Captain Fall (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[gulls squawk]
[Jonathan chuckles] No, no!
This is all true. It's a true story.
Uh, so, uh I thought the cashier said,
"Three dollars, nighty-night."
So, uh, I said, "Excuse me?"
And she repeated it.
And what she actually said
was, "Three dollars ninety-nine."
- Oh, 99! Yeah.
- Ha-ha, good one!
Oh!
[Jonathan] "Nighty-night?"
It doesn't even make sense!
It was the middle of the day,
for crying out loud!
Please, please, stop it, Captain.
Por favor. You're killing us here!
It happened maybe oh, 15 years ago,
but I still think back on it every day,
and I just laugh so hard.
Wow. Yeah, that's a
Yeah, that's a great one.
Oh, I know. It's my go-to story
when I want a real laugh fiesta.
[chuckles, sighs]
Okay. Well, on another note, uh
I would like to make an announcement.
I think it's time for me to, um tinkle.
[enthusiastic laughter]
Please excuse me.
I'll be back in ten ten, 15 minutes.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
- Ugh.
- Mm-mm.
No. No, we're done.
I can't take another second of this.
What are you No!
Ugh.
[sighs]
You've made it, Jonathan.
You have finally made it.
They love you out there. They love you.
- [toilet flushes]
- Oh, uh!
And he's back.
There's the man! [laughs]
Hey! Capitán!
Oh-ho! Yes, it's me. I'm back.
Whoo!
You know, I was thinking, do you mind
if I tell that 99-cent story again?
I just can't get over it. It's so fun!
Yeah.
[frantic string music playing]
[gulls squawking]
[Jonathan] Okay. Listen up, people.
I just wanted to say
that I am so proud to work with a crew
so dedicated
to making the world a better place.
So I want everyone
to put your hand on your shoulder
like this.
And then go like this.
Good work. Yeah, so ev everyone
everyone say that with me now.
- Good work. Yeah, good work.
- [all] Good work.
- Good work.
- Good work.
- Good work.
- Good work.
Ah, okay, that's nice.
Okay, so next up is a chartered cruise
for just a few select passengers.
We have a group from China
and a group from Congo coming here.
They have rented the whole ship
for the sole purpose of cultural exchange,
so that will be a lot of fun.
[eerie music playing]
[bird calls]
- [dogs bark]
- [people shout]
- [blows land]
- [dog barks]
[guns clicking]
[automatic gunfire]
[man] And therefore, I believe
this will be a great business opportunity
that will bring you much profit
and, uh prosperity in the coming years.
That was it.
End of presentation.
Oh!
Wh Wh Wh What do you think, eh?
Did I sound convincing?
Yeah? I nailed that, didn't I?
Yes, that was very good.
Very thorough, with great use
of both graphics and diagrams
to emphasize your points.
[man chuckles proudly]
Good to hear. I can't understand
why someone would say no to this deal.
[tuts] No.
Listen to me, are there going to be
many people at this presentation?
Ah, yes, I think maybe 15?
More than ten at least.
- Oh, baby Jesus. Not good.
- Mm?
You sounded nervous just rehearsing
in front of me, your wife of 25 years.
How are you going to handle
a bigger audience?
Uh Uh But it is quite normal now. Ah-ah.
You know what Mark Twain said?
"There are two types of speakers, those
that get nervous and those who are liars."
But no one gets
as nervous as you, Goodluck.
- Oh.
- You can't say grace at the dinner table
with just me and the kids
without stuttering and blushing.
[tuts] Oh.
I know. I'm my own worst enemy.
- [yells]
- [automatic gunfire]
You are even bringing RCA to SCART?
Ah. You should really ask them
what kind of setup they have on board.
Mm-mm. I'm not going to ask them.
It's not professional.
You are nothing without your PowerPoint.
If it does not work,
you are doomed to fail.
Just call them up.
It takes you 20 seconds.
If I call them,
it plays straight into the stereotypes
they have about warlords. Mm!
- I don't want to give them that.
- Ah! What stereotypes?
You know, eh?
That we don't know how to set up
PowerPoint presentations and all that.
I don't want to be pigeonholed.
[woman] Oh, sometimes I wish
that some of your child soldiers
were snatched a few years later
so they came with some computer knowledge
or something like normal teenagers.
Then I would not have to worry so much.
Yes, it would have been fortunate.
Yes, it would have,
but now you are on your own,
and don't you dare
come back without a signed deal.
Colonel Obote is ready to take your place
the second you show yourself
as a weak warlord.
[grunts]
[sighs]
Uh, what are you doing, Jonathan?
The, uh, Congolese party
are bringing their kids,
so I just I wanna make sure the grown-ups
can have their meeting uninterrupted.
This looks great, right?
[Pedro] Yeah. Real nice.
But these youngsters
might not be fans of magic
and face paint.
Oh, yes, of course.
Yeah, you're probably right, Pedro,
'cause children
tend not to like this, huh?
Or this.
Hmm? Mm? Mm?
What? Where did that come from?
My mouth? How is this even possible?
Those are handkerchiefs.
And that is just part
of what I have in store
for these little rugrats. [chuckles]
Welcome to the Caribbean Queen, Mr. Hong.
I am your captain,
and I am so looking forward
to having you on board.
A pleasure.
Oh, the the pleasure is all mine.
[man sighs]
[in Mandarin] They all look alike.
Impossible to tell them apart.
Very ugly faces. It is very consistent.
Almost like "ugly-face uniforms."
The captain is a tiny "boy-man."
Horrible face and smells like old milk.
- A captain should be sturdier.
- Right.
I cannot respect him.
[in English] I
I speak Mandarin, you know?
I'm just kidding.
I'm as monolingual
as they come. [chuckles]
Wh What were you
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, just that we are
very happy to be here,
and we want to bring thanks
for arranging this meeting.
Oh, our pleasure.
I hope you like to eat with sticks
because we have sticks in the restaurant.
None of that knife-and-fork nonsense.
Okay.
You're gonna have so much fun.
[chuckles]
Yes. Um
Uh, Liza, would you please show
Mr. Hong and his friends to their cabins?
[in Mandarin]
Please come with me, my friends. This way.
[in English] Bye.
Hoof!
Oh, Mr. Hong. What a character, huh?
Hmm, yeah, pretty hostile.
You don't deserve that, my friend.
Well, maybe friendliness is a sign
of weakness or something in in China?
But he he'll come around.
Kill them with kindness.
Isn't that what they say?
[phone buzzes, beeps]
Yes?
Yes. Okay. Roger that.
[phone beeps]
Mr. Goodluck and his crew are approaching.
Oh! There, on the horizon.
Ah, they're so far away,
but I can hear them real well.
What is happening to me? It's like I
Oh, it's like have super hearing.
Maybe I finally found my hidden talent,
hearing exceptionally well at sea. Huh.
[eerie music playing]
Oh.
Welcome, Mr. Goodluck,
to the Caribbean Queen.
Uh I am your captain,
Johnathan Fall. Hah. Uh
Oh.
[chuckles] I am so happy for Mr. Tyrant
setting up this meeting.
Please, bring him
my many thanks along with this.
Huh. Wow, it looks completely real.
I am sure he will love it.
[Goodluck chuckles] I sure hope so.
[chuckles] Well, please come aboard.
We are expecting you.
Thank you, Captain.
Oh! One for you.
One for you.
Oh! Oh, excuse me.
What's that
in your ear there, little fella? Ah!
Ah! [grunts]
Arrête ça.
- [gun clicks]
- [Jonathan chuckles]
Oh wow, so strong.
Huh! Well, that was fun.
So we like to play cops and robbers
over there in Congo, do we?
That is just swell.
Fun and games is, uh is good.
Never lose your playfulness,
you little rascal. [chuckles]
Ooh. That was so fast.
[grunts] The battery,
this life-giving energy reservoir,
fueling everything
from trucks to telephones.
Where would we be without it?
And what would a battery be
without cobalt?
Just an expensive piece
of useless material.
Material? Hmm-hmm.
[confidently] Material.
["Determined Minds" by H Double L playing]
[H Double L raps in French]
[upbeat kids' music playing]
Hey there, Capitán.
Ah, nice rat costume.
What are you dressing up for?
Just preparing for a show
that I am treating those kids to.
Did you not notice how sullen they looked?
Uh No, not really, no.
Um I'm not that good at reading emotions,
I guess. I don't know.
Well, I am, and those kids
are in dire need of a good time.
You know, maybe they just want to relax
and enjoy some time off
from the daily routine.
I mean, it's not often
they get to do relaxing stuff like this.
I think they are kept pretty busy,
if you ask me.
Kids are kids, and fun is universal.
I have prepared jokes,
and riddles, and rhymes,
and everything they could ever crave.
Wow. Okay.
Uh Just lose the rat outfit.
I think.
Oh, f Yeah, fine. It's a bunny,
but I'm not compromising
on the rest of the show.
Maybe I care too much,
but children are our future,
and I don't see anybody else
trying to lift their spirits around here.
So this one
- [bleeps]
- Oh.
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
That is not Ah, ah. Ah-ah.
Ooh. Wh I
M May I help you, Mr. Goodluck?
It's a a bit tricky.
Uh, no. I can do this easily.
I'm very computer literate.
- So
- Mm. That one is for the lights.
I know.
Yeah. Just tell me
if there's anything I can do.
There is nothing.
I'm an expert in the different cables
and connections area,
so that poses no problem for me.
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Mm.
Just connect to the HDMI 2 there.
I knew that,
but that is not what I was trying to do.
Hmm.
Eh
Uh [clears throat]
Welcome to this presentation
of JSF, the Juvenile Security Force.
Uh
[louder] Uh, can everyone hear me fine
all the way there in the back?
Of course. This is just a small room.
[still at louder volume]
Oh, okay, good. Uh Uh-uh G
[normal volume] Um, good.
Welcome to you, Mr. Hong,
and to your associates.
It is an honor that you took the time
to meet us here in this fine vessel.
[clears throat]
Okay, let us get straight to business.
Oh. [chuckles nervously]
It's a personal photo, so, uh
Eh Now you know more about me.
That is always positive. Yeah? [chuckles]
Anyway. Uh, where was I?
Uh, yes. [clears throat]
When you leave this room today,
you will be convinced
that the Juvenile Security Force
is the right choice
for guarding your cobalt mines.
Because like we used to say,
"It's not who you know,
but who you blow up."
[chortles]
Who
Who you blow up! [laughs]
Because
Because he blew up that son of a bitch
Sergeant Mawemba in his hut. [chuckles]
It is a a very funny twist on the saying.
Eh-heh. [clears throat]
I'll move along to myths or facts.
Child soldiers need less food
than grown soldiers
and are therefore
a more affordable choice.
Myth or fact?
[gulls cawing]
[blows air attempting to whistle]
Capitán?
Uh, how many of the children
have signed up for the magic show?
Mm No one.
D What? What the freckles is wrong
with these children?
- I have a heck of a show prepared.
- I am aware. Yes.
Did you tell them
I have a heck of a show prepared?
Ye Yes, I told them.
In those words?
Yes.
Oh, not good.
Then they heard the H word. Ugh.
I think they'll be fine.
Were they excited about the show?
What did they say?
Nothing, uh
- But two of them asked for hookers.
- What?
Eh, you know, Captain,
it's just kids' humor.
Okay,
call an emergency staff meeting, pronto.
I have a plan to solve this mess.
Everyone has to join,
and I I won't take no for an answer.
[celebratory Latin music playing]
[Jonathan] Whoo!
Join in, friends! Come on! Come on!
What are you scared of? This is so fun.
It's so much fu-un ♪
This is so much fu-un ♪
All the cups, uh pots, uh the knives,
uh, the forks, and the spoons
can all be scaled down,
and in the long run
could save you a considerable amount.
Do you want me to elaborate on the savings
just because of the sheer lack of size
of the soldiers?
Eh?
No? Or yes?
O Or no?
[Latin music playing]
Anyone for conga? ♪
Want to join our conga? ♪
Anyone for conga? Anyone for ♪
And reverse!
No one here for conga ♪
No one here for conga ♪
They're declining conga ♪
We'll just leave you alone ♪
- Keep backing up, everybody!
- [music stops]
Let's take a break. Huh?
Is that okay for you, Mr. Hong?
Yeah? A A short break, eh?
Eh To To To clear our heads. [chuckles]
Eh-hah.
Yes? O Or no?
[all slurp]
[sighs contentedly]
Oh wow, thanks. I am so exhausted.
- Conga line is the best form of exercise.
- Really?
Yeah, I read that somewhere.
Oh, I hope I didn't ruin
their meeting, but, uh
being able to put a smile on all those
children's faces made it all worthwhile.
Yeah, no.
[mellow music playing over PA]
Sorry about the conga line.
Uh, I hope
I didn't ruin your presentation.
Oh, that is okay. [sighs]
It gave me an excuse to take a break.
I was just too nervous
during the presentation.
Look at my hands! They are still shaking.
Oh. Well, tho
those sweet kids have made punch.
- Do you want some?
- Ah, sure.
Punch for Goodluck!
I mean, we have a great product
that is really a no-brainer,
but I just don't think
I managed to get my point across.
Heh? And I have to sign this deal, oh.
Or I fear it will be the end of me.
Hey. Hey, don't let your job
take over your life.
No job is that important.
Hmm. I don't know about that.
Anyway, this cruise is about
cultural exchange, so let's get to it.
[clears throat] Mr. Hong!
Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong!
Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong! Mr. Hong!
Mr. Hong! Have a seat.
The kids have whipped up the best punch.
Can I get you some?
I do not drink.
Oh, but this is a recipe for kids,
so it's obviously alcohol-free.
Ah.
Just extremely tasty,
and, uh, very thirst quenching.
Okay. I am thirsty
and have a sour taste in my mouth
after that shaky presentation.
[chuckles]
Uh, could we get some of that tasty punch
for Mr. Hong and the mesmerizing Miss Gin?
[sighs]
So, uh, Mr. Hong from China, huh?
Correct.
- Yep. Businessman?
- Yes.
Yeah, you see? I've done my due diligence.
Oh, here we are.
This punch makes you giddy
for some reason.
Oh, let's chug it down, just for fun.
Okay. What's the harm
in pounding some alcohol-free punch?
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Uh, yes.
[mellow hip-hop music playing]
It's just that, for the first time,
I feel that my parents might be,
you know, kind of proud of me.
[chuckles] Sorry.
And I don't really know
how to embrace that
because the feelings
are kind of new, you know? Sorry.
So I just
I don't know how to respond to that.
Sorry. If that makes any sense.
It does. Totally.
You know what?
I wish you could see yourself
as I see you here.
- I I I was thinking the same thing.
- Oh.
Yes.
When I look at you,
I see a confident young captain
who has the ability
to guide his ship through the storm.
And that is the man
that you will show your parents.
Yes.
And your brother
who, if I can speak freely,
seems like a total asshole.
A A real gaping asshole, that Tanner.
[laughs]
To our new friendship.
And to the future partnership of you two?
[chuckles]
Why don't we get a few more of these
and go into the meeting room?
Yeah?
And take another look
at that presentation.
[laughs]
Great idea.
I'll come with you guys.
I don't even care if you don't want me to.
Would you look at that, Pedro?
I never thought in a million years
that our good captain could be the glue
that could seal the deal on this one. Wow.
I know. They actually love him. Ah.
- What a find. What a find, Liza.
- Yeah.
- Ha.
- And that's on us, eh?
I mean, we picked him.
He is actually a keeper. Hmm!
[hip-hop music echoing in background]
We did it! The cultural-exchange deal
is sealed! Whoo!
Yes, and we've got to document
this historic event, my friends. Come on.
- Sure!
- Oh yes.
[Liza] Okay? Say cheese!
[all] Cheese!
And some children also, please.
Come on, kids. Go on.
- Yup, okay, big smiles.
- Okay.
[automatic gunfire]
He He's okay. Whoo!
[bottle clatters]
[doorbell rings]
[groans]
Knock, knock. I'm coming. I'm coming.
The Steelmeister!
Mike?
Yep. Heard you got divorced,
and I need a wingman.
You used to be the best.
I can thank you for so much punani.
Yeah, well, I'm a different man now. Uh
I T I've been domesticated in a way.
Okay, but I haven't.
I'm still single
and chasing the fur burger
with more eagerness than ever.
[coughs] Good for you, but I don't know.
Look at yourself.
All you guys are the same after a divorce.
So miserable,
and with such a lack of confidence.
You need to put yourself out there,
play the scene.
[sniffs] But first
we need to clean you up.
[inspirational music playing]
Wow. Just wow.
That made me hard.
I would tear the clothes off you
and have passionate sex with you right now
if I weren't so extremely heterosexual.
Okay.
Let's go speed dating, bro.
[mellow dance music playing over PA]
Just lie. That is my best tip.
Say that you're a pediatrician
and that you cry at work every day
because you care too much.
Okay. I mean, I'm not a great liar,
but I guess it's worth a try.
Get in the groove, man. Act sexy. Come on.
Advertise yourself
before the hunting starts, huh?
Ha-ha-ha.
Hmm. [chuckles]
[inhales] Wow.
So those are the "cliff notes"
on your divorce.
And you are also the man
behind the animal rampage
that eventually took 187 lives
and 79 faces plus-minus?
Uh Yeah, that'd be me.
Well, your physical attractiveness
overshadows all that negative stuff.
In fact, I'm glad to hear
you have so many lives on your "conscious"
because we women like bad boys.
- [chuckles]
- Uh
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Wait
- Excuse me.
So do you want to get outta here?
I could clean your house
and make you a nice dinner?
- Dinner
- We could have great sex to top it off.
Oh, sex.
Well, what do you say?
Should we get outta here?
I could have my driver pick us up.
I have a driver because I'm so rich.
Uh-huh. Where have I seen you before?
[dramatic drumroll]
Hello?
Great.
Steelmeister, where you going?
Steelmeister! Don't leave me here
with all these washed-up skanks!
[man] Whoa, not cool, bro!
- Kidding.
- Asshole!
- [dramatic drumroll]
- [bottles clatter]
[suspenseful music playing]
Well, jackhammer me senseless.
It's the same ship.
They just renamed it and painted it.
[chuckles] The head of the snake.
Becker, old friend, it's time to get
the old team back together.
It's showtime.
[music crescendoes, fades]
[smooth jazz music playing]