Cougar Town s01e07 Episode Script

- Are you ready for this? - [Man.]
Well, that depends.
What do you have in mind? Neighbor-on-neighbor style, all night long.
[Barking.]
[Barking continues.]
[Groans.]
Damn it, Tuffy! I will cut out your tongue and show it to you! - So you had a sex dream about me, huh? - Relax, stud.
I have sex dreams about everybody.
The President, Gene Simmons, Edward from Twilight.
Ooh, that sweet Edward.
Mmm.
- [Barking continues.]
- That is why I came by.
I thought you could talk to Mr.
Rose about his yappy little rat-dog.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Look, you and I are already amazing friends.
- We are not.
- We are.
This is your chance to get in good with the rest of the neighborhood.
I'm not really looking to be part of your cul-de-sac crew.
Come on, you have to do this.
Mr.
Rose doesn't like me because of our dueling yard sales last summer.
I blew him out of the water.
Sorry, buddy, nobody wants your dead wife's lipstick.
You know what I'm saying? You know why you're our favorite mortgage broker, Larry? And it's not just because of your promotional stress balls, - although this thing is great.
- I hear ya.
You do hear me, don't you, Larry? That's why I love working with you.
Well, you know it doesn't have to stop with work.
- You wanna grab a coffee later? - I can't tonight.
I have to Oh, what do I have to do, Laurie? You're playing chess with the homeless.
You're one of the good ones.
- Well - [Larry.]
I gotta go.
- You got my number.
- I sure do, right here on this ball.
Did that man, who I wish was my father, just ask me out? Yeah.
I think Larry loves you.
You know what? I bet he was such a stud in his day.
Oh, he can't find his car.
Oh.
Thanks for letting me sleep in, babe.
I was up late.
You know what's cool about playing hearts online? Yeah, nothing.
I was with our son cleaning up his adult-sized doody.
Well, thank you for handling that.
On a related note, after I finished shaving this morning, I cleaned all of my whiskers out of the sink.
- Good.
- No "thank you" for me? I don't think you understand how many whiskers we're talking about here.
- I am aware of how hairy you are.
- Yeah, you are.
Listen up, half-pint.
I'm not gonna thank you for doing stuff you're supposed to do.
If I did that, I'd have to thank you for doing things like killing bugs or supporting me.
When I have to shave again at noon, I am not cleaning it up! You know how I'm back together with Dale? He just invited me to his girlfriend's birthday party.
It's not weird, he's gonna break up with her as soon as he gets his CDs back.
Should I go? I know how this is gonna end, but I'm still gonna dive in.
Do not go! Run from this backwoods loser like he's actually trying to kill you.
- I'm gonna go.
- Glad to help.
He sounds like he's the one.
Seriously, he'll definitely marry you.
- Laurie.
- Hey, Travis.
What up, girl? Quick, funny story.
So, I went to the Vampire Weekend concert.
Awesome show.
Caught a drumstick.
Which is, you know, it's like, it's Whatever.
But my friend Alex nearly had a nerd-gasm.
[Laurie.]
Yeah, I love that band.
Lot in common, lot in common.
[Honking.]
- Come on, Travis, let's go! - What is that noise? I found a scooter horn at the dump.
I helped him wire it up.
It's pretty rad.
Is it rad, Andy? Get inside.
Look, E-Train, I know you went south on me after the divorce and I respect that.
But Jules and I are copacetic now.
Can't we just bury the hatchet? - I have to go home now.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, I'm happy about Bobby's new horn.
The odds of my son dying in a golf cart accident just went from "definitely" to "probably.
" - Oh, good.
- Listen, I have nothing to do tonight.
- Let's hang.
- I can't, it's date night.
It might be fun though, 'cause there's no sex pressure.
Andy's allergy medications are causing some equipment malfunctions.
Don't have to tell Jules everything.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jules.
I can't hang, I'm right in the middle of something.
Just give him his Creed albums back, you bitch! He doesn't love you! [Muffled arguing.]
- You still there? - No can do, Mom.
Dad found a bag of fireworks, so our night is sort of spoken for.
I wouldn't get too close to that pumpkin, - if I were you.
- What? Awesome! Some got in my mouth! Bye.
- [Telephone rings.]
- [Snorts.]
- This is Larry.
- Oh, OK.
This is Jules.
If you still want to grab that cup of coffee you know, just as friends, I'm free tonight.
- Larry? - [Snores.]
- This is Larry.
- Great.
- Good night, Larry.
- Kiss? Oh, that's not gonna happen.
But thanks, it was really fun.
Bye.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
She likes a pacemaker She's a hip-breaker She likes them almost dead It's all I've written so far, but I'm very proud of it.
- It's haunting.
- You know that girl I was with? She is eleven years younger than me.
If you add that to the age difference between you and your date, it's 611 years.
Mine wasn't a date, OK? I just went out for some coffee.
You can't stand to be alone for a second, can you? That is ridiculous.
Why'd you go out with Father Time? Because I am a history buff And I haven't been in a car with only a lap belt in a long time.
So And you know what? I'm going home right now to an empty house.
Alone.
[Strums melancholy notes.]
No, not a sad moment.
It's triumphant.
Oh, I got it.
[Strums energetic Spanish tune.]
Better.
So, Dale and I hooked up last night and when I woke up he wasn't here, and I don't know where I am.
Ah, another proud morning.
Will you come and find me? I can see a fence, a tree and a cloud shaped like mashed potatoes.
Oh, honey, normally I would type that into my GPS, but can you just please try to find your own way home? All right? Love you.
I thought you'd want her here so you wouldn't be all by your lonesomes.
Buddy, those little painted roses on your tiny guitar look pretty girly! Confident in my sexuality I will bet you 20 bucks that you can't spend the entire day by yourself.
Are you kidding me? I love to be by myself.
- Hey, Ellie! - What? - Don't come over today.
- Why am I being punished? I'll explain at midnight.
All right, great! The bet starts now! - J-Bird! - Whoa! Point-five seconds.
- I just won 20 bucks.
- Nice! Sounds like I was involved.
Should we go splitsies? You see an opportunity to get cash and you just dive right in there, don't you? - GAC.
- "Guilty as charged.
" I taught him that.
I regret it.
T-Rex and I are gonna fire up the grill and have a BBQ.
I need a place to put the ribs.
Can I throw away your Lean Cuisines? - No, those are mine.
- Jules? - Doesn't mean he's gay, Bobby.
- Sorry I like well-balanced meals.
OK, as soon as these guys leave, the bet starts.
You're gonna owe me 20 bucks Leave? But it's Barbecue Saturday.
- Oh, you just made that up.
- GAC.
Confident in my sexuality - Wow.
Could be my new favorite song.
- Good luck being alone.
I so got this! Wow.
Mmm.
Twenty-two minutes? That's it? [Tuffy barking.]
You suck, Tuffy! [Gasps.]
[Stammers.]
- You're inside, it's safe.
- He crawled toward the bushes.
The little guy probably just came in from the waterways.
I got it.
Easy-peasy, Gary Sinise-y.
- [Muttering.]
- [Crocodile hisses.]
Oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God He's gone.
You had a hole in your fence, so I blocked it with a rock.
- He ain't coming back.
He better not.
- Andy, thank you so much.
Listen, I got this for you out of my gift closet.
And if you don't want it, you can trade it in for a rock that says "believe.
" Is this three flavors of popcorn? Please don't have one of them be cheddar.
OK, it's all cheddar.
But it's still awesome! - Thank you.
- Thank you! OK, listen, sneak out the side so Grayson doesn't see you.
- OK.
- [Telephone rings.]
I figured out where I am.
Come and get me.
Please? [Groans.]
- [Grayson.]
Where were you? - Oh I was out getting juice.
- Wrap it up! My neck's asleep.
- Where'd you get the juice? At the juice station.
It's new.
You pump the juice yourself out of these old-timey gas pump things.
It's cute.
Gimmicky.
- That bottle's empty.
- Well, I drank it.
Duh! That's what you do when you get juice.
Der! Aw, I'm so glad you're here.
It is so much fun being alone when you're with someone.
I know.
What do you wanna do? It's so gorgeous outside.
Plus my skin's looking really good today.
- Let's have people over.
- I thought you wanted to win your bet.
I do! And I wanna have a barbecue.
I want a lot of things, Laurie.
I want a credit card just for shoes.
I want the juice station to actually exist.
I want it all.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have used those Roman Candles to get the grill going.
We'd be Q-in' at your mom's house if she didn't punt us.
I thought we were getting along great lately, then - [blows raspberry.]
- Well, Dad, I'll always be here.
I love you.
Swing and a miss, Trav.
Swing and a miss.
[Cell phone ringing.]
[Clears throat.]
Captain speaking.
Sneak over here so Grayson doesn't see you and come fire up the grill.
It's too late, J-Bird.
Trav and I already got meat in play.
Oh, come on, Bobby.
It's Barbecue Saturday.
See, I could never make a marinade like that.
It's beer and pepper.
GAC.
I'm not sure it works there, sweetie.
- Where's Travis? - Laurie.
I'm rockin' the SPF 90.
You want in? - Where'd you get that? - Jules gave it to me as a thank you.
She likes to thank people.
Unlike you, who never thanks me.
We're talking about you cleaning up your own whiskers.
Are you sure you want to hitch your wagon to that horse? Yes.
I'm taking a stand.
And this popcorn is a symbol.
Oh, look! My fingers are covered with gratitude.
[Rock music.]
- Come on, guys! - [Music stops.]
There's 20 bucks at stake here.
And when we're outside, we need to use our inside voices.
Can I turn the music back on if I give you 20 bucks? Well, it all depends, Travis.
Can you give me back my pride? That ship has sailed, Mom.
So, Dale un-broke up with Misty because he got on her cell plan and it's very complicated.
But what should I do? I love you, but I'm retiring from all Dale talk.
- But Jules - Ah-ah! - She can be so cold.
- Hey, Jules! - Shh! It's a quiet barbecue.
- [Andy whispers.]
Sorry.
So, Ellie's not coming because she's mad that I want her to thank me every Sweetie, whatever it is, I have to be on her side.
You know that.
- Told you, Andy! - I said "quiet barbecue," damn it! - [Loud pop.]
- [Travis.]
Oh! An M-80 dropped out of my pocket and into the fire.
- Can y'all hear me talking right now? - [Tuffy barking.]
- 'Cause I can't.
- [Guitar playing.]
So, do you want to pay me with a check, or what? I love winning bets.
I feel the urge to play a song.
- Fight it.
- [Groans.]
I can't.
Well What rhymes with: Wa, wa, wa, wah Fine, you got me.
I like to be around people.
Now, let's go out and get a beer.
Bobby'll make you a burger.
- I should go.
- You have plans or something? Uh-uh.
What are you doing? I'm inviting you to hang out with the cul-de-sac crew.
- I love that name you gave us.
- You're welcome.
Look, I know you love your smug loner image that you've created for yourself.
I get it.
But it's getting old.
Now, let's go outside and connect with people.
It'll be so good for you.
Do you really think that you know what's best for me? Of course I do.
[Strums Confident in My Sexuality.]
Bobby, we gotta make Grayson come back over.
- Huh? - Are you still having hearing issues? - Huh? - All right.
I'm gonna get Andy to go with you.
[Tuffy barking.]
Dale's not perfect.
I mean, it's not cool that he forges Dan Marino's autograph for a living, but I think he really cares about me, don't you? That depends.
Does he have your name tattooed anywhere on his body? Mmm! Well, he says he does, but I haven't been able to find it yet.
Look, I know that whatever you and Ellie are fighting about, - it must be very important.
- Popcorn and chin whiskers.
But don't let it ruin Barbecue Saturday.
And look, even I can admit, sometimes Ellie can be - a teeny, tiny bit of a bitch.
- How dare you? - There is no way you heard that! - I've been taught to read lips! [Grunts.]
I always forget about her deaf brother.
Sam.
Come on, G-Man, swing by for a few beers.
Sorry, fellas, not interested.
I'm watching Rudy.
- Rudy? - Rudy? Hmm.
What the hell are you guys doing? Watching Rudy.
He got in the game and his dad's there and he's watching and he's all proud.
Greatest guy movie of all time.
You're not getting these two back.
Hey, guys, why don't you come back to my place and we'll put on Shawshank.
- Shawshank? - Shawshank? I've got that DVD, too.
Yes.
Well, over at my house, I'll give you the full Shawshank experience.
Full Shawshank? What's full Shawshank? [Jules.]
Andy Torres crawled through Five hundred yards.
Wow, Andy.
I'm a little emotional.
I wish Ellie was here to see that.
She'd have liked that.
- Can you make it rain on me some more? - Course I can, sweetie.
Ding-dong.
People normally knock on the outside of houses.
Beat it.
Andy's over there, mopey as a hound dog.
Why can't you just throw him a bone? 'Cause it won't mean anything.
It's like when Jules acts like she still needs you to grill so you feel like part of the family.
So, she really doesn't need me to cook hot dogs? Please, woman, I know that.
I'm grateful when she throws me a bone.
I know she does it to make me feel better.
You ought to try that with Andy.
You need to warn me when you're gonna give life advice so I can get my notebook.
Oh, remember we used to talk like this? I do, actually.
- Why'd you go and ruin it? - Wish I hadn't.
Anyway, sorry to get in your face about Andy.
If you think I love that little dude too much, well GAC, Ellie.
GAC forever.
Just come over! I was just on my way to bring you these.
Shut up! Even though I hate daisies, I forgive you.
They're not from me.
They're from Larry.
Strange that a billion-year-old man would get your address wrong.
- This card is shockingly filthy.
- Well, have a good one.
You know what? Maybe you don't mind being by yourself, I don't know.
But I bet you don't like it as much as you say you do.
But either way, it's over.
You're a part of this crew.
You golf with Bobby, you've cried with Andy, you know Laurie and Ellie - Who? - Blonde friend and mean friend.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, those two.
- Now, listen, you're hooked in.
And with this group, it's for life.
So you can either stay here, or you can come to my house and eat a burger and talk to some friends.
Maybe see an alligator.
Confident in my sexuality I'm still loving that.
And Dale totally forgot my birthday.
OK, we did go play paintball a week later, but he got mad because he said I was flirting with the team captain Which I guess I kinda was, he was a total cutie.
But then Dale shot me, like, four times in the back.
Why are you with this guy? Seriously, how can a woman who is so gorgeous and confident and who needs three cops to take her down, be with someone who doesn't know her birthday? July 18th by the way.
- You know my birthday? - You told me once.
And I listened.
You're worth listening to, Laurie.
Thank you.
- Sure.
- You.
I made you a plate.
Thank you for putting up with me.
Oh, my God, that's a big thanks, 'cause it covers everything.
It's a blanket-thanks.
- Did you do that? - Naw, I'm not that smart.
That's what I was gonna say.
[Gasps.]
Grayson! Welcome to Barbecue Saturday! Everybody, look! Thanks.
I've brought a six pack and some ketchup.
It's all I had in the fridge.
- G-Love, let me get you a burger.
- I'll get him a beer.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
[Tuffy still barking.]
- Travis is pretty great.
- Oh, he is.
- [Tuffy barking.]
- Seriously, Tuffy? You know When Travis is 25, I'll only be 34.
If you ever date him, I will not love you anymore.
No, because if we get married and have kids, they'll be your grandchildren, so you'll have to love me.
- Are you sleeping over? - OK.
- [Tuffy yelping.]
- [Man.]
Oh, God, no! Put Tuffy down! See? I told you there was a gator!