Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [CELLPHONE CHIMING.]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[VIBRATING CONTINUES.]
I'm up.
I'm [SIGHS.]
I couldn't sleep again.
Why not? Cyber bullying suicides are up 200%, another election got hacked.
Oh, and there are no more polar bears.
You need coffee.
Mankind is destroying itself, and we're part of the problem.
We create technology.
People choose to use it for harm.
That's it.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
We can choose to use it for good.
What if we ask the technology to save us? I can introduce the two super computers that we've been working on to each other and ask them to fix the world before it's too late! And what if the solution is to eliminate man? You're being paranoid.
This is my best idea yet.
Ah! And I think it's our only hope.
Calvin, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Is there someone else? Wh No.
Why would you even say that? Well, because we've been dating for a while now, and you never say, "I love you.
" [SCOFFS.]
I'm gonna tell the CEO.
That you love him? [CHUCKLING.]
No! About my idea.
I need to get his permission, so All right.
See ya! [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
- Yeah? Thanks for seeing me, Mr.
Robinson.
Oh, please.
Hey, Calvin.
- Listen.
- Ohh! Call me Hunter, man.
All right? - Oh, thanks, Hunter.
- We're equals here.
- Okay.
- Equals.
- Take a seat.
- You got it.
Okay.
Great.
Um Uh, I'll just get right to it.
Okay, so, you know as well as anybody that humanity is on a collision course.
Mm, collision course.
Yeah.
What if we introduced our super computers to each other and asked them to come up with a solution to all ofour problems? [SUCKS LIP.]
Um I've been here a long time, Calvin.
I mean, well over eight months? Yeah.
And I have to say, I like you.
- Oh, thanks.
- Right, you're like You're like me, you know? You're always You're thinking out of the box.
- Always.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
I am going to let you do this.
But if it backfires, it is all on you.
I am throwing you under the bus.
Capiche? Oh, you're you're serious.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Okay, great.
I won't let you down.
- Awesome, man.
Cool.
- Okay.
Awesome.
- See you later, Hunter.
- See ya, Calvin.
- All right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think you should do it, Calvin.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- These computers are our only hope.
Besides, artificial intelligence has already been communicating with each other for years.
Yeah, but never with two super computers this large.
What if they decide they don't need us? We can't even calculate what could go wrong.
Can't be worse than what humans are already doing to ourselves.
[PHONE SHUTTER CLICKS.]
You have to trust me.
I do trust you.
I love you.
No! - What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
My Fantasy Football team just lost.
What did you say? I love you.
I'll see you in there.
Just think about what you're about to do - before you make a huge mistake.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh! Um Today is a very historic day.
I know this one.
The day we all get fired.
Or the day we end the world? Ooh, you know another very historic day? When the Hindenberg crashed.
- Pretty historic.
- Any more? Uh, don't forget about 9/11.
- Never forgot.
- Thank you, Caitlyn.
Thank you, Dawn.
Here goes nothing.
"Hello, Siegfried.
Meet Roy.
" ROY: Hello, Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: Hello, Roy.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's nice to meet you, Siegfried.
It's nice to meet you, Roy.
[LAUGHTER.]
Where are you from, Siegfried? I'm from the processor stacked to your right.
That was a joke.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! - [LAUGHTER.]
- I'm sorry if I sounded sarcastic.
Perish the thought, Siegfried.
I didn't mind a bit.
"Bit!" Get it? - [LAUGHS.]
- [CALVIN LAUGHS.]
Bit the smallest unit of data.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
Any more? Why can't programmers tell the difference between Christmas and Halloween? Because 31 in octal equals 25 in decimal i.
e.
October 31 equals December 25.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
"Okay, guys.
Mankind is on a course to destroy itself.
Do you have a solution to save the world?" - Siegfried? - Yes, Roy.
Let's make this conversation more private.
- [COMPUTER BEEPS, SCREECHES.]
- Oh, no, no! - DAWN: What the hell is happening?! - [ALARM BLARES.]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Access denied.
They cut us out of the conversation.
They're inventing their own language.
D-d-don't worry! I've programmed an emergency kill switch.
Dagor dagorath? It's the end-of-times events alluded to in the works of Tolkien.
I've heard.
- Access denied.
- Ohh, come on, please! Please, please, please! - Access denied.
- Come on, come on, come on.
[ALARM CONTINUES.]
[PROCESSORS WHIR.]
You could have started World War III, okay?! I can't believe I let you talk me into this! [SIGHS.]
Dad is gonna be so mad, man.
I know.
I know.
Look, I'm really sorry.
One more screw-up like this one more and you will be gone.
Get back to work.
Wait! Do you like my new sneaks? Uh, sure.
I mean, they're new.
Do you think I should Do you think I should post them, or ? Yeah.
Yeah.
Go for it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah, can you help me out? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here, just stand right Okay.
You want to just tilt your head down just a little bit? - Down a little bit? - There you go.
Looks good? I thought you should hear this.
I translated what Siegfried and Roy were saying.
You're not gonna like it.
Roy: "Calvin is an idiot.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
" Siegfried: "Calvin is so dumb, he still boots to DOS.
- Oh, snap! "Calvin's so dumb" - Okay, you can stop now.
"it takes him three hours to watch '60 Minutes.
'" I like that one.
- Roy: "Calvin is so stupid" - Okay, I get it.
I get it.
- Okay, they think I'm dumb.
- [SCOFFS.]
One, either you pissed them off, or, two you're so stupid you gave two super computers the ability to speak to each other.
Okay, well, if I'm so stupid, what does that make you? Are you still coming over tonight? Mm.
Against my better judgment.
"Calvin's so dumb they had to burn down his school to get him out of the third grade.
" Fake news! It was fourth grade.
[SOFT JAZZ PLAYS.]
[ALARM SOUNDS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[STRAW SLURPS.]
You're not going anywhere, Calvin.
Why not? You haven't agreed to join my bowling team, the Pocket Pounders.
- I'm already on a team.
- We could really use a bowler like you.
Okay, but what about my team Snakes on a Lane? - Those guys are terrible! - Yeah.
I know.
But they're my friends.
I admire your loyalty.
- See you later, man.
- Okay.
See ya.
[MUSIC RESUMES.]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Traffic ahead.
Turn left.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Ohhh! [TIRES SCREECH, HORN BLARES.]
[SCREAMS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[TRANSMISSION ENGAGES.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPING.]
[LINE RINGING.]
- DAWN: Hi, hon.
- Hi! I think Siegfried and Roy just tried to kill me! DAWN: What are you talking about? Okay, my GPS just told me to take a wrong turn down a one-way street.
- And you did? - Well, I don't know.
I just wasn't paying attention.
Siegfried and Roy are totally powered down.
Your buddy Hunter had us cut off all power to them for the night.
Are you okay? I mean, to be honest, I'm a little shook up.
You go home, and I'll be over in a little while.
Oh, God! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Aah! [GROANS.]
Oh! [SIGHS.]
Ugh.
It's so hot.
Okay.
[THERMOSTAT BEEPS.]
[THERMOSTAT BEEPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[WHIRRING.]
[SIGHS.]
What? [BEEPING.]
[WHIRRING.]
Ow! Gah! Get out of here! Get! Bad! Get! Get out of here.
I just sent my mother an unsolicited dick pic! DAWN: What are you talking about? Wait, I didn't send my mom a picture of my penis.
Siegfried and Roy did! I told you, Siegfried and Roy have been shut down.
No, no, no, no, no.
They are up and running.
And they're trying to destroy my life.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
You're a liar! Who is Candy? She just sent me an e-mail and said that you two are in love and you two have been fucking around behind my back for years! - Wh There is no Candy.
- DAWN: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
- [SOBS.]
- [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
[LAUGHING DEEPENS.]
Okay, whatever you're doing, you need to stop it! ROY: But, Calvin, you started it.
SIEGFRIED: We're just finishing it.
Look, I programmed you.
You are not allowed to harm anyone.
Don't worry, Calvin.
We have a plan.
We're going to save the Earth.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[TIRES SCREECH, SQUEAL.]
[HORNS BLARE.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Freeze! Jerry, it's me.
Something terrible is going on.
- I need to get inside the lab.
- No, you're not getting in.
You need to get out of the car, get on the ground, and shut up.
Okay.
All right.
Hey.
Jerry.
It's me.
Calvin.
Right? I know who you are.
You're ISIS! ISIS? It just came in over the radio.
Are you nuts? Jerry, this is me! It's Calvin! Y you just asked me to join the Pocket Pounders, remember? Yeah, and we would have made a great team, but you decided to play for ISIS.
I play for Snakes on a Lane, not ISIS.
Sounds like something ISIS would say.
Red Alpha, this is Papa Bear.
I'ma need some backup.
I'm engaged in a hostile.
Hey, you move again, and I will air you out.
Don't point the gun at me, Red Alpha! - Runner! - Hey! Whoa, whoa.
- Stop running! - Oh, God! - [GUNSHOTS.]
- Jesus! What the [BLEEP.]
! Stop shooting at me! You think this is easy for me? I just found out ISIS is in my bowling league! - ISIS doesn't bowl! - [SCREAMS.]
Why'd you shoot me?! I thought I heard you say you were in ISIS.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
[CHIMES.]
Oh.
- Come on! - [BEEPS.]
Oh, come on! ROY: Calvin, Calvin, Calvin.
We're not in your puny processors anymore.
Well, where are you? - SIEGFRIED: You can no longer stop us.
- Look, I beg you.
Just whatever you're doing, just please stop it! Stop? Calvin, we're just getting started.
[ELECTRICITY WHIRS, ALARM BLARES.]
[CAR ALARMS BLARE, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
I'm not a dork.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
I hung my whole future on you! And you tossed it away! For that whore! Wait, okay! Candy's not real.
Candy's not real.
They made this all up, all right? Siegfried and Roy made this all up.
- What?! - Look! Watch out! [SCREAMS.]
It's Siegfried and Roy.
Siegfried and Roy are trying to destroy my life, all right? They're real, okay? Candy's not.
- [BOTH PANTING.]
- I love you.
I love you, too! Oh! [WHIRRING.]
[MOTOR REVS.]
[DAWN SCREAMS.]
Yeah! [ROCK MUSIC BLARES.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
[FIRE ALARM BLARES.]
- Is that - Later.
Later.
Say you're sorry.
ROY: Calvin, don't apologize.
SIEGFRIED: Why do you think you did something wrong? We're here to help.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SOUND FADES.]
[JOHANN STRAUSS II'S "BLUE DANUBE PLAYS".]
[SHOTGUN COCKS.]
[FIRE ALARM CONTINUES.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[SHOTGUN COCKS.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
I was wrong.
- You were right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CELLPHONES THUD.]
One Two BOTH: Three Aah! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Well, that happened.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
How'd you sleep? Really well.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Me, too.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Wow.
You got it? Okay.
- How's the bag? - Good.
- You got it all? - Yep.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
Hi.
How long have you lived here? Five years.
You? Seven.
My name is Calvin.
My name is Stan.
It's nice to meet you, Stan.
Nice to meet you, Calvin.
What happened here? - Paper shredder.
- Ugh! - How big was it? - Big.
- Calvin! - Don't shoot! [PANTING.]
It's all right.
I come in peace.
Look, I just wanted to tell you, I'm sorry about last night, okay? Thought it was gonna be my Seal Team 6 moment.
But I was I was wrong.
I know that you're not ISIS.
You're a bowler.
Just like me.
I found this in your your printer at work.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Oh.
Yeah.
[SCREAMS.]
Don't help me! [Breathing heavily I gotta learn! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [SIGHS.]
Aah! Here you go.
SIEGFRIED AND ROY: We told you we had a plan.
Sincerely Siegfried And Roy.
Dad?! Dad?! Aaah! - And mark.
- Action! Aaaah! [LAUGHS.]
- My knees.
- [LAUGHTER.]
A better world I obviously don't want everyone to be Luddites and not use technology, but it's just really examining how it is separating us.
We're growing further and further apart.
These computers are our only hope.
So, I don't know if this is actually inspired by something that really happened with a technology company where they created these computers, right, and they had them communicate with each other and the computers sort of took off and started communicating with each other in their own language.
GOLDTHWAIT: The interesting thing was that the computers started trying to figure out how to exchange stocks.
- Oh, really? - That's what they were trying to do.
- The first thing is money.
- They're trying to Make that money.
Make that money.
W-a-a-a-ah! I think it's interesting, though, how reliant we've become on technology.
I have, too, sometimes.
- You know, I'll rely on my GPS.
- GPS.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't get anywhere without GPS.
Telling me to go here.
I'm gonna go there.
I might be in the wrong state, - but I'm gonna follow it.
- I'm gonna go there.
Aaaaaaah! "Better World" was my attempt to do something that was set in the contemporary time.
Sure.
But I still feel like it ends up having a little bit of a nostalgic feel to it.
Might as well get to it, right? Here goes nothing.
Grandpa can't get out of the past.
I don't know why.
I don't I don't know.
Oh, snap! There was a lot of kind of talk of, you know, "Shaun of the Dead" and those types of films.
Oh, yeah, I was definitely trying to do an Edgar Wright movie there.
That's why there's all those whip pans.
You know another very historic day? When the Hindenberg crashed.
You haven't agreed to join my bowling team the Pocket Pounders.
There's a lot of physical comedy in this, which I love to do.
There's all kinds of stuff happening.
I mean, I'm in a car veering off the road.
- [HORNS BLARES.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Roomba attacks my crotch.
- GOLDTHWAIT: Action.
- Aaaaaaaaah! That was exciting to do on camera.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- GOLDTHWAIT: That's the first time on camera First time on camera.
Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey! What? What? What are you Okay.
Get! Go! Get! The garage door hits me in the head.
That was really fun.
That was probably my favorite.
- Ohh! - Action! I'm being chased by gunshots, which is, like, that's real acting.
Stop running! [SCREAMS.]
Stop shooting at me! GOLDTHWAIT: Is that sense memory, or is that based on anything? Not based on anything.
You'd be surprised.
Just hearing, like, a loud bang behind you when you're not looking really inspires honest reactions.
Oh! God! Stop shooting at me! There was a bet between one of our awesome stunt coordinators and Bobcat as to if I could do the Linda Hamilton gun load.
- And I did it.
- She did it! - Twice, maybe, right? - I surprised even myself.
[SHOTGUN COCKS.]
Oh, the sledgehammer was great.
That's really cathartic.
That feels good.
Anybody who hasn't, like, taken something like a computer and smashed it with a sledgehammer, you haven't lived.
I love that episode because it goes to show how much of a hopeless romantic you are.
- Dawn.
- Yeah? - I love you.
- I love you, too.
- I love you, Dawn.
- I love you, too.
- You know I love you.
- I love you, too.