Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

Hey, I just had a great idea for the campaign.
Start paying me? No.
We should have a symbol.
Something that says we're sweeping in change.
Cleaning up city hall.
So Not a broom.
Why not? It's a classic.
It's a cliche.
Come on.
What about a mop? Still a type of cleaning stick.
People will just wonder why we didn't go with broom.
Bicycle? Too lefty.
Scooter? Nah, too wimpy.
Fighter jet? Ooh, I like fighter jet.
On the downside, they are used to kill people.
Oh, maybe we should avoid things that can kill people.
Yeah.
Wow.
There are a lot of things that kill people.
Beach ball? How do you kill someone with a beach ball? No, I was trying to stay off the killing thing.
Right.
Deflate it and smother them with it like a bag.
I was thinking make the guy swallow it, then when it's inside his neck, instantly inflate it.
How would you instantly inflate it? Oh, yeah, you're right.
There's got to be something, though.
Not beach ball, not death A broom? I like it.
Where are you going? Press conference.
I'm going to announce my campaign's new symbol.
Hey, you found the broom.
So, what's the symbol? The broom's the symbol.
I don't get it.
Well, you know, cleaning up the city.
Sweeping in change.
Nice.
So, what do you need the broom for? Never mind.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Danno, you can't keep popping in and out like this.
I need some reliability here.
I'm reliable.
I'm like a broom.
And I need the broom.
I'll be so glad when these are over.
I think the marriage classes are kind of neat.
Getting to know each other, exploring our relationship.
Yeah, those things and "neat" don't really sync up for me.
Well, this is our last one.
Just our solo sessions and then we're done.
Yes! I mean, I get to talk to Reverend Taylor solo.
I'm pumped! While I've really enjoyed the sessions with you and Mike, this is a chance for us to be more informal, one on one.
So if you have any deep, dark secrets, this is the time.
Ha, dark secrets? Nope.
Nope.
Good.
I mean, Mike and I argue sometimes.
Well, that's normal.
We both like the same things.
He likes letting me do my thing and I like letting him do his thing.
But not together.
So we have that in common.
I've never actually been physically attracted to Mike.
And does he ask me about my work? No.
I'm just starting to feel trapped, you know, like I made a horrible mistake and I can't get out.
He lives in his world, I live in mine.
I'm turning into someone I don't like.
It's a disaster that's going to ruin everything.
(Crying and sniffling) Oh, wow.
(Laughing) That felt good.
That's normal right? Those kind of feelings? Just kind of get them out of the old system.
(Laughing) I don't think you should get married.
I really don't think you should get married.
(Exhaling) Hey, how'd it go? You were right.
That guy's an idiot.
No way we're getting married here.
Huh? We should do it at the golf club like you suggested.
I did? What? Six months ago.
You said golf club instead of church.
I think I said either.
Golf club's going to be great.
Our special day.
Smell of fresh-cut lawns.
Birds chirping.
Lots of fun.
But we've already sent out the invitations.
We've talked to the-- Special day.
Fresh-cut lawns.
Lots of fun.
But-- Lots of fun.
Hey, where's Danno? I don't know.
Isn't he supposed to be here? I have no idea.
Look at this place, it's out of control.
I guess so.
That does it.
Charlie, you're the new head bartender.
We have a head bartender? I don't know, guess so.
Congrats, kiddo.
Here's the swipe key to the cash.
I already have one.
Yeah, but this one's on a stretchy bracelet.
Don't screw this up.
Oh, you made it.
Good.
Oh, hi, Brianna.
Hey, there.
Nice crowd.
Yeah, where'd you get them all? We have a lot of support.
No, really, where are they from? Poached them from the pipes of pan guy.
(Playing) Hey, Zamphir, lay off the pipes.
We had a deal.
You bribed him? Discount on photocopying.
What kind of copies does a pan flute guy need? Oh, I can't tell you.
That would violate photocopy guy-client privilege.
Mostly Simon and Garfunkel sheet music.
Oh.
All right, let's do this.
And some tax stuff.
Where's the broom? What broom? I thought you had the broom.
There's a broom? I told you to bring it.
You don't have the broom? Oh, this whole speech is about setting up our symbol.
I need a symbol.
I can check my car for something, but And with this ice scraper, I will clear Wessex's windshield of red tape so we can all see the road ahead and whenever necessary I will also use this back brush part.
It was either that or the tire iron.
Yeah, go for it.
I'm done.
And with this broom, I will sweep out the old way of doing business.
Clean up our parks, our streets and our city.
Unbelievable.
You know what? It's a cliche.
It'll never fly.
Now I get it.
It's like a broom.
Okay, Dan, so I made up a schedule and right now I need you to do up the liquor order and then clean the keg lines.
What? What's this? You did tell him, didn't you? Tell me what? That Charlie's the new head bartender.
No, you didn't tell me that.
Sure I did.
Remember? It was in that dream I had.
Oh.
It was a good dream too.
I'm standing on a mountain, fire for hands, I see my grade 4 teacher.
Well, what am I telling you for? You were there.
Sorry.
I thought he told you in the waking world.
Well, I better get busy.
I hope this doesn't change things between us.
Other than that I'm your boss and you have to do what I say.
So I called the golf club about the soup.
MIKE: Yeah.
And it's fine.
They can do pumpkin squash.
Then she says to me, "That's because they're doing it for the other wedding.
" That's great.
About the soup.
You're not listening.
There's another wedding that night in the Brigadoon Room.
We're in the Arbour Glen right beside it.
But there's enough soup, right? It's not about the soup.
I don't want to share our special night with another wedding.
Oh.
So we change nights? No, we can't do that.
We switch rooms? Don't be ridiculous.
We do it outside, under a tent.
Oh.
But we need a hundred guests before they'll do a tent.
So we need to invite 15 more people.
What is the name of that couple down the street that you sometimes say hi to? Do we have to do this right now? No we can do it after the movie.
Okay.
Good.
(Clearing throat) Is the movie almost over? So now you're part-time at the bar? This is a major campaign setback.
Why? Now I'll be available more.
Exactly.
Look, this is our symbol now.
We've got to make the ice scraper work for us.
I'm going to pitch something, Dan, and it's something I hear myself say a lot: why don't we walk away from the bad idea? We just need a big photo op to sell it.
You know, Dan Phillips.
Scraping for Change.
Well, maybe not those exact words.
Fine, I'll try to set something up.
But whatever we're doing, don't tell Brianna about it.
Why not? She sees us screw up with the broom and the next minute her aunt does a broom thing? You think she told Anita? What, you think it's a coincidence that she just shows up at a rally with a broom? Nah, anyone can get a broom.
We couldn't.
Hm.
Look, the fact that you and Brianna are going out is not making my job easier.
Well, it's not making my job easier that you handed me an ice scraper instead of something cool like a sword.
Sorry, we keep the sword in my wife's car.
Look at this.
It's killing us.
Why didn't we come up with this sort of thing? Sweep out the old.
You are the old.
You're the thing she's going to sweep out.
Well, then I'll just sweep new things into city hall.
You can't.
You're already inside city hall.
Sure you can.
You just sweep it onto yourself.
Alan Duffy: Sweeping the new onto himself.
Yeah.
Hey, can I ask you a personal question? When did you meet your wife? Oh.
We met in grade 9.
We were in band together.
We both played flute.
In fact, we still play together in a fun little jazz band called Tooty Flutey.
That's sweet.
Did you ever have any second thoughts? Oh, Claire, of course.
It's only natural.
I thought about playing French horn for a while, but it's heavy-- I meant about the marriage.
Are you kidding? No.
Never.
God, no.
Oh.
It's been over 30 years, we've never been more in love than we are today.
Oh, that's great.
Never a doubt in my mind.
Nice.
She's the person who completes me.
I really-- Never a doubt in my mind.
All right, let's get you a broom or something.
Nice.
ANITA: Looks good.
Check out who's on page 3.
ANITA: "Pipe Performance Delayed.
" Look at him with his putty knife.
I thought it was a snow brush.
Ice scraper.
Well, they're both stupid.
Broom's a classic.
And don't say anything bad about Dan.
That's Brianna's boyfriend.
Oh, he's not really my boyfriend.
Dan? This Dan? Yeah, putty knife.
Ice scraper, and we went on a few dates, that's all.
Well, what's more fun than dating an underachieving bartender who peaked in high school? That's not fair.
We don't know when he peaked.
Or if he'll ever peak.
I have to go put tags on dishwashers, because they're not going to tag themselves.
You think that's going to happen? Wake up.
Say hi to Ice Pick for us.
Scraper.
Hey, how's things with the big groom-a-rino? Who? Groom-a-rino.
Groom-a-rooni? You.
Ah, I'm okay.
Just, you know, the wedding.
I hear you.
You want to sow your wild oats before the big day.
No.
Claire's just going a little crazy with the details.
And that's making you attracted to other women.
No.
She wants to move the wedding from the church to the golf club and now I think maybe a tent.
And you don't want to admit it, but it's turning you on.
Is there anyone else around here I could talk to? The big ice scraper photo op's a dollar store? The grand opening of a dollar store.
And actually, it's a Dollar and Up.
Some things cost more than a dollar.
So everything costs a dollar or more than a dollar.
Isn't that just called a store? They're big supporters.
Th w wanted you here.
So you offered them Free copying, yeah.
And here today to help us open our store is This isn't right, is it? Yeah.
Dan Phillips.
Mayoral candidate, apparently.
Thank you.
(Clearing throat) Thank you.
Thank you.
And fans of household items costing a dollar and up.
Oh, actually, I won't be needing those because, like this ice scraper, I scrape through ribbons.
I scrape into action.
I scrape for the future.
Please, please.
Come in.
All vases half price.
Hey, do you mind? No, of course not.
Yeah, we cracked a vase last week, so I scrape with optimism! Fern's a piece of work, eh? I was just trying to tell him something and he kind of creeped me out.
Yeah, it's the job.
I see it now that I'm on this side of the bar.
People come in here with all kinds of stories and you've got nowhere to go.
That must be hard.
Pressure gets to you after a while.
Right.
Kind of like how the pressure of the wedding's getting to Claire.
Right.
Like that.
It's like this whole wedding thing has made her a whole new person.
Exactly.
You get it, so-- Like yesterday, I'm trying to watch a movie.
Uh-huh.
And Claire sits down and starts going on about the go c club.
Do you want the bill? And how there's going to be another wedding at the same time.
And I'm trying to watch the movie.
But she settles in and just will not shut up.
Yeah.
First it's the Brigadoon Room, then Arbour Glen (TV volume increasing) and you have to understand, like, this is one of my favourite movies of all time.
I really like-- That's loud.
Okay, even though I think it's a stupid idea, I lined up an ice scraper rally for us downtown.
Great.
Even though I think it's a stupid idea.
No, let's do it.
Maybe we should drop the ice scraper thing.
No, that sends the wrong signal.
That we learn from our mistakes? No, that we don't commit.
But it's supposed to be freezing tomorrow.
Can't we commit on a warmer day? No, we got to do this.
Fine.
But let's keep this one under wraps, okay? For once I'd like the other campaigns not to know everything we're doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll keep it top secret.
See you.
(Hanging up phone) Who's that? Jeff.
We're doing the ice scraper thing downtown tomorrow.
Oh, another photo op, huh? Someone told me you helped open a dollar store.
Yeah.
The good news is they can use the ribbon again if they open another one.
(Laughing) Listen, I've been thinking, maybe seeing each other while the election's on isn't going to help either of us.
What? Did someone say something to you? No, no, not one person.
I mean, I just get the sense that Jeff isn't that keen on me.
Oh, no, that's crazy.
He thinks you're great.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, if anyone was against us, I thought it'd be your aunt.
No.
You mean nothing to her.
Still Yeah, I mean I guess if we weren't seeing each other, your aunt would be happier.
And Jeff too, probably.
I'm sure they'd prefer we-- Cut it short.
We should stop.
It's wrong.
It's forbidden.
Mm-HM.
What they don't know won't hurt them.
Yeah, it's their fault.
I mean, if they don't want us to do something, they shouldn't tell us not to do it.
Mm-HM.
Did you know it would be this cold? Yeah, radio said it would be like this for a couple days.
It's like a monsoon winter.
I don't know, I'm not a weatherman.
By the way, I broke it off with Brianna.
Really? Yeah, you were right.
And I was wrong.
So wrong.
Naughty.
Well, that is a load off my mind.
You want to call this off too? Nah, we might as well do it.
Hand me the thing.
We've settled for too long, and that's why I say it's time we brought some honesty to city hall and got rid of all the layers of corruption.
And I will do that with my ice scraper.
Yeah.
Ice scraper.
MAN: Yeah! Ice scrapers do scrape things.
I used mine this morning.
I Li t this guy.
Ice scraper! (All cheering and applauding) Hey, I don't know why it didn't strike me before.
Ice scraper.
That's a good symbol.
Oh, thanks, man.
It's powerful, you know? It scrapes things.
Well done, Dan.
See? When you commit, good things happen.
Ah, when you commit and there's a freak weather occurrence, good things happen.
Mine would make a better inspirational poster.
Yo, Charlie, I need those time sheets today.
Oh, what? Time sheets.
The head bartender has to fill out the time sheets.
Do I get paid more for all of this? I'm not going to insult you by making it about money.
MIKE: Charlie.
Sorry I'm late.
For what? You know, us talking.
You mean you talking.
I'm a little busy today, so But I thought we made some real progress last session.
Fern! Dan's ice scraper thing played huge this morning.
I know.
Before it seemed stupid, but now it seems like a really good idea for some reason.
Don't worry.
We got our secret weapon.
You sure you want to do this? Can't lose.
And with this vacuum, I will clean up city hall.
I will go back and forth over problems until they are aspirated and disposed of.
Off the carpet, on the carpet, I'm your man.
So it's like a broom.
Well, it's better than a broom because it Sucks? No.
Hoovers? No.
Has a bag in it? It's like a broom.
Don't want to talk to this guy.
Switch spots with me.
No can do, kiddo.
Uneasy lies the wrist that holds the swipe key.
So now the wedding's outside.
Which means what? We're going to eat in a tent? You're never supposed to eat in a tent.
Rule number one.
It attracts bears.
Am I right? I don't want to be head bartender anymore.
You can have your job back.
I was head bartender? Cool.
Please.
Oh, I don't know.
It's not so easy, is it? You want to do it or not? All right.
Give me the bracelet.
Oh, Mike needs a refill.
And I bring up the bears to Claire and she just pretends she doesn't hear me.
I tell you, Claire just doesn't seem the same, ever since the engagement party.
Yeah, who knows, right? Well, maybe you do.
We broke up a long time ago.
I'm seeing Well, I'm seeing nobody right now, because that would be wrong.
So bad.
You got to tell me.
When you dated Claire, was she always flip-floppy? Flip-floppy? Yeah.
Unsure of herself, you know.
Church one minute, golf club the next.
Tent.
Soup.
She's all over the map.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
I mean, no, no.
She always knew what she wanted.
Huh.
And it turned out that it wasn't me.
Thanks.
Oh, I thought this was a grand slam.
It cleans, it's powerful, it h a a nozzle.
I'm not sure vacuums are a symbol of the people.
Maybe a different vacuum.
No, you can change the details all you want, but if something's a bad idea it's still a bad idea.
I got it.
How about this for a campaign symbol: a Swiffer.
It's still not going to work.
None of this is going to work.
No to the Swiffer? We should talk.
I've been thinking too.
There's been a lot of tension the last little while.
And I've been feeling really boxed in.
Me t.
.
It doesn't matter if the invitations have been sent out or what other people think.
Exactly.
We have to do what's right.
And the wedding, at the church or the golf course, just isn't right.
I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
And that's why we should-- Call the whole thing off.
Walk away.
We are not right for each other.
Not even a little bit.
(Laughing) I was going to say, elope.
Oh.
Lose the stress and get married on our own because we love each other.
Wow.
I really wish I'd let you finish.
Please, allow me and the symbol of my campaign.
Oh, this is useless.
That is the perfect symbol of your campaign.
Hey, Charlie, you got those time sheets? That's Dan's department.
He's head bartender again.
Since when? Didn't I tell you? No.
Yeah, sure I did.
Remember, in that dream? You know, where you're playing guitar on a giant lobster.
Kind of rings a bell.
And didn't the giant lobster tell you to give the bartenders a raise? No, I woke up before that.
Oh.