Brockmire (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Previously on Brockmire.
Do you love being a dad? Mostly, I hate wearing condoms.
Why wear a saddle when you like to feel the horse? Because some horses they have Gonorrhea.
Pre-gaming this abortion, darling it was the best idea that you ever had.
You snorted my abortion.
And Howard Cosell I swear this is true without missing a beat, drops his pants, points to his pubes and says, "Tug away, my friend.
" [Laughter.]
And And my God, the bush that that man had.
- [Audience jeers.]
- No, no, no.
It looked like he was tryin' to smuggle one of the Jackson 5 down there between his legs.
I-I think it was Tito.
- [Laughter.]
- [Chuckles.]
But that heart-warming tale is what is so special about Mack & McGraw, isn't it? I mean, for one night a year, we get to walk amongst baseball legends.
But enough about the past.
Let's focus on gettin' drunk in the present, shall we? - [Laughter.]
- [Chuckles.]
So, quick announcement seriously.
Guys, no pissin' in the corners this year.
- [Laughter.]
- I'm serious.
No, if you can't make it to the bathroom, please wear a diaper.
[Laughter.]
I am lookin' at you, Brent Musburger.
[Laughter.]
[Both laugh.]
Hey, fellas.
Can I get a second with him, please? Get up.
Hey, you don't have to go just 'cause he says so.
Hi, Joe Buck.
Listen, did you lie to Robbie Butler and tell him that I wear non-prescription glasses to seem smart? I Joe Buck, it's nothing personal, all right? I just happen to hate your stupid face.
You were a groomsman at my wedding.
Look, Joe.
It's not just that you became the biggest broadcaster in America.
Actually, yes, it is.
That's it.
Jesus, Jim.
How was I supposed to know I was gonna plateau at age 24? Oh, come on.
I guess, what? Like, your grass probably isn't as green as I imagine, though, right? No, life's pretty fantastic.
And it's weird.
I'm so famous right now that I pretty much just think about something, and it appears.
Who was that? Who was what? Great.
Thanks for comin' by.
Mission accomplished.
I feel stupid and weak and vulnerable.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Look in my eyes.
Now that I know what's wrong, I think I can fix it.
How you gonna do that? I don't want to oversell this, okay? But let's just say that by the time you get back to your hotel room tonight [whispering.]
you may have a big surprise waiting for you.
[Slaps Jim's leg.]
[Sniffs.]
Ooh.
[Sniffs.]
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck! Joe Buck! Ohh, fuck his ass.
Joe Buck didn't shit in your bed.
That was Musburger.
Musbur get outta here.
Musburger.
It was payback for that diaper joke.
He always brags about it.
Says it was the shit of his life.
You know, that's actually pretty funny comin' from Musburger.
What the hell was the big surprise that Joe Buck was talkin' about, then? His producer was supposed to call and offer you the chance to fill in on the number-one broadcast crew when Buck left for football.
Your phone didn't ring? I don't know.
I ran the hell out of there to go kill Joe Buck! So, your life would have been completely different had Musburger just had a smaller dinner.
All right, look, Joe Buck asked me to come out here to invite you to join him for this year's Mack & McGraw.
And I think you should do it.
Well, Robbie, I'll think about it.
And I do want to thank you for comin'.
And you know, I want you to know I think I learned a lot about gender and sexuality - over the years.
- [Scoffs.]
No, I have.
And I I think I'm a lot more sensitive to what you were going through back then.
What are you doin'? I'm just tryin' to connect with you, is all.
- Hey, Jim.
- Just stop.
- Let go of his hand.
- Come on.
He doesn't really want to hold hands.
- No, it's all right.
- Get away from me.
Jim, he doesn't want to hold hands! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm glad you're doin' better.
All right, but you did sucker punch me.
Mouth or stomach? Well, I make a living with this mouth.
Yeah Ohh! - [Groans.]
- [Pats Jim's back.]
Hope to see you in Chicago, Jim.
[Strained voice.]
You're a good man, Robbie Butler.
- [Groans.]
- [Door opens, closes.]
You you guys have a pretty complicated friendship.
[Wheezes.]
Come on, it's the perfect time to take a vacation.
Team's on a road trip.
I'm almost paid off on my loan.
We have money for travel and booze.
Drinks are free at Mack & McGraw, but I do not want to go.
When you were suicidal, the only thing that convinced you to live was my promise of free booze.
You said that if hell had an open bar, you'd shake - Satan's hand.
- Satan's hand, I know.
Yeah, so what is going on? What's goin' on is I'm ashamed, all right? This is gonna be like my high-school reunion.
Only instead of getting fat and bald, I ended up here.
What is so wrong with this place? Please don't look at Dale right now.
Just don't no.
Don't! This stain's old.
You can go ahead and serve me.
Look, I'm ashamed of what I have become, all right? I used to be one of the greats.
I was a pillar of Midwestern American values, and now I'm I'm some kind of clown that gets drunk on the Internet.
Look at me.
I'm with you every day.
You have nothing to be ashamed of other than your toenail situation, which we've discussed.
- I-I don't know what that is.
- It's fungus.
- Yeah, but is it, though? - Yes, yeah.
If you're not gonna do it for you, do it for us.
It'll be our first vacation together.
We just got back from Pittsburgh.
Going to Pittsburgh to get an abortion doesn't count.
[Sighs.]
All right, that's a fair point.
All right, what the hell? Let's go to Chicago.
But just so we can have the kind of sex that is only possible when somebody else cleans the sheets.
It is the best kind.
Oh, it is.
Here are the stadium keys.
[Keys jingle.]
Your only job literally, the only thing you have to do is make sure it doesn't burn down.
Okay.
You know, this means a lot to me.
Not a lot of people will put this much power in the hands of a teenager.
Yeah, well, don't pull a muscle givin' yourself a pat on the back or anything.
She just doesn't think you have enough friends to throw a party.
Well, maybe the old Charles.
But you're looking at the producer of a top-10 podcast on iTunes Charles.
This is the Charles who spent the past four months locked in a room with that egomaniac just soaking up confidence like a sponge.
I'm not going to throw a party, but if I did, it would be lit.
[Clears throat.]
I believe you.
You should.
No, she doesn't.
- [Sighs.]
- [Keys jingle.]
[Microphone feedback.]
Ladies and gentlemen Titties.
Titties and titties.
Titties plus titties equals titties.
[Elevator dings.]
[Sighing rapidly.]
All right, wait, just one second.
[Exhales sharply.]
I've never seen you so nervous.
[Sighs.]
I you know.
What if these guys don't like who I am now or somethin'? Or even worse what if they just don't give a shit that I'm even here? If anyone is mean to you, I will grab a sharp object and and stab them till they stop.
[Chuckles.]
Well, that sounds like a good plan.
[Sniffs.]
[Whispering.]
You're gonna be great.
All right, ready? Ready.
[Giggles.]
Don't really stab anybody.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversation.]
- Oh.
- Hey! [Cheers and applause.]
- [Chuckling.]
- Hey.
Brian Kenny, get outta here! Good to see you.
Jim, great to see you.
You too.
I don't know who you are, but it's great to see you.
We've met five times, but it's okay.
Robbie Butler, give me a break.
- Good to see you.
All right.
- Jim.
Tim Kurkjian, how are you? - Good to see you.
- You good? Joe Buck: Hey! Man: [In a hushed voice.]
It's Joe Buck.
What took you so long? Uh, sorry, I got held up finger-blasting your mom.
My mom's dead.
Well, no wonder it took her so long to finish.
[Chuckles.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Yells.]
Come here, you old buckeye.
You smell like shit! [Applause and chattering.]
I love you, though.
Jim: I missed this guy.
I missed all of ya.
[Slow footsteps approach.]
Oh, my! You and Jerry Reinsdorf are gonna be neck and neck for the title of most attractive owner.
[Laughs.]
Okay, what time's dinner? Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh.
It's a tradition that women aren't allowed into this event until after dinner.
What? These guys' wives, they don't eat? There are no wives at Mack & McGraw.
Back in the day, we called after dinner Whores' Hour.
What do you call it now? Whores' Hour.
But we just we we tend to whisper that now.
I was real excited to talk baseball with Brian Kenny.
I tried to last night, but Charlie Steiner cornered me and kept showing me pictures of his three pugs.
Jesus, really? Anyway, how's this for a compromise, all right? Don't do me any favors.
You meet me after dinner at Mack & McGraw, and in the meantime, you can use this ticket to today's Cubs game - What?! - Yep.
No, you didn't! - [Chuckles.]
- Are you for real? [Chuckles.]
I've never been to Wrigley! I'm aware of that.
Holy shit.
Thank you, Jim.
You are welcome.
When you used to come to Chicago by yourself back in the day, did you partake in Whores' Hour? No, I did not.
Come on.
Jules, at the time of my divorce, Lucy was the only woman that I had ever slept with.
Dear God! [Laughs.]
Are you biggest cuckold of all time? I think without a doubt I am.
You know, there's a whole subgenre of porn devoted to this.
You know that, right? Guys dress up as me and then watch other men plow their wives.
Yeah, Cuckmire, I've seen it.
Cuckmire.
I wasn't aware it was called Cuckmire.
That's fine.
You know, for the longest time, I just I really hated who I became.
I did.
But now for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can maybe change back into who I was.
And that is thanks to you.
Wow.
I can't believe your Tinder bio was real.
You actually own a minor-league baseball team? Yeah.
You know, this is just one of my many investments at the moment.
How's your beer, by the way? Uh, warm and tastes kind of funny.
[Chuckles.]
Mm, yeah, I couldn't find any cups, so I just rinsed out a few ranch containers.
I see that.
So, are you, uh you from around here? Oh, no, I'm from Ohio.
I'm with the theater camp just right down the road.
Mm, yeah.
That makes sense 'cause normally everybody here already knows who I am.
- 'Cause, um, you know Drake? - Yeah.
I'm pretty much what Drake is to Toronto but to Morristown.
Wow.
Hey, cheers.
[Chuckles.]
[Jugs thud.]
[Laughter, indistinct talking.]
I got one.
So, a few years ago, I'm doing the World Series.
I'm worn out, middle of the night, phone rings, and on the other end I hear slapping.
And this drunken, absurd voice comes on and goes, [slurred voice.]
"That's the way my balls sound.
" - [Laughter.]
- Tell me that wad'n't you.
Seriously, I have no recollection, but, you know, I have a very serious drinkin' problem.
- Hey! - [Laughter.]
Not kiddin', actually, but cheers anyway.
Yeah, these things have really gone downhill since you left.
Three years ago, Joe hosted.
He workshopped his one-man show.
Listen to me "Echoes of My Father" was a Time Out New York "Thing To Do," so I resent any, uh, implication that a good time was not had by all.
Is your new show called "The Puffed-Up Twat"? [Laughter.]
Can you just go away again? I please, I can't wait to see what y'all have on tap for this year.
Oh, we got a fantastic video tribute for you.
- Oh! - Jesus, Jonah, that was a surprise.
Wait, what? How was I supposed to know? Really, a video tribute? Really? - Yeah.
- Guys, I'm touched.
I am touched, but I do reserve the right to respond with a few words of my own.
Well, as long as you don't bust out a version of "Papa Can You Hear Me?" It was emotional, and it made Kurkjian cry.
Right or wrong? Uh, hey, I found his sincerity compelling.
Plus, I love lentil.
[Laughter.]
You mean "Yentl.
" What's in this thing? Oh, I love all beans.
Here's to beans! Beans! And Streisand.
- Lentil! - To Barbra Streisand.
[Gasps.]
Yeah, I like a really relaxed work environment.
It's beautiful.
[Chuckles.]
Can I refill your beer? Can I have extra ranch dressing in mine this time? Of course you can.
[Chuckles.]
Because their investing in contact throughout the lineup is so shrewd.
In the high-velo era, the ability just to not strike out is in itself an undervalued asset.
Wow.
I have to say, I've enjoyed talking baseball with you more than any other escort who's ever come up to me at these things.
But I'm a married man.
Have a good night.
[Stifles laugh.]
[Slams clutch.]
Uh-oh.
What? What's the matter? Well, for one thing, Brian Kenny think I'm a prostitute.
The Frackers lost at Slippery Rock.
Cubs game was rained out, and there's a whore wearing the exact same dress I'm wearing.
Shh.
Darlin', shh, shh, shh! We say "sex worker" now.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm just workin' on my speech.
I usually go off the cuff, but I like to have a few bullets loaded into the chamber.
I got jokes on how many times Olbermann's been fired.
- Mm-hmm.
- A lot.
How Rich Eisen went bald at 23.
Mm-hmm.
And how Chris Berman's neck is slowly but surely swallowing his entire face.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, then for my closer, I'm gonna pull out my dick, put it on Brent Musburger's face, and say, "Oh, looks like somebody can finally grow a mustache.
" [Laughs.]
I don't get it.
Well, look, everybody here knows that Musburger can't grow facial hair, see.
Plus, you know, my dick will be on his face.
How much have you had to drink? Well, it's free, so I don't know all of it? - [Microphone feedback.]
- I Man: Please take your seats.
The show is about to begin.
Come on, darlin'.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Joe! Our friend Jim Brockmire has been resurrected.
And as with Lazarus of Bethany, there really is only one response to this incredible journey.
Jesus wept.
[Laughter.]
I now present our tribute film, "Jim Brockmire: Legend of the Booth.
" - [Theme music plays.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! My first memory of Jim Brockmire was just being completely jealous that he got to be the youngest play-by-play man in baseball history.
Dan Patrick: From the start there was something delightfully off about Jim.
We would listen to the feed of the game at ESPN, look at each other and go, "What the fuck did he just say?" Jim: Am I a cartoon cat who got hit on the head with a soup can? Because I am seeing double double play! And that'll end the inning.
And like a newly divorced dad's dinner, Clark is frozen.
Strike three, lookin'.
Eisen: Those Reds games were insane.
Whenever Kansas City would go to Cincinnati, Marty Brennaman would usually bring in some top-shelf bourbon.
And Jim would get into it during the game.
Oh, man, I'm loose.
It's like there's an electric blanket coursing through my veins.
[Laughter.]
Uh, welcome back, folks.
You snuck up on me there.
[Chuckles.]
Sorry about that, Kansas City.
Well, eventually, he'd get buzzed enough that he'd start to bring out "The Godfather" references.
Beltran makes a diving stab.
And oh! Look how they massacred my boy! Top of the third now Oh, my God.
What's the matter? I've always been like this.
your daughter would be suffering this very day.
I just I want to apologize.
This was, um, my first time really, like, touching a vagina.
Yeah, I figured that pretty early on.
Cool.
Any tips? Maybe don't pound a cervix like a medieval army trying to break through a castle door.
Thank you.
- If you let me back in, I think - No.
Okay.
What if, maybe, you would want to try something on me? But please don't feel pressure to if you don't want to, but, like [Sighs.]
Dan Patrick: Jim was never subtle about how little he gave a fuck.
One time in Kansas City, they actually held up the start of an inning for him.
I'm so sorry.
I had about 40 ounces of iced tea brewing down there.
Play ball! Play ball.
Joe Buck: Jim, you are absolutely one-of-a-kind.
And I'm sure you're gonna be givin' us all great stories for years to come.
Probably even some tonight.
[Epic theme music climaxes.]
[Applause.]
All right, let's hear from the man himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Brockmire.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Whoo! Whoo! [Applause continues.]
[Audience member chanting "Speech! Speech!.]
- We love you, Jim! - Thank you.
[Applause continues.]
That's obvious, really.
If I do say so myself, from that tribute and from the whole weekend.
[Applause.]
[Applause ends.]
Well it just seems like a lot of you kind of love me when I'm at my most reckless, which is, uh I mean, I get it.
Believe me.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, it's understandable and everything.
It's just, um Well It just doesn't feel that much different from the folks that like to laugh at me on the Internet is all.
[Speaking in hushed voice.]
Joe Buck's one-man show is looking better and better.
I think I'd be more relaxed if I didn't see your face.
Okay, that makes sense.
And if I sang.
Okay.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now am found Was blind but now I see Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me Jim: I don't know you know, maybe watching this thing just made me realize that everybody gets to decide the kind of man that they want to be.
And maybe true change really is possible if we just have the will and the self-control to be better.
And I think I have that now.
And if we need proof of that, well, all we need to do is look at Mr.
Brent Musburger over here.
Because now he has a mustache! There it is! Come on! [Laughter.]
Come on, Brent.
Come on, Brent! [Cheers and applause.]
Musburger! Yeah, man! He's back, baby! The king is back! [Line ringing.]
What's the matter? Um, the the field is on fire.
What?! A very friendly stranger came by, and he set fire to the outfield.
Are you kidding?! [Audience chanting "Jimmy! Jimmy!" .]
Jim! Jim! [Audience chanting "Brockmire! Brockmire!" .]
Hello? - H - [Fire truck horn blows, siren wails.]
Do you think we'll keep in touch? [Wailing continues.]