Bless the Harts (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Okay, y'all, we got a fried flounder and fried scallops with hush puppies and extra hush puppies, and this one's the fried clam strips with fried fried chicken.
Oh, and some hush puppies.
Oh, hey, I hate to be a bother, but it looks like there's something in my catfish.
JENNY: Well, I have no idea what that could be.
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
I do apologize for that on behalf of Jenny.
I'm sure whatever weird bangle or makeup clump fell off of her, it was pure accident.
I know it's not from me.
It looks like ceiling tile.
[scratching.]
Yup, you got a critter up there.
Is it? I could have sworn I kept hearing "Crazy Train" up there.
You know Ay-ay-ay.
I heard it, too.
But what kind of critter goes, "ay, ay, ay"? - A muskrat? - A possum? - A deer? - Deers don't even make a sound.
They do if they're in estrus.
Well, sure, in estrus, but that still doesn't explain how an adult doe would even get up there.
Well, now you're just moving the goalposts.
[crash.]
[gasping.]
[exclaiming.]
- Randy! - Get out of here, Randy.
- LOUISE: What the heck, Randy? - Ah Whoo-hoo! That was a stunt, babies.
I've been living in your ceiling for 30 days, like a modern-day David Blaine.
- BRENDA: Get him! - [overlapping shouting.]
- Trip him! - Get a net! Git, Randy! Go Git.
Git out of here.
Behold, Greenpoint's local Mind Freak.
[laughs.]
[title music.]
So, obviously, we're closing this weekend, thanks to Randy's little stunt.
[glass breaking.]
What? No.
I need my tip money.
- We-we can still serve customers.
- We just have some silly, little itty-bitty ceiling issues we have to deal with.
- Oh, you mean the asbestos? - Well, no.
Just some little ole issues from the '70s when this building had some fun, different insulation.
Yeah, asbestos.
Anyhoo, it looks like you two got surprise days off.
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Unpaid.
Doo-doo.
[heavenly music plays.]
So, pretty crazy about Randy, huh? The second he moved up there, I thought, "This is an accident waiting to happen.
" If you knew he was up there, couldn't you have warned us? I did.
I told you, like, a million times.
- There's someone up there watching over you.
- Oh, what? - I thought you meant God.
- I mean, that's a given.
I shouldn't have to remind you of that.
So what are you gonna do with your time off? I don't know.
Probably just catch up on errands.
Ugh, why aren't you doing anything fun? - You should take a vacay.
- I can't do that.
Jenny, nobody likes a martyr.
- A vacation does sound nice.
- That's the spirit.
- YOLO.
- Yeah, YOLO! - Wait, didn't you live twice? - Jenny, don't overthink it.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Epic Slip and Falls: Ice Edition.
Hey, is that Brian Boitano? - Guess not.
- [audience exclaims.]
This guy just wants to get to work.
- Whoa! - WAYNE: Hold on, don't fall.
He's still slipping.
I-Is he gonna fall? VIOLET: Wayne, spoiler alert: they always fall.
WAYNE: Yeah.
There he goes.
There he goes.
[laughing.]
Nope, look at that.
He beat the odds.
[crash.]
[man shouts.]
- Oh! - [laughing.]
Oh! Hey, y'all, guess what.
I have a weekend off.
Randy fell through the ceiling so the restaurant's closed.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
So I was thinking maybe we should take a vacation.
Well, what are we gonna use for money? - Sell our hair? - Oh, Leonard was telling me how you can get a free vacation if you just go sit through a time-share presentation at one of those places at Myrtle Beach.
Oh, Violet, you used to love Myrtle Beach - when you were still my baby girl.
- That was two years ago.
I'm a whole different person.
No, you loved it and we loved it together.
Find those memories through all that darkness - and sarcasm in your head.
- Oh, yeah The sunburned rednecks groping each other.
The beer breath.
The arcades full of barefoot adult men.
- That all sounds amazing.
- Are you being sarcastic right now? No, Mom.
You know how much I love human wreckage.
See, even that, I'm not sure.
It's a tone thing.
It's like everything could go either way with you.
I'm saying I want to go.
Plus, you know what else they have in Myrtle Beach BOTH: Mini-golf.
- - [cheering.]
- Jenny, you are the putt-putt queen.
- Yeah, you know.
God sure as hell blessed me with the ability to putt short distances through contrived obstacles.
Damn it, we're doing this.
I'll go in there and listen to their little time-share song and dance, - and we'll get us a free trip to paradise.
- [slurping.]
Son, you think you know about the time-share grift? Let me tell you something: you know nothing about the time-share grift.
It is brutal.
And if you think you can just dance in there like Patrick Sways, you got another thing coming.
Yes, if you play it just right, you're in tall cotton, butt-deep in drink vouchers and ocean views.
But one false move ruination.
- Betty, I think I can handle myself - Ruination! I normally work alone, but I might could take on a student.
Pass on my secrets so you can provide my daughter with the scam-rich lifestyle she deserves.
Now let's go get us a free vacation.
[others whooping.]
- Yay! Let's go! - Vacay! A three-hour presentation So we get a free vacation Nothing could be easier What could go wrong? Nothin' at all Oh, my God, is that a lazy river running right through the dang lobby? [laughs.]
Okay, well, Wayne and Mother, thanks for taking one for the team and sitting through that presentation.
Me and Violet are gonna go hit the links.
Oh, my Lord, I can't ever get enough of these crazy names.
"PuttThroat Island"? "South Putt-Cific.
" "Putt & Putt's Puttcellent Puttventure"? No way they got permission for that one.
- Oh, my God, Mom, look.
- Oh, my Lord, a mini-golf tournament? Oh, yeah.
This sport's gotten huge.
No one can tell if it's ironically huge or just huge.
That's my whole thing with you.
But the prize money is real.
First place gets $800.
Mom, you could totally win this.
Oh, my Lord, we might do more than break even on this vacation.
We might make some money.
Oh, Myrtle Beach is magical! These guys all use the same playbook.
Step one, the razzle dazzle.
[whooping.]
[fireworks.]
Are you pumped? 'Cause I am pumped.
- Whoo! - Snap out of it.
Do not pay any attention to this time-share Fonzarelli.
They get you hyped up, and before you know it, you're signing your life away.
Now just train your eyes on that beautiful view - and don't let them in your head.
- Got it.
Focus on the view, not the super cool guy who has a hoverboard and probably everything else I want.
[slap, grunts.]
Hey, is it bright in here, or is that just our futures? Let's make it a little bit more intimate, shall we? - Yeah.
- [Wayne gulps.]
Well, I be damned.
This guy's a pro.
Okay, hi, everybody.
- My name is Craig.
- That's a lie.
And welcome to Myrtle Beach.
- Isn't this place magic? - Y'all ready for this? ALL: Ah.
Oh, hell no.
Balloon magic? He's got his finger on the pulse.
Just remember, the real magic trick is separating you from your money.
Don't you worry.
I got all my wits about me.
I Oh, my God! Is he swallowing that balloon? I-I mean, psych.
I find this dumb.
Just a silly magic Is it completely gone?! [mumbles.]
- [applause.]
- I-I mean, who cares? I'm not even remotely curious how he could make that whole balloon leave our dimension.
[claps.]
Tim Cupp here with the Mini Golf Network.
Well, it's a beautiful day for mini golf, folks.
The giants of this sport are all here and, of course, so many walk-ons.
Will this be the year an unknown upends the sport? I'm Jenny Hart.
I'm a walk-on, I guess.
Well, well, well, this little lady must be lost.
This is a golf tournament, [laughing.]
not a Sex and the City viewing party.
Oh, my God.
There's seriously sexism in a sport as non-strength-dependent as mini golf? Now, Beau, let's let her try.
Hey, I'm Gus.
I designed this course.
No woman has ever won it, let alone a walk-on.
No offense, but when females play mini golf, they lose focus.
You know, they get all up in their heads thinking about their pocketbooks and Sex and the City episodes.
- Their minds are too weak.
- Toddlers play this sport.
You literally write your score down with a doll pencil.
Just put me down for a hole in one - on the first hole.
- [Gus and Beau laugh.]
Yeah, right.
Huh? [wink.]
[crowd murmurs.]
Now the time has come to talk about something serious.
He's about to hit us with the emotional appeal.
He's gonna yank so hard at your heartstrings, - you'll feel it in your butt.
- Bring it on.
Family.
Heart.
Emotion.
[music.]
Fun.
Love.
How many people here love their families? - ALL: Ah! - I do.
I love my family.
Babies.
Animals.
Baby animals being friends.
Oh, Lord.
I'm feeling it in my butt.
Oh, I got to stop this.
I have a question.
- How much does this all cost? - Well, um - um um - Now I'm in the driver's seat.
Um well, um Price.
That's a big word, price.
So let's talk about prices.
Money.
Dollars.
Medical.
Things that cost.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
Hey, how many of you guys like Starbucks? - I do! I love it.
- ALL: Ah! But what do you think you spend on coffee every week? - $500, $600? - ALL: Uh-huh.
Now, what if you could take that coffee money and use it to build real memories? Because for the price of just 21 coffees a day, you could own a happy family.
Yours.
ALL: Wow! ["Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon playing.]
[crowd cheers.]
[crowd aahing.]
[crowd gasps.]
I saw a werewolf With a Chinese menu in his hand [skull laughs.]
Walking through the streets Of Soho in the rain He was looking for the place Called Lee Ho Fook's Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh.
VIOLET: Mom, you're 15 strokes ahead.
- You're gonna win that $800.
- Violet, remember these? Please let me get us matching necklaces - just like when you were little.
- "You're one in a million.
" Oh, my God.
Those are so cheesy.
- I love them.
- Okay, now, see, there it is again.
- So you hate them? - No, I just said I love them.
- I know, but that tone.
- Can you just trust my words? Little lady's trying on jewelry, but she should be getting ready for the final hole.
I was born ready, Beau.
And, last time I checked, I was kicking your butt.
Don't get too cocky, hon.
The last hole is a killer.
- Isn't it, Gus? - That's how I made it.
Hey, how about y'all sit this one out? I don't want all the female stomping and crying - to damage my Astroturf.
- Oh, I'll be fine, Gus.
Just gonna finish buying our jewelry so I can look all pretty in the winner's photo.
How much for the necklaces? Oh, they're three dollars each or 15,000 arcade tickets.
Gentlemen, welcome to the hardest hole ever designed.
- "The Invinci B-hole.
" - It's pronounced "Invincib'hole.
" - Well, it looks like "B-hole.
" - Well, it's not, okay? - CROWD: Huh? - MAN: A straight line? What the hell is this? On this hole, you must face the biggest obstacle of all: your own mind.
- $800 - I'm gonna do a kick in the air - For $800.
- $800 - And punch! - 800, 800.
- Oh! - Son, I can't keep swooping in and saving your ass.
Betty, we've been in here for so long, and I'm-I'm starving.
We've only got ten more minutes, and we have beaten this guy.
Dig deep.
Think about Jenny.
You guys not interested in the free cookies? Watching our figures.
Hey, tell you what.
I'm not supposed to do this, but I happen to know where there is some Starfish Vineyards white zin.
Don't mind if I do.
Won't that wine loosen you up too much? Does the ocean drown a fish? I can handle a little victory wine.
[slurping.]
TIM: Big Beau Preston lines up the shot.
Boy, there is so much pressure on this b'hole.
[crowd murmurs, cheering.]
TIM: And he nails it! Next up, Jenny Hart.
Let's see how a lady handles the pressure.
[crowd murmurs, groans.]
PRESTON: Oh! Looks like Carrie met her Mr.
Big.
She just can't tie this one down.
[exhales.]
Okay, just shake it out, Jenny.
Wait, is it actually hard? Or is it so easy that it's hard? What? No! Don't overthink it, Mom.
You got it.
That was a fluke.
Okay, Jenny, okay, just focus, but don't over-focus.
Breathe.
Or should I hold my breath? What if I get caught up and hold it for too long? Oh, God, how many breaths do I usually take? Am I breathing now? I don't know.
I don't know anymore.
Violet, am I breathing right now? Somebody get me a hand mirror.
- Mom! Pull it together.
- Yes, ma'am.
[takes deep breath.]
[exhales.]
- [crowd groans.]
- [gasps.]
[crowd groans.]
Sandy Christmas! You know what? Okay.
I'm just gonna ease up to it.
[crowd repeatedly groaning.]
CROWD: Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Oh! [Jenny and crowd groan.]
- Son of a b'hole! - It's okay, Mom.
Just try to have fun.
I am having fun! This is fun! Michelle, I noticed you have a book in your tote.
Where would you rather read, here in a pool cabana, or in a seaside hammock listening to the waves? Drink service at both locations.
Reading on vacation while buzzed? Ah, you better give me that pen.
- How about you two? - Aw.
No interest in joining in the winners circle? - None.
Zero.
- Nada.
I bow to a worthy opponent.
Still got your wits about you, even after all that wine.
Student [glugging.]
- meet master.
- [sighs.]
Okay, well, listen, I have to keep you here another ten minutes, or my supervisor will say I didn't try hard enough.
You want to take a pee break or something? Yeah.
You know what, I think I will take a victory pee.
[door shut.]
[gasps.]
[whispers.]
Bye, Betty.
That bastard! He wasn't trying to get me buzzed he was trying to fill my bladder! Now, Wayne, you already know that I'm an amateur magician.
Did you also know that I'm a veteran? Oh, no.
'Cause I'm proud to be an American Where at least I know I'm free And I won't forget The men who died - And gave that right to me - Wayne! Snap out of it! - And I'll gladly stand up - Wayne! - Next to you - Oh, you son of a bitch.
I shouldn't have gone to pee.
That's a rookie mistake.
That's the one thing that crazy jilted astronaut lady got right, though - she wore a diaper.
- Betty, I didn't sign.
- What? - I followed your advice.
I focused on giving Jenny and Violet - the life they deserve, and it worked! - Well, what do you know! Wayne, I am sorry I mis-underestimated you.
I'd go into a time-share foxhole with you any day.
Same.
All right, I'm gonna go enjoy the room.
We only have it for 11 more hours.
Oh, boy, did you guys play it right.
- They gotcha, didn't they? - Hook, line and sinker.
But it won't be terrible.
I mean, it pays for itself in three to five years.
And my family will love this place and its amenities.
Amenities? Lord, now you sound like one of 'em.
[chuckles.]
[gasps.]
You're one of 'em! Judas! You're trying to close me right now.
[sighs.]
Damn.
You are good.
Can't blame me for trying, though.
Would have been a sweet, sweet commission.
This might be a rude question, but hell, I don't care.
What's the going rate for roping all these dopes? Low six figures.
Now, I've been burned by this before.
- Does that include the cents? - Nope.
[whistles.]
Nice work if you can get it.
I could introduce you to some people.
I mean, you got what it takes.
I could do a weekend here, a weekend there.
- Probably make a mint.
- Girl, yes! And the best part is, you get your own condo here! - For free? - Hundred percent.
You just put down a small deposit, and they just take the rest out of your paycheck.
- She sold me! - What?! Got me in a play-for-pay scam.
I was so wrapped up in the fantasy of getting rich, I didn't realize I was getting sold.
There's got to be a way to get out of it.
Oh, there's no getting out of it.
That bitch played me like a fiddle.
All this time I thought you were the weak link, and it turns out I was.
Betty, we can get through this.
All we have to do is just drink 19 fewer cups of Starbucks a day.
Hmm.
Mom, come on.
Don't give up on yourself.
I wanted this to be a special beach trip for us, just like the old days.
But now you're just gonna remember it as the trip where I made a fool of myself and gave those goobers the satisfaction of beating a woman.
- Mom, forget about them.
- Just get my ball.
I'd rather forfeit than beef it anymore in front of these dip-rods.
- [low, electronic humming.]
- What the? [whispering.]
Mom.
Look.
They're using magnets on you.
- What? - It's totally Gus.
He's got some Scooby-Doo crap going on so his buddy can win.
I'm gonna wrap this club around his sunburned neck! Wait, wait.
Mom.
What if you just won? How can I? There's magnets.
It's impossible.
Not if you drop it from the top.
I would have to bank it off the windmill, then the airplane, and try to ladder it up to that tree, and then hope it still had enough spin to roll up that branch.
Oh, honey, that is a million-to-one shot.
Well, you are one in a million.
Your necklace says so.
Last time I checked, it was Tiger Woods, not Lady Tiger Woods! [tiger growls.]
[crowd inhaling.]
- [cheering, whistling.]
- TIM: B'holy cow! Lady golfer Jenny Hart wins the tournament! I did it! JENNY: Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm VIOLET: Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Okay, so, what's the plan? Oh! [splash.]
[yelling.]
Manager! I need a manager right now! - Yes, ma'am.
How may I - My common-law son-in-law slipped on a pineapple wedge, and now he's drowning in your lazy river.
I should sue your ass for gross negligence.
- Help! I-I can't swim! - Sir, if you'll just stand up, you'll see that the water is only four feet deep.
WAYNE: Wait.
Is this a poo? Oh, my God, there's so many poos in here! Riddle me this: How many floating dooks does it take to annul a time-share? Yeah, no, seriously, there's, like, 30 turds in here.
Jenny, I am so proud of you.
I got out of the time-share, and we won $800? This is the best vacation ever.
- And I'm not even being ironic.
- Aw.
[sighs.]
Let's see what do winners eat? - RANDY: Aye, aye, aye.
- Oh, no.
[crashing, gasping.]
RANDY: Welcome to Myrtle Beach magic.
I'm Randy's cousin, Sandy, who lives in Myrtle Beach, my babies.
- OTHERS: No, you're not, Randy! - RANDY: Presto! It was Randy the whole time!