Cavendish (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

1 - Ruth, this thing weighs a ton.
- A large energy crystal can pack a very powerful punch, Rollie.
I guess it's true what they say, "Size does matter.
" (Mark): Oh, my God! Oh, my goodness! - Dad, what are you doing? - What am I doing?! Oh, I'm just playing a quick game of tennis with Venus Williams here.
Alright, Venus? - I don't understand the joke.
- Dr.
Green said you shouldn't be doing any strenuous activity.
Put that down! I cannot just put this down anywhere.
A poorly placed crystal is a What is it, Ruth? Weapon in the hands of the universe.
It's a weapon in the hands of the universe! Dad, don't tell me you're falling for that crap.
It's not crap, Andy.
A lot of very cool celebs are into crystals: Spencer Pratt from The Hills, Heidi Pratt from The Hills.
And that's just two of the cast members from The Hills.
- You know what, Dad? - I'm fine, Andy! - Let me take it, Dad.
- Let him do it, Andy, please.
- (Rollie breathing fast) - Dad? Dad? - (Ruth): Rollie? - Is this a prank? Are you guys pranking me? It's not a prank, Andy.
Daddy, are you having a heart attack? Of course, I'm having a heart attack, you massive tit! Oh, God, he's mad at me, something's wrong.
He's mad at me, something's wrong! OK, I'm gonna call an ambulance.
I wish I had some rose quartz or aventurine.
Oh! Peridot, that would be perfect! - Ruth! - Yeah, going.
Di-da di-da di-da di-da di-da di-da (machine beeping) OK, so it appears your father suffered another heart attack.
Now, that's eight in the past twelve months, which actually is one away from the provincial record.
So I could get him there if you want.
Eight heart attacks in a year? How is he still alive? Ha! Quit grilling me.
But seriously, I have no idea.
OK, alright, so what is the plan here? Obviously, we have to make some changes, right? Don't worry.
I've consulted my crystal manual and let's just say we'll be seeing a lot more red jasper around the house.
Ruth, Dad needs some actual medical attention.
Maybe a home-care worker, right, Dr.
Green? A home-care worker could help, but - But what? - Red jasper is a great stone.
- Isn't it though? - I honestly love that stuff.
- Really soothes.
- Exactly what I said to her.
- You were saying that.
- Oh.
OK, yeah.
You guys, come on, let's get this place cleaned.
June is gonna be here any minute.
Bryn, Mark, you wanna help? - No, thank you.
- Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
We're gonna keep working on Bryn's graphic novel which is called? - Wolf Daniel.
- Wolf Daniel.
Look at that guy, he's freaking jacked, eh? - (sighing): Great.
- Andy, this is a complete waste of time.
I do not need some nurse maid hovering about waiting to change my diaper.
I've got Ruthie for that.
(sniggering) - He doesn't wear a diaper.
- Dad, give her a chance.
Maybe she'll save you from breaking the provincial heart-attack record.
Yeah, well, what if I want that record, huh? - Records are nice.
People are known for records.
- (doorbell ringing) Oh, my God, that's her, that's her! OK, everyone, just act normal.
Bryn, you You're good.
Alright.
OK, OK.
- You must be June.
- And you must be Andy.
You're even more handsome than you sounded on the phone! - Thank you.
- And you have got to be Rollie.
I sure know where Andy gets his looks.
- Well, don't pin those on me.
- And witty to boot.
I best be on my guard around you.
- (June laughing) - (Rollie chuckling nervously) No, actually, there has been a bit of a misunderstanding.
I'm sorry to waste your time, but it turns out I don't need a babysitter.
- Dad! I'm sorry.
- No, that's OK.
It's OK, Andy.
Uh, sometimes, people recover a little faster than expected.
No worries, I'll just take my Assyrian sculpture and just get on - out of here.
Bye-bye.
- (Rollie mumbling) Sorry, what did you say you've got there? Oh, it's an Assyrian relief sculpture of an alien.
I mean, it's most certainly not authentic, but still.
Oh, well, it might not be the real deal, - but it's certainly very tasty.
- Isn't it? Wow! Where did you get it? My late husband ran a museum of his own before he passed away.
This was just in storage.
You can have it - for a price.
- What price? I demand a tour of this wonderful museum.
I am just chomping at the bit to see what you've got in here.
(June laughing) Oh, well, say no more.
Hahaha! Oh, uh, that's Bryn.
And that's Mark.
- (June): Oh, hello! - And this is, uh - It's Ruth.
- Ruth! I think I blanked there.
That's weird.
I just couldn't think what her name was for a moment.
Now, it's - It's Ruth.
- Ruth, yeah.
- It's very nice to meet you! - Nice to meet you too.
Oh, my goodness! I have the exact same purse.
Yeah, that's right.
Looks like mine's a slightly newer model.
- Oh, yes, it is.
- Yes it is.
OK, well, why don't I take you on that tour? Oh, goodie! Why don't I take some notes as to all the unhealthy things you keep doing during the day.
Ohhh Well, be prepared to blush.
(Rollie, June and Ruth laughing) (Ruth laughing alone) Oh, it's just a stuffed duck with a fancy skull stuck on top of it.
If you call something an Aztec god, then people tend to believe you.
That's because people are idiots.
Andy, what the hell are you doing? - Trying to move this crystal into the shed.
Give me a hand.
- Absolutely not.
No.
Didn't you hear what Ruth said? A poorly placed crystal is a weapon in the hands of the universe.
Yeah, well, in case you haven't noticed, this place is a house of science now, and Dad seems to be taking to it.
Oh yeah, Dad's really taking to the science.
Couldn't possibly be the sexy temptress you've hired to wait on him.
She's not a sexy temptress; she's a professional nurse.
She is a lonely, widowed professional nurse who clearly has the hots for Dad.
- You are delusional, man.
- You are delusional.
Do you think Ruth doesn't notice this? We don't even know what Ruth and Dad's relationship is.
Yes, we do.
It's not that complicated.
Ruth and Dad are like the Odd Couple.
They don't seem to get along on the surface, but they got a fun rapport, they clearly love each other, and deep down, you just know they're f(Bleep)ing.
How does that apply to the Odd Couple? Oh, trust me, it applies to the Odd Couple.
You mean to tell me the characters in The Odd Couple as portrayed by Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon were having sex? - Yes.
- Well, that's crazy.
I don't know what you want me to tell you, Andy.
Now help me get this up.
We're moving it.
- To where - No! You help me - OK, we'll move this to where Ruth wants it.
- No, we are moving it - This way, Andy.
Not - No.
This way! This way! This is really heavy, Mark.
COME ON! (Thump!) Did that fall on your foot? Yes.
Do you do you need help getting it off? Oh yeah.
Yeah, please, please.
Do you promise to fire June? No.
(Mark grunting) Well then, uh - Don't.
Don't.
- I don't know what I can do.
- Mark, don't.
- I don't know what you want.
- Please, Mark.
Please.
- I can't.
My hands are tied.
- Please! - My hands are tied.
(crying): Mark, please.
I thought you could use a little tea.
Oh, thank you, Ruth.
Oh, is this some more Wolf Daniel? Yeah.
Here he is in a softer moment.
Yes, he looks very calm.
- (June laughing) - (Rollie): I know, I know.
Is June still here? I thought she was supposed to have gone home hours ago.
It's her first day on the job, she's probably just getting the lay of the land.
- (June and Rollie laughing) - (June): You see these? Yeah, sounds like that's not the only thing she's getting the lay of.
Nice.
- Enjoyed that? - Yeah.
I'll go see if she needs some help.
- (June laughing) - (Rollie talking indistinctly) - (Rollie): I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- (June laughing) - (Rollie laughing) - You are just a little stinker, - that's what you are! - Hi, June! Are you having a little trouble with him in there? No, not at all.
Just getting some Epsom salts.
For a bath? Rollie is more of a shower guy.
Well, in his current condition, he really should be sitting as much as possible.
That makes so much sense.
You're so smart! But it's late, you probably wanna get home - so I can take over now - No, no, it's my pleasure.
- (tense music) - It's my pleasure too.
So maybe I'll just head in and make sure - he's OK.
- He's fine, Ruth.
OK.
- I'm just gonna head in to see - (Thump!) - (Rollie): Ohhh! - Could you please move and let me do my job? - (Rollie): Argh! - What's going on? Papa? Papa, are you OK? (Andy): Oh, my God! Dad, are you alright? - (Rollie): Oh, (Bleep) idiot! - (Andy): I got him! I got him! (Mark): Oh, God! I grabbed I grabbed his peter.
Dad, did I grab your peter? - Everyone, give him space.
- Rollie, are you alright? - That includes you, Ruth.
- June, I think I can - take care of him - Ruth, Ruth, June is the medical professional here, please just let her do her job, alright? Come on now.
OK? Careful.
I touched Dad's peter.
So, Dad, did you ever meet June's husband at auctions - or anything? - Oh yeah, yeah.
Here and there now and then, turns out.
Between us, I outbid him every time.
- I would.
- Did you ever.
Your father was always very competitive.
Yes, well, I am very competitive naturally.
I mean, I'm much more competitive than any of you lot for a start.
- (laughing) - OK, I'm headed into town.
Anyone care to join me? Dad? Ruth's asking you a question.
Rollie, I thought you might want to come and just stretch your legs a little bit.
What? Oh, no thanks, Ruth.
Yeah, Junie, have you ever seen a baby pig in formaldehyde? - I'm about to! - You are.
Look at that! - (Rollie): Hahaha! - (June): Ewww! Holy! (Rollie oinking) (Rollie, laughing): The horror! - (indistinct song playing) - These are the cookies - that I was telling you about.
- Oh yeah.
Ooh! Summer veggies.
They've got rhubarb in! Uh-huh.
So, uh, Ruth, I'm sorry if this is a very personal question, but what exactly is your relationship with my dad? (Ruth chuckling) Oh, my goodness, well! It's one of those hard-to-define things.
Like a tomato, is that a fruit or is it a vegetable? - It's a fruit.
- Is it? Has that been formalized? Oh, that's nice.
Yes, that wasn't a clear example for me.
Your father and I go back a long way.
In terms of defining it as a relationship, no, we haven't defined it.
Your father is a tough nut to crack.
I know all about that, he drove my mom away.
Haha! Anyway, have you tried telling him how you feel at all? No, not in so many words, but sometimes instead of a green pepper, I'll buy a yellow pepper.
OK.
So I'm not sure that sends quite as direct a message as you might think it does.
I guess I could go for a red one next time, - but that seems pretty graphic.
- Yeah.
OK, so, uh I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, Ruth.
- Do you see what's going on, at home? - What? June, Ruth.
June is honing in on Dad, and unless you stand up and start fighting for your man, she is gonna snatch him out from under you.
I don't want to interfere.
This is about your father's health, and June seems nice.
She's not nice! Tell me how you feel, Ruth! Tell me how you actually feel about June.
- She has her imperfections, but who doesn't? - Good.
Sure, that's a good place to start.
OK, yeah, she's got imperfections.
I wanna hear some of those imperfections.
I don't She's She's I sometimes wonder if she's as generous as she pretends to be.
Yeah! Now we're talking, Ruth.
Now, we're speaking - the same language.
What else? - She's she's - She's? - She's - She's? - She's had her eyes on Rollie since the moment she SAW HIM! That's my (Bleep) right there.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! - Everything OK over there? - She's tapping into her anger, - stay the f(Bleep) out of it! - Okeydokey.
Ruth, we are gonna go home, and you are gonna show my dad - that you are someone who cannot and will not - Yeah! I will not! - be taken advantage of.
- That's right.
- And how are you gonna do that? - I'm gonna cook him a very nice MEAL! OK, that is a start.
And not a bad start.
YEAH! (weird laughter) Yeah.
Yeah.
- (Rollie): Well done! - (June laughing) It's another thing you're good at.
- What's going on here? - Oh, come on in, you two! We're just playing a game.
- (Rollie): Whose go is it now? - (Andy): Me! Me, me, me! Hey! Are you ready? - (Andy): Yeah.
- Alright.
And go! - Ah! OK, give me some clues.
- Well, alright, - calm down, give us a chance.
- He's tall.
- Michael Jordan! - Taller than Michael Jordan.
Wait, no.
Maybe less tall.
Less tall.
OK, any other attributes, Bryn, please.
- Oh! He used to be a wrestler.
- Oh! Uh, uh, Hulk Hogan! Uh, uh, uh, uh, Doink.
Doink the Clown.
Is it Doink the Clown? Doink the Clown? Doink? Doink the Clown? That's not Doink the Clown.
Who's Doink the Clown?! - He's taller than Doink the Clown.
- Jesus, Bryn! Anything other than tall! Please! - Oop, time! - D'augh! - (June laughing) - "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson"?! Whoa, Doink the Clown is only 5'10''.
- Oh, Jesus, Bryn.
- Andy's right, I think we let him down on that one, - because he was very good.
- Rubbish.
Wow! Looks like you're all having a nice, fun time playing a family game.
With June as well involved in that.
But you can probably head home now, June, because Ruth Is going to cook a very special dinner.
Ohhh, it's really nice of you, Ruthie.
But actually, June's already on it.
Yepper! I have a nice, healthy meal in the oven as we speak.
Does that qualify as a nursing duty - or is that just a special perk? - Just a perk, I suppose.
- Feels like a special perk.
- Hahaha! Well, that's great! I guess tomorrow night, I'll make a very special dinner and maybe a little movie.
I noticed Netflix has Rocky IV.
Rollie, that's your favourite.
Rocky IV! Oh, what a film that is! The only film to feature a boxer who gives his brother-in-law a robot that's sort of a wife.
- (June laughing) - No, that's true.
It's true, it's true.
But I will have to do all that some other time, Ruthie, 'cause tomorrow me and June are popping across the island to check out an auction, so - (ominous music) - Oh.
Everything OK, Ruth? I'm sorry.
I don't know why I did that.
I I guess it's because I want to spend time with you, and you're choosing to spend time with June, and my body seems to be rejecting that.
It's so weird! It's very expressive, Ruth.
Dad, Ruth is expressing herself.
Come with us if you want.
Oh, sure.
Little third wheel type of thing, that sounds - like a lot of fun.
- No, it doesn't have to be that way, Ruth.
- Shut up! - (Mark): Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Ruth, June is a guest in our house.
Oh, that's funny because I thought that guests went home at a certain point.
- Oh, goddamn! - I suppose I should go then.
- Uh, no, no, please - Yes, June, sit down - and I'll go! - Oh no, you don't really No, no, no, no, no! And listen, if my clothes fit you, why don't you start wearing those too.
- You're coming, Bryn?! - No.
OK! Ruth, don't Well, I hope you're happy, Andy.
You and June just - drove away a wonderful woman.
- Ruth drove herself away.
- Is that what you think? - Yes.
Maybe it's because she's panicking because she and Dad had a beautiful little Odd Couple relationship going, and then you introduced some new lady into it and drove 'em apart, just like in Grumpy Old Men.
This is not like Grumpy Old Men! - This is exactly like Grumpy Old Men.
- Have you seen Grumpy Old Men? - Have you seen Grumpy Old Men? - Yes, I've seen Grumpy Old Men.
- Have you? Have you? - Yes, I have! Grumpy Old Men is about two grumpy old men - who hate each other and fall in love with the same woman.
- Wrong.
Grumpy Old Men is about two grumpy old men who appear to hate each other, but secretly love each other and have a great rapport and deep down, you just know they're f(Bleep)ing.
- And then a lady comes along and gets in the way of all that.
- I'm going to sleep.
OK.
Sleep tight, Andy.
Sleep tight knowing the destruction you've caused.
- There we go.
- Oh, thanks.
Aaah, I wonder where's Ruth's gone.
Oh, don't worry about her, Rollie.
She'll be fine.
Yeah Yeah, yeah, she'll be fine.
You know, you don't have to stick around so late.
I promise I won't tuck in at the first salty snack - I see as soon as you leave.
- (June laughing) I don't mind staying late.
I mean, it's not like I have anyone to get home to.
Husband's dead.
(laughing) Yes, as you keep saying.
Yeah, I never told you how he died, though.
It's kind of a funny story.
You see, he put so much into his museum, but because of your antics, he never got a chance to succeed.
Anyway, long story short, he went out of business and drank himself to death.
- (clock ticking) - Oh! Sorry, June, I didn't know.
It's really alright, Rollie.
Aaah everybody has to die sometime.
Well, you say that (muffled mumbling) - Hold still.
- (gentle, childlike music) Yeah, chloroform takes a lot longer than most people think.
- There we go.
- (muffled mumbling) Ohhh! We're relaxing now? Oh it's just like a massage, is it? - (muffled mumbling) - A massage inside your head.
Here we go.
Night-night.
Poop! Listen, Molly, thank you for taking me in - and listening to my sob story.
- I didn't hear any sobbing.
Just a lot of jaw clenching and mime strangling, which I really connected with.
- I appreciate it.
- Now I'm gonna go do up your bed.
Uh, uh You need a toothbrush? I got a spare, but the bristles are rock hard.
It's how I like 'em.
No, it's alright.
I put some stuff in my purse.
(Ruth gasping) - What's wrong? - Oh, my goodness, I think - I took June's purse by mistake.
- (gasping): Whoa! - Oh no, put that down! Molly! - Let me see! Oh! Look at this.
That looks like a diary.
Well, I am gonna ask you again to respect June's privacy.
And if you don't, I'm going to ask you a third time.
Fine, it's your life.
Night-night, Ruth.
- (disquieting music) - (sighing) (muffled mumbling) He's awake.
Jeez, I hope those ropes aren't too tight.
- Are you OK? - (Rollie grunting) Shh, shh, shh, shh! You know, after my Davy died, I was consumed by thoughts of revenge.
I just I didn't know how I was gonna pull it off.
And then, poof, your son calls my place of work asking for a home-care worker for you, and I swear, it felt like God was tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Uh, June, did you forget you wanted to kill this guy?" Hahaha! Anyway, after a few days, trying to get rid of Ruth, here we are.
Any last words? - (mumbled words) - Well said.
Put.
That.
Needle.
Down.
Now.
- Please.
- Hello, Ruth.
- June - I found your diary.
And I almost read it before I realized that would be very rude, and I decided to return it.
But now I see that you're the one who's very rude.
Unless I'm wrong about what's going on here, - and then I do apologize.
- (screaming) - (muffled thumping) - Oh! What was that? - Oh, I think Dad and June are having sex.
- No.
I heard banging, thumping.
What part of "having sex" do you not understand? - (women screaming and grunting) - (tense music) I do not want to walk in on this.
- (women screaming) - Help! - Oh, my God! Dad?! - Hmm! Oh, God! Ruth snapped, she's here for revenge! - She attacked me! She's trying to kill your father! - See, I told you June was a bad person.
Get her, Andy, get her! No, she's lying! She came back and found your father and I together, and she tried to kill me! So hard to know.
I'm pretty sure Ruth would never do this, but I'd be lying if I said I was, like, certain.
- June's the killer, you moppets! - OK, yeah.
June's bad, Ruth's good; get her, Andy! Fine! It's me! - Now stay back! - June, how did you ever expect to get away with something like this? Air bubble in the needle causing a heart attack.
I would have made sure that it was too late - by the time he got to the hospital.
- That's actually pretty clever.
- It would have worked.
- Well thought out.
But the time of subtlety is over.
You took away the love of my life, Rollie; now I'm gonna take away yours.
We've never really defined our relationship, but I'm certainly not the love of his life.
- Yes, you are, Ruth.
- You have been for a long time.
(Mark moaning tenderly) How touching.
You just signed her death warrant, but it was a lovely moment.
- Do you have any last words? - Yes.
- I forgot to return your purse! - Argh! Ah! AAAAH! (impact on ground) (shocked exclamation) Well, June is in stable condition down the hall if you'd like to check in on her.
But I'm sure that you don't.
- You know, because she tried to kill you.
- Yeah.
- So, how are you feeling, Dad? - Oh, much better, thank you, Mark.
Now that I'm no longer in the clutches of a deranged murderer.
By the way, thank you very much, Andrew.
A fine bit of due diligence there.
She was from the home-care service, it's not my fault.
- Nobody's blaming you, Andrew.
- I am.
- Yes.
I am also.
- Me too.
That's three out of four for blaming, you sure you don't want - to change your mind there, Ruth? - Oh, alright, - I blame you too.
- Hmm! - Alright, clean sweep.
- Well, I'm just gonna go bring June this casserole I whipped up.
OK, whoa, whoa, whoa! She just tried to kill you.
Oh! Well, that's in the past now.
You can't hold on to a grudge forever.
Jeez, that woman is a saint.
Indeed she is.
Which is apparent to us all, apart from Andy of course.
- (Andy): I said I was sorry! - (Mark): You think Andy technically qualifies as an accomplice here? - (Andy): Oh, I What?! - (Mark): He might be, I think.
You can make your life a misery if you try You can take a smile and change it to a sigh Then look beyond the cloud 'Cause there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky (humming) Yes, there's an awful lot