Dharma & Greg s01e07 Episode Script

Hey, whoo! A day at the beach.
I'm sweatin'.
Shall we set up here? Uh, no.
Let's go closer to the water.
- Let's grease it up.
- I'm on it.
What's the thinkin' here? Squirt it out, lay down, roll around.
Just like mustard on a hot dog.
Excellent.
Oh, man.
It's hot.
- Can you believe it's November? - I know.
Ifthis is global warming, it rocks.
- It's called "Indian summer.
" - [Dharma .]
Oh.
Well, thanks for that and corn, I guess.
- I'm Dharma.
This is Jane.
- George.
- Nice to meetyou.
- Hey.
- So, what brings you up here, George? - I've come here to die.
This land was my ancestors' sacred burial site.
- For real? - For real.
Well, we're sunbathing topless, soyou'll die happy.
You know, I don't lickyour face when you're doing yoga.
Go sniffhis butt.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi.
Haveyou been eating liver? No.
Oh, you're probably tasting kibble.
Okay.
- Guess what? - What? Tomorrow night, the attorney general ofthe United States is taking me to dinner because- and I quote- "I don't think I've met that Montgomery guyyet.
" She knows my name! - Shut up.
- No.
You shut up.
Janet Reno's taking you to dinner.
Janet Reno's buying me a shrimp cocktail.
Okay.
This sounds kinda shallow.
- But I kinda wantyou more now.
- Oh, yeah? [ Both Moaning .]
- Dharma? - Hmm? Why is there an elderly Native American gentleman wearing my bathrobe? Oh.
I prefer "Indian.
" George, this is Greg.
Greg, this is George.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Good night.
- Good night? George is gonna staywith us for a little while.
- What? -Just till he dies.
Two, three days tops.
- Dharma, can I seeyou for a second? - Sure.
- George, doyou need anything? - No.
I said good night.
Um, what's going on? I met George on the roof, and he said he's dying.
And he has to do it here so that the spirits ofhis ancestors can find him and help guide his soul to a place of peace.
Dharma, don'tyou think that's a bit incredible? Totally incredible.
It's awesome! No, come on.
A complete stranger comes up toyou on the street- - The roof.
- the roof- and says "I don't know you, but can I die in your apartment?" Gee, it sounds bad when you say it.
Besides, Greg, he didn't ask.
I invited him.
Honey, look, you're a very trusting person, and I love that aboutyou.
But there are people out there who prey on people likeyou.
I know that.
George is not one ofthem.
- How doyou know? - I just know.
I have a feeling.
Butyou can't take a risk like this just becauseyou have a feeling.
Why not? I did it with you.
- Heck, I married you on our first date.
- Fine.
Make a good point.
- So he can stay? - One night.
God, look at that.
Yourwhole aura just changed.
- Shut up.
- No.
You shut up.
[ George .]
Whydon'tyou both shut up? Well, check on aliases, but for now just run "George Littlefox.
" Well, check on aliases, but for now just run "George Littlefox.
" Okay, I'll hold.
I'd do it foryou.
That's all I'm sayin'.
Pete, you're not comin' to dinner with Janet Reno and me.
Aw, come on, Greg.
I mean, you're a good lawyer.
You're gonna move up becauseyou win cases.
Me? I gotta kiss some ass.
The attorney general ofthe United States- I mean, they don't get any bigger.
You know what? Slap on some ChapStick.
You talked me into it.
- Really? - Get lost.
- All right.
I'll be back though.
- Thatyou will.
What doyou mean he doesn't exist? He's in my house.
No, no.
Littlefox.
Not "Litter Box.
" What kind ofan Indian name is Litter Box? Well, there's gotta be somethin' on the guy.
- All right.
Call me back.
- Hello, hello.
Mother.
What areyou doing here? Do I need a reason to come and visit my handsome son? - Mother? - All right.
I'm absolutely desperate.
The guest speaker at my botanical garden fund-raiser has backed out and I know thatyou are having dinner this evening with Janet Reno.
- So I was wondering if- - No.
It doesn't hurt to ask.
Mother, I really don't feel comfortable askingJanet Reno for a favor.
For God sakes, Gregory! Why are you so intimidated by powerful women? All right.
How about this? I'm at another table- I choke on a crouton, you Heimlich me.
Sure, I get to meetJanet Reno, butyou're the big hero.
You're too late.
Ms.
Reno is speaking at my fund-raiser.
That's no fair.
I had dibs.
You cannot have dibs on the attorney general.
She's mine.
Yeah? You willin' to choke for her? 'Cause I'm not gonna fake it.
Okay, you guys.
I have the perfect solution.
I go to dinnerwith Janet Reno- You hate me, you be disappointed in me and somehow- [ Chuckles .]
I live with it.
[ Sighs .]
I don't suppose you would know anybody who would speak at a botanical garden function.
I don't even know anybody who would listen.
- George, you don't have to do that.
- I know.
No, no, no.
You don't wanna spend your last days on Earth doing dishes.
- Don't you wanna do somethin' fun? - Like what? - Is there anything you've everwanted to do? - You know Debbie Reynolds? - No.
- Well, I'm okay here.
- [Knocking.]
- Hi, everybody.
- What areyou guys doin' here? - Greg called and asked us to check up on you.
He asked you to check up on me? And what else did he ask us, Larry? Not to tell Dharma.
I can't believe he did that.
It's no big deal, honey.
He's worried aboutya.
Ifl had a nickel for every time I asked a neighbor to check in on your father could rebuild the garage he burned down.
Would you drop it? That was months ago.
George, I wantyou to meet my parents.
- This is Abby.
- It's an honor to meetyou.
- Nice to meetyou.
- And this is Larry.
Sir, I would like to apologize for all the injustices your people have suffered at the hands of my people.
- Larry.
- Larry, your people were in Latvia being chased by Cossacks.
- But iftheywere here, theywould've joined in.
- [ Exclaims .]
My people are joiners, and, for that, I apologize.
Apology accepted.
Sorry.
Last week, he apologized to a Chinese waiter for a halfhour for making him build the railroads.
[ Clears Throat .]
Mr.
Littlefox, um we understand thatyou're leaving the physical realm.
And I am a student ofindigenous cultures and ifthere's anything I can do to help.
I've been told that I do a very moving Paiute death chant.
- He's not Paiute.
- Oh.
Oh, geez, is my face red.
You oughta see it now.
Doyou mind ifwe just sit here and shared yourvibe? Okay, you guys.
You're embarrassing me in front of my friend.
I think George just needs some quiet time to himself now.
I know, but isn't there gonna be some sort of death ritual? I have all my drums and gourds in the van.
Actually, I do have some rituals I must perform.
Oh, cool.
All right.
So, what are they? Well, before I go, I must take the feathers from my headdress and let them loose in the wind.
- And at sunset, I must smoke a ceremonial pipe.
- Uh-huh? What doyou put in that pipe? Tobacco.
- Larry, this is his ritual.
- Yeah.
Um, what else doyou need, Mr.
Littlefiox? Some beetroot to paint my face.
How about Love That Red? Could work.
Good, okay.
So, headdress.
Uh, pipe, face paint.
What else? I must wrap myself in the skin of a bear.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Littlefox, but we don't condone the killing of animals for any purpose.
The killing oflndians, we had no problem with.
- Give it a rest, Lar, okay? - I won't give it a rest.
We took this man's land and cast him out into the desert.
And believe me, my people know about deserts.
- Fortyyears, we wandered through one.
- I know.
I know, and that's why we can't have an Egyptian car.
Okay.
[ Murmurs .]
I just thought of a place to get a bearskin rug.
- What, you're taking George? - Don't worry.
He's leaving his vibe.
Leaveyourvibe.
- [DoorCloses .]
- Oh, wow.
I can feel it.
Hey, don't bogart that vibe.
- Sorry about that.
- It's all right.
- Your father's very amusing.
- Thankyou.
- And your mother's very patient.
- Oh, you have no idea.
Now, this bearskin rug ofimine is very.
valuable.
When might I expect him to return it? Oh, that's the thing, Edward.
He's gonna be buried in it.
This guy here? He's not even dead.
Oh, he will be by- What doyou say, George, Saturday? I'm hoping Friday.
I don't wanna ruin yourweekend.
I'm confused here.
What the hell's wrong with a casket? Oh, I have had it with politicians.
Perhaps I could find a prominent businessman to speak at my function.
I'd be happy to do it.
Yes, well, let's not panic justyet.
Thankyou.
Dharma, who is your friend? You are, Kitty.
- Dharma.
- Oh.
This is George.
He wants to die in my rug.
[DoorOpens, Closes .]
- Okay, hand it over.
- Greg, what are you doing here? Dharma, on yourway over, when you stopped at the bank, Mr.
Littlefox here- - You followed me? - No, no.
Of course not.
I called a friend of mine at the F.
B.
I.
You had me followed by the F.
B.
I.
? Because that's who I know who follows people.
- Dharma, he went into a knife store.
- I know, Greg.
He was getting the handle on his hunting knife fixed.
He wanted to give it toyou as a present for letting him stay in our house.
God, I am so sorry about this, George.
That's all right.
Your husband really loves you.
Oh, yeah, right.
Ifhe loves me so much, he should "trust" me.
- Dharma- - Don't even start, Greg.
First, you have me followed and then you just rush on in here like a big old macho cowboy.
Don't say "cowboy" in front ofthe Indian.
That's okay.
I'm a big Dallas fan.
Ijust- [Stammering.]
God, I can't even talk to you right now.
- So, you are a Native American person.
- Yes.
- And you're dying.
- Thursday or Friday.
Does that mean you're free this evening? Sorry I caused you so much trouble.
No.
It's notyour fault my own husband doesn't trust myjudgment.
Well, you can't blame him.
He spends all his timewith lawyers and criminals.
Half ofthem, you can't trust.
And the other halfare criminals.
- It's actually kind offunny.
I'll use it in my speech.
- Thereyou go.
Thereyou are.
Oh- What is he wearing? I said traditional dress.
Kitty, it's Brooks Brothers.
It came with a vest.
Oh! I meant headdress, fur, leather,jewelry.
Sounds likeyour friends.
All right.
Well, we've got at least this little scarfwe can put on him.
And, uh, oh- Oh, here, my necklace.
- Put this on.
All right.
- This is nice.
Yes, well, I'm going to need this back.
- I get to keep the bearskin rug, right? - Oh, yes.
That's the deal.
Now, you keep him here and make sure that he has some good stories.
I rememberwhen 3Com Park was called Candlestick Park.
- That was threeyears ago.
- That long? [ Sighs .]
Oh, good Lord.
He's just an old man in a suit.
I told you she's fun to mess with.
- This place is nice.
- Yeah.
I wish we'd have been better fighters.
George, the sun's going down.
Here.
Oh, thankyou.
I can't believeyour father made this from a table leg.
He's a man of many talents.
Not really.
It's just the one.
Excuse me! There's no smoking here.
- But we're outside.
- I'm aware ofthat.
There's a city ordinance that prohibits smoking in public places.
Oh.
How about ifwe go over there where there's no people? No.
- What ifwe go to the parking lot? - No.
- Where can you smoke? - Las Vegas.
This is this man's sacred ritual.
Oh, I understand.
It was my "sacred ritual" for 1 2 years.
But I quit, and so can he.
He doesn't need to quit.
He's dying.
Hmm.
A connection maybe? Hmm.
Jerk-face, schmucko loser maybe? - What areyou doing? - Leave him alone.
- Give me that.
- You thinkyou're so tough taking a pipe away from a dying ma- See howyou do with a six-foot, blonde bag of"kickyour ass.
" You look nice.
Thanks.
- Really nice.
- Stop sucking up.
It's all I have.
- [Phone Rings .]
- Can you take a message for me? Oh, a favor? Yeah.
Sure thing.
No problem.
Don't have to ask me twice.
- Greg Montgomery's office.
- I'll put a good word in foryou.
Hold on.
Dharma's in jail.
You gotta go bail her out.
Pete, you're not comin' to dinner with Janet Reno.
- Take the call.
- Montgomery.
Okay.
I'll be right there.
- [Handset Clatters In Cradle .]
- Pete, you're goin' to dinnerwith Janet Reno.
Yes! I mean, I'm sorry about Dharma and everything.
But yes.
Yes.
- I need a favor.
- Another favor.
What is it with you? You gotta cover for me.
Janet Reno can't find out why I missed the dinner.
- What am I supposed to tell her? - Pete, you're a lawyer.
Lie.
But I'm a bad lawyer.
So, what exactly is the formal charge? - Smoking in a public place.
- Right on.
We are so proud ofyou.
- Forviolating the smoking ordinance? - Forviolating any ordinance.
Larry, I think I voted forthat one.
So what? We should protest all laws, especially those we believe in.
We cannot be slaves to our own beliefs.
Thereyou are.
Hi, Sergeant.
Greg Montgomery,Justice Department.
There's the paperwork.
- What areyou doing here? - Bailing you out.
Areyou nuts? This is San Francisco.
Doyou know how hard it is to get arrested in this town? You're supposed to be having dinner with Janet Reno.
Yeah.
Funny thing- I was on myway out the doorwhen I got a phone call.
- Did you call him? - Absolutely not.
Well, how did you find- You're having me followed again? - And it's a good thing too.
- God, you are unbelievable.
Dharma, I knew this guywould cause trouble.
- He didn't cause trouble.
I caused trouble.
- That's my girl.
- Oh, good.
Thereyou are.
- I've already bailed her out, Mother.
Splendid.
But I'm looking for the, um, Native American fellow.
He prefers "Indian.
" Oh! Why don't these people just pick something and stickwith it? - Where is he? - I thought he was with you.
No.
Oh, Lord.
He's vanished.
Oh, no, he couldn't have just vanished.
But ifhe's a shaman, he could have turned into a squirrel and scurried away.
Did you check in the trees? [ Sighs .]
I would have noticed a squirrel wearing a $5,000 necklace.
- You gave him your necklace? - Yes.
And a bearskin rug, a $200 speaking fee, and a Brooks Brothers suit.
I knew it.
I never should have trusted this guy.
- You never did.
- And I was right.
No, you weren't.
I'm sure he's just at the apartment.
Whywould he go to the apartment? He doesn't have a key.
- Wrong again.
- You gave him a key? Great! He's probably cleaned out the entire place by now.
Oh.
Oh, I loved that necklace.
Well, think about how he feels.
We took all his land, and, again all he winds up with is a string ofbeads.
[ Sighs .]
He's probably got my computer and theTV and your new mountain bike and- Yeah, he's riding over the Golden Gate Bridge right now watching cartoons and sending e-mail.
I just wanna seeyour face when you open the door and he's not there.
- He'll be there.
- Open the door.
I will.
- See? - He's probablyjust upstairs.
- George.
George.
Hold on.
- Dharma.
- George? - He's not here, Dharma.
That's- Greg, look.
The TV's here.
And the stereo's here and the computer.
He was smart enough not to come back.
He's still got the necklace and the money.
- He's coming back.
- Oh, come on, Dharma.
Admit it.
He ripped us off.
Now, I knowyou want to trust everyone, butyou can't.
You just can't.
That's not the world we live in.
Fine! You're right! Does that makeyou happy? Is that whatyou wanna hear? You're right! [Greg.]
Dharma? Dharma? I didn't get to say good-bye.
- And he was here all by himself.
- It's okay.
No, it's not okay, Greg.
[ Sighs .]
I was supposed to help him.
I know.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
[ Sniffles .]
Oh, God.
His headdress.
What? He didn't get to finish his ritual.
I'm supposed to- [ Sighs .]
He's supposed to let the feathers go out into the wind.
Here.
I guess now would be a really bad time to say "I told you so.
" I graduated at the top of my class from Stanford.
And, uh, I could've gone anywhere but I said to myself, "Greg Montgomery "you gotta work for the Justice Department give something back to the people.
" Ms.
Reno, is that your foot? It's a big foot.
It's 4 to 6 Foot!