Cucumber (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 - Will you marry me? - No.
I think there's got to be one more cock! Out there! You're 46 years old, he is never going to have sex with you.
He is never ever going to have sex with you, never! It's all been a bit mental.
- I sort of got lost.
- I've met someone.
Don't you touch me! You look nice.
Thank you.
We'll see you later.
You You don't have to come.
Day off work with full pay.
- Morning.
- Hi.
That's a very good shower.
It is, isn't it? I think you should ring the bell while I'm here.
Is that OK? Well, it's my house.
Hmm, it's half mine.
- How are you? - Exhausted.
Rosemary sends her apologies, she did try to make it.
I know, she texted.
Ah.
- That'll be Cleo.
- Yeah.
I can't believe I beeped! Oh, my God.
Sorry, force of habit.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, that's OK.
Aw, thank you, sweetheart.
Look, Auntie Marie's here.
Bad day, man.
- Ah, thanks.
You look smart.
- Hm.
- Nice of you to come.
- I wanted to pay my respects.
Well, very kind of you.
This is my Auntie Marie Lance's sister Bloody Tomasz?! He can't ride in the funeral car, he's not family.
Well, is he? I don't know.
Are they boyfriends or not? - Well have you asked? - I did.
He said, ' "Mum, don't be so old-fashioned.
'" And then he asked me for 20 quid cos that never gets old, does it? How are you? I'm OK.
Here he comes.
I thought it best to tell you before the funeral, just in case it goes public, but I've been informed that Daniel Coltrane has instructed a new defence team.
What for? But he confessed.
He said that he did it, he said so.
I know, yeah.
He was the one who called the police.
He sat there with Lance's body for three hours, he told them.
He's now claiming provocation.
Oh, Jesus.
He's saying that Lance made a pass at him and he lashed out.
Gay panic.
The defence is known as gay panic.
You lot, shut up.
Just shut up, I'm telling you, shut up! The court won't recognise it.
Homosexual panic, it's not allowed as a defence on its own.
But this means we're going to trial.
If he changes his story, there's got to be a trial, is that right? The thing is, he's insane.
And, I mean, genuinely, he's in a state of collapse.
Tomorrow he might say something completely different.
- Can he stop the funeral? - Oh, you're kidding.
No, he can't, the body's been released, he can't do that.
But if it does go to court he can say all this, out loud? He can say it was Lance's fault? Yeah.
And could it work? Is there any chance it could actually work? No.
Although if he claims sexual assault, we might be looking at manslaughter, not murder.
- What's that for? - What? Why you lookin' at me? I can go and see him.
I know he's turned down your request.
Unless, Henry, you want to try and? I don't want to see him, no.
Understood.
But I could get to see him, to represent you, if you want? And obviously I could take a statement.
Have a briefcase with me, files and a pen.
Because solicitors get searched entering a prison just like everyone else, but I'd still have a pen.
Because a pen is all I'd need, really.
I think it would take me a second to lean across and insert the pen through his throat.
Right here.
At the base.
Straight through to the spine.
I could do that.
He'd bleed out in seconds.
Dead.
So that's what I'll do.
With your permission.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
That would be excellent.
Thank you.
It's like it says in the old song, ' "I scarce can take it in.
'" - Thanks for coming.
- Tell you what, it's invigorated me! I'm bloody burning with rage! And you remember Cleo? Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you.
- Bless you.
Help yourself to the buffet.
Oh! Aw - I'm so sorry, Mr B.
- Hey, that's all right.
It's OK.
Oh, darling, come here.
Oh Turns out he had a father and everything.
Daniel? Yeah, he told us he only moved here cos of his job, but his ex-wife says he's got a father in Chorlton in sheltered housing.
78 years old, no-one knew.
He lied about everything, he is such a liar.
Right, and this is my sister, Cleo.
- We met at that open day.
Hello, hi.
- Oh, we did.
You all right? Please help yourself to the buffet.
Remember what I said - don't let this define you, OK? Yeah.
And you've met Cleo? Listen to me, though.
You didn't die with him, OK? Yes! Thank you, yes.
Nice of you to come, Freddie.
Oh, I'm fucking furious.
- Oh, Nelly, I thought you were dead.
- I was, for a while.
I'm furious, though, that murdering fuck! - Cleo, you remember Nelly? - Drayton Manor.
I ended up with Nelly on a pedalo.
- You look fucking gorgeous.
- Oh, baby! - Thank you for coming, sweetheart.
- I'll see you later.
See you later.
But what are we doing here?! He didn't like cricket, did he? No, it was Marie's idea, cos Marie didn't like using a pub, and whatever Marie says goes.
Elaine sends her love.
She couldn't make it, she's got the kids.
Oh, yeah, I know, just look around - there's no Elaine, there's no Max.
There's no sign of Sally and her gang.
There's no-one from Johnson's, there's no-one from Picardie's - And I'm Cleo, we - Cos that's what happens - We go way back.
when it's a murder.
Apparently! Everyone's too embarrassed to come.
They warned us with the buffet.
They said, '"If you're expecting 100, you'll only get 50.
'" This is Cleo.
Thanks for coming, I'm starving.
Ah - Marie, you all right? - Hi, Louis.
Thank you.
Hi, Tash, how're you doing? - Thanks Thanks so much for coming.
- That's all right.
Thanks so much for coming.
- Yeah.
- It's really good of you.
I've rediscovered cabbage.
It turns out if you shred it, add salt, pepper and butter, it's delicious.
You only cook it for five minutes, boil it vigorously- five minutes flat - then serve, because if you cook it for too long, that's when it gets smelly.
Boil it hard, nice and fast, lid down tight.
Ooh, like cooking a live rat! I've got a girlfriend now - Kelly Hassan.
She's in Year 12.
She'd seen me online, so we sort of hooked up.
So, poor old Tomasz, what about him, has he been dumped? He's got a girlfriend, too.
And her name's Kelly Hassan.
You're both going out with the same girl? But What is that - threesome? Oh, my God.
Nobody says that any more.
OK, enough.
I told her.
Everyone's going to think she's Lance's secret daughter.
Well, exactly.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
Well, how are you bearing up? Oh, um OK, you know.
Well, I don't mean to intrude, but I've got to drive back, I really can't stay.
- Uh! I'm Susan Driscoll.
- Oh.
I knew Lance, um Oh, a long time ago.
I hadn't seen him for years, but He was such a lovely man.
I just wanted to say.
He was such a lovely man.
Oh, i-i-i-it It's OK.
Sorry.
No.
Fine.
I really won't keep you, I've got to go, thanks.
Oh, my God.
Oh I just keep thinking, ' "Why? '" His heart stopped beating, Miss Babs.
- How are you, though, mate? - I'm OK.
Mind you, everyone thinks it's my fault.
Nonsense.
- No way! - No.
I'm jealous.
You're so fucking tragic, I'd love it.
You can't say that! We're all thinking it.
It must be magnificent, having all this sympathy.
I'd be wearing a cape.
Heads up, have you seen? His name's Troy - 20, from Hull.
Studying Economics in MMU.
Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Too late.
I scarce can take it in.
I was never that good.
Never.
Oh, come on, you were pretty once.
Weren't you? Were you? Were you? Hey, hold on.
What did he say? He doesn't do over 21.
Ooh! Oh, it's not over.
No way! You lot can fuck off.
Look, I'm so sorry.
Look, take a seat here, I'm going to get you a drink, OK? I thought we'd seen the last of this - funerals at too young an age.
I thought we'd beaten it.
Well, we're headin' for 50 now.
It's a world of terror beyond that, boys.
- A world of fucking terror.
- It's started already.
I looked at my skin this morning.
It looked like the city of Homs.
Tell you what, do you know the worst thing about getting old? Oh, don't, Cliff, not today.
Hairs.
We get hairs.
That's nothing new, we all get hairs.
No, I mean hairs on your cock.
Not the base, but on the shaft, like, halfway down.
Sticking out the middle like a branch on a mug tree.
And the older you get, the more they sprout - sticking right out of your cock.
And they're long and they grow fast, like a bolted lettuce.
They just appear, out of nowhere, overnight, bang! Cock hairs.
Halfway down.
Protruding! It's hard to see when it's nestling.
Isn't it different with us, though? Well, I'm perfectly trim, years of maintenance gone into this.
I don't believe it's possible, the shaft has no capacity for hair.
Oh, Christ almighty - What? What is it? - You bastards.
Come on, Raymond.
Come on! It's just a stray hair, isn't it? Give it a pull.
You fuckers! Oh, Raymond, oh! Oh, don't worry, mate.
You all right? - I'm fine, I'm just - Oh, yeah.
Yeah! What? I feel as if I've eaten too many eggs.
Everybody wants to see me cry.
They're just waiting.
Like they need it.
Well, they can bugger off! Last night, I thought I was going to drown.
We're closed, mate.
Sorry, move on.
Coffee.
So, Lucy moved out.
She moved back to Wythenshawe.
- This place was way too expensive.
- How much? - Interested? - Dunno.
Yeah.
The flat's gone weird since the murder thing.
It was on the news again last night.
Changed his plea.
It never stops.
All right, he's dead, OK, I didn't even know him.
Do you know what the worst thing is? I'm Henry's best friend now.
Mm, God, I hate that.
Cos I was there when they phoned, the police.
And, I mean, it was terrible, yeah.
A golf club! Toom! But it's like we got forged together by mistake and I'm stuck with him.
Shag him and then he can move on.
Do that again.
I like that.
I don't care, though! That's the truth, I don't.
I just sit in that flat, all sad face.
I'm telling you now, right down deep in my heart, I do not care.
How much? The rent's 500.
Then there's the electricity, plus the service charge, so it's an extra 150.
No way, I can't afford that.
You could always ask your dad, he could lend you the money.
Yeah.
But Christopher.
When do you need to know? As soon as you can.
We've got to fill that room.
Hey, Freddie, how you doing? Saul, you wimp, how's things? Carrie Anne said you knew that guy with the golf club.
I was his love rival.
Looks like you won.
Yeah that's what tends to happen.
Nice to see ya.
Mm-hm.
Nah-ah-ah A bit more.
I'll see you later.
- Oh, my God! - I know! Fucking hell! - I'll move in.
- You mean it? Seriously, done, I'll take the room.
That lot can fuck off.
The woman at the bank was quite nice.
Well, she was a bit brisk.
You'd think they could train them to show a bit more sympathy.
But I think I should find myself a solicitor just in case.
Yeah.
In case of what? Just - This is nice.
- Mm.
And mine, it's lovely.
So, a solicitor, to? Sort things out and handle the sale of the house, I think.
We're selling it? I think we have to.
' "Too many memories'", that's what you said.
Well Yes.
I say a lot of things.
You're out of work Lance was paying both halves of the mortgage, I can't afford to do that.
But But If you look at the bigger picture I know technically, half the house is yours, technically, but we'd been together almost ten years, you just You just kind of assume You think the house is yours? You could argue that, yes.
Then we do need solicitors.
If you're imagining some sort of common law inheritance, it doesn't exist.
No.
But there's basic decency.
You're not the boyfriend, Henry, you're the ex.
Look, I'm trying to find a way out of this.
If you can buy my half, that would be wonderful.
Good point, I'd love to, but you've inherited all of my money.
- The account says Lance Sullivan.
- I told you, if you look at the dates, Lance took our savings from the joint account and he moved them w-w-without my permission.
- And why did he do that? - Well, out of spite.
- Uh-ho-ho, a nice way to remember him - No, it wasn't just that, look It was all sort of fraught and we both said all sorts of things, but that's my money - £32,000 - and I know, in my heart, he would have given it back.
Except he died.
And that's not my fault.
I'm sorry, but it's not.
OK.
- It's not! - OK.
It's not my fault that he's dead.
- So you keep saying.
- How is it my fault? He wouldn't have been in that room! Did-Did I kill him, did I? W-W-Was it me? Did I pick up that thing and bash his brains out? Did I do that, Marie, was that me? Or was it Daniel Coltrane, who Lance went to see for sex? Where am I in that room? Tell me, where am I? Was it my fault, though? No.
Sorry.
I'm very sorry, but it had to be said.
I know.
So, we can talk about transferring the money back.
No.
But it's mine! I have a daughter in Boston and the course is expensive.
It's not anyone's fault, it just is.
But now Lance can take care of her.
I think that's lovely.
I think that's nice.
I'm sorry, but I do.
So I'll get a solicitor.
Yes? Hey, we're not all good! What am I doing, though? We can always get some people.
This is Freddie.
This is Maureen and Floss.
That's Maureen, that's Floss, they're new.
We've moved into Violet's old place.
Just brought round a cheeky little bottle of wine to apologise in advance for any noise.
OK.
Oh, he's too cool for fucking school.
- You've got a pet albino.
- Oh, my God, you can stay! Anyway, we're still unpacking, better get back.
It's nice to meet you and sorry for your loss, Henry.
Thank you.
Come on over once we're settled.
Freddie Monsieur.
Bye, guys.
They were nice.
Yeah, look, favour, OK? I need ten quid.
I know, and I will.
But, listen, Aiden's out tonight.
All I need is ten quid, I could buy him a drink, and then.
Bap! Hold on, I've got an Aiden on my favourites.
Is it the same one? Aiden with an E? Welsh? Aged 24? Shit, it's the same man.
Please, don't wank over him, Mr B.
- Have you messaged him? - I can't, in case he blocks me.
You're the only one who can shag his favourites.
The rest of us have to stare.
There he is.
- Had him? - Nope.
Nice, he's new.
So, why don't you go find him? What for?! A man like that is never going to shag a man like me.
- I could have him.
- Well, yeah.
Fat lot of good that does me.
I could get him for you.
I could, though.
Do you want me to? Yeah, you'd say, ' "Meet my friend, '" and he'd run a mile.
Maybe.
OK.
I might have to throw myself in as part of the deal, then he'd be interested.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen! Offer's there.
One time only.
Why would you do that? A gift, for the widow.
We could find him with this.
Says he's five miles away.
There's a gay pub in Prestwich, he could be there.
Or if we go five miles south, - he could be in Didsbury.
- Grindr doesn't work like radar.
It's not not radar, is it? It says you're 33 feet away! Exactly, it doesn't say I'm ten miles away, it's close! Oh, why don't we try? Cos you can sit there and think of reasons why not and then cry-wank yourself to sleep or you can come with me and get hard and dirty.
It's my gift.
What's it gonna be? - Is it working? Have you found him? - Can't get a signal.
- He's out of range for me - Just keep refreshing it! What do you think I'm doing? Got him! No! Shit, it's gone up! It says he's seven miles away now! Wrong way, turn around! Go south! Three miles away! Oh, my God, it's working.
If it's a Friday, in Didsbury, he's gone to the Kettle.
Maltings Road.
We're in feet! It says he's 4,500 feet away.
How far is that? That's the Kettle.
Definitely.
We're not seriously going to do this, are we? Oh, my God! What are you gonna say to him? Oh, bollocks! - Shit.
- Fuck! - One mile away.
- The bastard! He's on the move! It says three miles again.
Yeah, but look, there's loads of boys at three miles, you know why? It's three miles to Canal Street.
We'll never find him there! Oh, my God! 30 feet, 30 feet, 30 feet! - Fuck! Where can I park?! - I know, turn left! Left here! 360 feet now, where's that? New Union.
Could be G-A-Y.
Oh, shit! Oh, no way! Fuck! Get in! Bollocks! It's OK.
He's not going anywhere in this.
I bet he's in Manto's.
They've got that LGBT fundraiser.
What a night! We'll get him.
I always think it sounds like a sandwich, LGBT.
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it? - Lettuce, gay bacon and tomato.
They've added a Q - we're supposed to be LGBTQ these days.
Lettuce, gay bacon, tomato and quince.
No.
Not as funny.
- What is quince, anyway? - It's a plant.
I know it's a plant.
I didn't think it was an animal.
I'm not going to be chased down the street by a wild quince, am I? I fancy a sandwich.
I think I'll have Chicken on curly kale.
Me, too.
I'll have cock.
- Large or small? - Large, thanks.
I'll have a really big cock.
Supersize it.
Massive.
Nice big cock on crusty white.
I'll have focaccia under curly kale, thank you.
- ' "Under'"! I haven't got much time, could I have a really fast fuck, please? Is that for takeaway? No, I'll have my fuck right here.
I'll tell you what I want for lunch, I want a beef, apple, lemon, lettuce sandwich.
Is that hot or cold, sir? Oh, gotta be hot! I want big, hot balls in me mouth, fast as you can! I went out with Julie Bisme for three years.
But we never really did anything.
We'd lie on her bed and fumble.
Then I'd go home.
What about you? No.
Snogged a few, that's all.
Can I ask? Is it easier with a girl? Like when you have sex properly? Cos my mate Terry says, '"You can deny it all you like, '"but men and women are designed to fit together properly.
'" Is that true? Well slightly.
- Really? Do you think? - We're not supposed to say so.
The lettuce and gay bacon police will have me arrested, but yeah, you kind of click.
Then again, that's the best thing about sex with men.
It's harder to fit.
It's the battle, do you know what I mean? - Yeah! - Getting those legs in the right place.
- Then going in.
Bam! - Oh, man! Lance had a girlfriend.
Only the one, when he was 18.
But he always said he loved her.
She was at the funeral.
Susan Driscoll.
I didn't recognise her name.
He used to call her ' "Suzie Carlisle'".
After all these years.
I should've spoken to her.
I should've got her number.
I should've run after her.
But I didn't.
Do you know why I didn't stop her? Because I was too embarrassed.
In front of all those people.
I didn't want to run, cos everyone was looking at me.
So, I just let her go, in case I looked like an idiot.
We never fucked.
Me and Lance.
I've never fucked anyone, I've never been fucked.
I've never had penetrative sex, I've never had any sort of fuck whatsoever.
No, but you must've had I think about it all day long, but I've never done it, OK? So, no, I don't know about the legs and the battle and the arsehole.
I haven't got a clue.
I don't know the first fucking thing, all right? And that's what drove him away.
I come too soon.
What? Every time.
I can't help it.
30 seconds and I pop.
Right.
OK.
I can wank for about three hours solid, but fuck me and I'm off Yes, look, I've just said something I've never said before, so if you could just Actually, if you could not be premature, right this minute, Dean, that'd be marvellous, thanks! - What about you? - What about me? I'm a virgin.
He comes too soon.
What have you got? No.
Nothing.
Oh, you're perfect, aren't you? - I could be taller.
- So, who's Christopher? - Fuck off.
- Yeah, who's Christopher? - I said, fuck off.
- Is he your brother? Your parents mentioned a Christopher.
Really, fuck right off! So, did your parents chuck you out of home, Dean? - Really, did they? - Yes, they did! - What do you mean? - Ask him yourself! - God, you're a bastard! - Is that not true? - Leave me alone! - Did they chuck you out? Yes! Oh, my God, you made it up.
Oi! You've never been fucked, let's talk about you! - I can't believe you did that.
- Piss off! Of course you made it up I'm going, in a minute.
Cos you do.
Like when I was young.
I'd cop off, and someone would say, like, Cleo, she'd say, '"How was last night? '" and I'd say, '"Cor! '" You know, with a little mime, as if he can barely walk.
As if I'd fucked the life out of him.
I did it for so long, I forgot I was lying.
Who's Christopher? No-one.
If we'd found that man tonight, what would you have done with him? Everything else.
I mean, I'm not a virgin.
I'm seriously not.
I've done a million things! Just everything except fuck.
Well that's all right.
I suppose.
You don't have to.
Exactly.
Lots of people don't, it's not just me.
Yeah, that's fine, if you're happy.
- Are you happy? - But it's brilliant, - up the bum.
- Thanks, Dean That's the reason I come too soon, cos it's lovely! OK! Did you ever try? Yes, it hurt.
But that's for like 30 seconds.
- It's more than 30 seconds.
- It's a lot more.
Actually, that's a great 30 seconds.
But get past that.
And it's everything.
It's like a whole world, Henry.
Why didn't you just try again? I don't know! Why does anyone do anything?! But do you actually want to fuck? - OK, just leave it now.
- No.
Cos If you're having a wank, say You're imagining two men.
Let's go for the obvious, you've got Harry Judd and Dougie Poynter on board the tour bus, cos everyone's imagined that one, even David Cameron's tossed himself off thinking about that, yes? - Oh, yeah! - Yep.
What are they doing, in your head? They have sex.
Oh, my God, they so have sex.
- But do they fuck? - Yes.
What do they do? Harry fucks Dougie.
Really, really hard.
- On the back seats.
- And that's penetration? He is right inside him.
And that turns you on? Yes.
So So, the act of fucking turns you on and you've never, ever done it.
- Yes.
- Jesus Christ! Why not? Lance said I don't know.
He said it was shame.
So so where was he in all of this? Did he fuck? He wanted to for nine years.
Oh, my God.
I used to think, he'll sneak off one day and have secret little fucks with someone else, and that'll be brilliant.
Oh, the relief! But he was too good, wasn't he? He was so good, he put up with me all that time! And I'm never gonna find anyone like him again and I told him to wait! I told him, I said to him, '"Wait ' "cos I'm gonna come back! '" I was always gonna come back! All he had to do was wait, and it's not fair! It's OK.
Why didn't he wait? I still don't think it's my fault.
- Oh, give up! - Oh, no! I know I'm supposed to say, ' "It's not my fault, '" and then scurry off into some dark little corner and think, ' "It is my fault.
'" But bollocks to that! Cos, yes, I could've done this and I could've done that, all right, but I have looked, I promise you, I have absolutely searched in every part of my soul, and I'm I'm sorry but it's not my fault, so you piss off! I have never liked you more.
Yeah, well, you can piss off, too! Do you know what? I think we've got it wrong, in all honesty.
I think it's Dougie who fucks Harry.
Yeah.
Cos that's the first thing about fucking, Mr B.
It's never quite the way you expect.
- Am I having lessons now? - Oh, it's about time.
Who's gonna have me? Never mind that I'm 46 and bereaved.
- Now I've got to be deflowered.
- Freddie's still on offer.
' "One night only.
'" That's what you said.
That's true, you actually said it.
Could you do it, though, Freds? I could.
Absolutely.
What, with me? Look at me! What the hell is gonna turn you on? Sometimes sex itself is sexy.
Really?! God, you've got so much to learn! Well, teach me, then, you bastard! Go on, put him out of his misery.
- You're like a charity! - Yeah, that's me, that's me What? Nothing.
Is something funny? ' "Aiden.
24.
Versatile.
'" You just missed the best night of your life.
Well, it's not too late if you wanna ditch your mates.
Nah, fuck it.
We're going home.
Oh, I'm knackered.
- See you, then.
- Night.
I'm on a light up in the sky Smiling down as if I'm you We will someday be I will someday be We will someday be I will someday be We would someday be.
No.
Good.
Hi.
Hiya.
- Henrico.
- Morning.
So, what's today, then, chaps? Dunno.
Cinema? I've gotta see Lucy.
Then I might punch anyone who says ' "chaps'".
And after that, I might even cook tonight.
- Oh, my God, you never cook.
- Yeah, well, let's see.
If I get a better offer, you can sod off.
- Who's that? - We're all in.
I know, so who's that? Morning, boys.
Don't mind us.
- Who the fuck are you? - Robbie, kitchen.
Alan, with me.
Hey! Where are you going? Hey! What are you doing? Who are you? Oi! That's my room! Get off that, it's mine.
What the fuck are you doing?! If you could just stand back, mate.
That's my stuff! Argh! If you could just stand back, as requested, sir Thank you.
Get off! Argh! Fuck off! Just fuck off! S-Sorry, wh-where are you going? Look, where do you think you're going? Wha - Oh, no, you don't.
- I don't give a toss, mate, you've got two minutes to get out, OK? Just give it.
Give it! Give it! Argh, stop! Don't, don't, don't! Freddie, stop it, don't! Oh, like you'd fucking dare, you coward! Fuck you! Well, Roderick says, do yourselves a favour and get out.
But he's the landlord.
He is, and as of this moment, he declares that his premises have been illegally occupied.
Your property is henceforth his property and you are all required to leave this building immediately.
Robbie.
Car.
Nice and quick, eh? He's not even a proper landlord! - I'm phoning the police.
- Great! Me, too! That's mine, you bastards! It's my flat! Look at me! Look at me! I'm going to fucking deck you! - They just walked in! - I know! They did it to us, too! Oh, my God, he tried to kill me! - Literally, I almost died! - Which one? That one over there! Him! - Oi! - No, don't kill him! Don't! Scotty, don't! Stop it! All right, all right, all right! OK, OK! What are you doing?! We just moved in yesterday! Roderick said it was fine, he gave us the fucking keys! This was yesterday! Jonjo? I might have a little bit of work for you.
Calico Warehouse.
Who's in charge here? No idea.
You can stop that right now.
Police! Here are the police! OK, quick.
This man took my laptop and my speakers and then he assaulted me.
I entered my client's property and found this young man high on drugs.
Oh, fuck off! Fuck off, you liar! Told you that place was dodgy.
Turns out, you're an allotment scheme.
It's recession economics, started in New York.
Property gets frozen, in dispute, so you fill it with tenants.
The kind of tenants who don't ask too many questions.
Keep the rent low, so no-one asks for a contract, then you stand back and you watch them flourish, with their iPads and their smartphones and their widescreen TVs.
And then you harvest them.
All of your stuff will be on sale in a pub in Ordsall by 12 o'clock, and there is nothing you can do about it.
In six months' time, they'll start again.
Plant new seeds.
I've got nothing left.
You're a fucking disaster! Mwah! Hey, hey, hey! Break it up! Oh! Duty calls.
- Fuck off, you fucking! - Hold on! I represent that man, I'm his solicitor.
Not the face! Oh, by the way.
Did you notice? - What? - No crutches! - Oh! Well done.
- Thank you.
I'm trying to tell you.
No, no! You don't need to! So, that's it.
I've got nowhere else to go.
And I thought, ' "Well, Marie won't mind.
'" Cos we're like family, aren't we? Really? You and me? I mean, we've had our ups and downs, but that's OK, and this old house has got more than enough spare bedrooms.
And Lance would be happy to think of us, together.
In fact, he'd laugh.
He'd laugh his head off.
Do you remember that laugh? Because I miss him, Marie.
I miss him with every beat of my heart! So, you should stay! Cos the house belongs to both of us, I worked out this joint ownership thing, it's easy.
You can have the upstairs, and I can have the downstairs! No.
I've got Saul, he's here! Almost done, Mr B! 20 seconds, meatballs! Counting down! Oh, and if you don't like it - and call me psychic, but I suspect you might not - then you can get your solicitor to talk to my solicitor! Oh! Don't mind me.
- Welcome home, sweetheart! - Mwah! You've met my solicitor, remember? He's over there! He's the one with the pants on his head! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh Oh I'm not superstitious, about ya But I can't take no chance You got me spinnin', baby You know that I'm in a trance Cos your love, is better Than any love I know It's like thunder, lightning The way you love me is frightening You better knock, knock, knock, knock on wood Baby Oooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Baby Oooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Think I better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock Ooh Baby Ahhh It's no secret About it Cos with his loving touch You better knock, knock, knock on wood Think I better knock, knock on