Blockbuster (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

1
I can't believe it arrived.
- Me too. I'm so excited. What is it?
- Only an authentic piece of movie history
I got from Hollywood Harold's estate sale
for nothing
because I was the only one
who recognized the insignia.
Having memorabilia like this
will attract so many customers.
Great idea. What took so long?
He tripped off the Space Needle
months ago.
My Lucite guy has been pretty backed up
ever since they decided to give every kid
in this generation a trophy. Am I right?
Carlos, drumroll.
- No chance.
- You have a Lucite guy?
We deserve a trophy for letting you
work out your standup on us.
It's a plate.
Not just any plate. Right?
- Please.
- Of course not.
This is the plate Anthony Hopkins used
to serve Ray Liotta his own brains
in Hannibal.
- Shut up.
- How was he alive to eat his own brain?
It's a commemorative plothole.
- Well, well, well, look who's late.
- Did you lose car keys at bingo again?
She lost track of time debating
if she needed a light jacket.
Or had to cut her reading glasses
out of her hair again.
Guys, it's not her fault.
She had to drive back in time
to get minutes for her Jitterbug.
Actually, I'm just back from a funeral.
My best friend Helen died.
Damn, Eliza. I bet you wish
you could drive back in time
and not be such a jerk.
I was joking. We were joking.
You guys said mean stuff too.
Yours was terrible.
You took it way too far.
Can't believe I'll never see Helen again.
Or hug her.
Or dish about our favorite telenovela,
El Espia y La Tia.
"The Spy and the Aunt"?
- It rhymes in Spanish.
- Right.
Sorry. Did you wear
your Blockbuster uniform to the funeral?
Of course not. I know better than that.
I had a skirt on.
I don't understand why he needs
an unabridged iTunes user agreement,
Paula Deen's cookbook, or a transcription
of Ghislaine Maxwell's court case.
Those are definitely my dad's.
He likes to read court transcripts,
says the visuals are distracting.
At least he's got tickets
to a self-help book reading.
- Only Up From Here.
- Actually, it's Only Up From Her.
Medea wrote a self-help book?
No, it's about how to rebuild a marriage
after infidelity
through the lens of the Clintons.
I'm taking Aaron tomorrow night.
Wow, good for you
for working on your marriage.
And you seem really happy. Glowing.
But just as a reminder,
this is a work printer.
Is it?
'Cause you sure do let Percy use it a lot.
I don't mind doing things
that help my best pal.
He obviously only uses it
for important stuff.
Last week, he printed his own
15-page bridge to "Uptown Funk."
He's a surprisingly proficient lyricist,
but still.
Doesn't it bother you
that Percy walks all over you?
It probably would if he did,
but he doesn't.
This is the man that made you break
in his Timberlands in the summer
so they'd be fall-ready.
They're Timbs, and you don't get me
and Percy's relationship. He's my
- If you say brother from another mother
- No, I wasn't gonna say that.
You just don't understand
how much he's done for me.
I lived at his house
when my parents were divorcing.
We're basically blood brothers,
except Percy backed out
after I had cut my hand.
You guys need to stop being uptight
and take a puff of this imaginary blunt.
No? No? More for me.
Hey, Slim Tim. Here for my pages.
Uh-oh.
You know what it is.
Let me hit that right there.
- Hey, we should hotbox in my car.
- Let's do it.
- Little loose for me.
- No, it's perfect.
- Really?
- Hey, pass it.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, Con.
I just wanted to apologize
for my joke earlier.
I didn't start that run,
but I can't apologize
for everyone's actions.
I can't stop thinking about everything
Helen, Yolanda and I used to do together.
We were the three muchachas.
Aw, that's so cute.
We'd watch our stories,
cheerlead for the old men playing chess,
and of course, collect
our favorite Intimate Angels figurines.
Ew! Sorry. I meant:
Ew! Sorry. I can't think of other words.
How did that toddler couple make a baby?
I don't know.
Maybe it's like
a Benjamin Button situation.
But which way? Because either is a crime.
- That's not the point.
- I can't decide which is more upsetting.
That the toddler got pregnant,
which means they had sex,
- or that the toddler is having periods.
- Eliza. Is that why you came over here?
- To make fun of my cherished memories?
- I'm so sorry. Please go on.
They're highly collectible.
- This one was Helen's.
- At least you still have Yolanda.
Yolanda lives in Long Lake.
That's 45 minutes away,
a 20 pee-stop trip.
I'll probably see Helen again
before I see her.
Excuse me. Can you help me
find the film The Da Vinci Code?
Could I interest you in a telenovela
about undercover aunts instead?
It's not historical fiction
but at least it's honest
about dying alone.
Sorry. She's going through something.
We do have The Da Vinci Code
and the sequel.
Angels & Demons?
Technically, that's a prequel
because that came before the book.
It's over there.
You know, maybe I could be
your soap-watching buddy.
Really?
Okay.
Oh, you're gonna love El Espia y La Tia.
- You only have to catch up on 20
- Seasons?
- Years. Three seasons per year.
- Sixty seasons?
Wow! That is a lot of coolness.
I'll go get my tapes.
Okay.
We've made peace with Timmy's
codependence thing for Percy,
but it's creeping into work too.
No offense, Kayla,
but he takes employee parking spots
so he can use his for his Airbnb trailer.
He flat out steals our snacks.
And any time I raise my voice,
he says, "Kitty's got claws."
Yeah. My dad's got his bad side.
And his other bad side.
Last month, he used so much of our ink,
we couldn't print out our paychecks.
I couldn't get tickets to Mumford & Sons.
Now I just have to hear
their songs in commercials.
- I might side with Percy on that.
- I can't believe Timmy's oblivious to it.
I'm gonna say something to him.
I don't get paid to deal with Percy.
He describes me as "also gay for girls."
- Yuck.
- Honestly, for my dad, that's progress.
So they want you
to click wherever on the screen
and hope for the best.
And that's how you play Minesweeper.
Wow! That's crazy.
Cool.
Again, that's not why I came in here.
So you know how
I'm an accounting major, right?
So it got me thinking,
when is the last time
you did an accounting
of the relationships here?
Is this about
Aaron and Eliza's relationship?
Did they break up?
Connie told me that Eliza told her
that he's not good enough for her.
When you hear it from someone else,
it's more true
- than when you hear it
- No. This is not some gossip from Connie.
Oh, well, doesn't matter.
I shouldn't even care about Eliza
because I've moved on. I have.
- I'm actually dating.
- Really? Who?
Well, no one yet, but I am looking
to meet someone in the real world
because you can't find
a "you complete me" on an app.
Although, apparently, You Complete Me
is an app for people who are into Wordle.
Sexually.
Got it. What about
your relationship with, um? Hmm.
What about your relationship with Percy?
Anything there?
Maybe your relationship
isn't as equal as it should be.
Might be time to ask for respect,
set boundaries.
- Like you did with your parents.
- You think?
I don't know.
Nah, we're good.
Oh.
What's that smell?
Ew.
Dude, are you reheating a litter box?
It's my leftover tilapia parm.
See, that's why I used your microwave.
You might wanna air that out, dawg.
Oh. Good call, P-train, will do.
- Percy. What's that plate?
- The only serving dish y'all had in here.
I found it
in your plate Hall of Fame thing.
Anywho, I'll tap in later, dawg.
Y'all be cool.
- Mm! This is gonna be good.
- Well, I did try to warn you.
That tears it.
The plate tears it?
Not when he tried to evict you?
Didn't he try to get Michigan
to believe you were dead?
That bothered me too.
So did all that other stuff.
But this time I'm gonna do something
about it just like I did with my parents.
- Sorry, are you lightheaded?
- Oh, man. The smell is inside of us.
So, Felipe the merman
slaps his sister Gabriella's son,
forcing Gabriella to kill Felipe.
But before Felipe is given a funeral,
his hands are cut off
and donated to Mateo,
a recently amputated D-level jazz pianist
in town for a gig
- he cannot do without hands.
- Of course.
Then Gabriella and her son,
who they Aunt Viv
from a 12-year-old actor
to a 4-year-old between seasons,
run into Mateo.
His hands become possessed,
and bam, Gabriella's son is slapped again.
But why is this Mateo
getting slapped in this scene?
And he's his own uncle?
What are you not following?
No way you got into Harvard.
You got this.
You are a semi-respectable adult
and deserve to be treated as such.
- That's right. I am.
- Timbo Slice.
- What's up?
- What's up?
- What's up?
- Guess what day it is.
- Guess what day it is.
- Guess what day it is.
- Hump day!
- Hump day!
It's fully Thursday.
What are we gonna get into today?
Know what we should do?
Make our own Borat.
- Oh.
- Ooh!
Um, actually, I can't, man.
Because I sort of need to
Of course you can't.
You never can hang out anymore.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You be working or whining about Eliza.
Okay, this isn't about Eliza.
This is about you
taking advantage of my business.
Whoa, kitty's got claws.
Of course, I've intercepted a few boxes
of Blockbuster hand soap,
but doesn't it balance out?
It would take a hundred lifetimes
for it to balance out.
Ever since we met trading ALF pogs,
you've treated me like crap.
You remember back in high school
when you convinced me
the word "chode" meant awesome guy?
Then I met Rick Mahorn
and called him a chode so many times,
he tore up my basketball card
and almost beat my ass.
Because I knew your getaway speed
was faster than a power forward's.
This ends now.
Stop using my microwave,
stop using my printer,
stop using my deodorant,
and stop using me.
You know what?
You're right. You're absolutely right.
I'm gonna be a better friend.
Really?
Mm-hmm. I hear you loud and clear.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- Uh, that went great.
- Yeah.
- I mean, the truly best case. I'm stunned.
- Right?
Did you feel like
you were watching Greta Thunberg?
Wonder if any security cameras got that.
Oh, I tried subbing in as Connie's friend.
I'm at least 30 years too young
for the job.
Thirty? Wait, you think the number's 30?
Fine, 20.
Leave me alone.
Look, I need help convincing Connie
to hang out with her other friend Yolanda.
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
She lives 45 whole minutes away.
I know, but it has to.
I cannot keep watching that soap.
Even the YouTube recaps
are like three hours per season.
Old folks
just get locked into their routines.
- Connie reminds me of my dad.
- Let's try to get them to be friends.
- They live ten minutes from each other.
- Dad doesn't drive anymore.
What if Connie drives to him?
That's a no go. He says men
and women can never be just friends.
It's always sexual.
That's dumb.
Look at me and Timmy. We're just friends.
We are.
Hannah,
your dad doesn't drive but still has sex?
He lets women drive to him for sex.
Oh! Yeah, at a certain age,
you wanna keep it close to home.
- Wait. That gave me an idea.
- You're not my dad's type.
You're very pretty.
Just not nearly as sturdy as he likes.
Hey. Can I use your pisspot?
Um Gross, but fine.
Thanks.
Hey. Can me
and my customers use your bathroom?
Get your mind out of the gutter.
We're not going at the same time.
I didn't think that
You can go after Carol.
Hey, Con.
What if I told you there were
other lonely women in your area
and you could meet them
without ever leaving
the comfort of your strip mall.
Last time I tried,
I ended up handcuffed to a water heater.
What? No. We just wanna help
find you a friend with similar interests.
None of us can watch 20 years
of El Espia y La Tia.
Or want to.
Fine. My friend already died.
What else do I have to lose?
That's the spirit.
So where do you see yourself
in five years?
Retired to my cabin.
I take a little bit of poison every day.
Not to hurt myself.
To make myself stronger.
That's why she doesn't have any teeth.
You on Facebook? I can send you some info.
Ooh!
Fair warning. She only posts selfies with
dead animals and Tucker Carlson memes.
- Sure.
- It was nice to see you.
Ooh! I'm always looking for new friends.
Excuse me a moment.
I'm sorry. What was I saying?
Run.
Wow, it sounds like you and Connie
have so much in common.
I guess so.
You'll have to come by my house
so we can finish the new season
of El Espia together.
- Oh, I'd love to. Where do you live?
- I'm only about an hour away.
- Thank you for wasting everyone's time.
- There had to be a catch.
Wow!
Ah! Busy, busy, busy.
Vision boards work, people.
Hello. Can I help you pick a movie?
- Perhaps something with Dick Van Dyke?
- I'm here because all the bathrooms
- in the mall are closed.
- Is that right?
Ooh! That's my dawg.
I figured I'd swing by and say,
"You're welcome."
Uh, for what?
I shut down water in the shopping center
for plumbing upgrades,
but I needed to leave one bathroom open
for folks to use.
So I figured I should be
a better friend to my dawg, Tim,
and leave his bathroom open.
No, no. No cutting. No cutting. Thanks.
Your mother was such a beautiful soul.
Her figurine?
Uh, was it gone before or after I left?
Well, good luck. Bye.
Hey. We're sorry
we couldn't find you a new friend.
We really did
wanna come through for you.
We had no idea
there were so many flavors of old weirdo.
I'd say it's fine,
but you guys got my hopes up
telling me
you could find the Gayle to my Oprah.
But all you've been giving me
is Dr. Phils.
I'm sorry.
Maybe all we should've tried
to give you was a hug.
Oh!
Your hooves!
- Guys, one side, please.
- Folks, one line.
- The middle is not a side. Thank you.
- One line, thank you.
I do not get it. How is anything
you did triggering to Percy?
Everything is triggering to him.
It's been that way our whole lives.
He's super sensitive.
That's why I let stuff go,
because he always overreacts
and it becomes a bigger pain to deal with.
Sorry. Maybe you should've
let this one go. My bad. I
No, screw that.
- He's the one who will be sorry.
- I think you've having a breakthrough.
Unclear if it's a "through" or a "down,"
but either way I'm about to end this.
Excuse me. Can I?
No, you cannot shit in my bathroom.
This is my place,
and no one shits in my bathroom but me.
I'm about to barrel down and take
the biggest shit you could imagine.
Timmy, what have you done?
Cool, man.
I was actually gonna say,
"Can I introduce myself?"
My mom owns the Hot Piece of Bass,
and I grew up loving Blockbuster,
and I was excited
to see one still existed.
Timmy Yoon, nice to meet you.
And you are?
Leaving.
I'm out of here.
I can only deuce where there's good vibes.
Sure are a lot of colors
with "slut" in the name, huh?
I'm so sorry.
We'll get this fixed for you.
Patrice, we need nail glue.
You have to be licensed to use it.
It's an emergency, Patrice.
There are only seven of these postpartum
toddler figurines in circulation.
How did you know that?
How could I not?
It was the last Intimate Angel
sculpted by Victor Fenton
before he was ousted from the company.
All these years, I didn't know
you were into Intimate Angels.
The reason I am where I am today
is because I know how
to separate business and pleasure.
That's the title of my memoir.
Where I Am Today:
The Connie Serrano Story.
I always say memoirs are the light
in the tunnel of our collective soul.
When do you clock out?
Soon.
Soon.
Hi, Percy, I'm here to punch you.
Hey. I just wanted to apologize for
Announcing today's stool schedule?
Yes, that was weird.
I'm in a weird space right now.
I wonder if my manager will give me
a weird space day, like a sick day. JK.
I don't have a manager
because I'm the owner.
Maybe we could just start over.
I'm Timmy, and I'm sorry.
I'm Lena.
And I'm new at this glamorous job,
where I'm tasked with organizing
and hanging up fishing lures
because my nephews
fell through my mom's skylight,
and now I have to help her.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Really?
No, not that your nephews fell
on your mom
because those twins sound horrible.
Maybe they had a reason for falling.
People fall for a lot of reasons.
Right? Like you.
You fell from the sky as well
because you're an angel.
Hello, I am new at talking.
Um, I accept your apology.
Well, it was very nice to meet you.
I have to punch my landlord
slash ex-best friend in the face,
but afterwards, you wanna grab a drink?
That sounds nice.
Cool.
Percy.
Percy, this ends now.
Percy, what the hell is your problem?
I miss you, okay?
I miss you, man. That's my problem.
- It is?
- Yeah, man.
- I feel like you don't need me anymore.
- What are you talking about?
You're either working, with Eliza,
or trying to get with Eliza.
That's over now.
Man, you're like this award-nominated
small business owner now.
In my experience,
everybody tends to outgrow me.
Just like my wife.
My wife?
Well, my ex-wife.
Come on, man. I will never outgrow you.
Sorry we haven't been chilling
as much lately,
and sorry I came in a little hot earlier.
I just learned the word "boundaries,"
thanks to my parents,
and I'm figuring out how to apply them,
especially with a man of your energy.
What I should've explained to you better
is I gotta take my job more seriously now.
The last Blockbuster on the planet
is literally on my shoulders.
I get it, man. You know, trying to keep
a video store open in this age of 5G.
Ooh! You got a lot on your plate.
What you need is one of these right here.
- Oh, man.
- Let me light that up for you.
You know what I'm saying?
Exactly.
But without Joan Rivers,
there's nothing to watch on TV anymore.
Well, there's this Mexican telenovela
that I love called El Espia y La Tia,
but apparently, it's a big commitment.
Well, how many seasons are there?
Because I only invest in shows
that have dedicated 20-plus years
into their world building.
You're the espia to my tia.
You'll get what that means in Season 5.
Let me give you my number
so we can talk about the show
after I watch.
- Okay.
- Don't try to text it, though.
- It's a landline.
- Oh, I would never text.
Big voice message gal here.
You're best friends
with the owner of a party store
and highly protective of your toilet.
Maybe you can have it all.
Wait until you see my ten speed.
Connie and Patrice clicked right away.
They are so cute, you have to see them.
Two.
Actually,
I don't think they're here, so
Isn't that them there?
Oh. Ha!
Yep, there they are.
So cute, right?
Um, I forgot that I, uh I have a thing.
I'm denying
The feeling of my mind ♪
The feeling of change ♪
There's only one thing
I can be certain ♪
No, no.
No, no, no.
Percy.
I'm so caught up on you ♪
I'm so caught up, baby ♪
I'm so caught up on you ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
- Oh, yeah ♪
- So caught up on you ♪