Cybill (1995) s01e07 Episode Script

- Girls? Time for bed! - (Thunder) Yoo-hoo! What are you doing in - Oh, my God.
- What's the matter, Mommy? - You told us to play with the nanny.
- You You killed her! And with Mommy's good knives.
It was time for her nap, Mommy.
And you look tired too.
? Good night, Mommy? What have you done? What have you done? ? Good night, Mommy? - Get away from me! - ? It's time to take a nap? - No! - ? Good night, Mommy? - (Screams) - (Man) And cut! Print that.
Whoo! Wow.
You girls are good! Our TV show wins its time slot every week.
That's why you star in your own movie, while others spend 25 years learning their craft, only to be killed off during the opening credits.
Set up outside for Mom's fall.
Stunt doubles! - Was that OK? - Yeah, fine.
You two are just brilliant.
- How come she gets a bigger knife? - She has more lines.
Do not! "Our show wins its time slot every night.
" You kill me on that one.
- Hey, Cyb.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Jeff! - Like looking in a mirror, huh? Maybe if I was on acid.
What are you doing here? The regular guy got hurt.
They called me.
Working together and living in the same house, it's like being married.
- You're not dating as much.
- How about we car-pool? Jeff, sit down.
Cross your legs.
When I invited you to stay, I was thinking a week or two tops.
I hate to be pushy but it's been two months.
You've been patient.
I don't wanna wear out my welcome.
- When are you gonna move out? - Week or two tops.
- I'll buy dinner tonight.
- That isn't necessary.
I insist.
Here's ten bucks.
Drop by the Colonel on the way home.
Pick up a bucket.
- You want fries with that? - No, us girls gotta watch our figures.
Hey, Stretch.
You ever go out with a stuntman before? - Well, actually, yes.
- How about two stuntmen? Tempting.
Ah, better not.
However See that big old country girl? She might be interested.
- Really? - Thanks.
We may need reinforcements.
? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? - Chocolate mousse or creme brulee? - Sure.
Or a deep-fried river rat.
They're always good.
- Okey-doke.
- Will you turn off that stupid trial? Are you insane? It's gavel-to-gavel coverage.
I don't intend to miss a single gavel.
Whether or not he did it, this is LA, he'll walk.
And oh, what a walk it is.
I jump on this horse buck naked.
She startles and I land on the saddle horn.
Whoo! - Keep pouring till that's gone.
- Like I don't see enough of him.
The prosecutor's got an off-the-rack dress.
- What are we paying taxes for? - Exactly my point.
- Hello, ladies.
- Jeff, we had a deal.
I don't go to the topless doughnut shop and you don't come here.
- I'm celebrating.
- You found your own apartment? - Better, I quit my job.
- You quit? Quit, fired, same difference.
DNA, schmee-NA.
Without a murder weapon, you've got bupkes.
- What happened? - I got in a fight with the dwarves.
- You hit dwarves? - They started it.
One made a remark about my dress.
I said, "Watch it, Rumpelstiltskin.
" He takes it personal, jumps on my back, punches my neck.
You're lucky he jumped before he started punching.
I grab him by the belt, lob him at his pal, like they tell you to.
Then security escorts me off the lot.
- Like they tell you to? - Common knowledge.
Punch a shark in the nose, stare down a lion.
Lob a dwarf by the belt.
Even I know that.
Anyway, I think it's for the best.
I've outgrown stunt work.
Time for something more fulfilling.
How does it affect our "Farewell, Jeff" party? I'll have a job and be out of the house before you know it.
(Both) A week or two tops.
- I'll see you back at the ranch.
Bye.
- Bye, Gulliver.
How do I get the man out of my house? Easy.
Marry him again.
- Hey, Jeff.
What you doing? - Go away, Zoey.
Discover What You're Best At.
Can I help? - Go away, Zoey.
- What are you writing? - A list of my people skills.
- Outgoing, friendly.
Don't forget dwarf-throwing.
That's a people skill.
According to this book, if we take into account your people skills, data skills and mechanical skills, the career you're best suited for is organ donor.
Go away, Zoey.
In today's market, one healthy kidney is a nice chunk of change.
Go away, Zoey.
And don't forget, bone marrow is a renewable resource.
Zoey, believe it or not, I do care what you think of me.
And you're really hurting my feelings.
I am? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I was just kidding.
Chump.
Go away, Zoey.
- Dad, I'm really proud of you.
- Thank you, Rachel.
Decided what we're gonna be when we grow up? - Go away, Cybill.
- Come on, how's it going? This book is no help.
I know a lot of important people in the industry.
Once they find out I'm available, the phone'll ring.
- I'm sure it will.
- What will they be asking you to do? Movies, TV, lunches, meetings, giving your opinion.
I'm great at that stuff.
I think you're being naive.
There's more to being an entertainment executive than that.
There's You're gonna be the king of Hollywood! I knew that.
(Dialling tone) (Doorbell rings) - This is ridiculous.
- Ira, I really appreciate it.
Just look at him.
That's not good, not good at all.
That's bad.
- What about stunt work? - He doesn't wanna take a step back.
One more step back and he won't have opposable thumbs.
He won't listen to me.
- So you ask your other ex-husband.
- You have a lot in common.
He's a man, you're a man.
He's switching careers, you switched.
- He's a man, you're a man.
- I'm what kind of man? - Big, strong, helpful man.
- And? A man who's not paying me alimony yet.
- Jeff, how you doin', old pal? - What do you want? Thought I'd just come over and hang.
- So, how goes the battle, big guy? - A lot of irons in the fire.
Week or two tops.
- Good.
Glad to hear it.
- A lot of male bonding going on.
I'll just go up and darn some socks, can some fruit.
- Jeff, mind if I give you a little advice.
- Make it fast.
I'm expecting a call.
Sure you are.
When I decided to become a writer, I didn't just quit my job at the law firm.
I wrote at night.
Sure, I lost some sleep.
And a few clients went to jail who perhaps shouldn't have.
But I kept my cash flow going, never had to live over anyone's garage.
- I can't go back to being a stuntman.
- Why? Your pride? Look at you.
What do you have to be proud of? - Ira, let me tell you a story.
- Oh, boy.
A story.
I've been a stuntman for 26 years.
I learned from the best in the business.
- A man called Stitch Sullivan.
- If he was the best, why Stitch? - You wanna hear the story or not? - Yeah, what the hell.
Stitch taught me how to take a fall, roll a car, handle explosives.
You know the most important thing? Wear a cup? I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate.
Go on.
He taught me to never think about the fear, and I never did.
- Till last week.
- Is that the problem? You're scared? That's why I sucker-punched the dwarf and got myself fired.
I couldn't face the fall off the balcony.
OK, so you got scared.
I can understand that.
I can't understand why you pick on dwarves, but fear I understand.
You're a writer.
What have you got to be scared of? Paper cuts? Let me tell you, there is no fear greater than facing a blank page, and I have to do it every day of my life.
I never thought of that.
So someday you might wake up and not have any ideas? - Exactly.
- Interesting.
What if a long time goes by and you still can't come up with anything? Well, you hope that won't happen.
That's why a lot of you guys commit suicide, huh? I I guess.
Oh, man.
All of a sudden, you're empty, dry as a bone.
- Tap city.
- Yeah.
And the worst thing is you never know when it's gonna happen.
Oh, God.
I can't breathe.
Hey! How's it going in here? Well, I found out why Jeff won't leave your house.
And? And I don't think I can leave, either.
I don't wanna miss the forensics testimony.
Relax.
Look.
A lot of these people used to be famous.
You're right.
There's Cesar Romero.
Cesar Romero is dead.
Well, then, somebody should get him out of the sun.
This isn't a hand.
It's a foot! Just once, say something besides, "This isn't a hand.
It's a foot!" Say it's an ankle, say it's a leg, a bladder.
This isn't a hand.
It's a bladder.
What is that? A bladder is the thing you can't control any more.
- Come on, fellas.
Let's play cards.
- I'm in for a nickel.
- Ain't you got nothing smaller? - Yeah, but my zipper's stuck.
- Hey, fellas, look.
Shicksas.
- Where? If I had my prostate back for just an hour.
(Parps) - I'm looking for Stitch Sullivan.
- He's over by the window.
Can I touch your tushie? - What? - Don't worry, cupcake.
Nothing on him works but his mouth.
- Know who I am, baby? - I'm sure after a nap you'll remember.
I just wanna say, I loved you guys in The Little Rascals.
Mr Sullivan? Stitch? Oh, boy.
Hey, Charlie Sheen bought us hookers again.
Mr Sullivan, I'm Cybill Sheridan.
Do you remember Jeff Robbins? He's a stuntman.
Sure, I remember Jeff.
What's the deal? He get you pregnant? Well, yeah, 24 years ago.
Good luck in getting him to marry you now.
The thing is, Mr Sullivan, Jeff has lost his nerve, can't work any more.
Couldn't tell me.
Had to tell my other ex-husband, Ira.
I know how important you are to him.
Stitch Sullivan, best stuntman in the business.
So I thought if anyone could help him out of this, it'd be you.
What do you think? - Mr Sullivan? - What? Yeah? Oh Wanna come to my house and talk to Jeff? - Who? - Jeff.
Oh, yeah.
But what's in it for me, angel face? I'll make you lunch.
Good enough.
- You don't need your wheelchair? - Just to cruise for broads.
Without wheels, they won't even look at you.
So the bear said, "You didn't come here to hunt, did you?" You didn't come here to hunt.
That's rich.
- Maryann, time to go.
- Oh, sorry, boys.
Gotta run.
Thanks for letting us touch your tushie.
It was an honour.
- You let them touch your tushie? - Yep.
Know where I can cash some Social Security cheques? Jeff, give me the remote, quick.
Oh, no.
What is she wearing now? Oh, I definitely object.
Jeff, look who's here.
Stitch Sullivan.
Stitch.
Man, it's been a long time.
- Boy, you got old.
- (Maryann) She looks like a pilgrim.
Is this the trial of the century or a Thanksgiving pageant? It's great to see you.
I ought to slap you silly, you yellow-bellied punk.
Can I have my sandwich now? I was hoping you could give him a little encouragement.
Gotcha.
Sit down.
Now, what's the deal, you spineless rodeo clown? Blondie here says you lost your nerve.
I woke up one morning, I couldn't do it any more.
- Sheep flop.
- Sheep flop.
- Do you mind? - You know what your problem is, Jim? - Jeff.
- Uh, Jeff.
You forgot why you became a stuntman in the first place.
I like being in show business, the travelling, excitement.
Nooky.
World-class Hollywood nooky.
- OK, soup's on.
- Hold on, angel.
I'm making a point.
He's got my attention.
We both know that women go for men who take risks, face death.
Yeah, I know that, but what do you do about the fear? You wanna know what fear is? Fear is trying to pick up Jane Russell and having to tell her you're an accountant.
- You did Jane Russell? - Yeah, and I had a broken collarbone.
- Wow.
- You gotta make a choice.
Either you conquer that fear or never score the choice goodies again.
Well, time to go to work.
Thanks, Stitch.
That's all it took to get him to go back to stunt work, some macho fantasy about what women want? Well, why'd you sleep with him? His brain? He makes a solid argument, darling.
What's this? Divorce court? In a way.
? Macho, macho man ? Dig my muscles ? I've got to be a macho? Ira, calm down.
You're just a little stuck.
It happens to all writers.
You're not gonna quit writing and become a farmer.
Everyone knows writers get all the choice Hollywood nooky.
OK.
Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.
Of course I'm right.
Goodbye.
- He bought it? - He was typing before I hung up.
The trial's started again.
I missed it yesterday.
- I have the complete transcripts.
- Even the pre-trial hearing? Did I say complete? Is there anything that panders more to the lowest instincts of our society? Wheel Of Fortune, but it's been pre-empted.
- (Phone rings) - Jeez! What now? Ernest Hemingway and every good-Iooking woman in Key West.
Excuse me? Yes, this is Cybill Sheridan.
Oh, no.
Well, he has had some problems lately.
OK, I'll be right there.
Come on, Jeff.
You can do it.
I have faith in you, buddy.
See if you can find a gun.
Maybe we can shoot him off.
- How long has he been up there? - I'd say for about $30,000.
I hired him on your say-so, Cybill.
I heard about the dwarf incident.
- I'm sorry.
I'll talk to him.
- Thank you.
Oh, I read your script.
Sassy waitress part, have you cast that yet? Go.
As long as we're waiting, could you put the trial on? - Excuse me.
Can I try? - Why not? Daddy, it's me, Rachel.
I just wanted you to know that I love you very much.
We all love you very much.
Now, please, jump off the building.
Let me get that.
Hey, Jeff.
Do we all look like ants from up there? Go away, Zoey.
Hi, Jeff.
Hey, Cyb.
- How long you gonna stand out there? - A week or two tops.
Aren't you worried about not scoring the choice goodies? Not at this particular moment, no.
You know, Cyb, I was thinking.
If you do a job long enough, you sort of become the job.
But when you can't do the job any more, what exactly are you then? Jeff, listen to me.
You are not your job.
Even if you did nothing for a living, you'd be a wonderful person.
But I know you.
If you don't make this jump, you're gonna hate yourself.
But I can't.
It's always about you, isn't it? What? I open my home to you, let you live over my garage, but I ask you to jump off one building and you can't be bothered.
Did you once think about my feelings? No, you sit on my couch and sponge.
- This is not a good time.
- You eat my food, drink my beer.
Sneak your dirty shorts into my hamper.
Like I don't notice? Every time I turn around, there you are, more than when we were married.
Jeez, don't start.
Speaking of when we were married, did you wash a dish, cook a meal, change a diaper? No, you're too selfish! You were even selfish in bed! Not once in four years did you slow down and - That's it.
Goodbye.
- Come back here! I'm not done yet! I did it! Yes! Thanks, Cyb.
Yeah! Perfect.
Did you get that? - Where the hell is everybody? - Shh! We're watching them cross-examine the maid.
(Cybill) Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
It's a shame they made you jump twice.
- Yeah, you nailed it the first time.
- And almost nailed it a second time.
I'm not talking to you.
Three feet to the left and you wouldn't be talking to anybody.
Cyb, I was wondering, when you called me a selfish lover, were you just trying to make me jump? Oh, yeah.
You saw right through me.
You bet.
Made it up.
Here's what I was wondering.
When are you moving out, Jeff? - Soon as the neck brace comes off.
- When is that? - Altogether, now.
- (AIl) A week or two tops.
? Macho, macho man ? Dig my muscles ? I've got to be a macho man ? Dig my hairy chest ? I've got to be a macho?