Corporate (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 [TCHAIKOVSKY'S "SWAN LAKE WALTZ" PLAYING.]
[INHALES.]
[MUSIC WARPS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Christian is running a few minutes late.
Thank you for your patience.
We will start the meeting once he arrives.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
My mom is calling.
That's weird, she never calls.
Can I talk to Linda? I love her.
Jake, stay away from my mom.
Matt, first of all, it's not sexual.
Secondly, love is love, and when you know, you know.
I feel like in another lifetime, I could've married Linda.
Then I would've been your dad.
What game are you playing, Daddy? It's called "2071.
" It's set in a dystopian future where you get to murder people with a sword.
It's extremely violent, but it soothes my soul.
[SIGHS.]
I was supposed to take the day off and go on an ayahuasca trip with my best friends, but I'm sure this meeting will send me on an equally terrifying, introspective anxiety cyclone.
I feel like I'm wasting my life at meetings like this.
That's absolutely what's happening but if it makes you feel any better, there's no way not to waste your life.
The best you can do is find something you love, and work so hard and so long at it that it eventually becomes something you mostly complain about.
All I want out of life is to lose my mind on a drug I don't understand and then justify it as a spiritual awakening.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Fuck this fucking game.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
My mom is calling again.
Can you believe they called this meeting on the exact day Adele tickets went on sale? Adele is what sent me into, but got me out of, my last three bouts of clinical depression.
I never took you for an Adele fan, Baron.
Well, I'm not.
I'm gonna buy as many tickets as possible online and sell them at a massive markup.
[CHUCKLES.]
People will give their first born child to see Adele, and her music is so powerful, it'll help them get over the loss.
[LAUGHS.]
Now my dad is calling? My parents are divorced.
The last time I got this many calls from them at the same time was when my grandpa stole a car and drove it off a cliff on purpose.
Just go call your parents.
The meeting won't start till Christian gets here.
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
He was cursing like a sailor, so then I said to him [CLEARS THROAT.]
"Frank, I got news for you.
Wives are bad.
" [CHUCKLES.]
WOMEN: can't live with them.
And that's the end of that saying.
[CHUCKLING.]
Uh, Bill, let's try to keep that kind of talk to a minimum today.
I mean, these lawsuits against you are getting expensive.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hello, everyone.
I'd like to introduce you to Bill Hathaway, who's been with Hampton DeVille for over 30 years, and currently sits on our board of directors.
Hampton DeVille is my middle name.
Just kidding.
It's Margaret.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Just kidding! That's a woman's name.
[CHUCKLING.]
Anyway, here we go.
Bill Hathaway is a nightmare.
He thinks it's 1975.
The last time he talked to me, he said I would look prettier if I were massaging his groin.
He said the exact same thing to me.
Which brings me to the reason why I called all of you here today: - to discuss five new ideas that I - [PHONE BUZZING.]
[SIGHS.]
One moment.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh, wow.
I have to take this call.
I might be a minute.
[EXHALES.]
I need you to take charge until I get back.
I'm counting on you.
- All right, everyone.
- All right.
BOTH: So let's get started.
- Oh! - Oh, Christian - Me.
- No, well, he pointed at - BOTH: Me.
- Me.
- Me.
- Mimi? - [CHUCKLES.]
- BOTH: I'm in charge.
Why would Christian point to you when I'm [SIGHS.]
Can somebody pour hot coffee all over my face? - John - BOTH: I have been waiting for the chance to take the lead for my entire - life, including when I was - Professional career - I was born! - Because I have a vagina! And you wear glasses, you have inferior vision.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Okay, everyone, - let's just take two - Yeah.
- While John and I - Everyone, take two.
- A quick convo.
- Sidebar convo here.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
Now my sister's texting asking why I haven't called Mom and Dad about Grandma Dorothy? Oh, my God.
Is Grandma Dorothy dead? Okay, since we don't know who he pointed at, let's just run the meeting together.
Now what five ideas was he talking about? No clue.
All I know is I'm scared and I need to pee, but the nervous energy from holding it in is what's fueling me right now.
Okay.
Let's just do something so that senile lump doesn't report to Christian that we dropped the ball.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- Yeah? - We're a team.
- [EXHALES.]
Hey, you, the one without the hair.
Come on, let's get this thing rolling.
He knows my name? Be a man and take charge.
Absolutely, Bill.
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
Okay, everyone.
Enough dillydally.
I'm gonna get things started.
John and Kate have definitely had sex.
How do you know? Working in HR, I've developed a sixth sense for people's sex lives.
I'll bet there's a crazy Venn diagram of sexual encounters in this room.
It is weird to think that all these people wearing nice suits, drinking coffee, talking calmly, have all had penises and vaginas in their mouths.
Literally, all of them.
Tailored suit's the only thing hiding the fact that we're all hairy mammals with horrifying genitalia.
I mean, yeah, my genitalia is fine, but I understand what you're saying.
- My genitalia is horrifying.
- So let's get [SNICKERS.]
Ha-ha-ha.
L-O-L.
L-O-L.
Very funny, guys.
And blastoff! Let's start by asking a simple question: why are we here? Shouldn't you know the answer to that? Of course, Baron.
Because that was a rhetorical question.
Okay.
We just need to brainstorm five ideas.
But to be safe, let's come up with 50.
- Let's make it 100! - Any idea is welcome when brainstorming.
Literally anything you say will be discussed in detail without criticism.
My brain just stormed an idea.
How about we call off this meeting until Christian gets back? Come on, that's a bad idea.
I thought we weren't gonna criticize ideas.
Fine.
Yeah.
Let's put it on the board.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Any other ideas? We're going into a brainstorm hole.
I can literally say anything right now.
- Racism.
- Racism.
- Great idea.
- Nice.
Jesus Christ, this is a nightmare.
What's that, Matt? Oh, I just said that this is a nightmare.
This is a nightmare.
Great.
You know, this reminds me of when I was selling cigarettes wholesale to health food stores back in the '70s.
At the time, we didn't know they were bad for you.
Or, actually, we did know, but we kept a lid on it.
Back then, you were allowed to have secrets.
Secrets from the government, from your wife.
It didn't matter! I hope my grandma died doing what she loved most: sitting in her chair, worrying that I'm gay.
Your grandma's lucky.
When you're dead, nobody expects anything from you.
Death is the retirement package you get for a lifetime full of pain and suffering.
That's why I say you should always bring a gun to a knife fight, or a knife to a gun fight, if you wish.
Now, you might die, but at least no one can say you weren't interesting.
Thank you so much, Bill.
Very helpful.
Does anyone have a coherent idea? Hey, guys? Guys! Can we get off our phones and focus up? You know, we didn't used to have phones in meetings.
Back then, if you wanted to send someone a nudie pic, you had to show up at their door wearing just a trench coat and show them what you got! Your thoughts? Yeah, well, Bill makes a good point here.
Um Oh.
Here's an idea.
How about we try something new and have everyone in the room put their phones in this box.
- [SCREAMING.]
- No! Thank you.
You'll get it back at the end of the semester.
Having your phone taken away from you is like having a civil liberty stripped away.
It's just inhumane.
Baron.
Baron? Yeah.
Thank you.
Back pocket.
And the other.
Okay.
Stand up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sorry I have to do this, but just want to a have a nice, focused meeting.
Oh? [SCOFFS.]
That's mine.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
My dad's finally responding.
Oh.
[GROANS.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [GROANS.]
Thank you.
Now! Where were we? Bill, you were saying something.
Actually, uh, I was gonna say something.
Yet here I am, saying something.
This reminds me of a time I was a child - [EXHALES.]
- And my mother said, "You'll never amount to anything," and I felt hurt till I realized she was talking to my father.
There he stood with his party dress on [EERIE TONE.]
Anyway How long have we been here? Without our phones, there's no way to measure the passage of time.
It could be years, decades even.
Okay! I think we're really starting to get somewhere.
Christian should be back any minute, so let's just keep going.
Maybe I'll kill him.
Could I handle it emotionally, though? Yes.
But how would I do it? Strangling.
But why would I kill him? Because nature is a brutal mother, and everyone must die.
Hm! There was so much I wanted to say to my grandma before she died.
Actually, that's not true.
We had nothing in common.
Wait, am I even sad she's dead? Yes I am.
Okay, good.
If anyone knew the horrible thoughts in my head, I would 100% be in jail.
Thank God nobody knows my thoughts.
But I guess on some level, that also means I'll always be alone.
- Oh, well.
- This meeting is bullshit and I deserve better than this.
Maybe I don't.
Maybe I'm a loser and this is exactly what I deserve.
No, I'm not a loser.
That's why I needed to do ayahuasca this weekend: to learn that I'm not a loser.
Why did I lie about the reason I'm getting Adele tickets? I love Adele.
She sings directly to my soul.
Why can't I admit the music I like? I'm in my 30s.
It's time to be myself.
I'm buying those tickets for me, God damn it! I gotta get out of this meeting.
[WACKY CARTOON MUSIC.]
It's crazy that I can have thoughts while speaking out loud.
But wait, who am I speaking to right now? Myself? Because if I'm speaking to myself, who's doing the speaking? If I do propose, I'm going to do something romantic, like have a blunt conversation about the bleak realities of marriage.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know how I started talking about that.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
Did someone even who said marriage? Absolutely.
Okay, everyone.
Let's get back on track and discuss the five ideas that Christian asked for.
Kate, I gotta stop you right there 'cause I have something to say, and my voice is deeper and louder than yours.
So here we go! I'm sad the only dating options for my grandma were men like Bill.
It hasn't gotten much better.
Now the options are men like you and Jake.
- Great point.
- So then I said to him, "Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce, and it is your fault, so please apologize to us.
" And to his credit, he did.
I haven't talked to him in years.
[ELECTRONIC TUNE.]
Often wondered what happened to him [KEYS CLACKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Okay, I think I figured out who all has had sex in this room.
Who? Those two are currently having sex, but trying to play it cool.
The point is that marriage Who else? She wants to have sex with something and he wants to have sex with me.
And connect the dots previous, and it's not just the ideas that live within, ideas that are critical to examine in a deep way, but it's also the peripheral ideas that kind of live next to the main idea, if you know what I mean.
[SPOOKY TUNE.]
If you think of the main ideas being a city, the other ideas are suburbs, or sub-ideas, in a way, and to unpack that notion just a bit [SOUND DISTORTING.]
You have to kind of unpack the term "unpack.
" [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
Hi there, Matt.
Just to give you a heads up, I'm dead and in heaven.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, just kidding.
Heaven isn't real.
Anyway, I came here to tell you you are wasting your life, but more importantly, honey, your hair is a mess.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wish you'd comb your hair.
You look so much nicer when you comb your hair.
[GASPS.]
Maybe if you combed your hair, you'd be able to get laid.
Don't you want to get laid, Matt? So that concludes the story of how I got laid by Margaret Thatcher.
Great at sex, but terrible at politics.
Freedom is slavery.
Okay.
I think we're finally starting to make some progress here.
It's cruel to keep us here in this room.
- [RAPID HEARTBEAT.]
- I gotta get out of here and call my family.
Why are they keeping us trapped in here? [YELLS.]
Why? Why are we here? Why are we pretending all this is not a total waste of time? What are we doing with our lives? We're alive for a blink of an eye, and yet we spend it working in jobs we hate to fill the pockets of rich megalomaniacs who treat us like cattle! We're all just fucking cattle! Just eating grass and shitting and and waiting to be slaughtered.
Fuck that.
Can we please get some security in here? Fucking fuck that.
[LAUGHS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Quit your job sell your home, and live in the woods! You'll probably die because you don't know survival skills, but who cares? You're gonna die anyway.
Am I the only one who thinks that? Am I crazy? No! I think, in fact, I am the only sane one here.
Am I wrong, or am I right? What happened? You could've left.
- You were free.
- I realized I have no idea what my parents' numbers are without being able to look them up on my phone.
[YELLS.]
Why? Why? [SOBBING.]
Okay then! I have an idea.
How about we take a little mental break and watch a funny YouTube? [INTENSE TONE.]
I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
Oh, me? I'm a little cucumber.
- [AMBIENT HUM.]
- I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber! [MANIACAL LAUGHTER.]
- I'm a little cucumber.
- I'm a little cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
[DEMONIC VOICE.]
I'm a cucumber.
I'm a little cucumber.
How long have we been watching YouTube videos? - A lifetime.
- I'm a little cucumber.
I think I'm having an anxiety attack.
- Try taking a deep breath.
- [INHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
I still feel the same.
Oh, well, I guess that's just what your life is now.
Oh, my God.
What if I did go on that ayahuasca trip and this is how it's manifesting itself in my mind? I'm a little cucumber, I'm a little cucumber, I'm a little cucumber.
Ho-ho-ho! - Is this even real? - I'm a little cucumber.
Are you even real? I'm a little cucumber.
Hey, it's me, Little Cucumber.
Thank you so much for watching.
Don't forget to subscribe! That's it? What the fuck was that? Who suggested that video? Mary! What was supposed to be funny about that? Can you explain to me what was funny about that video? Ooh! I have one more we have to watch.
No, John! [HYSTERICAL CHUCKLE.]
No more YouTube videos.
I was trying to give us a break.
We don't need a break.
We need to get back to work before Christian gets here.
That's what I've been saying this entire time.
- Right, Bill? Oh.
- This is incredible.
Okay, John, with all due respect, you have zero leadership abilities.
Oh, is that right? Here it comes.
- I have no leadership abilities? - Yeah.
You were put in charge of this meeting, too, Kate, and look where we're at.
The word "racism" is written on the board twice! That's right, I was put in charge and you stepped over.
Did I step over, or was it more like a step up to the plate - to lead a dominating meeting? - You stepped on that Did I crush the plate, or was the plate meant to be crushed? - [RETCHING.]
- [ALL GASP.]
I did it.
- Jesus Christ, Baron.
- [GAGS.]
Go home and take care of yourself.
It's okay, it's okay.
[WHISPERS.]
Adele [GAGS.]
Come on, guys, let's Genius.
Let's get back to work, please.
Where's the marker? - Who has the marker? - Who stole the marker? Guys, this isn't funny.
Morgan, did you take the marker? Morgan, why is your hand in your pocket? BOTH: Morgan, take your hand out of your pocket right now! [BIRD CHIRPS.]
Oh, my God.
It's a bird.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Hi, bird.
[BIRD CHIRPS.]
How did it get in here? It must have flown in when Baron left.
- Should we do something? - Maybe it's hungry.
No, it's okay.
It knows what to do.
It got in here, it can get back out if it wants.
It's amazing.
I feel like we're experiencing something really special.
- [BIRD CHIRPS.]
- [CRUNCH, ALL GASPING.]
What? Got him.
That bird is so lucky.
It only had to be in this meeting for a minute, - and then it got to die.
- Grandma Dorothy loved birds.
Oh, wait, no, she didn't.
That was my other grandma.
Grandma Dorothy hated birds.
[SHARP EXHALE.]
God, I wish she was here to see this.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Ever since that bird died one minute ago - Hm.
- I started thinking about my own mortality, and I'm just really sorry that I acted the way I did.
Why not we just do what we do best: suppress our emotions and pretend like this never happened? [CHUCKLES.]
[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Sorry I was out for so long.
Bill [EXHALES.]
I didn't expect you to stay this late.
How're you holding up? I killed a big bug.
- Excellent work, Bill.
- Thank you.
So! Let's see what you guys came up with.
Ah a lot of ideas here.
Uh huh You know, I don't like any of them.
We'll pick up tomorrow where we left off.
- Bill, let's go to dinner.
- Yeah, I could eat dinner.
Then after, I know a place that gives great groin massages.
- It's called a public library.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Anyway, here we go! So I guess everyone can have their phones back now.
So let me get this straight, Grandma Dorothy.
You wanted me to watch a funny YouTube video, so you told my mom and dad to call me? Why didn't you just send them the link? You were gonna have them spell it out on the phone to me? What's the video? I've already seen "I'm a little cucumber.
" No, I don't know if the woman in the video is single.
No, I'm not going to ask her out on a date.
It's none of your business how much I'm getting laid.
How much are you getting laid? That's my question.
Well, then, don't ask me! [MUSIC WARPS.]
And you guys know I'm a language guy.
And a math guy.
Um I don't know I know that Kate knows that I went to Yale.
Uh, and I know Larry knows I went to Yale.
Bill, uh, I don't know if I've told you this, but I actually went to Yale.