Children Ruin Everything (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [KEYPADS CLACKING.]
♪ God, the houses in PEI are so cheap.
- Mm-hm.
- We should move there.
What is that? Like Anne of Green Gables? I can't live like that.
I think it's modern now.
Mm.
I can't risk it.
[CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
[LAUGHS.]
What do you got? Felix and Viv locked themselves in my mom's bathroom.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Not our problem tonight, mother.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's not our problem.
What are we doing on our phones? We got wine, we've got each other.
It's only 9:30.
Get ready for the night of your [JAMES SNORING.]
[ALARM BEEPING.]
Is that our car alarm? - Who'd steal our car? - It's a bad car! Is that the Is that the carbon monoxide detector? Nice! Who's the stargazer? Oh.
Yeah, that would be me.
[CHUCKLES.]
You check out that Saturn Jupiter conjunction last year? Oh! No.
I But I'll definitely get the next one.
Maybe.
It's in sixty years.
Oh.
It's on YouTube I'm sure, so You got a lot of towels over there by the furnace.
Oh.
Well, that explains the carbon monoxide.
No.
That's just a straight-up fire hazard.
Like your house is perfect.
- What's that? - ASTRID: Huh? Okay, so your leak is coming from your water heater.
Which I assume came with the house.
- Yeah, we're also assuming that.
- Sure.
Well, that has to be replaced ASAP.
Now, how ASAP is ASAP? Yeah, we got a roof issue that's been ASAP for years.
While we're ASAP-ing things, I love a skylight in the mudroom.
- [JAMES CHUCKLES.]
- I'd say pretty ASAP.
If that alarm hadn't gone off, you both would've been dead by morning.
♪ FIREFIGHTER: Hey, who likes to fish? That's a fun hobby.
You want one of these? No, I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
Before kids, we never thought about death.
Too busy living.
JAMES: We could take risks like speeding or eating day-old sushi.
ASTRID: I used to walk through High Park alone, at night, with headphones on.
JAMES: Now, the riskiest thing I do is jaywalk or pet a dog I don't know.
Because we have to stay alive.
ASTRID: And we have to keep our kids alive, which isn't easy.
Because the Venn diagram of things that exist and things that can hurt your kids is just a circle.
Poisoned by gas! That's [STUTTERS.]
Is there a more embarrassing way to die? So you wanna die in a cool way, like a volcano or drowning with Harry Styles? How are you so calm? Our house is attacking us.
We almost died.
No, we didn't.
I cut my finger on mailbox the other day.
Could've been my throat.
House is trying to kill us.
Okay.
I'm gonna go let the bed smother me to sleep.
We've kids again tomorrow.
♪ FELIX: My bad.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Hello.
Come in.
Kids have been absolute angels.
Thank you so much Mom! Really? Marshmallows out of the bag? Treats are allowed at Nanima's house.
Those are the rules.
It's ten in the morning.
Hi! - Mommy! - Daddy! Yeah.
- Hi.
Oh, my goodness! - Love you.
Wow.
What's all this? Nanima said I look beautiful.
Well, you're always beautiful and smart and impressionable.
[SCOFFS.]
Why don't you guys go see if there's marshmallows in the cushions? So, what did you two do last night? Just give a wink if it was R-rated.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Mom, no, nothing.
It was quiet, very quiet.
We watched a movie, went to bed.
Almost got smothered to death by a carbon monoxide leak.
- What? - Really? We need to warn people about being poisoned.
Oh, my God! Well, did you find the source? Fine.
We just needed a new water heater.
Well, you are lucky to be alive.
You can never be too careful.
I had a friend who died - From falling down.
- What? The distance from her head to the floor was enough to kill her.
Dead.
- Please tell me she was tall.
- Five-one.
Don't worry, if you two drop dead - Mom! - I will happily step up and raise the cuties.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
We cannot leave our kids with Nisha when we if we die.
Can you stop talking about this? We're gonna be so old.
We're gonna be disgusting.
We'll be dragging our skin around, throwing it over our shoulders and high-fiving our great-grandkids.
Oh, my God! You're freaking out too.
All right.
I'm freaking out, okay? Here it is.
I'm freaking out.
Are you happy? No.
We just need a plan.
All right, fine.
When I die, would you just put me in an urn like Rhubarb? We need a plan for the people we leave behind.
Rhubarb didn't have a mortgage or kids.
Oh, God.
He would have been such a great dad.
We need a legal guardian, so that my last thought isn't "Should I take the kids with me or?" All right.
We'll do it.
We'll talk about it.
We'll decide.
And once we have, we're never talking about death again.
Agreed.
So who are these lucky bastards who inherit our kids? But I can never get used to the jet lag, going to Singapore.
I had to fire an entire marketing team, on essentially no sleep.
- Oh no.
- Oh.
It's okay.
Slept like a baby on the way back.
Pods in first class, quiet comfy.
Mm.
Anyway.
Um So, there's actually a reason that James and I asked you both over tonight.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, we were talking about what great parents you are.
- And aunt and uncle.
- Yes.
Amazing.
So good, in fact - Such good work.
- that we want - You wanna? Okay.
- Mm-hm.
We would like you to be Felix and Viv's legal guardians.
You know, if anything ever happened to us.
Um Yeah.
I mean, that's a big O Kay.
What? Yeah.
- Okay? - Mm-hm.
You know, if it's too much of a hassle, we can just drop our kids off at the State of the Dark Web.
Oh, God, no! We love Felix and Viv.
We would absolutely take care of them if something happened to you.
I would take a bullet for either of them! Would you? Take a bullet from who, Dawn? If James and I die, it's not gonna involve the Mob.
That's comforting to know how you won't die.
I've always known that my death won't involve stones.
You sure? Will you take our children? Of course we would take them.
It's just Two more kids plus Corey, there's a lot to consider.
Have you put savings aside? Are you asking me how much they're worth? No.
But, there are practical financial realities attached to dying, you know, Astrid.
Yeah, thanks, Dawn! I do know, thanks! Relax, we're not about to dine and dash on life.
Here's the deal.
We're fairly solid.
We own almost an eighth of this house.
Plus, a car! Plus, a car, that's not a great car, - But snow tires.
- It's got snow tires.
Um, do you have life insurance and RESPs for the kids? [SCOFFS.]
Obviously, Bo.
We're not animals.
- [CHOKES.]
- Oh, my God! Are you okay? Don't look.
Don't look.
Wrong pipe.
Wrong pipe.
- We are animals.
- No, no we're not.
I mean, yeah, technically we are.
But not the bad kinds like muskrats or Have you ever seen a hagfish? Just need life insurance.
Why? So we can get back to my sister with a sexier offer? And we can start living.
Like, truly living.
What does that mean? Mm, like travel.
You know, discovering new places.
You wanna be a colonizer? I could leave my job for a year.
Or forever, because you hate your job.
No, we could go to India.
We take the kids to India, start a farm, maybe.
Like a We'll learn to farm and then start our What is happening? Is this a cute little preview of your mid-life crisis? I'd No, I just Is this the best life we could be living or just the safest? ASTRID: Hey.
Hey, pal.
You just lurkin'? I had a nightmare.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So did your daddy and he's not able to sleep.
♪ What were you guys talking about? Oh, nothing.
Why does daddy wanna be a farmer? [CHUCKLES.]
He doesn't.
He hates fertilizer.
Okay, you have one more question and then sleep, okay? Okay.
What happens when you die? [CHUCKLES.]
Do you still have birthdays? Well, you don't really get older, so there's not really any point.
Okay, sleep tight.
Right? Can you tell when it's gonna be your last birthday ever? Um No one No one really knows when it's gonna be their last birthday.
You only get one life.
And when that's over it's over forever.
Just one more reason to make every birthday special.
To make everyday special.
Do worms pee? Are you kidding me? I just gave you a great answer.
You need to go to sleep now, okay? - Good night.
- Good night.
♪ [TUBELIGHT CRACKLES.]
[PHOTOCOPIER WHIRS.]
[STAPLER CLICKING.]
[HEART BEATING.]
ENNIS: James.
- You okay? - Yeah.
I'm okay.
Why? Well, we can't both not be working.
It's too conspicuous.
We could trade off, if you want.
Or you could just go back to working all the time.
I prefer that.
[SIGHS.]
MARLA: Okay.
We need all hands on deck for what I can only describe as a crisis.
Okay, what is it? Kiwis.
Our California supplier is experiencing a kiwi shortage due to a root-fungus plague.
Oh.
Yeah.
I've had that before.
And because we're not one of the big chains, they're icing us out.
What about another supplier? We can't afford to offend our regular supplier by going somewhere else for a one-off.
It's too risky.
Damn it! Doesn't sound like there's anything we could do about it.
We will get kiwis into our stores, so help me God, Ennis.
Well, we're not the ones taking a risk, Marla.
Our suppliers need us more than we need them.
I don't usually like to be contradicted, James, but it sounds like you want to exploit someone's weakness.
Oh, yeah.
He can be ruthless.
One time when we were roommates, he used fruit flies' love of fruit against them, to devastating effect.
It was a slaughter.
Okay.
We're gonna go with James' new supplier plan and I will try and keep the board at bay with emails.
This is the crisis? There's people in the world with not enough food and we're worried about fruit salad in Burlington.
Yeah.
It's stupid that we have to work.
Kiwis are the ones that look like dinosaur eggs, right? ♪ Hey, Viv.
Be careful with the fingers.
Okay? So, any plans for the weekend? Uh, probably just sleep in, catch up on reality shows.
[SHOUTS.]
Cooper, I swear to Christ, slow the F down! [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Drink a bottle of wine or two.
Oh.
Weekend without the kids, then.
[SCOFFS.]
I wish.
Dynasty, don't eat dirt! What about you? Oh.
Not much.
Um, can I ask you a question? Do you have life insurance? I'm not selling it, I'm just curious.
Uh, Ashley Lynn Mercedes, get your hands out of your pants! God! Who has time for life insurance? [SIGHS.]
I can't tell you, I'm so happy to hear you say that.
'Cause I've been feeling like such a loser for not having it.
Oh, my gosh! Please! Life is busy enough.
And what now we have all these baking videos, you know, making us feel like shit 'cause we can't bake a cake that looks like a bag of Doritos.
Yes! Preach it.
And everyone is just like, "Get a family doctor, "get their ears tested, get them vaccinated, "wear a mask" and on and on and on.
I mean, you should probably get them vaccinated.
I mean, who knows what to believe anymore.
Plus, two out of four are vaccinated.
Okay.
So, you're just hedging your bets on immunity? Yes.
Exactly, thank you.
You get it.
We're the same.
- Okay.
- Cooper! Cooper, do not touch that dead squirrel.
♪ JAMES: We got a new water heater.
Wanna rock-paper-scissors to see who gets the first hot shower? No, I'll just go first.
I found an insurance company.
Oh.
That's great.
Takes the pressure off of, you know, staying alive.
Yeah.
They're gonna send someone over to give us an assessment this weekend.
So, the healthier we are, the lower the premium.
We're healthy.
Look at us.
Well, we drink.
And when was the last time you smoked? Weed's legal now.
And also, it was like, half a joint a month ago.
Also, it was hash, I think.
You smoked hash? Where? That night.
With the boys.
Okay.
Well, that will cost us thousands of dollars a year.
If they find out.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Yeah, come on in.
You're the insurance lady? Sorry.
Hi.
Yes, I'm June.
No.
Sorry.
I'm Jen.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, jeez! It's okay, it's all right.
I forgot you were coming.
Actually, I totally did.
I was going back to do my 10K.
But it's all right, I'll do twenty tomorrow.
What does the K stand for? Hey, look who it is? Jen, this is my wife Astrid.
- She's the smoothie-head.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- ASTRID: Hi.
Honey, quick question.
What would you like for dinner? Quinoa or spelt? Spelt.
Just saying the word makes my mouth water.
Spelt.
FELIX: Mom, where are the gummy worms? At the store, where we left 'em.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Where do they get that? - Not with us.
Okay, so I'm gonna ask you some standard health questions.
Uh, don't be nervous.
Just be honest.
What? People actually lie? These things are so unnecessary.
James, stop.
Okay, do either of you smoke? - No.
- Never.
Okay.
And do you drink? Glass of wine or two with dinner.
- Maybe on the weekends.
- I mean, not even sure.
- Always with food.
- Always with food.
But a lot of I mean, we try to balance, so yeah.
Red meat? - Just not a big fan.
- Rarely.
Love a pun.
Absolutely.
How often do you exercise? BOTH: Three to five times a week.
Okay.
Um, what about marijuana consumption? - Gross.
- Not a fan.
You know what? You guys are so healthy.
- Oh.
I don't - Oh.
Us? You're kidding.
This is you saving a dead person.
Oh, aren't you just the sweetest? Thank you.
And this is a picture of a ghost trying to eat a pizza.
But his ghost mouth keeps going through it.
Oh my goodness! I can barely draw my own name most days.
Thank you! All right.
You're ideal customers.
Honestly, I wish my life was half as together as yours.
But it's not.
'Cause I made some mistakes about seven years ago.
So, once we complete your physical exam I'll get out of your hair.
- Physical? - Physical? - Of course.
- ASTRID: Oh, crap.
We thought the exam was more like a written test.
[JEN CHUCKLES.]
Hey, it's as you said, you guys are healthy.
These tests, they're just gonna prove that.
Yeah Oh.
Hi.
James and I have opened RESPs for the kids which we will contribute to regularly.
How wonderful.
We are also getting life insurance which covers everything except skydiving accidents and acts of war.
If however, and this is important, we get murdered by you or Bo, you will get nothing.
Bo wouldn't hurt a fly.
Are my kids good enough for you now, Dawn? Bo and I were always happy to take them.
Always.
We just had some money questions, that's all.
Three kids is a lot of kids.
No, it isn't.
It's not unmanageable.
People do it.
Three of anything is too much.
Two cars is reasonable, three is pure vanity.
Two beers is a nice drive home, three, potential manslaughter.
Two bananas is a lot Two examples is enough, three is carrying on a bit.
Look, just so you know, James and I would be happy to take Corey, if anything ever happened to you or Bo.
No questions asked.
No, if anything happens to us, Corey's gonna live with Bo's brother.
- What? - Well, Trevor has the cottage, he's well off and has no heirs.
Wow.
All right.
If you guys die after we both die, Trevor takes our kids too.
Checkmate! ♪ [SIGHS.]
You guys got burgers? We're celebrating.
Today was a thrilling, challenging, magical day.
The guy I called is gonna sell us some kiwis? Cute little hairy apples.
And we terminated our agreement with the old supplier.
A message to the produce world that we will not be screwed with.
No, no, no.
A new supplier in Chile means a way larger carbon footprint.
As unfortunate as that is, the environment doesn't sit on the board.
And the board is impressed by you.
Great.
It is great, because they've agreed to make you regional manager of the new franchises.
Hey.
Come on.
Now he's not my boss now, right? We're still equals? You and I are gonna be here for a long time, James.
I've got big plans for us.
You should have a celebration burger.
All right, I mean, fun.
♪ [HEART BEATING.]
ENNIS: Hey, James.
I don't want it.
Okay, well, they have a non-meat option I think, if that's what I can't do this anymore.
I can't be a lifer here.
I quit.
[SIGHS.]
♪ Mm-hm.
Okay, I'm gonna just go.
♪ ♪ ASTRID: Being a parent means taking on a lot of stress.
You worry about their headaches, you get angry when they use your phone to take pictures of you sleeping.
JAMES: And the stress takes a toll on your body.
High blood pressure, increased chance of diabetes, can take years off your life.
ASTRID: The stress might also cause you to make rash, life-changing decisions without first checking-in with your JAMES: Yeah, more of a health thing though, which is why so much of parenting is about calming down.
ASTRID: Catching your breath, and preparing yourself for more stress.
Okay, but check it again.
Well, check both of them.
Yeah, check.
Triple.
Hey, you're home early.
Everything okay? Yup.
It's I have huge news.
Okay, this is gonna have to wait.
Huh? Oh, my God! This lady? [SIGHS.]
Sorry about that.
I was worried that I left the front door unlocked, but really I just left the stove on.
Okay, it's good you're both here.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, there was a little bit of a mix-up with your blood work at the lab.
It could have been anybody's fault.
Mm.
That's from yesterday.
Pretty lumpy.
Okay.
All right.
So, it seems I found out some stuff that you didn't actually disclose.
- Little sneaks.
- All right, fine.
I smoke weed.
I mean, it's not a lot but it's enough.
In fact, I'm gonna smoke a little bit when you leave.
James.
No, that's not what it was.
But thank you for telling me.
'Cause that's absolutely gonna increase your premiums.
- You bet.
- No, I came to make sure that Astrid really wants to get insured now.
Well, no one really wants to get insured ever.
But what's wrong with now? It's just that it'll be cheaper if you do it after.
After what? The baby.
FELIX: No! Oh, my God! You didn't know you're pregnant! James.
We're having a baby.
I just quit my job.
[HEART BEATING.]
I used to fish a lot when I was a kid.
My dad used to take me to the same fishing hole every summer.
Unfortunately, he stood up in the boat one summer and off he went.
And Well, we searched for hours but we never found him.
But, we did find his rod.
Now, this rod is a very lucky rod.
Which I have written "Nature boy" on the side of.
And that's the kind of rod I take out.
Okay, so you've seen "Nature boy.
" I bring it to truck sometimes to show off.
Because I feel like just having that rod around brings back my father.
It also brings me luck.