Broad City (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

What? How am I getting shorter? Jeremy.
Hey, Ab.
Hey.
Locked out of my apartment.
You have a spare, right? No, I don't, I don't, I would totally remember if I had, um, one of your keys.
That's weird.
You'd be the person I'd pick if I gave someone a spare, so, I just assumed you had one.
I would be? I mean, I would take one.
If we want to go through that and that commitment, I would have it with me whenever.
Um While you're here, inside my apartment, maybe you could help me put up a shelf? I'd love to.
Let's do that then.
Blades of grass to look like something new It's this guy.
It won't stay on the wall.
Crazy.
Do you mind if I take off my shirt? Wow Um.
Sure.
Where'd you get all that oil from? Now I can put up that shelf.
You're so slippery.
Wow.
That was a hot dream.
My neighbor Abbi is so sexy and now I have this great big humongous boner.
Oh my God.
So intense.
Hey sleepyhead.
Someone had a sexy dream, huh? Shut up, Bevers.
Shut your stupid face.
Yeah, girl, get it! Ilana.
I'm so happy you're here.
I was thinking maybe we could masturbate next to each other.
Really? I'm always trying to get you to parallel play.
You're never into it.
It's because I want to so badly.
Oh my God.
What a way to start the day.
It's 5 p.
m.
Great Closing time.
Have a good night.
Four and three and two and one, one Hurricane Wanda has been upgraded to a Category Four storm.
It is due to hit New York in just a matter of hours.
The city Oh, thank God.
Hey, mama.
The lines were too long at the grocery store, - so we just went to the bodega.
- Okay.
Cool Come in.
We got you the batteries and duct tape, Sour Patch Kids, Nutter Butters, Mrs.
Fields cookies.
'Cause we all might die, so And they gave us potato salad half off.
Wow Great That's awesome.
So many awesome things happening here right now.
Like, for instance, Bevers is here.
- And he invited his sister to stay.
- Ew.
Here Right now.
So Yeah I just found out that she has an 11th toe.
Funny enough.
And she said that it's not where you would expect it to be.
- What do you mean? - I don't know.
'Sup, Marla Bevers.
Do I smell potato salad? Just kidding.
I know I smell potato salad.
I think it was a gift for the host of the party.
Isn't this so fun? It's like the gang's all here.
Yeah I was dying to see where my baby bro lives.
Well, it's not his apartment.
His girlfriend lives here, so Where is your girlfriend, dude? - Well, she went - Yeah, she went to her parents' house.
In Jersey.
To escape the storm.
They were supposed to go She asked him to go.
I don't know what's going on with that.
It's just too much presh.
Her parents are like, too into me.
They just think I'm really fun, but the fun's staying here! It's like camp right now! I have an idea Drinking game.
Yes! Yes! Mm.
- Yes! - Yes, I get the booze.
I think that's a great idea, Ilana.
Thank you for being here and bringing people.
I love you too, dude.
It's like a moment.
I feel like nobody else is here, you know? In case we all die, there is something that I must confess to you, Ilana.
Um Last summer, um, I switched our laptop chargers in the night during the night, like a sneaky thief.
And that's why yours never works.
And I see you try and you try and you try and it's because it's mine.
- Oh.
- It's never gonna work, Ilana.
I'm so sorry.
It's not a big deal at all.
Really? My God.
You are forgiveness.
You are.
Wow Whew.
Thank you everybody.
Namaste Gracias.
Okay I'll continue the game.
Um Never have I ever read a newspaper.
Really? Even homeless people read newspapers.
Um, I'll guess I'll go.
Never have I ever never have I ever, um, dealt with how my parents' divorce affected my overall, you know, being in relationships.
So.
Hey.
Yeah I mean, it's an intense subject.
Can I get a bite of that P-sal? No, I'm still working on it.
There's a lot of Bevers, calm down.
There's candles somewhere.
My goodness.
Relax Breathe.
Calm down, Bevers.
Boonce boonce boonce boonce Helicopter Boonce boonce boonce boonce Time for a Camp Miniwakaga favorite.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Come on, everybody try to lift me.
You can only use two fingers.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
- Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
- Hey.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Light as a feather You okay What's up? Just a lot of people here and I spite eat.
All of that potato salad.
You're poop thing? I wouldn't call it that.
You gotta get over it.
You have to let it out.
It is seriously dangerous.
There's too many people here.
I can't I won't do it.
You got two options here.
Either I'm going to go in with you and do ocean noises in your ear to relax you or I'll distract everybody out here.
It's up to you.
I think we should go with the second one.
Number two for number two.
Nice.
Get in there.
Stiff as a board.
You guys Bags! Throw 'em up in the air, huh? It's like "American Beauty.
" No, no, no.
Move these Okay.
All right, so what is this? Is the ball caught or something.
There's no water.
No.
Ilana.
Ilana.
Hey.
Just came by to see if anybody needed anything.
We're having a little blackout party.
- Come on in.
- Cool.
This is an a-ha moment.
This is an a-ha moment.
I can make this an a-ha moment weekend.
(bleep) What? Let me in.
It's just me.
Okay.
So it's bad.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
On the one night that Jeremy comes over to my apartment, I explode.
Like, I mean, this is the worst.
This is the best.
This is a sexy situation.
It's terrifying outside.
There's candles all lit.
And who's your competition? Marla Bevers? Abbi, I'm going to take care of this for you.
There's no way I am a doo doo ninja.
What does that even mean? You You do Do you grant me permission to use any means necessary to make this go away? Sure, fine.
Look me in the eyes and tell me I have your permission.
You have my permission.
- Any means necessary? - Any means necessary.
Great.
Awesome Now get out there, bounce some little titties for that hunky, quarter-Latino and whatever else he is.
- I dunno.
- Okay Thank you.
Hey.
Gimme.
Oh my God, thank you.
Okay.
Oh Lord.
Hold up.
Oh.
Yeah! Hey There you are.
Hey, Jeremy.
I was just, uh, in my bedroom 'cause a felf shell.
A felf shell.
A shelf fell.
Off the wall It was crazy.
You need some help? I'm pretty good with the felf shells.
No, no, no.
We should stay out here.
- We should definitely - Hey, guys.
We're putting together a talent show.
Don't have to figure out what your talent is, Ab.
Pretty sure it's not washing dishes.
She's always making me wash dishes! Such a jokester.
I love dishes and washing them.
It is gone.
The deed is done.
- Your sh - Iiit It looks like there's a talent show In the living room I think that we should go do that now I'll do anything if she sings it like that.
As these wind speeds increase, it is critical that you stay inside.
We've already seen reports of downed power lines and we're seeing heavy debris blowing from construction sites.
Wind gusts are going to go a lot higher before this is over.
Hello, my name is Flo.
Everyone say, "Hello, Flo.
" Hello, Flo.
I can do lots of dances.
I can do the running man.
- I can do the Roger Rabbit.
- It looks real.
I went into the park and I did some jumping jacks.
One, two, three, four.
We are the boys of Danny's bunk eight We like to eat Skittles and master the bait Ting of hooks and archery too We're Counselor Danny's bunk now who are you I'm Matthew Bevers I'm from Terre Haute I like being on land I get sick on a boat We're Danny's boys and we love to rap Not just with our mouths but with our mushroom caps No, no! No, no, no, the schlong song part is the best part of the rap, I swear to God.
I'll go next.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all right You can show it to me later.
My talent is I will leg wrestle anyone in here.
You Cheekbones.
Let's do this.
Down on your butt.
Here we go.
Yeah, lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Oh! I got a boot in my cootch and I do not care! What? What are you doing? You are wasting edge of death time.
- Make a move.
- What do you what me to do? My talent can't be to like, wash his body.
You mean like, wash his body after sex, right? - I want to make sure you're optimizing your fantasies.
- All right, it's the first thing I thought of.
I know what we will do.
I know what we will do.
You say, "Let's play Truth or Dare.
" You pick me, I say, "Dare" and then Got it, got it, got it, got it.
Say no more.
Okay, cool.
- 10, yes! - Whoo! Champion! Don't feel bad.
I'm on speed.
Yeah.
Okay, you guys.
Truth or Dare.
No, come on.
We have to finish the talent show.
No, we don't.
Um, hmm Who should I who wants to Abbi.
Truth or dare? Truth or dare? Truth or dare? You know what, I'm gonna go with dare.
Okay.
I dare you to suck Jeremy's (bleep).
Um, that's a wrap on Truth or Dare.
Oh my God.
Oh, this is an amazing use of space.
See, this is next level feng shui.
That pasty ass.
He lives here for free.
Whoa.
That's Abbi's roommate? Yeah.
She is so hot, it's bizarre.
Look at her body So tight.
Next to him, it's just like, "You suck, dude.
" Fully stocked mini fridge.
Should I put my Lincoln Log on one of these cans? That is so sweet.
Abbi would love it.
Guys, there's something that I want to get off my chest.
In case, you know, we die today.
It's okay.
I once ate a corn on the cob including the cob.
I can't really I don't see anything wrong with that.
It's okay.
I'm sure it's good for you in some ways.
- Yeah.
- I mean, it's roughage, right? I do it every time.
I'm sorry, do you guys smell something? No.
Smell a little like dookie, no? Can you grab me some more wine just to top it off? - It's getting flat.
- Sure.
Jaime, it's you.
You smell terrible.
I smelled it all night.
I'm sorry.
I think you stepped in something.
I'm so sorry.
I think that we can all agree that there's no smell.
It's the storm, I think.
Yep.
Sweet dreams on my ass, Bevers! Yes Got it! W-w-wait, wait, wait.
Ew.
It's tea time, bitch.
Oh, governor! I have a hole in my weenus! Have you been to Africa? - No.
- Oh, you gotta go.
I would love to go.
Yeah, I learned to cook meat just out in the wilderness.
Yeah, you, you cook a lot, right? Every time I'm outside your door, it smells so good.
- It smells like garlic or - You're smelling my apartment? Walking to places that I go.
I go to a lot of spots.
To answer your question, I love to cook.
Me too.
I think cooking is just a wonderful thing.
It's like, spices all over stuff and mixed in.
What do you like to make? Egg, mostly.
What the hell! Who (bleep) in my shoe? Mother(bleep)! So which one of you maggots did it? Okay, um, I'm going to go.
I live right next door, so No one's going anywhere until I find out who took a (bleep) in my Shapely! Was it you, Dimples? No, no.
I'm on a low-fiber diet.
I go like, twice a week, tops.
I promise.
You know, it could have been anyone, actually, 'cause in hurricanes, people are coming and going and there's a lot of stuff happening.
Matty, come on, huh? Camp was rough.
Tonight brought up a lot of bad memories.
You took a dump in my size 11s.
Just say so.
No, it wasn't me.
It wasn't me at camp either.
Camp was the best.
I had the best time.
Danny was the coolest counselor ever.
Only me and Greg Shapiro could blow ourselves.
I was always the fastest at it.
Always! What? No.
No Oh.
No, no, you got it wrong.
It wasn't like that! I would blow myself and Greg would blow himself separate, across the room.
There's a video of it! There's a Are you the secret dumper, brown eyes? Oh my God.
Marla, I know It was Brody.
Come on, Brody! Come on out here, boy.
Come on out! Brody's my dog.
And that explains it.
Sorry, guys.
Oh, I feel like a crazy methhead right now.
It's okay It's fine, it's fine.
Except for one thing! If you had a dog, I'd be dead because I'm allergic, bitch! So Abbi, why'd you (bleep) in my Shapelys? And tell it to the toe! Fine! God, it was me! I didn't (bleep) in your Shapely though.
I wouldn't do that.
I (bleep) in the toilet, but there's no water and I couldn't flush it.
Ilana said that she would take care of it.
I did not think that that meant she would put it in your shoe.
God.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, uh, this was so fun.
I'm gonna go.
Glad I kept my shoes on.
I will see you when I see you.
I feel like I can explain it better.
In the hall.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Ilana.
Crazy things happening right now.
When you said you were a ninja, I didn't know that that meant you were just gonna put it in a shoe.
What? I didn't put it in a shoe.
There's (bleep) in this shoe, is there not? Thank you so much for covering for me.
You're the best.
You (bleep) in your sister's Shapely.
Just trying to say thank you.
I'm really glad that Jeremy thinks it was you and not me, 'cause I think I might be developing a man crush on him.
He's pretty cool.
Let me take that.
You don't have to worry about this again.
I get it.
Jeremy has amazing teeth.
Yeah Jeremy's pretty amazing.
Do you mind if I talk to Lincoln for a second? Sure.
Hi, Lincoln, um, before we die, which might be tonight, there is something that I have to say to you and it's very hard for me to say.
Listen, we've known each other for a while, so you can say anything to me.
What's up? Okay, Jaime say it, okay? Um When I was a little boy, I had a pet turtle.
His name was Franklin.
Privately, though, his name was the N-word.
I would say, "Come here, (bleep).
I love you, (bleep).
" I'm so sorry.
Get out there and bounce them little titties for that hunky, quarter-Latino.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Gimme.
Oh my God, thank you.
Hold up! Oh! Yeah! We're just putting together a talent show.
Do it again It's all in good fun.
It is gone.
The deed is done.
- Your sh - Iiit It looks like there's a talent show In the living room I think that we should go do that now Ooh.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah.
Oh.