, um I, um Can I can I give you something? - Uh, yes? - Okay.
I'll just hold on here.
Okay.
This, um, is very special to me.
- I want you - Mm! to have it.
- Oh, here, just okay.
- What is happening? All right, yeah.
Yeah! Here, take a look.
Take a look.
- Oh! - You like it? Yeah, I love it.
I want you to know that no matter what goes down I will always love you.
And you say I'm the dramatic one.
- Well - This is like a scene from "Steel Fagnolias.
" I would've said "Terms of Enqueerment.
" - How dare you? - Oh, come on.
Oh, here, drink your juice, Shelby.
Oh, okay, yeah.
"Help my daughter.
" - Okay.
- Oh! Bingo.
Listen, Spence.
- I'm sorry.
- No, baby, I'm sorry.
You know, I've been sitting here, annoyed that we missed a night together.
But work's a big part of who you are, and I love who you are.
And I'll take however much of you I can get.
Hey, at least you made it back in time for the comet.
I want a divorce.
What? Tiff? - Oh, my God! Aah! - Tiff! Help me! Help me! Get your hands off me! Oh! Ah! Blair, call my dad! Tiff!