Carol's Second Act (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
Dr. Mom
1 So the cardiac stress test shows a large perfusion defect, which means the patient needs an angiogram and a cardiology consult.
Excellent job, Dr.
Kenney.
I'm impressed.
You were prepared, focused and clean.
You three, however, were a disgrace.
Tomorrow at rounds, I want to see a higher level of professionalism, preparation and I cannot stress this enough basic hygiene.
Did you see the look Dr.
Jacobs gave me when I mispronounced "thrombocytopenia"? It's the look she normally gives Carol.
You? How about when I said "arthrocentesis" instead of "paracentesis" like a four-year-old? I'm sorry, am I hallucinating because I haven't slept in two days, or are there teddy bears dancing on your scrubs? I haven't had time to wash mine so I stole these from Pediatrics.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, I like them.
Look, they're having a picnic.
(LAUGHS): Oh! That one's got his hand stuck in a jam jar.
Carol, how is it that you just killed it on rounds, and you don't even seem a little bit tired? If you're on drugs, you should really buy enough to share with the group.
I'm not taking anything.
Oh, except my daily Centrum Silver.
You guys are welcome to try them, but I have to warn you, it's a big hit of calcium.
Does being short require less energy? No.
The sleep deprivation thing just isn't new to me.
I was a working mom with two babies, then two toddlers, then two children, then two teenagers.
You had eight kids? Sorry, I'm so tired.
You know, if you guys want, I can help you figure out a better work-life balance.
I'd just like to find time to take a real shower.
You know, helping you guys is helping me, 'cause your deterioration has begun to spread to the lounge.
What are you talking about? That's what I'm talking about.
Could we burn this one down and start over? (BEEP) Okay, to get your lives back on track, we're gonna work together to clean up, like a family.
Can I be the dad that goes out for cigarettes and never comes back? So your solution to us being overworked is more work? Yeah, is this some Karate Kid, wax on, wax off thing? I am not waxing anything.
I didn't do it for my ex, and I'm not doing it for you.
Okay, fine.
Don't accept my help.
Just keep wallowing in your filth and messing up rounds, and someday I'll call you when I need a chiropractor.
No! I'm too pretty to be a chiropractor.
- Tell us what to do.
- That's the spirit.
Look, once the kitchen is clean, we can eat healthier.
Once the couch is free of old banana peels, we can nap on it.
Once our books don't stick to the table, we can Nap on it! Study on it.
Maybe it won't be that much work.
- I mean, it's not so bad in here.
- (KNOCKING) Hey, Mom, I brought you some Oh, my God, what is that? Did someone microwave fish, then microwave broccoli, then die? Maybe.
We're not in here every second of the day, Jenny.
Wow.
Okay, I have a big meeting with Dr.
Frost today, and I do not want this smell on me.
Seriously, guys, it's the kind of smell that could come alive.
It has a weight to it.
- Yep, we're in.
- CAROL: Great.
It's simple.
If you see something that needs doing, do it.
For instance, I will start with replacing this thing.
Caleb will start by replacing this thing.
(GROANS): Oh.
Dennis, I need to be pumped up today.
Do you still have that inspirational quotes calendar? Shh.
You know I don't like people to know I have a softer side.
"Though we cannot control the wind, we can adjust our sails as to use it wisely".
What am I supposed to do with that? What am I, a sea captain? Apply yourself and you can be anything you want to be.
That was from yesterday.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.
I'm pitching drugs to Dr.
Frost today.
He's the only doctor in this hospital I've never been able to sell to.
He's my Red Lobster.
You mean white whale? No, I mean Red Lobster.
I've always wanted to go there, but I can never find one.
Well, he just thinks pharma reps are a bad influence on medicine.
You know, because of the bribes and sexiness.
Uh, that is so unfair.
I mean, sure, some pharma reps are all about bribes, but I'm about honesty and patient care.
I can't help with the sexiness; it's who I am.
Same.
Wow.
This is looking better already.
Look, we can see the couch.
Remember the couch? And I got the TV remote to work again.
Who knew grape jelly and Cheeto dust could form such a paste? It's the human hair that really binds it.
Well, we're working together and our lives are improving.
Well, your lives are improving.
I don't want to say it's because of me, but Carol, of course it's because of you.
Your words, not mine.
No, no, no, no, no! Don't go in there.
I had some hummus the other day.
Turned out to be really old yogurt.
And there are mushrooms in there, but no one bought mushrooms.
But I'm hungry.
Ah, it's hard to be a good vegan in a hospital.
Actually, it's hard to be a good vegan anywhere.
That's what makes it so admirable.
- (PAGER BEEPS) - Oh.
I got to take my tri-gem patient to get an MRI in ten.
Uh, I can start cleaning the fridge or Look, I'll take care of this.
You use that extra ten minutes to get yourself something healthy to eat.
You cannot doctor on an empty stomach.
So much gratefulness, Carol.
A Matcha, Camu Camu, Ashwagandha smoothie sounds so good right now.
So much you're welcome-ness.
Go drink your weird juice.
Hey, Lexie, is my clipboard over there? I need to write out my patient notes.
Lexie? Okay.
I will finish this, and you just take a little nap.
Aw, thanks, Carol.
You're my hero.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
The real heroes are mothers, teachers and doctors.
My, my, my.
Guess I'm a triple threat.
I'm also a triple threat.
Looks, brains looks.
Daniel, there's a sink full of dishes with your name on it.
My patient with a bowel obstruction just threw up on me.
Is it too gross to wash this with the dishes? I'll do the dishes.
You go shower.
(SIGHS) Thanks, Carol.
You're the best.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, if you say so.
I'm just sharing some hard-earned wisdom.
Wisdom learned as a mother, a teacher and a doctor.
Okay, fridge.
Let's dance.
All right, Jennifer.
Our quarterly tête-à -tête is upon us again.
I'm confident there's nothing you're pitching I'm willing to prescribe, but I look forward to watching you try.
I have an effective new topical treatment for psoriasis that people are really talking about.
Mostly people with psoriasis.
I see this is a cream.
You know I prefer a gel.
I do.
It also comes in a gel.
Touché, Ms.
Kenney.
However, this supposed gel appears to be oil-based, which technically makes it an ointment.
And you know how I feel about ointment.
BOTH: It rhymes with "disappointment".
Precisely.
Oh, I do hope that's not all you have.
I've found this less of a tête-à -tête and more of a tête-à -nyet.
Of course that's not all I have.
That was just the opening gambit.
This is my end game.
This is a cholesterol medication I already prescribe.
Mm, precisely.
It's proven effective and now comes in this extended release formula.
That is intriguing.
However (CLEARS THROAT) the current formulation we have is working just fine.
But what if you could do better than just fine? Jennifer, I admire your chutzpah, but we have different motivations.
Yours is to push your products.
Mine is to serve my patients and staff.
(PHONE BEEPS) Ah, would you look at that.
The lungs have arrived.
Caleb, next patient on rounds: room 419.
Symptoms? Abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting.
- Diagnosis? - Acute pancreatitis.
Confirmed by history of smoking.
- Treatment? - Begin with fluids and monitor for cholecystectomy, baby.
Oh, are you guys prepping for rounds? I was just about to do that.
You sound sharp.
We just finished.
It is amazing what sleep can do.
And being clean.
I love being clean.
And washing with water.
Hand sanitizer really burns in places.
Plus, we're using the "Carol study method" you taught us.
Oh, I see that.
I like the look of those color-coded note cards.
I use it all the time, for studying, lesson planning, scheduling.
You know, back when I was a teacher, the principal accused me of having OCD.
And I said, "Organized Carol Disorder? I'll take it!" Carol, don't open that.
It's okay.
I stayed after a few hours last night cleaning it.
The great news is I was ready when the grocery store opened 'cause I got up super early to learn more about hemoglobinopathies for my thalassemia patient.
It's a blood disorder, so guess what color note cards I used.
Blue! Ha.
Gotcha.
Carol, you have a little coffee this morning? Maybe a pot or three.
- So that's your secret.
- CAROL: Well, that's part of it, but it's really about effective time management, which I am modeling for you.
For instance, I've allotted one hour this morning to study up on my new patients for rounds, right after I finish unloading the groceries.
Rounds.
Let's move.
I-I thought rounds were at 8:00.
406 coded and went to surgery.
We got two new admits to the ER, so now they're now.
Does that work for your schedule, Doctor? Yes, of course.
I just thought I'd have more time.
So did 406.
Okay, well, I'm starting to crash, so I'm just gonna get a cup of coffee.
- Now.
- Okay.
Blood work, sputum culture and chest X-ray all confirm the diagnosis of community acquired pneumonia.
The recommended course of treatment is empiric ceftriaxone and azithromycin.
Excellent work.
You three have certainly stepped it up, both in medicine and odor.
Dr.
Kenney, your patient.
Uh, yes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, um, as you can see, uh, this patient presents as, uh, male.
(LAUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Um Now, you'll all notice that his illness is not visible to the naked eye.
And that's why they call us internists, (CHUCKLES): because the medicine is inside.
Let's skip past the definition of internal medicine.
That's smart.
Yeah, okay.
Um, you know what? I am not gonna "doctor-splain" this patient's illness to him.
Sir, why don't you just fill us in.
Me? Yeah.
Just take ownership of your health care experience.
Well, um, I had a hemorrhoid, and it burst.
Then it got infected because I didn't get it looked at, because I was too embarrassed to talk about it.
Right.
Hemorrhoid Henry.
Dr.
Kenney! Um, oh, the-the blood panel revealed leukocytosis, indicating an infection and Enough, Dr.
Kenney.
Dr.
Kutcher? Recommended course of treatment for his perirectal abscess is ciprofloxacin, a sitz bath and a topical steroid.
Dr.
Kutcher, this is now your patient.
W-Wait.
I-I know this case.
I-I didn't just I didn't have a chance to review.
(SIGHING) I am so sorry I called you Hemorrhoid Henry.
It's a mnemonic device.
I'd like to go to a different hospital.
Oh, sweet.
Mile High Crew is on.
It's this reality show about flight crew members who hook up on a private jet.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Flying private is terrible for the environment.
This show's so stupid.
- I love it.
- (LAUGHS) TV ANNOUNCER: Looks like the trays aren't the only things in the upright position.
(DANIEL AND LEXIE LAUGH) Okay, guys, guys, can you turn that down? If you remember, I had a patient taken away.
I need to review.
Just a little treat since we crushed it today.
Oh, sorry.
I mean, "we".
Oh, but thanks again, Carol.
We were rested and sharp.
It was like, "Foom-foom-foom! Doctor-doctor-doctor!" Again, I'm glad you did well, but I have to work.
How could I forget hemorrhoids? I've had them.
Ew.
Why are you eating junk from the vending machine? I just stocked the fridge with healthy groceries.
That peanut butter you bought is all oily on top.
(SIGHS) So stir it.
That seems like a whole thing.
(LAUGHTER) Can you all just please keep it down? Oh, yeah, sure.
Sorry.
TV ANNOUNCER: Angelique is in the galley.
Oh, but Boris is also in the galley.
Boris is also in the galley.
CALEB/DANIEL/LEXIE: Oh ! - No! - Okay, that's it! I've had it! Whoa, what is up her butt? Hemorrhoids, apparently.
(LAUGHS) What is up my butt? I will tell you what's up my butt.
I made a fool of myself on rounds because I spent the entire day helping you.
And here you are, eating junk food and watching soft-core porn.
I'm the only one who does anything around here.
I give and give and give, and you take and take and take.
And you don't even do me the courtesy of shutting up for five minutes! So here's what's going to happen.
No more TV! You just unplugged the coffee maker.
Damn it! No more coffee or TV! And you won't get any more coffee or TV until Um, Mom, I heard yelling.
What is going on? Jenny, I am so glad you are here to witness this parade of lazy filth people! Mom, come with me.
You can tell me all about the lazy filth people.
(QUIETLY): What did you do to her? (DOOR SLAMS) I cleaned that lounge, I helped them with their work-life balance, and all they did was eat junk food and giggle at the word "cockpit".
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
But come on.
They knew it when they named it.
Can we focus? We can.
Just help me understand what we're focusing on.
Did they ask you for help? No, I offered.
But I had to.
Those kids can't take care of themselves.
Their lives were falling apart without me.
But I can't do everything for them.
I mean, what am I, their mother? Kind of sounds like it.
And it kind of sounds like it's affecting your work.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Maybe I have been taking on more than I need to, but I've always taken on a lot, and I've never struggled like this before.
But you've never been a doctor before.
Being a high school science teacher isn't quite as demanding.
I don't care what anyone says.
Teaching the sexual reproduction cycle to a bunch of hormonal 14-year-olds is the hardest thing that anyone can do.
But you have a point.
And I know your interns seem young and helpless, but they're not your kids or your students.
They're your peers.
Yesterday, one of my peers had his shirt tucked into his underpants.
Everyone learns at their own pace.
They're not your responsibility.
Okay, I'll stop mom-ing my coworkers.
But I can't stop cold turkey, so just give me a fix.
How was your day, sweetie? (SIGHS) Not great.
I just don't think I'll ever sell to Dr.
Frost.
He doesn't take me seriously.
Oh, don't take that personally.
He's a doctors' doctor.
He only listens to other medical professionals.
That's exactly right.
Thank you.
I got to go.
Wait, is that it? Do you need money? Do you have a sweater? I'm so proud of you, honey! Dr.
Frost, I'm leaving to see Dr.
Cooke at St.
Francis.
Last chance to order my cholesterol med.
No, thank you.
Oh, tell ol' Cooke that his backhand is as frightening as his ponytail.
(LAUGHS) I will not.
But before I go, I do have a few more questions.
- Ask away.
- Not for you.
Dennis, as a medical professional, how much of your day is spent administering medication to patients? Too much.
And how much time is spent readministering that same med because it's worn off? Oh, it cuts into my bathroom breaks.
(QUIETLY): It's how I got that UTI.
That was a doozy.
So what if I told you there's an extended release option of your most popular cholesterol medication? I'd say, uh, give it to me now.
So a medication with a longer duration of action would help both the nursing staff and your patients.
That is true.
Hey, I-I'm not playing.
You both make excellent points.
Which, incidentally, is what the two triangles said to each other.
(LAUGHS) Jennifer check and mate.
I will give it a chance.
Thank you, Dr.
Frost.
Very impressive.
You couldn't change the direction of the wind, but you adjusted your sails to use it wisely.
(SIGHS) You read the calendar, too? Jennifer, I wrote the calendar.
Oh.
There you are.
Don't pull any cords around here.
People could die.
I want to apologize.
I shouldn't have yelled and called you lazy filth people.
That was hurtful but, in retrospect, accurate.
We didn't mean to take advantage of you.
It was just nice being taken care of for a second.
You're a good mom.
Oh.
Well, old habits die hard.
And like actual motherhood, it got tiring and had consequences.
We get it.
You have hemorrhoids.
Well, from now on, my only responsibility is to my patients.
Speaking of which, I need to prep for rounds.
Actually, uh, we made you something to say sorry.
What's this? We did your pre-rounds.
You have a patient with COPD exacerbation.
Those cards have everything you need to know about COPD.
We left out the patient's gender though, 'cause we know you're really good at diagnosing that.
Aw, thanks.
And I know exactly how I'm gonna use my extra time.
Resetting the clock on the coffee machine? No.
I want to watch that show with all the dimwits on the airplane.
I'm gonna need you guys to walk me through it.
Is everyone bisexual or just some? Oh, Carol.
You've come to the right place.
Oh! - Oh, no! (LAUGHS) - Ladies and gentShe did it! But Angelique is married.
Yeah, but her husband's terrible.
And in the sky, it doesn't count.
I still don't approve.
Wow, that is a sturdy drink cart.
You've got to see it during turbulence.
What on earth do you guy Oh, God, she's back with Boris? Mm.
Never mind.
Let's move.
Excellent job, Dr.
Kenney.
I'm impressed.
You were prepared, focused and clean.
You three, however, were a disgrace.
Tomorrow at rounds, I want to see a higher level of professionalism, preparation and I cannot stress this enough basic hygiene.
Did you see the look Dr.
Jacobs gave me when I mispronounced "thrombocytopenia"? It's the look she normally gives Carol.
You? How about when I said "arthrocentesis" instead of "paracentesis" like a four-year-old? I'm sorry, am I hallucinating because I haven't slept in two days, or are there teddy bears dancing on your scrubs? I haven't had time to wash mine so I stole these from Pediatrics.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, I like them.
Look, they're having a picnic.
(LAUGHS): Oh! That one's got his hand stuck in a jam jar.
Carol, how is it that you just killed it on rounds, and you don't even seem a little bit tired? If you're on drugs, you should really buy enough to share with the group.
I'm not taking anything.
Oh, except my daily Centrum Silver.
You guys are welcome to try them, but I have to warn you, it's a big hit of calcium.
Does being short require less energy? No.
The sleep deprivation thing just isn't new to me.
I was a working mom with two babies, then two toddlers, then two children, then two teenagers.
You had eight kids? Sorry, I'm so tired.
You know, if you guys want, I can help you figure out a better work-life balance.
I'd just like to find time to take a real shower.
You know, helping you guys is helping me, 'cause your deterioration has begun to spread to the lounge.
What are you talking about? That's what I'm talking about.
Could we burn this one down and start over? (BEEP) Okay, to get your lives back on track, we're gonna work together to clean up, like a family.
Can I be the dad that goes out for cigarettes and never comes back? So your solution to us being overworked is more work? Yeah, is this some Karate Kid, wax on, wax off thing? I am not waxing anything.
I didn't do it for my ex, and I'm not doing it for you.
Okay, fine.
Don't accept my help.
Just keep wallowing in your filth and messing up rounds, and someday I'll call you when I need a chiropractor.
No! I'm too pretty to be a chiropractor.
- Tell us what to do.
- That's the spirit.
Look, once the kitchen is clean, we can eat healthier.
Once the couch is free of old banana peels, we can nap on it.
Once our books don't stick to the table, we can Nap on it! Study on it.
Maybe it won't be that much work.
- I mean, it's not so bad in here.
- (KNOCKING) Hey, Mom, I brought you some Oh, my God, what is that? Did someone microwave fish, then microwave broccoli, then die? Maybe.
We're not in here every second of the day, Jenny.
Wow.
Okay, I have a big meeting with Dr.
Frost today, and I do not want this smell on me.
Seriously, guys, it's the kind of smell that could come alive.
It has a weight to it.
- Yep, we're in.
- CAROL: Great.
It's simple.
If you see something that needs doing, do it.
For instance, I will start with replacing this thing.
Caleb will start by replacing this thing.
(GROANS): Oh.
Dennis, I need to be pumped up today.
Do you still have that inspirational quotes calendar? Shh.
You know I don't like people to know I have a softer side.
"Though we cannot control the wind, we can adjust our sails as to use it wisely".
What am I supposed to do with that? What am I, a sea captain? Apply yourself and you can be anything you want to be.
That was from yesterday.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.
I'm pitching drugs to Dr.
Frost today.
He's the only doctor in this hospital I've never been able to sell to.
He's my Red Lobster.
You mean white whale? No, I mean Red Lobster.
I've always wanted to go there, but I can never find one.
Well, he just thinks pharma reps are a bad influence on medicine.
You know, because of the bribes and sexiness.
Uh, that is so unfair.
I mean, sure, some pharma reps are all about bribes, but I'm about honesty and patient care.
I can't help with the sexiness; it's who I am.
Same.
Wow.
This is looking better already.
Look, we can see the couch.
Remember the couch? And I got the TV remote to work again.
Who knew grape jelly and Cheeto dust could form such a paste? It's the human hair that really binds it.
Well, we're working together and our lives are improving.
Well, your lives are improving.
I don't want to say it's because of me, but Carol, of course it's because of you.
Your words, not mine.
No, no, no, no, no! Don't go in there.
I had some hummus the other day.
Turned out to be really old yogurt.
And there are mushrooms in there, but no one bought mushrooms.
But I'm hungry.
Ah, it's hard to be a good vegan in a hospital.
Actually, it's hard to be a good vegan anywhere.
That's what makes it so admirable.
- (PAGER BEEPS) - Oh.
I got to take my tri-gem patient to get an MRI in ten.
Uh, I can start cleaning the fridge or Look, I'll take care of this.
You use that extra ten minutes to get yourself something healthy to eat.
You cannot doctor on an empty stomach.
So much gratefulness, Carol.
A Matcha, Camu Camu, Ashwagandha smoothie sounds so good right now.
So much you're welcome-ness.
Go drink your weird juice.
Hey, Lexie, is my clipboard over there? I need to write out my patient notes.
Lexie? Okay.
I will finish this, and you just take a little nap.
Aw, thanks, Carol.
You're my hero.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
The real heroes are mothers, teachers and doctors.
My, my, my.
Guess I'm a triple threat.
I'm also a triple threat.
Looks, brains looks.
Daniel, there's a sink full of dishes with your name on it.
My patient with a bowel obstruction just threw up on me.
Is it too gross to wash this with the dishes? I'll do the dishes.
You go shower.
(SIGHS) Thanks, Carol.
You're the best.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, if you say so.
I'm just sharing some hard-earned wisdom.
Wisdom learned as a mother, a teacher and a doctor.
Okay, fridge.
Let's dance.
All right, Jennifer.
Our quarterly tête-à -tête is upon us again.
I'm confident there's nothing you're pitching I'm willing to prescribe, but I look forward to watching you try.
I have an effective new topical treatment for psoriasis that people are really talking about.
Mostly people with psoriasis.
I see this is a cream.
You know I prefer a gel.
I do.
It also comes in a gel.
Touché, Ms.
Kenney.
However, this supposed gel appears to be oil-based, which technically makes it an ointment.
And you know how I feel about ointment.
BOTH: It rhymes with "disappointment".
Precisely.
Oh, I do hope that's not all you have.
I've found this less of a tête-à -tête and more of a tête-à -nyet.
Of course that's not all I have.
That was just the opening gambit.
This is my end game.
This is a cholesterol medication I already prescribe.
Mm, precisely.
It's proven effective and now comes in this extended release formula.
That is intriguing.
However (CLEARS THROAT) the current formulation we have is working just fine.
But what if you could do better than just fine? Jennifer, I admire your chutzpah, but we have different motivations.
Yours is to push your products.
Mine is to serve my patients and staff.
(PHONE BEEPS) Ah, would you look at that.
The lungs have arrived.
Caleb, next patient on rounds: room 419.
Symptoms? Abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting.
- Diagnosis? - Acute pancreatitis.
Confirmed by history of smoking.
- Treatment? - Begin with fluids and monitor for cholecystectomy, baby.
Oh, are you guys prepping for rounds? I was just about to do that.
You sound sharp.
We just finished.
It is amazing what sleep can do.
And being clean.
I love being clean.
And washing with water.
Hand sanitizer really burns in places.
Plus, we're using the "Carol study method" you taught us.
Oh, I see that.
I like the look of those color-coded note cards.
I use it all the time, for studying, lesson planning, scheduling.
You know, back when I was a teacher, the principal accused me of having OCD.
And I said, "Organized Carol Disorder? I'll take it!" Carol, don't open that.
It's okay.
I stayed after a few hours last night cleaning it.
The great news is I was ready when the grocery store opened 'cause I got up super early to learn more about hemoglobinopathies for my thalassemia patient.
It's a blood disorder, so guess what color note cards I used.
Blue! Ha.
Gotcha.
Carol, you have a little coffee this morning? Maybe a pot or three.
- So that's your secret.
- CAROL: Well, that's part of it, but it's really about effective time management, which I am modeling for you.
For instance, I've allotted one hour this morning to study up on my new patients for rounds, right after I finish unloading the groceries.
Rounds.
Let's move.
I-I thought rounds were at 8:00.
406 coded and went to surgery.
We got two new admits to the ER, so now they're now.
Does that work for your schedule, Doctor? Yes, of course.
I just thought I'd have more time.
So did 406.
Okay, well, I'm starting to crash, so I'm just gonna get a cup of coffee.
- Now.
- Okay.
Blood work, sputum culture and chest X-ray all confirm the diagnosis of community acquired pneumonia.
The recommended course of treatment is empiric ceftriaxone and azithromycin.
Excellent work.
You three have certainly stepped it up, both in medicine and odor.
Dr.
Kenney, your patient.
Uh, yes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, um, as you can see, uh, this patient presents as, uh, male.
(LAUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Um Now, you'll all notice that his illness is not visible to the naked eye.
And that's why they call us internists, (CHUCKLES): because the medicine is inside.
Let's skip past the definition of internal medicine.
That's smart.
Yeah, okay.
Um, you know what? I am not gonna "doctor-splain" this patient's illness to him.
Sir, why don't you just fill us in.
Me? Yeah.
Just take ownership of your health care experience.
Well, um, I had a hemorrhoid, and it burst.
Then it got infected because I didn't get it looked at, because I was too embarrassed to talk about it.
Right.
Hemorrhoid Henry.
Dr.
Kenney! Um, oh, the-the blood panel revealed leukocytosis, indicating an infection and Enough, Dr.
Kenney.
Dr.
Kutcher? Recommended course of treatment for his perirectal abscess is ciprofloxacin, a sitz bath and a topical steroid.
Dr.
Kutcher, this is now your patient.
W-Wait.
I-I know this case.
I-I didn't just I didn't have a chance to review.
(SIGHING) I am so sorry I called you Hemorrhoid Henry.
It's a mnemonic device.
I'd like to go to a different hospital.
Oh, sweet.
Mile High Crew is on.
It's this reality show about flight crew members who hook up on a private jet.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Flying private is terrible for the environment.
This show's so stupid.
- I love it.
- (LAUGHS) TV ANNOUNCER: Looks like the trays aren't the only things in the upright position.
(DANIEL AND LEXIE LAUGH) Okay, guys, guys, can you turn that down? If you remember, I had a patient taken away.
I need to review.
Just a little treat since we crushed it today.
Oh, sorry.
I mean, "we".
Oh, but thanks again, Carol.
We were rested and sharp.
It was like, "Foom-foom-foom! Doctor-doctor-doctor!" Again, I'm glad you did well, but I have to work.
How could I forget hemorrhoids? I've had them.
Ew.
Why are you eating junk from the vending machine? I just stocked the fridge with healthy groceries.
That peanut butter you bought is all oily on top.
(SIGHS) So stir it.
That seems like a whole thing.
(LAUGHTER) Can you all just please keep it down? Oh, yeah, sure.
Sorry.
TV ANNOUNCER: Angelique is in the galley.
Oh, but Boris is also in the galley.
Boris is also in the galley.
CALEB/DANIEL/LEXIE: Oh ! - No! - Okay, that's it! I've had it! Whoa, what is up her butt? Hemorrhoids, apparently.
(LAUGHS) What is up my butt? I will tell you what's up my butt.
I made a fool of myself on rounds because I spent the entire day helping you.
And here you are, eating junk food and watching soft-core porn.
I'm the only one who does anything around here.
I give and give and give, and you take and take and take.
And you don't even do me the courtesy of shutting up for five minutes! So here's what's going to happen.
No more TV! You just unplugged the coffee maker.
Damn it! No more coffee or TV! And you won't get any more coffee or TV until Um, Mom, I heard yelling.
What is going on? Jenny, I am so glad you are here to witness this parade of lazy filth people! Mom, come with me.
You can tell me all about the lazy filth people.
(QUIETLY): What did you do to her? (DOOR SLAMS) I cleaned that lounge, I helped them with their work-life balance, and all they did was eat junk food and giggle at the word "cockpit".
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
But come on.
They knew it when they named it.
Can we focus? We can.
Just help me understand what we're focusing on.
Did they ask you for help? No, I offered.
But I had to.
Those kids can't take care of themselves.
Their lives were falling apart without me.
But I can't do everything for them.
I mean, what am I, their mother? Kind of sounds like it.
And it kind of sounds like it's affecting your work.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Maybe I have been taking on more than I need to, but I've always taken on a lot, and I've never struggled like this before.
But you've never been a doctor before.
Being a high school science teacher isn't quite as demanding.
I don't care what anyone says.
Teaching the sexual reproduction cycle to a bunch of hormonal 14-year-olds is the hardest thing that anyone can do.
But you have a point.
And I know your interns seem young and helpless, but they're not your kids or your students.
They're your peers.
Yesterday, one of my peers had his shirt tucked into his underpants.
Everyone learns at their own pace.
They're not your responsibility.
Okay, I'll stop mom-ing my coworkers.
But I can't stop cold turkey, so just give me a fix.
How was your day, sweetie? (SIGHS) Not great.
I just don't think I'll ever sell to Dr.
Frost.
He doesn't take me seriously.
Oh, don't take that personally.
He's a doctors' doctor.
He only listens to other medical professionals.
That's exactly right.
Thank you.
I got to go.
Wait, is that it? Do you need money? Do you have a sweater? I'm so proud of you, honey! Dr.
Frost, I'm leaving to see Dr.
Cooke at St.
Francis.
Last chance to order my cholesterol med.
No, thank you.
Oh, tell ol' Cooke that his backhand is as frightening as his ponytail.
(LAUGHS) I will not.
But before I go, I do have a few more questions.
- Ask away.
- Not for you.
Dennis, as a medical professional, how much of your day is spent administering medication to patients? Too much.
And how much time is spent readministering that same med because it's worn off? Oh, it cuts into my bathroom breaks.
(QUIETLY): It's how I got that UTI.
That was a doozy.
So what if I told you there's an extended release option of your most popular cholesterol medication? I'd say, uh, give it to me now.
So a medication with a longer duration of action would help both the nursing staff and your patients.
That is true.
Hey, I-I'm not playing.
You both make excellent points.
Which, incidentally, is what the two triangles said to each other.
(LAUGHS) Jennifer check and mate.
I will give it a chance.
Thank you, Dr.
Frost.
Very impressive.
You couldn't change the direction of the wind, but you adjusted your sails to use it wisely.
(SIGHS) You read the calendar, too? Jennifer, I wrote the calendar.
Oh.
There you are.
Don't pull any cords around here.
People could die.
I want to apologize.
I shouldn't have yelled and called you lazy filth people.
That was hurtful but, in retrospect, accurate.
We didn't mean to take advantage of you.
It was just nice being taken care of for a second.
You're a good mom.
Oh.
Well, old habits die hard.
And like actual motherhood, it got tiring and had consequences.
We get it.
You have hemorrhoids.
Well, from now on, my only responsibility is to my patients.
Speaking of which, I need to prep for rounds.
Actually, uh, we made you something to say sorry.
What's this? We did your pre-rounds.
You have a patient with COPD exacerbation.
Those cards have everything you need to know about COPD.
We left out the patient's gender though, 'cause we know you're really good at diagnosing that.
Aw, thanks.
And I know exactly how I'm gonna use my extra time.
Resetting the clock on the coffee machine? No.
I want to watch that show with all the dimwits on the airplane.
I'm gonna need you guys to walk me through it.
Is everyone bisexual or just some? Oh, Carol.
You've come to the right place.
Oh! - Oh, no! (LAUGHS) - Ladies and gentShe did it! But Angelique is married.
Yeah, but her husband's terrible.
And in the sky, it doesn't count.
I still don't approve.
Wow, that is a sturdy drink cart.
You've got to see it during turbulence.
What on earth do you guy Oh, God, she's back with Boris? Mm.
Never mind.
Let's move.