Code Monkeys (2007) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Larrity: Poor bastard.
Dr. Gupta: Weren't you
the one who did that
to him, Mr. Larrity?
Larrity: It's called a sports,
injury, hajji.
Now let's get back to old
numero uno right here.
Dr. Gupta: Oh, yes,
most exciting. The syphilis.
Larrity: That's the last time
I book a flight
with a layover in Reno.
Dr. Gupta: The syphilis
has cleared up.
You are free to copulate with
whomever you choose.
Larrity: Yeehaw!
Watch your back, Linda Evans.
We're about to take a trip
to Brown Town.
Dr. Gupta: But you've got a much
more urgent condition
in your rear.
Larrity: Say what?
Dr. Gupta: You have butthole
cancer.
Larrity: What are you
talking about?
Dr. Gupta: It affects 99%
of CEOs
and 100% of politicians
at some point in their lives.
We're going to have to remove
your butthole before it spreads.
Larrity: Well, all right,
remove my butthole then.
There gonna be any
side effects?
[Video game music]
Gosh doggit all, Black Steve.
This is the fourth time
this month
something you've done's
landed me smack dab
in the middle of a federal
investigation.
Steve: Hey, it wasn't me.
Larrity: It was you.
And that's why I'm gonna have to
say, Black Steve,
you are promoted.
Whoa. Promoted?
Well, I guess so.
I admire your gumption,
my friend.
I'm committed to a diverse
and tolerant workplace.
Your job is safe here, buddy.
Can we touch hands?
Steve: Damn, Mr. Larrity.
I thought I was gonna have to
smoke you.
Larrity: Mary, your game where
the little girl
gets points by picking up
feminist protest signs
was just ridiculously awesome.
What?
Mary: Really?
Larrity: Yes, I truly appreciate
the perspective
you bring to our
oft-male-dominated profession.
I am putting your game
into production.
I admire you not just
as a woman, but as an equal.
Mary: Thanks, Mr. Larrity.
Larrity: What the Cumberland Gap
is wrong with me?
Thanks for all the hard work,
boys.
There's plenty more where
that came from.
Go nuts.
Dave: Whoo-hoo!
Jerry: Wow.
I can't accept this.
Dave: Yeah, now my money will
not be lonely.
Larrity: What is this tiny
little knife for?
Todd: Patience,
my crusty cowboy.
All will be revealed later.
Larrity: I am glad we could
spend this time together, fatty.
I--I'm sorry.
I mean, Todd.
Clarence: The kimono walked
I wanted ♪
With the patch in the back
for easy access ♪
Thank you, Mr. Larrity ♪
Thank you, thank you ♪
Mmm.
Larrity: Ha ha ha!
He's gonna have gay sex
in that thing,
and that don't make me want
to throw up at all.
Ha ha! Something's wrong.
Benny: You really mean it,
Mr. Larrity?
You let me out of cage
to go to school
like a regular boy?
Larrity: That's right, Benny.
Thank you, guard.
We don't need you anymore.
And to pay you back for all
you've done for our firm,
I'm gonna personally pay
for a scholarsh--
Benny: Mr. Larrity.
Mr. Larrity.
Larrity: No side effects,
my foot.
What you done to me, ass?
All right, people, listen up.
It's become very clear to me
that I cannot be
a tyrannical boss with
my ass not intact.
That's right, folks, I have
butthole cancer.
And I had to have The Duke
removed.
Jerry: What's The Duke?
Larrity: That's what I call
my butt, son.
Dave: Dude, your rectum
is gone.
That is no bueno.
Larrity: So for now, Dean is
pumping me
full of some sort of
CIA rage drug.
Dean: I got it from the CIA.
Larrity: Shut your damn
pie-hole, Dean.
But soon I got to find me
a brand-new crap tank,
get a transplant.
The only problem is,
transplants are real hard to
come by these days.
Got to get on a donor list.
Unless, of course, some caring
person volunteers.
Who here's gonna pony up
their farter?
Come on now, people.
Here's your chance to get in
good with the old boss man.
The first person who comes
forward
wins this certificate of
appreciation.
It's worth 4% of my respect.
Clarence: Kind of worn out,
but you can have mine ♪
Larrity: [Shudders]
Anybody except Clarence.
What about you, Dave?
Dave: Sorry, dude,
I'm saving myself
for Mr. Drummond on "Diff'rent
Strokes."
Jerry: Oh, Dave, what are you
talking about?
Dave: We've been through this a
million times already, Jerry.
You know if I was gonna give up
my bunghole for anybody,
it would be for Mr. Drummond
on "Diff'rent Strokes."
Jerry: Oh, right,
I forgot?
Larrity: Fine. Dave's saving
himself for Mr. Drummond.
What about the rest of you?
Any volunteers?
What about you?
Wait, who the hell are you?
Todd: Oh, Mr. Larrity,
I'm so sorry.
This is not an employee.
This is my new wife Ping.
She just arrived in the mail
from Vietnam.
I mean, we're in love,
deep love.
You may call her Mrs. Todd.
Ping: Massages?
Todd: N-no. No, Ping.
We are married now.
That means no massage,
only me.
Todd-san get massagey.
Rubby-rub only Toddy.
She's slightly retarded,
but damaged good are
cheap goods.
Ping: Massage.
Todd: Ohh!
You will not believe how far
the dollar goes
in Viet-- nam ♪
Whoa! Yeah, right there.
Ohh! Oh, my god.
Ohh. Excuse me.
Did I say that out loud?
Mary: OK, seriously,
first the rectal talk, now this?
I'm gonna puke.
Dean: Stop exaggerating.
Larrity: Well, it's clear we're
never gonna get a new ass here.
Dean, let's get getting.
I got myself an idea.
Ping: [Giggles]
Woman: So you're having
a transplant?
Larrity: Yep, couldn't do
my job properly.
[Passes gas] Plus, that
keeps happening.
Woman: You missed one.
Larrity: Sorry about that, miss.
Maybe when this is all over,
we could have sex.
I'm actually quite charming.
Woman: Um, [Coughs]
Oh. Ugh.
Dr. Gupta: How did you jump to
the top of the transplant list?
Larrity: Let's just say the head
of your hospital
killed a hooker,
and I got pictures.
Whoo-hoo! This anesthetic
doesn't really allow for
subtlety.
[Chainsaw whirring]
Dean: Be strong, Dad.
And if you die,
I hope they take it easy on you
in hell.
Dr. Gupta: Mr. Larrity,
I am now removing your butthole.
Dean: Well, Dad, you got
a new poop shoot.
How does it feel?
Larrity: It's almost as painful
as the day I realized your mama
had given birth to a moron.
Now, get home and change
your clothes
before somebody sticks you in
the zoo where you belong.
Dean: [Sobbing] I don't want to
be [indistinct]
Larrity: Yee-haw!
It's working already.
Let's shatter some feelings.
Todd: Ping, as my wife,
you will have certain duties.
Ping: More massage?
Todd: Later, my Vietnamese
vixen.
Now, there will be times
when you will be required
by marital law
to walk around in the nude.
Most of the time,
this will be always.
Ping: Massage now?
Todd: Yes, of course.
Which leads me to the next rule.
You must cook and clean--
sweet gouda, you're handy!
Ohh!
Ping: Handy? Handy, yes.
Todd: Oh, my back.
Oh, my front.
No, no, stay on the front.
Stay on the--don't you move.
Stay right there.
Ahh, right by the keyhole.
Larrity: Ohh!
Dean: Bro, you all right, Dad?
Larrity: It's this new keister.
It's so bulbous and cumbersome,
it's popped my hips
out of joint twice.
Feels like I've got a travel
trailer back there.
It say anything in them there
papers
that might explain this?
Dean: No, just some stuff
about the donor.
Lakesha Addams.
24-year-old female,
accidentally crushed to death
backstage
at a 2 Live Crew concert.
Larrity: Huh? Well, I
don't know what that has
to do with anything.
Man: Hey, yo, baby got back.
Second man: You can'ts deny
that, baby.
Man: Yo, Mama, I could put
a stereo on that thing.
Larrity: Oh, man.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
Second man: Afternoon this,
shawty. Yeah.
Boy, you crazy.
Larrity: Let's get to getting,
boy.
[Video game chimes]
Larrity: Listen up, Dean.
I need you to be as cool as
lemonade
in a hooker's bellybutton.
You get me, boy?
Dean: No problem, Dad.
Mary: Hey, Mr. Larr--whoa.
Larrity: Howdy there, gals.
Dave: Holy [bleep].
Did your ass eat a beach ball?
Larrity: No, I've just been
working out.
What have you ladies been up to?
Mary: Uh, yeah, you usually
don't care.
Larrity: Well, this little brush
with death
has made me care about people
that normally wouldn't matter
to me
'cause I consider them
a waste of space.
Clare: Thank you.
Larrity: Dave, will you stop
putting things on my ass?
Dave: Hey, Mr. Larrity, if
you're not busy next Saturday,
you want to help me move?
I could really use your ass to
back lift stuff.
Steve: Yo, have you heard this
new beat by NWA?
Dean: Yo, who the hell is NWA?
Steve: [Bleep] with an attitude.
It's infotainment,
you ignorant bitch.
It informs and entertains.
Larrity: Who the hell cares?
I gots to get getting.
[Music playing]
What in tarnation's going on
back there?
Dave: It's the butt.
It has a life of its own.
Steve: Work it. Hey!
Berserk it.
I've gots to hit it and quit it.
Mary: Wow.
Black Steve is really getting
there.
Dave: Up in there. Mm-hmm!
His anaconda really wants
some, hon.
And that guy got the buns.
Larrity: Dean, turn off
that damn music.
There's a little rootie
in my tootie.
Dean: I can't do it, bro.
These things with more than one
button confuse me.
Dave: This has my vote for
best day ever.
Mary: Oh, yeah.
Dean: Why are we meeting in
the conference room, Dad?
Larrity: Because Lakesha ate
too many Ho Hos once upon a time
and now her big behind won't fit
in my chair.
Now, just shut up and focus.
Now, I know this is an unusual
place to pitch games,
heh, but I thought a little
change up
in the old curveball might
do us some good.
So who's first?
Steve: Yo, man.
I want to talk about my new game
"Homie Pigeon."
Dave and Jerry helped me
with it.
So in this, um, "Homie Pigeon,"
it's like this pigeon, right,
and he's a homie.
Damn, back that ass up, bitch.
Larrity: Ahh, what in the hell?
Steve: Sorry, man.
Dave: It's like Thanksgiving
time
every day of the year
back there,
and Black Steve's got
the stuffing.
Larrity: Who's next? What's so
damn funny, people?
Dave: Uh, nothing, sir.
I have something.
Jerry: Dude, what are you doing?
Dave: Getting to the bottom
of this, dude.
I was wondering if you heard
the song--
[Music playing]
Larrity: Oh! Make it stop!
My ass is not a play thing.
OK, OK.
I guess I best come clean.
I had myself an ass transplant.
But I am still the same Big T.
Larrity
you all have grown to know
and love.
Mary: Love?
Larrity: This black ass of mine
is a gift, but it's also
a curse.
Mary: Wait, did you just say
"black ass"?
Jerry: Yeah, what do you mean?
Dave: I'm going out on a limb
here,
but maybe it would help us
understand
if we actually saw it.
Jerry: Dude, what are you doing?
Larrity: OK, I guess I can
show you.
Mary: Oh, god!
Dave: Yeah, that's great.
Didn't help, but it's great.
Jerry: Larrity has a black ass?
Dave: Not just any black ass.
It is a lady black ass.
Larrity: Look at it.
I am not an animal.
Ahh! God. Something's wrong.
Something's wrong with
my a-hole.
Dean: Quick, somebody call
an ambulance.
Dave: I'm sorry, were you
talking to us?
Dean: Jerry, I'm scared, man.
Jerry: Your dad's gonna be
just fine, Dean. Don't worry.
Dean: No, you didn't let me
finish.
I'm scared of spiders.
Jerry: Wow. Dean, you're
really an idiot.
Dave: Do you think if I use this
it'll render me sterile?
Mary: We could only hope.
Dave: Dude, that would save me
so much money on condoms
and wasted time pulling out.
"You should pay for half
the abortion, Dave.
You did this to me.
Blah blah blah blah."
Ladies, be quiet, that's what I
have say to you.
Dr. Asshat: Mr. Larrity,
I'm Thomas Asshat.
Dave: Whoa. Thomas Asshat,
the number one ass doctor in
the United States?
Mary: Dave, how did you know
that?
Dave: I read about him in
"Ass Master Monthly."
What, you guys don't read?
Dr. Asshat: Yes, I am the best.
Nurse, get me a pina colada
stat.
And get Mr. Larrity a pina
colonic.
Mr. Larrity, your body has
rejected your big black ass.
It's currently fighting your big
black ass tooth and nail.
Larrity: I don't understand,
Doc.
Dr. Asshat: We see about 3
of these every year.
That's why we made this video
to help our patients understand
what's going on
inside their changing bodies.
Your ass is eating your
white blood cells,
which we can deal with
through medication,
but it is also eating
the ghosts in your body
that make up your soul.
This we have no medication for.
Your ass must be removed ASAP
if you are to live.
Jerry: Oh, man.
Larrity: Dammit, I can't go back
to having no ass.
It made me soft.
Dr. Asshat: No ass is no longer
an option, Mr. Larrity.
The adverse reaction to
your transplant
has eaten your sphincter.
Clarence: Somebody say ♪
Eaten your sphincter? ♪
Jerry: Yeah.
Dr. Asshat: Please listen to
this old drunk,
as I need to state this
as dramatically as possible.
If you want to live,
we must find a donor in the
next 24 hours.
Dave: Whoa, hey,
check this out.
How cool is this?
There's actually a shampoo
bottle inside my rectal wall.
Dr. Asshat: Shampoo bottle?
This man just might have
the butthole we need.
Larrity: Dave, I need you on
this one, big time.
My ass is on the line.
Benny: That's one horrible joke.
Larrity: What you say, Dave?
We gonna be butt buddies?
Dave: Oh, yeah.
No, I don't think so.
But, hey, thanks anyway.
Dr. Asshat: Well, then your boss
is going to die.
Nurse, screwdriver.
The one with vodka.
Larrity: I can't believe this is
how old Larrity's
gonna say sayonara.
Tough men do perish, Dean.
Tough men do perish.
Todd: Mr. Larrity, because
I am not only
the best programmer in
your organization
but your best friend,
I may have a solution
to your problem.
Larrity: Yes?
Well, what is it, boy?
Todd: My good lady Ping
may be able to procure
a body part
from contacts she has in
her home country,
but you must understand
that this is not technically--
Larrity: I get it.
A foreign black market ass.
That's the perfect plan.
Jerry: Yeah, 'cause no one would
ever think of that.
Larrity: Nerd with cow horns,
you're a genius.
If this thing works out,
consider yourself my new vice
president of game development.
Todd: Yes, the era of Todd
is coming at last.
History books, save a place
for me.
Jerry: Dude, maybe you should
have donated that ass.
Todd: King!
[Fanfare]
Dave: Jerry, check this out.
If you run into the brick wall
in my new game, "Drunk Tank,"
you go to a secret level where
you can have sex with mermaids.
Jerry: Well, how do you have sex
with a mermaid?
Dave: Uh, you do her in
her flipper.
Hey, Ping. I guess Todd's
already getting
his Vice President business
cards printed up, huh?
Ping: [Giggles]
You like a massage?
Jerry: Ha ha. No thanks.
I'm good.
I've got to go meet
Black Steve.
He needs help with
"Homie Pigeon 2."
Dave: What kind of massage?
Ping: Full front.
[Video game chimes]
Dave: You truly have a gift.
I cannot believe you people
killed my father.
Well, I guess it's time to let
bygones be bygones.
Ping: More massage?
Dave: I don't see why not.
Todd: Oh, Ping, my little
mail order mitten.
Mother of Moses!
Ping: Massage.
Dave: Todd, your wife is
awesome.
She has tiny, tiny hands,
and they go everywhere.
I will give you 40 bucks
and my car for her.
Todd: Dave, you have soiled
my woman
and endangered the coming era
of Todd.
Not cool, dude.
Dave: Dude, from what I've seen,
I am not endangering
any coming era,
you know what I'm saying?
Todd: [Indistinct]
I must challenge you to a duel.
Friday at 1:30.
Wait, that's nacho time.
Maybe 1:45.
No. I want to give my food time
to digest.
Dave: How about dawn?
Todd: Fine. Very classy.
Unlike that.
Dave: Wow, you really did a
number one Little Dave.
I mean, Little Dave has crawled
about a foot in my chest.
I'll leave you two
some private time
while I try to find
Little Dave.
Little Dave, come out.
Round two is upon us.
Todd: Ping, I can't believe
I just--
Ping: Massage?
Todd: Well, I don't see
why not.
Larrity: Yeah, it won't be long
now, boy.
Dean: Dad, da plane!
Da plane!
Larrity: Here it comes now.
My wonderful rice paddy pooper.
What the hell?
Dean: It's Blake-o-vision.
They must have installed
new security.
Larrity: No! No!
Land, daggummit.
I will not be denied
that ass.
Chopper down. Chopper down.
Oh, no!
My Vietnamese a-hole!
Boy, we gots to track down
that nerd
and find me a new butthole
or I ain't gonna make it.
You hear?
Dean: Not make it?
Man: What are you gonna do with
all the money, son,
now that your pappy is dead?
Dean: Something totally awesome.
Dragons are cool.
Dragon: Yes, we are.
Larrity: Dean, are you having
that dragon dream again?
Dean: No.
Larrity: Come on,
let's go find fatty.
Dean: See you soon, dragon.
[Thunder]
[Alarm sounds]
Todd: I admire your courage,
David,
for today you die,
and I, the hero,
become legend.
Dave: Shut it.
Why are we using swords?
Todd: These broadswords are
the customary
dueling weapons in the great
land of Toddonia.
Dave: Isn't Toddonia a place
you made up?
Todd: Maybe. Silence!
Fear not, my lady,
I shall avenge your stolen
honor.
Ping: Massage?
Todd: Ping, you are ruining it.
[Speaking foreign language]
Ping: Would you like a massage?
Jerry: Yeah, maybe in a minute.
I just want to watch
your owner die.
Todd: En garde!
Dave: Uh-oh. Ahh.
Todd: You were supposed to
parry.
Now I have to wait for you to
wake up.
Crap. Ping! Massaging.
I need this one.
Larrity: Nerd. Poor.
Thank god the both of you
are here.
Todd: Yes, Mr. Larrity.
Here and ready
to assume my job as vice
president of game development.
I have slain a man to prove
my worth.
Jerry: Wait, wait,
he's not dead.
Todd: Come on, Jerry,
don't be a jerk, all right?
Larrity: No so fast, Sparky.
Your chopper went down
in flames,
so we've gots to find
a new ass pronto
or I'm gonna die.
And if I go, I'm a-gonna take
you with me.
Todd: Hmm. Interesting.
Larrity: Cut that out.
Ask Chinatown there whether
she's got a back up rump for me.
Money is no object.
Todd: Ping, [Speaking foreign
language]
Ping: [Speaks foreign language]
Todd: She says that's
the only one.
Ping: [Speaking foreign
language]
Todd: I told him that.
Ping: [Speaking foreign
language]
[Both speaking foreign language]
Todd: Ping, you are killing me.
You are literally killing me.
Push one more of my buttons,
and we are not going to Sizzler
tonight.
Ping: [Speaking foreign
language]
Unh! [Screeches, grunts]
Larrity: Ain't there anything
you can do?
Ping: Massage?
Larrity: That doesn't help.
Ping: [Giggles]
Dean: Yo, I'll take one.
Larrity: Well, I guess
this is it
unless we can somehow find
a matching ass
in the next few hours.
Jerry: Uh-oh. Dave.
Dave, you might want to wake up
now, Dave.
[Video game chimes]
Dave: Where am I?
Larrity: I'm sorry, Davey.
I had to take your ass.
It was a matter of life
and death.
Dave: You win some, you lose
some.
Larrity: I'm glad you
understand, son.
Dave: Yeah, that one had herpes
anyway.
Larrity: Gosh darnit!
I knew that itching wasn't from
them stitches.
Dave: Whose ass did I end up
with?
Dean: Some blonde sorority girl
who died in a cheerleading
accident.
You got a hot ass, bro.
Jerry: We all figured that way
you could check yourself out.
Dave: Ah, you guys are
the best.
Oh, man, my ass is so hot.
Look at it.
I'm totally gonna feel
myself up.
Larrity: Well, I really
appreciate it.
Why don't you let me know
if there's anything
I can do for you in return.
Dave: Just don't let Todd be
vice president
of game development.
Larrity: Fine, I'll let him
know,
as soon as he gets back
from his honeymoon.
I don't want to spoil
his good time.
Todd: Ping, we're going to be
late for our honeymoon romp.
The World International
Role-playing Championships
and Chili Cook-off waits
for no one.
Get your little Szechuan
stickybuns out here.
Ping. Ping. Ping?
Ping: More massage? Huh?
More massage?
Todd: What the [bleep]?
Steve: Chill out, Todd.
Your wife has been teeing off
everyone in the office.
It's only fair that me and my
cousin get a turn.
I love her.
[All talking at once]
Todd: I suppose I understand.
Despite the fact that
I rescued you
from a miserable existence,
love is love.
And if you love Black Steve
and his various cousins
more than you love me,
I'm not going to stand
in your way.
But know this, Ping,
you've broken my heart into
thousands of tiny pieces,
and I'm not sure it'll ever
be whole again.
Ping: Massage?
Todd: I don't see why not.
No, not the back,
the front.
Who the hell wants a back
massage from you?
- Science ♪
Just want to be one of them
sawing off ♪
It's how I burning
them criminals ♪
It's how I was raised ♪