Bored to Death (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) (doorbell buzzes) Oh, hey, Ray.
Come on up.
Ow! Sorry sorry.
Hi.
- Are you all right? - Not really.
I've got a weird situation going on.
I've been calling you all morning.
Sorry.
My phone's been off.
What's the matter? Did you get in a fight with Leah? No, Lisa and Michelle the lesbians I've been donating my sperm to they've disappeared.
I'm worried about them.
Why do you think they've disappeared? I don't know.
My emails are bouncing back.
Their phones are out of service.
It's been going on for five days.
What if they got into a car accident? What if they're in a coma? I don't think they would both be in a coma.
They do everything together.
Have you called the local hospitals? I don't know their last names.
But you've been giving them all of your sperm for the past two months.
Yeah, but I'm bad with names.
Well, they're probably out of town on a trip.
No, they would have told me.
We've become very close.
Look, for years I've been jerking off purely for medicinal reasons, like lancing a wound.
But trying to have a baby with them has given it new meaning.
I understand.
What if something happened to them? What if Michelle wasn't conceiving and they just dumped me? I don't know.
Where was the last place you saw them? Ozzie's Cafe.
It's where we did the sperm transfer.
- Let's go there.
- Why? In detective novels you always start where the missing person last was and work your way back.
Okay, are you sure you can take a writing break? Yeah, I'm at a really good stopping point.
Let's go.
You do all the talking.
She doesn't like me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can I ask you a few questions? Who are you? My name is Jonathan Ames.
I'm a private detective.
- You don't look like a cop.
- I'm a private cop.
You're a security guard? Why aren't you wearing your outfit? Private detectives don't wear outfits, okay? Look, do you recognize this man? Yeah, I know him.
He comes in with a cooler every couple of days and doesn't order anything.
I'm an illustrator.
I'm a little low on money right now.
You ever see him with two women? Yeah, they were nice.
They spent money.
They also had a cooler.
It was weird.
Why were you always carrying that thing? I don't mean to be rude, but I was transporting chilled semen.
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
Look, the two women you saw him with are missing.
Do you know where they live? I don't know where any of these people live.
Let me ask you something if you don't know where they live, how do you know they're missing? That's an excellent point.
- Hey.
- Yeah? I've seen them at the food co-op.
You have to be a member to shop there.
So they'll have their address.
Thank you.
That's very helpful.
Sorry, it's all I got.
I'm kind of a starving artist.
You look like you eat all right to me.
I know all the members of the co-op, and I can't place a couple named Michelle and Lisa.
But Park Slope has more lesbians than any other city in the U.
S.
It's kind of like San Francisco, but for women.
I love San Francisco.
The light there is very beautiful.
Shit.
You must have seen 'em.
Michelle is large-chested.
Lisa is very strange.
She doesn't look at you in the eye.
She had those tattoos on her neck the circle thing with a cross going down that stands for vaginas or women's restrooms or something like that.
You know who he's talking about, don't you? Yeah, I know 'em.
I've seen that tattoo.
But their names aren't Michelle or Lisa.
What are their names and where do they live? I'm not telling you.
This is a food co-op, okay? People expect privacy.
We have ethics here.
Would $20 help you with your ethics? Who do you think you are? The people who work here are like family.
I'm not gonna betray their trust for money.
Well, I might have something else that interests you.
I like a man who carries a one-hitter.
I can tell that this is good stuff because I'm kind of missing everyone in my life right now but I don't mind, because it's like a beautiful sadness.
That happens to me too when I'm high I miss everyone and I love everyone.
When I get high I realize that I clench my anus.
That's not healthy.
You clench it all the time? Yeah, but smoking helps me unclench it.
See, that's why pot should be legalized.
Okay, I think this is what you guys are looking for.
I've got to get back to work.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
I was worried about them.
We're trying to have a baby together.
Yeah, thank you.
And if you see them again, please give me a call.
Or call me if you want some more of this pot.
The guy I deal with is very organic and hydroponic.
Thanks, yeah.
We should definitely smoke again sometime.
I just ordered this vaporizer the volcano.
They use it on cancer patients in Germany.
Great.
It's really healthy.
It's what Woody Harrelson uses.
- (doorbell rings) - Why would they give me false names? I had a crush on a Michelle, not a Margaret.
That co-op girl was really cute.
I think she kind of liked me.
I think she liked your pot.
She liked me and my pot.
Okay, they're not answering.
Now what? Man: Hello.
Yes, building inspector.
I need to be buzzed in.
Go fuck yourself.
Woman: Hello.
Yeah, it's, uh, U.
P.
S.
I have that thing you ordered.
- (door buzzes) - Nice.
I can pick the lock.
Why didn't you use that out front? Well, it's a little conspicuous.
And I'm so stoned I forgot that I had it.
Voila.
Yeah, they definitely skipped town, all right.
Okay, I'll check the kitchen for clues.
You check the bathroom and bedroom.
What are you gonna do, find a turkey baster with fingerprints on it? Man, I don't know.
Just what detectives do.
We gotta case the joint, follow protocol.
The only thing I found in the refrigerator was this unopened kombucha.
I can't believe they left it behind.
This stuff's really expensive.
Look what I found lady shaving cream.
I could use some of this stuff for my neck under my beard.
I usually use soap.
It looks like shit.
I'm glad I found this.
I've got really bad dry-mouth.
What's this? Oh, there are papers in here.
Why do I always believe the labels on this health-food stuff? I think the writers they use are really good, very convincing.
There's nothing with a forwarding address.
I really just wanted to get Michelle pregnant and make her happy.
Why don't you just try with Leah? Because she doesn't want any more kids.
And if she did, she wouldn't want any with me.
- Why not? - Because I'm broke.
She's giving me an allowance.
I can hardly pay for all the DVDs I've been buying.
How much allowance is she giving you? Well, more than the two girls, but they're four and six.
Look at this.
Look at this something with my name on it.
Let me see this.
"Beth Handler and Annie Sklaver, Tavia O'Neal and Shelby Hernandez, Dawn Miller and Samantha Bryant.
" There must be 30 couples on there, all female.
They've been selling my sperm.
Oh, shit, you're right.
(door slams) Let's get out of here.
We'll study this stuff later.
I have to have dinner with George in the city.
Why are they selling my sperm? What are you doing in this apartment? Call the super.
We have intruders.
No no no, everything's okay.
We're not doing anything.
I'm Jewish.
Call 911! Get out of my way! Oh God, I twisted my knee.
- Jonathan.
- Suzanne.
What are you doing? Why were you running down the street? Well, it's crazy, but it's not my fault.
Ray got in trouble with some Hasids.
Then he hurt his knee.
And then they called 911 on us.
No one's ever called 911 on me.
It's very scary.
What are you talking about? Are you stoned? No.
Hey, who's this? Hi.
I didn't know you had a dog.
- What's his name? - Philip.
I got him to get over you.
You replaced me with a little white dog named Philip? Yeah.
But you could have held on to me.
I'm not neutered.
I don't beg for food.
I don't have to be walked.
You're obviously stoned and l Jonathan, we've gotta go.
Those Hasids got a good look at us.
Let's go.
Okay, one second.
One second, Ray.
Bye, Jonathan.
Here.
Suzanne, wait wait wait.
You forgot these.
Well, I fucked things up with her again.
At least you're consistent.
So you think that these women are selling Ray's sperm on some kind of, what, lesbian black market? Yes, he may have as many as 30 children.
Well, you know something? I envy him.
I always wanted a big family, to be a patriarch like Tolstoy.
I sometimes do wonder if I have children out there that I don't know about.
I had a lot of one-night stands in the '70s and in the '80s.
Also the '60s.
Jesus, I've been fucking forever.
I was conceived in the late '70s.
Bartender: Excuse me, Mr.
Christopher.
A note for you.
Oh, crap.
Antrem wants us to join him for a drink.
When did he ooze in here? I don't know, but he's with Louis Greene.
That guy wrote a really bad review of my novel.
Little bastard.
Well, come on, let's face these assholes, shall we? George, why are you and Antrem such enemies? I think it's because he's in love with me, which is why he hates me.
It's why he married my second wife Priscilla so he could be close to me and yet crush me.
Thank you.
You ready? Yeah.
George, sit down, won't you? Have a seat, please.
Sorry, we have dinner reservations.
- We're just taking off.
- What a shame.
Hi, it's Louis Greene.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
It's Jonathan Ames.
Lovely to see you.
How are you, Jonathan? - Hello, Louis.
- Oh, you two know each other? - Sure.
- Louis reviewed my novel in "Slate.
" I believe the headline was "Next time, Jonathan, try writing with both hands.
" That's a good line.
What's it mean? That I was masturbating while typing.
My mother read that review.
Well, think of it this way at least your novel produced one memorable phrase.
I happened to write it.
(laughs) George, sit down, please.
There's something I need to tell you.
Please.
All right.
I don't know if you know this, but Molly Brooks has been a widow for a few months now.
You should give her a call.
Priscilla thinks it's a great idea.
What are you talking about? Molly's in her early 70s.
George, you can't keep dating women half your age forever.
Priscilla's worried about you being alone.
What if you slip in the shower, break a hip? Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? No, that's just the personal stuff.
Listen, I need to give you a heads up we're gonna be doing a coffee-table book with Random House.
I'm doing all the writing.
It is an update of your old guide "What you Need to Know New York.
" Ours is gonna be called - "What You Need to Know Now.
" - Now.
If they're doing an update, why didn't they come to me? Well, they must have heard that "Edition" might be going under.
No, that is not true.
- Well, that's good news.
- What a relief.
I had read that "Edition" had to reduce its page count by 15%.
That's it.
We're out of here.
Jonathan, are you working on a new book? Yes, I am.
And it's coming along really well.
Good.
I look forward to reading it then.
George, I'll email you Molly's number.
No no no.
What? Leah: Ray, how can you just sit there? This is serious.
Those women stole your DNA.
Who cares? Let's just pretend it never happened.
(whooshes) See? I've forgotten already.
Let's smoke some pot or something.
No, I want you to do something about this.
Oh, we're gonna do something about this.
What are you gonna do? Call the cops and tell them my DNA was sold at a pawnshop? You don't need the cops.
You've got me.
Now I think we should track down all the women on this sheet and see if any of them know anything that could lead us to Lisa and Michelle.
- Yeah.
- I did that already.
No one is listed in the phone book.
They all have cell phones.
I don't even know why they make phone books anymore.
I think the two of you should go door to door and hunt these criminals down.
I can't believe they did this to you.
I feel like I've been robbed.
But it's my sperm.
Yeah, but your sperm is my sperm.
Really? Yes.
I guess I should get my sperm stolen more often.
What do you think, Jonathan? I think they never should have messed with my friend's semen.
She's the kind of girl Who's in my thoughts All night And she's the kind of girl Who makes your wrongs all right But she'll never know How I feel deep inside Every time I think of her I cry We could last forever But, baby, don't you cry We could last forever But, baby, don't you cry We could last forever.
I can't believe I fired 30 blanks.
I'm a sterile loser.
It's because I smoke too much pot.
- The government was right.
- You're not a loser.
The cooler probably didn't freeze the sperm right, okay? Look, there's still one couple left out in Ditmas Park.
We can go there tomorrow.
(phone rings) Shit, it's my editor.
Hello, Caroline.
How are you? I'm good.
I just wanted to check in.
You're only a month away from your deadline.
How's the work coming? Uh, well, very good.
The narrator is going through a lot of emotional pain and mental pain.
Why? I thought it was a comedy about one man's failed journey through the Kama Sutra.
Well, the failure is upsetting to him.
Okay, that sounds good.
You know, I was looking at this Kama Sutra stuff on the internet for the book jacket and I have to say I was very aroused.
My husband was a terrific lover before he died, but I have to say there were some things we definitely did not try.
Um, that's wonderful, Caroline.
- (beeps) - Honey, I've got another call.
I'll talk to you later.
Big kiss, mwah.
Okay, mwah.
(sighs) I'm doomed.
My novel's due in a month and I only have one sentence.
And I don't even like it.
Even that building is laughing at me.
Do you think the architect purposely made it look like a gigantic cock? Yes.
To humiliate me.
- George.
- Yeah.
Sorry I couldn't get here sooner.
I was out all day helping Ray.
Yeah, come here, come here.
Sit down.
Read this.
Tell me what you think.
It's this week's editorial.
I've got to email that in.
The deadline was half an hour ago, so hurry up.
George, this is too much.
You'll be sued.
(laughs) "Richard Antrem has the brainpower of someone with tertiary syphilis, the penis of a hermaphrodite and the moral judgment of a subnormal pinhead.
" You can't publish this as an editorial.
Why not? It's all true.
But it's libel, slander.
And it's really long.
Did you write all of this today? I haven't written this much in months.
Yeah, well, it's easy when you're inspired.
Keep reading.
(laughs) Okay, George, you can't do this.
You say that he has a mouth like the anus of a starfish and that he's been suspected of plagiarism his whole career.
Yeah, so let him try to prove any of it's untrue.
George, do you remember when you told me that I needed to be sane when you were insane? No, I don't remember.
What's the matter with you? This is gonna be a great issue my editorial and the comic that you did with Ray.
George, I know that Antrem torments you, but you attack "GQ," calling it a women's magazine.
I've had it, really.
Seriously, I can't take it anymore.
They guy's like a classic playground bully.
And you know how you deal with bullies? - Tell the teacher? - No no.
You fight back.
You kick 'em in the balls.
George, publishing this is something he would do.
No no, it's not.
It wouldn't be as well written.
And send.
Maybe it's best that I'm sterile.
Don't say that.
I'd make a lousy father anyway.
I wouldn't be able to tell a child all the lies you need to feed them.
Like what? Like 18 years of school is fun, and that crushing your spirit to fit in with the rest of the world is a good thing.
I don't know.
I'd like to have a kid someday.
Except I'd worry about that soft spot on top of their head.
I'd want them to wear a bicycle helmet all the time.
Wait, soft spot? What's a soft spot? The soft spot, it's like it's a very dangerous part on top of a baby's head.
If you touch on it it can go right to the brain.
Yeah.
I'll do all the talking.
(knocks on door) - Yes? - Renee Dalton? Who's asking? My name is Jonathan Ames.
I'm a private detective.
I'm sorry, what do you want? My associate and I have reason to believe that you may have been sold illegally obtained sperm.
We'd like to know two things: Do you know the whereabouts of the people who sold you the sperm; and are you pregnant? How did you get my name? From the apartment of two women known to us as Lisa and Michelle real names Margaret Duckett and Ellen Willis.
My associate actually is the man whose sperm was stolen by these two.
What's going on? Who are you? I'm Jonathan Ames.
I'm a private detective.
Show me some identification.
Well, I'm not officially a private detective, but I do have a New Jersey driver's license.
All right, let's go in the house.
They're here about the sperm we used.
It came from him.
- Hi.
- They know Lisa and Michelle.
Are you telling me I'm pregnant with this guy's baby? - Both: You're pregnant? - It's very early.
We're not really telling anyone yet.
You're pregnant.
That's so exciting.
That's great that you're pregnant.
This is bullshit.
We're very happy.
This is what we wanted.
Hey hey hey, what do you do? The donor was supposed to be a mathematics PhD from Stanford.
I went to the University of Albany.
I studied art.
I'm a cartoonist.
Are you at least a vegan? We were told the donor would have very little mercury in his sperm.
Well, I eat fish.
And I eat a lot of meat a lot of meat.
But I've had two colonics.
Oh my God, you were supposed to be a vegan with an average build.
I do have an average build.
I don't believe this.
I feel like Mia Farrow in "Rosemary's Baby.
" Oh, sweetheart, it's not that bad.
Okay, you two get off my porch or I'll call 911.
No no no, don't call 911.
I hate 911.
Look, you should be happy.
Ray is a great guy, he's a wonderful friend and I'm sure he has incredible DNA.
I do have good DNA.
I mean, there's Crohn's disease on my mom's side, but Don't ever contact us again.
You're to have nothing to do with this child.
Come on.
- I am so sorry.
- Renee.
Find me on Facebook.
Renee.
I'm having a baby.
The mother of my child hates me.
It's kind of one of these.
Papa.
Bonnie: Get off my porch.
To your first collaboration.
And to not being sterile.
To having a child with a woman who hates me.
Here's to being just like my own father.
Nice editorial, George.
I can't stand Antrem.
I liked that line about the starfish anus.
I just report what I see, gentlemen.
(laughing) I challenge this man.
To what, Richard, arm-wrestling, a spelling bee? When I was at Oxford on my Rhodes scholarship, we would have settled this in the ring Queensberry rules.
I challenge you to a boxing match, you old piece of shit.
I don't mind saying that that was a horrible piece of writing, Mr.
Christopher.
I mean, it was indulgent and cowardly Louis, just stay out of it.
I've known you for 25 years, Antrem, and I've wanted to hit you for 25 years.
I happily accept your challenge.
And so do I.
L I'll fight Louis.
Say "I accept.
" I accept.
Whoa whoa whoa, what about me? I want to fight.
Can I get in on this? (theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me All the shadows in the city All right Bored to death, plus expenses The only trouble is my sentence You said you'd never love another A Russian doll, one inside the other.