Champions (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Matt Bomer Poster
1 Whoa, look at you.
Wait, are we doing Formal Fridays now? I need to iron my gloves.
Is that your tie from Catholic school? Bet it still smells like your old cologne Raw by Stone Cold Steve Austin.
What? You know, it's a tie.
You know, maybe I'm tired of T-shirts, and I want to feel like I'm choking.
Maybe it's a different reason.
- Who cares? - Well, my polite conversation starter certainly touched a nerve.
- Honestly, not that invested.
- I am deeply invested.
And I'll figure out why you're wearing this getup when I get home from school.
You have been warned.
You've been warned.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Matthew, get in here.
Is it a mouse? Can we keep it? - Look at this.
- Oh, my God.
Matt Bomer's clothes are sopping wet, but his hair is still perfect.
How? No, I'm talking about the fact that there is pornography - on my son's wall.
- He's fully clothed.
He knows what he's doing.
Vince, you need to accept the fact that Michael is gay.
Uh, I more than accept it, I love it.
Do you have any idea what a mic drop "gay, half-Indian son" is in any argument where I'm deemed offensive.
How can you not see that Michael's too young for this? Michael's growing up.
I mean, you've had "the talk" with him, right? Yeah, you mean the talk about why I deduct taxes from his allowance? Vince, this is part of being a dad.
You're good at lame jokes and saying the name of every sign you drive by.
Maybe you'd be great at this.
All right, okay.
All right, I'll have "the talk" with him.
But in the meantime, this has got to come down.
Isn't it just a little creepy that he looks exactly like me? Well, maybe not the hair or the face or the eyes or the body or the charisma, - income level.
- Okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- I told you I'd find you, Matthew, but why would you wear a tie to a Connecticut Muffin? He's on a date with a nun? The man likes a challenge.
It's just not fair.
It's like I don't exist.
I've been carrying this shame for years, Sister Timothy.
And you just let it happen to me.
There was nothing I could do.
Don't blame me.
Blame the system.
You should've stood up to the system.
I was just a kid.
- Aha! - Michael? How much did you hear? Enough to poison my love of nuns.
"Sound of Music," "Sister Act," "Sister Act 2" You're supposed to be Motown-loving, Nazi-hating heroes.
How could you let this happen to my uncle? Your uncle did this to himself.
Blaming the victim? Wow.
Was it Jesus' fault He was crucified? And that's famously complicated, whereas your uncle's situation is quite straightforward.
He skipped too many classes to graduate from Holy Martyrs Bleeding Feet Academy.
Oh, well, then that's different than what I thought.
[CHAIR CLATTERING.]
Explain, please.
Who do you think you are, taunting my son? [SCOFFS.]
You're not even that cut.
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
This better be good, Vince, I'm trying to win back my paycheck.
I'm just wondering if you ever had "the talk" with Michael? "The Talk"? Yes, Michael loved it.
Really? Oh, yeah, Sharon Osbourne will say anything.
Not "The Talk" on CBS.
- The sex talk in real life.
- Oh, God, no.
But didn't he have sex ed in middle school, you know, where the girls go learn about pregnancy, and the boys just throw bananas at each other? Yeah, but Ohio's so conservative that they teach you that condoms actually increase your chance of STDs.
Well, yeah, but I mean, until condoms are 100% effective, what's the point in using them at all, right? As a mother, as a nurse, and as a human, I beg you, please read a book before you teach my son about sex.
Any book.
It can have pictures.
Mm, don't need to.
I wrote the book, babe.
Anyway, thanks for nothing.
Okay, you're welcome for raising our son alone - for 15 year - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
It's a good thing your husbands are all dead.
This is the saddest mystery I've solved since "Why does my mom have a wedding dress in her closet?" Sister Timothy makes it sound like I never went to class, but it was just one American history.
There was just so much reading.
My girlfriend couldn't do it all for me.
Don't worry lots of smart people didn't graduate high school.
- Joan of Arc, Anne Frank.
- That's true.
Everything turned out fine for them.
Okay, maybe you do need more high school.
I know.
Ever since Vince almost moved to Florida, I've been wondering who else would give me a job without a diploma.
I can't be an escort.
I would keep falling in love.
Wait, but how did Vince not know? The nuns let me walk so I wouldn't shame my family.
If Vince found out now, I know he'd freak out.
Well, this is New York.
If I was able to get a fake ID to see "Girls Trip," we can get you a diploma.
No, I don't want to cheat.
Cheating is a sin.
I'm already way in the red for premarital sex.
Look, if it really means that much to you, why don't you just get your GED? Yeah, that's easy for you to say you know what that is.
It's the high-school equivalency exam.
It's for prisoners and child actors.
Oh, here.
Look, they're offering the test next week.
- I'll help you prepare.
- [SIGHS.]
Michael, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm finally gonna graduate high school.
What's my senior prank gonna be? When Vince graduated, they robbed the principal's house.
- Priya got shot.
- I know.
It's her one good story.
Let's hit the books.
[CALM FUNK MUSIC.]
Allison Williams.
I'd always thought we'd be friends, but not like this.
Hey, buddy.
So can we talk for a second? Look, I, uh, noticed you redecorated, and I thought this poster would be a little cooler than the one of your dad's identical twin Matt Bomer.
- Oh, God, no.
- Yeah, I just think the poster of the guy from the show "Suits" is a bit unsuitable [CHUCKLES.]
For a child's bedroom.
Matt Bomer is "White Collar.
" Princess Meghan is from "Suits.
" Exactly.
The man's not even on "Suits.
" However, this guy here, star of Peter Pan.
Plus, maybe this is you rubbing off on me, he's hot.
I agree.
I mean, a woman who plays a boy that never grows up is a much more appropriate choice for a kid my age than a beautiful role model.
Thank you.
Do those words make this over? Yeah.
Wow, that was easier than I expected.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Cool.
But if you ever wanted to talk - about this region - I don't.
- Okay, but when you do - I won't, ever.
Cool.
Then I'll let you two playas play.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
So how'd it go? Did you do the rap about consent that I taught you? Didn't need it.
He said he wasn't ready for "the talk.
" He even agreed that he was too young for the Bomer poster.
Man, I am good at this parenting stuff.
I should probably write a book.
"Act Like a Cool Guy, Think Like a Dad.
" [IMITATES EXPLOSION, CHUCKLES.]
Amazing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Hmm.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hey, guys.
Getting in some lunch action? Nom, nom, nom, am I right? [CHUCKLES.]
Anyways, the real reason why I came here was to invite you guys to my photography show on the 25th.
I wish I could go, but on the 25th, I got to feed my sister birds.
Did you say "feed your sister's birds" or "feed your sister birds"? - Hey, I can't go, okay? - Me either.
Whenever I go to a gallery, people think I'm the art.
That's how I ended up in a Russian storage facility for a year.
Dana, I'm out, too, okay? Art doesn't come from privilege.
The only art I like was made by Guantanamo inmates and elephants.
And I have a policy not to go to any of my employees' events.
I like to think that when you guys leave this place, you disappear.
I understand.
Those all sound like really good reasons.
Hey, Vince.
Quick question.
If Michael agreed he was too young to talk about sex stuff, then why did I find a new one of these - hidden underneath his bed? - What? Marry, bang, kill so easy.
Why would Michael want to hide that from you? Because Vince feels that Michael is too young to be thinking about S-E-X U-A-L-I-T-Y - A-N-D - Stop.
Vince, you have to have an open, honest discussion with Michael.
Sex is confusing.
Hookup apps, rainbow parties, rope-a-dopes, Abu Dhabis, cake pops, burger envy, turkey pardons, voting rights, Adele Dazeems, Good & Plentys, WhatsApp, first dates.
Oh, okay, all right, but if you talk about sex, isn't that just gonna encourage him to do it? That's why my dad didn't have the sex talk with me, and I turned out fine, - You got a girl pregnant in high school.
- Oh, so none of that was Priya's fault? Hey, sex talks are important.
My pop taught me a woman can't get pregnant if she eats a bowl of piping hot soup.
And either that's true, or I'm sterile.
My mom's a doctor, and on my 12th birthday, she gave me a model of a woman's vagina.
It was really cool, actually.
But we got kicked out of Six Flags.
But what can I teach Michael? Everything I know about gay sex I learned from graffiti.
Yes, God forbid a straight white man has to learn about something outside of his comfort zone.
You're really confirming my decision to kill you.
Okay, fine.
Where do I start? It's not my job to educate you.
No, it's your job to train four back-to-back clients this afternoon and then switch out all the urinal cakes.
I will help you, friend.
This speech is my recital I think it's very vital To rock a rhyme that's right on time "It's Tricky" is the title, here we go It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky Next? It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky T-t-tricky, tricky, tr-r-r-icky I met this little girlie Namaste.
Went to her house and bust her out I had to leave real early [LAUGHING.]
All they just say is, "Please me" Or spend some time and rock a rhyme Apollo sent a dozen Americans to It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky - How is it, D? - It's tricky Tricky, tricky, tr-r-r-icky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky, huh! 72%.
That's great.
But when I took one at work, I failed.
You can do this.
You know, if you start to panic, just think about how good Ryan Reynolds will be as you in the movie "Michael's Song.
" "Michael's Song"? Shouldn't it be about me? Yes, God forbid there's an openly gay diverse lead in a Hollywood blockbuster.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Michael, you in there? I'm coming.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay, if it itches, scratch it if it burns Oh, hey, let me, uh, holla at you for a little bit here, player.
I was thinking it was time to discuss your changing body and address any LGBTQIA2 questions that you might have.
No, it's fine.
I'm a little boy.
I like childish things like "Peter Pan" and juice boxes and Harry Potter.
Okay, be that as it may, I worked really hard on this conversation, so we're gonna have it.
HPV vaccinations.
Now, that ship sailed a long, long, long time ago for me, but you got to get one, stat, - and here's why.
- Oh! Oh, my God.
Wait, is that you? What? Oh, so I look like this guy, - but not Mr.
Shirt in the Pool? - Yeah.
You know what? Forget it, that's okay.
Moving on to something a little bit more fun.
Erections why do we need 'em? Why can't we just lay back, do nothing, and orgasm no problemo, like the women do? Oh, my gosh, please stop.
Please stop.
Make this end.
Hey, uh, uh, don't worry.
Only four more short hours, a little role-playing exercise, - and then it's all done.
- No, stop.
I'm not talking to you about any of this.
I just want to figure it out the old-fashioned way ask a closeted art teacher.
- Well, here's the test site.
- Yes.
Is everything okay? I'm gonna need you're A game for my good luck hug.
Yeah, sorry.
I was just wondering do you think my poster of Matt Bomer is that inappropriate? Inappropriate? No.
Shockingly sexual? Sure.
Hey, hey, but there's nothing wrong with that.
When I was your age, I had already gone through four Carmen Sandiego posters.
Thanks.
Whatever that is you're talking about - makes me feel better.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
Well, I think the test is about to start.
I still feel like I didn't study enough about women or Native Americans.
Eh, they never ask about that stuff.
America's a white man's game.
You're gonna ace it.
And tonight you'll get an email saying you passed.
- Thanks, Michael.
- I doubt it.
I take this test every year, and I never pass.
You're gonna be fine.
Paris Hilton got her GED.
[INHALES AND EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, Vince, hey.
Is this your crying spot? Mine's usually my car, but Asher has it this week.
He went to the water park by himself.
Huh? No, just sucking on a rolled up piece of paper.
Took it up after I quit smoking.
Just a straight white guy struggling to give a meaningful "bees and the bees" talk.
- Are you crying? - Yeah.
Uh, but I will just bottle it up and go back to work like I always do.
Hey, no, no, come on.
Have a drag.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Whoo! Strong.
[IMITATES COUGHING.]
I've got the munchies.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay, don't make it lame.
So, uh, what's going on? Eh, it turns out my boyfriend, Asher, can't come to the art show either.
He has a meeting to discuss his screenplay, "Broke-lyn.
" Well, look, if it's that important to you, uh, I'll go.
Still beats being at home.
Pretty sure I permanently traumatized Michael.
Last night he woke up in a cold sweat shouting, "Chlamydia!" Ah, he'll be fine.
I mean, my parents were a disaster.
And I have a fulfilling life of bi-weekly sex with Asher.
Or is it semi-weekly? Which one is less? I don't know.
Oh, fine.
I'll pick it up.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hey, Matthew.
Can I borrow your Black Eyed Peas CD? I got a feeling I'm about to clean the oven.
What the heck? Vince, you can't just walk into my room.
There's always a chance I'm wrapping your birthday present.
What's with the textbooks, nerd? [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
They're for the GED.
I took it today because I never graduated high school.
Mm, what? [CHUCKLES.]
Dude, I was at your graduation.
I shouted "Baba Booey" when they handed you your diploma.
And it was hilarious.
But the real joke was, instead of my diploma, - they gave me this.
- What? How's that possible? Dude, do you know what I sacrificed for you to go to that school? Sacrifice? What do you mean? Vince was looking good for a minor-league team when I started having trouble in public school.
Our dad had just died, so he moved back home to run the gym and pay for my education.
Wait, so Vince is the good guy? But his face? Look, I'm sorry, all right? History was just too hard.
Hey, I didn't like school either, but I didn't quit.
This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
I'm a disappointment.
You're not a disappointment, all right? I wasn't smart enough to steal the neighbor's cable, but you were, and now we never have to read again.
Plus, you took the GED.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Yeah.
They just sent me the test results.
And it turns out I just failed.
- What? - Hey.
Excuse me.
I'm going to need another week or two before I make eye contact again.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Matthew, you okay? You've been locked in there all day.
Can't hide forever.
Just leave me alone! I'm officially an uneducated white man.
The only thing I'm qualified to do is explain things to educated white women.
Okay, well, um, I got to go to Dana's art show.
The gallery turns back into a karate dojo at 6:00, so can we talk about this later? Later, now, then how do I know the difference? I failed history.
- Just go.
- Go to Dana's.
I'll make sure Matthew doesn't do anything stupid.
Yeah, good luck.
Everything I do is stupid.
Thanks.
At least I know I'm leaving one grown-up in charge.
I'm hungry.
Can someone slide a slice of pizza under my door? There's a protein bar under your pillow.
Cookies and cream? I don't like this flavor! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Vince, you came.
- Yeah.
What do you think? My mom says it's too smart to show any of her friends.
Yes, it's, um provocative.
- Is there food here? - Just food for thought.
At real art shows, we want people to think about the work, not their stomachs.
Had that answer spring-loaded.
That's the only question people have been asking me.
- Yeah, I bet.
- Anyways thank you so much for coming.
- It means so much.
- No problem, no problem.
Are these babies kissing? Is that legal? Ooh, say that louder.
The scandal will attract the media.
Right.
- Oh, this is my favorite one.
- Ah.
After I took this photo, the baby fell of the stool.
Wow, look at this guy.
Just a baby with dreams of performing like Michael on Broadway, and maybe writing his own musical.
Yes, because aren't we all just children? I don't see that at all.
It's that children are more grown-up than we want to admit.
Ah, jeez.
[CHUCKLES.]
I do not like how this is making me so emotional.
Oh, no, let it.
- Great art does that.
- Yeah, great art does that, but this? [CHUCKLES.]
I can't believe I'm feeling so much.
Oh, my God, this is, like, the worst moment in my life, easily.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
I thought this Mm.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Asher! - Babe.
Nick Cannon wants to make "Broke-lyn" as a limited series for the Fitbit.
[LAUGHS.]
Dreams do come true.
That's amazing! Hey, Asher, congrats.
That's awesome.
I one time saw Nick Cannon at a Foot Locker.
Oh, cool, man.
You know, not every story needs to be told.
[LAUGHS.]
Like "Broke-lyn"? Look, I'm gonna peace out.
Gonna talk to Michael.
I have one more chance before he puts himself up for adoption.
Michael, why are we here? I'm too dumb to eat a muffin.
I'll probably eat the paper.
[MICHAEL GRUNTS.]
Well, lookee here.
Someone's getting their lemon poppy-seed fix on the collection plate's dime.
I just gave last rites to a mother of five.
When I bite into my muffin, for one second, I don't hear the echoes of her death rattle.
But, please, how can I help you? That was a lot.
Okay, look, my uncle deserves his diploma.
- Sure, he missed a few classes.
- 40.
He missed 40 classes.
Because he was embarrassed.
He struggled so much, it became easier for him not to try.
Can't you just forgive him? Jesus didn't graduate high school, and He invented sandals.
Imagine what He could've done if He had been encouraged.
I always did think you might have a learning disability, Matthew.
Thank you.
I won't give Matthew his diploma, but he can earn it.
You can get your degree the same way you could've back when you were in school by finishing your course work.
I won't let you down, Sister Timothy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What is this? Cookies, dramatic lighting? It looks like "To Catch a Predator.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Actually, uh, if it's okay with you, I'd like to revisit "the talk.
" Cool.
So I'm gonna shove all these cookies in my mouth to make myself choke.
- Please don't save me.
- Look, I realize why I was being so weird about the poster.
Yes, the sex stuff is awkward, but I couldn't admit that if you've grown up, that means I missed your entire childhood.
Well, it was iconic.
My first word was "yaass.
" The nurse thought I was just crying, but I've always had haters.
Well, I'm sorry I wasn't there for that And everything else, except for Little League.
I would've been a monster.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, for what it's worth, I still feel like a kid most days.
I've never gotten drunk.
I've never shaved.
And the only guy I've ever kissed is my souvenir Oscar.
Hey, I can work with that.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, um, as far as this region goes, how about I just prepare myself as best I can for any questions you might have, and you can ask them if and when you're ready? And instead of "the talk," it'll be more of an ongoing conversation.
That sounds kind of awkward, which maybe actually means you're just parenting.
Ooh! Like, better than your mom, right? Please.
Okay, well, just, uh, go check out your room.
[GASPS.]
I love it.
Sometimes the sexiest thing is what you don't see.
What if nobody likes me? What if everybody likes me, drawing the ire of the queen bee? - What? - Class, this is Matthew.
Why don't you go over there and have a seat between Laura and Ava? Oh, God, they look cool.
I feel so fat.
If you're fat, what am I? Come on, park it.
Hey, uh, Sister Timothy, where are all the boys? They proved a distraction to the priests.
They had to go.
The boys had to go? Hey, I'm Matthew.
Who's your least favorite parent? My dad's the worst.
He won't get me unlimited data, and he's in jail.
Ugh, my life is so boring.
My dad is so attentive.
Hey, so is there a men's room in this building, or is it more like a "Hidden Figures" âtype situation for me?
Wait, are we doing Formal Fridays now? I need to iron my gloves.
Is that your tie from Catholic school? Bet it still smells like your old cologne Raw by Stone Cold Steve Austin.
What? You know, it's a tie.
You know, maybe I'm tired of T-shirts, and I want to feel like I'm choking.
Maybe it's a different reason.
- Who cares? - Well, my polite conversation starter certainly touched a nerve.
- Honestly, not that invested.
- I am deeply invested.
And I'll figure out why you're wearing this getup when I get home from school.
You have been warned.
You've been warned.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SCOFFS.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Matthew, get in here.
Is it a mouse? Can we keep it? - Look at this.
- Oh, my God.
Matt Bomer's clothes are sopping wet, but his hair is still perfect.
How? No, I'm talking about the fact that there is pornography - on my son's wall.
- He's fully clothed.
He knows what he's doing.
Vince, you need to accept the fact that Michael is gay.
Uh, I more than accept it, I love it.
Do you have any idea what a mic drop "gay, half-Indian son" is in any argument where I'm deemed offensive.
How can you not see that Michael's too young for this? Michael's growing up.
I mean, you've had "the talk" with him, right? Yeah, you mean the talk about why I deduct taxes from his allowance? Vince, this is part of being a dad.
You're good at lame jokes and saying the name of every sign you drive by.
Maybe you'd be great at this.
All right, okay.
All right, I'll have "the talk" with him.
But in the meantime, this has got to come down.
Isn't it just a little creepy that he looks exactly like me? Well, maybe not the hair or the face or the eyes or the body or the charisma, - income level.
- Okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- I told you I'd find you, Matthew, but why would you wear a tie to a Connecticut Muffin? He's on a date with a nun? The man likes a challenge.
It's just not fair.
It's like I don't exist.
I've been carrying this shame for years, Sister Timothy.
And you just let it happen to me.
There was nothing I could do.
Don't blame me.
Blame the system.
You should've stood up to the system.
I was just a kid.
- Aha! - Michael? How much did you hear? Enough to poison my love of nuns.
"Sound of Music," "Sister Act," "Sister Act 2" You're supposed to be Motown-loving, Nazi-hating heroes.
How could you let this happen to my uncle? Your uncle did this to himself.
Blaming the victim? Wow.
Was it Jesus' fault He was crucified? And that's famously complicated, whereas your uncle's situation is quite straightforward.
He skipped too many classes to graduate from Holy Martyrs Bleeding Feet Academy.
Oh, well, then that's different than what I thought.
[CHAIR CLATTERING.]
Explain, please.
Who do you think you are, taunting my son? [SCOFFS.]
You're not even that cut.
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
This better be good, Vince, I'm trying to win back my paycheck.
I'm just wondering if you ever had "the talk" with Michael? "The Talk"? Yes, Michael loved it.
Really? Oh, yeah, Sharon Osbourne will say anything.
Not "The Talk" on CBS.
- The sex talk in real life.
- Oh, God, no.
But didn't he have sex ed in middle school, you know, where the girls go learn about pregnancy, and the boys just throw bananas at each other? Yeah, but Ohio's so conservative that they teach you that condoms actually increase your chance of STDs.
Well, yeah, but I mean, until condoms are 100% effective, what's the point in using them at all, right? As a mother, as a nurse, and as a human, I beg you, please read a book before you teach my son about sex.
Any book.
It can have pictures.
Mm, don't need to.
I wrote the book, babe.
Anyway, thanks for nothing.
Okay, you're welcome for raising our son alone - for 15 year - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
It's a good thing your husbands are all dead.
This is the saddest mystery I've solved since "Why does my mom have a wedding dress in her closet?" Sister Timothy makes it sound like I never went to class, but it was just one American history.
There was just so much reading.
My girlfriend couldn't do it all for me.
Don't worry lots of smart people didn't graduate high school.
- Joan of Arc, Anne Frank.
- That's true.
Everything turned out fine for them.
Okay, maybe you do need more high school.
I know.
Ever since Vince almost moved to Florida, I've been wondering who else would give me a job without a diploma.
I can't be an escort.
I would keep falling in love.
Wait, but how did Vince not know? The nuns let me walk so I wouldn't shame my family.
If Vince found out now, I know he'd freak out.
Well, this is New York.
If I was able to get a fake ID to see "Girls Trip," we can get you a diploma.
No, I don't want to cheat.
Cheating is a sin.
I'm already way in the red for premarital sex.
Look, if it really means that much to you, why don't you just get your GED? Yeah, that's easy for you to say you know what that is.
It's the high-school equivalency exam.
It's for prisoners and child actors.
Oh, here.
Look, they're offering the test next week.
- I'll help you prepare.
- [SIGHS.]
Michael, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm finally gonna graduate high school.
What's my senior prank gonna be? When Vince graduated, they robbed the principal's house.
- Priya got shot.
- I know.
It's her one good story.
Let's hit the books.
[CALM FUNK MUSIC.]
Allison Williams.
I'd always thought we'd be friends, but not like this.
Hey, buddy.
So can we talk for a second? Look, I, uh, noticed you redecorated, and I thought this poster would be a little cooler than the one of your dad's identical twin Matt Bomer.
- Oh, God, no.
- Yeah, I just think the poster of the guy from the show "Suits" is a bit unsuitable [CHUCKLES.]
For a child's bedroom.
Matt Bomer is "White Collar.
" Princess Meghan is from "Suits.
" Exactly.
The man's not even on "Suits.
" However, this guy here, star of Peter Pan.
Plus, maybe this is you rubbing off on me, he's hot.
I agree.
I mean, a woman who plays a boy that never grows up is a much more appropriate choice for a kid my age than a beautiful role model.
Thank you.
Do those words make this over? Yeah.
Wow, that was easier than I expected.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Cool.
But if you ever wanted to talk - about this region - I don't.
- Okay, but when you do - I won't, ever.
Cool.
Then I'll let you two playas play.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
So how'd it go? Did you do the rap about consent that I taught you? Didn't need it.
He said he wasn't ready for "the talk.
" He even agreed that he was too young for the Bomer poster.
Man, I am good at this parenting stuff.
I should probably write a book.
"Act Like a Cool Guy, Think Like a Dad.
" [IMITATES EXPLOSION, CHUCKLES.]
Amazing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Hmm.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hey, guys.
Getting in some lunch action? Nom, nom, nom, am I right? [CHUCKLES.]
Anyways, the real reason why I came here was to invite you guys to my photography show on the 25th.
I wish I could go, but on the 25th, I got to feed my sister birds.
Did you say "feed your sister's birds" or "feed your sister birds"? - Hey, I can't go, okay? - Me either.
Whenever I go to a gallery, people think I'm the art.
That's how I ended up in a Russian storage facility for a year.
Dana, I'm out, too, okay? Art doesn't come from privilege.
The only art I like was made by Guantanamo inmates and elephants.
And I have a policy not to go to any of my employees' events.
I like to think that when you guys leave this place, you disappear.
I understand.
Those all sound like really good reasons.
Hey, Vince.
Quick question.
If Michael agreed he was too young to talk about sex stuff, then why did I find a new one of these - hidden underneath his bed? - What? Marry, bang, kill so easy.
Why would Michael want to hide that from you? Because Vince feels that Michael is too young to be thinking about S-E-X U-A-L-I-T-Y - A-N-D - Stop.
Vince, you have to have an open, honest discussion with Michael.
Sex is confusing.
Hookup apps, rainbow parties, rope-a-dopes, Abu Dhabis, cake pops, burger envy, turkey pardons, voting rights, Adele Dazeems, Good & Plentys, WhatsApp, first dates.
Oh, okay, all right, but if you talk about sex, isn't that just gonna encourage him to do it? That's why my dad didn't have the sex talk with me, and I turned out fine, - You got a girl pregnant in high school.
- Oh, so none of that was Priya's fault? Hey, sex talks are important.
My pop taught me a woman can't get pregnant if she eats a bowl of piping hot soup.
And either that's true, or I'm sterile.
My mom's a doctor, and on my 12th birthday, she gave me a model of a woman's vagina.
It was really cool, actually.
But we got kicked out of Six Flags.
But what can I teach Michael? Everything I know about gay sex I learned from graffiti.
Yes, God forbid a straight white man has to learn about something outside of his comfort zone.
You're really confirming my decision to kill you.
Okay, fine.
Where do I start? It's not my job to educate you.
No, it's your job to train four back-to-back clients this afternoon and then switch out all the urinal cakes.
I will help you, friend.
This speech is my recital I think it's very vital To rock a rhyme that's right on time "It's Tricky" is the title, here we go It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky Next? It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky T-t-tricky, tricky, tr-r-r-icky I met this little girlie Namaste.
Went to her house and bust her out I had to leave real early [LAUGHING.]
All they just say is, "Please me" Or spend some time and rock a rhyme Apollo sent a dozen Americans to It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky - How is it, D? - It's tricky Tricky, tricky, tr-r-r-icky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky, huh! 72%.
That's great.
But when I took one at work, I failed.
You can do this.
You know, if you start to panic, just think about how good Ryan Reynolds will be as you in the movie "Michael's Song.
" "Michael's Song"? Shouldn't it be about me? Yes, God forbid there's an openly gay diverse lead in a Hollywood blockbuster.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Michael, you in there? I'm coming.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay, if it itches, scratch it if it burns Oh, hey, let me, uh, holla at you for a little bit here, player.
I was thinking it was time to discuss your changing body and address any LGBTQIA2 questions that you might have.
No, it's fine.
I'm a little boy.
I like childish things like "Peter Pan" and juice boxes and Harry Potter.
Okay, be that as it may, I worked really hard on this conversation, so we're gonna have it.
HPV vaccinations.
Now, that ship sailed a long, long, long time ago for me, but you got to get one, stat, - and here's why.
- Oh! Oh, my God.
Wait, is that you? What? Oh, so I look like this guy, - but not Mr.
Shirt in the Pool? - Yeah.
You know what? Forget it, that's okay.
Moving on to something a little bit more fun.
Erections why do we need 'em? Why can't we just lay back, do nothing, and orgasm no problemo, like the women do? Oh, my gosh, please stop.
Please stop.
Make this end.
Hey, uh, uh, don't worry.
Only four more short hours, a little role-playing exercise, - and then it's all done.
- No, stop.
I'm not talking to you about any of this.
I just want to figure it out the old-fashioned way ask a closeted art teacher.
- Well, here's the test site.
- Yes.
Is everything okay? I'm gonna need you're A game for my good luck hug.
Yeah, sorry.
I was just wondering do you think my poster of Matt Bomer is that inappropriate? Inappropriate? No.
Shockingly sexual? Sure.
Hey, hey, but there's nothing wrong with that.
When I was your age, I had already gone through four Carmen Sandiego posters.
Thanks.
Whatever that is you're talking about - makes me feel better.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
Well, I think the test is about to start.
I still feel like I didn't study enough about women or Native Americans.
Eh, they never ask about that stuff.
America's a white man's game.
You're gonna ace it.
And tonight you'll get an email saying you passed.
- Thanks, Michael.
- I doubt it.
I take this test every year, and I never pass.
You're gonna be fine.
Paris Hilton got her GED.
[INHALES AND EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, Vince, hey.
Is this your crying spot? Mine's usually my car, but Asher has it this week.
He went to the water park by himself.
Huh? No, just sucking on a rolled up piece of paper.
Took it up after I quit smoking.
Just a straight white guy struggling to give a meaningful "bees and the bees" talk.
- Are you crying? - Yeah.
Uh, but I will just bottle it up and go back to work like I always do.
Hey, no, no, come on.
Have a drag.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Whoo! Strong.
[IMITATES COUGHING.]
I've got the munchies.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay, don't make it lame.
So, uh, what's going on? Eh, it turns out my boyfriend, Asher, can't come to the art show either.
He has a meeting to discuss his screenplay, "Broke-lyn.
" Well, look, if it's that important to you, uh, I'll go.
Still beats being at home.
Pretty sure I permanently traumatized Michael.
Last night he woke up in a cold sweat shouting, "Chlamydia!" Ah, he'll be fine.
I mean, my parents were a disaster.
And I have a fulfilling life of bi-weekly sex with Asher.
Or is it semi-weekly? Which one is less? I don't know.
Oh, fine.
I'll pick it up.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hey, Matthew.
Can I borrow your Black Eyed Peas CD? I got a feeling I'm about to clean the oven.
What the heck? Vince, you can't just walk into my room.
There's always a chance I'm wrapping your birthday present.
What's with the textbooks, nerd? [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
They're for the GED.
I took it today because I never graduated high school.
Mm, what? [CHUCKLES.]
Dude, I was at your graduation.
I shouted "Baba Booey" when they handed you your diploma.
And it was hilarious.
But the real joke was, instead of my diploma, - they gave me this.
- What? How's that possible? Dude, do you know what I sacrificed for you to go to that school? Sacrifice? What do you mean? Vince was looking good for a minor-league team when I started having trouble in public school.
Our dad had just died, so he moved back home to run the gym and pay for my education.
Wait, so Vince is the good guy? But his face? Look, I'm sorry, all right? History was just too hard.
Hey, I didn't like school either, but I didn't quit.
This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
I'm a disappointment.
You're not a disappointment, all right? I wasn't smart enough to steal the neighbor's cable, but you were, and now we never have to read again.
Plus, you took the GED.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
Yeah.
They just sent me the test results.
And it turns out I just failed.
- What? - Hey.
Excuse me.
I'm going to need another week or two before I make eye contact again.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Matthew, you okay? You've been locked in there all day.
Can't hide forever.
Just leave me alone! I'm officially an uneducated white man.
The only thing I'm qualified to do is explain things to educated white women.
Okay, well, um, I got to go to Dana's art show.
The gallery turns back into a karate dojo at 6:00, so can we talk about this later? Later, now, then how do I know the difference? I failed history.
- Just go.
- Go to Dana's.
I'll make sure Matthew doesn't do anything stupid.
Yeah, good luck.
Everything I do is stupid.
Thanks.
At least I know I'm leaving one grown-up in charge.
I'm hungry.
Can someone slide a slice of pizza under my door? There's a protein bar under your pillow.
Cookies and cream? I don't like this flavor! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Vince, you came.
- Yeah.
What do you think? My mom says it's too smart to show any of her friends.
Yes, it's, um provocative.
- Is there food here? - Just food for thought.
At real art shows, we want people to think about the work, not their stomachs.
Had that answer spring-loaded.
That's the only question people have been asking me.
- Yeah, I bet.
- Anyways thank you so much for coming.
- It means so much.
- No problem, no problem.
Are these babies kissing? Is that legal? Ooh, say that louder.
The scandal will attract the media.
Right.
- Oh, this is my favorite one.
- Ah.
After I took this photo, the baby fell of the stool.
Wow, look at this guy.
Just a baby with dreams of performing like Michael on Broadway, and maybe writing his own musical.
Yes, because aren't we all just children? I don't see that at all.
It's that children are more grown-up than we want to admit.
Ah, jeez.
[CHUCKLES.]
I do not like how this is making me so emotional.
Oh, no, let it.
- Great art does that.
- Yeah, great art does that, but this? [CHUCKLES.]
I can't believe I'm feeling so much.
Oh, my God, this is, like, the worst moment in my life, easily.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
I thought this Mm.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Asher! - Babe.
Nick Cannon wants to make "Broke-lyn" as a limited series for the Fitbit.
[LAUGHS.]
Dreams do come true.
That's amazing! Hey, Asher, congrats.
That's awesome.
I one time saw Nick Cannon at a Foot Locker.
Oh, cool, man.
You know, not every story needs to be told.
[LAUGHS.]
Like "Broke-lyn"? Look, I'm gonna peace out.
Gonna talk to Michael.
I have one more chance before he puts himself up for adoption.
Michael, why are we here? I'm too dumb to eat a muffin.
I'll probably eat the paper.
[MICHAEL GRUNTS.]
Well, lookee here.
Someone's getting their lemon poppy-seed fix on the collection plate's dime.
I just gave last rites to a mother of five.
When I bite into my muffin, for one second, I don't hear the echoes of her death rattle.
But, please, how can I help you? That was a lot.
Okay, look, my uncle deserves his diploma.
- Sure, he missed a few classes.
- 40.
He missed 40 classes.
Because he was embarrassed.
He struggled so much, it became easier for him not to try.
Can't you just forgive him? Jesus didn't graduate high school, and He invented sandals.
Imagine what He could've done if He had been encouraged.
I always did think you might have a learning disability, Matthew.
Thank you.
I won't give Matthew his diploma, but he can earn it.
You can get your degree the same way you could've back when you were in school by finishing your course work.
I won't let you down, Sister Timothy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What is this? Cookies, dramatic lighting? It looks like "To Catch a Predator.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Actually, uh, if it's okay with you, I'd like to revisit "the talk.
" Cool.
So I'm gonna shove all these cookies in my mouth to make myself choke.
- Please don't save me.
- Look, I realize why I was being so weird about the poster.
Yes, the sex stuff is awkward, but I couldn't admit that if you've grown up, that means I missed your entire childhood.
Well, it was iconic.
My first word was "yaass.
" The nurse thought I was just crying, but I've always had haters.
Well, I'm sorry I wasn't there for that And everything else, except for Little League.
I would've been a monster.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, for what it's worth, I still feel like a kid most days.
I've never gotten drunk.
I've never shaved.
And the only guy I've ever kissed is my souvenir Oscar.
Hey, I can work with that.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, um, as far as this region goes, how about I just prepare myself as best I can for any questions you might have, and you can ask them if and when you're ready? And instead of "the talk," it'll be more of an ongoing conversation.
That sounds kind of awkward, which maybe actually means you're just parenting.
Ooh! Like, better than your mom, right? Please.
Okay, well, just, uh, go check out your room.
[GASPS.]
I love it.
Sometimes the sexiest thing is what you don't see.
What if nobody likes me? What if everybody likes me, drawing the ire of the queen bee? - What? - Class, this is Matthew.
Why don't you go over there and have a seat between Laura and Ava? Oh, God, they look cool.
I feel so fat.
If you're fat, what am I? Come on, park it.
Hey, uh, Sister Timothy, where are all the boys? They proved a distraction to the priests.
They had to go.
The boys had to go? Hey, I'm Matthew.
Who's your least favorite parent? My dad's the worst.
He won't get me unlimited data, and he's in jail.
Ugh, my life is so boring.
My dad is so attentive.
Hey, so is there a men's room in this building, or is it more like a "Hidden Figures" âtype situation for me?