Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e07 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # Bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! I only hope that Darkwing Duck received our signal.
I'm sure his unique brand of logic and deduction will shed some light on this case.
But, sir, I must detest.
He is not even an agent of SHUSH.
He has absolutely no respect for proper procedures.
He is completely unpredictable.
(Darkwing) Precisely why the criminal element fears me.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the combination lock on the vaults of justice.
I am Darkwing Duck! (coughs) Thank you for coming, Darkwing.
We're in a spot of trouble here.
Looks like another bank has been cleaned out - and I do mean clean.
Of course, disorderly minds such as yours do not understand the concept of cleanliness.
J.
Gander seems to like my disorderly mind.
Could it be that your by-the-book brain has come up blank again? - Ohh! - Ohh! Gentlemen.
Some fiend has rubbed out the entire nation's economy, literally.
This paper was once worth $10,000.
Now, without the ink, it's worthless.
Without printed money, the economy will self-destruct.
The country will be ripe for the plucking.
As Chief Agent Grizzlikof has been unsuccessful in his investigations, I thought it was time to employ your unique methods.
Probably tired of counting on a predictable paper-pusher.
I'm sure you understand the urgency.
Time is of the essence.
No problem.
I'll get right on it.
Uhh.
Darkwing Duck is on the job.
Gee, DW.
You're taking chances teasing old Grizzly.
That guy picks his teeth with a crowbar.
Forget that boneheaded bruin.
Grizzlikof can't see past the fine print in the SHUSH field manual.
I'll always be top duck in J.
Gander's book.
And that's the only book that counts.
(Hooter) Agent Grizzlikof, have you seen my briefcase? Hmm.
Cleaning crew coming through.
Please, I have some urgent matters to attend to.
(vacuum whirring) It's really of the utmost importance.
You go right ahead, Director Hooter.
I'll be through in a jiffy.
You won't even know I'm here.
Madam, that's quite enough.
You will leave immediately.
All right, just as soon as I take out the trash.
Turn it off! Whoa! (coughs) Let me out! You'll pay for this! Do you have a progress report on your mission.
Agent Pine? Ha! Sure do.
It's in the bag.
(cackles) With SHUSH off my tail and all the money scrubbed, the banks will go down the drain like scum in a bathtub.
(laughs) Then our economic experts will move in to mop up.
Ha! I couldn't put it better myself, High Command.
Pine out.
- You'll hear from official circles on this - Keep it down, windfall.
# I got some heavy-duty scrubbin' to do (cackling) (Darkwing) I am the icky bug that crawls up your trouser leg.
I don't need an appointment.
For I am Darkwing Duck! - (woman coughs) - Um Sorry about the smoke.
Once again you ignore procedures in favor of cheap theatrics.
It's what I do best.
Say, fuzzy, should you be sitting in J.
Gander's desk? I wouldn't think your precious rule book would allow that sort of thing.
For the moment, it is my desk.
- What are you talking about? - Director Hooter has been kidnapped.
Wastebasket sparkling, desk completely dust-free.
Microscopic scuff marks indicate the use of a vacuum apparatus.
(gasps) Hooter has been Hoovered! Obviously by the villain who's behind the money-laundering scheme.
I'll get on it.
No! There will be no Darkwing Disaster chasing after wild hunches this time.
Don't give me that.
J.
Gander put me on the case himself.
An oversight.
The SHUSH manual states no civilian is to be used as an agent unless he has passed the standard proficiency test.
If you wish to work on this case, you will go by the book.
(crash) And that's the only book that counts.
This looks bad, DW.
No pictures! I don't need it anyway.
No book can match the experiences I've lived through.
Perhaps we should begin.
The point of this obstinate course is to get to the other side alive.
Ha! Child's play.
This isn't half as dangerous as visiting my barber.
Ha! Is that the best you can do, Grizzlikof? (deep voice) I guess not.
So, he wants to play nasty, eh? Well, I'll show him how tough I am, even by the book! The next task will be an underwater endurance test.
(over PA) Retrieve the microfilm from the bottom of the pool.
With my knowledge of Micronesian breath control? No problem.
(hyperventilating) (snarling) (yelps) Back, back, or I'll make a pair of shoes out of you.
(gasps) - That was close.
- Hey.
Closer than you know.
- (crocodile) Ahem.
- Ow! You have done better than I expectorated.
Your final test is a simple one.
Really? What am I supposed to do? Pole-vault a skyscraper? Juggle a battleship? Play kazoo with the philharmonic? Just survive.
Good luck, DW.
So, uh, when does the test begin? Perhaps I am being too soft.
Darkwing Duck emerges once again, singed, but triumphant.
Singed, but tri Singed, but Sin Uh-oh.
I better get a dustpan.
Ha! And Grizzlikof didn't think I could qualify as an agent.
He thought his little test would stop me.
But he didn't know that Darkwing Duck is made of iron, with nerves of steel, impervious to pain.
- That's the old DW.
- Yeow! That hurts! Don't do that.
I mean, ahem, let's get on with the case.
According to the manual, we're supposed to fill out a destination disclosure form - before leaving headquarters.
- How hard can a simple little form be? This is worse than the obstacle course.
I can't believe these SHUSH forms.
Sorry, DW.
Those are just the forms for permission to fill out these forms.
- Sleeping on SHUSH time? - No.
Just going over the fine print.
Because you have passed all the required tests, - I am forced to assign you to the mission.
- Ha! It's about time.
Let's get dangerous.
No! There will be no getting dangerous.
You will follow those orders or be off the mission.
Fine, then we'll try it your way.
(gasps) (Darkwing) I've seen more danger in a day-care center.
This whole thing stinks.
What did you expect? This is a diaper truck.
I should be running this operation.
Not wasting my time baby-sitting a bank in a diaper truck.
(sucks) I don't know.
I find it kind of relaxing.
(tires squeal) Here we go.
Time to remove a little ring-around-the-dollar.
(Darkwing) Of course.
I should have known.
- It's Ammonia Pine.
- Who? (DW) She was a cleaning lady at a research lab, until an accident with an experimental bathroom disinfectant.
The fumes twisted her into the Mrs.
Hyde of the cleaning world.
Now she scrubs for FOWL.
Let's move.
Wait, DW.
Says here in the manual we're supposed to call headquarters first.
What? So I can spend the night filling out forms? This is our chance to rescue J.
Gander.
I say it's time to put Ammonia through the rinse cycle.
Oops.
Darkwing Duck.
Eh, just one more stubborn stain to wipe out.
Eat soap, hero.
(both sputter) Oh, yeah? - Well, suck gas, evildoer.
- (Ammonia cackles) Now there's an impressive weapon.
(yawns) Well, time to turn in.
(snoring) Here, honey.
Let me show ya some real firepower.
(cackles) Well, I guess that proves hot air rises.
Come on, LP.
Rise and shine! H-huh? Hey.
- What are we doin' up here? - Don't you get it? We're trapped.
Our only hope is that this bubble doesn't pop before we reach the river.
No problemo.
This baby seems plenty strong.
- (pop) - Whoops.
(both screaming) (both screaming) Grab on, Launchpad.
- We're too heavy! - I'll try to steer for the river.
(fabric tearing) (gulps) - (both) Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa! - (Launchpad) Whoa! (both) Ahh! (Launchpad) That wasn't so bad.
Nothing like a steel-belted radio when you need to stop.
(squeaking) Uh Not one word.
Just get me out.
I don't know.
Maybe we should get the opinion of a chiropractor.
Or at least a plumber.
(tires squeal) What kind of bubble brains do you have for agents anyway? Don't they realize I could scrub you out like a bathtub ring? My agents have orders to do whatever is necessary to bring you to justice.
Look, hon.
If I can't use you as a hostage, then you're just one more little stain waitin' to be wiped out.
You're quite mad, you know.
Maybe.
But I'm tidy.
(cackles) (Grizzlikof) If not for you, Director Hooter would be safe and Ammonia Pine would be under arrest.
You will look me in the eye when I am speaking to you.
(coughs) There wasn't time.
Besides, I'm used to working alone, not with a bunch of SHUSH gorillas.
Then you will be happy to learn it will no longer be a problem.
Finally.
I'm exterminating your present and future association with SHUSH.
If you interfere with this case in any way, you will be sent for prison! Have a nice day.
Like it really hurts, being kicked out of the SHUSH goon squad.
Helping them out was always a pain anyway.
But we didn't even get a goin'-away party.
If J.
Gander wasn't in danger, I'd just walk away from the whole mess.
(sighs) If only I knew where to start.
(blowing) (whimpering) Launchpad, there's a bill on your bill.
It's money! More precisely, the ink from money.
Launchpad, where did you get this rag? Uh Uh The city dump, after our crash-landing.
Then that's our first stop.
They should know where it came from.
Now, let's get dangerous.
No doubt about it, this is Ammonia's hideout.
(High Command) Congratulations.
Pine.
Now that you're finished cleaning out that sector.
we can begin taking control of the banks and financial institutions.
Thanks, High Command.
But what about old sourpuss Hooter? He is entirely at your disposal for disposal.
Consider it a perk.
This mud-wringer used to be on the roof, a symbol of cleanliness to inspire the city.
The fools junked it when they modernized the factory.
But I saved it, even made it work.
It's just the thing to squeeze out unwanted sludge.
(grunts) Oh, just relax and enjoy the show.
It's wash time.
All right, Launchpad.
Time for our patented Darkwing Duck nerve-racking entrance.
- Smoke bomb ready? - Check and double-check, DW.
Then let's get danger Whoa! I warned you not to interfere, Duck.
Now you are going to prison.
There's no time for this nonsense.
J.
Gander is A good agent always has time to do it by the book.
(muffled speech) (muffled speech) J.
Gander's down there, you dope.
(growls) If this is one of your tricks I will (muffled speech) - (muffled speech) - (sighs) Nice of you to drop in, Agent Grizzlikof.
(muffled) I'm sorry.
Sorry, gents.
My work's done here so there's nothing left to do, except mop up.
(cackles) I gotta go, but maybe you can give me a "wring" sometime! - (cackles) - (wringer stops) (Darkwing) I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the pin that will burst your bubble.
I am Darkwing Duck! And this time, we're ready for your sinister suds.
Ooh! I guess I'd really be stumped if I was going to soap you again.
But I've been looking for a chance to use my new toy.
Suck air, dust bunnies! (cackles) (both) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! This is just like my first flight.
In fact, all my flights.
Whoa! Oof! The SHUSH manual can't help us now.
No.
For once, it's going to be a lot of help.
The air's got nowhere to go.
I've gotta pull the plug.
What? What have you done? Everything is so so (whines) dirty! Yeah.
And I never pick up my bedroom, either.
You'll pay for this, Dirtwing.
You get J.
Gander, I'll handle Pine.
(clicking) I won't let scum like you stain my record.
Face it, Ammonia.
I'm scrubbing your mission.
Not so fast, toots.
You're playing in my bucket now.
Ha! Oops.
En garde.
Have you out of there in a sec, boys.
(muffled speech) You're all washed up, Pine.
Your dullard dusting days are done.
Don't count your bubbles before they're popped.
(cackles) I'll be seein' ya, Ducks.
- (pop) - No! Bleah! Bleah I washed out this time, but I'll be back to shine again.
SHUSH and this entire country is in your debt.
Once again, your unpredictable methods saved the day.
Not really, sir.
This time we did it by the book.
(growls) # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck