Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e07 Episode Script
The Diving Bell and the Barbara
FITZ: There are many obstacles a man faces on the long road to salvation.
Life is a struggle.
And for the longest time, it was one I thought I would endure on my own.
And then, bam, you appeared.
I never realized how empty my life was until I met you: the debauchery the philandering.
But you never judged me.
And I know we've never really talked, but it feels like you've known me forever.
I'm not proud of my past.
But I also know that who I was is what brought me here to this moment.
And I'm not going to let a little thing like locked-in syndrome stand in the way of our love.
So Babs Devon I'm just a guy, standing in front of a largely comatose woman, asking her to marry me.
[sucks.]
Is that a "Yes"? [ Clicks, beeps .]
Do you even know what I'm saying? [ Clicks, beeps .]
Is that a "Yes" you'll marry me or a "Yes" you know what I'm saying? [ Clicks, beeps .]
I'll just take that as a "Yes.
" J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Well, hello, frownie.
What are you doing here? Trying to unplug her? Well, if you must know, I came by to apologize to your mother.
We had a very nice heart-to-beep conversation.
Apologize? You? Well, unlike some members of the Devon family, your mother has the capacity for forgiveness.
You actually expect me to believe you? As your mother might say, "Beep beep.
" You came to the right service department, bro.
Those guys over at Bob's Lube World can't plan a wedding for shit.
You've planned a wedding before? Well, I organized security for a sheik's public deflowering of his 100th virgin -- same diff.
How many people are you planning on inviting? No invites, no announcement.
Just a license, a minister, and a couple of witnesses.
We got to move fast on this.
If Babs' hot, frigid daughter finds out what I'm up to, there won't be a wedding.
"Hot, frigid daughter.
" Now what about the bachelor party? FITZ: 10 Texas mickeys.
Is that enough? JOSH: I spent a night in a Texas prison in '06.
I think it's enough.
LARRY: Richard, how did things go with Ms.
Devon? FITZ: Fine.
[Gasps.]
All-Asian stripper theme.
That should lend a certain charm.
That's it? Just fine? Was it one beep or two? "Mexican strippers.
" Did she at least agree not to testify? No.
-She's not going to testify? -So, you don't want any strippers? Both of you, shut the fuck up.
Josh, listen.
Thai strippers, Cuban cigars, French ticklers, Filipino bud, Texas mickeys.
Larry, fuck off.
-You're planning a bachelor party.
-Duh.
Shit.
Richard, you're not even -- Larry, I hate to admit it, but you've taught me to look beyond the superficial.
Sometimes, you find love in the most unexpected places.
I'm marrying Babs Devon, and I want you to be my best man.
Him? LARRY: Richard, this this is wrong.
How am I supposed to believe you're telling the truth: about love, about actually caring for that poor woman? Believe it, Larry.
You've changed me.
[Chuckles.]
Richard, you have no idea how much this means to me.
[Larry sobbing .]
-First order of best-man business -- -Matching tuxedoes.
The bachelor party.
I never had a decent birthday as a kid, and Christmas always sucked ass.
Do you know why I didn't care? Because Fitzpatricks always save it for the bachelor parties and wakes.
This isn't just a list.
Ä°t's the ingredients for my perfect night.
Don't fuck this up.
Never.
[ Laughs .]
[Telephone rings .]
Oh, uh, Josh, there's a customer waiting to test-drive the Cavalier, but it only has three wheels.
Well, I have a customer that's waiting to test-drive your face! [Dog barking.]
MAN: After Hitler's declaration of wan German forces invade and occupy the Western You're home early.
You seen my birth certificate? Why? I'm getting hitched.
MEGHAN: Excuse me? I sit here alone, day in and day out, with my bikini waxed and [hiccups.]
the sincere desire to love, and you Relax, it's a scam.
It turns out if Babs Devon is my wife, a little thing called "spousal privilege" kicks in.
Anal? No, she can't testify against me in court.
Something to do with the sanctity of marriage or some shit.
God, it's always win-win with you.
Even barely conscious women want to bang you.
I can't even get a date.
[Sighs.]
Well, why don't you just No, no.
I won't because just won't cut it.
I'm a very needy person.
I need to be held.
I need to be made love to.
Okay, I didn't grow a vagina in the last five minutes, so I'm just going to cut this conversation short.
What are you guys talking about? Video games.
Video games where people masturbate? They make those? FITZ: What the fuck are you doing? Have you even started looking for somebody to officiate the ceremony? Why don't you get Larry to do it? He's your best man, isn't he? He has to be.
If he finds out why I'm really getting married, he'll put the kibosh on it.
"You can't marry the comatose woman whose life you recklessly endangered just to stay out of prison.
" -That was pretty good.
-Yeah, not nearly as good as this shit I got from the best dealer in town.
I gave you that stuff.
Yeah, like I said, "the best dealer in town.
" I don't want to go to prison, Josh.
I know what you're trying to do.
Nope.
Okay, just one little hit.
This shit's good.
Did you light this or did I? Listen, Josh, I got a really important job for you.
I need you to find me a minister, ASAP.
Okay.
Best-man update: bachelor party starts at 7:00.
Now, look sharp, but don't wear anything you don't want to roll around on the floor in 'cause things are going to get messy! You made Larry your best man? Babe and I have known each other for a good time, but not a long time, if you know what I'm saying.
Well, I only got to know Babs after she fell into the coma.
No, I'm not implying that I fucked her while she was in the coma.
Oh, come on, like it's worse than what you guys do.
Hello? Father Grey? Ä°t's not true, is it? No, it's not.
Oh, I should have known Josh was messing with me, telling me that you were getting married.
Oh, that.
Yeah, that's true.
You just said that it wasn't.
Well, that's when I had no idea what you were talking about.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to know a minister or a rabbi maybe? -SONJA; [Sobs.]
-FITZ: what? Hey, you're the one that wanted to keep it all professional.
Fuck you, dickface! [Sobs.]
[Horn honking.]
You look like a girl who could use a drink.
You smell like a girl who's had a few already.
I need some girl talk.
You want booze or not? Damn straight.
[Engine turns over.]
[Sonja sighs .]
Let's hit this.
[Tires screech.]
Oh, here's one.
Oh, no, wait, I have to be 18.
Damn it! How am I supposed to relax and enjoy my bachelor party when I don't have a minister for my wedding? What's a bachelor party? Justin, a bachelor party is the most magical night in a man's life.
Ä°t's like an amusement park, a live sex show, and a condemned man's last meal all rolled into one.
You get to taste and touch and love longer and harder and faster than you ever have before.
Wow.
Oh, the stories I shouldn't tell you.
One of the best ones ever: we prison-tattooed a penis onto the groom's forehead.
Oh, his wife was so pissed.
It was fantastic.
Boy, I can't wait to flush my life down the toilet if it means I get to have a bachelor party.
FITZ: [ Laughs .]
Yeah.
You got a suit? Yup.
Giddy-up.
[Laughter, motorcycle engine revving.]
All right, one more time.
What are the rules? No crying.
No whining.
-You can touch if you pay? -You got that right.
All right, this party's going to be old-school: classy, martinis, Sinatra.
Just got to have Fitz in the mix, and ring-a-ding-ding, baby.
Surprise! -What the -fuck?! [Larry laughing.]
[Cork pops, horse whinnies, gunshots.]
-Slushy? -Where are my strippers, Larry?! Uh, well, you said you wanted your dream party, And you never had a birthday party as a child, so voilà ! Birthday party? This could be my last night as a free man, and you give me a fucking kid's party? -Josh?! -What?! Strippers, ecstasy, Sinatra: stat! And? You're the best man now.
And? And what, Josh? And I knew that Larry wouldn't buy your story for getting married.
-FITZ: Oh, fuck, Josh.
-What do you mean? Oh, uh I'll get started on the strippers.
The classic car-salesman scam, huh? Shine up the grill so I wouldn't notice the rusted-out brakes? You never intended to try to make it work with Babs at all! Hey, well, it doesn't matter now.
I can't find a minister to marry us, so I'm screwed.
And I get to spend my last hurrah as a free man with you.
Hurrah! [Balloon pops .]
[Sighs.]
KARA: You were smart to phone me.
I added some fail-safes to prevent tampering.
I know how important it is to maintain the integrity of this communication system since it will be used for official testimony.
[Beeping.]
Yeah, it's working fine.
Maybe he was telling the truth.
-Who you calling? -My man on the inside.
[Cellphone ringing.]
Don't tell her about the bachelor party.
Don't tell her about the bachelor party.
Don't tell her about the bachelor party.
Hey, Fitz is marrying Babs Devon.
Fuck.
[Sighs.]
ALI: I should have known better.
He wasn't here to apologize to her.
God, I'm such a fool! He's a master in female manipulation.
All he leaves in his wake are shattered lives.
No way in hell is he marrying my mother.
-Not an option.
-What are you going to do? I got to find some way to stall him so I get her moved to a private facility tomorrow morning.
Let's break his legs.
I know six ways to make it look like it was an accident.
I got a better idea.
[Slow-tempo music playing, indistinct conversations.]
No last-minute strippers, man unless you want a pregnant one.
But they're more expensive.
It costs the same as a duo because of the Screw this.
I got to find a priest.
How'd you get in here? Private function.
I said I was family.
So, why the big celebration? Is it someone's birthday? Ä°t's my retarded co-worker's idea of a bachelor party.
-A bachelor party? -Yeah.
Oh.
Who's about to die? Well, if you must know, me.
Well, then let me get you a drink.
You're being awful nice for a woman who wouldn't piss on my corpse a couple of days ago.
It's amazing how much an apology to my mom will get you.
Come on, we're getting dry.
Unfortunately, the bar is closed.
Where there's a will there's a way.
Fitz doesn't drink alone.
[Both laughing.]
Oh fucking men.
Yeah.
Selfish shit.
I mean, how heartless can somebody be? To just use you like that and then just toss you aside? You know, I always pegged you as the dumb blonde, but you're actually a conscientious brunette who recognizes the needs of others.
And you could use a touch-up.
You know what? You're so much better without my brother.
The night before my wedding, he tattooed a penis on Saul's forehead.
That's mean.
-Why didn't we do this sooner? -I know, right? You're awesome.
You're awesome! [Both laughing.]
Oh, party's over.
Oh, no, no, no.
Mnh-mnh.
The party is never over, sister.
I always wanted a sister.
Me too.
Oh! Do sisters always hug this long? [Gasps.]
I've got a great idea.
[Laughter, indistinct conversations.]
"Thanks for nothing, Larry! I'll just do whatever I want.
Marry a vegetable.
" Some of this punch.
[Sighs.]
It's cold, but it makes my belly warm.
[Glugging.]
Oh, it's delicious.
So, come on.
Tell me about her.
Who is the woman who swept you off your feet? Nothing much to tell.
Discretion.
Oh, it must be true love.
To monogamy.
To hell with that.
[Both chuckle.]
[ "Can I Steal a Little Love" by Matt Dusk plays.]
Come fly with me, baby.
Mmm, how about one more drink first? No, first we dance, then we drink.
[Both laughing, singing.]
J' Can I steal a little love? J' What the hell kind of bachelor party is this? -I think we can still find some fun.
-Ooh! Thank you.
[Slurping.]
There are three things I do better than any man you'll ever meet.
One is sell cars.
Two is dance.
And as for three, you'll have to use your imagination.
J' Can I steal a little love? J' J' Please tell me why are you driving me crazy? J' J' Why do I dig you like I do? J' So this is her plan? J' You can prove that it's wrong J' J' Hey, give it back to you J' J' Tell me, honey J' I want to report some underage drinking at the DUI.
Thank you.
J' I won't even need a shove J' J' Can I steal a little J' Selling cars is nothing to brag about.
Eh, selling cars is a means to an end.
I want to open my own place: a real sexy, rat-pack kind of place.
You have a dream? You have no idea.
Is this the way you roll? First guy that gives you a slushy, you ditch your friend? -No.
-Slut! Hi, Mom.
Oh, shit.
Is that my kid? Oh, my God, I hope he's not tattooed! Nice parenting.
MAN: The claws come out! Here they come, man! You want to take this outside? Bring it, red.
Unh! MAN: Yeah! Now, about that third thing Use your imagination.
Oh, I have and we were fabulous together.
J' like I do? J' J' If I steal a little kiss, and you can prove J' FITZ: Josh.
My man.
Strippers! J' I can walk you down the aisle J' [ Laughs .]
Ladies! [ Laughs .]
-Come on, let's go! -OFFICER: Okay.
That's it.
Come on! Oh, God.
OW! J' steal a little love? J' MEGHAN: I'm gonna kick your ass! SONJA: Slut! FITZ: Ugh! Officer, there's obviously been some misunderstanding.
OFFICER: Yeah, yours.
Come on.
-ALI: You amaze me.
-OFFICER: Move it.
-FITZ: What? -Trying to get me to sleep with you after you've already tricked my mother into marrying you? In my defense, I am pretty drunk.
Now you can nurse your hangover behind bars instead of at the altar.
You did this, didn't you? No, this is what they call Serendipity.
See, I just wanted to get you drunk enough that you wouldn't marry my mother, but now you're going to rot behind bars while I move her to a private facility, and you're never going to see her again.
You thought you could hide behind spousal privilege.
OFFICER: Who brought you here? What, entrapment now? -She did.
-OFFICER: Okay.
Wait, what? OFFICER: Take her downtown, too.
You got to be kidding me! -Didn't see that coming.
-ALI: Aw, come on, Kara! Fitz is the enemy.
Let me go.
Come on.
-You've got the wrong girl.
-KARA: What? Wait.
Why are you taking me? Stop! We should do this again sometime.
That was fun.
[Jail-cell bars slam.]
[Larry vomiting.]
[Coughing.]
[Groaning.]
You know what? You're really ungrateful.
Now's not the time to grow a spine, Larry.
No, no, it's my turn to speak.
Okay, you think it's easy being your conscience? Well, it's not, mister, because you're a very bad man.
Do you ever stop to think that if you're my conscience, and you're sitting over there, there's no more conscience left up here? All the bad things I do, it's kind of your fault.
Then why don't you listen to me once in a while, huh? Just talk to me, include me, maybe then you'd be happy.
Or at least not charged with attempted vehicular manslaughter.
[Vomiting.]
For God's sakes, Larry, haven't you ever been sick before? At least throw your tie up over your shoulder so you don't get spackle on it.
[Coughing.]
[Larry vomiting.]
[Fitz sighs .]
Thank you.
That was a very considerate piece of advice.
Yeah.
Richard, if I can get you out of here, get you to the hospital and married to Babe Devon, make this whole car-accident thing go away, do you promise me that you will listen to me from now on? Even if you could get us out of here, where are we going to find a minister in time? I'm a minister.
LARRY: Oh, yeah? Would you perform a wedding ceremony for us? Get me out of here, I'll let you shit on my chest.
ALI: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Oh, what'd you do, Fitz? Bribe him? Oh, don't be so crass.
Larry gave the guy a sweet deal on a Cavalier.
Still think selling cars is nothing to brag about? Say good-bye to daddy.
I want my fucking phone call! Sounds like someone's begging for a tasering.
Ugh! OW.
[Larry vomiting.]
FITZ: Larry, what the fuck did you drink? LARRY: I don't know, but it was delicious.
DRIVER: Get out of my taxi! Do it now, boy! LARRY: I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? Take my hand.
Fuck! I don't have a ring! Maybe that hot nurse I used to bang will lend me her wedding ring.
Richard, you banged a married woman? Not now, Larry.
Wait.
Oh, God.
[Chuckles.]
I got a ring! Larry you really are my best man.
-Here.
-Thank you! [Minister barking.]
Marriage is the most sacred bond.
And, like all knots, it only works when it is cinched tightly.
To bind together two people, we use the rings: symbolic handcuffs, if you will.
Yeah, can we, uh, out to the chase? And, yeah, ll do.
I do.
And do you, Mrs.
Devon, take thismaster to be your lawfully wedded husband? [Heart monitor beeping.]
[Murmuring.]
Stop the wedding! [Gasps.]
[Vomiting.]
[Panting.]
Oh, God.
BABS: I do.
LARRY: Oh, my God, they're married.
Life is a struggle.
And for the longest time, it was one I thought I would endure on my own.
And then, bam, you appeared.
I never realized how empty my life was until I met you: the debauchery the philandering.
But you never judged me.
And I know we've never really talked, but it feels like you've known me forever.
I'm not proud of my past.
But I also know that who I was is what brought me here to this moment.
And I'm not going to let a little thing like locked-in syndrome stand in the way of our love.
So Babs Devon I'm just a guy, standing in front of a largely comatose woman, asking her to marry me.
[sucks.]
Is that a "Yes"? [ Clicks, beeps .]
Do you even know what I'm saying? [ Clicks, beeps .]
Is that a "Yes" you'll marry me or a "Yes" you know what I'm saying? [ Clicks, beeps .]
I'll just take that as a "Yes.
" J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' Well, hello, frownie.
What are you doing here? Trying to unplug her? Well, if you must know, I came by to apologize to your mother.
We had a very nice heart-to-beep conversation.
Apologize? You? Well, unlike some members of the Devon family, your mother has the capacity for forgiveness.
You actually expect me to believe you? As your mother might say, "Beep beep.
" You came to the right service department, bro.
Those guys over at Bob's Lube World can't plan a wedding for shit.
You've planned a wedding before? Well, I organized security for a sheik's public deflowering of his 100th virgin -- same diff.
How many people are you planning on inviting? No invites, no announcement.
Just a license, a minister, and a couple of witnesses.
We got to move fast on this.
If Babs' hot, frigid daughter finds out what I'm up to, there won't be a wedding.
"Hot, frigid daughter.
" Now what about the bachelor party? FITZ: 10 Texas mickeys.
Is that enough? JOSH: I spent a night in a Texas prison in '06.
I think it's enough.
LARRY: Richard, how did things go with Ms.
Devon? FITZ: Fine.
[Gasps.]
All-Asian stripper theme.
That should lend a certain charm.
That's it? Just fine? Was it one beep or two? "Mexican strippers.
" Did she at least agree not to testify? No.
-She's not going to testify? -So, you don't want any strippers? Both of you, shut the fuck up.
Josh, listen.
Thai strippers, Cuban cigars, French ticklers, Filipino bud, Texas mickeys.
Larry, fuck off.
-You're planning a bachelor party.
-Duh.
Shit.
Richard, you're not even -- Larry, I hate to admit it, but you've taught me to look beyond the superficial.
Sometimes, you find love in the most unexpected places.
I'm marrying Babs Devon, and I want you to be my best man.
Him? LARRY: Richard, this this is wrong.
How am I supposed to believe you're telling the truth: about love, about actually caring for that poor woman? Believe it, Larry.
You've changed me.
[Chuckles.]
Richard, you have no idea how much this means to me.
[Larry sobbing .]
-First order of best-man business -- -Matching tuxedoes.
The bachelor party.
I never had a decent birthday as a kid, and Christmas always sucked ass.
Do you know why I didn't care? Because Fitzpatricks always save it for the bachelor parties and wakes.
This isn't just a list.
Ä°t's the ingredients for my perfect night.
Don't fuck this up.
Never.
[ Laughs .]
[Telephone rings .]
Oh, uh, Josh, there's a customer waiting to test-drive the Cavalier, but it only has three wheels.
Well, I have a customer that's waiting to test-drive your face! [Dog barking.]
MAN: After Hitler's declaration of wan German forces invade and occupy the Western You're home early.
You seen my birth certificate? Why? I'm getting hitched.
MEGHAN: Excuse me? I sit here alone, day in and day out, with my bikini waxed and [hiccups.]
the sincere desire to love, and you Relax, it's a scam.
It turns out if Babs Devon is my wife, a little thing called "spousal privilege" kicks in.
Anal? No, she can't testify against me in court.
Something to do with the sanctity of marriage or some shit.
God, it's always win-win with you.
Even barely conscious women want to bang you.
I can't even get a date.
[Sighs.]
Well, why don't you just No, no.
I won't because just won't cut it.
I'm a very needy person.
I need to be held.
I need to be made love to.
Okay, I didn't grow a vagina in the last five minutes, so I'm just going to cut this conversation short.
What are you guys talking about? Video games.
Video games where people masturbate? They make those? FITZ: What the fuck are you doing? Have you even started looking for somebody to officiate the ceremony? Why don't you get Larry to do it? He's your best man, isn't he? He has to be.
If he finds out why I'm really getting married, he'll put the kibosh on it.
"You can't marry the comatose woman whose life you recklessly endangered just to stay out of prison.
" -That was pretty good.
-Yeah, not nearly as good as this shit I got from the best dealer in town.
I gave you that stuff.
Yeah, like I said, "the best dealer in town.
" I don't want to go to prison, Josh.
I know what you're trying to do.
Nope.
Okay, just one little hit.
This shit's good.
Did you light this or did I? Listen, Josh, I got a really important job for you.
I need you to find me a minister, ASAP.
Okay.
Best-man update: bachelor party starts at 7:00.
Now, look sharp, but don't wear anything you don't want to roll around on the floor in 'cause things are going to get messy! You made Larry your best man? Babe and I have known each other for a good time, but not a long time, if you know what I'm saying.
Well, I only got to know Babs after she fell into the coma.
No, I'm not implying that I fucked her while she was in the coma.
Oh, come on, like it's worse than what you guys do.
Hello? Father Grey? Ä°t's not true, is it? No, it's not.
Oh, I should have known Josh was messing with me, telling me that you were getting married.
Oh, that.
Yeah, that's true.
You just said that it wasn't.
Well, that's when I had no idea what you were talking about.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to know a minister or a rabbi maybe? -SONJA; [Sobs.]
-FITZ: what? Hey, you're the one that wanted to keep it all professional.
Fuck you, dickface! [Sobs.]
[Horn honking.]
You look like a girl who could use a drink.
You smell like a girl who's had a few already.
I need some girl talk.
You want booze or not? Damn straight.
[Engine turns over.]
[Sonja sighs .]
Let's hit this.
[Tires screech.]
Oh, here's one.
Oh, no, wait, I have to be 18.
Damn it! How am I supposed to relax and enjoy my bachelor party when I don't have a minister for my wedding? What's a bachelor party? Justin, a bachelor party is the most magical night in a man's life.
Ä°t's like an amusement park, a live sex show, and a condemned man's last meal all rolled into one.
You get to taste and touch and love longer and harder and faster than you ever have before.
Wow.
Oh, the stories I shouldn't tell you.
One of the best ones ever: we prison-tattooed a penis onto the groom's forehead.
Oh, his wife was so pissed.
It was fantastic.
Boy, I can't wait to flush my life down the toilet if it means I get to have a bachelor party.
FITZ: [ Laughs .]
Yeah.
You got a suit? Yup.
Giddy-up.
[Laughter, motorcycle engine revving.]
All right, one more time.
What are the rules? No crying.
No whining.
-You can touch if you pay? -You got that right.
All right, this party's going to be old-school: classy, martinis, Sinatra.
Just got to have Fitz in the mix, and ring-a-ding-ding, baby.
Surprise! -What the -fuck?! [Larry laughing.]
[Cork pops, horse whinnies, gunshots.]
-Slushy? -Where are my strippers, Larry?! Uh, well, you said you wanted your dream party, And you never had a birthday party as a child, so voilà ! Birthday party? This could be my last night as a free man, and you give me a fucking kid's party? -Josh?! -What?! Strippers, ecstasy, Sinatra: stat! And? You're the best man now.
And? And what, Josh? And I knew that Larry wouldn't buy your story for getting married.
-FITZ: Oh, fuck, Josh.
-What do you mean? Oh, uh I'll get started on the strippers.
The classic car-salesman scam, huh? Shine up the grill so I wouldn't notice the rusted-out brakes? You never intended to try to make it work with Babs at all! Hey, well, it doesn't matter now.
I can't find a minister to marry us, so I'm screwed.
And I get to spend my last hurrah as a free man with you.
Hurrah! [Balloon pops .]
[Sighs.]
KARA: You were smart to phone me.
I added some fail-safes to prevent tampering.
I know how important it is to maintain the integrity of this communication system since it will be used for official testimony.
[Beeping.]
Yeah, it's working fine.
Maybe he was telling the truth.
-Who you calling? -My man on the inside.
[Cellphone ringing.]
Don't tell her about the bachelor party.
Don't tell her about the bachelor party.
Don't tell her about the bachelor party.
Hey, Fitz is marrying Babs Devon.
Fuck.
[Sighs.]
ALI: I should have known better.
He wasn't here to apologize to her.
God, I'm such a fool! He's a master in female manipulation.
All he leaves in his wake are shattered lives.
No way in hell is he marrying my mother.
-Not an option.
-What are you going to do? I got to find some way to stall him so I get her moved to a private facility tomorrow morning.
Let's break his legs.
I know six ways to make it look like it was an accident.
I got a better idea.
[Slow-tempo music playing, indistinct conversations.]
No last-minute strippers, man unless you want a pregnant one.
But they're more expensive.
It costs the same as a duo because of the Screw this.
I got to find a priest.
How'd you get in here? Private function.
I said I was family.
So, why the big celebration? Is it someone's birthday? Ä°t's my retarded co-worker's idea of a bachelor party.
-A bachelor party? -Yeah.
Oh.
Who's about to die? Well, if you must know, me.
Well, then let me get you a drink.
You're being awful nice for a woman who wouldn't piss on my corpse a couple of days ago.
It's amazing how much an apology to my mom will get you.
Come on, we're getting dry.
Unfortunately, the bar is closed.
Where there's a will there's a way.
Fitz doesn't drink alone.
[Both laughing.]
Oh fucking men.
Yeah.
Selfish shit.
I mean, how heartless can somebody be? To just use you like that and then just toss you aside? You know, I always pegged you as the dumb blonde, but you're actually a conscientious brunette who recognizes the needs of others.
And you could use a touch-up.
You know what? You're so much better without my brother.
The night before my wedding, he tattooed a penis on Saul's forehead.
That's mean.
-Why didn't we do this sooner? -I know, right? You're awesome.
You're awesome! [Both laughing.]
Oh, party's over.
Oh, no, no, no.
Mnh-mnh.
The party is never over, sister.
I always wanted a sister.
Me too.
Oh! Do sisters always hug this long? [Gasps.]
I've got a great idea.
[Laughter, indistinct conversations.]
"Thanks for nothing, Larry! I'll just do whatever I want.
Marry a vegetable.
" Some of this punch.
[Sighs.]
It's cold, but it makes my belly warm.
[Glugging.]
Oh, it's delicious.
So, come on.
Tell me about her.
Who is the woman who swept you off your feet? Nothing much to tell.
Discretion.
Oh, it must be true love.
To monogamy.
To hell with that.
[Both chuckle.]
[ "Can I Steal a Little Love" by Matt Dusk plays.]
Come fly with me, baby.
Mmm, how about one more drink first? No, first we dance, then we drink.
[Both laughing, singing.]
J' Can I steal a little love? J' What the hell kind of bachelor party is this? -I think we can still find some fun.
-Ooh! Thank you.
[Slurping.]
There are three things I do better than any man you'll ever meet.
One is sell cars.
Two is dance.
And as for three, you'll have to use your imagination.
J' Can I steal a little love? J' J' Please tell me why are you driving me crazy? J' J' Why do I dig you like I do? J' So this is her plan? J' You can prove that it's wrong J' J' Hey, give it back to you J' J' Tell me, honey J' I want to report some underage drinking at the DUI.
Thank you.
J' I won't even need a shove J' J' Can I steal a little J' Selling cars is nothing to brag about.
Eh, selling cars is a means to an end.
I want to open my own place: a real sexy, rat-pack kind of place.
You have a dream? You have no idea.
Is this the way you roll? First guy that gives you a slushy, you ditch your friend? -No.
-Slut! Hi, Mom.
Oh, shit.
Is that my kid? Oh, my God, I hope he's not tattooed! Nice parenting.
MAN: The claws come out! Here they come, man! You want to take this outside? Bring it, red.
Unh! MAN: Yeah! Now, about that third thing Use your imagination.
Oh, I have and we were fabulous together.
J' like I do? J' J' If I steal a little kiss, and you can prove J' FITZ: Josh.
My man.
Strippers! J' I can walk you down the aisle J' [ Laughs .]
Ladies! [ Laughs .]
-Come on, let's go! -OFFICER: Okay.
That's it.
Come on! Oh, God.
OW! J' steal a little love? J' MEGHAN: I'm gonna kick your ass! SONJA: Slut! FITZ: Ugh! Officer, there's obviously been some misunderstanding.
OFFICER: Yeah, yours.
Come on.
-ALI: You amaze me.
-OFFICER: Move it.
-FITZ: What? -Trying to get me to sleep with you after you've already tricked my mother into marrying you? In my defense, I am pretty drunk.
Now you can nurse your hangover behind bars instead of at the altar.
You did this, didn't you? No, this is what they call Serendipity.
See, I just wanted to get you drunk enough that you wouldn't marry my mother, but now you're going to rot behind bars while I move her to a private facility, and you're never going to see her again.
You thought you could hide behind spousal privilege.
OFFICER: Who brought you here? What, entrapment now? -She did.
-OFFICER: Okay.
Wait, what? OFFICER: Take her downtown, too.
You got to be kidding me! -Didn't see that coming.
-ALI: Aw, come on, Kara! Fitz is the enemy.
Let me go.
Come on.
-You've got the wrong girl.
-KARA: What? Wait.
Why are you taking me? Stop! We should do this again sometime.
That was fun.
[Jail-cell bars slam.]
[Larry vomiting.]
[Coughing.]
[Groaning.]
You know what? You're really ungrateful.
Now's not the time to grow a spine, Larry.
No, no, it's my turn to speak.
Okay, you think it's easy being your conscience? Well, it's not, mister, because you're a very bad man.
Do you ever stop to think that if you're my conscience, and you're sitting over there, there's no more conscience left up here? All the bad things I do, it's kind of your fault.
Then why don't you listen to me once in a while, huh? Just talk to me, include me, maybe then you'd be happy.
Or at least not charged with attempted vehicular manslaughter.
[Vomiting.]
For God's sakes, Larry, haven't you ever been sick before? At least throw your tie up over your shoulder so you don't get spackle on it.
[Coughing.]
[Larry vomiting.]
[Fitz sighs .]
Thank you.
That was a very considerate piece of advice.
Yeah.
Richard, if I can get you out of here, get you to the hospital and married to Babe Devon, make this whole car-accident thing go away, do you promise me that you will listen to me from now on? Even if you could get us out of here, where are we going to find a minister in time? I'm a minister.
LARRY: Oh, yeah? Would you perform a wedding ceremony for us? Get me out of here, I'll let you shit on my chest.
ALI: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Oh, what'd you do, Fitz? Bribe him? Oh, don't be so crass.
Larry gave the guy a sweet deal on a Cavalier.
Still think selling cars is nothing to brag about? Say good-bye to daddy.
I want my fucking phone call! Sounds like someone's begging for a tasering.
Ugh! OW.
[Larry vomiting.]
FITZ: Larry, what the fuck did you drink? LARRY: I don't know, but it was delicious.
DRIVER: Get out of my taxi! Do it now, boy! LARRY: I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you okay? Take my hand.
Fuck! I don't have a ring! Maybe that hot nurse I used to bang will lend me her wedding ring.
Richard, you banged a married woman? Not now, Larry.
Wait.
Oh, God.
[Chuckles.]
I got a ring! Larry you really are my best man.
-Here.
-Thank you! [Minister barking.]
Marriage is the most sacred bond.
And, like all knots, it only works when it is cinched tightly.
To bind together two people, we use the rings: symbolic handcuffs, if you will.
Yeah, can we, uh, out to the chase? And, yeah, ll do.
I do.
And do you, Mrs.
Devon, take thismaster to be your lawfully wedded husband? [Heart monitor beeping.]
[Murmuring.]
Stop the wedding! [Gasps.]
[Vomiting.]
[Panting.]
Oh, God.
BABS: I do.
LARRY: Oh, my God, they're married.