Cristela (2014) s01e07 Episode Script
Enter Singing
What are you doing, there? I'm separating the yolks from the egg whites.
It's time this family got into shape.
For what? We all die in the end.
Nice.
Make sure you tell the kids that.
Get them pumped up for the day.
I'm just keeping it real.
Listen, we need to watch our cholesterol.
"Cholesterol"? So fancy.
It wasn't till I moved here that I discovered we're supposed to eat three times a day.
Well, I heard that high cholesterol is the number-one killer of Latinos.
Mm, well, I know a couple of cartels that would disagree with you.
A boy like that who'd kill your brother forget that boy and find another one of your own kind, stick to your own kind Yes! Yes! Boom! How did I sound, Dad? You were awesome.
You were pretty loud.
All I heard was I was pretty, and then Okay, I'm gonna go to a room with less Cristelas in it.
Ha ha ha.
- Hey.
- Mm.
What's going on? I'm cooking.
Yes, I just wasn't sure you knew what that was called.
Daniela thinks that the whites should be separate.
Whites separate? Have we learned nothing from the civil-rights movement? One of your own kind stick to your own kind Henry, that is a lovely song with a horrible message.
Cristela's been teaching us "West Side Story" on the way to school, a new song every day.
It starts a limited run tomorrow.
I want to take Henry to go see it.
Izzy is gonna be so jealous.
She has to miss out because of her soccer tournament.
I think it's great.
It'll give you a little taste of culture.
Oh, it's the perfect show to start with, a show about Latinos usually performed by people that are not Latino.
Egg whites for breakfast.
Musical theater.
What's next listening to NPR? Mom's got a point.
Whites and yolks, unite! What are you doing?! What? How did a $49 theater ticket double in price? Oh, uh, taxes, service charge, and delivery fee.
Delivery fee? I'm printing them myself.
What is there a guy gonna walk it from there to here? Oh, "West Side Story" I'm, uh, going to see that closing night.
They're doing a Q&A with the cast after.
I just hope it's as good as the "Avenue Q" and "A.
" See what I did there? If I said I enjoyed it, I'd be lyin' king.
[Lion King.]
That's how bad that was.
I don't think I can afford two tickets.
You're, uh, you're going with someone? Yeah, a cute guy named Henry.
What kind of loser makes you buy? My nephew.
Sounds like a great kid.
I I'm just not ready to spend this much money.
I am! Wait, what are we talking about? Uh, Cris wants to take her nephew to see "West Side Story.
" But it's kind of pricy.
Is it? Oh, my God! It is expensive! Wait.
You have tickets? Yeah, to our box seats.
Ooh, you should go with me! I hear that your people give my people a hard time in it.
You know, I'd be kind of insulted If they weren't free.
I'll take them.
Okay.
So, um listen up.
It seems that the, uh well, the firm was rated quite poorly for diversity, so we need to show them that we have some by taking a few pictures.
Oh, I'll take them, Sir.
No, you're the "some" I'm talking about.
I want you to star in them.
I get it.
I was the star of my college brochures, too.
I can do it, Sir.
I was the photo editor of my high-school yearbook.
Oh.
Even after I graduated.
Oh, I know some diversity! Um, what about Annie Wong in payroll? Uh, she married an Asian.
That doesn't count.
Oh.
We'll take whatever we can get.
This could be tough.
Well, be creative.
And, uh, don't be afraid to use people that we're defending.
Don't worry.
I'll bring another outfit so it looks like there's dos of us.
Ooh, you know, if I shoot everything in sepia Ugh, I'll still look darker than everyone else.
Daddy, I finally found someone to go to "West Side Story" with me.
I'm gonna bring Cris and her nephew.
Oh, well, that's great! It'll be like you're bringing your own sharks.
Now, you do know Puerto Ricans and Mexicans are not the same thing, right? We'll just have to agree to disagree.
Oh, his first trip to the theater! We need to get him a new jacket.
Ai, I know.
His old blazer looks like the Incredible Hulk after he got mad.
Oh, I just love "West Side Story.
" Ohh.
Oh, Tony and Maria it's like me and Felix.
And when she sings "I feel pretty," it's like she's singing about me.
My theme song is "I feel eh.
" Ah, and when Tony gets shot and dies with Maria crying over him? Ohh! Ohh! Somebody gets shot and dies? Give me the money! I'll take you to the corner, and you can watch it for free.
Come on, ama.
It's it's "West Side Story"! It's so beautiful! I like to be in America okay by me in America everything's free in America for a small fee in America I like the city of San Juan I know a boat you can get on hundreds of flowers in full bloom hundreds of people in each room automobile in America, chromium steel in America wire-spoke wheel in America, very big deal in America You're in America.
You can stop singing.
You're in America.
You can stop complaining.
So, tomorrow, we'll go get Henry's jacket.
- Yes.
- Jacket? Ay dios mÃo.
Who died? Somebody named Tony.
Oh, Primo Tony? No, no, no, no, no.
He's not worth a new jacket.
I'm taking Henry to see "West Side Story" tomorrow night.
Yeah, Cristela's got box seats.
Can you believe it? Henry will be sitting amongst Dallas' elite.
Mm.
Mira que fancy.
Exposing him to something he'll never be able to have again.
Oh, make it better.
Take a limo.
Really rub it in.
Ama, these tickets were free.
- I don't know.
It's a school night.
- It's an early show.
Yeah, and he can write a report about it for school! But it's too violent.
I mean, you guys said, uh, Tony dies, right? Felix, these are not like the kind of gangs we grew up with.
These ones dance before they kill someone.
Henry is not going.
Daniela, a little help, please.
I think Felix makes a good point.
What? Ooh, I'm gonna kill her.
But first, I'm gonna dance.
Hey, what happened? One minute, we're talking new blazers, and and now Henry's not going? Mm, I thought a lot about it.
When from there to here? It's complicated.
How so? Because he's Henry's father, and he said no.
And you're his mother, and you said yes.
No, I said it was a great opportunity and that I was very excited about it and that we were gonna buy him a jacket.
I never said yes.
You're right.
I mean, why did I think that our big dance number meant a "yes"? I'm gonna go talk to Felix.
Wait.
If you go in there now, it's done.
He'll never change his mind.
There's, um, a system to getting what you want from Felix.
Ai, I don't want to hear this.
First, you have to give him a compliment to make him, you know, feel good.
Talk about his hair.
He's secretly way into his hair.
It's not a secret anymore.
Then you have to bring up something that he wants to talk about.
I have to find a way to work in carpets? And if you do it right, then he'll change his mind, and we'll all be happy.
I don't want to trick him into doing it.
I I want him to do it because it's right.
Okay, single lady.
Good luck with your system.
Ugh.
Can you believe Felix? I'm just trying to expose Henry to something nice.
It's the theater, not a cockfight.
Ai, suddenly, somebody's too good for a cockfight? No, ama, I will never forget my 9th birthday party.
I exposed you to plenty of culture, but it was our culture mariachis, marionette shows Mariachis.
But you moved here so that we could live our dreams.
No, I moved here so we could have luxuries, like shoes and hot water.
Well, Henry and Izzy have shoes and hot water.
I'm so sad they peaked at 10 and 11.
I did not come here so that my children could be snobs.
I am not a snob.
Uh, yes, I like theater, but But you hate cockfights, yeah.
Yes, but that doesn't make me a snob.
That makes me humane.
Ohh.
Is that how snobs say "human"? Maddie invited us, and I think it would be a missed opportunity if Henry can't go.
Maddie.
W what kind of a name is that? I don't know.
Ask your brother, Epifaño.
Aww, yeah, that's great.
Now, uh, do it do it like someone just told a joke.
Oh, so, my mom called me a snob.
That's hilarious.
No joke, she actually did.
Nobody at home wants Henry to go, and now he's gonna miss out on it.
Okay, let's get one with jan.
Us, Cris, put on the jacket for this one.
Okay.
Just remember, when I have this jacket on, I'm Lupita.
Lupita, your mom knows that poor people can't be snobs, right? That's what I said! - Lupita has an accent.
- Mm.
Jan, point at your computer.
Amazing.
I mean, just because you fly first class doesn't mean that you can't go back to flying coach.
Ooh, yeah, it does.
You can't go back.
Now you guys do the personal-injury-lawyer pose, like like in the commercials.
Fantastic.
And let's get one last picture with the boss.
Okay, great.
Oh, and, Cris, remember look up.
You don't want your neck to do that, you know, bulgy thing.
Yeah, that.
Yeah.
You've been doing that in every picture.
You're telling me now?! We have one photo left! Oh, then you better look way up.
Project Brown-Town is almost done, Sir.
Don't ever call it that.
But good.
Got it.
Oh, Cristela, thank you for being the only chip in the company cookie.
You're welcome, Sir.
I'm glad to take those pictures because now they'll be out there for people like my niece and nephew to see.
Your niece and nephew go to law-firm websites? I just want them to know that it's normal for us to be here.
Well, you should fight for your nephew to see "West Side Story.
" I mean, that way, he knows that it's normal for him to be there, too.
How did you know about all that? Oh, I can read lips.
It's a great trick for a trial lawyer.
Hell, why do you think the office is made out of glass? I need to switch seats with Josh.
Hey, Henry.
Hey, Cris.
It's okay about the play.
I'll just go to Izzy's soccer tournament.
No, you're going with me.
I have a system.
There he is.
There's my buddy! Why are you talking to me when you don't have to? Just trying to get to know my bro-in-law, Felix.
All right.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Oh, you mean this? This is for you.
Hmm.
Does your hair always look this good? Oy! I don't know.
I really don't pay much attention.
Why? What is it you like about my hair? Man, dude, how much time do you have? It's such a distinguished color.
It's like, a mix of salt and pepper put together before you rub it on the meat.
Mm! Mm! Wait, why are you being nice to me? Can't I give you a compliment? Gee.
Okay.
Uh, so, anything new happening with carpets? Ohh.
Henry is not going to the theater with you.
What are you talking about? What That! That right there.
That is Daniela's system.
You like my hair.
Please.
I mean, you probably do, but you would never tell me.
O-o-okay.
Yeah.
Uh, t there's a "system.
" Yeah, uh, we talked about it in "the kitchen.
" Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, she told me to "compliment" you, mm-hmm, until you "changed your mind.
" Yeah.
"Is it working?" No.
"Okay.
" Look, I don't want Henry going to the theater.
What if he goes to the play in your seats that I could never afford and likes it? What then? What's he gonna need from a father that lays floors for a living? Have you seen my mom? We could not be any more different, and I still love her.
And she does her version of loving me.
Well, she didn't have to change.
So why are you trying to change me? Don't take this the wrong way, but you need changing.
You not letting him do these things that's how you'll lose him.
Uh, you need to be open to letting him do things like this so that maybe he can do better than you.
That's what the American dream is all about! Well, it's not my dream.
And Henry's not going.
Oh.
Wow.
Oh, you're right.
I'm never gonna be able to go back.
Oh, man.
I just wish my nephew was here to see this.
Ohh.
What are you doing? Getting snacks.
You know they have food here, right? I don't like waiting in line just to find out I can't afford any of it.
You know, I love the movie version of "West Side Story.
" I had no idea that Natalie Wood was Latina.
She wasn't.
I think once they got Rita Moreno, they were like, "eh, that's enough.
" Mm.
Oh, good.
The show's starting.
- I'm gonna go to the bar.
- What? Oh, the lines will have died down.
During the show is the best time to get a drink.
During the show is also the best time to watch the show.
Okay.
Henry, hurry.
It's about to start.
Felix Henry, what are you doing here? Dad bought nosebleed seats, and we snuck down, just like a ballgame.
These are really good seats.
Excellent carpet.
What made you come around? Well, I thought about what you said.
And Henry really wanted to come.
Besides, you have to admit, this is theater-quality hair.
For both of us.
Thank you, Felix.
You know, Henry was telling me some of the story on the way here.
I like the sound of this Bernardo guy.
Dad, don't get too attached.
You did a great job, buddy.
Thanks, Dad.
This has been the best week of my life my first musical and my first oil change.
Brake fluid.
Yeah, right, brake fluid.
Still becoming a man.
You really are.
I think it's probably time for my first beer.
I think not.
Okay, soda me.
There you go.
All right.
Here's to living the American dream.
Hey, I love you, Son.
Love you, too, Dad.
So, how about that beer? Still no.
It's time this family got into shape.
For what? We all die in the end.
Nice.
Make sure you tell the kids that.
Get them pumped up for the day.
I'm just keeping it real.
Listen, we need to watch our cholesterol.
"Cholesterol"? So fancy.
It wasn't till I moved here that I discovered we're supposed to eat three times a day.
Well, I heard that high cholesterol is the number-one killer of Latinos.
Mm, well, I know a couple of cartels that would disagree with you.
A boy like that who'd kill your brother forget that boy and find another one of your own kind, stick to your own kind Yes! Yes! Boom! How did I sound, Dad? You were awesome.
You were pretty loud.
All I heard was I was pretty, and then Okay, I'm gonna go to a room with less Cristelas in it.
Ha ha ha.
- Hey.
- Mm.
What's going on? I'm cooking.
Yes, I just wasn't sure you knew what that was called.
Daniela thinks that the whites should be separate.
Whites separate? Have we learned nothing from the civil-rights movement? One of your own kind stick to your own kind Henry, that is a lovely song with a horrible message.
Cristela's been teaching us "West Side Story" on the way to school, a new song every day.
It starts a limited run tomorrow.
I want to take Henry to go see it.
Izzy is gonna be so jealous.
She has to miss out because of her soccer tournament.
I think it's great.
It'll give you a little taste of culture.
Oh, it's the perfect show to start with, a show about Latinos usually performed by people that are not Latino.
Egg whites for breakfast.
Musical theater.
What's next listening to NPR? Mom's got a point.
Whites and yolks, unite! What are you doing?! What? How did a $49 theater ticket double in price? Oh, uh, taxes, service charge, and delivery fee.
Delivery fee? I'm printing them myself.
What is there a guy gonna walk it from there to here? Oh, "West Side Story" I'm, uh, going to see that closing night.
They're doing a Q&A with the cast after.
I just hope it's as good as the "Avenue Q" and "A.
" See what I did there? If I said I enjoyed it, I'd be lyin' king.
[Lion King.]
That's how bad that was.
I don't think I can afford two tickets.
You're, uh, you're going with someone? Yeah, a cute guy named Henry.
What kind of loser makes you buy? My nephew.
Sounds like a great kid.
I I'm just not ready to spend this much money.
I am! Wait, what are we talking about? Uh, Cris wants to take her nephew to see "West Side Story.
" But it's kind of pricy.
Is it? Oh, my God! It is expensive! Wait.
You have tickets? Yeah, to our box seats.
Ooh, you should go with me! I hear that your people give my people a hard time in it.
You know, I'd be kind of insulted If they weren't free.
I'll take them.
Okay.
So, um listen up.
It seems that the, uh well, the firm was rated quite poorly for diversity, so we need to show them that we have some by taking a few pictures.
Oh, I'll take them, Sir.
No, you're the "some" I'm talking about.
I want you to star in them.
I get it.
I was the star of my college brochures, too.
I can do it, Sir.
I was the photo editor of my high-school yearbook.
Oh.
Even after I graduated.
Oh, I know some diversity! Um, what about Annie Wong in payroll? Uh, she married an Asian.
That doesn't count.
Oh.
We'll take whatever we can get.
This could be tough.
Well, be creative.
And, uh, don't be afraid to use people that we're defending.
Don't worry.
I'll bring another outfit so it looks like there's dos of us.
Ooh, you know, if I shoot everything in sepia Ugh, I'll still look darker than everyone else.
Daddy, I finally found someone to go to "West Side Story" with me.
I'm gonna bring Cris and her nephew.
Oh, well, that's great! It'll be like you're bringing your own sharks.
Now, you do know Puerto Ricans and Mexicans are not the same thing, right? We'll just have to agree to disagree.
Oh, his first trip to the theater! We need to get him a new jacket.
Ai, I know.
His old blazer looks like the Incredible Hulk after he got mad.
Oh, I just love "West Side Story.
" Ohh.
Oh, Tony and Maria it's like me and Felix.
And when she sings "I feel pretty," it's like she's singing about me.
My theme song is "I feel eh.
" Ah, and when Tony gets shot and dies with Maria crying over him? Ohh! Ohh! Somebody gets shot and dies? Give me the money! I'll take you to the corner, and you can watch it for free.
Come on, ama.
It's it's "West Side Story"! It's so beautiful! I like to be in America okay by me in America everything's free in America for a small fee in America I like the city of San Juan I know a boat you can get on hundreds of flowers in full bloom hundreds of people in each room automobile in America, chromium steel in America wire-spoke wheel in America, very big deal in America You're in America.
You can stop singing.
You're in America.
You can stop complaining.
So, tomorrow, we'll go get Henry's jacket.
- Yes.
- Jacket? Ay dios mÃo.
Who died? Somebody named Tony.
Oh, Primo Tony? No, no, no, no, no.
He's not worth a new jacket.
I'm taking Henry to see "West Side Story" tomorrow night.
Yeah, Cristela's got box seats.
Can you believe it? Henry will be sitting amongst Dallas' elite.
Mm.
Mira que fancy.
Exposing him to something he'll never be able to have again.
Oh, make it better.
Take a limo.
Really rub it in.
Ama, these tickets were free.
- I don't know.
It's a school night.
- It's an early show.
Yeah, and he can write a report about it for school! But it's too violent.
I mean, you guys said, uh, Tony dies, right? Felix, these are not like the kind of gangs we grew up with.
These ones dance before they kill someone.
Henry is not going.
Daniela, a little help, please.
I think Felix makes a good point.
What? Ooh, I'm gonna kill her.
But first, I'm gonna dance.
Hey, what happened? One minute, we're talking new blazers, and and now Henry's not going? Mm, I thought a lot about it.
When from there to here? It's complicated.
How so? Because he's Henry's father, and he said no.
And you're his mother, and you said yes.
No, I said it was a great opportunity and that I was very excited about it and that we were gonna buy him a jacket.
I never said yes.
You're right.
I mean, why did I think that our big dance number meant a "yes"? I'm gonna go talk to Felix.
Wait.
If you go in there now, it's done.
He'll never change his mind.
There's, um, a system to getting what you want from Felix.
Ai, I don't want to hear this.
First, you have to give him a compliment to make him, you know, feel good.
Talk about his hair.
He's secretly way into his hair.
It's not a secret anymore.
Then you have to bring up something that he wants to talk about.
I have to find a way to work in carpets? And if you do it right, then he'll change his mind, and we'll all be happy.
I don't want to trick him into doing it.
I I want him to do it because it's right.
Okay, single lady.
Good luck with your system.
Ugh.
Can you believe Felix? I'm just trying to expose Henry to something nice.
It's the theater, not a cockfight.
Ai, suddenly, somebody's too good for a cockfight? No, ama, I will never forget my 9th birthday party.
I exposed you to plenty of culture, but it was our culture mariachis, marionette shows Mariachis.
But you moved here so that we could live our dreams.
No, I moved here so we could have luxuries, like shoes and hot water.
Well, Henry and Izzy have shoes and hot water.
I'm so sad they peaked at 10 and 11.
I did not come here so that my children could be snobs.
I am not a snob.
Uh, yes, I like theater, but But you hate cockfights, yeah.
Yes, but that doesn't make me a snob.
That makes me humane.
Ohh.
Is that how snobs say "human"? Maddie invited us, and I think it would be a missed opportunity if Henry can't go.
Maddie.
W what kind of a name is that? I don't know.
Ask your brother, Epifaño.
Aww, yeah, that's great.
Now, uh, do it do it like someone just told a joke.
Oh, so, my mom called me a snob.
That's hilarious.
No joke, she actually did.
Nobody at home wants Henry to go, and now he's gonna miss out on it.
Okay, let's get one with jan.
Us, Cris, put on the jacket for this one.
Okay.
Just remember, when I have this jacket on, I'm Lupita.
Lupita, your mom knows that poor people can't be snobs, right? That's what I said! - Lupita has an accent.
- Mm.
Jan, point at your computer.
Amazing.
I mean, just because you fly first class doesn't mean that you can't go back to flying coach.
Ooh, yeah, it does.
You can't go back.
Now you guys do the personal-injury-lawyer pose, like like in the commercials.
Fantastic.
And let's get one last picture with the boss.
Okay, great.
Oh, and, Cris, remember look up.
You don't want your neck to do that, you know, bulgy thing.
Yeah, that.
Yeah.
You've been doing that in every picture.
You're telling me now?! We have one photo left! Oh, then you better look way up.
Project Brown-Town is almost done, Sir.
Don't ever call it that.
But good.
Got it.
Oh, Cristela, thank you for being the only chip in the company cookie.
You're welcome, Sir.
I'm glad to take those pictures because now they'll be out there for people like my niece and nephew to see.
Your niece and nephew go to law-firm websites? I just want them to know that it's normal for us to be here.
Well, you should fight for your nephew to see "West Side Story.
" I mean, that way, he knows that it's normal for him to be there, too.
How did you know about all that? Oh, I can read lips.
It's a great trick for a trial lawyer.
Hell, why do you think the office is made out of glass? I need to switch seats with Josh.
Hey, Henry.
Hey, Cris.
It's okay about the play.
I'll just go to Izzy's soccer tournament.
No, you're going with me.
I have a system.
There he is.
There's my buddy! Why are you talking to me when you don't have to? Just trying to get to know my bro-in-law, Felix.
All right.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Oh, you mean this? This is for you.
Hmm.
Does your hair always look this good? Oy! I don't know.
I really don't pay much attention.
Why? What is it you like about my hair? Man, dude, how much time do you have? It's such a distinguished color.
It's like, a mix of salt and pepper put together before you rub it on the meat.
Mm! Mm! Wait, why are you being nice to me? Can't I give you a compliment? Gee.
Okay.
Uh, so, anything new happening with carpets? Ohh.
Henry is not going to the theater with you.
What are you talking about? What That! That right there.
That is Daniela's system.
You like my hair.
Please.
I mean, you probably do, but you would never tell me.
O-o-okay.
Yeah.
Uh, t there's a "system.
" Yeah, uh, we talked about it in "the kitchen.
" Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, she told me to "compliment" you, mm-hmm, until you "changed your mind.
" Yeah.
"Is it working?" No.
"Okay.
" Look, I don't want Henry going to the theater.
What if he goes to the play in your seats that I could never afford and likes it? What then? What's he gonna need from a father that lays floors for a living? Have you seen my mom? We could not be any more different, and I still love her.
And she does her version of loving me.
Well, she didn't have to change.
So why are you trying to change me? Don't take this the wrong way, but you need changing.
You not letting him do these things that's how you'll lose him.
Uh, you need to be open to letting him do things like this so that maybe he can do better than you.
That's what the American dream is all about! Well, it's not my dream.
And Henry's not going.
Oh.
Wow.
Oh, you're right.
I'm never gonna be able to go back.
Oh, man.
I just wish my nephew was here to see this.
Ohh.
What are you doing? Getting snacks.
You know they have food here, right? I don't like waiting in line just to find out I can't afford any of it.
You know, I love the movie version of "West Side Story.
" I had no idea that Natalie Wood was Latina.
She wasn't.
I think once they got Rita Moreno, they were like, "eh, that's enough.
" Mm.
Oh, good.
The show's starting.
- I'm gonna go to the bar.
- What? Oh, the lines will have died down.
During the show is the best time to get a drink.
During the show is also the best time to watch the show.
Okay.
Henry, hurry.
It's about to start.
Felix Henry, what are you doing here? Dad bought nosebleed seats, and we snuck down, just like a ballgame.
These are really good seats.
Excellent carpet.
What made you come around? Well, I thought about what you said.
And Henry really wanted to come.
Besides, you have to admit, this is theater-quality hair.
For both of us.
Thank you, Felix.
You know, Henry was telling me some of the story on the way here.
I like the sound of this Bernardo guy.
Dad, don't get too attached.
You did a great job, buddy.
Thanks, Dad.
This has been the best week of my life my first musical and my first oil change.
Brake fluid.
Yeah, right, brake fluid.
Still becoming a man.
You really are.
I think it's probably time for my first beer.
I think not.
Okay, soda me.
There you go.
All right.
Here's to living the American dream.
Hey, I love you, Son.
Love you, too, Dad.
So, how about that beer? Still no.