Die Hart (2020) s01e07 Episode Script
The Great Escape
1
[PANTING]
[BIRDS CAWING, ANIMALS CHITTERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Goddamn it!
Motherfucking squirrels! Shit!
Get your ass out of here! Shoo!
Go, squirrel!
[IMITATES CHITTERING]
[SQUIRREL SNARLS] Motherfucker.
You better get your
ass back! You hear me?
I ain't scared of you.
You better keep it over
there, 'fore you get hurt.
You bring it over here, you'll
get what you want. Shit. Oh.
I see you. I ain't take my eye off you.
I got you locked in.
Stay back!
Stupid woods!
♪
[PANTING]
Oh. Thank God.
Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.
How you doing, man?
[PANTING]
Do you know you're trespassing?
Yes. I mean, no. No, I didn't.
I do now, but I
Sign posted right over there.
Only got two words on it
"no" and "trespassing."
Yep. I see it now.
I see it now. I didn't see
that when I when I came in,
'cause the way I came
in, my back was to that,
so I never caught that. I was
You're a a city boy, ain't you?
I kind of refer to
myself as a "city man."
[LAUGHS] Not a boy.
You could say "boy-man."
Whatever you What do you prefer?
Woods ain't safe for a city boy.
Much less a city man.
Okay.
I'm going to address the
elephant in the woods.
This whole Deliverance thing
that we got going on right now,
which is great, okay,
because it's working.
So, when things are working,
you give 'em the accolades
that they deserve.
I'm I'm uncomfortable, sir.
I'm actually scared, right?
So, now that we know
that, let me help this mood
by just telling you why I'm here.
I'm trying to use a
phone. You got a phone?
I want to use it real
quick, and I'm out of here.
Two minutes.
KEVIN: No, I'm not out of my mind.
As a matter of fact,
I'm very much in my mind.
The dude's trying to kill me.
DANNY: That's unfortunate.
What do you mean? Unfortunate?
Listen to me, Danny.
He's trying to kill me!
- No, totally. Kev, listen.
- [PHONE WHOOSHES]
I got huge news. Right? Ready?
Pound Pups Four.
Pound Pups Four.
They want you to voice Reggie,
a quick-witted,
short-tempered goldendoodle
who craves mischief.
- Did they ask for me directly?
- Yeah!
Now, listen, the the money's
not what you're used to making,
but this could be the role that
gets you back into good graces
with the comedy gods.
Hey, I
[CLEARS THROAT]
[HIGH-PITCHED]: Hey. I
Hi.
Hey, I'm Reggie, the goldendoodle,
and I'm ready to crave some mischief.
[LAUGHING]: Genius! You're a genius!
It's amazing! I'm in
the movie right now.
I'm watching the movie. [LAUGHS]
Now, normally, we'd, you know, counter,
negotiate a better
deal, blah, blah, blah.
I think we should close this
one. Huh? What do you think?
- [SIGHS]
- No. No, no, don't sigh.
Be happy.
This is good, Kev.
[SMACKS LIPS]
Ah, goddamn it.
Are you crying?
How did we get here, Danny?
Hmm? [SNIFFLES]
How did we get here?
Just tell me how we got here.
Look, stop beating yourself up.
Huh? You made a mistake.
You tried to be something you're not.
You're not an action
hero. You know that now.
So, is that a yes on Pound Pups Four?
- Oh
- [LOUD THUD]
WAYLON: Help!
Help me! I'm stuck!
DANNY: Kev?
Kevin, I need a verbal "yes" on this.
Kevin, don't let this go away, buddy.
- WAYLON: Help me!
- Kevin, goldendoodles.
You love dogs, Kevin!
- Help!
- Kevin?
- Help me!
- Oh, shit.
- [COUGHING] Help!
- Hey.
- Hey, you okay?
- No, my
- Oh, fuck.
- damn jack broke!
[GRUNTING] Shit!
It's on my chest.
- Hey.
- I can't breathe.
I'm gonna go call somebody
right now, man. Okay?
I'm gonna go call some
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Come on. You got to lift this truck.
You got to lift this truck!
Lift the fucking truck!
Come on, Kevin!
All right. Ready.
Three, two, one.
[YELLING]
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
- [YELLING]
- [COUGHING]
- [THUD]
- [COUGHING]
Oh.
You okay?
- [COUGHING]
- Breathe, man.
- Slow down.
- Ooh.
Take your time, all right?
Nice and slow. Get your breath back.
Oh, my God. You just saved my life.
- No. No, man.
- Oh oh, oh, yeah.
You're like a real-life Rambo.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I guess I kind of am.
[GRUNTS]
How can I ever repay you, sir?
Sir? No, man.
Wait. You don't know who I am?
You don't recognize me from
movies, TV, stand-up comedy?
Uh no.
♪
The name is Hart.
Agent Hart.
Now, you wouldn't happen
to know of a shortcut
back to Ron Wilcox's
Action School, would you?
- Wilcox property?
- Yeah.
Uh, yes, Agent. Uh
You can follow that path, and
it'll take you right to it.
Okay. I think I'm gonna go
and get on that trail
before the sun goes down.
Fuck that.
You ain't walking.
[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
- Oh, yeah.
- [ENGINE REVS]
- [BEEP]
- How was that?
CLAUDE: Phenomenal. We got it.
All right, that's a
wrap on creepy trailer!
[BUZZER SOUNDS, CHEERING]
- Well done, everyone.
- Good job, everybody.
- [WHOOPING, CHEERING]
- [BEEPING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
JORDAN: Stop!
Goddamn it! Stop!
You motherfuckers.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, bitch.
No! No!
Fuck!
- Oh.
- [LAUGHTER]
JOSH: Holy shit, Jordan.
You weren't joking.
He actually thinks we're
using real bullets today. Kev!
- [LAUGHTER]
- You told 'em?
- I'm sorry. It was funny.
- It's not fucking funny!
'Cause that man back there is a lunatic.
You're a fucking lunatic, Coach Ron.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe I am a lunatic.
Maybe I ought to just kill you!
Hey. No, Ron, hold up.
- Let me kill him.
- Stop it.
- No, me, me, me!
- [GRUNTS]
Stop it. Stop!
[GUNSHOTS] Know what, assholes?
Y'all want to fucking play the player.
Go ahead! Unload 'em all.
- All right.
- Now we're having fun.
[SHOUTING] [GUNSHOT]
After you.
Oh!
- Yeah.
- Ah.
[BULLET RICOCHETS]
Shit!
Holy shit.
- Maybe there was a bullet in there.
- [LAUGHING]
JOSH: You're a bad man.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Motherfucker, man!
[PANTING]
[BIRDS CAWING, ANIMALS CHITTERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Goddamn it!
Motherfucking squirrels! Shit!
Get your ass out of here! Shoo!
Go, squirrel!
[IMITATES CHITTERING]
[SQUIRREL SNARLS] Motherfucker.
You better get your
ass back! You hear me?
I ain't scared of you.
You better keep it over
there, 'fore you get hurt.
You bring it over here, you'll
get what you want. Shit. Oh.
I see you. I ain't take my eye off you.
I got you locked in.
Stay back!
Stupid woods!
♪
[PANTING]
Oh. Thank God.
Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.
How you doing, man?
[PANTING]
Do you know you're trespassing?
Yes. I mean, no. No, I didn't.
I do now, but I
Sign posted right over there.
Only got two words on it
"no" and "trespassing."
Yep. I see it now.
I see it now. I didn't see
that when I when I came in,
'cause the way I came
in, my back was to that,
so I never caught that. I was
You're a a city boy, ain't you?
I kind of refer to
myself as a "city man."
[LAUGHS] Not a boy.
You could say "boy-man."
Whatever you What do you prefer?
Woods ain't safe for a city boy.
Much less a city man.
Okay.
I'm going to address the
elephant in the woods.
This whole Deliverance thing
that we got going on right now,
which is great, okay,
because it's working.
So, when things are working,
you give 'em the accolades
that they deserve.
I'm I'm uncomfortable, sir.
I'm actually scared, right?
So, now that we know
that, let me help this mood
by just telling you why I'm here.
I'm trying to use a
phone. You got a phone?
I want to use it real
quick, and I'm out of here.
Two minutes.
KEVIN: No, I'm not out of my mind.
As a matter of fact,
I'm very much in my mind.
The dude's trying to kill me.
DANNY: That's unfortunate.
What do you mean? Unfortunate?
Listen to me, Danny.
He's trying to kill me!
- No, totally. Kev, listen.
- [PHONE WHOOSHES]
I got huge news. Right? Ready?
Pound Pups Four.
Pound Pups Four.
They want you to voice Reggie,
a quick-witted,
short-tempered goldendoodle
who craves mischief.
- Did they ask for me directly?
- Yeah!
Now, listen, the the money's
not what you're used to making,
but this could be the role that
gets you back into good graces
with the comedy gods.
Hey, I
[CLEARS THROAT]
[HIGH-PITCHED]: Hey. I
Hi.
Hey, I'm Reggie, the goldendoodle,
and I'm ready to crave some mischief.
[LAUGHING]: Genius! You're a genius!
It's amazing! I'm in
the movie right now.
I'm watching the movie. [LAUGHS]
Now, normally, we'd, you know, counter,
negotiate a better
deal, blah, blah, blah.
I think we should close this
one. Huh? What do you think?
- [SIGHS]
- No. No, no, don't sigh.
Be happy.
This is good, Kev.
[SMACKS LIPS]
Ah, goddamn it.
Are you crying?
How did we get here, Danny?
Hmm? [SNIFFLES]
How did we get here?
Just tell me how we got here.
Look, stop beating yourself up.
Huh? You made a mistake.
You tried to be something you're not.
You're not an action
hero. You know that now.
So, is that a yes on Pound Pups Four?
- Oh
- [LOUD THUD]
WAYLON: Help!
Help me! I'm stuck!
DANNY: Kev?
Kevin, I need a verbal "yes" on this.
Kevin, don't let this go away, buddy.
- WAYLON: Help me!
- Kevin, goldendoodles.
You love dogs, Kevin!
- Help!
- Kevin?
- Help me!
- Oh, shit.
- [COUGHING] Help!
- Hey.
- Hey, you okay?
- No, my
- Oh, fuck.
- damn jack broke!
[GRUNTING] Shit!
It's on my chest.
- Hey.
- I can't breathe.
I'm gonna go call somebody
right now, man. Okay?
I'm gonna go call some
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Come on. You got to lift this truck.
You got to lift this truck!
Lift the fucking truck!
Come on, Kevin!
All right. Ready.
Three, two, one.
[YELLING]
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
- [YELLING]
- [COUGHING]
- [THUD]
- [COUGHING]
Oh.
You okay?
- [COUGHING]
- Breathe, man.
- Slow down.
- Ooh.
Take your time, all right?
Nice and slow. Get your breath back.
Oh, my God. You just saved my life.
- No. No, man.
- Oh oh, oh, yeah.
You're like a real-life Rambo.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I guess I kind of am.
[GRUNTS]
How can I ever repay you, sir?
Sir? No, man.
Wait. You don't know who I am?
You don't recognize me from
movies, TV, stand-up comedy?
Uh no.
♪
The name is Hart.
Agent Hart.
Now, you wouldn't happen
to know of a shortcut
back to Ron Wilcox's
Action School, would you?
- Wilcox property?
- Yeah.
Uh, yes, Agent. Uh
You can follow that path, and
it'll take you right to it.
Okay. I think I'm gonna go
and get on that trail
before the sun goes down.
Fuck that.
You ain't walking.
[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
- Oh, yeah.
- [ENGINE REVS]
- [BEEP]
- How was that?
CLAUDE: Phenomenal. We got it.
All right, that's a
wrap on creepy trailer!
[BUZZER SOUNDS, CHEERING]
- Well done, everyone.
- Good job, everybody.
- [WHOOPING, CHEERING]
- [BEEPING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
JORDAN: Stop!
Goddamn it! Stop!
You motherfuckers.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, bitch.
No! No!
Fuck!
- Oh.
- [LAUGHTER]
JOSH: Holy shit, Jordan.
You weren't joking.
He actually thinks we're
using real bullets today. Kev!
- [LAUGHTER]
- You told 'em?
- I'm sorry. It was funny.
- It's not fucking funny!
'Cause that man back there is a lunatic.
You're a fucking lunatic, Coach Ron.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe I am a lunatic.
Maybe I ought to just kill you!
Hey. No, Ron, hold up.
- Let me kill him.
- Stop it.
- No, me, me, me!
- [GRUNTS]
Stop it. Stop!
[GUNSHOTS] Know what, assholes?
Y'all want to fucking play the player.
Go ahead! Unload 'em all.
- All right.
- Now we're having fun.
[SHOUTING] [GUNSHOT]
After you.
Oh!
- Yeah.
- Ah.
[BULLET RICOCHETS]
Shit!
Holy shit.
- Maybe there was a bullet in there.
- [LAUGHING]
JOSH: You're a bad man.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Motherfucker, man!