Daybreak (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
Post Mates
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PRINCIPAL BURR.]
Daybreak is taped before a live studio audience.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
- Jaden Thompson McGee? You ate him.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Jaden Unger? You ate him too.
Jaden Hoyles? That's his skeleton.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Um, Josh Wheeler? - Wheeler? - [DOOR OPENS.]
I'm here.
Don't eat me.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING.]
Please.
I just had a niçoise salad.
["SING YOUR LIFE" PLAYING.]
Sing your life Any fool can think of words that rhyme Many others do Why don't you? Do you want to? Oh Oh Sing your life Walk right up to the microphone And name All the things you love All the things that you loathe Oh, sing your life The things that you love And the things you loathe Oh, sing your life Oh, sing your life La, la, la, la Sing your life La, la, la, la Sing your life Others sang your life But now is your chance to shine And have the pleasure of Saying what you mean Have the pleasure of Meaning what you sing Oh, make no mistake, my friend [MS.
CRUMBLE.]
Today's lesson is on neurogenesis.
Now, our brains are in constant growth and healing.
Now! [STUDENTS CHUCKLE.]
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
Guys [LAUGHING.]
Come on.
You guys [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
This is actually really inspiring stuff, okay? Our brains have over 100 billion neurons and 300 miles of blood vessels.
Right? - Blood.
- [JOSH.]
Uh-oh.
Here we go again.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Who is that? Who is laughing? - [ANGELICA.]
Cut! Everybody take five! - [BELL RINGS.]
[MAN 1.]
All right, everyone.
You heard her.
Five minutes.
- [MAN 2.]
So we have some notes.
- [ANGELICA.]
Shut the fuck up, fat man.
Okay.
So good stuff, but after Josh says What's your fucking line, Josh? [JOSH.]
Uh "Uh-oh.
Here we go again!" Yeah.
Then you bite his face off.
Okay.
My life is not a sitcom.
You're not a director.
You're my friend.
No! I am a for real person.
[EXHALES.]
I think I need some professional help here.
I know what you need.
Come on.
Let's get you this CBD latte, pour some Russian dressing on Josh, and you can gobble his face like a reuben sandwich.
I don't eat kids! I don't eat kids.
What happened at the cereal factory, that wasn't you.
[MS.
CRUMBLE.]
How does it look? [ANGELICA.]
Like cotton candy took a shit on pepperoni pizza.
Something is wrong with my mind.
I thought I was in a sitcom, and you were the director.
[SIGHS.]
I'm going crazy.
Crazier.
Crazier-er? Crazier-er-er? It's just backne.
Some Clearasil, and you'll be back to being Ms.
Crumble.
[GROWLS.]
My name is not Crumble.
Do I remember my name? Something is happening to me.
I need your help.
I'll be back in five.
What's going on? You look like an ad for depression meds whose side effects include uncomfortable prolonged erections.
I told them we faked Sam's death.
It was the honorable thing to do.
Your Bushido code can suck my fucking dick! [JOSH.]
Sam's still alive.
She's Turbo's prisoner at the high school.
KJ saw her too.
[SPEAKS CHINESE.]
Why are you still speaking Chinese? [SPEAKS CHINESE.]
She speaks English.
Speak English? [SPEAKS CHINESE.]
Speak English! - Speak! - Ladies aren't Chow Chows yo! Show some respec.
I pamper my Mavis like a goddess.
24k foot rubs all day, baby.
Look! This isn't about your pretend girlfriend! Sam is in the high school, and you assholes manipulated me.
You're supposed to be my friends! Listen, you naive Canadian shart blossom, you think everyone's supposed to be so nice all the time.
Well, the world isn't filled with sunflowers and puppies whose farts smell like cinnamon buns.
I lied! And I'd do it again! We saved you from being monched by Ghoulies or dying from an infection.
So how about instead of giving us grief, like a Jewish bubby at Yom Kippur, you just say âthank you, â and we can all get back to our lives.
He's kicking us out? I'm sorry! Don't be a savage.
You're above that.
We can still save Sam.
Your skills, Angelica's brains, my swords.
Ain't nothing we can't do together.
[ANGELICA.]
Well, I don't need this shit.
You won't be so smug when I'm a Cheermazon! A kickass Cheermazon! Ugh! Take care of yourself, Eli.
This rÅnin gotta get roaming.
["CRUSH" PLAYING.]
Hey! You can't keep me out of my own mall.
I'm like herpes! I always come back! You hear me! A big mountain lip of herpes! [BANGING.]
I could be your crush, like Throw you for a rush, like Hoping you'd text me So I could tell you I been thinking 'bout your touch, like Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch I could be your crush I'm coming for you, Sam.
I got a fascination With your presentation Making me feel like You're on my island You're my permanent vacation Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch I could be your Crush, crush, crush, crush, crush [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[MONA LISA.]
Time for breakfast, Turbo! Looks banging.
Just what a growing boy needs to stay shredded.
It's from the TB12 cookbook.
Vegan, paleo, and everything.
[TURBO GRUNTS.]
[UNLOCKS DOOR.]
[BARRY.]
Sign up for the Golf Team! Please! Hey, you guys are athletic.
Must be nice.
You know what else is nice? A good day on the green with the bros.
Hey, have you seen Happy Gilmore? Great movie.
It could be you.
- Hi.
- Any takers? [SIGHS.]
The Golf Team is cursed.
There's no such thing.
The dramatic decline in membership suggests otherwise.
Sounds like quitting words.
I'm giving out free caramels.
If you want to play, get a new game.
[SCOFFS.]
But I have a nine handicap.
I have an "I don't give a crap.
" One game? Shit.
You're like a Swiss army knife with only a toothpick.
- [TURBO YELLS.]
- [SAM SCREAMS.]
[BARRY.]
He thinks everything is poison.
[MONA LISA.]
He's gone paranoid.
We both know Gary wasn't a traitor.
Turbo set him up.
Something has to be done.
Maybe we can help find a solution.
What happened to Gary - and Larry - [SCREAMS.]
and Jerry and Terry is not gonna happen to Barry.
I'm just gonna stand here until I get a new team together.
Well, I don't play golf, Barry, but my real name is Mary.
[MS.
CRUMBLE.]
Josh Wheeler.
Angelica Green said she would be back in five.
And it has been 147.
I kicked Angelica out of the mall.
Her and Wesley and Eli.
What? But you and [CHUCKLES.]
she and and I.
You understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what you're saying? I need her.
She's a sociopath.
She's a little girl.
She was fine on her own before.
I thought you were a good kid.
You know, not very bright.
Sad haircut.
[COUGHS.]
Worst taste in music.
But still a very good kid.
I felt bad that you didn't have any friends.
But you're really just a C student.
Hmm? C! As in you're a real piece of shit.
That doesn't even.
Look, I did what I had to do.
I didn't ask to be in charge.
I'm the adult.
I am the teacher! And if you don't bring Angelica back, I will pour Russian dressing on your face and eat you like a reuben! I'm I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I don't know what a reuben is.
I think it's a Jewish accountant.
Look, she went with the Cheermazons.
And I found this flyer.
It'll tell you where they are.
[SNIFFS.]
["ZOMBIE" PLAYING.]
She was so good lookin' Wonderin' what she was cookin' It smelled so good She had an old suitcase Full of skulls [MS.
CRUMBLE.]
Angelica? Is anyone here? Hello? Cheermazons? Um [WHISPERS.]
What am I doing here? I forgot my line.
No, I think Am I in a band? Yes! Yes, I know.
I'm in a band.
Hello, Van Nuys! We are the all-female Latina Morrissey cover band.
We are Girlfriends in a Coma.
What the hell is this? [SINGING "SING YOUR LIFE" IN SPANISH.]
[SONG ENDS.]
[MAN.]
You suck! [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Principal Burr! Hi! Um, Mike! I I didn't know you like Morrissey.
Or The Smiths.
- Or bars, or having a good time.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Do the students know about this? I mean, you make it sound like singing in a all-female Latina Morrissey cover band is some pervy fetish or something.
You had to legally change your name to Crumble because you cried in class.
What are the kids gonna do if they find out about this? Maybe they'll think I'm cool.
You try so hard to connect to the students.
And then Jacob Alexander puts weed in all the Bunsen burners.
I am an excellent teacher.
I'm a very good teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm a good teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm an adequate teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm a teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Kids are bullies, and mean.
And they will consume you whole.
Not if I eat 'em first, am I right? We'll talk about that later.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Ooh! The reason the students don't respect you is because you're torn.
Singer or teacher, you have to make a choice.
I'm allowed to have a life.
Hobbies make a well-rounded individual.
I, for example, take a sommelier class at Sur La Table.
Morrissey is my spirit animal.
You don't understand what he means to a girl from Pacoima who religiously listened to K-Rock.
Morrissey understands what it's like to feel worthless.
And that makes me feel worth ful.
Maybe you can try découpage.
You know what? Fuck you! [GRUNTING AND MOANING.]
[ANGELICA.]
Cut! [BELL RINGS.]
You're not committing to the role.
I'm [PANTS.]
I'm confused.
Is this what actually happened? Or do I just think we had sex because Burr said that we did? Is this a flashback or a nightmare? Yes.
Hey! I need help rescuing Sam from the high school.
Would you please help me? Look! I just tried to have a guy killed.
My friends are liars, and I don't even know who I am anymore.
I have to get Sam from the high school.
She needs me.
I can't do it alone.
Why are you avoiding me? Is it Is it because of sex? I know you don't want people to know you speak English, but talk to me! [BLOWS.]
[BLOWS.]
[JOSH.]
And stay the fuck out! I'm totes fine out here! Sun's out, guns out! Halt! Members only.
I like totes cracked your code.
Totes.
It's Hohmann Country Club.
Make it harder next time.
I don't recognize you.
My name is Reuben San-du-val-wich.
You have a boy's name.
I was named after my grandfather.
He was a Jewish accountant.
To get inside, show me your bling.
Okay.
Welcome to the Cheermazons, Reuben San-du-val-wich.
Hope you survive the experience.
Orientation starts now.
Voice up high, power to behold Feel it all, let my body go Never hold back, nature is to know And I'm proud to let it show Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Strong and bold, never keep us down But the right ones Know we wear the crown [DEMI.]
New recruits, gather around! They call us bitches, chicks, cock wallets, and witches.
But I call us women.
- [CHEERING.]
- [DEMI.]
Ladies! - Goddesses! - Angelica.
[DEMI.]
Providers and sisters.
You are all queens.
Woo! In this garden, no one will tell you to smile more, or talk less.
Being over-dramatic or too loud? Never.
You are everything.
We are the Triumvirate the three leaders of the Cheermazons.
Three is a magic number, and binary is basic as shit.
In geometry, the triangle is the strongest shape.
In chemistry, the triangle represents change.
[DEMI.]
In order to join our ranks, you have to pass the gauntlet.
Three tests to see if you are worthy.
[MIRYAM.]
Testing your mental acuity, physical dexterity, and spiritual harmony.
It's time for you Facetune maggots to show us what you fucking got! [CHEERING.]
Angelica.
[DEMI.]
Girls are taught that desire is a gluttony.
That we have to starve ourselves to please a man.
This is your first test.
All the food that you see is delicious, and all of it is toxic.
One thing is safe to consume.
Figure it out, and you get to move on.
But take one wrong bite, and you'll be spraying caca fuego for a month.
Bon appétit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE WHOOPING.]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
Can we cut? [BELL RINGS.]
[MAN ON SET.]
All right! Let's take a five! I'm surrounded by amateurs.
Fucking amateurs! Little Leni Riefenstahl is pissed.
I'm sorry.
I'm just It's no offense, but I would never have sex with you.
I - It just feels really wrong.
- It's in the script.
We have the sex, we eat, and then you tell me that you choose teaching over singing.
You want to be like one of those teachers you see on TV.
Yeah.
Um You want to inspire those kids.
"I want to help students understand why they feel so lost.
It's just biology.
The amygdala develops first in a teenager's brain.
It controls emotions and all the bad decisions that kids make.
" [LAUGHS.]
"And kids make lots and lots of bad decisions.
" You're like a hot Jaime Escalante.
Wait.
What is this next part? I ask you to change some grades.
And I tell you no? Mm, that's not how the scene goes.
Why would I say yes? I need you to raise the school GPA to get a grant.
It's just Demi Anderson, Barry Kirkwood, Albert Yang.
Well, I guess if it helps the school.
Right? And I can be very persuasive.
You? [CHUCKLES WRYLY.]
Yeah.
You're like a Honda Civic who wished to become a real boy.
Hondas are reliable, safety tested, and you drove this one a lot, and by that I mean we had the sex.
Yeah, okay, I Can you please stop calling it "the sex!" I've changed since I had Hoyles arrested.
Assertive.
All females are attracted to an apex predator.
Uh A hot Jaime Escalante would not fuck her boss.
Or change grades to please him.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Well at least the dumplings are still good.
[STOMACH GRUMBLING.]
[RECRUIT 1.]
Oh, it's gonna come out both ends! [FARTING.]
[RETCHING AND FARTING.]
[RECRUIT 2.]
It burns! [RECRUIT 3.]
Should it be that color? [RECRUITS FARTING AND RETCHING.]
[RECRUIT 4 VOMITING.]
[MOUTHING.]
[MOUTHING.]
[RECRUIT 3.]
It's so musky! [FARTS AND RETCHES.]
- [RECRUIT 5.]
Here comes the butt soup! - [MOUTHS.]
Congratulations.
All of the food was poisoned? The human body can survive three weeks without food.
But you can't survive without water.
To be a Cheermazon, you have to be smart.
[TECHNO VERSION OF "HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING.]
[JOSH.]
Goodbye, Eli! Hey! Wait a minute.
I see what's happening to you.
You were infected when you walked into the mall and got that first glorious hit of Johnny Depp cologne and pizza bites.
Now it's in your blood.
You want the mall all to yourself.
I call it âThe Hunger.
â Trademark Eli.
- I'm not like you, Eli.
- Yeah, you're worse.
I might be a dick, but you're a dick imitating a dick thinking that you're not a dick.
I don't want the mall, Eli! I just want to save Sam.
[MONA LISA.]
Something has to be done.
Turbo's acting all kinds of insane.
He's not eating.
Hunger can make anyone go a bit bonkers.
[BARRY.]
What else you growing in your garden? [SAM.]
What else? Do you know how hard it is to grow a strawberry in the apocalypse? I've been toiling in that garden for months trying to get anything edible.
The first batch was glowing.
The second batch had spider legs and crawled away.
And then after all that, I got to thinking sunflowers.
Sunflowers absorb radiation.
They purify the soil.
So now, we have strawberries.
And berries are a superfood.
It's pretty fucking smart.
How'd you learn that sunflower bit? Ms.
Crumble's biology class.
Look, Turbo's problem is more than just an empty tum-tum.
He framed Gary.
Had him killed.
Oh! Barry I'm so sorry.
I Turbo's leading us down a dangerous path.
More people are gonna die.
Um, why have you come here? What can I do? You're Sam Fucking Dean.
[DEMI.]
Move it, ladies.
The second test awaits.
[ANGELICA.]
What the fuck are you doing here? I need you to fix me.
Come on.
Let's go back home.
I don't have a home.
Josh excommunicated my tuckus.
- I can't go back.
- You can't stay here.
These are mean girls.
How did you figure out the water was safe to drink? She said all the food was toxic.
She didn't mention the water.
You remembered Demi.
You solved the first test.
You might actually be getting your shit together.
No, no, my shit is not together.
My shit is like a Health Valley granola bar that feels solid, but when you open it up, there's shit everywhere.
My shit is also very hungry.
The Cheermazons are strong and safe.
If we get through the gauntlet, we can have a new home here.
And then then I can help you get better.
[CROWD CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
Recruits, meet your second test.
[GHOULIES GROWLING.]
[MIRYAM.]
Mall Santas like these wouldn't let me sit on their lap and tell them what toy I wanted unless I took off my hijab.
I want you to kill these racist assholes with your bare hands! ["F.
U.
U.
" PLAYING.]
I'm gonna fuck you up, gonna cut you up Gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up I'm gonna cut your hair Now, won't you stare? I'm gonna cut your hair And then I want you to stare Whilst I fuck you up, gonna cut you up Gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up Then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up Are you not entertained? [SCREAMING.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DEMI.]
Seize that thing.
[ALARM BLARING.]
[GIRL.]
Oh, my God! Everyone calm down! Just Eli! [SIGHS.]
[ALARM CONTINUES.]
[METAL BANGING.]
Eli? Eli, I know you're in here! Ugh, he's going to the roof.
Eli! Eli, come out! [GIRL.]
I'm sorry I pulled the fire alarm.
But I wanted to get your attention, Josh.
I have been watching you.
You're a good guy.
Now all of a sudden, not so much.
And since you've pushed away and pissed off everyone who cares about you, I thought you might want to talk to someone.
Who the hell are you? Duh! I'm Mavis.
[JOSH.]
I don't understand.
You've been here the whole time? Come here.
I want to show you something.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MIRYAM.]
She's not a Ghoulie.
[VERONICA.]
She's not a woman.
She's Ms.
Crumble.
Fuck.
What are you? How are you still alive? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Patsy is gonna be so pissed if I don't get these sodas to the Booster Club before the Royal Court parade.
Oh, your school spirit is so hot.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [MOANING.]
[PRINCIPAL BURR.]
Homecoming really turns me on.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Ew! When did you get this necklace? Oh, it's nice, right? It's real gold.
You look like an idiot.
Jay-Z has one just like it.
Where did you get that? Hey, you want the matching tennis bracelet with red and white topaz? Demi Anderson's mom owns a Zales.
I changed Demi Anderson's grade from a C-minus to a B-plus.
[PANTING.]
There is no grant.
You're taking bribes for changing grades, and I helped you! You - You manipulated me! - Oh, please! Your morality is so flexible, you took bronze at the Sochi Olympics.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Stop laughing at me.
Singing for a Morrissey cover band is sad.
Being 32 and sending 100% emojis is even sadder.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Stop laughing.
You're so desperate, you had sex with me.
And my Pornhub search history includes upset mothers, runaway train, and little spoon.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Ew! I thought you were a good guy.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Aw! I played by the rules, and all I got was IBS.
Kids are assholes, you know that.
So I'm taking what I deserve.
Jay-Z says, "Don't go with the flow.
Be the flow.
" I'm the flow! I'm in charge.
Isn't that what you want? To control your own life.
You and I, we can turn Glendale into our own personal Sizzler.
Let's do this together, Crumble.
[LOW GROWL.]
That's not my name.
I need to speak to Angelica.
[ANGELICA.]
Cut! - [BELL RINGS.]
- What's up? I know what's going on here.
I know why I'm on a sitcom.
I know why you're the director.
I needed you, Angelica, to tell me why I'm a mess.
To explain why I'm changing.
But you're the kid.
I'm the teacher.
I wanted to be like those teachers I saw on TV.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
God, they always had the right thing to say, and they meant so much to their students.
I wanted to be someone's Morrissey.
I wanted to matter.
I didn't.
Burr made me feel wanted.
He made me feel necessary and important.
I shouldn't have slept with Burr, or change the grades, but I did.
[LAUGHS.]
Even adults struggle with an evolving amygdala, and we make bad decisions.
That doesn't mean I'm not a strong woman.
We are not perfect.
We are trainwrecks.
We are monsters.
That's what makes us human.
I'm human.
And I need you to know, I know what happened to me.
[EXPLOSION.]
I don't know how we survived the bomb, but I know Burr pushed me down the stairs.
I have a traumatic brain injury.
I'm not crazy.
[DEMI.]
You are crazy.
Crazy dangerous.
We handle this the Cheermazon way.
Use your voices.
Vote.
Up or down.
Live or die.
Pledges? What's it gonna be, Angelica? Binary is basic.
So the answer can't be live or die.
The Cheeramzons rule in three.
There's a third choice.
Crumble and I are leaving.
You're not going anywhere, Slimer! Cheermazons never group-think.
You other mindless lemmings can go.
Only Angelica passed the gauntlet.
["THE HYMN OF JOY" PLAYS.]
[RECRUITS PROTESTING.]
This was the final test? Welcome to the Cheermazons.
[MONA LISA.]
Turbo is out of control.
You might be the only one who can get him back in line.
A political coup? Drama! Kids need help and guidance.
You and I, we always used to do that so well.
Remember that one time all those freshman got syphilis, and I helped you figure out that it came from that Mormon kid who got it from his Mom's best friend? We can do that again.
Us, together.
The kids need it.
We can't keep living like this, Principal Burr.
Things have to get back to normal.
We wanna make an arrangement.
As a gesture of goodwill, we brought you supper.
[EXHALES.]
[MONA LISA.]
The last kid you'll eat.
You're okay with this, Barry? I don't have anyone left and berries are a superfood.
I've had time to think while I've been here, and I absolutely agree with you, Sam.
Things have to get back to normal.
Mm.
Starting now.
[DEMI.]
Welcome to the Cheermazons, Angelica Green.
[APPLAUSE.]
[ANGELICA.]
Wait.
Where are you going? [ANGELICA.]
Sing your life Any fool can think of words that rhyme Many others do, why don't you? Do you want to? Oh Oh Sing your life Walk right up to the microphone And name all the things you love All the things that you loathe Don't leave it all unsaid Somewhere in the wasteland Of your head [ANGELICA.]
And make no mistake, my friend All of this will end But before you go Can you look at the truth? You have a lovely singing voice A lovely singing voice And all of those Who sing on-key They stole the notion From you and me So, sing your life How did you know that song? You sing it in your sleep.
Our brains are constantly healing.
I even remember my name now.
- What is it? - It doesn't matter.
I'm not that person anymore.
I'm becoming someone else.
I think it's best if I go.
[CRIES.]
No.
No, please don't.
Please.
Stay here with me.
You don't need me.
I need you.
Well, I am an excellent teacher.
[JOSH.]
You painted the bomb? [CHUCKLES.]
No, dum-dum.
It's a tree.
We are a tree.
Different parts, different tribes.
All searching for an identity.
We're all different, but also all connected.
All together.
I'm sorry.
Is this real or a hallucination? Yes.
Well, it has to be one or the other.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
I had all these rules for the apocalypse.
Don't get attached.
Keep to yourself.
But the biggest rule, don't be a dick.
Broke my own rule.
I'm such a dick! Before the bombs went off, I broke her heart.
What I never told anyone is, I broke up with Sam.
[PRINCIPAL BURR.]
Daybreak is taped before a live studio audience.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
- Jaden Thompson McGee? You ate him.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Jaden Unger? You ate him too.
Jaden Hoyles? That's his skeleton.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Um, Josh Wheeler? - Wheeler? - [DOOR OPENS.]
I'm here.
Don't eat me.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING.]
Please.
I just had a niçoise salad.
["SING YOUR LIFE" PLAYING.]
Sing your life Any fool can think of words that rhyme Many others do Why don't you? Do you want to? Oh Oh Sing your life Walk right up to the microphone And name All the things you love All the things that you loathe Oh, sing your life The things that you love And the things you loathe Oh, sing your life Oh, sing your life La, la, la, la Sing your life La, la, la, la Sing your life Others sang your life But now is your chance to shine And have the pleasure of Saying what you mean Have the pleasure of Meaning what you sing Oh, make no mistake, my friend [MS.
CRUMBLE.]
Today's lesson is on neurogenesis.
Now, our brains are in constant growth and healing.
Now! [STUDENTS CHUCKLE.]
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
Guys [LAUGHING.]
Come on.
You guys [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
This is actually really inspiring stuff, okay? Our brains have over 100 billion neurons and 300 miles of blood vessels.
Right? - Blood.
- [JOSH.]
Uh-oh.
Here we go again.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Who is that? Who is laughing? - [ANGELICA.]
Cut! Everybody take five! - [BELL RINGS.]
[MAN 1.]
All right, everyone.
You heard her.
Five minutes.
- [MAN 2.]
So we have some notes.
- [ANGELICA.]
Shut the fuck up, fat man.
Okay.
So good stuff, but after Josh says What's your fucking line, Josh? [JOSH.]
Uh "Uh-oh.
Here we go again!" Yeah.
Then you bite his face off.
Okay.
My life is not a sitcom.
You're not a director.
You're my friend.
No! I am a for real person.
[EXHALES.]
I think I need some professional help here.
I know what you need.
Come on.
Let's get you this CBD latte, pour some Russian dressing on Josh, and you can gobble his face like a reuben sandwich.
I don't eat kids! I don't eat kids.
What happened at the cereal factory, that wasn't you.
[MS.
CRUMBLE.]
How does it look? [ANGELICA.]
Like cotton candy took a shit on pepperoni pizza.
Something is wrong with my mind.
I thought I was in a sitcom, and you were the director.
[SIGHS.]
I'm going crazy.
Crazier.
Crazier-er? Crazier-er-er? It's just backne.
Some Clearasil, and you'll be back to being Ms.
Crumble.
[GROWLS.]
My name is not Crumble.
Do I remember my name? Something is happening to me.
I need your help.
I'll be back in five.
What's going on? You look like an ad for depression meds whose side effects include uncomfortable prolonged erections.
I told them we faked Sam's death.
It was the honorable thing to do.
Your Bushido code can suck my fucking dick! [JOSH.]
Sam's still alive.
She's Turbo's prisoner at the high school.
KJ saw her too.
[SPEAKS CHINESE.]
Why are you still speaking Chinese? [SPEAKS CHINESE.]
She speaks English.
Speak English? [SPEAKS CHINESE.]
Speak English! - Speak! - Ladies aren't Chow Chows yo! Show some respec.
I pamper my Mavis like a goddess.
24k foot rubs all day, baby.
Look! This isn't about your pretend girlfriend! Sam is in the high school, and you assholes manipulated me.
You're supposed to be my friends! Listen, you naive Canadian shart blossom, you think everyone's supposed to be so nice all the time.
Well, the world isn't filled with sunflowers and puppies whose farts smell like cinnamon buns.
I lied! And I'd do it again! We saved you from being monched by Ghoulies or dying from an infection.
So how about instead of giving us grief, like a Jewish bubby at Yom Kippur, you just say âthank you, â and we can all get back to our lives.
He's kicking us out? I'm sorry! Don't be a savage.
You're above that.
We can still save Sam.
Your skills, Angelica's brains, my swords.
Ain't nothing we can't do together.
[ANGELICA.]
Well, I don't need this shit.
You won't be so smug when I'm a Cheermazon! A kickass Cheermazon! Ugh! Take care of yourself, Eli.
This rÅnin gotta get roaming.
["CRUSH" PLAYING.]
Hey! You can't keep me out of my own mall.
I'm like herpes! I always come back! You hear me! A big mountain lip of herpes! [BANGING.]
I could be your crush, like Throw you for a rush, like Hoping you'd text me So I could tell you I been thinking 'bout your touch, like Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch I could be your crush I'm coming for you, Sam.
I got a fascination With your presentation Making me feel like You're on my island You're my permanent vacation Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch I could be your Crush, crush, crush, crush, crush [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[MONA LISA.]
Time for breakfast, Turbo! Looks banging.
Just what a growing boy needs to stay shredded.
It's from the TB12 cookbook.
Vegan, paleo, and everything.
[TURBO GRUNTS.]
[UNLOCKS DOOR.]
[BARRY.]
Sign up for the Golf Team! Please! Hey, you guys are athletic.
Must be nice.
You know what else is nice? A good day on the green with the bros.
Hey, have you seen Happy Gilmore? Great movie.
It could be you.
- Hi.
- Any takers? [SIGHS.]
The Golf Team is cursed.
There's no such thing.
The dramatic decline in membership suggests otherwise.
Sounds like quitting words.
I'm giving out free caramels.
If you want to play, get a new game.
[SCOFFS.]
But I have a nine handicap.
I have an "I don't give a crap.
" One game? Shit.
You're like a Swiss army knife with only a toothpick.
- [TURBO YELLS.]
- [SAM SCREAMS.]
[BARRY.]
He thinks everything is poison.
[MONA LISA.]
He's gone paranoid.
We both know Gary wasn't a traitor.
Turbo set him up.
Something has to be done.
Maybe we can help find a solution.
What happened to Gary - and Larry - [SCREAMS.]
and Jerry and Terry is not gonna happen to Barry.
I'm just gonna stand here until I get a new team together.
Well, I don't play golf, Barry, but my real name is Mary.
[MS.
CRUMBLE.]
Josh Wheeler.
Angelica Green said she would be back in five.
And it has been 147.
I kicked Angelica out of the mall.
Her and Wesley and Eli.
What? But you and [CHUCKLES.]
she and and I.
You understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what you're saying? I need her.
She's a sociopath.
She's a little girl.
She was fine on her own before.
I thought you were a good kid.
You know, not very bright.
Sad haircut.
[COUGHS.]
Worst taste in music.
But still a very good kid.
I felt bad that you didn't have any friends.
But you're really just a C student.
Hmm? C! As in you're a real piece of shit.
That doesn't even.
Look, I did what I had to do.
I didn't ask to be in charge.
I'm the adult.
I am the teacher! And if you don't bring Angelica back, I will pour Russian dressing on your face and eat you like a reuben! I'm I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I don't know what a reuben is.
I think it's a Jewish accountant.
Look, she went with the Cheermazons.
And I found this flyer.
It'll tell you where they are.
[SNIFFS.]
["ZOMBIE" PLAYING.]
She was so good lookin' Wonderin' what she was cookin' It smelled so good She had an old suitcase Full of skulls [MS.
CRUMBLE.]
Angelica? Is anyone here? Hello? Cheermazons? Um [WHISPERS.]
What am I doing here? I forgot my line.
No, I think Am I in a band? Yes! Yes, I know.
I'm in a band.
Hello, Van Nuys! We are the all-female Latina Morrissey cover band.
We are Girlfriends in a Coma.
What the hell is this? [SINGING "SING YOUR LIFE" IN SPANISH.]
[SONG ENDS.]
[MAN.]
You suck! [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Principal Burr! Hi! Um, Mike! I I didn't know you like Morrissey.
Or The Smiths.
- Or bars, or having a good time.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Do the students know about this? I mean, you make it sound like singing in a all-female Latina Morrissey cover band is some pervy fetish or something.
You had to legally change your name to Crumble because you cried in class.
What are the kids gonna do if they find out about this? Maybe they'll think I'm cool.
You try so hard to connect to the students.
And then Jacob Alexander puts weed in all the Bunsen burners.
I am an excellent teacher.
I'm a very good teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm a good teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm an adequate teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm a teacher.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Kids are bullies, and mean.
And they will consume you whole.
Not if I eat 'em first, am I right? We'll talk about that later.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Ooh! The reason the students don't respect you is because you're torn.
Singer or teacher, you have to make a choice.
I'm allowed to have a life.
Hobbies make a well-rounded individual.
I, for example, take a sommelier class at Sur La Table.
Morrissey is my spirit animal.
You don't understand what he means to a girl from Pacoima who religiously listened to K-Rock.
Morrissey understands what it's like to feel worthless.
And that makes me feel worth ful.
Maybe you can try découpage.
You know what? Fuck you! [GRUNTING AND MOANING.]
[ANGELICA.]
Cut! [BELL RINGS.]
You're not committing to the role.
I'm [PANTS.]
I'm confused.
Is this what actually happened? Or do I just think we had sex because Burr said that we did? Is this a flashback or a nightmare? Yes.
Hey! I need help rescuing Sam from the high school.
Would you please help me? Look! I just tried to have a guy killed.
My friends are liars, and I don't even know who I am anymore.
I have to get Sam from the high school.
She needs me.
I can't do it alone.
Why are you avoiding me? Is it Is it because of sex? I know you don't want people to know you speak English, but talk to me! [BLOWS.]
[BLOWS.]
[JOSH.]
And stay the fuck out! I'm totes fine out here! Sun's out, guns out! Halt! Members only.
I like totes cracked your code.
Totes.
It's Hohmann Country Club.
Make it harder next time.
I don't recognize you.
My name is Reuben San-du-val-wich.
You have a boy's name.
I was named after my grandfather.
He was a Jewish accountant.
To get inside, show me your bling.
Okay.
Welcome to the Cheermazons, Reuben San-du-val-wich.
Hope you survive the experience.
Orientation starts now.
Voice up high, power to behold Feel it all, let my body go Never hold back, nature is to know And I'm proud to let it show Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Woman Woman, woman, woman Woman Strong and bold, never keep us down But the right ones Know we wear the crown [DEMI.]
New recruits, gather around! They call us bitches, chicks, cock wallets, and witches.
But I call us women.
- [CHEERING.]
- [DEMI.]
Ladies! - Goddesses! - Angelica.
[DEMI.]
Providers and sisters.
You are all queens.
Woo! In this garden, no one will tell you to smile more, or talk less.
Being over-dramatic or too loud? Never.
You are everything.
We are the Triumvirate the three leaders of the Cheermazons.
Three is a magic number, and binary is basic as shit.
In geometry, the triangle is the strongest shape.
In chemistry, the triangle represents change.
[DEMI.]
In order to join our ranks, you have to pass the gauntlet.
Three tests to see if you are worthy.
[MIRYAM.]
Testing your mental acuity, physical dexterity, and spiritual harmony.
It's time for you Facetune maggots to show us what you fucking got! [CHEERING.]
Angelica.
[DEMI.]
Girls are taught that desire is a gluttony.
That we have to starve ourselves to please a man.
This is your first test.
All the food that you see is delicious, and all of it is toxic.
One thing is safe to consume.
Figure it out, and you get to move on.
But take one wrong bite, and you'll be spraying caca fuego for a month.
Bon appétit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE WHOOPING.]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
Can we cut? [BELL RINGS.]
[MAN ON SET.]
All right! Let's take a five! I'm surrounded by amateurs.
Fucking amateurs! Little Leni Riefenstahl is pissed.
I'm sorry.
I'm just It's no offense, but I would never have sex with you.
I - It just feels really wrong.
- It's in the script.
We have the sex, we eat, and then you tell me that you choose teaching over singing.
You want to be like one of those teachers you see on TV.
Yeah.
Um You want to inspire those kids.
"I want to help students understand why they feel so lost.
It's just biology.
The amygdala develops first in a teenager's brain.
It controls emotions and all the bad decisions that kids make.
" [LAUGHS.]
"And kids make lots and lots of bad decisions.
" You're like a hot Jaime Escalante.
Wait.
What is this next part? I ask you to change some grades.
And I tell you no? Mm, that's not how the scene goes.
Why would I say yes? I need you to raise the school GPA to get a grant.
It's just Demi Anderson, Barry Kirkwood, Albert Yang.
Well, I guess if it helps the school.
Right? And I can be very persuasive.
You? [CHUCKLES WRYLY.]
Yeah.
You're like a Honda Civic who wished to become a real boy.
Hondas are reliable, safety tested, and you drove this one a lot, and by that I mean we had the sex.
Yeah, okay, I Can you please stop calling it "the sex!" I've changed since I had Hoyles arrested.
Assertive.
All females are attracted to an apex predator.
Uh A hot Jaime Escalante would not fuck her boss.
Or change grades to please him.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Well at least the dumplings are still good.
[STOMACH GRUMBLING.]
[RECRUIT 1.]
Oh, it's gonna come out both ends! [FARTING.]
[RETCHING AND FARTING.]
[RECRUIT 2.]
It burns! [RECRUIT 3.]
Should it be that color? [RECRUITS FARTING AND RETCHING.]
[RECRUIT 4 VOMITING.]
[MOUTHING.]
[MOUTHING.]
[RECRUIT 3.]
It's so musky! [FARTS AND RETCHES.]
- [RECRUIT 5.]
Here comes the butt soup! - [MOUTHS.]
Congratulations.
All of the food was poisoned? The human body can survive three weeks without food.
But you can't survive without water.
To be a Cheermazon, you have to be smart.
[TECHNO VERSION OF "HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING.]
[JOSH.]
Goodbye, Eli! Hey! Wait a minute.
I see what's happening to you.
You were infected when you walked into the mall and got that first glorious hit of Johnny Depp cologne and pizza bites.
Now it's in your blood.
You want the mall all to yourself.
I call it âThe Hunger.
â Trademark Eli.
- I'm not like you, Eli.
- Yeah, you're worse.
I might be a dick, but you're a dick imitating a dick thinking that you're not a dick.
I don't want the mall, Eli! I just want to save Sam.
[MONA LISA.]
Something has to be done.
Turbo's acting all kinds of insane.
He's not eating.
Hunger can make anyone go a bit bonkers.
[BARRY.]
What else you growing in your garden? [SAM.]
What else? Do you know how hard it is to grow a strawberry in the apocalypse? I've been toiling in that garden for months trying to get anything edible.
The first batch was glowing.
The second batch had spider legs and crawled away.
And then after all that, I got to thinking sunflowers.
Sunflowers absorb radiation.
They purify the soil.
So now, we have strawberries.
And berries are a superfood.
It's pretty fucking smart.
How'd you learn that sunflower bit? Ms.
Crumble's biology class.
Look, Turbo's problem is more than just an empty tum-tum.
He framed Gary.
Had him killed.
Oh! Barry I'm so sorry.
I Turbo's leading us down a dangerous path.
More people are gonna die.
Um, why have you come here? What can I do? You're Sam Fucking Dean.
[DEMI.]
Move it, ladies.
The second test awaits.
[ANGELICA.]
What the fuck are you doing here? I need you to fix me.
Come on.
Let's go back home.
I don't have a home.
Josh excommunicated my tuckus.
- I can't go back.
- You can't stay here.
These are mean girls.
How did you figure out the water was safe to drink? She said all the food was toxic.
She didn't mention the water.
You remembered Demi.
You solved the first test.
You might actually be getting your shit together.
No, no, my shit is not together.
My shit is like a Health Valley granola bar that feels solid, but when you open it up, there's shit everywhere.
My shit is also very hungry.
The Cheermazons are strong and safe.
If we get through the gauntlet, we can have a new home here.
And then then I can help you get better.
[CROWD CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
Recruits, meet your second test.
[GHOULIES GROWLING.]
[MIRYAM.]
Mall Santas like these wouldn't let me sit on their lap and tell them what toy I wanted unless I took off my hijab.
I want you to kill these racist assholes with your bare hands! ["F.
U.
U.
" PLAYING.]
I'm gonna fuck you up, gonna cut you up Gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up I'm gonna cut your hair Now, won't you stare? I'm gonna cut your hair And then I want you to stare Whilst I fuck you up, gonna cut you up Gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up Then I'm gonna fuck you up Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up Are you not entertained? [SCREAMING.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DEMI.]
Seize that thing.
[ALARM BLARING.]
[GIRL.]
Oh, my God! Everyone calm down! Just Eli! [SIGHS.]
[ALARM CONTINUES.]
[METAL BANGING.]
Eli? Eli, I know you're in here! Ugh, he's going to the roof.
Eli! Eli, come out! [GIRL.]
I'm sorry I pulled the fire alarm.
But I wanted to get your attention, Josh.
I have been watching you.
You're a good guy.
Now all of a sudden, not so much.
And since you've pushed away and pissed off everyone who cares about you, I thought you might want to talk to someone.
Who the hell are you? Duh! I'm Mavis.
[JOSH.]
I don't understand.
You've been here the whole time? Come here.
I want to show you something.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MIRYAM.]
She's not a Ghoulie.
[VERONICA.]
She's not a woman.
She's Ms.
Crumble.
Fuck.
What are you? How are you still alive? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Patsy is gonna be so pissed if I don't get these sodas to the Booster Club before the Royal Court parade.
Oh, your school spirit is so hot.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [MOANING.]
[PRINCIPAL BURR.]
Homecoming really turns me on.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Ew! When did you get this necklace? Oh, it's nice, right? It's real gold.
You look like an idiot.
Jay-Z has one just like it.
Where did you get that? Hey, you want the matching tennis bracelet with red and white topaz? Demi Anderson's mom owns a Zales.
I changed Demi Anderson's grade from a C-minus to a B-plus.
[PANTING.]
There is no grant.
You're taking bribes for changing grades, and I helped you! You - You manipulated me! - Oh, please! Your morality is so flexible, you took bronze at the Sochi Olympics.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Stop laughing at me.
Singing for a Morrissey cover band is sad.
Being 32 and sending 100% emojis is even sadder.
- [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Stop laughing.
You're so desperate, you had sex with me.
And my Pornhub search history includes upset mothers, runaway train, and little spoon.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Ew! I thought you were a good guy.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE.]
Aw! I played by the rules, and all I got was IBS.
Kids are assholes, you know that.
So I'm taking what I deserve.
Jay-Z says, "Don't go with the flow.
Be the flow.
" I'm the flow! I'm in charge.
Isn't that what you want? To control your own life.
You and I, we can turn Glendale into our own personal Sizzler.
Let's do this together, Crumble.
[LOW GROWL.]
That's not my name.
I need to speak to Angelica.
[ANGELICA.]
Cut! - [BELL RINGS.]
- What's up? I know what's going on here.
I know why I'm on a sitcom.
I know why you're the director.
I needed you, Angelica, to tell me why I'm a mess.
To explain why I'm changing.
But you're the kid.
I'm the teacher.
I wanted to be like those teachers I saw on TV.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
God, they always had the right thing to say, and they meant so much to their students.
I wanted to be someone's Morrissey.
I wanted to matter.
I didn't.
Burr made me feel wanted.
He made me feel necessary and important.
I shouldn't have slept with Burr, or change the grades, but I did.
[LAUGHS.]
Even adults struggle with an evolving amygdala, and we make bad decisions.
That doesn't mean I'm not a strong woman.
We are not perfect.
We are trainwrecks.
We are monsters.
That's what makes us human.
I'm human.
And I need you to know, I know what happened to me.
[EXPLOSION.]
I don't know how we survived the bomb, but I know Burr pushed me down the stairs.
I have a traumatic brain injury.
I'm not crazy.
[DEMI.]
You are crazy.
Crazy dangerous.
We handle this the Cheermazon way.
Use your voices.
Vote.
Up or down.
Live or die.
Pledges? What's it gonna be, Angelica? Binary is basic.
So the answer can't be live or die.
The Cheeramzons rule in three.
There's a third choice.
Crumble and I are leaving.
You're not going anywhere, Slimer! Cheermazons never group-think.
You other mindless lemmings can go.
Only Angelica passed the gauntlet.
["THE HYMN OF JOY" PLAYS.]
[RECRUITS PROTESTING.]
This was the final test? Welcome to the Cheermazons.
[MONA LISA.]
Turbo is out of control.
You might be the only one who can get him back in line.
A political coup? Drama! Kids need help and guidance.
You and I, we always used to do that so well.
Remember that one time all those freshman got syphilis, and I helped you figure out that it came from that Mormon kid who got it from his Mom's best friend? We can do that again.
Us, together.
The kids need it.
We can't keep living like this, Principal Burr.
Things have to get back to normal.
We wanna make an arrangement.
As a gesture of goodwill, we brought you supper.
[EXHALES.]
[MONA LISA.]
The last kid you'll eat.
You're okay with this, Barry? I don't have anyone left and berries are a superfood.
I've had time to think while I've been here, and I absolutely agree with you, Sam.
Things have to get back to normal.
Mm.
Starting now.
[DEMI.]
Welcome to the Cheermazons, Angelica Green.
[APPLAUSE.]
[ANGELICA.]
Wait.
Where are you going? [ANGELICA.]
Sing your life Any fool can think of words that rhyme Many others do, why don't you? Do you want to? Oh Oh Sing your life Walk right up to the microphone And name all the things you love All the things that you loathe Don't leave it all unsaid Somewhere in the wasteland Of your head [ANGELICA.]
And make no mistake, my friend All of this will end But before you go Can you look at the truth? You have a lovely singing voice A lovely singing voice And all of those Who sing on-key They stole the notion From you and me So, sing your life How did you know that song? You sing it in your sleep.
Our brains are constantly healing.
I even remember my name now.
- What is it? - It doesn't matter.
I'm not that person anymore.
I'm becoming someone else.
I think it's best if I go.
[CRIES.]
No.
No, please don't.
Please.
Stay here with me.
You don't need me.
I need you.
Well, I am an excellent teacher.
[JOSH.]
You painted the bomb? [CHUCKLES.]
No, dum-dum.
It's a tree.
We are a tree.
Different parts, different tribes.
All searching for an identity.
We're all different, but also all connected.
All together.
I'm sorry.
Is this real or a hallucination? Yes.
Well, it has to be one or the other.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
I had all these rules for the apocalypse.
Don't get attached.
Keep to yourself.
But the biggest rule, don't be a dick.
Broke my own rule.
I'm such a dick! Before the bombs went off, I broke her heart.
What I never told anyone is, I broke up with Sam.