Carpoolers (2007) s01e07 Episode Script

sexual harassment is unwelcome-- verbal,visual and physical conduct of a sexual nature that is severe and affects working conditions why are you taking notes? Just trying to play the man's game.
You mean the blonde man with the nice legs? Look,I hate authority figures.
They always make me feel like I've done something wrong, and I haven't done anything wrong.
I haven't thought anything wrong.
I haven't done anything wrong.
Do you see this woman? Yes,I'm seeing her.
It's the seminar leader,yes.
Sexual harassment can cost you your job and your office space-- and your kids.
I'm going to nail her.
Oh,man! You're gonna nail the sexual harassment officer? Do not treat your colleagues like sexual objects.
Look at the way her thighs quiver as she moves.
Did you hear what she said? You're gonna be practicing dentistry out of the back of a van.
Look at her.
She's great.
She's a leader.
She's committed to a cause-- and she's so hot,you could drink champagne out of her navel.
Yeah,I'm--I'm,uh,merely parroting what my friend here might say.
We're going to be looking for a few of you to stand up and volunteer to be harassment captains.
And there's our volunteeR.
As harassment captain why did you just volunteer? if you don't want to get stung,align yourself with the queen bee.
I'd like to make r buzz.
Oh,gosh.
I'm gonna have a stroke.
marmaduke,what are you doing? Just having some peanut butter tea before I start my day in earnest.
That's a donny darmajian mug! I know.
I found it on our doorstep.
He's one of my biggest rivals.
He sells all these houses by giving away hot tubs and microwaves-- and excellent mugs.
Feel how it's contoured to fit your hand.
Stop it.
How am I gonna compete with this? Well,the latest trend in advertising is having somebody stand on the street and spin a sign.
It creates buzz,heat,hoopla.
Should I learn this new art form so as to help you sell your house? It's not the worst idea I've ever heard.
And that's all the encouragement I need.
hi.
Hi.
Hey there.
I am,uh Am I allowed to tell you my name,or is that inappropriate? no,you can tell me your name.
I am laird.
I'm dorrit.
Your,uh,little speech really opened my eyes,and I'll tell you why.
I was in a long relationship-- consensual-- which ended inivorce-- consensual.
I haven't been in the dating scene for quite some time now, and everything's just moving so fast.
So I've been getting a lot of attention from,uh,well,let's just say it's not very appropriate.
Do you think you're being harassed? I might be.
I'm not sure.
Because if you think that you are,this might warrant further investigation.
Deep investigation if--if you think that's the right thing to do.
I will be in touch,laird.
"Touch.
" May I? Of course.
I'll be watching you.
Thank you.
I am equally disgusted and impressed.
Leila.
What a surprise.
Thank you so much for coming by.
Okay.
I'm changing my image.
A makeover? Leila,I would be honored.
Not that.
You're a good gift wrapper,right? Well,I did win the golden bow contest.
I have my own wrapping station and can cut ribbon with my teeth, so I'd say I'm okay.
Great.
Now if it's too much,I completely understand.
But I need you to wrap 50 espresso machines I'm giving away at my open house in an hour.
And the hard part is? Well hey! Check out the swag.
It's a big responsibility,laird.
I monitor carnal indiscretions and wayward banter.
So you're a snitch.
No,he's not a snitch.
Thank you.
If he was a snitch,he'd tell on me when I did this Hey,laird,what are these things? Hey,those are video goggles,state-of-the-art-- the perfect home theater experience.
ooh,ja.
laird,this is pornography.
In high-definition,baby.
okay.
This--this isn't right for a man who goes home to a wife.
And yet that's the market.
Go figure.
What is this stuff doing in your office? Whoa,whoa,whoa,please be careful.
Very valuable.
Well,what is it? It is my box o' porn! Yeah! Hey,laird,what is that doing here? It's my vintage swiss erotica.
The swiss don't just make great chocolate,you know.
Laird,I am harass captain,and I'll be forced to confiscate that box.
Oh,come on.
You don't have the guts.
-Yes,I do.
Come on.
Take it.
-Touch my box o' porn.
-I will touch it.
Come on,smell it.
Come on.
There you go.
Go confiscate it down to my car.
-I'm confiscating it.
-Go.
I'm harass captain.
go ahead.
-Oh,boy.
-I'm so sorry.
Oh,no.
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to confiscate it.
-I-I'm harass captain.
-Is this Don't take my job.
oh,boy.
Wait! it's not my porn.
The long-stem roses,please.
Red.
How much? Uh,I'll take the short-stem,very short-stem roses.
Thank you.
Please tell me you're not ordering roses for that sexual harassment officer.
Whoa.
Labels.
She's actually a person.
didn't you listen to a word the woman said? You know,I've got a transcript.
Maybe you should read it.
Honestly,I'm tired of everybody in this car judging me because my lifestyle is different than theirs.
That's what you call it-- a lifestyle? Can't get that pornographic movie out of my head.
It just keeps playing and playing.
Oh,I think I'm turning into laird.
Attaboy.
You're learning fast.
look,you guys just don't get it.
This is my greatest challenge ever.
Anybody can sleep with A a dental rep who's on the rebound or a plus-size model.
We're talking about a sexual harassment officer.
Come on! It's like breaking into an alarm company or-- or climbing mount everest to get to th fruit at the top.
Yeah,when you get that fruit,and we're gonna get fired! You leave that fruit alone! You don't touch that fruit! leave it alone! Let it rot! Be sure to drink plenty of water and sell my house.
I won't let you down.
Okay.
Excuse me,miss.
Real estate by leila.
Go buy her house or perish.
Leila brooker.
What do u think you're doing? Spinning a sign.
Look like the sign is spinning you.
What's it to you? You're embarrassing that sign.
Give me your board.
Mm,not bad.
There's not a lot of speed on it,but then again,you're not ready for speed.
But do I want speed? Do you want to live free? Does a canary sing at-- yes,I do.
Well,this sign will catch you some good air,but you have to treat it with respect.
How do I show my sign respect? I sh the sign respect By how I spin the sign? My left hand tells a ory while my right hand defies gravity.
That's what I'm talkin' about! I got my first honk.
You will never forget it.
Thank you,street poet.
You got it.
hi.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
Oh,I-is it okay if I come in?Am I allowed? No,plse,come on in.
Oh,thank you.
Someone just sent me these.
Another employee? Not sure if it's right to say.
I'm so confused.
But there is a card.
"Hottie.
"laird,the word is out "that you are a very fiery and attentive lover.
I know that you are only looking for a committed " uh,there's another card.
Sorry.
Continues there.
Uh,"situation,but I don't care about your wishes.
"You will be mine.
I will make love to you,first gently,then with some cruelty.
" It--it frightens me that there's someone out there that knows what kind of lover I am.
Is this harassment?I have no idea.
Yeah,this is harassment.
Classic and creepy.
Oh,it is.
I've just been out of the dating pool for so many years now.
How do you feel? I am tired of being objectified.
I know I have perfect abdominal muscles that come naturally from dentistry, but I also have a heart-- a soft,beautiful,wounded heart that currently belongs to no one.
But I don't want to be a victim.
Yeah,it sounds like we need to do a lot of work together.
Explain this! You can rinse.
Ah,it sort of explains itself,doesn't it? I walked around an hour before I noticed what this was.
Well,you should learn not to take your coat off when you sit down to have a coffee.
So it was you! you think it's so funny? Yes.
now who's the ass captain? You are the ass captain.
Yes,I'm the ass captain! That's right! it hurts.
Yeah,it hurts,don't it? Get off me! I don't want this! You do want it! -Don't force me! -You like it now,don't you? please! lose something? Just my sign.
I didn't see a sign-- just garbage.
You're the darmajian bums,aren't you? Yes,and this is our street.
So beat it.
Are you threatening my person? he's not going anywhere.
That's right.
You guys don't own the wind.
Are you challenging us? That's right.
Spin-off.
You're going down-- you and your gigantic friend.
We'll see you at high noon.
A spin-off? I don't know if I'm ready.
You know how I know you're ready? Because you said you're not.
That makes little to no sense.
But I trust you.
Thank you,street poet.
Right on,my brother.
Hey,baby.
Leila's given away about 80 of these at her open house.
It feels so good to help her.
Cindy? I cheated on you.
You what? It happened yesterday for about 15 seconds.
That's all it took? what was her name? I don't know.
She was credited as "woman milking goat.
" There was a goat? It was an erotic film in laird's office.
I watched it,and I saw this woman naked.
Oh,my gosh.
Was she prettier than me? No.
It's the baby weight,isn't it? No! I have to see her.
You do? I do.
-What's up? -I need something from you.
Gas money? You know that's not my scene,man.
No,no.
I need that adult-themed video.
I need that.
You dog! just give it to him,laird! All right,hold your horses,honey.
What's up with her? Video.
Thank you.
there are a bunch of videos in here, so you guys are gonna have to sort through all this -hey,thank you -pornography.
Very much.
Enjoy my pornography,cindy! We will enjoy your photography.
That's vintage swiss pornography.
Shut up,laird! Hey,dave.
Hey,becky.
Aubrey,I need to talk to you about a personal matter.
We should probably step into your office.
After you.
You're under investigation for sexual harassment.
m-mr.
Williger? Aubrey,I am going to ask you a few questions about what you've done and why.
Think carefully before answering.
I will think,long and hard.
Oh,man! This is just like when I waa kid,and I had to go to principal weiner's office.
Oh,man,I said "weiner.
" I mean,that was really his name.
Aubrey,no one wants to work in a hostile environment, and when I think someone's contributing to that,I step in.
Am I gonna need a lawyer? Because I don't do well with authority figures.
I mean,not that you're a figure.
I mean,you have a figure--not that I noticed your nice figure.
Oh,man! Wow,is your coat actually sweating? Y-yeah.
I'm gonna need your badge.
Oh,man.
Okay.
Don't leave town,and remember,I'll be watching.
I understand,and I'll be on my best behavior.
You'll see.
Don't worry about me at all,okay? I,uh,wasn't looking at her cleavage.
I don't know how big those were.
oh,man.
okay.
hey.
Hello.
mm,teacher'sride I didn't mean it! I was trying to push the button.
Gotta get on the elevator.
oh,no.
I didn't do anything! I don't know how much longer I cado this.
If you feel like you can't do it,then you can.
That also makes little to no sense.
But it gives me an idea.
he knocked him out! great job,honey.
Wait.
Where's street poet? Who? The little man who's helping me sign-spin.
He was my mentor.
Wait a minute.
Did he ever exist at all? Or was he a figment of my imagination,a yoda-like image that I conjured-- he's right over there.
See?Wave.
even his good-bye has a lesson.
That's you.
You're leila brooker.
I know.
I look younger than the picture.
Get that all the time.
So we just toured your open house.
But we didn't get a gift.
They said you ran out of them.
I'm so embarrassed.
But you like my house? -Oh,we love it.
-Oh,good.
But donny darmajian is offering us a hot-air balloon if we buy his house.
Is he now? I'll just get your address,and I'll get a gift to you personally.
Oh,hey,laird.
Are you busy? Anything can wait now that you're here.
I know you've been through a lot.
Yes,I've been dragged through the mud,but I'm still clean.
Actually,laird,I would like a chance to get to know you a little better outside of the work environment.
Really? I'm done working at 7:00.
Can you come to my office? Of course.
Fruit at the top.
are you sure you want to do this? Well,if you need to watch movies like this,the only woman I want you to see is me.
Are you ready? That's really good.
All righty.
All right.
action.
where should I put my hand? I will--yes.
-it's them! -What?Who? The porn police.
We're maki pornography.
How could they know? The patriot act! Oh,god.
Laird's box-- we have to hide it! Where do we put it? Put it in the closet.
No,that's the first place they'll check.
Do you think this is their first porn raid? -I'll wrap it.
-Good idea.
You get the door.
leila! Oh,gosh.
It's so good to see you! Listen,sorry to just drop by like this -what?Wait.
-But I need one of my espresso machines.
Very good.
Oh,no,no,no,no,no.
You--you can't have it.
Why not? Um,because I-- it's hideously wrapped.
-Hideously.
-Hideous.
Oh,cindy,you are much too hard on yourself.
Thanks again.
I'm sure my clients will be so excited.
Should we go after her? And ask for our porn back? I'd rather move.
Dorrit? I'm here for my appointment.
oh,there he is.
That's the one I was telling you about.
What is going on here? I could tell from the interview that aubrey wasn't someone who was a harasser.
So I asked around.
No woman who worked with him even knew who he was, but your name came up a lot.
I told dorrit,laird.
I told her everything.
I told her about your plans with her,how you said you were gonna nail her and what you did to my button and how you talk about girls' butts and stuff and then that one time you stole that pencil.
I said everything.
I'm sorry! I didn't want any of my kids to be taken away.
I don't want to go to jail! They'll shiv me! I,uh,I may have inadvertently sullied my friend's reputation to get to know you better,dorrit.
You are a fantastic woman.
That's what you said about me.
-You are.
-and me,too.
You all are.
I appreciate all of you,and not one any less than the other.
Isn't that truly equal? (Chuckles) you're not the real victims here today.
We're all the real victims-- victims paralyzed by the sexual harassment laws written in the 1980s that have not kept up with the times.
Things are a lot more open now.
Society's challenging us.
I am not going to fade under their glare.
No,ma'am,not me.
Not I.
so I-I guess there's,um,there's not a chance for you and I to no.
no.
You all know why you're here.
You're all here for mandatory sensitivity training.
Now the first rule in sensitivity training is beonone'Sbestbehavior-- "booby.
" "Booby.
" Say it with me.
booby! Oh,man.
We lovthe house.
And we really lovethe neighborhood.
Oh,well,location,location,location.
We weren't sure how acceptingthe neighborhood would be of our lifestyle, but once we got your gift,we knew we'd found the right place.
We're making an offer.
-Oh,great! -So thank you.
Can't wait.
-Oh,thank you.
-Oh,pardon me.
Hi,how are ya? That's my husband.
Okay.
he's a bit small.
-But he'll do.
-Oh,good.
Did you hear the great news?They're gonna be our new neighbors.
Nice.
keep swinging! keep swinging,y two.
We will.
Get inside.
I-I'm not absolutely positive,but I think they wanna do us.