Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

My slipper! Stan! At least he didn't touch this one.
Hey, I was looking for that! What do you have against me?! "Top ten things I have against Ellen.
" Number ten: she hates dogs.
That's also reasons one through nine.
This is my third slipper in a month.
Why does he only eat my slippers? Mom, I'm sure you're just exaggerating.
Oh, really? He doesn't touch your father's slippers, and his feet, for some reason, smell naturally of ham.
And I'll add that to the list of disturbing things I've learned about my parents.
Well, you should knock before entering a room.
And you should pumice your own feet.
Why do you have to do each other's? We could dance separately too.
Some things are more fun as a couple.
The point is, I have had it with that dog.
I am this close to babygating the whole place.
You really think that's a good idea? Did you ever think that Stan doesn't like you because he senses that you don't like dogs? Seriously? That's like saying you don't like joy or smiles or arthritic squirrels-- so easy to catch.
But dogs are loyal and loving and provide companionship.
So we chew up a few slippers, or a purse.
Mmm.
Prada.
Haven't had Italian in a while.
Dog With a Blog S01E07 The Parrot Trap Rebecca, I think we made some real progress today dealing with your shyness, don't you think? Okay, we'll start over from square one next time.
Are you spying on dad's patient? It's Rebecca Davis.
She's one of the prettiest girls in school, but she won't give me the time of day.
Hey, Rebecca.
Do you know that time it is? But since she's dad's patient, I can learn all about her and use that information to get her to like me.
Like if she's afraid of heights I can approach her like this.
But what if she's afraid of incredible ridiculous stupid walks? Dad'll cure her.
Who thought he was a bagel.
I just have to find out what's wrong with her.
But dad can't tell you about his patients.
So even if you did land a date with her, you'd have to hide it from dad.
And hide it from her that he's your dad, which means never bringing her here or telling her anything about your family.
Yeah.
I'm seeing nothing but green lights.
Stan, this is not gonna help you with mom.
How can I like her when she doesn't like me? She calls herself a cat person.
Sure, she's mainly insulting herself, but how do you think that makes me feel? Mom, I think Stan senses that you don't like him.
I don't.
I'm a cat person.
It does sound hurtful the way you say it.
Dinner's ready.
Where's my oven mitt? Are you seeing this?! That dog chews through everything of mine! I have had it.
I can't live like this.
Mom, you're upset.
Let's talk about it rationally.
You'll feel better if you just sit down and relax.
He chewed through my chair! Darn! I was so busy eating the buttons off her coat I missed it! I'm sure he chewed through mine, too.
Man, these chairs are rock solid.
Bennett! Do something! I'm on it.
Bennett, that dog has chewed through the last of my things.
We are getting a doghouse and keeping Stan in the backyard.
Maybe I went too far.
Better go hide that coat.
Those buttons aren't gonna finish their fantastic voyage until tomorrow.
I will not have that dog making me look foolish in my own home! Oh, mom, you're not still reading that doghouse catalog, are you? Did you know they have a whole section of prison-themed ones for bad dogs? Can't decide between "Barkatraz" Or "San quin-tin-tin.
" Look, before you put Stan outside, I just want you to consider that maybe stan has a problem with you because you have a problem with him.
I whipped up a little powerpoint on the benefits of bonding with an animal.
"The benefits of enrolling your son in military school"? Oopsy-daisy, that's for another time.
All right, here we go.
Bonding with an animal can lower your blood pressure.
It helps you live longer.
And people who bond with animals are warmer, kinder people.
Are you saying I'm not a warm, kind person?! No, no, no, you are.
You just need to embrace that part of yourself.
And Animals will embrace you.
That'll be the day.
Mom, you're the only one who doesn't get along with Stan.
Don't you ever feel like you're missing out? Hey, guys! Anyone want to play charades? Okay, I'll play by myself.
"Footloose.
" You're good at this, Ellen.
No.
I never feel like I'm missing out.
If anyone's missing out, Stan's missing out.
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm a hoot and a half.
Yes, I believe I've said that to you twice.
But you could be upwards of two hoots If you also became an animal person.
But I am an animal person.
Really? What about that camel? They spit on everybody! The zookeeper said it was most spit he'd ever seen.
I only wish I hadn't had my mouth open.
I just want you to feel what it's like to bond with an animal Like we do.
Hello, Stan.
I see your point.
I will give it a try.
I got a parrot! Hello! Meet our new pet lucy.
Pet? New? That would seem to suggest there's an old pet somewhere.
Wait a minute You got a bird? Mom, that's not what I meant.
Did I mislead you with the use of the word "Hoot"? Why does mommy get a bird? You wouldn't let me keep that bird that Stan gave me.
That was half a bird, sweetie.
But I glued it to the half a mouse he brought me.
I miss my bouse.
The great thing about this pet is, she can talk.
Say, "I love Ellen.
" I love Ellen.
Come on! I can talk.
That's my thing! This is so frustrating.
Quiet, Stan.
Lucy's talking.
Quiet, Stan.
This just got personal.
Are you always so smart? Is that bird tame? My bouse never did that.
He just laid quietly on my pillow and smelled funny.
Maybe that was just too many people.
Excuse me, girls.
Let your daddy handle this.
Hello there, pretty-- Don't worry.
Lucy's very nice.
She's just adjusting.
She just pooped all over your shoe.
I'm an animal person, so it doesn't faze me.
And her claws are digging into my hand, which also doesn't faze me.
I'm just gonna go get Lucy in her cage, Change my shoes, and field dress this wound.
Okay, I think we've made a real breakthrough in your shyness, Rebecca.
In fact, you might even be ready for a joke.
Knock knock.
Okay, maybe next week we'll find out who's there! Still no progress with patient "R.
" I didn't even get to finish my joke.
Without going into much detail, it was "Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo.
Boo who? Don't cry.
" Ha ha ha! - Hello! - Dad.
You need any help? Any insight into the teenage mind? You mean like with that really pretty girl who was just here? Was there a pretty girl here? I didn't notice.
What's her problem? Tyler, one of us knows what you're doing.
Is it me? Let's get something straight.
This is my family, and I don't like you horning in.
I'm the one who's special-- I talk! I talk.
You don't talk.
You just repeat what I say.
You just repeat what I say.
You just repeat what I say.
You just repeat what I say.
You just repeat what I say.
You just repeat what I say.
That's parroting.
Oh, that's where that comes from! Stan, are you sleeping through this? What do you think? I am dog tired.
Oh, that's where that comes from! What a horrible night! I was dreaming that I was a bird, and when I opened my mouth, The only thing that came out was-- Was that me? Did Lucy wake you guys up too? No.
The horrific squawking was very restful.
I'm sorry.
You know how exhaustion makes me sarcastic.
Nice jammies, little timmy.
Yeah, I really need some sleep.
I see you guys are up to say good morning to Lucy.
Isn't it nice to have an early morning wake-up call? We can all get a jump on the day.
Isn't that a pretty song you're singing, Lucy? You sound like two velociraptors fighting over a bagpipe.
What are we gonna do? We can't live like this! Ooh.
What if we cover the cage? Maybe the bird will sleep until we uncover it.
I know.
Why don't we try this tonight? Well, it wasn't the best blanket your grandma ever knitted-- Just the last.
Wow, the bird is so quiet.
No wonder we slept so late.
Hey, you know what, maybe she's finally adjusted to her new environ-- Hit the dirt! Come here, Lucy! Come here, sweetie! Come to mommy! Protect your eyes! Isn't she the cutest, sweetest thing? Boy, if I had a boulder I could kill two birds with one stone.
Oh, that's where that comes from! Oh, she had a little accident on my head again.
No, false alarm.
Just blood.
It's funny.
She thinks I'm a field mouse.
- Mom.
- Yes? When I suggested that you become an animal person, I didn't mean for you to become the bird lady of crazytown.
Maybe you're just not animal people.
But Lucy is my pet and I love her.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bleed into a cup and feed it to her.
It's the only thing that relaxes her talons.
Dad, isn't there something we can do? I've tried, but your mother just will not admit that that bird was a mistake.
You know what? I'm gonna call the pet store and see if they have any advice for how to handle her.
- The bird or mom? - I'll take either one.
Shh! Dad can get all the advice from the pet store that he wants, but we have to get rid of this bird.
- Why? - Because it's keeping us up all night, raggedy ann! I really need some sleep.
Oh.
That was the bird? I thought it was mommy screaming at daddy to wash his stinkin' ham feet.
We've gotta make mom hate this bird as much as we do.
Oh! What if the bird steals her identity and opens a pizza parlor for dogs called pizza mutt? Even if it doesn't get rid of the bird, there'll be a pizza parlor for dogs! Or what if we say the bird spilled mommy's expensive perfume in the toilet? 'cause somebody did that.
No.
What we are gonna do is make the bird say things that mom's not gonna like.
- Why isn't Tyler helping? - Because Tyler's a jerk.
Tyler's a jerk.
Good! But you gotta insult mom.
Try saying, "Ellen can't cook.
Ellen can't cook.
" Ellen can't cook.
Ellen can't cook.
You're telling me.
Why do you think I was spraying perfume in the bathroom? You cured my shyness, dr.
James! Thank you! Well, I am a noted child psychologist-- - Daddy? - Yes! - Hey, hi! - What's wrong with Rebecca? Chloe, this is for Tyler, isn't it? You're right.
He said he'd give me a dollar.
I'm sorry.
But just between us? I'm gonna tell you what I told your brother: I can't talk about my patients' problems.
Too bad, 'cause then I'm gonna have to tell everybody you were talking to a toy sheep.
And I'm going to have to tell everybody that you still wear pull ups.
We could do this all day.
I've got proof.
Your move.
No tv for a week.
Your move.
Not working.
Fine.
Brilliant, Dr.
James! You outsmarted a 6-year-old! Almost 7.
Ellen can't cook.
Ellen can't cook.
Mom, that's horrible! Ellen snores.
Mommy, get rid of this bird.
It's rude, and I think it spilled your perfume.
Ellen laughs like a donkey.
I see what you kids are doing.
I am not getting rid of Lucy.
I love this bird.
Seriously, kids, was that the best plan you could come up with? Don't look at me.
You brought that screeching beast in here.
Then you let her get a bird.
Everybody knows that Lucy just repeats what she's heard around the house.
- Bennett's work is derivative.
- Ellen! I was reading the reviews of your last book out loud.
Save your money! Mom, do you really like this bird? Yes! Now come on, Lucy, help me with breakfast.
We'll make eggs for everyone else, and the tip of my index finger for you.
Why did I have to make such a big stand about being an animal person? Now I'm stuck with you, you stupid, awful, wretched Who's my special lady? You know, honey, I can't say that I'm crazy about the bird, but I am relieved that you're getting along with her so well.
You know, peer reviewed studies say that people who don't like animals can be heartless and antisocial with no ability to bond with other living things.
Well, that's not me! This bird and I are besties! Well, that's good, because did you know they could live to be 70 years old? I certainly did not.
Seventy years.
Hello? Dr.
Brooks! Yeah, thanks for calling me back about Rebecca.
Listen, I'm a little stuck on her treatment, and I could use your input.
Yes.
Could you hold on one second, doctor? I've been playing phone tag with these people.
Do you mind if I take it? Great.
One second.
Hello? Yeah, uh, listen, about that parrot you sold us.
She's become really hostile and aggressive.
Do you have any recommendations? Hold on one second.
I want to write these down.
"Put grapes into her mouth directly by hand.
" Got it.
"Massage the back of her head using thumb and forefinger.
" Wow, that's, uh, that's very specific.
Let me ask you this: what if she gets agitated? Really? Okay.
"Blow briskly into her face.
" Hey, Rebecca.
Can I talk to you for a sec? - Uh, well - just one second.
What-- - What are you-- - shh! I know what I'm doing.
Please stop.
- Are you agitated? - Yes.
I can help with that.
What are you doing?! I'm sorry.
Clearly I've gone about this all wrong.
Now open up.
Mom? Do you have the bird? No, she's stretching her wings in the family room.
The patio door's open.
She's gone! Oh, no! Lucy's escaped? - Mom, are you smiling? - No! No.
I'm just trying to be strong.
She's gone.
She's really gone.
So strong.
Now that's she's gone, I feel kinda guilty.
She wasn't really that bad.
She was just a cute little-- You're kidding me! Couldn't she have flown into a power cable or something?! Shh shh! Nobody make any sudden noises.
We don't want to scare her away.
Quiet.
Quiet Quiet! Quiet! No one scare the bird!!! I'm sorry.
I hate that bird, bennett.
And I tried.
I tried everything the pet store said.
With the grapes and the blowing and the thumb and forefinger massage That was for the bird? Excuse me, I gotta go straighten something out.
Ellen, did you let her out? No.
But I was glad when she was gone.
Animals hate me! Peer reviewed studies say I'm heartless and antisocial with no ability to bond with other living things.
Aw, look at that face.
Gotta do my dog thing.
Mom, see? Stan does love you.
He knows that you're a good person.
I am.
I am a good person.
Thanks, Stan.
Oh, we may have had our differences, but you're still part of my pack.
Aw.
And I'll never make you an outdoor dog.
I bet he'll never steal my slippers again.
Hey, don't go reading too much into this.
I'm throwing you a pity lick.
But I do want to know where you're hiding those buttons you tore off my coat.
No, you don't.
But what's gonna happen to Lucy? There's that lovely flock of wild parrots at the park that she'll make friends with-- or eat.
Either way, she'll be fine.
So, who opened the patio door? - I didn't.
- I did not.
I fantasized about it, but I didn't Stan? It doesn't matter how the bird got out.
The important thing is, that flying technicolor rat is gone.
So now that we have an empty cage, can I keep my squake in there? A squake? What is that, a half-squirrel, half-snake? No.
It's a half-squirrel on a piece of cake.
He's in the fridge.
I think I ate him.
Bennett was right-- he did eat the squake.
And Lucy ended up okay.
I was walking in the park, and she paid me a little visit.
Darn thing scared the buttons out of me.
Hey.
Thanks for meeting me.
You're not going to fruit me, are you? Look, I'm really sorry about that.
You also blew in my face.
I was trying to get to know you, but you were so hard to approach.
Some guys say you're stuck up, but I don't think that's true.
And I'm not perfect.
I do dumb things.
Sometimes with fruit.
You want to go out sometime? First of all, I'm not stuck up.
I'm just really shy.
But I really do appreciate that you made an effort to get to know me.
No one does that.
I'm just trying to decide if you're a nice guy I should take a chance with or if this whole thing is just way too weird.
My vote is for "Nice guy.
" I wish there was a sign or something to help me to decide.
Tyler's a jerk.
Okey, then.
Wait.
That's just one bird's opinion.
Tyler's a jerk.
Tyler's a jerk.
Oh, come on!