Dollface (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
F*** Buddy
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
JULES: "Ooh, I'm Melyssa.
I'm so skinny and my hair's so shiny and I spell my own name wrong.
" RAMONA: [ON PHONE.]
Hey, y'all, it's Ramona! Don't leave a voicemail, it's 2019! - [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Hey, Ramona, it's Jules.
Just, uh, casually calling to check in.
Um, just getting so excited for your wedding.
Speaking of your wedding, um, God, you must be so busy getting all your RSVPs from your friends and your family and your brother and any plus-one he may or may not be bringing.
Is he, um, bringing anybody? Uh, because I don't care.
And I'm just making sure that you know that I don't care.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Anyway, that is not even why I'm calling.
Um, I'm calling to say bye! [EXHALES, CLEARS THROAT.]
Cool grandma, you fucking slut.
[CHOKES.]
Hmm-mm, hmm-mm! Ehhhh! No! [SOBS.]
911, what is your emergency? I think I just liked my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's Instagram.
CAT LADY: [ON PHONE.]
Remain calm, ma'am.
How many weeks back - was the photo from? - JULES: Um Three hundred and forty-two.
Good God! That's a fucking disaster! Burn your phone and then kill yourself! What?! You're 911, don't tell me to kill myself! Okay, don't panic.
Even though you definitely should.
The paramedics are on their way.
Oh, you know what, I'm just gonna unlike the photo.
CAT LADY: No, God, no! Oh! Um, oh, uh-oh.
Um, I also I unliked it, but then I liked it again.
[SCREAMING.]
Where is it? Do you know if she has notifications turned on? - I I don't know.
- Do you have followers in common? I don't think so.
Ooh, I guess Jeremy? - This is hopeless.
- We're not supposed to say that, Amy.
- How long ago did you like it? - Thirty seconds.
She's seen it.
[PARAMEDIC SIGHS.]
Ma'am, we're gonna need you to step inside.
[UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING.]
What's up, Oliver? Daddy's home! - How's my favorite house-sitter? - STELLA: Oh.
I'm fine, but your fiddle-leaf is going through something.
Oh, God.
Twenty-six hours from Jo-burg with a layover in Qatar.
Well, there's a joint rolled and takeout's on the way.
I got us two green curries this time, plus the noodle dish with the chilies on the side.
"Pedric" should be here in 18 minutes.
You're a goddess.
And 18 minutes that should give us just enough time WOMAN: [ON TV.]
I'm so grateful because I know He can't keep Lauren S.
, he can't.
She wore overalls on the group date.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Did he say Lauren S.
? MAN: [ON TV.]
Lauren S.
- IZZY: What? - MADISON: Oh! Oh! STELLA: No! Uh, Jules, if you're cleaning 'cause you're upset, can you at least start on the bathroom? I'm not upset.
Except, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was looking at that girl that Jeremy went out with on Instagram and I accidentally liked one of her pictures.
That's not that big of a deal, though, right? Uh, that's a huge deal.
Not only are you fully telegraphing to Jeremy that you're still obsessed with him, you are focusing your issues with a guy on another girl, - which frankly reads a little unfeminist.
- [WOMAN ON TV CRYING.]
Oh, yeah, you better cry, cankles.
Ride that limo to hell.
- Did you at least unlike the photo? - JULES: Yes.
I unliked it, then I liked it again [CLEARS THROAT.]
but then I unliked it.
- Very cool.
- Are you insane? Any normal functioning human being has their push notifications on.
- Mine aren't.
- STELLA: Oh, my God.
Just realized I wasn't even following you.
Oh, can you follow me? I'm at - Nope.
- [STAMMERING.]
Look, this is happening 'cause you are sitting around obsessing over Jeremy 24 hours a day.
Look, he's moved on, so should you.
I mean, I have been texting a little bit with that guy Wes, the veterinarian.
He sent me this gif the other night of a cat that was stuck in a hammock.
The cat was like, "Oh, no, meow-meow-meow, hammock!" [BOOING.]
You are not calling Dr.
Pussycat.
He's total boyfriend material.
Knowing you, you'll go on one date and we won't hear from you for five years.
Hey, I feel like I'm being reverse slut-shamed here.
Isn't finding a boyfriend the reason we go on dates? No! We go on dates to have fun and justify the purchase of cute clothes.
Not every guy has to turn into a boyfriend.
It's like the photographer who I'm house-sitting for.
We hook up whenever he's in town and it's totally casual.
So you live with a guy and you sleep with him.
Tell me how that's casual again? He travels constantly.
So you're in a long-distance relationship with your boyfriend, who you live with? No.
You don't get it at all.
Wait if I have a boyfriend then I've cheated on him like a lot.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
I need to move on.
Now, how do I do that again? What you need right now is a Hot JOT.
- A hot what? - JOT.
J-O-T.
As in "Just One Thing.
" A Hot JOT is a hot guy who has Just One Thing wrong with him.
So you can hook up with him, but you'll never be tempted to actually date him.
Yeah, ideally I would find a guy like that, but I don't know where I would - - [GROOVY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Good afternoon, little lady.
Now, you look like someone who's ready to take home the man of her dreams today, am I right? - Anyone specific you got your eye on? - No, I'm just looking.
You know, we have this guy who just became available.
This here, this is Aiden.
Aiden is a 1985, he's an architect, and he is a great gift-giver.
It's nice to meet you.
[GIGGLING.]
Hiiiii Ahem.
Yeah, Aiden seems great for a rebound.
Oh, a rebound? Unfortunately, our gentlemen in the showroom aren't available for a short-term lease situation.
These guys are all boyfriend material in here.
Hmm.
But we've got some amazing hot JOTs on the back lot.
All these are as-is, ready to go home tonight.
This is Neil.
Neil is 6'5", he's an accountant, he's close to his family Um, that sounds pretty good.
And just one thing, he's absolutely certain the government did 9-11.
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams.
Oh, okay, maybe we keep looking.
- Fair enough.
- How do you explain Building 7? DEALER: This is Greg.
Greg studied Political Science at Berkeley and takes his grandmother to church every Sunday.
- [CAR TIRES SCREECH.]
- Oh, God.
Does that come off? I'm sure the boys in the back can remove that.
I always wear this.
Okay, okay.
Sorry about the thumb ring.
I've got a good feeling about you, and I don't introduce this guy to everybody.
Ryan.
Ryan is the youngest partner at his law firm, and he's technically related to the Kennedy family.
Okay, what is it? In my spare time, I really love to play with Legos.
I'll take him.
- Yes! - Up high! [RYAN LAUGHS.]
I was thinking for dinner, I might try to whip up this dish I had in Cape Town called bunny chow.
- Oh - Oh, no, no, no.
There're no actual bunnies in it.
No, I just I just didn't assume we were automatically having dinner together.
Oh, my bad, do you have plans? No.
But you don't know that.
Okay Oh, did the guy come to read the gas meter while I was away? I don't know.
Was I expected to stay here all day while you go out and work? Uh kind of, yeah.
Well, you can forget it.
I'm not doing it.
O kay.
Well, I'll call them and maybe they'll come later in the week.
Great.
[STELLA SIGHS.]
I'm the one? Hey.
He's gonna be here any minute.
I'm just so nervous.
You're gonna be fine.
You just have to remember: your instincts are gonna want you to get monogamous.
And you have to ignore those instincts at all costs.
Oh, shit, I see him coming.
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
MADISON: Wait.
Did you remember to shave? Did you remember to shave So it's really actually a study in engineering.
Sure, the Legos come with instructions, but there's plenty of room for customization as well.
- Uh-huh.
- And ultimately I'd say the most complex structure I've done is transforming the Hogwarts set into an authentic French village.
Now, I know what you're gonna ask: what did you do with the spire? - Freshly ground pepper? - Oh, no, thank you.
So repurposing some of the grass from the top of Hagrid's hut, I was able to construct the patisserie.
Hey, girlfriend, I'm your instinct to form an emotional bond.
Shall we ask him about his family, like is he close with his mom? No, I'm fine, thank you.
RYAN: It's a shame I had to send it back, but the subscription plan is pretty strict, so I took a lot of pictures.
Hi, I'm your instinct to make a physical connection.
I really feel like you should take his hand.
Actually, Madison told me to ignore my instincts, but thank you so much.
Maybe that was my Moby Dick.
Totally.
That is so interesting.
What's the difference between the flat pieces and the blocky ones? [EX'S AND OH'S BY ELLE KING PLAYING.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! What is ? Oh.
I'm sorry.
The flame pieces are really sharp.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
RYAN: Oh! Okay! - That was great.
- Yeah.
- Ask him what this is.
- Ask him what you guys are doing here.
Tell him you feel like this could really be the start of something big.
Tell him you feel like you guys fit together like two Lego pieces.
Yes, that's good, say that.
No, no, no! Um [LAUGHS.]
Actually, I should get a-going so Oh.
Okay, cool.
Well, I had fun.
Dinner was fun.
What we did after was fun.
- I had a good time.
- Me, too, with the fun.
Fun, fun, fun was had by all.
Hey, Jules, you know I'm not looking for anything serious, right? I'm down to just keep it casual.
Yeah.
That was my instinct, too.
[ALARM BUZZING.]
Well, I had me a boy turned him into a man I showed him all the things that he didn't understand Whoa-oh Then I let him go Just got home, u up? Now, there's one in California who's been cursing my name 'Cause I found me a better lover in the UK Hey-hey Until I made my getaway One-two-three, they're gonna run back to me 'Cause I'm the best baby that they never gotta keep One-two-three, they're gonna run back to me They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave Ex's and the oh-oh-oh's they haunt me Like gho-o-osts they want me To make 'em oh-oh-oh They won't let go [JULES GROANING.]
Ex's and the oh-oh-oh's They haunt me Like gho-o-osts they want me To make 'em oh-oh-oh RYAN: favorite features.
- JULES: Wow.
- Yeah, and-and when when you see it, it looks just like the trailer.
Oh, don't, but just be careful, you know, you don't wanna touch it, 'cause the pieces, they're hard to find.
- MAN: [ON TV.]
Good evening, ladies.
- LADIES: [ON TV.]
Good evening.
- MAN: You look very good this evening.
- [LADIES GIGGLE.]
MAN: I know that you weren't expecting me.
Everybody wants to meet Charlie, right? [LADIES GIGGLE.]
Well, here's the thing, I have some news.
Uh, there is not going to be the mixer that you expected tonight.
- [MADISON GROANING.]
- IZZY: What? Oh, my God! What? What's happening? - Jules.
- That means he's made his decision.
I'm gonna be sick.
Sorry, my sleep schedule's all messed up.
Apparently this whole casual sex thing means you can only hang out in the middle of the night.
Wow! Look at you go, baby slut.
Well, I hope he's taking care of your needs, if you know what I mean.
- Like, are you orgasming? - Yeah, I was with you.
It is ridiculous that we even need to ask that.
I mean, could you imagine men asking each other if they're achieving orgasm with repeat sexual partners? "Duh, Kyle, how's it going with that girl you're fucking? Has she made you come yet?" Let's just say it's going well.
I'm ignoring my instincts like you said.
I'm just feeling a little weird like health-wise.
I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
No, babe, you need to go to the gyno.
I mean, you have to take that stuff seriously.
Have I told you what happened to my astrologist friend who was sleeping with that guy who had herpes? - No, what happened? - I mean she got herpes.
Wait, how is it going with you and your not-boyfriend? I think you guys were right.
I guess I have to break up with him.
Don't do it over text! God, yeah, that's so mean.
Haven't you ever been dumped before? You know what, forget I said that.
No, Stella, this guy thinks you're seriously dating.
You have to actually break up with him.
Okay, so I'll do it in person.
But should I do it before we have sex or after, 'cause I feel like in the middle might be a little weird.
Um, I think having sex might blur the message? Like, can't you go over there and not immediately have sex with him? - No.
- You need a buffer.
Someone who can make any situation totally non-sexual.
Jules, do you have a second plunger? Our generation of women have been so shamed out of wanting to put a label on things, Stella literally didn't know she had a boyfriend.
It's insane to me.
I feel like your head's somewhere else.
And also, it's pretty muffled down there.
[MADISON SIGHS.]
Do you, uh, know if you're free yet this weekend? - I'm being invited to things.
- I'll have to let you know.
Okay.
Uh, well, there's this big party my college friend Paul throws every year.
Lots of drunk people, people getting naked in the pool - Maybe I'll go to that.
- Cool.
Sounds like fun.
So it doesn't bother you? Do you want it to bother me? Fine, it bothers me.
Don't go.
- You can't control me! - Madison, hey, whoa.
Wh-What are we talking about? Look, you can't commit to any plans, so so what am I? Your girlfriend? Your fuck buddy? I keep telling Jules to keep her relationships casual, yet here I am obsessing about what this is.
Okay, okay.
We are in a relationship.
That's what we're doing.
Yeah, but what kind of a relationship? Is this just about sex to you? Well, at this specific moment, it was, yes.
- [GASPS.]
- Okay.
I think whatever I say right now, it's not gonna be the right thing, so I'm gonna just go and have a shower.
I can't believe you said that.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[GYNECOLOGIST SIGHS.]
Okay.
Sorry I got held up.
I was just performing a safe, legal abortion.
Well, I have some bad news.
You've caught something.
Oh, God.
An STD? It can be sexually transmitted.
You've caught feelings.
Feelings? Yes.
Feelings for the guy you're hooking up with.
That's impossible.
He's a grown man who plays with Legos.
Feelings are always a risk whenever you are sexually active.
Now, were you using protection? Hooking up with at least two other people? No.
Look, I see a lot of young women come in with these symptoms.
Okay? You may find this literature helpful.
And you'll want to avoid contact with that partner for a few weeks.
Wait, shouldn't I tell the guy so he can get tested too? [LAUGHING.]
That's good.
Oh, no, men cannot get this.
[GYNECOLOGIST LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey.
OLIVER: It really is lovely to meet one of Stella's friends.
I'm always telling her to bring people around.
It's such a stupidly big place for no one to be in so much of the time.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Stupidly big.
Ollie, can you get some more wine, please? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I'll come! Um I'm trying to learn how to use a wine opener.
I always drop the cork in, ha ha.
Dumb Izzy.
So, Oliver you know why Stella invited me here tonight, right? Uh, not for the wine opening lessons? [LAUGHS.]
She wanted me to help you understand that You know how you guys have gotten into this like, conventional, man-woman-house-beep-boop kind of thing? Uh-huh? Stella's just not super, like beep-boop, straight-and-narrow, white-picket-fence-y.
You you feel me? Um I can't quite say that I do.
Um Stella thinks you're awesome, right? It's just that, the way she feels about you is like the way she feels about me.
Oh.
Oh.
I think I understand.
That's awesome.
So we're on the same page? Simpatico? Capisce? We're on the same page.
Great.
If you could also show me the wine opener thing, though, I wasn't lying.
I'm bad at that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, you were right.
The best cinematic depiction of cats is Disney's Aristocats.
They're animals, but they still have their sophistication.
Well, next do we do Homeward Bound or Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties? You know we don't only have to watch movies about cats, right? I don't follow.
Are there other types of movies? Just shut up and put on Garfield.
Operation Heartbreak: achieved.
He totally gets it, you just wanna be friends, we're all on the same page.
- Really? - Stella, babe, look at me.
Same.
Page.
- You're.
Welcome.
- [STELLA LAUGHS.]
[STELLA SIGHS.]
You good? All good.
Oh.
Uh, he's taking it very well.
[IZZY GIGGLES.]
Okay, okay.
Um, maybe we were on a different part of the same page? - What the fuck are you doing? - Hmm? I thought you guys wanted to Isn't that what all that "simpatico" shit was about? No! That was about me breaking up with you.
Look, I tried to do this the right way, okay, I just can't be tied down right now.
I can't be "the one" like you said in your Instagram.
My-My Instagram? I took that picture with my new camera.
That was a paid post for Nikon.
"The one" was the new lens I was using.
Wait, so I'm just some house sitter that you sleep with occasionally? - Yes.
- Okay! Then I spoke too soon and completely misunderstood.
Now I'm feeling regretful.
Is this what you feel like all the time? Literally all the time.
- You're brave.
- Come here, you nutter.
Are we really doing this? - Go home, Izzy.
- Cool.
Cool, cool.
Uh Morning, morning.
Um you should probably be getting going, because I have a workout class today and also I'm just really not feeling well.
WES: Oh, yeah.
Okay.
But should you be working out if you don't feel good? Oh, that's a good question, Wes.
I find that working out actually helps my nausea, because you sweat out the bad germs and you breathe in the good germs.
You know, you're a vet, you get it.
Thanks.
I, uh Last night was fun.
I'll I'll call you? Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
I'll text you.
Or not.
Uh, either way, thanks for the hang.
Uh, I'm casual.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GROANS.]
Jesus! What are you guys doing here? I think I'll ask the questions from here on out.
What's this? That's a sweater from one of the many men I'm casually boinking.
Strange, because it's in a tasteful color and it's dry clean only.
This sweater has boyfriend material written all over it.
This is not the sweater of a Lego guy.
It's the sweater of a reliable veterinarian who you're not sleeping with.
- No.
No.
- Lies! [GASPS.]
Hey! It It's not a big deal.
We just watched movies on the couch.
I'm only gonna ask you this once: did you cuddle? At least tell us you that you got drunk and sloppily made out.
- We were sober, okay? - [TRIO GASPS.]
Wait.
You didn't even have one beer? - He didn't bring any! - This is the 21st century, Jules.
You should have one on you.
If you don't protect yourself, your monogamous instincts are gonna ruin your life.
That's it.
I know what you need.
What we all need.
We need to go to an event that is so disgusting, so debaucherous, no romance can survive in its wake.
We are going to Paulapalooza.
- [GROANS.]
- Paulapa whoza? MADISON: Okay, so this frat guy Paul we went to college with has been throwing himself the same party every year on his birthday since he was 18.
Sadly, now that he's in his 30s, the party has gone from being a can't-miss campus event to a tragic display of chubby alcoholics trying to relive their youth.
[IN SLOW MOTION.]
Food fight! [RAP MUSIC PLAYING.]
I know.
It's pretty bleak, right? It's not that.
Last night was my first chance to experiment like you're supposed to in your 20s.
And now my Wikipedia page is just gonna read, "She had a lifetime of missionary sex and now is buried next to her parents in a Jewish cemetery because she didn't even have any cool tattoos.
" Izzy, having threesomes doesn't make you more interesting.
That's easy for you to say, you've probably had a hundred threesomes.
- Oh, please, I've had like eight.
- I just wanted to have one.
I'm not like Jules with her five-year relationship, and I'm not like you with your sexy house-sitting escapades.
I just wanted to have one thing that was gonna make There.
Now you've experimented.
This is so going on my Wiki.
- MAN: Go! - [PADDLER STRAINING.]
[SLURRING.]
This guy is a fucking legend right here.
Best grand-little bro ever.
Oh, you guys are brothers? No, no, no.
My Little Bro Thick Ricky is his Big.
But I would legit murder somebody for this guy.
Oh, that's so sweet, Paul.
Right, Jules? Do you wanna try my Fireball and cold brew? It's really good.
Uh take the phone.
- Oh, bro, that's all right.
- Yeah! Hey, Colin.
Uh, it's just me calling to keep you updated, vis-Ã -vis me having fun without you.
This party is super crazy.
I've just been hanging out with Tommy and Paul, and I actually barely even remembered to call you because I'm having so much fun, so bye! - Here we go, here we go! - That wasn't bad.
Wes, don't leave! I'm not, I was just getting a beer.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, that was super dramatic.
Um what are you doing here, anyway? My college friend works with Paul.
- Ah.
- So I guess you're feeling better? I'm sorry I kicked you out.
I really did have a great time with you.
I did too.
That's why I was so confused by the 5:00 a.
m.
forced exodus.
On the bright side, though, the freeways were very clear.
Yeah, my friends have just been getting in my head lately about, uh not getting into something serious, and, uh, I just kind of freaked out.
What did we do that was so serious? We watched some animated children's films, those weren't too serious.
- That's true.
- We ate pizza arguably the least serious of all foods.
Well, pizza could be serious.
Pizza's laid-back.
You know, pizza's sitting on a porch swing with you, it's strumming a guitar.
Strumming a guitar? What songs does pizza know? All pizza knows is Wonderwall.
Pizza is a hack.
Oooh.
I don't want you to kiss me.
Guess I grossly misread that situation.
No, uh I don't want you to kiss me because of how badly I do want you to kiss me.
And I think if you kissed me, it would be the beginning of something I'm not ready for.
Okay.
Well, I, uh guess I'll see you around, Jules.
Wait, just so you know, even though I'm getting in your car right now, I am still very elusive and hard to get.
- Noted.
- And I am not that girl who's just at your beck and call, who comes running to the guy even though she doesn't know where she stands with him.
Madison, do you want to know where you stand with me? If you need to tell me, I guess.
Hey.
I love you.
Okay? That's where I stand.
I love you, too.
PAUL: Paul! That's Paul.
It's his birthday.
- Hey, Paul.
- PAUL: Hello.
[HYPNOTIC BY SUGARBEATS PLAYING.]
JULES: "Ooh, I'm Melyssa.
I'm so skinny and my hair's so shiny and I spell my own name wrong.
" RAMONA: [ON PHONE.]
Hey, y'all, it's Ramona! Don't leave a voicemail, it's 2019! - [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Hey, Ramona, it's Jules.
Just, uh, casually calling to check in.
Um, just getting so excited for your wedding.
Speaking of your wedding, um, God, you must be so busy getting all your RSVPs from your friends and your family and your brother and any plus-one he may or may not be bringing.
Is he, um, bringing anybody? Uh, because I don't care.
And I'm just making sure that you know that I don't care.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Anyway, that is not even why I'm calling.
Um, I'm calling to say bye! [EXHALES, CLEARS THROAT.]
Cool grandma, you fucking slut.
[CHOKES.]
Hmm-mm, hmm-mm! Ehhhh! No! [SOBS.]
911, what is your emergency? I think I just liked my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's Instagram.
CAT LADY: [ON PHONE.]
Remain calm, ma'am.
How many weeks back - was the photo from? - JULES: Um Three hundred and forty-two.
Good God! That's a fucking disaster! Burn your phone and then kill yourself! What?! You're 911, don't tell me to kill myself! Okay, don't panic.
Even though you definitely should.
The paramedics are on their way.
Oh, you know what, I'm just gonna unlike the photo.
CAT LADY: No, God, no! Oh! Um, oh, uh-oh.
Um, I also I unliked it, but then I liked it again.
[SCREAMING.]
Where is it? Do you know if she has notifications turned on? - I I don't know.
- Do you have followers in common? I don't think so.
Ooh, I guess Jeremy? - This is hopeless.
- We're not supposed to say that, Amy.
- How long ago did you like it? - Thirty seconds.
She's seen it.
[PARAMEDIC SIGHS.]
Ma'am, we're gonna need you to step inside.
[UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING.]
What's up, Oliver? Daddy's home! - How's my favorite house-sitter? - STELLA: Oh.
I'm fine, but your fiddle-leaf is going through something.
Oh, God.
Twenty-six hours from Jo-burg with a layover in Qatar.
Well, there's a joint rolled and takeout's on the way.
I got us two green curries this time, plus the noodle dish with the chilies on the side.
"Pedric" should be here in 18 minutes.
You're a goddess.
And 18 minutes that should give us just enough time WOMAN: [ON TV.]
I'm so grateful because I know He can't keep Lauren S.
, he can't.
She wore overalls on the group date.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Did he say Lauren S.
? MAN: [ON TV.]
Lauren S.
- IZZY: What? - MADISON: Oh! Oh! STELLA: No! Uh, Jules, if you're cleaning 'cause you're upset, can you at least start on the bathroom? I'm not upset.
Except, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was looking at that girl that Jeremy went out with on Instagram and I accidentally liked one of her pictures.
That's not that big of a deal, though, right? Uh, that's a huge deal.
Not only are you fully telegraphing to Jeremy that you're still obsessed with him, you are focusing your issues with a guy on another girl, - which frankly reads a little unfeminist.
- [WOMAN ON TV CRYING.]
Oh, yeah, you better cry, cankles.
Ride that limo to hell.
- Did you at least unlike the photo? - JULES: Yes.
I unliked it, then I liked it again [CLEARS THROAT.]
but then I unliked it.
- Very cool.
- Are you insane? Any normal functioning human being has their push notifications on.
- Mine aren't.
- STELLA: Oh, my God.
Just realized I wasn't even following you.
Oh, can you follow me? I'm at - Nope.
- [STAMMERING.]
Look, this is happening 'cause you are sitting around obsessing over Jeremy 24 hours a day.
Look, he's moved on, so should you.
I mean, I have been texting a little bit with that guy Wes, the veterinarian.
He sent me this gif the other night of a cat that was stuck in a hammock.
The cat was like, "Oh, no, meow-meow-meow, hammock!" [BOOING.]
You are not calling Dr.
Pussycat.
He's total boyfriend material.
Knowing you, you'll go on one date and we won't hear from you for five years.
Hey, I feel like I'm being reverse slut-shamed here.
Isn't finding a boyfriend the reason we go on dates? No! We go on dates to have fun and justify the purchase of cute clothes.
Not every guy has to turn into a boyfriend.
It's like the photographer who I'm house-sitting for.
We hook up whenever he's in town and it's totally casual.
So you live with a guy and you sleep with him.
Tell me how that's casual again? He travels constantly.
So you're in a long-distance relationship with your boyfriend, who you live with? No.
You don't get it at all.
Wait if I have a boyfriend then I've cheated on him like a lot.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
I need to move on.
Now, how do I do that again? What you need right now is a Hot JOT.
- A hot what? - JOT.
J-O-T.
As in "Just One Thing.
" A Hot JOT is a hot guy who has Just One Thing wrong with him.
So you can hook up with him, but you'll never be tempted to actually date him.
Yeah, ideally I would find a guy like that, but I don't know where I would - - [GROOVY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Good afternoon, little lady.
Now, you look like someone who's ready to take home the man of her dreams today, am I right? - Anyone specific you got your eye on? - No, I'm just looking.
You know, we have this guy who just became available.
This here, this is Aiden.
Aiden is a 1985, he's an architect, and he is a great gift-giver.
It's nice to meet you.
[GIGGLING.]
Hiiiii Ahem.
Yeah, Aiden seems great for a rebound.
Oh, a rebound? Unfortunately, our gentlemen in the showroom aren't available for a short-term lease situation.
These guys are all boyfriend material in here.
Hmm.
But we've got some amazing hot JOTs on the back lot.
All these are as-is, ready to go home tonight.
This is Neil.
Neil is 6'5", he's an accountant, he's close to his family Um, that sounds pretty good.
And just one thing, he's absolutely certain the government did 9-11.
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams.
Oh, okay, maybe we keep looking.
- Fair enough.
- How do you explain Building 7? DEALER: This is Greg.
Greg studied Political Science at Berkeley and takes his grandmother to church every Sunday.
- [CAR TIRES SCREECH.]
- Oh, God.
Does that come off? I'm sure the boys in the back can remove that.
I always wear this.
Okay, okay.
Sorry about the thumb ring.
I've got a good feeling about you, and I don't introduce this guy to everybody.
Ryan.
Ryan is the youngest partner at his law firm, and he's technically related to the Kennedy family.
Okay, what is it? In my spare time, I really love to play with Legos.
I'll take him.
- Yes! - Up high! [RYAN LAUGHS.]
I was thinking for dinner, I might try to whip up this dish I had in Cape Town called bunny chow.
- Oh - Oh, no, no, no.
There're no actual bunnies in it.
No, I just I just didn't assume we were automatically having dinner together.
Oh, my bad, do you have plans? No.
But you don't know that.
Okay Oh, did the guy come to read the gas meter while I was away? I don't know.
Was I expected to stay here all day while you go out and work? Uh kind of, yeah.
Well, you can forget it.
I'm not doing it.
O kay.
Well, I'll call them and maybe they'll come later in the week.
Great.
[STELLA SIGHS.]
I'm the one? Hey.
He's gonna be here any minute.
I'm just so nervous.
You're gonna be fine.
You just have to remember: your instincts are gonna want you to get monogamous.
And you have to ignore those instincts at all costs.
Oh, shit, I see him coming.
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
MADISON: Wait.
Did you remember to shave? Did you remember to shave So it's really actually a study in engineering.
Sure, the Legos come with instructions, but there's plenty of room for customization as well.
- Uh-huh.
- And ultimately I'd say the most complex structure I've done is transforming the Hogwarts set into an authentic French village.
Now, I know what you're gonna ask: what did you do with the spire? - Freshly ground pepper? - Oh, no, thank you.
So repurposing some of the grass from the top of Hagrid's hut, I was able to construct the patisserie.
Hey, girlfriend, I'm your instinct to form an emotional bond.
Shall we ask him about his family, like is he close with his mom? No, I'm fine, thank you.
RYAN: It's a shame I had to send it back, but the subscription plan is pretty strict, so I took a lot of pictures.
Hi, I'm your instinct to make a physical connection.
I really feel like you should take his hand.
Actually, Madison told me to ignore my instincts, but thank you so much.
Maybe that was my Moby Dick.
Totally.
That is so interesting.
What's the difference between the flat pieces and the blocky ones? [EX'S AND OH'S BY ELLE KING PLAYING.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! What is ? Oh.
I'm sorry.
The flame pieces are really sharp.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
RYAN: Oh! Okay! - That was great.
- Yeah.
- Ask him what this is.
- Ask him what you guys are doing here.
Tell him you feel like this could really be the start of something big.
Tell him you feel like you guys fit together like two Lego pieces.
Yes, that's good, say that.
No, no, no! Um [LAUGHS.]
Actually, I should get a-going so Oh.
Okay, cool.
Well, I had fun.
Dinner was fun.
What we did after was fun.
- I had a good time.
- Me, too, with the fun.
Fun, fun, fun was had by all.
Hey, Jules, you know I'm not looking for anything serious, right? I'm down to just keep it casual.
Yeah.
That was my instinct, too.
[ALARM BUZZING.]
Well, I had me a boy turned him into a man I showed him all the things that he didn't understand Whoa-oh Then I let him go Just got home, u up? Now, there's one in California who's been cursing my name 'Cause I found me a better lover in the UK Hey-hey Until I made my getaway One-two-three, they're gonna run back to me 'Cause I'm the best baby that they never gotta keep One-two-three, they're gonna run back to me They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave Ex's and the oh-oh-oh's they haunt me Like gho-o-osts they want me To make 'em oh-oh-oh They won't let go [JULES GROANING.]
Ex's and the oh-oh-oh's They haunt me Like gho-o-osts they want me To make 'em oh-oh-oh RYAN: favorite features.
- JULES: Wow.
- Yeah, and-and when when you see it, it looks just like the trailer.
Oh, don't, but just be careful, you know, you don't wanna touch it, 'cause the pieces, they're hard to find.
- MAN: [ON TV.]
Good evening, ladies.
- LADIES: [ON TV.]
Good evening.
- MAN: You look very good this evening.
- [LADIES GIGGLE.]
MAN: I know that you weren't expecting me.
Everybody wants to meet Charlie, right? [LADIES GIGGLE.]
Well, here's the thing, I have some news.
Uh, there is not going to be the mixer that you expected tonight.
- [MADISON GROANING.]
- IZZY: What? Oh, my God! What? What's happening? - Jules.
- That means he's made his decision.
I'm gonna be sick.
Sorry, my sleep schedule's all messed up.
Apparently this whole casual sex thing means you can only hang out in the middle of the night.
Wow! Look at you go, baby slut.
Well, I hope he's taking care of your needs, if you know what I mean.
- Like, are you orgasming? - Yeah, I was with you.
It is ridiculous that we even need to ask that.
I mean, could you imagine men asking each other if they're achieving orgasm with repeat sexual partners? "Duh, Kyle, how's it going with that girl you're fucking? Has she made you come yet?" Let's just say it's going well.
I'm ignoring my instincts like you said.
I'm just feeling a little weird like health-wise.
I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
No, babe, you need to go to the gyno.
I mean, you have to take that stuff seriously.
Have I told you what happened to my astrologist friend who was sleeping with that guy who had herpes? - No, what happened? - I mean she got herpes.
Wait, how is it going with you and your not-boyfriend? I think you guys were right.
I guess I have to break up with him.
Don't do it over text! God, yeah, that's so mean.
Haven't you ever been dumped before? You know what, forget I said that.
No, Stella, this guy thinks you're seriously dating.
You have to actually break up with him.
Okay, so I'll do it in person.
But should I do it before we have sex or after, 'cause I feel like in the middle might be a little weird.
Um, I think having sex might blur the message? Like, can't you go over there and not immediately have sex with him? - No.
- You need a buffer.
Someone who can make any situation totally non-sexual.
Jules, do you have a second plunger? Our generation of women have been so shamed out of wanting to put a label on things, Stella literally didn't know she had a boyfriend.
It's insane to me.
I feel like your head's somewhere else.
And also, it's pretty muffled down there.
[MADISON SIGHS.]
Do you, uh, know if you're free yet this weekend? - I'm being invited to things.
- I'll have to let you know.
Okay.
Uh, well, there's this big party my college friend Paul throws every year.
Lots of drunk people, people getting naked in the pool - Maybe I'll go to that.
- Cool.
Sounds like fun.
So it doesn't bother you? Do you want it to bother me? Fine, it bothers me.
Don't go.
- You can't control me! - Madison, hey, whoa.
Wh-What are we talking about? Look, you can't commit to any plans, so so what am I? Your girlfriend? Your fuck buddy? I keep telling Jules to keep her relationships casual, yet here I am obsessing about what this is.
Okay, okay.
We are in a relationship.
That's what we're doing.
Yeah, but what kind of a relationship? Is this just about sex to you? Well, at this specific moment, it was, yes.
- [GASPS.]
- Okay.
I think whatever I say right now, it's not gonna be the right thing, so I'm gonna just go and have a shower.
I can't believe you said that.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[GYNECOLOGIST SIGHS.]
Okay.
Sorry I got held up.
I was just performing a safe, legal abortion.
Well, I have some bad news.
You've caught something.
Oh, God.
An STD? It can be sexually transmitted.
You've caught feelings.
Feelings? Yes.
Feelings for the guy you're hooking up with.
That's impossible.
He's a grown man who plays with Legos.
Feelings are always a risk whenever you are sexually active.
Now, were you using protection? Hooking up with at least two other people? No.
Look, I see a lot of young women come in with these symptoms.
Okay? You may find this literature helpful.
And you'll want to avoid contact with that partner for a few weeks.
Wait, shouldn't I tell the guy so he can get tested too? [LAUGHING.]
That's good.
Oh, no, men cannot get this.
[GYNECOLOGIST LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey.
OLIVER: It really is lovely to meet one of Stella's friends.
I'm always telling her to bring people around.
It's such a stupidly big place for no one to be in so much of the time.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Stupidly big.
Ollie, can you get some more wine, please? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I'll come! Um I'm trying to learn how to use a wine opener.
I always drop the cork in, ha ha.
Dumb Izzy.
So, Oliver you know why Stella invited me here tonight, right? Uh, not for the wine opening lessons? [LAUGHS.]
She wanted me to help you understand that You know how you guys have gotten into this like, conventional, man-woman-house-beep-boop kind of thing? Uh-huh? Stella's just not super, like beep-boop, straight-and-narrow, white-picket-fence-y.
You you feel me? Um I can't quite say that I do.
Um Stella thinks you're awesome, right? It's just that, the way she feels about you is like the way she feels about me.
Oh.
Oh.
I think I understand.
That's awesome.
So we're on the same page? Simpatico? Capisce? We're on the same page.
Great.
If you could also show me the wine opener thing, though, I wasn't lying.
I'm bad at that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, you were right.
The best cinematic depiction of cats is Disney's Aristocats.
They're animals, but they still have their sophistication.
Well, next do we do Homeward Bound or Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties? You know we don't only have to watch movies about cats, right? I don't follow.
Are there other types of movies? Just shut up and put on Garfield.
Operation Heartbreak: achieved.
He totally gets it, you just wanna be friends, we're all on the same page.
- Really? - Stella, babe, look at me.
Same.
Page.
- You're.
Welcome.
- [STELLA LAUGHS.]
[STELLA SIGHS.]
You good? All good.
Oh.
Uh, he's taking it very well.
[IZZY GIGGLES.]
Okay, okay.
Um, maybe we were on a different part of the same page? - What the fuck are you doing? - Hmm? I thought you guys wanted to Isn't that what all that "simpatico" shit was about? No! That was about me breaking up with you.
Look, I tried to do this the right way, okay, I just can't be tied down right now.
I can't be "the one" like you said in your Instagram.
My-My Instagram? I took that picture with my new camera.
That was a paid post for Nikon.
"The one" was the new lens I was using.
Wait, so I'm just some house sitter that you sleep with occasionally? - Yes.
- Okay! Then I spoke too soon and completely misunderstood.
Now I'm feeling regretful.
Is this what you feel like all the time? Literally all the time.
- You're brave.
- Come here, you nutter.
Are we really doing this? - Go home, Izzy.
- Cool.
Cool, cool.
Uh Morning, morning.
Um you should probably be getting going, because I have a workout class today and also I'm just really not feeling well.
WES: Oh, yeah.
Okay.
But should you be working out if you don't feel good? Oh, that's a good question, Wes.
I find that working out actually helps my nausea, because you sweat out the bad germs and you breathe in the good germs.
You know, you're a vet, you get it.
Thanks.
I, uh Last night was fun.
I'll I'll call you? Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
I'll text you.
Or not.
Uh, either way, thanks for the hang.
Uh, I'm casual.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GROANS.]
Jesus! What are you guys doing here? I think I'll ask the questions from here on out.
What's this? That's a sweater from one of the many men I'm casually boinking.
Strange, because it's in a tasteful color and it's dry clean only.
This sweater has boyfriend material written all over it.
This is not the sweater of a Lego guy.
It's the sweater of a reliable veterinarian who you're not sleeping with.
- No.
No.
- Lies! [GASPS.]
Hey! It It's not a big deal.
We just watched movies on the couch.
I'm only gonna ask you this once: did you cuddle? At least tell us you that you got drunk and sloppily made out.
- We were sober, okay? - [TRIO GASPS.]
Wait.
You didn't even have one beer? - He didn't bring any! - This is the 21st century, Jules.
You should have one on you.
If you don't protect yourself, your monogamous instincts are gonna ruin your life.
That's it.
I know what you need.
What we all need.
We need to go to an event that is so disgusting, so debaucherous, no romance can survive in its wake.
We are going to Paulapalooza.
- [GROANS.]
- Paulapa whoza? MADISON: Okay, so this frat guy Paul we went to college with has been throwing himself the same party every year on his birthday since he was 18.
Sadly, now that he's in his 30s, the party has gone from being a can't-miss campus event to a tragic display of chubby alcoholics trying to relive their youth.
[IN SLOW MOTION.]
Food fight! [RAP MUSIC PLAYING.]
I know.
It's pretty bleak, right? It's not that.
Last night was my first chance to experiment like you're supposed to in your 20s.
And now my Wikipedia page is just gonna read, "She had a lifetime of missionary sex and now is buried next to her parents in a Jewish cemetery because she didn't even have any cool tattoos.
" Izzy, having threesomes doesn't make you more interesting.
That's easy for you to say, you've probably had a hundred threesomes.
- Oh, please, I've had like eight.
- I just wanted to have one.
I'm not like Jules with her five-year relationship, and I'm not like you with your sexy house-sitting escapades.
I just wanted to have one thing that was gonna make There.
Now you've experimented.
This is so going on my Wiki.
- MAN: Go! - [PADDLER STRAINING.]
[SLURRING.]
This guy is a fucking legend right here.
Best grand-little bro ever.
Oh, you guys are brothers? No, no, no.
My Little Bro Thick Ricky is his Big.
But I would legit murder somebody for this guy.
Oh, that's so sweet, Paul.
Right, Jules? Do you wanna try my Fireball and cold brew? It's really good.
Uh take the phone.
- Oh, bro, that's all right.
- Yeah! Hey, Colin.
Uh, it's just me calling to keep you updated, vis-Ã -vis me having fun without you.
This party is super crazy.
I've just been hanging out with Tommy and Paul, and I actually barely even remembered to call you because I'm having so much fun, so bye! - Here we go, here we go! - That wasn't bad.
Wes, don't leave! I'm not, I was just getting a beer.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, that was super dramatic.
Um what are you doing here, anyway? My college friend works with Paul.
- Ah.
- So I guess you're feeling better? I'm sorry I kicked you out.
I really did have a great time with you.
I did too.
That's why I was so confused by the 5:00 a.
m.
forced exodus.
On the bright side, though, the freeways were very clear.
Yeah, my friends have just been getting in my head lately about, uh not getting into something serious, and, uh, I just kind of freaked out.
What did we do that was so serious? We watched some animated children's films, those weren't too serious.
- That's true.
- We ate pizza arguably the least serious of all foods.
Well, pizza could be serious.
Pizza's laid-back.
You know, pizza's sitting on a porch swing with you, it's strumming a guitar.
Strumming a guitar? What songs does pizza know? All pizza knows is Wonderwall.
Pizza is a hack.
Oooh.
I don't want you to kiss me.
Guess I grossly misread that situation.
No, uh I don't want you to kiss me because of how badly I do want you to kiss me.
And I think if you kissed me, it would be the beginning of something I'm not ready for.
Okay.
Well, I, uh guess I'll see you around, Jules.
Wait, just so you know, even though I'm getting in your car right now, I am still very elusive and hard to get.
- Noted.
- And I am not that girl who's just at your beck and call, who comes running to the guy even though she doesn't know where she stands with him.
Madison, do you want to know where you stand with me? If you need to tell me, I guess.
Hey.
I love you.
Okay? That's where I stand.
I love you, too.
PAUL: Paul! That's Paul.
It's his birthday.
- Hey, Paul.
- PAUL: Hello.
[HYPNOTIC BY SUGARBEATS PLAYING.]