Cake (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Ahh, ahh, ahh.
Mmm, ahh, oh, oh, oh oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ahh, ooh, ooh, ow, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ooh.
Ah.
Ahhhh.
(receipt printing) (upbeat ethereal music) (light guitar music) Whoa, chocolate with walnuts.
Is that--oh, my God.
That's sea salt.
Yeah.
I'm gonna--I-- Am I just eating something just to eat? (sighs) I wonder how many calories-- no, I ate an hour ago.
(sighs) Forget it.
Well, maybe there's something else I could get that's, like, less (sighs) like, a lot less no, if I'm not here to get this thing I want, then why would I get, like, some other thing? So I feel all sorry for myself.
Fuck.
Whatever.
If I can't have it, I won't have anything.
I deserve to get something.
Okay, it's like, "What the fuck am I"-- okay.
who the fuck cares if I gain weight? I don't care.
I could post a picture of it.
Then I'm kind of killing two birds with one--no.
Why would I do that? (scoffs) Why can't I fucking indulge once in a while? I am on this Earth to live.
It's not just, like, self-discipline, Western fucking culture getting in the way of everything.
It'suh, eh, yeah.
It's amazing I was even born, that I'm on this planet right now in this moment.
It is a fucking miracle.
It's Saturday.
Um, hi.
Excuse me.
How much is this cookie right here? - It's $6.
- Oh, it--okay, thank you.
Oh, excuse me $6 for a cookie.
Who the hell would pay $6 for a cookie? Hi.
Can I get a large cappuccino to go, please? (hip-hop music) It's New Year's Eve, baby! And a new Jerome is about to drop right now! Tonight is the night! No more lies, no more big romantic speeches.
No more fuck ups.
No more online dating.
No more stupid self-help bullshit.
- Bye-bye, bullshit.
- Bye-bye.
Tonight I'm just Jerome.
No, I'm better than Jerome.
I'm the new Jerome.
- Jerome reloaded.
- Exactly.
Yeah, I'm gonna be confident, smooth, funny, emotional, but not too emotional.
- The perfect balance.
- Yeah, you know, a man with strong boundaries but a compassionate immigration policy.
No more tricks, no more schemes.
Just me, Jerome Nicholas Nolte.
Cool.
So what's the plan? Well, first I'll meet a girl--no, a woman.
- Upgrade.
- Yeah.
I'll just be myself.
I'll be real.
I'll be open.
Open that shit up.
Yeah and then I'll take her in my arms when the clock's about to strike midnight and give her the first in a long, beautiful lifetime of consensual kisses.
Now, this is the beginning, my friend.
And don't believe for a second-- Dude, it's 11:57.
- What? (upbeat electronic music) Oh.
Hi.
- Holler at you later.
- 'Sup, boy.
How you doin'? Oh, hi.
Hey.
Cheers.
Cheers, baby.
Yeah, get in here.
Come on.
That's it.
All right, 2019, here we come.
One minute left.
- I--I need more time.
I need more time.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's not waste no time tonight Let's get things lit, do it right Let's not waste no time tonight Hey, hey, hey, fuck this guy.
Oh, I'm so--I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
(dramatic music) - 30 seconds.
Are you ready? (cheers) Bro, come on.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
(sobbing) (cheers) (sobbing) Oh, Jerome, no.
(ethereal music) (spacey music) (squeaks) (gasping) (alarm blaring) Ahh! (humming) (spacey electronic music) So I was at the poetry club, but after I-- I read my poem, everybody just laughed at me, you know? The worst thing of all, Grace was there.
Oh.
I mean, that was just so devastating.
So I just started crying there.
in front of everyone I just, like-- You've got to stop--stop taking so much from people.
It's just not--this is why we're at the bottom of the food chain.
We've got to start being more like Todd.
- What? - Todd Vicious.
Look, look.
Todd Vicious.
That's Todd Vicious.
- Holy shit.
- He doesn't-- he doesn't go to poetry club and cry over Grace.
- I guess not.
- He just eat-- he just swarms around eating everything.
You wanna hear my poem that I wrote? Yeah, go on then.
Grace, in my heart, you have a place, a place called the club.
Holler if you know what's up dog Yeah you better get down on the dance floor Yeah shake that booty baby uh Shake that booty baby girl Oh yeah So it had--like, it's kind of like an R&B influence there in the end of the poem.
- Yeah, you're gonna die alone.
- (laughs) (ethereal music) (hip-hop music) Oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't--sorry.
- Oh.
- So sorry.
I didn't--sorry.
Nah she doesn't need you Don't I, uh-- don't I know you? Paige? I'm sorry.
I've forgotten your name.
Your memory's better than mine.
No, um, Jerome.
I--I--I went on a date with you a few months ago.
Oh.
You're that guy.
My name and I'm never switching lanes Yup.
You look different.
Oh, no.
Well, yeah.
I was just trying something new.
I didn't mean--yeah, I--I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Ohh.
What--what are you apologizing for? I don't know.
Do you--do you wanna talk about it? I don't know.
I just get attached way too easily, way too easily, and then I scare people away.
I scare people away, and then I--I get clingy.
I get jealous.
And I don't--like, do you wanna hear something really stupid? - Always.
- Okay.
So I was gonna come into this party and pretend to be somebody totally different.
I--I do this sort of thing all the time.
I try to pump myself up, and I try to pretend like I'm confident, like I'm smooth, like I'm tough, and-- - Ah, hence our date, Mr.
Terminator.
- Yeah.
- (laughs) No.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm trying my best.
I feel like I'm trying a million different things, and it's not working at all.
It never works, and I don't--I don't-- I don't know what to do.
You're sensitive.
Over-sensitive.
Well, it's better than the opposite.
Oh, yeah.
How do you mean? Okay, so you scare people away.
I push 'em away.
Uh-uh.
And I work all the time.
I mean, I've had relationships end, because I've literally forgotten I was in them.
- Really? - (laughs) Want to kiss on your body I wasn't kissing anyone at midnight either, you know? I was actually in the room over there just having a little moment to myself.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
I hate that part about New Year's.
You get all sweaty and nervous, and you end up snogging some stranger whose name you'll never remember.
Gross.
- I guess it is kind of gross.
I never thought of it like that.
That's a really astute observation.
Thank you.
Every card I'm shufflin'.
Okay, but--all right, no.
Okay, you're gonna pick a card, any card.
All right, ready? This is a very important magic trick.
Okay.
Ready? Go ahead.
All right.
Not you.
Your friend.
I don't care about you.
Okay.
All right.
Cool.
Pick one.
All right, ready? Go ahead.
Pick.
No.
Not you.
The cute one.
Go ahead.
No.
I said "the cute one.
" No.
I'm just kidding.
Go ahead and pick.
Okay, great.
And don't let me see.
Every time I say I want you want you - Do you need me to put the card back in the deck or something? Umno.
What I need is that.
Hey.
Where are you going? I was just one neg away from fucking you.
(laughing) With the cool group.
- He did not.
- Yes, he did.
It was disgusting.
But I mean, at least we got a verdict, so Oh, God.
Well, hey, I'm really glad I have a new lawyer friend now in case I ever get arrested.
Why? Are there some nefarious activities I should know about? - Ah, well, there's a very good chance I could drown everyone at this party with my own tears.
If they can't prove intent, you're out in 18 months, mate.
Okay, the way we designed it is, you snooze once, that's fine.
You snooze again, it sends one random photo to one random contact in your library.
Yeah, and then you snooze again, it sends two random photos to two random contacts, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and so on and so on.
Ooh, boy, that's dangerous.
Yeah, kind of.
Yeah, we're thinking about calling it, uh, "Wake Mail.
" You know, kind of like "blackmail" but "Wake Mail.
" That's a shit name, but the app itself is a good idea.
Hey.
Thanks.
Yeah, it's still in beta.
But I think we're, uh-- - Just hold on a second.
- What are you doing? - Hold on.
- Look, if there's some I have set your phone to Central Time.
Okay.
It's almost midnight in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Oh.
Okay.
Um.
- Ten.
Nine.
- I don't get it.
Do you have family in Tulsa, Oklahoma? - Eight.
Seven.
- Why are you counting? Are you trying to hypnotize me? - Six.
Five.
I should let you know I don't do very well with that, so maybe I should call someone.
Three.
Two.
She can be whatever she wants (gasp) (funky music) (siren wailing) (loud thump) Ambu-ambulance Ambulance (sirens wailing) (ethereal music) (ethereal music) (camera shutter clicks) (birds chirping) Did you see that little coffee shop over there? Yeah, I did.
It was adorable.
- Hi.
- Really cute.
- Oh, hi, there.
- Hi.
- I'm Alice.
- Alice, nice to meet you.
- Ian.
- Hi.
Christina.
Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.
Oh, my gosh.
No problem at all.
Uh, did you guys get a chance to check out the neighborhood? Oh, yeah, no, it's funky, and I like it.
- Yeah.
- Very eclectic.
It has a lot of character, and it's in a great school district.
- Oh, nice.
- Oh, wonderful.
Did I see a little dog park over there? Yeah, there is a little dog park.
Oh, adorable.
Well, why don't I show you into the unit? Yeah.
Let's go.
I think you're gonna love it; it's very special.
- Oh, my God.
- Ooh.
Look at these hardwood floors.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yes, you know, these are the original hardwood floors, and we found them underneath carpet.
- No, you didn't.
- Ew.
Yes, we did.
It happens all the time.
Who does that? It's so tacky.
It's not my thing.
This is the sunroom.
- Ooh.
- Ohh.
But you could use it as an office or a playroom.
Sort of a Ooh, a playroom.
- Playroom.
- (laughs) Are you guys expecting? - No, we're trying.
- Trying to expect.
We're planning.
Planning on planning.
Wonderful.
I love that.
Okay.
Did I mention it is a 2 1/2 bath? Oh.
That's, like, pretty much three bathrooms.
No, it's not a problem.
All right, moving right along.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Holy cow.
Wow.
The light in here is amazing.
- I know.
- This is unbelievable.
It gets beautiful natural light.
Oh, my--and this is westward-facing? Yeah, it's west-facing.
You can see that.
I love a sunset.
Good eye, and this is all new stainless steel appliances.
Oh, my gosh, brand-new.
Listen, I'll take original hardwood floors but not original Appliances.
(laughter) No, thank you.
Why don't I show you the master bedroom? You're really gonna love it.
Oh, wonderful.
Sir.
Sir.
Sir.
Sir, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, okay? This is an active crime scene.
I need you to stay here.
(camera shutter clicks) (laughter) I know.
I need a good bathtub as well - I know.
- It's very important.
It's, like, bigger from the inside - than it is from the outside.
- I know.
The place just keeps going and going and going.
It's surprisingly spacious, and it's all in the details, you know? Like that half-moon window.
Oh, gorgeous.
Kind of checks all of our boxes.
Yes, this is everything we are looking for.
Great.
It feels like, uh, like a home.
It could be a home.
Well, you know what? No rush.
No pressure.
Take a few nights to sleep on it.
- Just, like, one--just, like, one or two nights.
- Yeah.
- We want it.
Do you have my contact information? - We want it.
- Yeah, you know what? In case you forgot, here's another card.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
It was so lovely to meet you.
It was so lovely meeting you.
- Alice, it was a pleasure.
- Yeah, nice to meet.
- Thank you so much.
- And you know what? There is a really great coffee shop right down the street.
We saw that.
We saw that.
We're gonna check it out.
- Try it out.
- Wonderful.
- Thanks, Alice.
- All right, well, - have a great day.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Take care.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
It's so cute.
(camera shutter clicks) Thanks, guys.
That was great.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Great.
- Nice work.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna get coffee.
- See ya, Bill.
- Good night.
- Take care.
- See you at home.
- See you at home.
(ethereal music) (gloomy music) Tree secrets.
I sing in the shower.
I do it every day.
(laughs) I feel like I sound pretty good.
I get a little funky in there, let it loose, let it rip a little bit, and then I zip it up, not singing for me the rest of the day.
(ethereal music) (ethereal music) (cables stretching) (hip-hop music) Jerome.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Am I dead? Are you okay? What happened? I, uh, I kissed you.
That's what happened.
Wait.
Why? What do you mean, "Why?" Oh.
I told you everything that was wrong with me.
Why would you wanna kiss me? What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with you, Jerome.
- There isn't? Well, nothing major.
I'd kiss you again, but I don't want to cause any more head trauma.
Do you want to dance? Yeah.
(upbeat electronic music) (vocalizing) (vocalizing) 2020, bitches! Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Happy New Year! - Whoo! - Happy New Year! Yeah! Whoo! Happy New Year.
I love you, Jerome.
I love you too.
I got you a gift.
You did? - Of course.
- Hey.
It's our one-year anniversary.
Hey.
Yo.
Thank you.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
It's the state of Oklahoma, and the heart is Tulsa.
Where we had our first kiss.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, thank you.
You know, it's actually perfect, because I needed a new key chain anyway.
Well, it's not for your keys.
It's for our keys.
Our keys? I'm saying that I'm ready.
Do you wanna move in together? Iabsolutely do not want to move in with you.
- What? - What? - I'm sorry.
- I don't understand.
- Are you joking? - No.
No.
I'm sorry.
Um, um, wait, uh.
You know what? Something's wrong.
Could you just ask me that again, please? Uh, Jerome Yes.
Do you want to move in with me? Uh, I would love nothing more than for us to continue to date while living in separate residences.
Oh, my God.
Jesus! I'm sorry.
Um, you know what? I'm just gonna--I'm gonna take--listen, nope, nope.
It's not--I'm gonna take a moment over here.
I'll be right back; just stay--just stay right here.
I'll be right back.
Do you want to move in with me? Yes.
Paige, yes.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Not only that, I want to spend my whole life with you.
Yes.
Yes.
A million times yes.
Okay.
All right.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Paige, I'm so sorry.
Yes, I'm right here for you.
Okay.
Uh, could you just ask me that one more time, please? Do you want to move in with me? Absolutely not.
Oh, my God! - What? This is insane.
- I know.
And you have been asking me to move in with you since the moment we got together.
I know.
I know.
I don't know what's happening.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know.
Wait, wait, wait, Paige, wait.
- Stop it.
No, I just--I can't be around you right now.
(ethereal hip-hop music) I'm that new shit Fuck with this new shit Up in the club acting like a brand new bitch Cash money spliffs Smoking dead presidents I'm about to beat the pussy up like a (vocalizing) Let's make a movie, show me I wanna film you It's preparation for the shit We gon' get into Tell your friends you got a ride You know I got you Wet like the ocean With that motion when I come through 'Cause I just wanted to mention Ooh, baby, I'm gonna make you sweat Yes!