Crossing Swords (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Plaintive guitar playing ♪
It's hotter than Satan's asshole.
I'm building a water park.
As much as I love soaking
in the soup of my fellow men,
I'm afraid there's no room in the budget
for a water park, King Merriman.
Water parks pay for themselves!
You hear that?
It'd be irresponsible not to build
a water park, Blinkerquartz!
With what money?
We'd have to mortgage the castle!
When it comes to mortgages,
I know the term "castle default swap"
sounds misleading, but‐.
Sold! Your haircut makes me trust you.
You defaulted on the mortgage,
and now the bank owns the castle.
We'll have to slash the military budget.
Thank you for selling me
all your military surplus.
This better not come back
to bite me in the ass.
Bandits just stole all the cattle
with a shitload of military surplus.
Sorry. This is just a thing I do
when I'm nervous.
Okay, no steaks for a while,
but we can use the grazing land
to plant grain.
Nobody's gonna starve.
I've got this under control.
I'll trade you all your grain
for these magic beans.
Done. Holy fucking hell.
Finally. Problem solved.
Now, I've got a date with a lazy river.
(THWACKING)
(GROANS)
- (GROANING CONTINUES)
- (SQUEAKING)
- Oh, come on!
- (BLINKERQUARTZ SIGHS)
I've got you.
And that's why I burned down
the water park for the insurance money.
Was the water park insured?
Fuckin' beans! (GROANS)
(SHATTERING)
Theme music plays ♪
(CROWD SHOUTING)
Oh. There you are, beans!
ANGRY VILLAGER FRAN:
Oi! You, boy!
Tell the king to suck me balls!
We're starving out here!
Okay. Will do.
Great. Cheers, mate!
Ah, those poor people.
Maybe you're not magic beans,
but at this point we could use
some regular beans, too.
I bet all you need is a helping hand
to get started.
I believe in you, beans.
SLOANE (WHISPERING)
I believe in you, too.
- Beans, is that you?
- (SLOANE GIGGLING)
- (CHICKEN CLUCKING)
- Do you always talk to dirt?
Romantic saxophone music playing ♪
(SPEAKING GIBBERING)
(SLOANE GIGGLES)
Chicken soup for dinner again.
Ah! (THUDS)
Wish the bandits hadn't
stolen all our cows.
Romantic music continues ♪
- (BLOOD GUSHING)
- (SPLATTERING)
(VOICE BREAKING)
Hi, I'm Patrick. I'm a squire.
I'm Sloane. I work in the kitchen.
Oh, let me grab that for you.
(GRUNTS)
(SPRAYING) (SPUTTERING)
(PATRICK GROANING)
(SPITS) So, uh, ah,
do you, uh, behead chickens here often?
Actually, this was my last one.
With the budget cuts,
kitchen staff's getting laid off.
I was gonna stay with my aunt,
but her condo burned in that
mysterious water park fire.
(SUCKS AIR THROUGH TEETH)
Oh, no. That's terrible.
Well, maybe now I'll finish my novel.
It's about a depressed kitchen maid
who can't feed her family.
Wow. Things are worse than I thought.
Oh, yeah. It's a shitshow.
I hear squires might be next.
But don't listen to me.
I'm just a depressed kitchen maid
who can't feed her family.
Oh! The novel's about you.
ANGRY VILLAGER FRAN:
Oi! Haircut!
Stop talking that girl's tits off,
and get busy telling the king
to suck me balls!
Sounds like you have a lot to do.
Anyways, too bad I'm leaving.
Would've been nice
to get to know you, Patrick.
B‐bye, Sloane!
Did you hear that, beans?
She wishes she could get to know me.
You're right. Maybe I can save her job.
I'll talk to the king.
I love you, little buddies.
(MAKES KISSING NOISES, THEN COUGHS)
(SWORD CLANKS) (SHIMMERING)
Your highness, we're late
for the morning briefing!
We have much to discuss,
and it's all bad.
KING MERRIMAN:
Is there cake at the meeting?
We had to cut the cake budget,
which you would know,
if you came to the briefing.
KING MERRIMAN: No cake, no king.
You can't hide in there, forever, sire.
The people are angry.
- KING MERRIMAN: Wha‐What are they saying?
- (GLASS SHATTERING)
(CLATTERING)
She's the most beautiful girl
I've ever met, Broth.
Who knew someone could look
so sexy slitting a chicken's throat?
Oh, boy. A castle smokeshow.
I can't wait to lay eyes on this broad.
PATRICK:
She's right there. Look!
Where? That extremely average
potato maid is in the way.
- Hey, lady! Quit blocking the view!
- What?
S‐shut up. That's her!
Isn't she gorgeous?
BROTH:
Two eyes, a mouth, a nose. I mean,
her face has all the parts.
Aah. I know.
I can't let her get fired.
BLINKERQUARTZ: Patrick.
Get the king out of his room.
He can't hide all day.
Here's some cheese and crackers
if you need backup.
Sometimes you have to make
a cheese trail and hide around the corner.
KING MERRIMAN:
And then I told Blinkerquartz,
"No cake, no king."
(AS FEMALE DOLL) You're the cleverest king
in all the land. Kiss me!
(AS MALE DOLL)
Now, now, you little starfucker.
(AS FEMALE DOLL)
Kiss me, or I'll kill myself!
(AS MALE DOLL)
Let's not be hasty.
(AS FEMALE DOLL) I'm throwing myself
out the window. For love.
What the hell?
Merlin's merkin! My beans!
My magic beans!
My sustained verbal abuse
and plant‐shaming worked!
Oh, that's weird.
Someone left a trail of snacky food.
Who will eat it?
Sire?
What? The beans! (LAUGHS)
I‐I knew they just needed a little love.
Your maj‐Sire!
Be back never, motherfuckers!
Jesus Christ,
he's free‐soloing the stock.
He doesn't have
the upper body strength for that.
I've gotta go after him. Or do I?
If he's running away from his problems,
maybe I should, too.
But if the king dies, the kingdom's
problems might only get worse.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(CROWD YELLING)
(PANTING)
- (CROWD YELLING)
- (FLAMES ROARING)
Oh, God. Come back!
The kingdom needs you!
Fuck the kingdom. I'm free!
My new life starts today!
Where do you think this goes?
I'll climb this baby to the moon!
(GRUNTS)
(LEAF VIBRATES)
(WHOOSHING)
Whoa!
(GRUNTS)
(WHOOSHING) (THUDS)
(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
CORAL: Meh.
Mom, Dad, we're here for Sunday dinner.
They're at a jigsaw puzzle convention?
Ugh. God, Dad is so whipped.
They left us twenty bucks for pizza.
Fuck, yeah!
(KNOCKING) BLARNEY: Hey, man!
- Somebody get the door! Ha ha ha ha!
- Blarney, what the fuck?
Look what I found on the street!
A big‐ass bean!
Please don't bring
your filthy street bean in here.
Aah. Eh, you think it's worth something?
Absolutely not.
Why is your bean moving?
(TAPPING)
(CRACKING)
- (BEANIE SQUEALING)
- (ALL YELLING)
(PATRICK HUFFING AND PUFFING)
There's nothing up here but clouds.
Exactly. No meetings. No debt.
No uninsured water parks.
(GRUNTS)
Holy shit! Sire? Sire!
Are you okay? What
(PATRICK SIGHS)
It's better than any Blanket Kingdom.
Where Where are we?
Home.
Ethereal music playing ♪
♪
That rainbow city looks far away.
Patrick, carry me there.
(THUDS) (PATRICK GRUNTS)
Oh. Wait.
(WISPIES CHATTERING)
WISPIE: Look out! Big, big people!
Aah! Big people are attacking! Help!
Easy now, Wispies.
Let's not fear the unknown.
Let's welcome these strangers
with compassion!
Greetings! I am Mayor McCloud
of the Wispies.
Welcome to the
People's Republic of Nimbus!
Well, I'm Patrick,
and this is King Merriman.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Did he say he's a king?
(LAUGHS) We haven't had
one of those in centuries!
No king? Then how do you know
which one of you is the best?
Well, we're all the best.
I know! We'll explain it in a song!
No. No, that's, that's‐‐
No, you're good.
- Hit it, Gert!
- upbeat show tune starts ♪
This is Nimbus, guys,
our town is perfect ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
This is Nimbus, guys,
where everything's fair ♪
Fair and square ♪
You get sick and don't pay a dime ♪
Trains are clean and run right on time ♪
Choo choo, Nimbus! ♪
Playing horn solo ♪
Guaranteed income
and fair pay for teachers ♪
Unhappy Wispies are mythical creatures ♪
Nimbus ♪
Oh, gender's a construct
which makes us all equals ♪
We all pay our taxes
and no one's deceitful ♪
Nimbus is the happiest place,
so put a smile on your face ♪
(FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND POPPING)
Your town is amazing.
You have so many good ideas.
I'm not sold.
All we eat is caaaaa aaaake! ♪
(MUNCHING)
Oh, fuck. Mm. That's good. Mm.
We are never leaving.
Seriously, Patrick. Try this.
Our cake scene back home
is seriously subpar.
I'm like a blind man seeing color
for the first time.
(BEANIE WAILING)
For the love of God, make it stop!
Coral, go do your thing!
- My "thing"?
- Your maternal instincts.
I think they're located in the boob area.
Are you kidding me? I hate babies.
Do you know how hard it is
to not get pregnant in this day and age?
My high school nickname was
"The Comeback Kid."
Why don't we just throw it in the river
and get some pizza?
Good plan. Agreed.
(LOUD WAILING)
(SIGHS, THEN COOS)
Damn, that's cute.
(STOMACH GROWLING)
Ah, Beanie's hungry.
(ALL MUNCHING)
- Wow, we're actually great parents!
- (CHOMPING)
Nah, nah, nah. This is Ruben's pizza.
(RUBEN YELLING) Get off!
- (POOPING LOUDLY)
- The fuck‐Get‐off‐‐.
- Get the fuck off of me!
- Holy shit!
- (POOPING CONTINUES)
- (BOTH YELLING)
- (CHOMPING)
- (PATRICK CHUCKLING)
Have you taken the tour?
They've got an ethically sourced
food co‐op, a‐a windmill power grid,
free childcare center, and don't even
have a word for unemployment.
And they have a vending machine
just for cake.
Mm. (CHOMPS)
Okay. Sire, this place is a utopia.
These ideas could help us
out of our financial crisis back home.
Home? This is my home now, Patrick.
The home with unlimited cake.
I love Nimbus, too.
But we have responsibilities at home.
The people need you.
You go be responsible.
I'll be right here.
Cakin'. Hello!
I'm not trying to embarrass anybody,
but I must ask.
Did one of you have
explosive diarrhea in the rainbow river?
- That's not the toilet?
- Oh, no.
That's the source of
all of our drinking water.
Sucks for you.
How about topping me off on this cake?
And there's another thing, my friend.
You've already eaten
a month's worth of cake.
It's meant to be shared.
Shared? (CHUCKLES) But I'm the king.
Weren't you listening during
the elaborate musical number?
This is a republic. Leaders are elected,
and there are strict term limits!
Not anymore. I'm the king now.
- Your king demands cake!
- ("CAKE" ECHOING)
Rah!
(SIGHS) This always happens
when big people show up.
Gert! Get the harpoons!
Woo! BOTH: Go, go, go!
Come on, you've got this! You can do it!
Yay! Yeah!
They grow up so fast.
(BEANIE GIGGLING AND BABBLING)
- You're doing it, Beanie!
- (BEANIE LAUGHING)
(BIKE BELL DINGS)
RUBEN: There's our little star!
Yeah, Beanie! Holy shit!
- Oh, fuckin' awesome!
- (WHIRLING)
(BOTH GRUNTING AND GROANING)
Untie your king!
No, no, no, no.
Destruction of property.
Poisoning the water. Excessive frowning.
These are serious crimes.
But why am I under arrest?
I was an innocent bystander.
Were you? Bystanding is a felony here.
- This place sucks. Let's go home.
- Now you want to go?
You ran away from your problems
like a child,
and then when we had the chance to leave,
you chose cake, and threw a tantrum.
Destroyed their non‐denominational
faith space,
and shat in their drinking water.
Hey, maybe I'm not their king,
but I'm still your king,
and I command you to get us out of here.
I have been trying to help you all day,
and you keep ignoring me.
Mm. Who said that?
(THUNDER CRASHES) Hear that?
You were mean to your king,
and now God's gonna kill you.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Look. The beanstalk! It kept growing.
(THUNDER BOOMING)
No song is gonna fix this.
What is it? What's up there?
Giants!
(LAUGHING)
You, there!
This monstrosity's blocking my light!
Chop it down!
This isn't over.
One day I'll get your precious butter.
(SWORD CLANKING)
(CHOPPING)
- (MUFFLED MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES)
- Beanie, did you clean your room?
(BABBLING ANGRILY)
Don't talk back to me,
you fuckin' gremlin!
- (WHIMPERING)
- Oh. I didn't mean it.
(FRUSTRATED CRYING)
Beanie, I'm sorry!
It's from Kingstown U. Ready?
Beanie did not get in! Fuck!
He takes after you.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
TYLER THE GIANT:
Fee‐fi‐fo‐fum, bitches!
(YELLING)
(THUDS) Ha ha!
(WISPIES YELLING AND CHATTERING)
Spring break!
(POUNDING) (GRUNTING)
Uh. I'm done. Let's do some shots!
(GULPS) Aah!
Why did you never mention the giants?
TYLER THE GIANT:
Show me them Wispie titties!
They've been gone for generations.
In olden times, they enslaved us,
but even worse,
they're assholes!
Check out the bling! Wassupppp?
Who wants to get fuckin' faded?
They're always bringing
their guitars to parties
and talking about slammin' puss!
And they all seem to be named Tyler.
We banished them to the clouds above,
but now your beanstalk has given them
a way to return!
(GUITAR STRUMMING)
Oh, he's got his guitar out!
- Oh, great. You got an earring
to go with that shitty tattoo.
- (GLASS SHATTERING)
Is this midlife crisis
ever gonna end, Beanie?
(BABBLING, HICCUPPING)
(GULPING)
Are you drunk?
- (CHICKENS CLUCKING)
- You stole a boat?
What's wrong with you?
Where'd you learn to be a boat thief?
How'd you turn into such a pathetic
attention whore?
And how did you become such a lush?
(GULPING, GRUNTING)
(BEANIE ROARS)
I learned it from watching you.
(SPITS)
Is this
all our fault?
We made Beanie this way.
No, we've been terrible parents.
(DISTANT SIREN BLARING)
- (HORN HONKING)
- The cops! We've gotta hide Beanie!
You distract them.
I'll sneak Beanie out the back.
Goodbye.
No, no, no, no, no! No, Beanie!
Beanie, no!
(BEANIE BABBLING)
(THUDDING) (ARROWS FIRING)
(BEANIE SQUEALING)
(THUDS) (YELLS)
ALL: (YELLING) No!
My firstborn! (ALL YELLING)
Shit!
(CHOPPING) (GRUNTING)
Ha ha ha ha.
(SMASHES) (CHOMPS)
Mm.
But we didn't vote for this!
Trick shot! (GRUNTS)
(THWACKING) (GRUNTS)
Ha ha! Meant to do that!
(WISPIE GIGGLING)
Ha ha ha ha! Watch this!
(YELLING)
(THUDS) Crushed it!
Mayor McCloud, cut the ropes!
We can help you!
Freeing you would require
a two‐thirds majority!
And the speaker of the house
just got trick‐shotted!
Okay. The hell with this.
We're playing by king rules now.
Humph. Untie us or I eat the mayor.
(SNAPPING)
- MAYOR McCLOUD: Oh!
- See, Patrick?
Democracy is a failed experiment.
- Now, let's get the fuck out of here.
- (TYLER THE GIANT YELLING)
We can't just let them get slaughtered.
We're responsible.
Actually, it's the beans' fault.
(TYLER THE GIANT GRUNTING)
How about this?
If we take down that giant,
you can take that big‐ass nipple ring.
Ah, I had one of those in high school,
but my girlfriend's headgear
got stuck on it.
Not to wear!
It's solid gold. (GASPS)
PATRICK:
It'll pay your bills for months!
Fine. We'll do it your way.
(PATRICK YELLING) (SNAPS)
Here! Run through his legs.
(BOTH PANTING)
(TYLER THE GIANT GRUNTING)
Party foul! Whoa!
(THUDS) (SQUISHING)
(SPLATS)
That might be the worst thing
I've ever seen.
Now gimme that gold.
Yoink! (SQUISHING)
Nope. That's worse. Ugh.
Uh, I think I'm okay.
I'm getting my second wind.
Boot and rally.
(SAWING) (GRUNTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
The good news is we'll feast
on giant meat for weeks,
and the bad news is that beanstalk
still bridges our world to theirs!
(GROUND RUMBLING)
Not for much longer.
They're chopping down the beanstalk.
Come on, sire. It's now or never.
(SWORD HACKING)
Broth, wait! Stop chopping!
(CRACKS) (PATRICK YELLING)
Sire, get on!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(WISPIES YELLING)
Whoa! Bazingaaaa!
(ALL YELLING)
Oh, gentlemen.
It has been an honor‐Aah!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING) (CHOPPING)
(BEANSTALK GROANING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(YELLING CONTINUES)
(THUDS) (BOTH YELLING)
Oh, hey, Patrick. Sloane!
You're leaving?
What the fuck just happened?
I've saved the kingdom.
(CRUMBLING)
Look at this loot.
It's still got a little nipple on it.
But we're rich.
(CLINKS)
Once we pay for the catastrophic damage
to the castle,
this should keep us afloat
for a few weeks.
So, the kitchen staff keeps their jobs?
That's a random question, but sure.
(BROTH LAUGHING)
(SPLATS) Oh, shit.
What? Oh, no.
Who was that? (SPLATS)
- PATRICK and SLOANE: Oh.
- (SPLATS)
(GASPS) Oh, my God. (SPLATS)
(SPLATTING CONTINUES)
I hope at least their
modern art museum survived.
(CRASHING)
(CRUMBLING)
(SPLATTING)
Never mind.
Patrick, quit lollygagging.
You've got a nipple ring to melt down.
- And you? Make me a cake.
- Yes, sire.
- (SPLATTING CONTINUES)
- romantic saxophone music ♪
(ALL SOBBING)
Oh! It's not fair! (SOBBING)
Goodbye, sweet Beanie.
(SOBS) We did the best we could.
Wow. Who knew parenting was so hard?
You know, nobody ever talks about that.
We should apologize to Mom and Dad
for all we put them through.
Seriously.
I once pawned Mom's wedding ring
to get into an underground
pirate fight club.
I mean, I won, of course.
Totally worth it.
Do you guys think Beanie was sent here
to force us to examine ourselves
and become better people?
DOREEN: Kids, we're home!
Jeez, where'd the day go?
Hey, let's tell Mom
she forgot to leave us pizza money.
Good idea. (LAUGHS) Classic.
Hey, Mom! I'm all your fault!
Soft orchestral music playing ♪
CHILD: That was amazing!
(BALL BEEPING)
(LOSER SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)