Close Enough (2020) s01e07 Episode Script


[♪♪♪]
Ah! A surprising love
is about to bloom in your life.
This is so me and Ron.
Who?
Ron!
I've been texting
and occasionally
sexting him forever.
Tonight, we're finally
meeting face-to-face.
Ron is the first guy I've met
since Alex who seems like
he could be something.
You'd be surprised how hard
it is to find someone
when you're divorced
and living with your ex.
- It's not.
- Not surprising at all.
You might as well be
wearing a red flag.
So, as I was predicting
Mmm!
Look what Ron just sent.
Ooh, I'll sign for that.
Business!
Since they're not paying
attention, you want a reading?
Uh, no, thanks.
I don't believe in that stuff.
You don't need to believe
in psychics
to see that your marriage is
like that salsa:
not so spicy.
[GASPS]
[♪♪♪]
How did you know that?
I say what I see
In my mind!
[CACKLING, THUNDER CRASHING]
Sorry!
These new thunder pants
are louder
than I thought they would be.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Look at you!
A hot date?
What?
No, I'm just going to --
a funeral.
Eh, it's totally cool.
So you're not gonna
lose your shit?
Oh, no.
And ooh, hey,
if you need help
getting laid at that funeral,
I'm a great wingman.
Like the theme song says --
I'll be there for you ♪
Yeah, that's not
where the claps go.
Ooh, you're looking real fine
with that staple gun.
I got to finish my costume
before we go
to the pumpkin patch tonight.
Can't have Candice be
a genie without a lamp.
Come on, Josh. I'm trying to
spice up our love life.
What? Why?
We're spicy.
Not like we used to be.
We used to have sex a lot,
and you'd surprise me
with stuff,
and I'd brag about it
to my friends.
Do you still feel that spark?
I mean, yes, no.
Uh, what's the right answer?
[♪♪♪]
Ugh, another sexy night
making all of Candice's
lunches for the week.
This mayo is getting
more action than I am.
[BUZZING]
Open your closet for a surprise?
Ah!
Oh, sorry.
I was trying to be sexy,
but I have no game.
The surprise is, we're reliving
our first date tonight!
[GASPS]
Our first date, really?
And that's why I think
Best Picture might go to
"Mr. Magorium's
Wonder Emporium."
Rar!
Ah! Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I know things have gotten
a little stale lately, so let's
kick it old-school, back to
when things were the spiciest.
I love this idea!
Hi, I'm meeting someone.
Reservation under Ron, maybe
Ronald 'cause he's classy.
Yes, party of three.
Right this way.
Three?
Bridgette!
Ron Oh, wait.
What?
Hi, I'm Joy!
Is this -- Is this
a Halloween costume or
I've heard so much about you,
but not because
I've been eavesdropping.
That'd be creepy.
It's because
we're sewn together.
No!
I know.
We were young, dumb,
and matching tattoos
weren't strong enough
to express our love.
But you're broken up?
Very.
We're actually getting
unconjoined next month,
but I couldn't wait
any longer to see you.
Look, I understand
if you want to bail,
but after our very
long conversations over text,
I don't know.
I feel connected to you.
Eh, and you did look past
some of my baggage.
Come on.
Give it a chance.
I'll put a tablecloth over her.
I'm just gonna run
to the bathroom for a minute.
I'll be right back.
I'm a great wingman, wingman,
wingman
Five!
Five!
Five!
Five!
You're missing a great show.
He is busting out all the hits!
Did you really mean it when
you said you'd be my wingman?
Uh, no doy.
I used to wing for Josh
in high school.
I was amazing at it.
Funny story, actually
[LAUGHS]
Funny story. Okay.
I'm texting you the address.
It is a funny story, though.
Josh ends up turding
in the pool.
And that's how I climbed
Machu Picchu.
Wow.
I can barely say Micha Picca.
Remember when we got to the top?
We 69ed so hard we passed out.
God, your laugh
makes our knees weak.
Get over here!
Bridgette?
What are you doing here?
Oh, my gosh.
Ron, Joy,
this is Alex, my ex.
Hi, I'm Joy.
Alex!
What am I looking at?
Oh, that?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No big deal, Alex.
They got conjoined
when they were together,
but now they are super apart.
No!
I mean, why are you hiding that
beautiful hair
under a tablecloth?
Oh, I like this one.
May I?
Sure, as long as
you don't mind
our connection over here.
WOMAN: And initial here.
And initial here acknowledging
that you will shit your pants.
Perfect.
Have fun in Hell!
[CACKLING]
Josh.
Emily.
Josh!
I'm right here, okay?
Don't be scared. See?
We're okay.
No phones allowed!
Ah!
Not sexy, not sexy!
[CREAKING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Ah!
Okay.
I'm done.
No spark is worth this.
I guess I can get a refund
on that sex pillow.
What the hell?
Emily! Emily!
Mmm, your hands are so soft.
Thank you!
Almost as soft as the llama
I met hiking Machu Picchu.
Again, I'm not so into hiking.
I feel like
it's just hard walking.
Okay.
Your favorite Viking erotica?
BOTH: "The Glistening Scabbard."
Yes!
Yes!
You know what?
Dinner's on me.
Emily!
Huh?
Josh?
Anybody?
[SNARLING]
[BONES CRACKING]
[ROARING]
Ah!
[JOSH AND EMILY SCREAMING]
[CREATURE ROARING]
Is that its neck
or its butthole?
It's both!
[♪♪♪]
[ECHOING]
Josh?
[RACING FOOTSTEPS]
You'll never find the right me.
Never! Never!
Ah!
Woo!
Ooh, yeah. Woo!
Woo!
You never took me dancing.
I guess I just needed
a little Joy
in my life
to unlock the real me.
Ooh, yeah!
Woo!
I'm so sorry.
Nature calls, and I'm not
talking about Machu Picchu.
[LAUGHS]
That'd be a first.
Don't go anywhere,
my little birdie.
Feed me from your mouth
to my mouth.
Chirp-a, chirp-a, chirp!
Okay.
Your wingman job is done.
We can go.
What? Why?
Because my date is sewn
to his ex
and won't stop
bragging about Macho Pecho.
Well, it sounds like he and Joy
had a transformative experience.
If you like Joy so much,
why don't you just conjoin
with her?
Yes, why don't I?
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Aw, this one looks nice.
Oh, this one will really show
we're in love.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I can't believe you're letting
him conjoin with you guys.
He barely knows
the "Friends" theme song.
If she wants to sit middle seat
in this flight called life,
then so be it.
Ooh, somebody is full.
Kiss me!
Mmm, more tongue, yeah.
Mmm, just look at this tum-tum.
Now, let's do other sex stuff.
When Joy and I used to have sex,
we'd call it the panini press,
but we'd have to be
conjoined to do that.
That's it!
We're conjoining too!
What's that now?
I'm sorry?
Josh!
Emily!
Give up now. It was better
in the past anyway.
I'm not giving up!
And now Candice will be
an orphan,
all because you lost your spark.
An orphan, what?
Don't you get it?
You died in the haunted house.
- We're
- dead?
We can't be dead.
No way!
It's true.
Remember that tree
in the graveyard?
[ZIPPING]
No! It's not true!
Emily!
Josh!
Don't move.
I'll be right there.
Josh!
Ah!
Gah!
Unh!
Yah!
[GLASS BREAKING]
When that demon was chasing me,
all I could think about was
that I'd never see you again.
I thought I'd never see you
again either.
I'm sorry we're dead.
I just wanted to reconnect
with you.
Me too.
I may be physically dead,
but you know what's not dead?
Oh, I know.
[♪♪♪]
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[LIGHTS CLUNKING ON]
You can stop making out now.
You're not really dead,
and we've got to bring
in another couple
to psychologically torture.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Hello?
Please!
Ugh.
Oh, my-God-isn't-real,
you're jealous.
Wha?
What, of who?
Oh, you can't stand to see me
finally over you.
Just say it.
Never!
Come on, Ron.
We're getting sewn together.
Not if we do it first!
[GROANING, GRUNTING]
Stop!
Bridgette, I can't attach myself
to someone
who's clearly not detached
from their ex.
I'm not detached?
You're literally sewn
to your ex.
But we can cut ourselves apart.
You can't cut apart feelings.
Oh, great, now you say
something interesting.
Alex, what we have
is nice, but
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on. Come on. What?
It's not like I've already
written a part of my memoir
where I described her teeth
or anything.
You know what my teeth
look like?
Of course I do.
They're all the pieces
that make up your smile.
Mmm, aww.
Oh, I want that.
Yeah
And I want to masturbate alone.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
[BATS SCREECHING]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Wha--
[GRUNTING]
Oowie.
[♪♪♪]
Jackpot!
[GRUNTING]
[GROWLING]
Professor, a little help!
Uh, yeah, just hang on.
I gotta take this call.
What?!
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
[GROWLS]
Should have stayed dead,
moldy bitch!
[♪♪♪]
Professor!
I'm sorry.
Can you say that one more time?
[ROARS]
[SCREAMS]
Thanks a lot, Mom.
You set off all the booby traps.
Yes, Mr. Salt, I'll e-mail
the project managers right now.
Time for bed!
My mom won't play
board games with me, either.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SINGSONG VOICE]
Mom!
We never finished
Grave Rollers from last night.
You know I love Grave Rollers,
but I have to go to work.
Ugh! You're missing a lot
of stuff 'cause of work.
Candice is right.
You have kind of been
being a doormat for Mr. Salt.
Maybe I do say yes a lot,
but I can't lose my job.
It gets us important stuff,
like health insurance.
My job gets us
important stuff, too.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
More like 20% off Ethernet
cables that no one uses.
Ah.
Look, I know I've been
super busy with work lately,
so I came up with a plan.
You know how Food Corps
has a P.R. nightmare
every couple weeks?
MR. SALT: "Condom Found in Woman's Can"?
What, are we supposed
to inspect every can now?
Okay, we need a crazy publicity
stunt to distract everyone.
Go! We could sponsor a
garden at my daughter's school.
Wait, wait.
I have an idea.
What if we sponsor a garden at
my assistant's kid's school?
So you're coming to my school
today to garden with us?
- Yep!
- Yay!
I could come help
with the garden, too.
No, no, I don't want
to interrupt your day.
You're on call,
and that's important.
Ready for a day
of skipping rocks, bro?
Welcome, everyone.
Our little garden
is turning into
a big Food Corps
community garden project,
all thanks to Candice's mom.
Jerry Plembladd,
L.A. Weekly.
Is this community event
merely an attempt
to divert attention away
from the used condom
that was found --
Okay, it was not used.
It's not just the garden.
We're gonna have
a fancy celebration dinner,
and you're all invited.
And it's all gonna happen
tonight, right, Emily?
Yes, Mr. Salt.
[RECORDERS PLAYING]
You won't find any condoms here.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Okay, class.
Line up for Yoga Snack Time.
Wait, I thought the children
would help me garden.
And the whole point was to spend
more time with Can-- them.
Oh, honey, the school doesn't
have the legal team for that.
Instead, we nurture
their inner emotional garden.
Okay, Mommy's going to work
on the garden for your class,
but later, it's just you, me,
and Grave Rollers!
Hmm. I'm not holding my breath,
which is really fun to do.
[♪♪♪]
Huh! Waahh!
Your rock-throwing
seems off today.
You okay, bro?
Do you think I'm useless, Randy?
Emily's job gets us
health insurance and stuff,
and mine doesn't
get us anything.
You gotta think of yourself
like a rock.
You spend most of your life
not doing much.
But when you do
it's beautiful.
[BIRDS SCREECH]
[GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, man!
Why did I fill this
with assorted nuts?
SNAILATHAN GOLD: Don't stop now.
You were doing such a good job.
Huh?
[GASPS]
[SLURPING]
Aah!
Creepy giant snail!
Sorry.
Didn't mean to startle you.
I just make that noise sometimes
when I'm hungry.
Yeah, well,
don't get your hopes up.
There's no way
I can finish this garden.
Perhaps I can be of service.
You need more time,
and I've got a magic hat.
What is that, an expression?
No, no, I've literally got
a magic hat
that can slow down time.
What if I made you a deal?
I'll let you use the hat
to work the garden,
and in return,
you give me a free pass to
nibble on the vegetation.
[SNEEZES]
Okay.
Go ahead, try using it
on the garden.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Wow!
What a time saver!
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Hello, Mr. Salt.
MR. SALT: Emily, I need you
to pick up the mini tuxes
from the rental place
and have them on my desk ASAP.
Mini tuxes?
Mr. Salt,
the dinner's in an hour.
I know. That's why
when you're done with that,
you can stop by
Javier's Dance Studio
to learn the choreography
to teach the children.
Ooh, the press is gonna
eat this up.
Okay. I'll handle it.
Knock, knock!
On my way home,
I passed the Domingo's truck,
and I brought you
some carnitas tacos.
[SNIFFS] Oh, the aroma alone
conveys the sensation
of slithering down
the streets of Cuernavaca,
and I've not even been there.
[♪♪♪]
So, anyway,
some work stuff came up,
and I was wondering if I
could borrow that hat again?
Unfortunately, the hat's
only for the garden.
Come on.
No!
It's not my fault
you put too many ingredients
in your parenting paella.
[GASPS]
What's that supposed to mean?!
It means you're a shit parent.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for a little
post-taco siesta.
[YAWNS]
Don't tell me
how to be a working mom.
I've got too much ♪
Time on my hands ♪
It's hard to believe
such a calamity ♪
I've got too much ♪
Time on my hands ♪
And it's ticking away ♪
Ticking away from me ♪
MR. SALT: Wow.
I gotta hand it to you, Ramirez.
You really took care
of everything.
Thanks, Mr. Salt.
It was nothing.
Oh, don't be modest.
I can tell that
it was really stressful,
judging by those
massive crow's feet.
Crow's feet? I didn't have
these this morning.
Don't be embarrassed.
Let them ca-caw loud and proud!
[♪♪♪]
Uh
[SLURPING]
[GASPS]
Aah!
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Huh?
[CANDICE SCREAMS]
Candice!
Are you okay?
He scared me.
Well, well, well.
Looks like someone
couldn't get enough of the hat.
And look at you, aging rapidly
with every disgusting tip of it.
[GASPS]
I warned you
of the consequences,
and yet you still chose
to break our deal.
Consequences? You didn't say
anything about that.
Perhaps I was talking
too fast for you.
I'll let you use the hat
to work the garden,
and in return,
you give me a free pass to
nibble on the vegetation.
[SNEEZES]
Any use of the hat
outside the garden
will result in rapid aging,
acquisition of child,
and may cause anal leakage.
I, myself, can vouch for that.
I would have never
agreed to that.
- But you already did!
- Aah!
- [GASPS]
- Mommy!
- [GASPS]
- What's happening?!
Mommy's too busy to care now.
But we're going to have
some fun together.
Maybe go see a movie,
maybe play some board games,
or use these chubby little legs
of yours to run to Chinatown
so I can finally savor
some pork dumplings!
Run for me, my tiny beauty!
- Run!
- No!
I can't feel my body!
[PANTING]
I got you.
[GASPS]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
[GASPS]
A call.
Josh, I know this sounds crazy,
but I used a magic hat
way too many times,
and I'm in way over my head
at the dinner,
and I need your help.
I'll be right there!
Now be the rock, Josh!
Be the rock that your family
can depend on!
Let's see how you fight when
you're an insecure teenager!
Aah! My T-zone!
Ooh!
Huh?
Oh! Candice!
[♪♪♪]
- [GROANS]
- Mommy!
[VOICE DEEPENING]
Get this asshole!
Oh. They grow up so fast,
don't they?
No!
It's too late for you!
Bah!
Never!
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Oh.
[GRUNTING]
Emily!
What the hell?!
Josh, help!
Uh, uh
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
Be the rock-ock-ock.
Sorry, I'm not great at echoes.
Hyah!
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
[COUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
Don't you see?
You need me to keep
all this going.
Oh, yeah?
Escargot to hell.
Yah!
Aah!
- Are you okay?
- [COUGHS]
[HOARSELY]
No.
[ENGINE STARTS, REVS]
Mediocre table service,
giant snail fight,
and a wormhole
to another dimension?!
Now that is how you
distract everyone
from a condom
in a can of lima beans.
Great work, Emily.
And, by the way,
I'm gonna need you to come in
at 6:00 tomorrow, Emily.
The children's tuxedos
won't return themselves.
Yes, Mr. Salt.
Actually, no.
I can't be in that early.
I'm gonna play Grave Rollers
with my child.
Oh. Okay.
Just come in at 6:45.
ALL: Nice!
[LAUGHTER]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH GRUNTING]