DAVE (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

1
♪♪
When the last time you
told your-your homeboys
that you love them and you
appreciate them and value them?
- EMMA: No
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON VIDEO)
- Mm.
- Turn that shit off.
I'm sorry. Just go back to sleep.
(EMMA GROANS)
Did I get curb-stomped last night?
I feel like my brain cells have
been removed from my head and
Neither of those.
put together randomly.
(ELZ CHUCKLES)
There was this little
dude named "Tequila",
and he came around,
and you lost that fight.
(ELZ CHUCKLES)
- You're an idiot.
- (LAUGHS)
(EMMA GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(SQUEAKING)
(ELZ LAUGHS)
What the ?
Whoa. Are you trying to
smoke my USB right now?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.
Just properly eject next time, please?
- (CHUCKLING)
- (INHALING)
(COUGHING)
See, that's what you get, Chernobyl.
(COUGHING)
ELZ: It's gonna kill you and me.
What? Stop looking at me like that.
Ow.
Do you want water or anything?
No, I'm good.
- You want a hug?
- No.
- A high five?
- Can you just stop talking?
What the fuck happened to ?
(SNIFFS) Ugh.
- Oh, my
- Can I borrow a shirt?
Yeah, but you look
like a victim right now.
I'm kidding.
Let's see what we have here.
(DRAWER OPENS)
Boom.
No.
You wear that all the time.
Everyone's gonna know it's your shirt.
Well, haters gonna hate, so you get
(CHUCKLING): a P.E. shirt.
How's it feel
To be with me? ♪
- (SNAPS FINGERS)
- You're so weird.
Don't overreact and shit like that.
I hold the door for everybody, girl.
My mom raised a gentleman.
You're so overly dramatic.
Uh what are you about to do?
No plans. Just gonna
continue being alive.
Yeah.
I got a meeting in a second.
I should probably, like,
shower or something,
so I don't smell like tequila
and ass when I get there, huh?
Well, appreciate the, uh, hospitality.
Is that what you do to
everybody after you have sex?
- You just punch them twice?
- Bye.
Fuck!
(TOUCH TONES SOUNDING)
- (PHONE RINGING THROUGH)
- (SCOFFS)
Yeah, I think somebody
broke into your car.
WOMAN: 911. Where is your emergency?
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
- I'm Lil Dicky ♪
- Hi, I'm Dave ♪
- Who's Dave? ♪
Hi, I'm Dave. ♪
Correct me if I'm wrong.
You usually call 911 when,
like I don't know
you're being currently stabbed
in the chest or something,
not when someone broke into your car.
Well, my day just
got stabbed in the chest.
Now I got to deal with the
cops, and then oh, insurance
and all that shit.
And hope that my work
is saved on the cloud.
Don't call the cops while
I'm sitting next to you,
'cause then I'm under arrest,
'cause I apparently broke into your car.
- (CHUCKLES)
- And then I'm in handcuffs,
and then you have no
T-shirt, no dick, no laptop.
I'm good on the T-shirt and the dicks,
but you're right about the cops.
They're just gonna
make me file a report,
and then go back to
beating up poor people.
(BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY)
You don't have to stay here with me.
All right, nigga. See you later.
(LAUGHS)
- Could you imagine?
- Wow.
Ooh, is that a roly-poly?
Well, yeah, I couldn't
leave you looking homeless.
This is your shirt.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- (ELZ SIGHS)
Mm-hmm.
- (MUSIC PLAYS OVER PHONE)
-
Bro, every fucking time!
What's up?
This is my beat, and some
SoundCloud rapper just stole it
and recorded his lame-ass verse to it
and didn't give me any credit.
Let's take the beat
and kill his mom to it.
It's just, like why am I
still dealing with this shit?
Like, how fucking old am I?
Do you know what it feels like
to just have your work
stolen from under you?
No fucking clue.
Now I'm about to DJ
this fucking silent disco
tonight like a creep.
I just be sitting in
sessions with Trippie
for, like, 12 fucking hours,
not playing any beats
on my hard drive 'cause I'm scared.
But like, bro, I want to be
a fucking producer, you know?
If you want to be an
actual producer, show him.
Have you met this kid?
He's so intimidating.
There's an "eight" in the middle
of his fucking face, like
like a fucking calculator
or something, brah.
That shit is nerve-racking.
Speaking of, when's your meeting?
Um
Uh
it's not really important.
They don't need me every second of it.
(SIGHS) You don't have to do that.
- Do what?
- Treat me like a fucking random.
You don't have to make up a
meeting just to get rid of me.
Oh, make up a meeting?
I didn't make up a meeting.
I just You know, it was
Today is
a day, and tomorrow's
another day, and
Look, we were friends before
whatever happened last night,
so you don't get to act different now.
You're not gonna say "bye",
give me a hug, nothing?
- Get off my car.
- Or else what?
I'll run you over.
Really? You're gonna run me over?
Wait, wait. Before you start
your car, can you hear me?
- Huh?
- It's a joke. Your window's broken.
- (LAUGHS)
- (CAR STARTS)
- Get out of the way.
- You're not gonna do shit.
- (ENGINE REVS, HORN TOOTS)
- Really?!
- EMMA: Bye.
- Hey!
You left your vape! You left your vape!
Yo, so I got this crazy idea
for a music video, right?
So it looks like you're walking
down a nail polish aisle.
It's just, like, a
bunch of rows of bottles
of nail polish in order of flesh tone.
But then you zoom in,
and it's just a bunch of naked-ass dudes
organized by, like,
every race light skin,
dark skin, brown skin,
every tone. Crazy, right?
Well, let me hit you back
when I leave the studio.
All right.
You want to be in a music video?
I don't really think that's my thing.
I don't have the chest for that.
- But you want some coffee?
- I'll do the coffee,
but I don't fuck with milk.
Out of respect for cows?
Out of respect for the titties.
- Well, this is pea milk from a pea.
- (PHONE RINGING)
There's literally not
one titty involved, so,
- I guess you could kind of
- Hold that thought, pea milk.
Yo, this dude is, like, punking
out, asked to be in my video.
(MIMICKING): Punking out.
Yeah, see, they got all
the candy in here, so
I'm gonna take you to where
all the candy is. (MUMBLES)
Oh, man.
- What's up, man? How are you?
- What's going down?
Chill chillin'.
- Right.
- Um, are you gonna
record later or anything, or ?
- Yeah, I'm-a be in there.
- All right, cool,
'cause I wanted to load up
some beats for you.
- If you have any time
- Look-look-look, before that,
uh, can you do me a favor?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, look, this is my nephew Sauron.
Hey, Sauron. I'm Elz.
Hi, Elz.
That's a cool chain you got.
- Are those diamonds?
- Yes.
So, look, I was supposed to
take him shopping, but I can't
'cause I got to go do this music video,
and it ain't the right
surrounding for a little bro,
so I need you to go
take him shopping for me.
Take him shopping?
Yeah, like, take him
to Beverly Hills, yeah.
Sir, I don't think you understand.
Bro, I don't have any money.
Like, I work here. I'm a normal dude.
I got money. Sauron,
how much money you need?
This much.
All right, I got you.
That's a awful lot of
money to hand a child.
How old is he?
Now, what do we do?
- Share.
- We share.
I'll see you later, Sauron.
- All right, dude, I appreciate it.
- Uh
uh, man I feel like
one of these people
he might be more comfortable with.
(MUMBLES)
(SIGHS) What do I
Do you need to eat food? Do you eat?
Yes.
What a treat this is.
His face is
I love him.
Let me ask you this, and
forgive my ignorance, but
do most engineers that are
trying to become producers
take the babysitting route?
You know, I'm sure Dr.
Dre at one point in time
- had to babysit someone.
- He babysat? Yeah. I
This is not my industry.
I mean, it's my industry,
but it's not my, like,
you know, my niche.
Yeah. What is your niche, rapping?
Ooh, hard to put your finger
on what my niche is. I'm
very, like, multidimensional.
You know, I do rap you saw
me go viral with, like, a stunt
where I impacted the
entire culture of America.
Yeah, for a bunch of middle school kids.
- Whoop-de-doo.
- The way I see it,
you-you've kind of entered
this, like, wormhole
that reverses your trajectory
and, like, your career
borderline has Benjamin
Button's disease,
- Interesting. Okay.
- 'cause you just keep going backwards.
Your career could have any sort
of disease you want it to have,
because I can take half of it.
- How?
- Do you real
I own half of your stuff,
'cause I make the beats.
- Okay.
- Therefore
- Right.
- really, you're waiting on me
to make everything happen, Captain.
You're right. I'm sorry.
It's just guys being guy
But you know what, you
need a producer tag.
- No. 'Cause producer tags are so corny, though.
- Yeah, that
They are corny, but yours can be
cool er than most, and also,
the-the reason that they exist
is so people don't just,
like, run away with the beat.
Look, let's make one right now.
Voice memo up, and
Elz! ♪
No ! ♪
Don't take it! ♪
Just playing with you. I'll
give you a good one. Hold on.
Elz, please don't steal my beat ♪
- Or Elz. ♪
- See? No.
I think You know what it
has to be? A female's voice.
I can do f Okay, that's easy.
(FEMININE VOICE): Elz, I know
how to use the software well ♪
But I don't know how to navigate ♪
This industry socially. ♪
- Sexy Latin woman.
- That's fine. Easy.
'Cause everything you say
right now sounds like shit.
Sexy Latin. I got that, too. Okay.
Ooh, Elz, papito,
how did you make it ♪
With the software in time in
between fucking me so good? ♪
Enough. You're too satisfied
with my misfortunes.
It's just guys being guys.
You're not a guy, you're a dick.
I can't believe Trippie
entrusted you with this child.
Bro, I can't believe it, either.
Think about it. He
has, like, a heartbeat.
- Yeah.
- Beats.
It's not, like, his session files.
- You know, this is a
- Bro, vocals,
I'm fine with stuff like that, yeah.
Realistically, would you
rather lose this child
or lose all of his session files?
I don't want to contemplate
either of those options.
They both sound terrifying.
Are these wooden shirts?
Yep.
All these shirts are 100% wood.
- (CHUCKLES)
- What a concept.
I have never heard of this.
This is very innovative.
Are these things flying off the shelves?
Uh, yeah, not quite flying.
Have you ever been on
Shark Tank or anything?
What's that?
It's a TV show.
Oh, I-I just reentered society.
I want one.
- The wooden shirt?
- By all means, man.
You got ten grand.
Try one on, man.
- Want to try this one on, buddy?
- Yeah.
- Are these splinter-free?
- Splinter-free.
Took a year to figure that out.
Where do you wear these? Like
socially, like, how does it
Yeah, anywhere you'd
wear a normal shirt.
- Hunting
- I hope you don't have any woodpeckers
in your neighborhood.
I don't mean that, like
molestually, or
Yo, this is hard.
You look like Pinocchio took steroids.
DAVE: You look like if they made
a new Pinocchio movie, you know,
today with all the progressive
racial casting in mind.
- (ELZ LAUGHS)
- Can you even, like, run around in it or anything?
- Like, do you have mobility?
- Yeah.
Oh, wow!
- ELZ: Yeah.
- You're like Barry Sanders right now.
- Look at you.
- You're, like, the first wheel ever.
You're like Muhammad Ali.
- Oh! Sauron!
- Oh! Oh, my lord.
Don't It's gonna scrape.
You can't It's gonna scrape.
- SAURON: I can't get up.
- Uh, can you roll over?
- SAURON: No.
- Aah, he can't even
- He's, like, a What do y
- ELZ: Aah!
- One, two, three, lift.
- (YELLING)
Oh, my lord!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- You're buying? Oh, my God.
- DAVE: Thank God this is hard.
- ELZ: Jesus.
You got any socks?
Hey, this your boy Kid Toilet
here to drop my new single.
- The beat is fire on it.
- ELZ: Fucking thief.
It's called "Pops,
Percs, Oxys and Xannies".
If your pops like me right
now, drop a comment below.
- Kid Toilet. Flush with pride.
- (KNOCKING)
- What's up?
- What's up, buttercup?
Wow.
- Fancy.
- Little bit.
How are you?
Eh, been better.
Wait a second.
Oh, hell yes.
Just you know, all this other
equipment, it's un-smokable.
Just fair warning, just in case you try
to pick anything up randomly and hit it.
Wow. You're funny.
What's going on with your laptop, kiddo?
(GROANS) Investigation's ongoing.
But you know what? I may
start stealing laptops,
because apparently there's
no consequences for it.
Unless I, uh
(WHISPERS): I turn you in.
I knew you were a rat.
What am I gonna do with you?
- Stand up 69 where I hold you?
- (LAUGHS)
- Dude, let's do it.
- Hey, punch me in.
I'm about to go crazy, bruh.
Let me get a session, man.
I'm trying to go Einstein in the booth.
Me and him could be
making classics right now.
- Oh.
- Come on, man.
We supposed to be making hits.
Um, I'm gonna leave you guys.
Hold on. You stay here.
Don't you got the plug
on the stick and dot tattoos
and the poke and shit?
Like, I'm trying to get
tatted, like, blasted for real.
At my place, yeah.
- So what are you thinking?
- Man, I'm thinking about,
you know, Maserati, me in the
back with two Chinese joints,
you know, like, you can
see through the windows,
me just getting head, watching
a documentary about some
Fijian chicks, like, you know,
TVs in the headrest, all
of that, just chilling,
real boss shit.
What kind of Maserati?
I know y'all smashin'.
(SNICKERS) What?
I know y'all smashin'. Look at y'all.
Y'all just in here vibing, like,
the computer ain't even doing nothing
about music, it's just sitting there.
Ugh. I'd rather die.
GATA: On that note,
I'm-a bounce, 'cause I
got a baddy at the house
waiting on me, bruh. I'm gone, Kong.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey.
Let me get in that booth.
Let me make some classics.
Whatever.
Oh, shit.
I just remembered all my
nudes are on that laptop.
Guess I got to retake 'em.
I guess so.
Wow.
You're fun.
All of a sudden you want me to be fun?
Like, every time I do something
for you, it's too much.
If I give you a T-shirt,
it's too Elz of a T-shirt.
If I open the door
for you, it's too nice
for me to do that. I just don't know
what you want from me, and
I'm following your lead,
and you're just all over the place.
See, this is exactly why
we shouldn't have had sex.
You're acting like an emo bitch.
Emo bitch.
Got you.
Good one.
(EMMA SIGHS)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS,
FEATURING SYNTHESIZER)
TRIPPIE: Oh, man, what's this?
Oh.
Um this is a-a beat I
Uh, nigga, this is a beat I made.
Vibe hard. Run that
shit back a little bit?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That shit crazy.
I j I just be making
beats all the time.
I got hella beats just in case
you ever need any, you know?
Yeah, I need this one.
Yeah, I'll, uh
I'll-I'll-I'll save
it for you or whatever.
Who you was holding this for Thug?
- Young Thug?
- Yeah.
Who do you think I am?
Bro, I am normal, nigga. I Uber.
For real?
No, I drive Uber.
How come you ain't tell me about this?
I mean, I don't want to
overstep my boundaries.
I'm sure, like, a bunch
of people come to you like,
"Yo, I got a beat for you",
"Yo, let me rap for
you", so it's, like
I mean, but you're understeppin'
'cause you're not trying
to show somebody that work.
I feel you. I just be scared.
I don't want to be weird.
Damn! Oh, sick.
This is my new favorite shirt.
That's like some 300 shit. Give
Give me a high five, man.
You know, I I picked
that shit out for him.
For real? That's like some
"This is Sparta!" looking-ass shit.
You know what I'm saying?
It's that, "Yeah!" (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, like, "Are you not entertained?!"
Yeah
Okay.
Maybe not?
- Ready! ♪
- Let's go ♪
Hittaz on deck, hittaz
on deck, hittaz on deck ♪
I'm 17, got that
bad ho stay on my ♪
Hey, can you play "Party in the U.S.A".?
I-I actually would rather
just pull all my teeth out,
try to eat a steak, maybe.
Excuse me? I work for the sponsor,
if you're interested
in keeping this gig.
(VALLEY GIRL VOICE): Oh,
my God. That's so crazy.
What am I gonna do if I don't
- keep this fucking gig?
- Screw you.
How am I gonna eat tonight, lady?!
(CHUCKLES)
I ain't never seen you with a gun ♪
- L.A., open up that fucking pit!
- Hop out with choppas ♪
Young niggas shottas,
leave a nigga red ♪
Oh, none of you guys
can fucking hear me.
Hey, you know what the fuck
it is. You're a loser. Ha!
That's my fucking loser.
That's my guy right there.
If you or a loved one was
diagnosed with mesothelioma,
you can collect money or some shit!
She's cheating on you, dawg. You know.
You're cheating on that nigga. Yeah.
What's up, white people?!
Yeah, you're fucking trash.
High five if you love
black people. Fuck, yeah.
High five if you don't love
black people. You're crazy.
- Hey, can I make a request?
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
Um, only if it's "Get The Fuck
Out My Face" by Rich Homie Quan.
How about "Don't Be Lame.
I Came All The Way Here in
Rush Hour to This Nightmare Event
With No Passenger Side
Window to See Your Dumb Ass".
It's my jam.
(ELZ LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Like, why was I mad at you again?
I really can't remember.
Uh I don't know.
Well, I'll just accept
this as an apology.
This is not an apology.
I didn't come here to apologize.
Oh, so you came here
(IN BABY VOICE): 'cause you missed me?
You couldn't live without me?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Maybe.
Maybe you couldn't live without me?
- Uh
- We should have fucked.
I'm happy we fucked.
Obvious fucking-ly, I'm
happy we fucked, too. Yeah.
Obviously fucking-ly.
I just don't want our
friends to find out yet, so
I mean, dude, the last
thing I want in life
is Dave giving me fucking
relationship advice,
so trust me, I understand.
Do you think I want Ally to
give me relationship advice?
You think I want fuckin' Ally
to give me relationship advice?
- Jesus Christ.
- No. So we're good.
You're a crazy person, you know that?
I take that as a compliment.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- MAN: Hey.
- MAN 2: What's up, man?
- Oh, shit. The music stopped. Um
EMMA: Oh, shit.
If you're here for the
silent disco, make some noise!
- MAN: Yeah.
- MAN 3: Play it, man.
- Let's play it.
- (QUIET CHATTER)
(RAP SONG STARTS PLAYING)
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Can you believe that? Okay, wait.
I got something for you.
- Close your eyes.
- Whoa.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Excuse
me. Wooden shirt coming through.
EMMA: A what coming through?
Uh, open your eyes.
(LAUGHS) What the hell?
What is that?
- It's a wooden shirt.
- Can I wear that?
Obviously. That's why
I got it for you, fool.
Well, put it on.
- Put it on me.
- (LAUGHS)
Okay, it opens like a door.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
- (GASPS)
- Are you ready?
- (LAUGHS)
- Okay, you got to stop.
Don't don't do that.
I realized that if we're
gonna keep doing this
that you need more shirts, so
- (GRUNTS)
- Does it fit?
(BOTH LAUGH)
You look like the Iron Giant. Hold on.
- (LAUGHS)
- Here are your headphones
- for the
- Oh, yeah.
Get you a seatbelt and a helmet maybe.
- (SONG PLAYING LOUDER)
- Ay (LAUGHS)
Make my earth quake, oh,
you make my earth quake ♪
- Hold on, wait, you have to
- I can't turn.
No, you can't turn that way. Uh. Uh.
One more. Uh. Two more. Mmm.
- Don't leave ♪
- Ee
I have a plan.
- What's your plan?
- So after this,
we watch Friends with Benefits.
- Okay.
- We cry a little bit,
- laugh a little more.
- Mm-hmm.
Step two my clothes, gone.
Step three lady's choice.
You think you're gonna get lucky?
'Cause when it all
comes crashing down ♪
- Knock on wood.
- Wow.
You get it? That was
good, that was good.
Don't leave, it's my fault ♪
Don't leave, it's my fault ♪
Don't leave, it's my fault ♪
Girl ♪
'Cause when it all comes
crashing down I'll need you ♪
'Cause you make my earth quake ♪
I don't want no confrontation, no ♪
You don't want my conversation ♪
I don't want no conversation ♪
I just need some confirmation
on how you feel, for real ♪
For real ♪
You don't want no complication, no ♪
I don't want no sovereign nation ♪
I don't want no sovereign nation ♪
I don't even know 'bout
that 'cause that's for real ♪
For real ♪
I said don't leave, it's my fault ♪
- One ♪
- I said ♪