Bojack Horseman (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

You got to get your shit together.
So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back, because you're talented, you're smart, and damn it, you're good.
You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman.
So get the hell off my lawn.
Oh.
Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr.
How much did I have to drink last night? Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Diane got engaged to Mr.
Peanutbutter? - I need a drink.
- No.
No more drinking.
You've been out of control.
Princess Carolyn, look.
I met John Stamos.
That is not John Stamos.
Hey, Princess Carolyn, John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.
That is not your ear.
Princess Carolyn, John Stamos died.
Why? Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos? That doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, I forgot to mention you were naked for a lot of that.
Stamos! Also, it wasn't here.
It was at my office.
We thought night swimming would be fun, but the current was too strong.
Oh, God, I wasn't driving around, was I? No.
You made Todd your designated driver, but then you also made him drink with you.
Yeah, I'll have a western bacon cheeseburger.
BoJack, we are going to get you back on your feet.
All you need to do is get off Diane and get on to something else.
Hello? Tony, hi.
I'm calling in that favor.
Get your crew to BoJack Horseman's house.
Can you be there in an hour? - Yeah.
- Great.
What just happened? You're the new face of Guten Bourbon.
What is Guten Bourbon? It's an urban German bourbon.
Am I just hungover, or are you talking like a Muppet? They're looking for American celebrities to talk about how much they like to drink.
It's the part you were born to play.
All you have to do is smile and stay upright.
I don't know.
It sounds like a lot of work.
You take up 80% of my time with your drama and make me 0% of my money.
Do the damn commercial.
Okay, I got to go.
You're in charge, Todd.
Keep this dummy out of trouble.
Hooray, responsibility.
Hey.
Do you really believe all that stuff you said to me earlier about me being smart and talented and good? BoJack, I'm an agent.
I believe everything I say.
Ah.
Hey, where the hell is that cheeseburger? I ordered it, like, an hour ago.
Lenny Turteltaub, you skinny bitch.
How the hell are you? I'm in a hurry, so I'll make this snappy.
I got some great news about the picture we're putting together.
Sorry.
Hello? Hey, I just wanted to thank you for getting me this job and pulling me out of that oh-so-predictably BoJack spiral of self-loathing and substance abuse.
- You really are the best.
- I know.
Talk to you later.
I feel like you see things in me that nobody else sees.
Yep, I'm pretty great.
Got to go.
All this time, I never even BoJack, I'm in a very important breakfast right now.
- Okay.
I got to go, too.
- Sorry.
What's the great news? - We got Braff.
- You beautiful dickhead.
You finally got Zach Braff? Ah, no other director has enough weight to handle a movie about the last days of Eva Braun.
No shit, toots.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
There you go.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Everything's coming together.
With Braff directing, my client Cate Blanchett starring, and the great Lenny Turteltaub producing, this movie is a done deal.
Look, honey, I been in this business a long time, okay? Long time.
And as I once said to a young Ed Begley Sr.
, "It ain't a done deal till the deals are all done.
" I'm the best agent in the biz.
I can seal these deals with my paws in my pants.
Well, then I'll say to you what I once said to a young Buster Keaton, "What?" Laura! What's happening? - We're merging.
- No shit.
With what? FME.
A bunch of people got laid off, and some of the FMEERS are already moving in.
It's all so sudden and unexpected.
It was not handled well.
Oh, shit.
Don't tell me one of the new agents is Vanessa Gekko.
That slippery, slimy, cold-blooded, bug-eyed What's new, pussycat? - Gekko.
- In the flesh.
Ha ha.
How are you? What a morning, huh? I was in the middle of my second soul cycle class when I got the news.
- Can you imagine? - No.
I was so excited, I rushed home, made love to my husband of 15 years, made a hot breakfast for my three wonderful girls, read to them, dropped them off at their elite private school, and then got my ass here as quick as I could.
- Um, how old are your kids now? - I don't have any children.
Oh, well, it'll happen.
You're still - Anyway - Princess Carolyn.
I see you've already met a new member of the team.
- Vanessa Gekko, sir.
- I know that.
This merger is very exciting.
- I'm pumped.
- I'm beyond pumped.
You should be, or at least I think you should be.
It's hard to keep track of who's getting promoted - and who's getting fired.
- Oh.
You're probably fine or not.
Who knows? Ugh.
What do you want, Todd? Well, good news, bad news.
The bad news is that there actually is no good news, and the other bad news is BoJack's gone.
What? Where did he go? The shoot is at his house.
He just disappeared.
I don't even know why he'd leave.
This charcoal mellowed bourbon is so smooth, every time I take a sip, pure happiness.
- That was amazing.
- Really? Can I get you to say that in a tuxedo? Hey, I got to go.
I think this is my big break.
Don't worry.
I won't let it get to my head or anything.
Hey, who told that asshole he could sit in my chair? Don't forget I'm your agent, too! I want 10%.
Hello, beautiful.
What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be shooting a commercial.
I know, but I was sitting there drinking bourbon and They didn't give you fake bourbon on set? Oh, they did, and then I just mixed it with bourbon.
And it hit me.
Why was I so upset about Diane getting engaged? You're the one who's always been there for me, so I drank a lot more bourbon and drove over to tell you how I feel.
Oh, I see what this is.
Princess Carolyn, what are we doing? Clearly we're in love with each other.
You're not in love with me.
You're in love with Diane.
And you're not even really in love with her.
You just think you are because you pay her to listen to you talk about yourself.
Diane getting engaged was the best thing that ever happened to me.
It made me realize you're the one I need to be with.
Ha! You say that every time something bad happens.
Not getting nominated for a People's Choice Award is the best thing that ever happened to me.
It made me realize Getting caught with that pound of cocaine was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That hooker getting pregnant was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sneezing on Marisa Tomei was the best Every time something bad happens, you come running to me for comfort.
Well, it's not gonna happen this time.
I can't be your agent and your girlfriend.
It just doesn't work.
I have Lenny Turteltaub for you.
- I have to take this.
- Okay.
But remember, I'm coming for you, and I'm gonna make you love me.
Please don't.
Hey.
Bad news, P.
C.
Braff used your merger as an opportunity to jump ship.
Aw, fish.
Now his new agent's asking for twice the money.
As I once said to a young Lionel Barrymore, "Eh, shut up.
" Without a director, Eva Braun is as dead as Eva Braun.
Yep.
You got to get someone big.
- What about those brothers - Hello? Hello? Lady, you work too hard.
That was an important phone call.
Important phone call beep boop blorp.
Don't you robot-voice me.
Princess Carolyn, what are we doing? Well, I'm working, and you are leaving.
Before I go, I got you a little sexy something to remember me by.
Since we can't be together every second, which would be my preference, I give you cardboard BoJack.
It's got a light-sensitive sound chip, so every time you walk by it, it quotes a line from Jerry Maguire, your favorite movie.
You complete me.
What do you think? Pretty sweet, huh? You had me at "hello.
" I don't have time for you or cardboard you.
I need to find a new director.
Or you could find my nude erector She's gone.
Blech.
Word to the wise, Laura Do not pitch a Nazi romance to Steven Spielberg.
Just thought you should know there's been some reorganization - vis-a-vis resource management.
- What are you saying? You and Vanessa Gekko are sharing an office until they can find her a permanent one.
- The hell we are.
- Also Good news, Princess Carolyn.
Vanessa's my agent now.
What? You said you couldn't be my girlfriend and my agent, so I'm firing you.
Now we can be in love.
- Hope you like money, BoJack.
- This is so great.
Now I can date you and have a better agent.
- Everybody wins.
- Oh.
I'm a sporting agent.
Are you still searching for happiness? Make your own happiness.
Mmm, that's some Guten Bourbon.
Cut.
That was great.
Was it? You know, I'm trying to do good work here, really find the character, but it's pretty distracting to have all these robots staring at me with their blinking red eyes.
Those are cameras, Todd.
We're making a commercial.
Oh, well, you want to make a good one? Then get them the hell out of here! I'm the face of this brand, I'm the man behind the thing, and I'm determined to get the jargon of this German bourbon blurbin'.
Is it just me, or does this fake booze taste a lot like real booze? You want BoJack, you can have him.
Here's a list of directors who won't work with him, studios that won't hire him, former assistants with restraining orders.
This is great.
You know, it gets kind of boring when all your clients are in such demand, they practically find their own jobs.
Well, then BoJack should be a lot of fun for you.
No one wants to hire him.
Hello.
We're looking for BoJack Horseman's agent.
We'd like to discuss a very lucrative business opportunity.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- I'm BoJack's agent.
The opportunity is we're blackmailing you.
Ha.
All yours.
Needless to say, it would be a shame if these pictures got out.
Fortunately, that can easily be avoided by simply paying me and my partner here $150.
Each.
Let me just get my checkbook.
Huh? Whoa.
Oh, except California law prohibits taking photos on private property without a permit, but you had a permit, right? - Uh - What's that? Oh, also, extortion can be prosecuted as a class E felony.
That's four years in prison, easy, and when you throw in the murder of Tupac Shakur - We didn't do that.
- Yeah, yeah.
You can't pin that on us.
Well, someone's got to take the fall.
Sorry to bother you.
Forget we were ever here.
That was fun.
Hey, Laura, send those guys a nice fruit-and-nut basket.
You got it, boss.
Who said you could use my assistant? - I did.
- Oh, hello, Mr.
Witherspoon.
Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds? Fascinating.
So sorry we have to double up on everything while we work out who goes where and who gets fired, but in the meantime, help yourself to an intern, one of the rising stars at our company - Charlie Witherspoon.
- Hello.
I Oh.
Sorry, my My hands are really sticky.
Oh, God, am I blowing this? Charlie was the editor of The Harvard Lampoon.
He can be Princess Carolyn's new assistant while I use Laura.
- Ugh.
- Good thinking, boss.
Ah, ah, phone is ringing.
Phone is ringing.
What do I do? What do I do? I'll take it in here, Charlie.
Hello.
Princess Carolyn, your client is out of control.
BoJack is not my client anymore.
Not BoJack.
Todd.
I think someone mixed alcohol into his prop drink.
Oh, you pretenders.
Bourbon is the name of a county.
You can't just make bourbon in Germany.
That would be like making Rice-A-Roni - anywhere but San Francisco.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Ugh.
I'll be right there.
- Ow.
You got to get your shit together.
You are a winner, okay? You are Todd Hold on.
Fish.
Okay, you are Todd goddamn - What's your last name? - Chavez.
- Your last name is Chavez? - Yeah.
Why? I don't know, I just never thought of you as a Chavez.
Look, I got to go.
I feel like you didn't really finish the pep talk.
I know, but I got a movie to put together.
Best of luck.
Ready for the tagline? Here's the tagline.
What the heck is going on? "The woman who loved the man who hated everyone.
" - That writes itself.
- You got to be kidding me.
Hey, where were you? We looked everywhere.
You're having the Eva Braun meeting without me? I'm so sorry, but I didn't know what the protocol was around here, and these guys were just champing at the bit.
- We're just wrapping up.
- But Cate is my client.
Okay, why don't I come find you when it's over, and I'll bring you up to speed? Is that Quentin Tarantulino? Yeah.
I brought him on board.
You know he's always wanted to direct a romantic comedy? Eva Braun is not a romantic comedy.
Bye.
We live in a cynical world, a cynical world.
He's right, you know.
Oh, ooh, oh, oh, over-rotate.
Hey.
I just missed an important meeting because I was babysitting Todd, who's too drunk to work, because you switched out the prop bourbon with the real bourbon.
You are ruining my life.
- Have dinner with me tonight.
- No way.
Come on, just me, you, and a bottle of Pinot.
Probably more than one bottle and some entrees.
And I'll probably get an appetizer.
I own the restaurant, so we can go crazy.
- I have to work.
- You don't have to work.
- You choose to work.
- Hmm.
Why not choose to be happy for once? Mm.
When you're writing a memoir, you spend a lot of time reflecting on the past.
I regret not being a better friend to you and lover.
Thank you.
Lover's kind of a weird word, but thanks.
You want to get out of this stuffy old restaurant, get some gelato, and maybe drive out to the ocean - and put our feet in the water? - That sounds great.
Let me just freshen up my whiskers.
Great.
I'll get the car and meet you outside.
You scamper right back, pussycat.
You look at your reflection too long, you might fall in love.
She's gone.
What do you want, Gekko? Well, I was hoping to talk to you face-to-face, but I guess you had to leave work early.
I left at 8:30.
What is it? Well, Cate and I had a really good talk today.
We have so much in common, and especially since I'm doing so much for Eva Braun, it almost seemed weird that I wasn't repping her.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
She and I are both high-powered working mothers, so I understand her priorities, so she's switching to Gekko.
Wow, being a mom helped my career? I really can have it all.
This isn't fair.
I know everything about Cate.
Her favorite color is red.
Her favorite book is Suffragette City.
Her favorite Spice Girl is Baby.
I know all I need to know, which is that she's beautiful, she's British, and she's gonna make me a lot of money.
She's Australian, you moron.
If you need me, I'll be at work.
Bye.
Bye.
Ugh.
Uh, telephone.
Charlie, get me Cate Blanchett.
Um, who is Okay, I don't Uh, uh, sorry, I can't Oh, sticky.
You know what? Never mind.
If Vanessa Gekko wants Cate that bad, she can have her.
I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be happy.
Tonight, I choose to be happy.
Hello? I think I put you on mute.
Good night, Charlie.
Holy shit.
Herb! How the hell are you, buddy? Ruin any lives lately? - Excuse me? - I got your message, asshole.
You got something to say to me, you come out to Malibu and say it to my face.
I'll be alive tomorrow.
After that, who knows? Sorry that took me so long.
Just wanted to look my best for you, lover.
Hey, um, I just got kind of a weird phone call.
You and me both.
Hey, screw 'em all, right? Yeah.
Are we going to gelato? Princess Carolyn, what are we doing? Getting gelato? This was a mistake.
I've been acting crazy.
That phone call just pulled me back to reality.
You were right.
I don't love you.
You don't love me.
We're just two lonely people trying to hate ourselves a little less.
Maybe that's all we're ever gonna be.
Maybe that's all we ever were.
Well, this night took a turn.
You know the worst part? I knew this was gonna happen and I let myself get excited anyway.
So we agree that this is on you, then? I guess I'll see you around.
You're not even gonna give me a ride home? Sorry, I think I just need to be alone right now.
Of course, of course.
That's what you get when you fall for a horse.
Taxi.
You got to get your shit together.
So yesterday, you let yourself fall in love a little bit, and you got your heart broken.
Serves you right for having feelings.
Starting now, you are a hard, heartless career gal.
Go to work, be awesome at it, and don't waste time on foolish flights of fancy.
From now on, you are a robot.
Beep bop boop blurp bleep.
- Hello.
- I just want you to know I'm fine.
Uh-oh.
People only say they're fine when they're not fine.
Did I hurt your feelings last night? I'm an agent.
I don't have feelings.
Well, I'm glad you called.
I think that you had the right idea yesterday.
I should be getting back to work.
Can you get me another job? Yeah, well, I'm not your agent anymore, so, no.
Oh, right.
Well, just tell whoever, then.
Haah! Whoa.
Asshole! Anyway, I'm off to Malibu to see Herb Kazzaz.
He has cancer, which, as you know, is a whole thing.
Plus, he hates me, so I could really use some good news at the end of the day.
Oh, my God, you're going to see Herb? You must be really Nope, don't care.
Not interested.
Hope you like kicking ass, Charlie, because that's all we're gonna do today.
My tie got stuck in the copier this morning.
That's great, Charlie.
If you flip them real quick, it looks like the tie is running.
Hey, Vanessa, your client, BoJack Horseman, wants a job.
- Good luck.
- Oh, yeah, about that.
Gwyneth came in this morning, and I wanted to show her that she was a top priority, so I shredded BoJack's contract right in front of her.
Heh heh What? You just signed BoJack yesterday.
I say good riddance to Mr.
Houseman or whatever that horse's name is.
It's not like he makes this company any money, and he does seem to take up an awful lot of your time.
I'm from Arizona, Jerry.
I went to Arizona State.
Todd, how do I turn this thing off? Todd.
What? I'm busy.
Never mind.
Think I've figured it out.
Now that I've got the room to myself, time to practice the trombone.
He's kind of in a bad place right now.
You can't just drop him.
The best agent in this building couldn't get that guy a job.
The best agent in this building got him a job yesterday, and I could get him a feature by the end of today.
If you want to get him a movie by the end of the day, great, do that.
Otherwise, we are washing our hands of him.
Charlie, I hear NBC picked up your running tie show.
Congratulations.
Thank you, Dad.
Hey, Marty, Princess Carolyn here.
How'd you like to work with the BoJack Horseman? What's that? You hate his guts? What's that? He's a talentless boob? What's that? You'll never work with BoJack again? What's that? You want him to die in an ass factory warehouse fire, smothering to death under a pile of burning asses? Well, if you change your mind, give me a call.
Oh, BoJack, what am I gonna do with you? I don't understand why you're going through all this trouble for him.
That guy's dead weight, Princess Carolyn.
If you don't cut him loose, you're never gonna be happy.
Help me help you.
That's it.
Of course.
Cameron Crow, you skinny bitch.
You know Jerry Maguire's my favorite movie of all time? All your films are so human, which is super impressive since you're a crow.
Well, my name is Cameron Crow, but I'm actually a raven, so common misconception.
- Well, whatever you are - A raven.
- I brought you this - Suffragette City "a coming of age story about rock music, being a teenager in the '80s and buying zoos"? How have I not heard of this book? You'd be the perfect director to make a movie out of it, and I happen to know this is Cate Blanchett's favorite book.
I'll bet she'll drop everything to play the part.
You should give her a caw.
Okay, I see Yeah.
Caw is what crows say.
Again, I am not a crow.
Cate, listen to me, you're making a big mistake.
Eva Braun is your dream, remember? Cate? Hello? Cate! Oh, no.
What happened? Did Cate drop out of your little Holocaust movie so she could make my little Cameron Crow movie? Why don't you go home and cry about it to your loving husband and children? Say, which one of you is overseeing the Eva Braun package? That would be me, sir.
Vanessa, you really shat the bed on this one.
- Now, are you fired? - Not exactly.
- Can you still work here? - No.
Lenny Turteltaub here to see you.
Thanks, Laura.
So, one minute I'm making a movie with Cate Blanchett.
Next, I hear she's doing a picture with Cameron Crow about mix tapes.
As I said to Ed Porter at the premiere of The Great Train Robbery, "Aah, the train's coming right at me.
" - What the hell is going on? - I don't know, Lenny.
Eva Braun was Vanessa's project.
All that work for nothing.
Now Quentin Tarantulino's got four arms up my ass 'cause he got all excited about making a rom-com.
You know what would be a great romantic comedy? Remember when that guy stole the D from the Hollywood sign so he could propose to his girlfriend? That would make a great movie, but who would play the lead? Preferably someone kind of washed up.
You know how much Quentin loves to revitalize dead careers.
It's kind of his thing.
Well, in that case, you know who'd be great? Show me the money.
- Yeah.
- Good news.
You're back in my stable, and I got you the lead in a romantic comedy.
Who's the best agent in the world? What? I went through hell and back today, but it was worth it because I got you a job.
Aren't you excited? No.
I don't know.
I don't care about that.
You You said you wanted a job.
It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
- Wow.
What happened in Malibu? - I got to go.
Need anything else? No, thanks, Laura.
Go home.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Are you gonna head out soon? Where else would I go? Happy birthday, Princess Carolyn.
Thanks, phone.
You are 40.
We were young We had our heads down Oh and I I was all of a landslide Didn't know It was something to hold onto Never meant us to fall in Turn around Turn around Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na