Bordertown (2016) s01e07 Episode Script
Drug Lord
1 (bird screeches) (whistles) Well, well.
Who do we have here? - (grunts) - What the NASCAR?! Adios.
You son of a bitch! Stop! Whoa! Ow! - It's go time.
- (siren wailing) Gentlemen, we have finally found the weakest link in the U.
S.
border security.
His name is Bud Buckwald.
Prepare to move our largest heroin shipment ever into the U.
S.
through Mexifornia.
(ominous music plays) (cell phone ringing) Mom, I can't talk right now.
I'm working.
Your hairdresser was beheaded? No, that wasn't me.
Guys, did we behead a hairdresser? (snarling, growling) Our enemies killed your hairdresser.
They don't want you to date now that Dad has passed.
No, that's not just me being overprotective.
(crying): Why can't you just be happy being a mom? (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Hey, Ma, check it out.
For my next pageant, I decided I'm gonna do "Good Ship Lollipop" like that crazy bitch from a thousand years ago.
Ooh, that's great, Gert.
Let's see it.
Not now, you dum-dum.
I'm creating buzz.
Janice, what the hell? Where's dinner? You know what happens when my blood sugar drops.
(air hissing) Get the high-fructose corn syrup! Thank God diabetes doesn't have any other symptoms.
Honey, I didn't make dinner because the Gonzalezes invited us over for a barbecue.
Hola, Bud.
I'm eavesdropping.
And you said yes?! Bud, it's to celebrate J.
C.
's engagement to your daughter, so we're going.
Put on a shirt, Sanford.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! Yes, I would.
Okay, then.
Your happiness means the world to me.
Hola, Buckwalds.
So glad you could join us.
Bud, who's your 23-year-old girlfriend? (laughs) Stop coming on to my wife like a cartoon skunk.
Oh, your house is so lovely! Oh, what the hell? Your house can't be nicer than ours! We've been in this country longer! Oh, Bud, how can my house be nicer when all of the neighborhood rats clearly prefer yours? Get out of there! Hey, that's my mom! (festive music playing) How can you afford that grill? I've been trying to save up for one of them for years! Well, when you work hard in America, almost anything can happen.
Right, J.
C.
? How's that job search coming after three degrees that wiped out my savings? Actually, I have a job.
I'm a custodian.
You are? Yes.
Of Earth.
Our mother Gaia.
(plays short tune) Oh.
I was hoping you were the kind that cleans up (bleep) for money.
Wow, nice place, Ernesto.
Yeah, great place, Gonzalez.
Too bad you got that dump next door.
Oh, uh, I'm sure by "dump," you mean lovely home with many fine details.
I thought that was a pile of leftover foreskins comedically arranged to resemble a house.
Hey, Gert, what are you doing? I'm almost five, George.
If I'm gonna be famous, I got to get on with it and find me a sugar daddy.
Here's what I'm looking "fer": You're asking a lot.
The only famous Mexifornian is that squirrel with the funny under-bite.
But he blew his fortune on acorns.
Who wants to hear a story about El Cucuy, the most evil monster in all of Mexico? El Cucuy is scary! You want a real monster? This guy is the most famous, powerful, wealthy and evil drug lord in all of Mexico.
(gasps) (roars) Oh, he got a kitty! I must have him.
And that was the last time any of us ever saw a newspaper.
Welcome, neighbors.
Maria and I are so grateful you could all join us.
Looking around, I see what it is I love so much about this country.
We've got a Native American, an Asian couple, a, uh where are you from, Zeet? (speaking native language) Yeah, that country.
And I even managed to find a white guy! (laughter) Is that some kind of insult? We're still in charge! We still have the vice presidency! (laughter) Oh, Bud, you are a crazy guy! I love it! Oh! I got stung by a bee! Oh, bee, you are a crazy guy! I love it! I'll deport all of you! Don't think I can't do it! - I swear to God! - (laughter) Bud, don't get upset.
Nobody can understand you when you're upset.
God-ja! Stinging-dang-farthing foul! Cherdnitting fonging fing! Crickindink! Hey, I didn't know you were a wind talker.
What? Bud, it's okay that Ernesto has nicer things than us.
We get by just fine.
Look, my great-grandfather founded this town.
And he didn't throw dynamite at a mountain full of Indians just for his great-grandson to get shown up by an immigrant.
Well, Ernesto works two jobs and runs his own landscaping business.
If it's that important to you, maybe you should look for a second job.
Damn right I'm gonna find a second job! I'm sick of having the worst house in the neighborhood.
God, this place sucks.
I'm sorry! Come back! What's happening? Why are Dad and House fighting? Oh, Pablo.
Life with you would be so perfect.
(crowd cheering) (sighs) Pretty soon, Jamie Logan won't be the only girl in our class to have an adult boyfriend.
- Oh, hey, Bud.
- Hey, Bryce.
Think you got an axe in your head.
Wha? Huh.
Damn birds.
Some truce.
What are you looking at them classifieds for? Oh, just looking for a second job.
Well, you know, a lot of Mexicans pick up extra work as day laborers, hanging outside Garden Depot.
It must pay well, since so many of them do it.
Huh, maybe that's Ernesto's secret.
That's a great idea.
I'm tired of Ernesto always flaunting the fact that he's doing better than me.
Look at him out there, with his perfectly coiffed hair, always driving the latest convertible sports mower.
Hey, Bud! (gasps) He talked to me! Okay, men, here is the plan: I will lure our border agent friend away from his post, then you drive the trucks across the border and into the U.
S.
Now, remember, if you fail, I'll kill you and your families.
Okay, team.
Hands in.
ALL: Go, drugs! Now, get out there and have fun.
Hey, Americans! I'm entering your country illegally, you tiny-hatted, chronically overweight, celebrity-obsessed Facebook addicts! You son of a bitch! Only right-wing talk show hosts know what's wrong with America! That's right, come get me, you carbon-spewing siesta haters! You'll never outrun Lightning! Buckwald, that horse hasn't been tamed.
- (Lightning neighs) - (Bud grunts) (grunting and groaning) (tires screeching) (bird caws) He was blocking the road! There was nothing we could do! Please, Mr.
Barracuda! I'm afraid you've failed me for the last time.
Where's my Beheadsman? (thumping) Hey, boss! Need me to behead someone? Yes.
Juan here.
Juan! That's a great name! He seemed nice.
All right, see you guys later! Perhaps this border agent is more savvy than he appears.
Fortunately, there are other ways to gain his cooperation.
Bring Buckwald to me.
Lunch is here, Mr.
Barracuda.
Bring my sandwich to me.
Ooh, last time you ate at your desk, we got ants.
Bring me to my sandwich.
Yeah, those look like the day laborers.
Drop me off over there.
I'm proud of your father for taking on extra work.
Even if it is just to outdo Ernesto.
You think immigrants get rich by being day laborers? The truth is those men over there have more of the American work ethic than Americans like you ever will.
If Mexicans got such a great work ethic, then how do you explain Mexico? That whole country is like a cockfight where neither bird can finish the job.
- Señor! Señor! - Pick me! Pick me! Bud? What are you doing here? Uh, nothing.
Not trying to be a day laborer.
That's for sure.
What are you doing here? Me? Uh uh, not trying to hire cheap, illegal labor for today's crew.
That's for sure.
Well, I'm glad we agree.
Yep.
Good thing I drove out here so we could have this chat.
(laborers clamoring) Me! Me! White guy! Right here! Vampire Weekend! Fondue! Khakis! You, you, you, you and you.
- Sorry, Bud.
- Damn it! Why won't anyone pick me up? (helicopter whirring) Bud Buckwald? Yeah? I'm so sick of Americans taking our jobs.
Hello, Mr.
Buckwald.
My name is Pablo Barracuda.
How do you know my name? Let's just say, I'm a fan of your work.
Wow, you must make a lot of money, Mr.
Barracuda.
- What do you do? - I, uh, invented the letter S.
I stole the idea from a snake.
With vast wealth, I can afford the finer things in life.
- See that? - The Pacific Ocean? No, that's my swimming pool.
I bought the Pacific Ocean, drained it and replaced it with a saltwater swimming pool stocked with sea life.
Hey, you! Get out of my pool! MAN (over loudspeaker): Sorry! We must've gotten turned around while doing completely heterosexual things! I also own the only Zima bottling plant left in the world.
Would you like one? - Eh.
- Me, neither.
Mr.
Barracuda, is there a reason you brought me here? Mr.
Buckwald, how would you like to be in business with me? - No.
- I won't take "no" for an answer.
Oh, then yes.
This is for today.
It's a token of our new friendship.
Perhaps down the road, there might be something you could do for me.
Wow, being a day laborer is the best job in the world.
Now I can quit my job at the border station.
- No, don't do that.
- Why not? I don't want to tell you.
Well, then you got to tell me a different secret.
How many girls have you kissed? Mine's two.
Oh, Bud, you're home just in time for dinner.
Janice, throw that dinner out, 'cause I got an envelope full of cash that says we're eating at Beef Corral tonight! Wow, you've got Beef Corral money?! - (cheers) - Oh, Bud.
I haven't had Beef Corral since they catered our wedding.
Becky, are you ready for the poetry reading? Shut up, gorgeous.
We're going to Beef Corral.
Boy, this is living, huh? Janice, feel free to give me that public cheek kiss we've been talking about.
Oh, Bud.
And Gert, my little angel.
I got your favorite.
Caramel-fudge-flavored 48-Hour Energy.
Oh, Daddy, you're a cotton blossom.
(sighs) You're like an angel who was too big to fly.
Where exactly did you come up with this money? For your information, I met a rich businessman who asked me to consult in his business.
And, Janice, to celebrate, I bought something special for you.
(gasps) A ruby? Not just any ruby.
The Mayans called it the "Cursed Ruby of the Chactun.
" They believed (shouts) Get rid of it, get rid of it! Hey, a ruby.
I'm rich! (T.
rex roars) Bud, maybe this is the universe finally giving us a break after all the years of struggle and hardship we've had to endure.
Maybe we should celebrate your success by making love.
Honey, you know I hate that phrase.
Can't you just say "let's have sex"? Okay, let's have sex.
ERNESTO: Bud, why are you hiding in our garbage can? BUD: What I do in the privacy of your garbage can is between me and this chicken carcass.
Oh, Bud, it's so nice to hear everyone commenting on our beautiful home.
It's like we've got dignity.
ERNESTO: Hola, Bud! Your house is so beautiful.
Wow, look at that awesome grill.
You're not jealous? Oh, why would I be jealous? No, I'm happy for you.
I'll pay you $100 to act jealous.
Oh, Bud, your grill fills me with such envy.
I could die from jealousy.
Wow, that's the largest TV I've ever seen.
Okay, Bud, now I'm jealous.
I thought so.
(chuckles) Don't tell him we have the same TV in our bathroom.
In other news, Pablo Barracuda is suspected in today's Mexico City restaurant shootings.
Hey, there's my buddy.
That's your buddy?! Do you have any idea who that is? Pablo Barracuda is a notorious drug lord.
Drug lord? He's not a drug lord.
He hates drug lords.
He's killed all the other drug lords in Mexico.
Dad, this TV, the grill, it was all bought with drug money.
- (gasps) - (gasps) Drug money? Bud's not legitimately rich? Why are we watching the news at a party? Barracuda clearly wants your help getting drugs into the country.
He does not! My brother was killed by a TV bought with drug money, you jerk! I was in the bedroom trying on your daughter's underwear and heard what was going on.
You, sir, are sick.
JANICE: Bud, is what those people said about your friend true? Janice, what do you think? Let me paint you a picture.
Bud Buckwald becomes wealthy, and everyone's jealous.
So what do they do? They come up with something like this to try to take him down a notch.
That's just human nature, Janice.
I knew this was coming.
I've made a list of those I suspect are behind it.
And I've already gotten them back with a plan so clever it will blow your mind.
ERNESTO: Hey, Bud, did you poop on my porch? Relax, Janice.
Mr.
Barracuda doesn't want anything from me.
(telephone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, Mr.
Barracuda.
- Barracuda?! - Mister? That fish thinks he's people.
Bud, remember when I said I might need a favor from you someday? - Well, that day has come.
- What is it? I'd rather not discuss it over the phone, so I'd like you and your family to join me for dinner tomorrow.
Nothing too fancy.
Just wear whatever you'd wear to your own funerals.
Uh, Mr.
Barracuda, you're not a drug lord, are you? (laughing): What? Of course not.
Don't make me laugh, you silly goose.
(snickering) (snorts) Oh, Mr.
Buckwald, come to dinner.
You wouldn't want your family to disappear, would you? Hell, yeah, I would we'll be there! See? He didn't want me to smuggle any drugs for him.
He just wanted to invite us over for dinner.
What? Oh, God, I got five pounds to lose before tomorrow.
All right, Mr.
Chilean miner.
Hope you brought your head lamp, 'cause you gonna be down there for a while.
Barracuda lives here? Man, his parents must be loaded.
This was a bad idea, Dad.
Barracuda is a murderous thug.
I will not have you sully the good name of a man who gave me a large sum of money for something he didn't explain.
BARRACUDA: Mr.
Buckwald, I'm so glad you and your family could join me for dinner.
I hope it's to your liking.
Would you like any more? (screaming) Sorry about that.
Just to be safe, I have to begin dinners with a decoy.
Mr.
Buckwald, I'm so glad you and your family could join me for dinner.
SANFORD: Why are these ceilings so high? You got a really tall baby or something? (booming) Oh, my God.
Is that a missile? Oh, that? No, no, that's, uh, a football.
Neighborhood kids, huh? Uh, Hector, I'm having dinner.
Would you please deal with these kids? (people scream) Kids, they blow up so fast.
Here's my number.
It's a seven.
It's my favorite.
(bird screeches) Mr.
Barracuda, why did you invite us here? I wanted to meet your family.
I also have one tiny cocaine-granule-sized favor to ask of your father.
You see, I'd like to move my family to Mexifornia.
I have several moving trucks, and, well, Bud, I was wondering if you could spare us the hassle of customs.
I guess so.
Bud, that makes me so happy.
If there's anything you want, anything at all, tell me, and I will make it so.
- I want a thigh gap.
- What? I don't want my thighs to touch.
Figure it out.
Listen, Pablo, let's cut to the chase.
I need a sugar daddy, and I think we was meant to be together.
I'm flattered, but you look like someone stepped on that lady from The Drew Carey Show.
(sighs) Well, I gave it my best shot.
Before I go, could I just have one kiss? Of course.
You skunk-headed, dog-wrestling! Get this pit bull off me! Beheadsman, do something! Okay, boss.
(Gert shouting) You mustached, beach ball son of a bitch! Well, another party ends driving around the desert looking for where Gert landed.
Bud, why won't you admit what Barracuda really is? Is this all just so you can be better off than Ernesto? (sighs) You want to know why? Because that means I got to go back to being the old Bud, the Bud who can't provide for his family.
You want to go back to struggling and scraping just to get by? What about the money? Bud, you've never done anything for the money.
That's why we're poor.
That's why we only flush our toilets once a week, and why I let my broken arm heal without a cast.
But that's also what makes you a hero.
You became a border agent, not for the money, but because you chose to serve a cause greater than yourself.
And all those neighbors you're trying so hard to impress they owe their very safety and security to you.
Wow, I guess I am kind of a hero, aren't I? That's something Ernesto will never be.
Janice, if you'll excuse me, I've got a drug smuggler to stop.
If I die, tell the toilet I love him.
MALE VOICE: Why don't you tell me yourself? Stop eavesdropping! You know I do! Mr.
Buckwald, just the man I wanted to see.
I believe we had a deal.
Sorry, Barracuda.
The only deal I have is with America and the family of the girl I ran over.
I have to do chores at their house every week for the rest of my life.
It's, uh it's a nightmare.
Kill him! Buckwald, what's going on? I heard shots.
I'll tell you what's going on, Steve.
I've got Pablo Barracuda, and I'm delivering him DOA.
You idiot, that's not Barracuda.
- That's his decoy.
- What?! Hey, Steve, you got a suspicious truck incoming.
That's Barracuda's truck.
Crap, we'll never catch him.
Steve, hop on.
Hold tight, 'cause this sports mower's got turbo.
Well, at least I killed a guy.
I'm standing here with Ernesto Gonzalez, who single-handedly brought about the biggest drug bust in U.
S.
history.
You are a true American patriot.
Would you mind if I stroked your heroic mustache? Why don't you ask him? His name is El Guapo.
Can I pet you, El Guapo? (falsetto): Okay, but be gentle.
Gonzalez will receive a $10,000 reward for his efforts in helping protect America's border.
(crying) Mmm, you gave up your dreams to protect our country today.
Even if you didn't catch the real Barracuda, you're still my hero.
Thanks, Janice.
And now I'm going to give you a hero's reward.
What do you mean by that? Oh, you know exactly what it means.
(glass shatters) (Bud grunts) Gert, find Mommy the tent and the boom box.
I'm taking the party to Daddy.
Bud, do you want me to take you to my garbage? Yes please.
- Up.
- You are a good friend Ernesto
Who do we have here? - (grunts) - What the NASCAR?! Adios.
You son of a bitch! Stop! Whoa! Ow! - It's go time.
- (siren wailing) Gentlemen, we have finally found the weakest link in the U.
S.
border security.
His name is Bud Buckwald.
Prepare to move our largest heroin shipment ever into the U.
S.
through Mexifornia.
(ominous music plays) (cell phone ringing) Mom, I can't talk right now.
I'm working.
Your hairdresser was beheaded? No, that wasn't me.
Guys, did we behead a hairdresser? (snarling, growling) Our enemies killed your hairdresser.
They don't want you to date now that Dad has passed.
No, that's not just me being overprotective.
(crying): Why can't you just be happy being a mom? (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Hey, Ma, check it out.
For my next pageant, I decided I'm gonna do "Good Ship Lollipop" like that crazy bitch from a thousand years ago.
Ooh, that's great, Gert.
Let's see it.
Not now, you dum-dum.
I'm creating buzz.
Janice, what the hell? Where's dinner? You know what happens when my blood sugar drops.
(air hissing) Get the high-fructose corn syrup! Thank God diabetes doesn't have any other symptoms.
Honey, I didn't make dinner because the Gonzalezes invited us over for a barbecue.
Hola, Bud.
I'm eavesdropping.
And you said yes?! Bud, it's to celebrate J.
C.
's engagement to your daughter, so we're going.
Put on a shirt, Sanford.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! Yes, I would.
Okay, then.
Your happiness means the world to me.
Hola, Buckwalds.
So glad you could join us.
Bud, who's your 23-year-old girlfriend? (laughs) Stop coming on to my wife like a cartoon skunk.
Oh, your house is so lovely! Oh, what the hell? Your house can't be nicer than ours! We've been in this country longer! Oh, Bud, how can my house be nicer when all of the neighborhood rats clearly prefer yours? Get out of there! Hey, that's my mom! (festive music playing) How can you afford that grill? I've been trying to save up for one of them for years! Well, when you work hard in America, almost anything can happen.
Right, J.
C.
? How's that job search coming after three degrees that wiped out my savings? Actually, I have a job.
I'm a custodian.
You are? Yes.
Of Earth.
Our mother Gaia.
(plays short tune) Oh.
I was hoping you were the kind that cleans up (bleep) for money.
Wow, nice place, Ernesto.
Yeah, great place, Gonzalez.
Too bad you got that dump next door.
Oh, uh, I'm sure by "dump," you mean lovely home with many fine details.
I thought that was a pile of leftover foreskins comedically arranged to resemble a house.
Hey, Gert, what are you doing? I'm almost five, George.
If I'm gonna be famous, I got to get on with it and find me a sugar daddy.
Here's what I'm looking "fer": You're asking a lot.
The only famous Mexifornian is that squirrel with the funny under-bite.
But he blew his fortune on acorns.
Who wants to hear a story about El Cucuy, the most evil monster in all of Mexico? El Cucuy is scary! You want a real monster? This guy is the most famous, powerful, wealthy and evil drug lord in all of Mexico.
(gasps) (roars) Oh, he got a kitty! I must have him.
And that was the last time any of us ever saw a newspaper.
Welcome, neighbors.
Maria and I are so grateful you could all join us.
Looking around, I see what it is I love so much about this country.
We've got a Native American, an Asian couple, a, uh where are you from, Zeet? (speaking native language) Yeah, that country.
And I even managed to find a white guy! (laughter) Is that some kind of insult? We're still in charge! We still have the vice presidency! (laughter) Oh, Bud, you are a crazy guy! I love it! Oh! I got stung by a bee! Oh, bee, you are a crazy guy! I love it! I'll deport all of you! Don't think I can't do it! - I swear to God! - (laughter) Bud, don't get upset.
Nobody can understand you when you're upset.
God-ja! Stinging-dang-farthing foul! Cherdnitting fonging fing! Crickindink! Hey, I didn't know you were a wind talker.
What? Bud, it's okay that Ernesto has nicer things than us.
We get by just fine.
Look, my great-grandfather founded this town.
And he didn't throw dynamite at a mountain full of Indians just for his great-grandson to get shown up by an immigrant.
Well, Ernesto works two jobs and runs his own landscaping business.
If it's that important to you, maybe you should look for a second job.
Damn right I'm gonna find a second job! I'm sick of having the worst house in the neighborhood.
God, this place sucks.
I'm sorry! Come back! What's happening? Why are Dad and House fighting? Oh, Pablo.
Life with you would be so perfect.
(crowd cheering) (sighs) Pretty soon, Jamie Logan won't be the only girl in our class to have an adult boyfriend.
- Oh, hey, Bud.
- Hey, Bryce.
Think you got an axe in your head.
Wha? Huh.
Damn birds.
Some truce.
What are you looking at them classifieds for? Oh, just looking for a second job.
Well, you know, a lot of Mexicans pick up extra work as day laborers, hanging outside Garden Depot.
It must pay well, since so many of them do it.
Huh, maybe that's Ernesto's secret.
That's a great idea.
I'm tired of Ernesto always flaunting the fact that he's doing better than me.
Look at him out there, with his perfectly coiffed hair, always driving the latest convertible sports mower.
Hey, Bud! (gasps) He talked to me! Okay, men, here is the plan: I will lure our border agent friend away from his post, then you drive the trucks across the border and into the U.
S.
Now, remember, if you fail, I'll kill you and your families.
Okay, team.
Hands in.
ALL: Go, drugs! Now, get out there and have fun.
Hey, Americans! I'm entering your country illegally, you tiny-hatted, chronically overweight, celebrity-obsessed Facebook addicts! You son of a bitch! Only right-wing talk show hosts know what's wrong with America! That's right, come get me, you carbon-spewing siesta haters! You'll never outrun Lightning! Buckwald, that horse hasn't been tamed.
- (Lightning neighs) - (Bud grunts) (grunting and groaning) (tires screeching) (bird caws) He was blocking the road! There was nothing we could do! Please, Mr.
Barracuda! I'm afraid you've failed me for the last time.
Where's my Beheadsman? (thumping) Hey, boss! Need me to behead someone? Yes.
Juan here.
Juan! That's a great name! He seemed nice.
All right, see you guys later! Perhaps this border agent is more savvy than he appears.
Fortunately, there are other ways to gain his cooperation.
Bring Buckwald to me.
Lunch is here, Mr.
Barracuda.
Bring my sandwich to me.
Ooh, last time you ate at your desk, we got ants.
Bring me to my sandwich.
Yeah, those look like the day laborers.
Drop me off over there.
I'm proud of your father for taking on extra work.
Even if it is just to outdo Ernesto.
You think immigrants get rich by being day laborers? The truth is those men over there have more of the American work ethic than Americans like you ever will.
If Mexicans got such a great work ethic, then how do you explain Mexico? That whole country is like a cockfight where neither bird can finish the job.
- Señor! Señor! - Pick me! Pick me! Bud? What are you doing here? Uh, nothing.
Not trying to be a day laborer.
That's for sure.
What are you doing here? Me? Uh uh, not trying to hire cheap, illegal labor for today's crew.
That's for sure.
Well, I'm glad we agree.
Yep.
Good thing I drove out here so we could have this chat.
(laborers clamoring) Me! Me! White guy! Right here! Vampire Weekend! Fondue! Khakis! You, you, you, you and you.
- Sorry, Bud.
- Damn it! Why won't anyone pick me up? (helicopter whirring) Bud Buckwald? Yeah? I'm so sick of Americans taking our jobs.
Hello, Mr.
Buckwald.
My name is Pablo Barracuda.
How do you know my name? Let's just say, I'm a fan of your work.
Wow, you must make a lot of money, Mr.
Barracuda.
- What do you do? - I, uh, invented the letter S.
I stole the idea from a snake.
With vast wealth, I can afford the finer things in life.
- See that? - The Pacific Ocean? No, that's my swimming pool.
I bought the Pacific Ocean, drained it and replaced it with a saltwater swimming pool stocked with sea life.
Hey, you! Get out of my pool! MAN (over loudspeaker): Sorry! We must've gotten turned around while doing completely heterosexual things! I also own the only Zima bottling plant left in the world.
Would you like one? - Eh.
- Me, neither.
Mr.
Barracuda, is there a reason you brought me here? Mr.
Buckwald, how would you like to be in business with me? - No.
- I won't take "no" for an answer.
Oh, then yes.
This is for today.
It's a token of our new friendship.
Perhaps down the road, there might be something you could do for me.
Wow, being a day laborer is the best job in the world.
Now I can quit my job at the border station.
- No, don't do that.
- Why not? I don't want to tell you.
Well, then you got to tell me a different secret.
How many girls have you kissed? Mine's two.
Oh, Bud, you're home just in time for dinner.
Janice, throw that dinner out, 'cause I got an envelope full of cash that says we're eating at Beef Corral tonight! Wow, you've got Beef Corral money?! - (cheers) - Oh, Bud.
I haven't had Beef Corral since they catered our wedding.
Becky, are you ready for the poetry reading? Shut up, gorgeous.
We're going to Beef Corral.
Boy, this is living, huh? Janice, feel free to give me that public cheek kiss we've been talking about.
Oh, Bud.
And Gert, my little angel.
I got your favorite.
Caramel-fudge-flavored 48-Hour Energy.
Oh, Daddy, you're a cotton blossom.
(sighs) You're like an angel who was too big to fly.
Where exactly did you come up with this money? For your information, I met a rich businessman who asked me to consult in his business.
And, Janice, to celebrate, I bought something special for you.
(gasps) A ruby? Not just any ruby.
The Mayans called it the "Cursed Ruby of the Chactun.
" They believed (shouts) Get rid of it, get rid of it! Hey, a ruby.
I'm rich! (T.
rex roars) Bud, maybe this is the universe finally giving us a break after all the years of struggle and hardship we've had to endure.
Maybe we should celebrate your success by making love.
Honey, you know I hate that phrase.
Can't you just say "let's have sex"? Okay, let's have sex.
ERNESTO: Bud, why are you hiding in our garbage can? BUD: What I do in the privacy of your garbage can is between me and this chicken carcass.
Oh, Bud, it's so nice to hear everyone commenting on our beautiful home.
It's like we've got dignity.
ERNESTO: Hola, Bud! Your house is so beautiful.
Wow, look at that awesome grill.
You're not jealous? Oh, why would I be jealous? No, I'm happy for you.
I'll pay you $100 to act jealous.
Oh, Bud, your grill fills me with such envy.
I could die from jealousy.
Wow, that's the largest TV I've ever seen.
Okay, Bud, now I'm jealous.
I thought so.
(chuckles) Don't tell him we have the same TV in our bathroom.
In other news, Pablo Barracuda is suspected in today's Mexico City restaurant shootings.
Hey, there's my buddy.
That's your buddy?! Do you have any idea who that is? Pablo Barracuda is a notorious drug lord.
Drug lord? He's not a drug lord.
He hates drug lords.
He's killed all the other drug lords in Mexico.
Dad, this TV, the grill, it was all bought with drug money.
- (gasps) - (gasps) Drug money? Bud's not legitimately rich? Why are we watching the news at a party? Barracuda clearly wants your help getting drugs into the country.
He does not! My brother was killed by a TV bought with drug money, you jerk! I was in the bedroom trying on your daughter's underwear and heard what was going on.
You, sir, are sick.
JANICE: Bud, is what those people said about your friend true? Janice, what do you think? Let me paint you a picture.
Bud Buckwald becomes wealthy, and everyone's jealous.
So what do they do? They come up with something like this to try to take him down a notch.
That's just human nature, Janice.
I knew this was coming.
I've made a list of those I suspect are behind it.
And I've already gotten them back with a plan so clever it will blow your mind.
ERNESTO: Hey, Bud, did you poop on my porch? Relax, Janice.
Mr.
Barracuda doesn't want anything from me.
(telephone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, Mr.
Barracuda.
- Barracuda?! - Mister? That fish thinks he's people.
Bud, remember when I said I might need a favor from you someday? - Well, that day has come.
- What is it? I'd rather not discuss it over the phone, so I'd like you and your family to join me for dinner tomorrow.
Nothing too fancy.
Just wear whatever you'd wear to your own funerals.
Uh, Mr.
Barracuda, you're not a drug lord, are you? (laughing): What? Of course not.
Don't make me laugh, you silly goose.
(snickering) (snorts) Oh, Mr.
Buckwald, come to dinner.
You wouldn't want your family to disappear, would you? Hell, yeah, I would we'll be there! See? He didn't want me to smuggle any drugs for him.
He just wanted to invite us over for dinner.
What? Oh, God, I got five pounds to lose before tomorrow.
All right, Mr.
Chilean miner.
Hope you brought your head lamp, 'cause you gonna be down there for a while.
Barracuda lives here? Man, his parents must be loaded.
This was a bad idea, Dad.
Barracuda is a murderous thug.
I will not have you sully the good name of a man who gave me a large sum of money for something he didn't explain.
BARRACUDA: Mr.
Buckwald, I'm so glad you and your family could join me for dinner.
I hope it's to your liking.
Would you like any more? (screaming) Sorry about that.
Just to be safe, I have to begin dinners with a decoy.
Mr.
Buckwald, I'm so glad you and your family could join me for dinner.
SANFORD: Why are these ceilings so high? You got a really tall baby or something? (booming) Oh, my God.
Is that a missile? Oh, that? No, no, that's, uh, a football.
Neighborhood kids, huh? Uh, Hector, I'm having dinner.
Would you please deal with these kids? (people scream) Kids, they blow up so fast.
Here's my number.
It's a seven.
It's my favorite.
(bird screeches) Mr.
Barracuda, why did you invite us here? I wanted to meet your family.
I also have one tiny cocaine-granule-sized favor to ask of your father.
You see, I'd like to move my family to Mexifornia.
I have several moving trucks, and, well, Bud, I was wondering if you could spare us the hassle of customs.
I guess so.
Bud, that makes me so happy.
If there's anything you want, anything at all, tell me, and I will make it so.
- I want a thigh gap.
- What? I don't want my thighs to touch.
Figure it out.
Listen, Pablo, let's cut to the chase.
I need a sugar daddy, and I think we was meant to be together.
I'm flattered, but you look like someone stepped on that lady from The Drew Carey Show.
(sighs) Well, I gave it my best shot.
Before I go, could I just have one kiss? Of course.
You skunk-headed, dog-wrestling! Get this pit bull off me! Beheadsman, do something! Okay, boss.
(Gert shouting) You mustached, beach ball son of a bitch! Well, another party ends driving around the desert looking for where Gert landed.
Bud, why won't you admit what Barracuda really is? Is this all just so you can be better off than Ernesto? (sighs) You want to know why? Because that means I got to go back to being the old Bud, the Bud who can't provide for his family.
You want to go back to struggling and scraping just to get by? What about the money? Bud, you've never done anything for the money.
That's why we're poor.
That's why we only flush our toilets once a week, and why I let my broken arm heal without a cast.
But that's also what makes you a hero.
You became a border agent, not for the money, but because you chose to serve a cause greater than yourself.
And all those neighbors you're trying so hard to impress they owe their very safety and security to you.
Wow, I guess I am kind of a hero, aren't I? That's something Ernesto will never be.
Janice, if you'll excuse me, I've got a drug smuggler to stop.
If I die, tell the toilet I love him.
MALE VOICE: Why don't you tell me yourself? Stop eavesdropping! You know I do! Mr.
Buckwald, just the man I wanted to see.
I believe we had a deal.
Sorry, Barracuda.
The only deal I have is with America and the family of the girl I ran over.
I have to do chores at their house every week for the rest of my life.
It's, uh it's a nightmare.
Kill him! Buckwald, what's going on? I heard shots.
I'll tell you what's going on, Steve.
I've got Pablo Barracuda, and I'm delivering him DOA.
You idiot, that's not Barracuda.
- That's his decoy.
- What?! Hey, Steve, you got a suspicious truck incoming.
That's Barracuda's truck.
Crap, we'll never catch him.
Steve, hop on.
Hold tight, 'cause this sports mower's got turbo.
Well, at least I killed a guy.
I'm standing here with Ernesto Gonzalez, who single-handedly brought about the biggest drug bust in U.
S.
history.
You are a true American patriot.
Would you mind if I stroked your heroic mustache? Why don't you ask him? His name is El Guapo.
Can I pet you, El Guapo? (falsetto): Okay, but be gentle.
Gonzalez will receive a $10,000 reward for his efforts in helping protect America's border.
(crying) Mmm, you gave up your dreams to protect our country today.
Even if you didn't catch the real Barracuda, you're still my hero.
Thanks, Janice.
And now I'm going to give you a hero's reward.
What do you mean by that? Oh, you know exactly what it means.
(glass shatters) (Bud grunts) Gert, find Mommy the tent and the boom box.
I'm taking the party to Daddy.
Bud, do you want me to take you to my garbage? Yes please.
- Up.
- You are a good friend Ernesto