Dad Stop Embarrassing Me! (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

[Chelsea] Hey. What you reading?
I'm reading Floyd Mayweather's book,
Rich Dad, Woke Dad.
- Wait, Floyd Mayweather wrote a book?
- Mmm-hmm.
Did he accidentally
leave his number in there?
Chels, all right, don't be so thirsty.
You know what? This is great.
As a dad, though, watch how he get down.
As punishment, he makes his son
chauffeur him around in his Bugatti,
and for his daughter's birthday,
got her a tiger.
[hisses]
Speaking of daughters,
Sasha off punishment yet?
Mmm-mmm, not for another two years.
- Hey, Aunt Chelsea.
- Hey.
Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
2 Chainz's daughter, Lil Anklet,
is having a sweet 16 party,
and I was wondering, I just thought maybe,
if you could find it in your heart
You know what, Sash? You can go.
- Damn! I knew you were gonna say this!
- What?
That's not fair! You know I
- [Chelsea] Girl, he said Wait.
- No, Sash, I said you could go.
- What?
- Yes, of course you can go.
You know what Floyd said?
Floyd said [hesitating] "Hey, listen.
Uh, being a father, it's 12 rounds."
"Don't get knocked out in the third."
Aunt Chelsea,
what'd you hit my dad over the head with?
I ain't hit him with nothing,
but Floyd hit him with an uppercut.
Oh, jokes, jokes, jokes.
Listen. Me, Johnny, Pops,
we're going over to The Giggle Gazebo
for some comedy tonight,
so let's say you be back here
at the house at 11:00.
Oh, I see you reading
my Floyd Mayweather book.
- Yeah.
- That's a smart guy.
50 said he didn't know how to count.
Floyd said, "That's all right.
I hire people to count for me."
[hesitating]
We can laugh, we can hang
But don't embarrass me ♪
Oh, no ♪
Please don't say the wrong thing
Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪
We can dance, we can joke
But don't embarrass me ♪
Oh, no ♪
Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
When I'm hangin' with my friends
Please don't be actin' wild ♪
Dad, don't you embarrass me ♪
[announcer]All right, Hotlanta.
And now, coming to
The Giggle Gazebo stage,
he's never had a special,
but he does use his mama's Netflix,
give it up for your host, Quickie Jenkins!
- [hip-hop instrumental music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
Oh! What's up, gigglets?
[audience laughing]
This is a beautiful crowd.
All my brothers
and sisters in the building.
All right, Latino brother. Stay with me.
Oh, shit. White guy.
Oh, yeah, pick on the white guy!
Hey, hey, hey, man!
Why you gotta pick on the white guy?
Know what I'm saying?
Pick on somebody your own color.
Why you taking up for the colonizer?
Why do they call you Quickie?
Because of your sex life
or the length of your career?
[crowd exclaims]
Oh, okay. You got jokes.
Okay. All right, look here, uh, boy.
- What do you do for a living, man?
- I'm a cop.
[crowd gasps]
But my body cam
won't be able to grab all of you.
It only shoots in 4K, not 4 ton.
Put the light on him.
So you think you so damn funny,
why don't you bring your ass back
here on open-mic night on Thursday?
Okay, maybe I will.
This show could certainly use some comedy.
[crowd] Ooh!
And bring your mama with you.
I'm pretty sure
she's as ugly as you are. [laughs]
Whatever y'all want to drink tonight,
it's on me.
Uh, Manny, you got this?
You still owe me from the club.
You know I got you, man.
Yo, J, man, you serious about going on
at The Giggle Gazebo on Thursday?
Because I'm telling you, you got jokes.
[imitating Bill Clinton] I did not have
sexual relations with that woman.
[laughing]
That would be funny if it was 1994.
Hey, Johnny, being a comic
is much harder than being a cop.
First of all, you gotta have tough skin,
and you gotta know
how to de-escalate a situation.
Most important of all,
you gotta be quick on your feet.
[in normal voice]
Man, I'm always quick on my feet.
Let me ask y'all something.
How come they don't have black cheddar?
[man] Put the money in the bag
or this shit's gonna get ugly!
I bet underneath that mask it already is.
And we don't have
any money in the register.
Well, give me seven lottery tickets,
and make 'em Quick Picks.
[whimpers]
I'm taking this bag of Ruffles, too.
And give me a receipt.
Damn it, Johnny!
Do something! Ain't you packing?
That's kind of personal, don't you think?
If you don't stop bullshitting
and shoot this bastard in his ass
before he shoots up
the whole goddamn store
Go on!
All right!
Tell Zia that I love her.
- I'll cover you.
- Yeah.
Freeze! Police!
What? Who are you?
Who am I?
[imitating Jason Statham]
Eh, let me ask you something.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Johnny, are you doing
Jason Statham or Clint Eastwood?
[in normal voice]
I'm Jason Statham doing Clint Eastwood.
Pause!
Shut up!
If you're a cop,
you don't have a uniform on,
and that means you're an off-duty cop,
which means
you don't have no bullets in that gun.
So, yeah, I am feeling lucky.
Oh! They shootin'! They shootin'!
- [screams] They shootin'!
- Dad!
Daddy! Daddy!
[grunts] Oh, I feel so cold.
Daddy, that's 'cause
you in the refrigerator.
Oh.
Well, in that case,
let me get one of these Vitamin Waters.
You totally had that guy.
Why the hell did you let him get away?
He was right.
I don't have any bullets in my gun.
See?
Oh, shit. I almost put that
in my mouth to show you guys.
Shame that robber got away.
Yeah, I ain't seen a white boy
run that fast since Caitlyn was Bruce.
Oh [exclaims]
Come on, Pops. You can't talk like that.
- You shut up! It's your house. I'm
- He could be in here!
- What is going on, Sasha?
- Hey, Dad.
I would have thought
that you'd be upstairs, asleep by now.
Yeah, I know.
I tried to text you but my phone died.
- [phone chimes]
- Oh, really?
Oh, and she was
talking to this really cute boy.
Ooh! His waves made us seasick.
Girl, if you don't shut up
Well, I better go.
See you tomorrow, Sash.
[sighs] Look, Dad,
I know you're probably gonna
put me on punishment again,
but here's my phone,
I'll go get my Mac, my iPad,
whatever you want.
- You know what, Sash?
- [Sasha] Come on.
Normally I would have
went James Evans on you.
[imitating James Evans]
Florida, now, I'm tired now!
[in normal voice]
But instead I'mma do Floyd.
[hesitating] First of all,
I'm just happy you here.
I'm happy I'm happy you safe.
I'm glad you made it home.
So just go upstairs
and we'll discuss it in the morning.
- Okay. Good night, Dad.
- [in normal voice] Good night, loved one.
- [Sasha] Night, Pops.
- Good night.
What kind of punk-ass parenting is that?
Hey Oh, got it.
Hey, Sash, you forgot your
Am I the type of daddy that will
go through his daughter's backpack?
No, but I'm the
type of granddaddy that would.
A fake ID.
Fake ID? Who in the hell is Tori Mitchell?
Your daughter got a fake ID?
That girl is into some shit.
I hope Floyd wrote a chapter on that.
Stick and move!
[grunting]
Uh, you know what? Maybe she was
just trying to get a beer or something.
She's a good girl.
Bullshit. Now, this is one of two things.
- It's either guns or drugs.
- Oh, come on.
Now, she's either shooting or shooting up,
or she's on that pole.
- Pole?
- You know what I'm talking about.
- She's riding that pole. [grunting]
- Oh, come on, man.
[shushes] She's gonna hear us.
- You know they get paranoid on that shit.
- Mmm-hmm.
Listen. Guys, you
All of y'all are trippin'.
It's not like
she's ever done anything illegal.
Well, if she comes down
these stairs looking for snacks,
- you got yourself a real problem.
- [Chelsea] Hmm.
Good morning, everyone.
Actually, it's not morning.
It's 2:00 p.m. You're just waking up?
Yeah, I know.
I'm just headed to the store.
Oh, nice. For what?
Chili Cheese Fritos,
Ding Dongs, pretzels and a pickle.
[all] Hmm.
Snacks!
Looks like you got
a classic case of the munchies.
What are you gonna wash it down with?
I was thinking maybe an iced tea.
[all] Hmm.
It wouldn't happen to be
from Long Island, would it?
No, I think it's from Arizona.
[all] Hmm!
Uh
Okay Bye.
No, you guys got it all wrong.
No, we got it all right.
I know when somebody's
hooked on that booger sugar.
- [scoffs]
- Guys, turn on FOX 5.
Why?
It's the worst moment
of my life, on national TV.
Actually, FOX 5 is a local channel.
[reporter] We've heard about
the Cowardly Lion,
but what about the Cowardly Cop?
The community of Norcross is shaken up
after a convenience store
was robbed last night,
where it was revealed that an off-duty cop
failed to stop the suspect.
At first, I was like, "Cool, cool, cool!"
"There's an off-duty cop in here!"
But then I was like,
"Oh, snap! He's a bigger bitch than I am!"
Hey, special shout-out to my mama.
I'mma call you later, okay?
Can you believe this?
How am I the only cop
in trouble for not shooting someone?
Listen, you're gonna be all right,
but we got other trouble.
Take a look at this.
Who's Tori Mitchell?
"Who's Tori Mitchell?"
Exactly, Paul Blart.
It's a fake ID.
And if Sasha has a fake ID,
that means Zia has one as well.
This could be really bad.
We gotta find out
what's going on with her.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- [Chelsea] Huh?
There's only one way to find out
what's going on with Sasha
if that even is her real name.
- Waterboarding?
- No.
A full-panel drug test.
Get me some of her hair,
I'll get it to my guy in the lab.
You better do it quick 'cause
[all] You about to lose your job.
[Brian]
Hey, hey ♪
[door creaking]
[door creaking]
- [toy squeaking]
- [gasps]
[Brian] What the freak?
[sighs]
That's too much.
[laughing]
Jaden Smith, you so smooth.
- [trash can rattles]
- [grunts]
[whispering] Ain't this a bitch?
[door creaking]
[gasps]
I got good news and bad news.
What do you want first?
What's up?
The bad news
is the whole Cowardly Cop thing
- has really blown up.
- Okay.
The Shade Room picked up the story.
Hey, man, look, I'm sorry about that,
but could you forward that to me?
[clicks tongue]
I'm just messing with you.
How you feeling? You okay?
Actually yeah.
You know,
I'm glad I didn't shoot that guy.
I've been on the force for ten years,
but I'm basically a desk cop.
I've never discharged my weapon,
except for at the firing range.
Well, maybe you haven't fired your weapon,
but they sure gonna fire your ass, hmm.
They're not gonna fire me,
but they are investigating the incident.
- You want the good news?
- What's the good news?
We got Sasha's test results back.
I knew it! She's not Brian's.
They got the same big-ass head,
but she's way smarter than him.
No! We got back
the hair toxicology report.
She tested positive!
[exclaims]
Johnny, that's not good.
Positive ain't good.
Oh.
Then I guess it's two bad newseses.
So, what did they find?
Cocaine? Heroin? MDMA? Marijuana?
Vicodin? And wine coolers?
My baby's a junkie!
Yeah, them wine coolers will kill you.
Listen. Because you know
what she's gonna do.
She's gonna deny, deny, deny.
But we are prepared for it.
Oh, are we playing Duck, Duck, Goose?
[all] God damn it.
Can I be the goose?
[imperceptible]
Here she is.
Hey. What's everyone doing?
Hi, my Sasha. Honey, come here.
Hey.
[voice breaking] Give me a hug.
You you can let go now.
[imitating Tangina Barrons]
This child is clean.
- [in normal voice] Now, sit down.
- Okay.
[chuckles] Dad, what What's going on?
You tell me, Sash.
I just want to let you know something.
[imitating Michael Corleone]
I knew it was you, Sash.
You broke my heart.
Okay
Aunt Chelsea, maybe you can explain?
This is what we call
An intervention.
Oh, is this about
how much I'm on my phone?
Please don't take my phone away again.
It's not just your phone you're on.
[in normal voice] I've seen it
in the movies, like New Jack City.
Mmm-hmm, but I never thought
it would happen in my own house.
I am disappointed in you.
What are you talking about?
[clears throat]
"Sasha, when I was your age,
I did some shit."
- [Brian] Hmm.
- [chuckles] Them two know I did some shit.
[sighs] "But you are my niece,
and you can't be doing this to yourself."
- I love you so much.
- [Pops] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I love you.
- We all love you.
- You don't get it
- [in Spanish] Manny, turn on the light!
[in English] Now, look here.
You ain't gonna run
your little game on me,
'cause I'm not your daddy.
This OG Pops you're talking to,
and I know about them streets.
I been running all up
in them bad boys since 1967.
I understand the young people of today.
I'm in your generation.
You out there hip-hopping
and cabbage-patching, doing the Dougie!
Who's your supplier?
I think my family's on drugs.
Uh, okay, I don't know
what y'all are talking about,
but I'm just gonna go to my room.
Oh, no, sweetie.
This is for your own good.
- What?
- Yes, down there.
Pops, read what you have prepared,
'cause you're
the patriarch of this family.
[Pops breathing deeply]
[voice breaking]
I just wanna tell you, baby girl
[coughs] Um
[sniffles] Uh
"Need two egg rolls,
Kung Pao chicken, brown rice"
Damn it, this is the wrong piece of paper.
I'm just gonna do it off the dome.
Get your life together!
And none of my stuff
better not come up missing!
All right, Zia, you're up.
Okay.
Duck. Duck.
[chuckles] Goose!
That's her supplier, right there.
Brian, I need to talk to you.
Sash God bless you.
So I got good news and bad news.
The bad news is I've been
suspended from the force
by the chief
for the whole Cowardly Cop thing.
But the good news is Sasha's
as clean as the Board of Health.
- What?
- Yeah, turns out some of the guys
at the lab were playing a trick on me
for the Cowardly Cop thing.
So she ain't on nothing?
[laughing]
Oh, boy! Oh. We love to play games
and charades and stuff like that.
Uh, look,
hated to waste everybody's Saturday.
How about we go to dinner, on me, hmm?
So she ain't on that shit?
What I'm not on anything.
What did you guys think?
We thought you was on drugs.
Are you serious?
It's my fault.
I went through
your backpack and I found your fake ID,
and I did
what any thoughtful father would do.
I took a little bit of your hair,
gave it to my cop friend
and he ran a toxicology report.
I got that fake ID so that I could vote.
Look, I know that it's wrong
but I want to see change.
[exclaims] That's some bullshit.
Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Okay, fine. I also bought one beer.
- [Pops] Hmm.
No big deal.
She bought a beer,
there was a little voter fraud, okay?
It's all good.
Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
I am disgusted by all of you. Hmm?
I think I left the weed whacker on.
I would expect
something like this from my dad
'cause he's always
embarrassing me, but you, Aunt Chels?
- I'm sorry.
- And you, Pops?
Here I was
thinking I was your little angel.
Baby, we thought
you was on that Blue Magic,
eating up everything in the house
and dressing like Eddie King Jr.
Like who?
Well Look, I think
this worked out for everybody.
I see Manny needs me
to help him with the weed
Uh-uh, you ain't getting out of this.
Hold it right there.
I don't know what in your right mind
would make you think
for even a second that I would
be dumb enough to get caught up
in some nonsense like drugs.
I didn't even make it
past the first episode of Breaking Bad.
Look, Sash, we was just worried. I mean
No. It's my turn to talk.
[scoffs] You know, I don't know
what kind of daughter
you think that you're raising,
and I don't know
where you get some stupid idea from.
I'm gonna go help
Manny with the weed whacker,
but I'mma use the front door.
Let's Sash, babe, we're trying to
No, no, no, no. It's my turn to talk.
Embarrassing me at yoga?
You even took me to a sex therapist!
- What?
- You took that girl to a sex
It's a long story.
Interesting, though, but a long one.
[sighs] And despite all that,
I still find it in my heart to love you.
[wailing]
Daddy, after all of this,
I still find it in my heart to love you.
[wailing]
See, Dad? I told you
my fake ID would come in handy.
Yes, and it's the last time
you'll be using this thing.
- [sighs]
- Let me get a velvet chocolate sprinkle
Armani flowered martini, thank you.
That is a bitch drink
if I ever heard of one.
Bring us two bourbons
and set them bitches on fire.
Johnny looks nervous.
I hope he don't choke.
[announcer] Okay, just a reminder,
the kitchen is about to close,
so don't forget to order
your chicken basket.
Now, back to your host
with the most on his plate
and in his belly, Quickie Jenkins!
[all cheering]
Whose house?
Quickie's house!
Damn right.
All right, now it's time to bring up
our last comic on New Booty Night.
You may have seen him
on TV as the Cowardly Cop,
or maybe at your local 7-Eleven
playing possum.
[crowd exclaiming]
Put your hands together
and show some love,
or not, for Johnny Williams.
[cheering]
Go, Dad!
- Yeah.
- [indistinct shouting]
- Hey, everybody.
- Come on, J.
So. um [clicks tongue]
A Black guy, a white guy and a Latino guy
walk into a convenience store.
Let me guess, the white guy
got scared by a bag of chips? [laughs]
Uh-uh. Don't let him punk you out
like this. Dad, you got this!
No, you don't. No, you don't. [laughs]
- [Brian] Come on, J.
- [Zia] You got this.
- Come on.
- He's freezing up.
He's freezing like a Stouffer's TV dinner.
[Zia] Come on, Dad. You got this.
Yo, J, go Jason Statham on him.
[imperceptible]
[imitating Jason Statham]
All right, you bloody geezer.
Yes!
Yes!
I'm gonna tell you something right now.
You need to unbutton that vest,
because I can hear your buttons
screaming from here, you fat gopher.
[audience exclaiming]
J! J, J, J! Hit him with the Obama!
[imitating Barack Obama]
Uh, let me be clear.
Uh
You, uh, look
like that little blueberry girl
from the Willy Wonka movie in that suit.
- Yo! That's what I'm talking
- [Sasha] Keep going!
Yo, what would Seth Rogen say to him?
[laughing]
[imitating Seth Rogen] I, uh
I am, uh I am so stoned right now,
but, uh, I would love
to take, uh, a rest on you,
'cause you look like a beanbag chair.
[crowd laughing]
Johnny, do Bernie Mac!
[Chelsea] Oh, my God.
[imitating Bernie Mac]
Listen, son of a bitch.
[speaking gibberish] I tell you
Look, it's the sandman.
I tell you a thing about
[speaking gibberish]
[in normal voice] That's my time.
I'm Johnny Williams. Thank you!
[crowd cheering and whistling]
- [Pops] Johnny!
- [Sasha] That was
J, you killed that, man.
I mean, you killed it.
What you like better,
being a cop or a comedian?
Man, for the first time in my life,
I feel like I was doing
what I was supposed to be doing, you know?
Finally people were laughing with me
and not at me.
- Hey, a toast. A toast to new beginnings.
- Yes.
[Chelsea] Yes. New beginnings!
- New beginnings!
- [all cheering]
Put that down or it'll be an ending.
All right. Johnny! Johnny!
[all chanting] Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!