Dilbert (1999) s01e07 Episode Script
Tower of Babel
Shouldn't you be at work by now in your dehumanizing little cubicle squatting in quiet desperation? I've got a cold.
I.
E.
, the wussiest of all illnesses.
Come on, get dressed and go to work.
You know I like to have the house to myself in the late morning.
I hate when people go to work sick.
All they do is hack and cough and spread their germs and infect everyone else.
Just to be safe, it might be a good time to update your will.
"I, Dilbert, being of sound mind and sound body " I can't sign this.
My body isn't sound.
Typo.
" sound mind and round BODY " It's just a cold, and I'm this CLOSE TO FINDING THE CURE.
Look, I've already isolated the virus.
You mean bacteria.
That's a common misconception.
Colds are caused by viruses.
Bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division while viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell.
Well, you got a big ol' brain on you.
This microscopic, nuclear-powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus and destroys it with a highly focused sonic blast.
Okay.
I don't usually like to do this, but I feel sorry for you on so many levels.
Here.
This'll cure you immediately.
Really? What is it? A placebo.
A placebo.
Now that you told me it's a placebo it's not going to work.
It will if you think it will.
But I already know it's a placebo.
Maybe it isn't.
You just said it was.
That's precisely the power of the placebo.
No, thanks.
I'll try my method.
All right, give me the pill.
So, according to the market research the people most likely to buy our Gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group who are most likely to buy UFO abduction insurance.
Maybe we could package them.
Alice, you're sick.
Go home.
I'm not sick.
You're sick.
No.
I was sick.
Now I'm fine.
Oh, good for you.
It's your fault.
You gave it to me.
Well, you gave it to me before that.
You gave it to me before that.
Well, you gave it to me- You know, we've been passing the same cold back and forth for seven years.
Well, you started it.
It's these cubicles.
This wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors.
Or at least if I DID.
Can I have your sick days? Are you coming down with something? No, but why waste a sick day when you're sick? Because you're sick? Well, I'd rather be sick at the office.
They have soup and tea, and nobody bugs me.
Besides, I'm saving up sick days.
I've got nearly, uh, 12,000.
One day, I'll have enough to call in sick until I retire.
I'll trade one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes.
It'll appear on your desk tomorrow.
I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape.
Done and done.
If I had my own office I would just lock the door during cold season and never come out.
What about going to the bathroom? You know what I mean.
No.
I don't.
What's the difference? You'll never have an office in this company Or any other.
Ever.
You're an engineer.
I can still dream.
Look at this.
It's a minefield of germs.
Oh, my.
Alice, drink this.
Ahh that's good.
Lovely day, isn't it? Anyway, as you may have heard especially you 40 percent of our workforce has dropped dead from some sort of mysterious illness.
The heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants.
We don't know what's causing it.
But we have some hunches Funny! Be that as it may, the names of these valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be conclusively linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind us.
Their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the bottom line.
Questions? Yes, Loud Howard.
I I I've lost my voice.
Finally! Hooray! Thank God! Sorry, son.
I couldn't hear you.
Oh, me At this time, it gives me great pleasure to do this.
It also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of Dogbert's Private Environmental Protection Agency.
Him.
My research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect fecal matter present throughout this building.
And as the black light reveals, even in this very room What's that all about?! Highest concentrations of insect fecal matter were found to be present on Wally.
Eww! That's unsavory! Gross! I can't see.
Get away from me! Take a shower! You're disgusting! It's not my fault that flies like me.
So the insect fecal matter's making us sick? No, but I thought it was an interesting side note.
Unfortunately, this building like everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe, is dying.
We're doing what we can to make its last hours comfortable.
Clear! I have two recommendations, either of which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee.
One is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die.
What if I just pretend to watch? What's the other choice? To build a brand-new, incredibly over-budgeted ill-conceived headquarters.
Excuse me while I weigh those very, uh, weighty choices.
Does anyone know what "heads" means? Excuse me.
Can I see you? Can't you? Have I become invisible?! No.
Woo! You had me scared for a minute there.
I don't understand.
Every day, I water this silk tree but it hasn't grown an inch.
It's not a tree that grows silk.
It's made out of silk.
Probably needs more light.
Yeah.
Try that.
Uh, by the way, what, with the recent outbreak of disease here I think you made the right decision to build a new headquarters.
That's not why we're moving.
Get over yourself.
There's a much bigger issue at stake here.
There is? Yes.
Of course.
This building is a rectangle.
Almost square, but not quite.
Do you know what I mean? Rarely.
I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isosceles triangle.
An isosceles triangle? You think I'm mad, don't you, Dilbert? No.
You think I'm stupid? No.
Lazy? No.
Fat? No.
Well, I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my house.
I was thinking- You're gonna need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move.
Someone with first-rate engineering skills.
An aptitude for problem solving.
Way-above-average intelligence.
No, I think we should use someone who works at this COMPANY.
Well, I'd like to volunteer.
All I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors.
Oh I see your hidden agenda now.
You're the master of the obvious.
Well, no need to flatter me.
You've got the job.
And they said no engineer could have his own office.
I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters.
Let's visit site number two.
Okay, let's visit site number three.
So, I think the choice is pretty obvious.
Right.
We build on the cliffside.
Wait.
Wait.
What about the meadow? If you wanted the meadow why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs? But the meadow is so picturesque, so peaceful.
It's perfect.
Alice, tell him.
Uh-huh Wally, help me out here.
Uh, the meadow's only five minutes from your house.
Well I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow! Get the best of both worlds.
Or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff.
Will that work? Usually.
Well, in that case, why wait? The meadow it is.
And put your office smack dab next to mine.
As you can see, each floor will be portioned Into pie-shaped divisions So that at the center of the pie Where all the divisions converge Employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer.
Must stay awake Managers will have private offices As will one cunning engineer.
Now, any questions? I'm sorry, I don't speak fly.
Anyone else? Anybody? What will be the parking situation at the new headquarters? Good question.
We will have a state-of-the-art underground parking structure.
I'll be needing extra headroom.
How about it? Give it up for the Dil-man.
Hold my calls.
Hey, uh, Dilly.
Jimbo, Frankie and I are taking in a ball game tonight.
Afterwards we're going out for pizza, beers, maybe play a little darts.
What do you say? Who are you? Very funny.
I'm your old pal Tony from Sales.
I know we've never spoken before, but I love your take on the new headquarters.
Brilliant! STROKE OF GENIUS, REALLY.
I'm going to need some extra steps on the staircase.
You know, because of the legs.
Extra half steps on the stairs for multi-pods.
I'll see what I can do.
And don't put me next to the boss.
Hey, Dil.
Greg from Marketing.
We've never met, would never like each other in normal life, and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken bond.
Go on.
What, with the scales and what have you, I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to clean myself.
Okay.
Special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees.
I'll try.
Oh.
Don't put me next to the boss.
Hey, Dilby.
Now that I'm an exoskeleton, I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in my cubicle at 94 degrees Fahrenheit.
Otherwise, I'll die.
Special heating ducts for the skinless.
I can't promise anything, but- Okay.
I understand.
I'm not afraid of expiring, but just don't put me next to the boss.
Got it.
Hey, watch it.
Sorry.
We need to talk.
Right, right.
You know there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor.
How am I supposed to use a suggestion box? Maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who walk by.
Okay, but I'm going to need special pulleys and slides to get around the office and between floors and a customized keyboard and, uh, uh, lower toilets- much lower.
Okay, I'll check into it.
And I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss.
I'll need more leg room.
I have gills and I have to be in water.
I'm also deciduous.
More doorknobs.
I need a butt-rubbing tree.
Butt-rubbing tree, got it.
Keep him away from me.
Okay, I can put the swamp here, a butt-rubbing tree over here, lower these toilets All this just to get your own office.
It's worth it.
Do you really believe that all this is happening because of sick- building syndrome? I have no reason not to believe it.
What if it's all in their minds? Everything is in our minds, but when it causes us to grow an extra leg I think we need to take it seriously.
Okay, okay.
On a lighter note, I have a coupon for a free fecal wash.
No, thanks.
On the house.
On the house? Okay.
Wally, you got your stuff packed? It's time to go.
I'm not going anywhere, Dil-bzzz.
You okay? Do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead? Are you gonna use one of your sick days? No way.
I've banked 14 years worth of sick days.
It's time to cash them in and retire early.
Um Wally I hate to do this, but I think this might be a good time to tell you something.
Sick days don't accumulate, they expire.
And you can't trade sick days with other people.
We've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years.
It's easier than ordering from the catalog.
I guess it was kind of cruel in retrospect.
Uh Dil-bert? Yes? My nose.
It itches.
Try not to think about it.
Otherwise, your whole body will start itching.
Ah, moving day exciting, isn't it? You know, if this works out, maybe we'll do it every year.
What? Move? That's insane.
You've got to learn to think outside the box, Dilbert.
So, who's going to be in the office next to me Where all the action happens? The nerve center.
You've got the whole floor to yourself.
Excellent.
By the way, I forgot to tell you- I need to make a few minor alterations to the building.
Alterations? Teeny-tiny.
Nothing with nothing.
But Poquito.
Ca va? Like what? Well, remember that whole thing about the isosceles triangle? I had it all wrong.
I meant A TRAPEZOID.
It's already been built! You're in charge.
Make it happen.
Check back with me in a week.
That's the spirit! That's the end of that.
Dilbert! I must say I'm VERY impressed with the way the new headquarters has turned out.
It's so shiny and big.
And white.
And these portals.
You can actually see through them.
It's a miracle.
You mean the windows.
Yes and those magical moving stairs.
I mean, where do they all go? Anyway, you've done a bang-up job.
It's SO perfect.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's so PERFECT.
Too bad we can't afford to stay here.
What? I just saw the rent allocation budget.
Too rich for our blood.
We'll lease it to a more profitable company.
But but By the way, where's the cliff? Alice, you look a lot I was never sick! Yeah, that's what I meant to say.
Luckily, everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic environment.
I guess, as a species ultimately, we can adapt to anything.
Yay for us.
Everybody, I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new, healthier, old headquarters.
How is it healthier? Well, for one thing, we've added warning signs.
Hey, everybody I'm back to my old self.
Too bad.
Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder drugs.
"Plah-see-bos.
"
I.
E.
, the wussiest of all illnesses.
Come on, get dressed and go to work.
You know I like to have the house to myself in the late morning.
I hate when people go to work sick.
All they do is hack and cough and spread their germs and infect everyone else.
Just to be safe, it might be a good time to update your will.
"I, Dilbert, being of sound mind and sound body " I can't sign this.
My body isn't sound.
Typo.
" sound mind and round BODY " It's just a cold, and I'm this CLOSE TO FINDING THE CURE.
Look, I've already isolated the virus.
You mean bacteria.
That's a common misconception.
Colds are caused by viruses.
Bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division while viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell.
Well, you got a big ol' brain on you.
This microscopic, nuclear-powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus and destroys it with a highly focused sonic blast.
Okay.
I don't usually like to do this, but I feel sorry for you on so many levels.
Here.
This'll cure you immediately.
Really? What is it? A placebo.
A placebo.
Now that you told me it's a placebo it's not going to work.
It will if you think it will.
But I already know it's a placebo.
Maybe it isn't.
You just said it was.
That's precisely the power of the placebo.
No, thanks.
I'll try my method.
All right, give me the pill.
So, according to the market research the people most likely to buy our Gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group who are most likely to buy UFO abduction insurance.
Maybe we could package them.
Alice, you're sick.
Go home.
I'm not sick.
You're sick.
No.
I was sick.
Now I'm fine.
Oh, good for you.
It's your fault.
You gave it to me.
Well, you gave it to me before that.
You gave it to me before that.
Well, you gave it to me- You know, we've been passing the same cold back and forth for seven years.
Well, you started it.
It's these cubicles.
This wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors.
Or at least if I DID.
Can I have your sick days? Are you coming down with something? No, but why waste a sick day when you're sick? Because you're sick? Well, I'd rather be sick at the office.
They have soup and tea, and nobody bugs me.
Besides, I'm saving up sick days.
I've got nearly, uh, 12,000.
One day, I'll have enough to call in sick until I retire.
I'll trade one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes.
It'll appear on your desk tomorrow.
I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape.
Done and done.
If I had my own office I would just lock the door during cold season and never come out.
What about going to the bathroom? You know what I mean.
No.
I don't.
What's the difference? You'll never have an office in this company Or any other.
Ever.
You're an engineer.
I can still dream.
Look at this.
It's a minefield of germs.
Oh, my.
Alice, drink this.
Ahh that's good.
Lovely day, isn't it? Anyway, as you may have heard especially you 40 percent of our workforce has dropped dead from some sort of mysterious illness.
The heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants.
We don't know what's causing it.
But we have some hunches Funny! Be that as it may, the names of these valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be conclusively linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind us.
Their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the bottom line.
Questions? Yes, Loud Howard.
I I I've lost my voice.
Finally! Hooray! Thank God! Sorry, son.
I couldn't hear you.
Oh, me At this time, it gives me great pleasure to do this.
It also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of Dogbert's Private Environmental Protection Agency.
Him.
My research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect fecal matter present throughout this building.
And as the black light reveals, even in this very room What's that all about?! Highest concentrations of insect fecal matter were found to be present on Wally.
Eww! That's unsavory! Gross! I can't see.
Get away from me! Take a shower! You're disgusting! It's not my fault that flies like me.
So the insect fecal matter's making us sick? No, but I thought it was an interesting side note.
Unfortunately, this building like everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe, is dying.
We're doing what we can to make its last hours comfortable.
Clear! I have two recommendations, either of which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee.
One is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die.
What if I just pretend to watch? What's the other choice? To build a brand-new, incredibly over-budgeted ill-conceived headquarters.
Excuse me while I weigh those very, uh, weighty choices.
Does anyone know what "heads" means? Excuse me.
Can I see you? Can't you? Have I become invisible?! No.
Woo! You had me scared for a minute there.
I don't understand.
Every day, I water this silk tree but it hasn't grown an inch.
It's not a tree that grows silk.
It's made out of silk.
Probably needs more light.
Yeah.
Try that.
Uh, by the way, what, with the recent outbreak of disease here I think you made the right decision to build a new headquarters.
That's not why we're moving.
Get over yourself.
There's a much bigger issue at stake here.
There is? Yes.
Of course.
This building is a rectangle.
Almost square, but not quite.
Do you know what I mean? Rarely.
I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isosceles triangle.
An isosceles triangle? You think I'm mad, don't you, Dilbert? No.
You think I'm stupid? No.
Lazy? No.
Fat? No.
Well, I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my house.
I was thinking- You're gonna need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move.
Someone with first-rate engineering skills.
An aptitude for problem solving.
Way-above-average intelligence.
No, I think we should use someone who works at this COMPANY.
Well, I'd like to volunteer.
All I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors.
Oh I see your hidden agenda now.
You're the master of the obvious.
Well, no need to flatter me.
You've got the job.
And they said no engineer could have his own office.
I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters.
Let's visit site number two.
Okay, let's visit site number three.
So, I think the choice is pretty obvious.
Right.
We build on the cliffside.
Wait.
Wait.
What about the meadow? If you wanted the meadow why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs? But the meadow is so picturesque, so peaceful.
It's perfect.
Alice, tell him.
Uh-huh Wally, help me out here.
Uh, the meadow's only five minutes from your house.
Well I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow! Get the best of both worlds.
Or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff.
Will that work? Usually.
Well, in that case, why wait? The meadow it is.
And put your office smack dab next to mine.
As you can see, each floor will be portioned Into pie-shaped divisions So that at the center of the pie Where all the divisions converge Employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer.
Must stay awake Managers will have private offices As will one cunning engineer.
Now, any questions? I'm sorry, I don't speak fly.
Anyone else? Anybody? What will be the parking situation at the new headquarters? Good question.
We will have a state-of-the-art underground parking structure.
I'll be needing extra headroom.
How about it? Give it up for the Dil-man.
Hold my calls.
Hey, uh, Dilly.
Jimbo, Frankie and I are taking in a ball game tonight.
Afterwards we're going out for pizza, beers, maybe play a little darts.
What do you say? Who are you? Very funny.
I'm your old pal Tony from Sales.
I know we've never spoken before, but I love your take on the new headquarters.
Brilliant! STROKE OF GENIUS, REALLY.
I'm going to need some extra steps on the staircase.
You know, because of the legs.
Extra half steps on the stairs for multi-pods.
I'll see what I can do.
And don't put me next to the boss.
Hey, Dil.
Greg from Marketing.
We've never met, would never like each other in normal life, and yet since I've become reptilian I feel we have an unspoken bond.
Go on.
What, with the scales and what have you, I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to clean myself.
Okay.
Special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees.
I'll try.
Oh.
Don't put me next to the boss.
Hey, Dilby.
Now that I'm an exoskeleton, I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in my cubicle at 94 degrees Fahrenheit.
Otherwise, I'll die.
Special heating ducts for the skinless.
I can't promise anything, but- Okay.
I understand.
I'm not afraid of expiring, but just don't put me next to the boss.
Got it.
Hey, watch it.
Sorry.
We need to talk.
Right, right.
You know there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor.
How am I supposed to use a suggestion box? Maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who walk by.
Okay, but I'm going to need special pulleys and slides to get around the office and between floors and a customized keyboard and, uh, uh, lower toilets- much lower.
Okay, I'll check into it.
And I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss.
I'll need more leg room.
I have gills and I have to be in water.
I'm also deciduous.
More doorknobs.
I need a butt-rubbing tree.
Butt-rubbing tree, got it.
Keep him away from me.
Okay, I can put the swamp here, a butt-rubbing tree over here, lower these toilets All this just to get your own office.
It's worth it.
Do you really believe that all this is happening because of sick- building syndrome? I have no reason not to believe it.
What if it's all in their minds? Everything is in our minds, but when it causes us to grow an extra leg I think we need to take it seriously.
Okay, okay.
On a lighter note, I have a coupon for a free fecal wash.
No, thanks.
On the house.
On the house? Okay.
Wally, you got your stuff packed? It's time to go.
I'm not going anywhere, Dil-bzzz.
You okay? Do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead? Are you gonna use one of your sick days? No way.
I've banked 14 years worth of sick days.
It's time to cash them in and retire early.
Um Wally I hate to do this, but I think this might be a good time to tell you something.
Sick days don't accumulate, they expire.
And you can't trade sick days with other people.
We've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years.
It's easier than ordering from the catalog.
I guess it was kind of cruel in retrospect.
Uh Dil-bert? Yes? My nose.
It itches.
Try not to think about it.
Otherwise, your whole body will start itching.
Ah, moving day exciting, isn't it? You know, if this works out, maybe we'll do it every year.
What? Move? That's insane.
You've got to learn to think outside the box, Dilbert.
So, who's going to be in the office next to me Where all the action happens? The nerve center.
You've got the whole floor to yourself.
Excellent.
By the way, I forgot to tell you- I need to make a few minor alterations to the building.
Alterations? Teeny-tiny.
Nothing with nothing.
But Poquito.
Ca va? Like what? Well, remember that whole thing about the isosceles triangle? I had it all wrong.
I meant A TRAPEZOID.
It's already been built! You're in charge.
Make it happen.
Check back with me in a week.
That's the spirit! That's the end of that.
Dilbert! I must say I'm VERY impressed with the way the new headquarters has turned out.
It's so shiny and big.
And white.
And these portals.
You can actually see through them.
It's a miracle.
You mean the windows.
Yes and those magical moving stairs.
I mean, where do they all go? Anyway, you've done a bang-up job.
It's SO perfect.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's so PERFECT.
Too bad we can't afford to stay here.
What? I just saw the rent allocation budget.
Too rich for our blood.
We'll lease it to a more profitable company.
But but By the way, where's the cliff? Alice, you look a lot I was never sick! Yeah, that's what I meant to say.
Luckily, everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic environment.
I guess, as a species ultimately, we can adapt to anything.
Yay for us.
Everybody, I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new, healthier, old headquarters.
How is it healthier? Well, for one thing, we've added warning signs.
Hey, everybody I'm back to my old self.
Too bad.
Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder drugs.
"Plah-see-bos.
"