Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s01e07 Episode Script

I've always been a driven person.
In high school, I got straight "A's," founded several academic clubs, and was president of the debate team.
I was also the school mascot.
Needless to say, I was never one of the cool kids.
Yeah! June! Over here! Until now.
I saved you a seat! Scoot over.
Somehow I've become friends with the coolest girl in the world.
Drink it, you slut.
Whoo-hoo! I'm a slut! Bottoms up, whore! You're saying something negative, but it sounds positive.
I love it! I found it My place in the sun.
Can we get another round, please? What happened? We need to pump your stomach.
You have alcohol poisoning.
It's bigger than it looks.
Like, by a lot.
I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you she's a Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba Couldn't hang with Chloe, huh? No, I was huh.
I was I was hanging.
This is probably from that, um, raw hamburger that I slept-ate.
Please.
I used to be Chloe's roommate, too, remember? Look.
Fashion week '09, Versace after-party.
Blew out my larynx.
From too much "whoo-hoo" ing? Yeah, June from too much "whoo-hoo" ing.
I don't understand.
I drank the same amount that Chloe did.
Chloe's ability to process alcohol is legendary, but you, my small-livered friend, can't drink for the next six months, which means you are out of Chloe's social life.
I hope you like pajama pants and police procedurals.
I can still hang with Chloe.
Okay? This is my moment in In the sun Yep.
Once you've felt the sun on your skin, the shade can feel especially cold.
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, Oh.
Hey! What are you guys doing here? You didn't have to come get me.
Are you kidding? After that ace move you pulled? It's like you knew the party was gonna suck, so you faked a seizure.
Super believable, foam and everything.
Look at you, committing to the bit.
That's amazing.
You know, I once faked being chased by a Bumblebee to avoid talking to my old agent.
Yeah, well, that's how I roll, you know? Heh.
When stuff sucks, I just pretend that my body is Shutting down.
Sweet.
We're starting New York rehearsals for "dancing with the stars.
" Luther got first pick of dressing rooms.
Nice.
Is that important? Is th is Chloe, can you Actors are very sensitive people so they need the validation that comes from knowing that everyone else's dressing room sucks.
Thank you.
Sounds douche-y when I say it.
Well, are you ready to go home? Yeah.
I am.
Sake bomb! Sea urchin chaser! Mmm! June, you're not doing your sake bomb with raw fish chaser.
I can't have any of this.
I mean, I think I still have vomit in my hair from last night.
You freaking monster.
I love you.
So, uh this place is cool.
One of the perks of being a health inspector.
I give them an "a" rating even though their fish is old, and they let us eat for free.
They also let me keep my canoe in their basement.
Shitagi Nashi.
Shitagi Nashi! Okay.
Mm.
Come on, June.
It's getting cold.
I got my stomach pumped and I had a tube down my throat last night.
I get pumped and have stuff down my throat all the time, and it doesn't stop me.
Shitagi Nashi.
Okay.
W-what does that mean? Why do people keep saying that to you? Um, I don't know.
Japanese people always say that to me.
I think it just means I'm tall.
Oh, no, it means "no panties.
" Your catchphrase from "tall slut no panties.
" The graphic novel based on you? It's huge in Japan.
Hmm.
Chloe, you have a graphic novel based on you? Huh.
So raw fish delicious, raw chicken salmonella.
It's cuckoo-pants.
June, I can't stand it anymore.
Pastor Jin.
Obviously, the man I'm with is not my husband.
I saw you notice us when you walked in.
Nothing has happened yet.
Yes, I had my hand on his leg I didn't see you.
Have a good Sushi.
Enjoy.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
This dressing room once belonged to Mr.
Tom Poston when he was in previews for "a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.
" Yes.
Yes, that's why it feels so comfortable to me.
As always, Luther, perfect.
Dean Cain, you old hoofer.
How's it going? Can't complain, James.
Yeah? Rehearsals are going well.
Think I'm starting to master my Latin hip movement.
Yeah, it's gonna be a good season.
Yes, it is.
Well, see you on the planks, then.
What were you thinking?! That ghosts have seen all my passwords.
Dean Cain's dressing room has an extra 1/3 of a ceiling tile.
His room is 6 inches bigger than mine 6! I noticed instantly! How could you not catch this? I-I didn't look up.
Why didn't I look up? Well, it's too late now, Luther! It's happened.
You've made your first mistake as my assistant.
Ohh.
God, this dressing room is suffocating me.
I can practically touch the walls.
Wow! Oh, my gosh.
This is so cool.
I can't believe I'm friends with somebody that has a graphic novel based on them! How cool is that? He gets my knees.
I have tricky knees, but he gets them.
Wow.
I'm finally in your apartment.
All those years of sitting in my window, wondering what was behind this pillar Oh.
Just a table with some bric-a-brac.
Hold on.
Is that Just a banana.
Oh.
This isn't good.
This isn't what you want.
Hope it's not structural.
This is amazing.
Your character drives around on a motorcycle that has a sidecar! The minute she walked into the club, it became the place to be.
Everyone wanted to be her, be with her, or lick her marshmallow wig.
Oh, I remember that night.
I wore a marshmallow wig.
Hey, Eli, how come you didn't tell Chloe about these novels? I assumed she knew.
I was always calling her a tall slut or suggesting it was a nice day for no panties.
Oh, I thought you were just being a pervert.
Understandable mistake.
Hey, do you mind if I pee in your toilet? It would mean a lot to me.
Sure, pal.
"Patrick Kelly.
" That's the guy who wrote these.
Do you know who that is? Ugh.
June, if I had time to worry about every person Who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn't have time to be my fabulous self.
Now come on.
There's a party at the mayor's mansion.
Let's get somebody impeached.
Chloe, I can't drink.
Oh, you're still doing that? Oh, well.
Don't wait up.
Uh, no, I mean, I can hang out with you.
It's just, I-I can't drink anything.
Oh, no, no, no.
If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me.
I don't want any judgmental Judys or sober Sallys in my crew.
Okay, well, the good news is, Chloe, is that in six short months, we'll be able to pick up where we left o Now we're really friends.
Uh, June? Hi.
Hi.
You're at work.
I'm seeing if Robin was exaggerating about not being able to party six months after getting your stomach pumped.
Ooh.
There is a girl on here that went to Vegas the next day.
Crap, and there's a link to her memorial page.
Okay, what is going on with you? You're ignoring customers, the muffin dome is a disaster, and you didn't even laugh at the new "dilbert" I put on the community board.
Mark, nobody laughs at that.
They're drawing an analogy where he's the car and coffee is his gasoline.
Okay, look, all right, for the first time in my life, I have old club stamps on my hand, okay? The other day, I put on a leather jacket, and I wasn't pretending to be Sandy in "grease.
" Chloe's got me in with the in crowd, and I I-I really don't want to let that go.
Interesting goals.
Pretty different from when you first moved here.
Remember when your top priority was getting a job on wall street? I am still trying to get a job on wall street.
I am sending my resume out every day, but no one is hiring, so in the meantime, I'm just gonna hang out with Chloe.
I-I don't know if you know this or not, but I wasn't really the most popular girl in high school.
You know, hanging out with Chloe is just a way to avoid reality.
All she does is party.
If you don't have a working liver, you have nothing in common.
That's not true.
We definitely have a lot in common.
I mean, we both think that we saw "sleeping with the enemy," but we're not sure.
Oh, I saw that.
Wait.
Did I? Maybe it is structural.
Oh, my God.
You should fire Luther.
He made a mistake.
It happens.
He said he's gonna make it right.
You should make him cry and then kick him and then kiss him to confuse him and then fire him.
Shitagi Nashi.
You pretended you haven't heard of them, but I looked under the floorboard and see that you have every issue.
Oh, um, I just have those because stalkers send them to me.
Oh, really? Well, then you won't mind if I remove them from the plastic cover they no! Your finger oils! Aha! I knew it! Okay, fine.
I think they're cool.
Let's not make a big deal about it.
Chloe, there's no need to be embarrassed about being replicated in other media formats.
I've got an entire room dedicated to various James Van Der Beek action figures.
Hmm.
Who do I want to play with today? Chloe, this is a big deal For us.
I mean, it means that we have something else in common besides liking to party.
For example, you're not the only one who inspired a comic book.
"The adventures of trina & sissy"! You were friends with a lot of your mom's friends, weren't you? I made it in high school.
I didn't want to show you earlier, because you didn't seem so impressed by the novels, but now It's about me and my best friend, who spent prom night in the band room, eating oranges and playing flute duets.
Some say prom is the most important night of the year, but not to trina and sissy.
They had bigger plans than getting groped by basketball players and narrowly missing teen pregnancy and a Aah! Aah! Aah! Aa a aah! Aah! Oh.
What? Ohh.
That's all right.
That's okay.
There's there's another copy, so don't feel bad.
Wait a minute.
That that looks familiar.
Did did you send me an issue where trina and sissy break into the set on "Dawson's creek" and force me to be their algebra teacher? No.
Okay, good, 'cause that was creepy, man.
I gave that to the FBI.
Look, I think the comics are cool because I like looking at myself.
I think they're cool the way that mirrors are cool.
I'm not a comic book nerd.
Chloe, but there is a whole other side of you that you are hiding from the world, and that side of you might want to hang out with me and do something that doesn't rupture my stomach lining.
Like what? Well, it's active, but it's not physical.
It involves fashion, and you get to throw things.
It's bowling, but before you say no I'm in.
Really? Yes.
Go get your ball, June.
This is not bowling.
I know.
I would never go bowling, but I wanted to go out with Paulo tonight.
He's number three in my man rotation.
He's poorer than number one but hotter than number six.
Anyway, he always brings his creepy roommate, so I thought you could keep him busy.
Ciao! Come on, Paulo.
Hi.
I'm June.
Patrick.
Oh, my.
You are Patrick Kelly! You are the creator of "tall slut no panties"! You know my work, but you're not Japanese or my mother.
No, I'm June.
I'm Chloe's roommate.
I should introduce you to her.
She she would love to meet you.
No way.
Uh I prefer to lurk in the shadows and appear creepy and weird, do my thing from afar.
Here we are at our underwater wedding.
She's the mermaid.
So when Paulo goes out with Chloe, you just kinda.
.
You tag along and you hang out in the corner or Yeah.
Patrick, um That's kinda sad.
I mean, do you really want to spend your life following this girl around from bar to bar? How is that any different from what you're doing? You're right.
What the hell am I doing? I am not a woodchuck anymore, and neither are you.
I have no idea what that means.
It means that we gotta start living our own lives and stop following around some girl that doesn't even know that we're here.
This is stupid.
Hey, Beeker.
You wanted to see me? "Beeker.
" I love it.
Uh, yeah, come on in.
Yeah, I wanted to talk dance belts.
Whoa.
Did you do all this? Oh, the redec? Yeah, uh, you know, I just had Luther throw some stuff up on the walls, you know, restock the fridge.
Wow.
It's Wow.
Oh.
You like it? You know what? You should take it.
Really? Yeah, it's, uh, it's a little too lush for me.
You know, I-I want to just kinda get back to the basics, focus on my dancing.
Here are the keys.
Here's the master remote.
Come on, James.
You think I couldn't tell instantly that my dressing room is I can count ceiling tiles, too, my friend.
You want to snow somebody, take it next door to Fred savage.
Ohh.
I'm sorry, James.
I-I thought this would fix it.
Yeah, I know you did And that's the problem.
What are you saying? I I need to think about some things.
I-I I need to think about us.
I see.
Well, then I need to think about the conversation I had with the misses tia and tamera mowry.
When the black Olsen twins call, you answer.
I just feel so refocused, you know? I mean, as soon as Patrick pointed it out to me, it all became clear.
I totally lost track of what I came here to do, so I am recommitting myself to my goals.
Patrick? Who's Patrick? I pointed that stuff out to you.
Mark, it's not a competition between you and Patrick.
Who the hell is Patrick? But if it were, he'd be winning.
Oh, good.
You're just in time for the new issue of "no panties.
" Oh.
My bad.
It's "strong bowling girl talks a lot!" Whatever the hell that is! Is that is that me? You know it is, you bitch.
You killed tall slut no panties! I had no idea that Patrick was gonna write about me.
Your boobs are just normal boobs, and you go around Manhattan bowling and giving people pep talks.
What the hell kind of character is that?! Once again, I find myself having to defend bowling, and I won't do it.
It doesn't need me to.
You knew this was important to me, and you ruined it.
I didn't mean to.
I mean, it will not happen again.
In case you haven't noticed, I have been trying to do my own thing now.
I'm the one that does my own thing! I am the one with all the things! Chloe, I'm having issues with Luther, so I have to pick up my own beauty supplies.
Do you want to come? I'm sorry, James.
I can't.
I've got plans.
I'm going bowling like boring people.
This is what you've reduced me to.
I hope you're happy.
Come on.
You you are being such a drama queen right now.
Oops.
Forgot about these.
What are you doing? You're tall slut no panties.
Not anymore, James.
Not anymore.
I just hope I don't get knocked in the crotch by some lady bowler's functional purse.
Ohh.
What a baby! This is exactly what I do not like about cool people.
They are so into themselves! Do I like myself better upside down? You know, that girl has a life that most people would kill for, but you know what? She's upset because she's not in a comic book.
It's not about being in a comic book, June.
See, Chloe's the "it" girl now, but that only lasts so long.
Do you remember mumms Von Troyer? Who? Mumms was the "it" girl when Chloe first moved to New York.
Now she's dead or lives on a horse farm or makes organic baby food.
I don't know.
Who cares? The point is, nobody remembers her.
That's the nature of the "it" girl.
It's fleeting.
Chloe gets that, but having her life chronicled in a book was a way to feel like she'd always be remembered.
I gotta go.
Ahh.
Yeah.
I understand more than anybody how fleeting fame can be.
It puts a lot of pressure on you.
Sometimes you take it out on those you love the most.
Wait a minute.
I just realized something.
That's what's happening with you and Chloe.
Where have you been? Letting the "dancing with the stars" tailor know your measurements, in case I'm no longer in your employ.
I told them you like a festive lining, if the garment allows it.
I want to show you something.
I broke through the wall and stole Fred savage's dressing room.
Mine is now bigger than Dean Cain's.
I guess now you have everything.
Actually, I did it for you.
This is your space.
Training for the mirror ball trophy is stressful.
I need to be able to take that out on somebody.
I-I want that someone to be you.
You're an amazing assistant.
Slash friend.
Slash friend who I pay.
Okay.
Ugh! Panties.
I can't get comfortable.
How does Hillary Clinton do it? Here.
What is it? Open it.
It's a new issue of "Trina & Sissy" with a special guest star, tall slut no panties.
You crash the high school prom.
You kill trina and then use Trina's corpse to kill sissy, and then you corkscrew into the earth until you reach its molten lava core.
Why did you do this? I know how it feels to be afraid you're gonna be forgotten.
That's why I was so desperate to hang out with you, because I didn't want you to leave me behind.
What are you talking about? I'm not afraid of being forgotten.
Well, in case you ever are, you have this.
It's not huge in Japan.
No one's ever gonna read it, but you have your own copy, and I have mine, too.
You can burn it if you want to.
You gave me some pretty fierce boobs.
I traced candy corn.
"Muahahaha! I won! Now to the earth's core!" I guess I can keep it.
You know, if I ever need to wrap a fish or something.
Cool.
Where you going? To bed.
I spent all night drawing in the rubber bands in sissy's braces, so Absolutely not.
We're going out.
Chloe, I can't party.
We still don't have anything in common.
Look, we don't have to have anything in common, okay? We're friends.
Whatever.
Ohh! I can see.
That is so much better.
Mm! And so Chloe and June went out into the night together.
It was not fun for June.
Look at me! Don't look at her! Are you having a fun birthday? Hey! The rest of us need to throw up, too, you know? Chloe, get in the cab! Shut up, goblin! I don't know you! Chloe! Chloe!