Brickleberry s01e07 Episode Script

Technical support.
May I help you? Hi, uh, my Internet went out right in the middle of watching Beethoven on Netflix.
I need to know if that dog gets put to sleep or not! Oh, the slobbery dog? It is most funny.
My favorite is when he steals the turkey leg - from Charles Grodin, and - No, no, no, no! Please don't ruin it! Just fix my Internet.
Of course, Sir.
First, power cycle the modem.
Unplug the ethernet cord and the AC adapter.
Ether-dapter? What? I'm struggling with your stupid accent.
What part of America are you from? My name is Mukund.
I am from Mumbai, India, Sir.
Moon pie, India? Goddamn outsourcing! Stealing all our jobs, screwing up our economy.
My country is in the shitter because of your country.
This is a bunch of anti-American, Uncle Sam-raping bullsh oh.
Oh, it's back on.
Hey, uh, thanks, moonpie.
Thank you so much.
Brickleberry! Good morning, rangers.
Isn't this a glorious morning? Guys, I'm trying to heat up my tea, but there doesn't seem to be a door.
It's never had a door.
Woody said doors cost extra.
It still works.
You just have to shove a wet knife in the door hole.
- Uh, isn't that dangerous? - Oh, very.
Another nosebleed.
- Connie! What happened? - Woody made me neuter the wolves, but he's too cheap to buy tranquilizer darts.
Okay, who's first? That's it, we've gotta do something.
Yeah, before this bitch turn into a werewolf.
No, about Woody.
He's totally exploiting us just to cut the budget.
We have no health insurance, no pension, and this is the worst employee break room I have ever seen.
What incompetent moron is our Union Rep? Steve.
Hey, I'm not incompetent, and what's so bad about this break room? He broke my dick! That fridge goat broke my dick! Yes.
Is this bearlover dot net? Well, your website is broken.
I logged on to see cute bears, but I just keep seeing pictures of fat, hairy gay guys! - Okay, and what is your name, Sir? - Wait.
Mukund? You work here, too? Yes, Sir.
I work for four companies, 22 hours a day.
Well, your life probably sucks, but at least you're loaded, right? I'm not loaded, but this gun is.
I am coming to you, Ganesh! Man, this guy's hilarious.
Hello? Hello? - You gonna get that? Ugh! - Mukund? Mukund? Woody, somebody left a pile of shit on the doorstep.
Ha, ha, ha.
Malloy, have you seen Denzel, Ethel, and Connie? This is gonna sting, but they're having a secret Union meeting to replace you.
That didn't sting at all.
That felt great.
Man, this place is scarier than the backside of Connie's panties on taco night.
Okay, what do we need? Proper health benefits, safer working conditions - A-ha! - Ah, shit! Man, you scared me! So it's true! You guys are trying to replace me - behind my back.
- The thing is, Steve, we need leadership, and the problem is, Woody doesn't respect you.
Woody doesn't respect me? But you guys respect me, don't you? I think you're a pussy.
Mmm.
I'll stand up to Woody! Let me go to him with your demands.
All I ask is for one more shot to win back your respect.
Ooh, awkward.
Uh, listen, we've got the graveyard booked for a human sacrifice at midnight.
Uh, you wouldn't happen to be a virgin, would you? Okay, yeah, I get it.
I think you made your point, thank you.
And thank you for double-checking with me.
That's so sweet.
What the hell do you want, Steve? Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.
- Demands? - Well, maybe suggestions.
Suggestions? Well, more of a wish list, actually.
All right, Steve.
You want to negotiate? We'll negotiate.
Good news, guys.
We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.
Really? What insurance do we have now? None, but this way we'll be more careful.
All: Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up, and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break.
So Woody's gonna get rid of those.
Steve, you're a spineless turd.
You can't stand up to anyone.
Yes, I can.
- Sit your ass down! - Okay.
This is unacceptable, and we are not going to put up with this.
Oh, no? Then maybe I should just replace you.
Right, like you could find anyone who would work for less than us.
Funny you should say that.
I already did.
- Hello, my friends.
- Hello, my friends.
Thousand greetings.
Ha, ha, ha! They're Skyped in from India, and work for three bucks a day.
Do they get any channels other than Al Jazeera? So what's it gonna be? You can "A" take the deal Steve and I agreed to, or "B" get the hell out! This is ridiculous.
He can't possibly outsource park rangers to India.
- I call his bluff.
- I'm with Ethel.
Hell, yeah! I'm with Ethel and Andre the 'Gina.
I quit.
Steve, I am so proud of you for quitting with us.
Yeah, that took balls, Steve.
Well, all for one, right? Yeah.
I thought you was gonna punk out.
Hey, why don't you have anything in your box? Sorry, guys, I couldn't quit.
Could you recycle this for me? - Traitor! - I should've known.
You better be glad this flimsy gate's here, or I'd whoop your ass.
I'm with Woody, guys.
I couldn't leave Brickleberry even if I had to take a 50% pay cut! Sounds good, Steve! I'm giving you a 50% pay cut! Thank you.
Great idea, Sir.
Damn it.
Welcome to Brickleberry National Park, my friends.
Ow! What? I swear to God, he asked to see it.
Ow! Ooh, look at that! These dot bots are incredible! They work hard and don't complain, unlike those quitters you call friends.
Gotta respect those stupid assholes, though.
They stuck to their guns.
How 'bout me? I did exactly what you wanted.
Damn right, you did.
Hey, Dottie! Two lemonades.
One for me and one for my submissive bitch, Steve.
Woody, this is not gonna work out.
I mean, they're robots.
Here are the two lemonades you requested.
Or maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge.
The panda's mating season is from July to September.
Yeah, eat that bamboo.
Hey, keep it down.
I'm trying to watch TV.
Look, Ajay, a talking bear! He is much like the Teddy Ruxpin, a children's toy from the mid-1980s.
You would simply insert audio cassettes into his anus and he would read fables to you.
Listen, you're not gonna ruin my life with your annoying work ethic.
Now loosen up, have some fun.
Let's watch some Asian porn together like gentlemen.
Pandas don't do it for us.
Do you have any cows? I can't believe Steve did this to us.
It's okay, Connie.
We'll just find new jobs here.
In this inbred, hick town? I take offense to that.
I is the Mayor.
Now I is the Mayor.
You better gimme back my goddamn Mayor hat! Politics.
What's more offensive to you? Mm? Hey, Steve, check this out.
I think I've seen your mother.
She's bow-legged from your fat head coming through her wagina.
Nice.
If either one of us had hands, I'd high-five you.
Mr.
Steve, I can't believe they disrespect you like that.
Ah, it's okay.
They're my buddies.
- I'm not your buddy, dick hole! - Eh, me neither, dick hole! Uh, you're Dottie, right? Actually, my name is Rakshapani.
Oh, uh, I'm Steve.
I know.
You are the top ranger here at Brickleberry.
Really? You know what? We should grab dinner some time, rock shit pony.
We've looked everywhere.
There's no job openings in this town.
- This place looks promising.
- Ethel, I think that's a titty bar.
- I don't know if we should - Yeah! Tit-ty bar! Tit-ty bar! Come in, come in! Jesus, this business is getting so stale.
What do you want? What do we have here? You! You're the world's next stripping sensation! Well, guys, this is a this is a tough decision, but I'm going to do it.
I'm gonna do it for all of us.
Okay, Sir, I will agree to expose my perfect body for money.
Not you, skinny tits.
There's a million just like you.
I'm talking about her! - Me? - Her? - You blind, right? - Shut your face! My whole career I've been looking for an act so unconventional that it will shake up the industry.
I've got big plans.
I'm going to make you a star! Mm, I don't know, Mister.
It's Jorge.
Come on! I'll even hire these two freaks.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Yes! You'll be our new DJ, and you can mop up the peep booths.
- What? - Man.
I hate DJ-ing.
- You want to switch jobs? - Really? Hell, no! I love DJ-ing.
Have fun mopping up that semen.
Aw, you guys are working again.
Come on, put him down.
I've got a really important job for you.
Now, if one of you could rape the other one, this would be just like game of thrones.
And that is why Jesus could beat Gandhi in mixed martial arts.
Oh, Steve, you know so much about everything.
I hope to one day become a great ranger like you.
True, I am a great ranger, but I'm I, uh, let my friends down recently.
I'm sure you did everything you could.
You're a good man, Steve.
Oh, rock shit pony.
I love how you just get me.
Usually I hate foreigners, I'm gonna be honest, but you guys I hate way less.
This has been very much fun.
Unfortunately, we must get back to work.
Back to work at this hour? Come on! Mr.
Woody has advised me we do not get time off to sleep even.
- Well, don't listen to him.
- How do you don't listen? See, here in America, the only person you should take orders from are your friends, like me.
When your boss tells you to do something, it's just a suggestion.
The goal should be to do as little work as humanly possible.
Really? What else should we know about America? I cannot believe we are at a real American strip party.
I know.
I will now produce precipitation using this low-denominational currency.
So, mahogany man.
Are you ready to introduce the girls? Yeah.
I took it upon myself to do a little research.
Hey, y'all, it's your boy, Dirty D, the only DJ that tells it like it really is.
Up next to the stage is a hot young lady who was sexually abused by her special needs brother.
She blamed herself and picked up a nasty meth habit.
Please, show her some love and maybe she won't cry herself to sleep tonight.
Welcome Kandy to the main stage! There you are! Woody is pissed.
You guys should be at work! Hey, lard face, we are in America now.
This is how the game is played.
Yes, it's time to be lazy, wear the Levi, eat the french fry, and see the titty.
Oh.
Hey, Ethel.
What are you doing here? My new job, the official mayonnaise mopper thanks to you, Steve.
This'll look great on my resume.
It's not that bad of a gig.
Hey.
Ethel! I need you in the champagne room! It looks like a pinkberry exploded in there! Up next is Crystal.
She'll be shakin' that ass to buy baby formula.
She's on probation for stealin' Huggies and she lives in a 1980 Monte Carlo! The only thing lower than her hourly rates is her self-esteem.
So let's get rock hard for Crystal! All right, Ajay.
I got What in the hell is going on? You're not even allowed in here! We do the ping pong with the bear.
I thought I told you to drag that trash into the lake! We did not feel like it.
Didn't f you robots are dead meat! I am doubling your work! The work that you are doing now, your going to be doing twice as much of it! Doubling! You ever heard of that, ra? Mmm.
Mmm.
Whoa! What the hell are you doing, Steve? This is even weird for you.
Woody, I, uh Steve you cannot have sex with the robots! She needs to be working.
I don't want you to see her anymore.
- But, Sir - I'll handle this, Dottie.
Whatever you say, Woody.
I won't see her anymore.
What? What are you doing, Steve? Sorry, Dottie.
You heard what he said.
In love with a robot.
Steve, you stupid son of a bitch.
No wonder your friends don't respect you.
You don't even respect yourself.
Dottie.
Look, I'm sorry.
What! Who are you? Where's rock shit pony? Oh, Rakshapani's dead.
- What? - No, no, no, no, no.
Rakshapani was raped by a wizard.
- What? - I mean she quit.
Sorry.
All right, Denzel.
Connie's next.
Give our star a proper intro! Next up, guys, we have something I'm sure you've never seen before and never wanted to.
A plus-size lesbian, with abnormal enlargement of the clitoris.
Give me that! Are you ready for the most unique new talent you've ever seen, guys? Please welcome the world's newest stripping legend, Con-nie! Go! Yes! What the hell is that? Yes, they love you! Show them the 7-10 split! Oh! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Connie! Hey, hey! Wait a minute! Skinny tits, where the hell shit is Connie? She's missing practice.
- Uh, where do you think you're going? - I need to see Connie.
You got an appointment? Hey, you don't have an appointment.
Here's the peeled grapes you asked for.
Feed me.
All right, don't you think you're taking this diva stuff a little too far? It's not like you.
Jorge said you blew off practice again? I don't have time for that.
I'm a Goddess, not a plain girl like you.
I deserve star treatment.
- I can't believe - Feed me! We want Connie! We want Connie! Connie, what are you doing? It's time to go on.
Your fans await.
Even the Mayor is here with his Mayor hat.
I'll go on when I feel like it! What happen to you? You get too big for your britches! You don't practice, your cooch-hoop has become loose and undisciplined.
You get down on your knees and beg me.
Fak ju! I don't beg for anybody! Okay, I beg.
Come on, Connie, please.
Please, Connie, please.
Hit me! Hit me! Hey! That was just a joke.
Let her try again.
Yeah, so if I stretch real far If I stretch as far as I can, I can just touch the helmet with my tongue.
Uh, Steve.
I'm actually happy to see you.
Hey, Woody, can I talk to you for Yeah, thanks to outsourcing, Steve, Brickleberry's budget is back in the black.
Check it out.
Look at all the money we saved.
- How much did that bulletin board cost? - All the money we saved.
Look, Woody, I need some time off.
I'm flying to India to get back the love of my life.
Hold on.
Uh, Woody was just telling me how he tried to suck himself, and somehow you still win most pathetic.
They will be no time off, and that's final! Get to work! I understand.
No.
Ooh.
What did you say, Steve? I said no.
Not this time.
You're not gonna push me around.
I'm not backing down! - What? - Yeah.
I'm going to India to get rock shit pony back.
I love her and that's what I'm going to do, whether you like it or not.
Well then, Steve, you're Fired? Good.
You treat me like garbage.
You can run this place on your own.
I should've left when the others did.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to India! Rock shit pony? Steve? I'm sorry, guys.
I guess I should've practiced more.
I got lazy and let it all go to my head.
Ha, looks like you let some of it go to your ass, too! It's okay, Connie.
You.
You ruined me! That vagina could have been bigger than the Beatles! Too bad it's attached to an egomaniac! Get out! You're fired! Take the brown one and the walking stick with tits with you! Well, a compliment, finally! Hey! What the hell are you doing? We are just stealing from work.
That is what Americans do, yes? Yes Mohindernanthan.
We are entitled.
My bulletin board! That is it! You're all fired! I'm calling your company right now.
Outsourcing of India, how may I help you? What? I can't understand you! Let me speak to an Indian! Ah.
So sorry, but entire customer service department has been outsourced to south Korea.
Ugh! Goddamn it! All right, I stand corrected.
Those turban-ators were even worse than you.
Steve convinced me to give you your old jobs back.
At full pay, with better health benefits, and safer working conditions.
And I get a three hour work day.
- Fine! - Week.
- Fine! - Month.
- Whatever! Just get back to work.
- Ugh! You hired them back? What happened to my robots? Don't worry about them.
Some stupid ass will hire 'em.
I (Bleep) Love America!