Death Comes to Town (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

Previously on "Death Comes to Town": Usually there's 13 remotes, now there's only 12.
I think we just figured out what the murder weapon was.
I'm ordering that mayor bowman's body be exhumed first thing in the morning.
Oh, marnie, I don't care if my husband did father that fat bastard! Coach bowman's my dad? Now, here we go.
Want to take our love to the next level? I accept.
Aahhh! Ungh! That's a new one.
Oh! This morning the town of shuckton was shocked by the news of a one-sided love affair between the town's gay coroner, dusty diamond, and the corpse of our late bowm.
Authorities suspected dusty in this killing.
That is until police unearthed this video footage from the time of the murder.
Hmm.
Less shockingly, a routine scientific test performed on one of the late mayor's hair follicles has revealed that he was never, ever, ever gay.
Rumor has it that the disgraced coroner, dusty diamond, is set to meet with the new mayor at any moment.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that one.
Ahh uh.
So, no explanation as yet, dusty.
I suppose people think I should fire you.
But why? What did you do really? Just fall for the man you were meant to be with.
Well, that's true.
And under my reign shuckton has become a much more progressive town, like Zurich or parts of Vancouver.
Oh.
You fell in love and had sex with a corpse.
Why it's we who should be applauding your act of bravery.
It was brave, wasn't it? You are an everyday hero.
Oh, I did nothing that anyone else wouldn't have done.
No, dusty, you Are a hero! Heh heh, of course.
It doesn't matter that I had sex with a corpse.
These things happen between men.
Between great men.
Hey you.
Wake up, pervert.
The mayor wants to fire you.
Oh Fudge! Marnie? Are you there? I have to find her.
My after pants.
Yeah! 300 And 298.
I did it, I'm under 600 pounds! Not guilty! Hester, is he okay? He are fine.
Except his intense pain.
What happened? He is did make a noose from his iv tube.
And try to hang himself.
What a clumsy kitty.
Oh, Sam.
He is, um Longing for the sweet release of death.
No, hester, don't say that.
He does not do good.
He does bad.
Last night we replace his eyes.
The others vets, they called him robocat.
Vets can be so cruel.
You are go home and rest now.
Well, I sort of sold my house.
So I could pay for all this excellent care.
But at least I get to live with buttonhole again.
Oh.
You am good boy.
Who is am good boy? I am is good boy? You am is good boy.
You am is good boy.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's proceed with final summations.
Mr.
prosecutor, the floor is yours.
Oh, thank you so much, your honour.
And may I say you look very handsome today? What a wonderful trial, shuckton, give yourselves a hand.
Come on.
I'd like to thank my sponsors, bingham diet whisky: The smart way to get drunk.
But now It's time to get busy.
What we have here is a murder And a murderer! Two plus two equals? Don't answer.
Four.
Two plus two equals four.
Murder equals murderer.
Just the facts, man, just the facts.
Now, I think you all know the prettiest girl in shuckton, lorna Lee.
Hi, lorna.
You've heard my learned colleague here go on ad nauseam about the fact that there's no murder weapon.
There's no murder weapon.
We don't have the murder weapon.
He's a broken record, 'cause one of the things that coulda killed the mayor Is a broken record.
See, although we don't have the actual murder weapon, any number of household items could've killed the mayor.
Like the butt end of this kitchen gun.
Bang! Bang, you're dead.
Well, what about this ancient native weapon.
Look familiar, crim? Oh, it doesn't? I bet it don't.
Oh, what about this? Yeah.
Now, why don't you take that for a test drive, crim? Don't take it.
Don't take it.
Don't swing it.
Now how does that feel in your hand, son? Quite natural, really.
Quite natural, really.
If in his hand it fits, you must convict.
Oh, oh! That's my gavel.
That's my gavel.
Oh.
Yes, your honour.
Another crime solved.
Ladies and gentlemen of shuckton, are we going to let the murder of our beloved mayor go unavenged? Or are we the people gonna do the right thing? Wooo! We the people, rest my case.
Yow! Yeow! Woo.
Follow that, Mr.
never married.
Rickie, you're outside.
Marnie? Where have you been? I've been up the tracks.
Oh my, Ricky, you're wearing those hip-huggers I got you.
Twirl around, twirl around.
Let me get a good look at you.
Quit talking about my pants.
Bigger things are sorta kind of happening.
Oh? Like what? Marnie, did you know that coach bowman was my dad? Course I did.
Of course I know who your father is.
I'm not the type who sleeps around.
Wha? Oh.
Oh.
Did I just tell you I'm your mom? What? Oh, Ricky.
I might as well tell you the whole truth.
It'll be good to get it off my conscience.
Ricky, it happened a long time ago, but it's the one thing I can clearly remember.
Oh.
1973 - the Vietnam war, which meant in Canada that there were handsome draft-dodgers galore.
Hitting on us pretty girls.
It was the greatest night of my life - the night that April wine came to town.
So, did I run from the war or to you? Could've been here tonight could've been sweet as wine And then it became the sexiest night of my life.
Two months later, on the night a foot in cold water rolled into town; i had news for Larry that would blow his mind.
Groovy.
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, groovy.
Larry? What? I'm pregnant.
Yeah, and I'm busy.
I'm tendering making love, so why don't you take care of that, and I'll take care of this.
So you put me up for adoption? It's a little worse than that.
I tell you, the way they keep miniaturizing these things, it'sust amazing.
- You ready? - Well Yeah, she's ready.
She told me she was ready in the car let's do it! Let's do it.
Okay, just take a tick.
Ready? Well, you're golden.
Good.
And if anybody finds out about this, I'm gonna pull a harriman.
Uh! Listen, I gotta go.
I'm off to see the stampeders tonight.
Oh.
Now would you look at that? Isn't that the darnedest thing? Little fella's still alive.
It's a miracle.
We need to save it.
We'll raise it 'til he's old enough to abandon.
It'll be our secret.
Yeah.
Oh, who's got a stinky bum? Oh, let's get rid of that.
So, doc porterhouse raised the fetus like you were his own.
Little rascal, hang on to Sleepy fetus 'morn would meet us when the moon is tired And as soon as you were old enough to be a baby, he put you up for adoption.
And well, you know the rest.
I'm, I'm sorry you lost your dad, but at least you've got your mother.
Ricky.
Oh mom.
Oh, Ricky.
Mr.
Murray, it's your turn for summations.
And, Sam? Let's keep it on the short side.
Yes, your honour.
I once made you a promise.
I will now keep that promise.
I trust you, Sam Murray.
Folks, I may not have fancy pre-recorded music.
I may not even really like music that much.
I certainly don't have a ritzy law degree.
Come on.
No, in fact, I have a simple law diploma from the community college that's still in the mail.
But I do know what's true.
Yes, it's true that my client was found with the mayor's blood on his hands.
But let me tell you, that's pretty easy to do.
That's stupid.
I know it's not true that my client is a killer.
We have no killer, we have no murder weapon.
We have no witness.
You know what we do have? Nada! Thank you very much.
Why are we so quick to judge a man who has already been judged so harshly by his own fate.
Do you want to hear about his beginnings? His father died during childbirth.
Bar fight.
He never knew his own mother.
She took off before he was born.
Who raised you, crim? A pinball machine.
Raised by a pinball machine.
Lived in a dumpster.
Survived on rats and broken cookies.
He lived outside no wonder he's an outsider.
But aren't we all outsiders? Are we not a town of outsiders living a nation founded by outsiders? We took his land away.
So he turned, predictably, to germ gel, to ease the pain.
Smoked it like it was going out of style.
But it never did, did it? No, not as such.
Germ gel, a white man's drug that we use like water to protect ourselves.
Protect ourselves from what? From him? We do not need protection from him.
Perhaps we need protection from ourselves.
What is this country? What is sacred in our hearts, in the quiet place where we make our most important decisions.
We all know the truth.
That this proud man is guilty! Uh? You said "guilty.
" No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I Yea.
I said "not guilty.
" Uh no, I heard you say "guilty.
" No, I said "not guilty.
" That's ridiculous.
I said "not guilty.
" Why would I say "guilty?" All right, look.
How many people heard Sam say that Mr.
hollingsworth was guilty? I meant not guilty.
Well, Sam.
Mom? Yes, dear.
Nothing.
I just wanted to say "mom.
" Son? Yes? Same thing.
Ricky, you must be thirsty.
I'm sure I have a juice box in my purse somewhere.
- 'Kay.
- Let's see Mom?! What's that?! Oh, something I picked up at the bowman's.
I guess I should've told you.
This is the murder weapon.
The murder weapon? Oh, Ricky, you must be so happy! We found it, we found it! I knew Marilyn was the murderer.
Did she see you take it? Oh no, I'm too fast for that one.
We've got to go to the police.
Right,ight.
Now where did I park the car? I did park the car, didn't I, Ricky? 'Course I parked it.
Car? Car? Car?! All right.
Let's move on to the verdict.
Ladies and gentlemen and transgender members of the jury, it is now time for you to deliberate this very, very difficult case.
Now I want you to weigh the evidence and the arguments put before you very carefully, and no matter for how long it takes until you have come to a unanimous verdict and once you have alert us, and return to the courtroom.
You are dismissed.
Ooh.
Look at that.
Has the jury reached a verdict? I think they have.
What the hell is this? It's a Teddy bear.
It's the new way of saying guilty.
Oh.
Well Guilty.
All right.
I see no reason to delay these proceedings.
I talked to the mayor last night.
What I propose, your honour, is a very short life sentence.
One that ends with death by natural causes.
And what could be more natural than dying after electrocution? I mean I think it would be unnatural To not die.
Yes, you make a good point.
I hit the tv.
We've decided to reinstate the death penalty within the town limits of shuckton.
And so, without any further ado, I condemn you, crim hollingsworth, to death.
Oh my one sixteenth brother.
That's bad, eh? Pretty bad.
Your honour? Who do I talk to about my last meal? Hi, this is corrinda gablechuck, live outside the courthouse where just seconds ago the defendant, crim hollingsworth, was found not "not guilty," meaning "guilty.
" - - Which makes this reporter - How could a baby once so full of promise now be sentenced to death? Clearly, it's the circle of life, a circle which includes babies being born and then bludgeoned, and people having one-night stands and then having babies, and now This mighty circle of life has caught up with me, and I have a decision, a life-altering one that I have to make and, um, so should I keep this baby or not? Why don't you decide, shuckton? Could we throw up the graphic? Is the graphic up? For "keep it," press 1.
For "Don't keep it" For "don't kee" Here it is! I'll drive.
Okay, Ricky.
Okay, all right, you drive.
And I'll get you in.
Okay.
Coming, Ricky.
Coming over.
Just a little help.
I'll get you in.
I'll get you in.
I can get you in.
I'll no can do.
Let's rock.
Let's rock, Ricky.
Oh God, oh yeah! Yeah, my God, I'm gonna kill you.
Should we stop? No, keep going.
Keep going.
Oh, that's the spot! Ohhhhh! Ohhh! Don't stop or I'll kill your wife in front of your kids.
Oh.
Oh.
Do you wanna get that? I think we should take a break anyway.
Oh, get that! Get that! Wow, is that actually steam coming off of it? Huh? Oh, yeah.
You got asthma? Go ahead, it's good for you.