Central Park (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[ROCK MUSIC INTRO PLAYING]
Since I was a kid,
my heroes have been ♪
Not the kind most would prefer ♪
They carry swords
they're ten inches high ♪
They're completely covered in fur ♪
These epic tales of heroic quests ♪
Of these squirrels
who live in the park ♪
The greatest stories
to have ever been told ♪
Tomorrow's the day be still my heart ♪
Cole's giddy because tomorrow there's
a big scavenger hunt in the park
based on his favorite series of books,
The Squirrel Quarrels,
written by Kelleth Vanbeaceler.
Interesting fact about
Oh, sorry. He's still singing.
Attention boys and
girls and squirrels ♪
Get ready for tomorrow because ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
Grab your nutsacks
for the Squavenger Hunt ♪
Ooh! We're all gonna
be swimming in nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
Remember when Muddgrabber
fled from Stinkcloud Keep ♪
In a disguise he made from leaves ♪
Or when Chatterling flew
through the Dark Ramble ♪
To defeat the Council of Thieves ♪
I don't. But that all
sounds very exciting.
Quick question for the group.
How long are we gonna talk
about these books? All night?
Until I graduate college? Until
the Earth goes into the sun?
Just trying to plan accordingly.
Uh-huh. Remember a little thing
called The Apartment Bears?
How dare you. That's totally different.
They lived in the real world
and faced real problems.
They are the bravest
squirrel warriors ooh! ♪
To ever skitter-scamp
up a bower home ♪
And tomorrow they
will be brought to life ♪
In the park outside
of our home our home ♪
[GROANS] Whatever.
Attention boys and
girls and squirrels ♪
Get ready for tomorrow because ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
Nuts, nuts ♪
[PAIGE] I'm excited for you guys.
It's been a while since you
had a good father-son day.
Not since you took him to the barber
to fix the bald spot you gave him.
They were new trimmers. They
got away from me. But yeah.
The barber gave us both
lollipops, so it was a good day.
Gonna be hard to beat that. Good luck.
Not to toot my own horn,
but those books got him interested
in reading and interested in the park.
Pretty strong parenting.
Not that it's a contest.
- Oh, do you really wanna go there?
- We're already there.
Name three of their friends.
What are they doing
after school on Monday?
What size clothes do they
wear? What grade is Cole in?
Okay, okay, okay. I give.
You're a mean lady.
You know what? Your dad and your
brother are off on their date,
I need a break from work,
and you look like you could use a break
from whatever you're doing there.
Epic cat fails. Man,
this cat's so stupid.
What do you say to a little
Mother-Daughter Blood Chess?
Why do games make you so intense?
Can we just call it "chess"?
Uh, what about "Happy
Family Chess Massacre"?
Fine. "Blood Chess".
Thank you for your knight.
My bishop is going to
redecorate this square
in a style that is more
appropriate for her.
I'm just gonna say it. Beanbag chair.
I love that you love
playing chess with me.
I'm not crying. Why would
a game of chess make me cry?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh. Check.
- Wow, very bold.
I'm gonna move out of check.
And I don't know if you've developed
the middle of the board, honeybuns.
Great advice. Check, again.
Balls! I mean, good job.
- But are you ready for this?
- Yes. Kinda. Checkmate.
No. No, what?
Holy crap, you beat me.
You really beat me.
You say that like I haven't beaten
you the last, what, 50 times?
Right, right. Of course.
Wait. [GASPS] Have you
been letting me win?
Absolutely not. But today,
you actually beat me.
Letting me win. How is that remotely
Mother-Daughter Blood Chess?
Look, I didn't want you
to get discouraged
and not wanna play anymore.
So, yes. That was not very bloody,
but it was very mother-daughtery.
- I can't believe this.
- I can't believe it either.
You're really good. Like, way
better than I was at your age.
You should be very proud of
yourself, you little turd.
I guess I forgive you. Only because,
apparently, I'm a genius.
Hey, does this mean I'm ready to
play people that aren't my mom?
Like, people in the park?
Whoa. Slow down, tiger.
I mean, the chess players
in the park might be,
you know, a little much.
- But I'm ready, right?
- [HIGH-PITCHED] Yeah.
- I don't believe you.
- No, you are. This is how I talk.
So, I guess we should go down
to the chess house right now?
[HIGHER-PITCHED] Okay.
Okay. Maybe we should.
So, Paige and Molly are
having their mama-Molly time.
Owen and Cole are having
their dada-Cole time.
And Bitsy Brandenham is having
Bitsy extra-alcohol time,
because she's off to the
Brandenham annual family retreat
at her brother's house,
which she's hoping to ruin.
The retreat, I mean. And the
house actually. Either one.
Aerial shot!
[BITSY] Look at all these
backslappers and glad-handers.
So pathetic.
Also, what's happening here?
- Oh, dear. Heart attack?
- No!
You're milking an invisible cow?
No, you dope. My
drinky-drinky hand is empty.
Mm-hmm. Mm, and yeah.
Look how stupid my brother
looks. Oh, you're gone.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
What's soft and white
and has a family crest? ♪
Sitting on his fortune
like a viper on his nest ♪
Big deal ♪
And you, little missy
with your money grab ♪
Playing with your ponies
while your daddy pays the tab ♪
Big deal ♪
Damn the patriarch ♪
Bitsy's got some news to share ♪
I'll take Central Park make
it like a real Times Square ♪
Those fools and frauds
and failures ought to kneel ♪
Before a real big deal ♪
And you, dearest cousin
with your blockhead face ♪
Burning through your money
like a human fireplace ♪
Big deal ♪
Ahoy, Captain Crunch
if I could have a word ♪
Why you gotta dress up like
you're Thurston Howell III? ♪
Big deal ♪
I just wanna scream ♪
Desecrate their hallowed halls ♪
Take one for the team and
kick them in their bocce balls ♪
I'll sign, initial,
notarize, and seal ♪
What is a real big deal ♪
Bitsy. Why are you standing so far away?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, no. You're just small.
Hmm. At least my spine
goes in the right direction.
You're like a human question mark.
Next year you'll be able to
tie your shoes with your teeth.
- I'm still taller than you.
- You're not!
- Hair doesn't count.
- My head goes all the way up.
You never usually come to these things.
Are you here to ask for money
like all these other bloodsuckers?
First of all, no. And second of all,
do you mean Father's money,
that you sit on top of like
a disgusting little dragon?
I control the trust. It's my money.
How much do you need?
So I can pretend to
consider it and then say no.
You reanimated mummy.
I'm the one who inherited
a moldy money pit of a hotel
and turned it into a
multimillion dollar business
without help from anyone.
Meanwhile, you haven't made a dime
in your life that wasn't interest.
You're like a Roth IRA, but less fun.
Excuse me. I have to
go drink this whole thing
before I talk to you anymore.
See you in five minutes.
- Cole!
- Enrique! Happy Squavenger Hunt day.
Hey, Enrique from school, I think.
Is your dad doing the hunt too?
Uh, he says he's not
much of a scavenger guy.
More of a sitter and reader,
but, like, in a supportive way.
Hope it won't be awkward
if there's some super
intense father-son bonding
going on between me and my dad.
No, no. Me and my dad
are doing that too.
Oh, good. Yeah. Good.
Hello, Nut Nuts!
Welcome to The Squirrel
Quarrels Squavenger Hunt!
All of you are on a mission
to gather these six mystical
talismans of the Moss Moon.
- What's a Moss Moon?
- Shh! It's the rarest of moons.
The wooden sword, the
quill, the mud-dallion,
the three magical acorns, the
leafy headband and the eye patch.
- Sounds like my date night outfit.
- Shh!
There are clues hidden
throughout the park
to lead you to the talismans.
The first three participants
to reach the Squirrel
General's tent with all six
will get to dine with me,
Kelleth Vanbeaceler,
- on acorn cake and leaf juice.
- [COLE] Yay!
Sweet, sweet leaf juice.
Hey, Cole? No matter who
wins, let's stay friends.
- But if you win, I hate you.
- Squirrel, please.
And three, two, one!
Open your first clue.
- Good luck! Not really!
- Same to you!
"In The Songs of Teeth and Twigs,
Sharpclaw defeated the Skunk Army
at the last human fountain
to be added to Central Park.
That's where you'll find
your first talisman".
Oh, I know this. May not be 100% fair
that you're doing this with
the manager of Central Park.
The Sophie Loeb Fountain. Right, Dad?
That one is actually pretty old.
The Untermyer Fountain
in the Conservatory Garden
was the last one to
be added to the park.
That's ridiculous, Dad.
That's Stripetail territory.
Sharpclaw would never go there.
Okay, okay. I'll follow your lead.
Oh, we're running. Uh-oh! Uh, oh.
I guess I'm really doing this.
A game of chess with someone
who didn't give birth to me.
- That you know of.
- What?
Sorry, just nervous.
Not about you playing.
You're great. I'm just I'm
nervous I didn't put deodorant on.
Well, we talked about that.
I lost. Chess was all I had.
I never should've come here.
Oh, God.
- Uh, what about that kid?
- Yeah, sure. I'll warm up on him.
- Or only play him. Your choice.
- Maybe just hang back
if we're not doing the
overbearing mother thing.
- Oh, are we not doing that?
- Yes. Let's try it without.
Hey, so, are you waiting to play
someone or just, um, waiting?
Probably not that.
That would be a weird place to sit,
with chess pieces and not play.
What I'm asking is, do you wanna play?
Whoa. That is a lot of words.
- I know. Definitely too many. I'm Molly.
- I'm Danny.
You sure you wanna play?
I'm worried you might be
working through some stuff
and you won't be able to concentrate.
No, this is how many
words I normally say.
This is me at my healthiest.
Should we play?
- Chess we should.
- Ooh, now I don't wanna.
I'm kidding. I do.
That probably didn't feel great.
It didn't. But it did
set me up for this.
- Dang it.
- Checkmate.
- Wait, no. That's not Whoa, it is.
- Yeah, that's checkmate.
Yes! Stranger-Daughter Blood
Match champion! Drink the blood!
Do you know that lady over there?
That's my mom. That's kind
of our family chess chant.
It's catchy? Should we play again?
I'll try to think of some weird,
scary thing to scream when I win.
Don't think too hard,
'cause it's not happening.
And also, checkmate.
- What?
- Just kidding.
- We haven't set up the board.
- Right, right.
They look like they're having fun,
right? Well, most of them are.
The problem for Owen on
this fine Saturday afternoon
is that the Squavenger Hunt has
been slowly driving him crazy,
which is pronounced "squazy".
And even worse, Owen has
been driving Cole "squazy".
There he is. The next talisman.
The wooden sword.
I don't get it. The clue said
the arch is on the west side,
but we're here on the east side.
I mean, this author is
kinda loose with the facts.
Dad, you're doing it again.
Besides, west, east,
is there really a difference?
I mean, yes.
Also, it says King Greyfur
started the Battle of the Arch,
but the last clue said
he was a peaceful king.
Yeah, Dad, he was. Until
he ate the Seed of Evil.
I don't know why he did it.
I'm sure he had his reasons.
Anyway, can we just go
to the next talisman?
So, Owen kept doing "that thing",
and Cole kept calling
him on doing "that thing",
but everyone was being pretty cool
until Owen went too damn far.
So the squirrels become dinosaurs
for a whole book? Dinosaurs?
Yes. They became dinosaurs,
and it was fantastic.
So, they just abandoned
the squirrel premise,
but the book is still
called "squirrels"?
That's what they were before they
evolved. It's called "squevolution".
Squirrels did not evolve
from dinosaurs, Cole!
[GASPS] You did not just say that.
I did. And it's true. Look,
I really wanna do this.
I'm just having a hard time because
nothing in these books makes sense.
It's like we didn't just collect
three talismans together.
Hey, Cole! I know where the
Mud-dallion of Muddgrabber is!
Dad, I think I'm just gonna go
do the rest of the hunt with Enrique.
- Enrique, wait up!
- Wait, no. That's not what I
- I'll I'll see you back at the house.
- Cole!
- [SIGHS]
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
Owen, get this. Molly is
playing pickup chess in the park,
and I'm just gonna say it.
Our daughter is a ruthless B-word.
I have never been prouder.
Wow. That's that's great.
I know. How's the hunt going?
I messed up. I'm a terrible father.
I should be sent to
Failed Father Island.
Oh, hon. Do you get to sleep in there?
It sounds kinda nice. What happened?
Did you know how ridiculous
those books actually are?
Which books? The ones
about the squirrel warriors
who live and walk among
us without us noticing,
and they protect the park from
all sorts of supernatural threats?
- Those books?
- Okay. I hear it now.
Well, at least your
daughter's doing great.
Thanks to me. I'm kidding.
- Only a little bit. I love you.
- I love you too.
[SIGHS] I've ruined everything.
This morning everything
was going great ♪
Woke up on top of it all ♪
Honestly I didn't
see that I would fall ♪
Flash forward and I
really cannot overstate ♪
How totally my ship went down ♪
And now my son might
run me out of town ♪
I'd love to change what I have done ♪
But I don't have
that kind of control ♪
Failed Father Island, here I come ♪
Where I'll eat only sand
and poop in a hole ♪
I thought I was a genius ♪
But it turns out I
was just a dumb dad ♪
A [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
on a scale of one to ten ♪
Why didn't I foresee this? ♪
I ruined this day, and now I'm sad ♪
Please, can we do today again? ♪
Hello, today is going great ♪
Knock wood, I'm on top of it all ♪
Honestly I never
expected this windfall ♪
At home, my heart began to palpitate ♪
Wasn't sure how this would go down ♪
I fully thought my ship
would run aground ♪
My daughter's a badass chess machine ♪
And I've never been more proud ♪
I'm as giddy as a mom could be ♪
But now I'm not afraid to say aloud ♪
I guess I'm a genius ♪
A mom who puts other moms to shame ♪
A "hell yeah" on a
scale of one to ten ♪
Bow down before my queen-ness ♪
I will check every
mate in every game ♪
Please, can we do today again? ♪
- I wanna unsay ♪
- The winner is clear ♪
- So much of today ♪
- For mom of the year ♪
- I wanna have a chance to replay ♪
- I'll take my crown and rose bouquet ♪
I want a do-over ♪
- This feels pretty great ♪
- Don't make much ado over ♪
- So why not just celebrate ♪
- Don't wanna stew over ♪
[PAIGE, OWEN] The
surprise that was today ♪
So call me a genius ♪
- A mom ♪
- A dad ♪
On top of the game ♪
- A "whoo" on a scale of one to ten ♪
- A [FART] on a scale of one to ten ♪
I want to decree this ♪
- A day to put in the hall of shame ♪
- A day to put in the hall of fame ♪
Please, can we do today again? ♪
It's time for the Passing of the Oar,
where we say what we've
accomplished in the last year,
even if it's stupid.
As the patriarch and most influential
and virile member of the family,
I will begin by passing the oar
to one of our youngest members, Benson.
It's Brendan, but okay.
Uh, I've been flying my kites,
uh, in the sky. I guess that's implied.
Oh. And I met a girl named Molly.
Huh? What? Oh, right.
You're the one with
the kites. Depressing.
- Next.
- Oh, cool.
Super glad I decided to sit here.
I'll go next. [CLEARS THROAT]
This year, I've raised a
million dollars for my charity,
Horse Braces for Racehorses.
In addition to the million
dollars I gave you?
Well, no, Daddy, one
million total. So far.
Disappointing. Next. Anton. [MUTTERING]
Helen. Make sure Ambrose's man
doesn't bring back
whatever Ambrose asked for.
On it.
[WHIRRING]
Blending up meat much?
Ambrose drinks two of these a day.
He has low iron, and he hasn't
chewed his food in 15 years.
Well, Bitsy doesn't want me to
let you out of here with that.
- What? Why?
- I don't know. Who cares?
- Well, I'm bringing it to him.
- No, you're not.
- Move.
- No.
- Shoo. [GRUNTS]
- No.
- Well, that's just mean.
- So is this.
[GRUNTS, GROANING]
Oh, I'm in the meat.
- You guys calling it quits?
- I guess so, yeah.
I mean, that was fun to lose
so many times, so quickly,
but, yeah, we can stop.
I know my daughter
wiped the floor with you,
so here's a hot dog.
It's the least I can do.
It helps a little.
If you're tired of winning,
you ought to play Konstantin.
Who's Konstantin?
You didn't clock grandpa over
there eating bodega sushi,
playing ten people at the same time?
That guy's good at chess?
He's so bad at eating sushi.
[DANNY] No, he's not good at chess.
Konstantin is a chess master,
and undefeated in this
park as far as I know.
Checkmate.
Ooh. Checkmate.
Ah. Checkmate.
Is it weird that I kinda wanna play him?
Yes. No. I don't know. Let's maybe not?
- Why not?
- You did good. You won.
I'm so proud of you.
Nothing terrible happened.
Let's go home and hug the
crap out of each other.
Mom, I wanna do it.
What if I physically picked
you up and carried you home?
Oh, where you going?
Excuse me, sir? Do you think
you could add one more game?
Set it up, tiny person.
Molly, did you hear that? I
think there's a twister coming.
We gotta get to the storm cellar.
Mom, Paige, I can handle it. Hm.
Oh, God. I forget where
everything goes. Just kidding.
Okay, there's only one
talisman left to find.
We might win this thing.
I think you're right. We're
the only ones with headbands.
Not only are we gonna win, but
we're gonna look hot doing it.
What does the clue say?
"Go to the clearing where Chatterling's
father was eaten by a hawk
while trying to defend him". So, yeah.
- That was so sad.
- I miss my dad.
Me too. I miss your dad too.
[SIGHS] We're on our own.
I think we're men now.
- But we're too young for mortgages.
- I know.
Mm, mm.
Hi, sir. Hello. Um
So I did that chess thing
that you see there. So, yeah.
Hm. Very groovy. Um, okay,
would you accept a draw?
- [GASPS]
- Like we just stop and call it even?
Say yes, say yes, say yes.
- No, thank you.
- What?
You don't want draw?
Nope. I wanna rumble. Sir.
If that's okay with you.
Okay. I stay here and
we play out the game.
Ow! That hurt. Never did
that before. Lesson learned.
- Oh, wow. Look at her go.
- [KONSTANTIN] Mm-hmm. Mm.
- Mm. Checkmate.
- [GASPS] It's over?
I respect you. Even though
I embarrassed you so quickly.
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God, she's gonna hate chess now.
I should have never let her come here.
[PANTING]
- [WHEEZES, COUGHS]
- Hey, buddy. What you got there? Books?
- I'm do doing the Squavenger Hunt.
- Oh. That's exsquiting.
Yes. I have to find my
son before he divorces me.
I went and got the books
from the house so I could
Why did we buy hardcovers?
So hard to read and run.
I don't know if this is relevant,
but I saw a couple of plushies
going at it in the Rambles.
- Is that helpful?
- Oh, I wish I knew the answer.
Ah! I see him! There he is.
Ooh! Running music!
[HUMMING, PLAYING UP-TEMPO MELODY]
Make it fast walking music. I'm
exhausted. I gotta fast walk.
- That's kind of a lope.
- All right, loping music.
Loping it is! [HUMS,
PLAYS SLOWER MELODY]
- [PANTING] Cole!
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Cole.
- You look well.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- What's in the backpack?
The books. All the books. So many books.
I had to redo the whole
Squavenger Hunt to find you.
I'm so sorry that I was
- A jerk?
- Yeah. A jerk.
- About the books?
- Yes, about the books.
- And you love them now?
- Yes, I love them now.
Wait, no, I can't lie.
I hate them. But I love you,
and I love that you love them,
and I wanna finish this hunt with you.
Aw, Dad. I wanna finish
this hunt with you.
I wanna finish this hunt
with you too, Cole's dad.
[PANTING] I'm here too. I was
just playing Owen's loping music.
Aw. You're hugging.
No. You're stabbing him?
No, you're hugging. That's good.
Where are you guys going?
The clearing where Chatterling's
father was eaten by the hawk.
- Well, isn't that by Cedar Hill?
- Yes, Dad. How did you know?
I skimmed the last book.
Oh, no. They're gonna catch
up to us. We have to run.
Oh, good. More running.
- Enrique, hold the backpack.
- [ENRIQUE GRUNTS]
All right, never mind.
Get up. Get up. Sorry.
- Ambrose, you okay? You want the, uh
- Huh?
What? Oh. [GRUNTS]
Where's Anton? I need my smoothie.
Looking great, you withered old grape.
Well, it's been another great
year for the Brandenham Trust,
which I am the executor of.
Our investments continue to
bring high returns, [COUGHS]
just like every year since
Father put me in charge.
The one child he trusted.
Boring! Are you done?
Everyone wants you to be done.
So, this year, I'm buying
Central Park and developing it.
It will be the biggest real estate deal
in the history of the world.
You can't imagine the numbers.
There will be more zeros in there
than there are sitting
in this room right now.
[MAN] What does that mean?
[WOMAN COUGHS] Is
there more to her news?
I don't know. Just keep smiling.
Well, that's gonna be fun for
you, Aunt Bitsy. Lots of fun.
It's not gonna be fun!
They're gonna write history
books about me, you idiots!
I guess it's my turn. I
ran my first 5k last year,
and this year I'm
gonna do another 5k!
- [WOMAN] Oh!
- [WOMAN 2] Oh.
Really? Really?
I'm out.
[SIGHS]
I guess I'm no genius ♪
Turns out I was just a dumb mom ♪
Overexcited, I should've stayed calm ♪
But blood sport's my weakness ♪
I let my girl play until she lost ♪
What kind of mother have I been? ♪
Mom, it's okay. I played a
chess master. Of course I lost.
Oh. But you were doing so well.
Why didn't you take the draw?
Because I wanted to
see how he'd beat me.
If I took the draw, I wouldn't
really learn anything from it, right?
Oh, oh!
So proud of you.
Mother-Daughter Blood Hug.
[MOLLY, PAIGE GRUNTING]
Hey, Aunt Bitsy. Are you really
gonna try to buy Central Park?
- Yes.
- I don't think you should.
Isn't it, like, a public place
that shouldn't be for sale?
- Yes.
- Won't people be mad at you?
Thank you. This is the
reaction I was looking for.
Helen, this is the
reaction I was looking for.
- Wait, Bratson.
- Brendan.
Shush. I need you to
do something for me.
Go inside and let
- Anton.
- Anton out of the, uh
- What closet is it, Helen?
- The broom closet downstairs.
Yes, the broom closet. Anton
got locked in there by accident.
Let him out, will you? Ambrose
will be needing his meat shake.
Uh, okay.
[AMBROSE COUGHS]
- [WEAKLY] Smoothie.
- [MUFFLED GRUNTS]
I feel like this happens every year.
I wish I'd gone to
Jacob's bowling party.
- A toast to the winners!
- Hooray!
- [KELLETH] Hooray.
- [LAUGHING]
But wait, explain the dinosaur thing.
- Dad.
- No, no, I get it.
I just didn't know if Enrique gets it.
So I was wondering if Kelleth
would walk us through it.
Dad.
Nothing like ending the day
with a fat slice of acorn cake
and a big cup of leaf juice.
[SIPS, SPITS]
[PANTS, SLURPS]
I like it.
[COLE] They are the bravest
squirrel warriors, ooh! ♪
To ever skitter-scamp
up a bower home ♪
And tomorrow they
will be brought to life ♪
In the park outside
of our home our home ♪
Attention boys and
girls and squirrels ♪
Get ready for tomorrow because ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts ♪
Nuts ♪