Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e07 Episode Script
Vinnie Video Vici
We are now entering the room of the well-known teenage doctor, Dr.
doogie howser, m.
D.
Obviously, the good doctor WAS NOT EXPECTING HOUSE AND GARDEN to stop by for a photo layout.
WHAT EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HIS PROSTATE.
Number 1-- don't go looking for it.
WHILE DR.
HOWSER IS BUSY WITH HISTOILET, let's take this opportunity to learn about the man from his artifacts.
He's a man of many facets-- doctor, voyeur Animal lover.
But, hey, what are we waiting for? This is our chance to meet Dr.
howser in a very informal setting.
And I try, ho, and I try oh, no, i can't get no ba da ba I can't get no ba da ba when I'm drivin' in my car and my man turns on the radi-- Hey! What are you doing? Hey, you didn't tell me you had a chest hair.
Get out of here! If this is going to work, you got to keep your hands off my equipment.
What are you talking about? This is so great.
I'm making a video.
Me, Vinnie delpino! My teacher said pick a subject you find fascinating, so I picked you.
I find you fascinating in a demented, bizarre way, but I don't want to be in your video.
Canfield won't give you permission.
I already got it.
What? This is no Hollywood phony baloney.
This is nitty-gritty documentary film making.
Any chance you got to use the John? Go! Get lost! Ooh, I like that.
Tell me again, but have fun with it.
You're not listening to me.
Because you're not telling me what I want to hear.
It's a technique i use with my mother.
I find it very effective.
I wonder if Spielberg had these problems.
In short, I'm holding you responsible for the actions of Vinnie delpino while he's in this hospital making his student video.
That's not fair.
I don't even want to be in Vinnie's video.
I don't like this, either.
I was asked to give permission to him as a personal favor to Anthony j.
Castaldo who last year donated $2 million to eastman medical and who has pledged to match that sum this year.
Dr.
canfield, surely our privacy and the dignity of this hospital is worth more than $4 million.
This is going to be so cool.
Look! Anthony j.
Castaldo.
He got me permission to make my video here.
My mentor, my patron, my goomba! It's fortunate your goomba's granddaughter is in love with you.
It's even more fortunate i never dated her.
You won't regret this.
I'm taking this very seriously.
You better.
It's tough enough being a doctor without a camera following me around.
I don't want this to intrude.
Intrude? There's the misunderstanding.
The point of making documentaries is for the documentarian to stand back and observe.
Nobody will even know I'm here.
Well, hello, ladies.
I'm Vincent delpino, filmmaker, and this is my esteemed subject, Dr.
Douglas howser.
Vinnie, could you cool it? I'm making a documentary about Dr.
howser.
Good.
Don't be afraid of intimacy.
Crowd around him like you're conferring with him.
You don't have to do that.
Angels of mercy with the dedicated young physician.
A little more admiration, please, ladies.
Ladies, wet your lips.
They'll look better on camera.
Vinnie.
Again, please.
Holy mackerel.
We have an abdominal wound here.
Let's move, let's move.
It hurts.
Aah! Oh, god! We're all ready up in o.
B.
I hate this! Can't you give me something? No wonder girls don't want to have sex.
Hello there.
I'm Vincent delpino.
Mind if I tape you for my documentary? Whoa.
No problem.
I understand.
Some guys just ain't that photogenic.
HASTA LUEGO.
What's going on? Construction accident.
You better stay out.
This could be pretty messy.
I can handle it.
It's all in a day's work.
O.
K.
You're the boss.
I'm Dr.
howser.
What happened, bud? Wait a minute.
You're a kid.
True.
But I'm also a genius.
If that's a problem, I can get you an older doctor who's not as smart.
Doc, I'm using the power saw.
This killer redhead walks by.
The next thing i know, I've only got nine fingers.
I like redheads, too.
Do we have his thumb? Right here, doctor.
I heard you're supposed to keep it cold.
Oh, gross! I found a couple Italian ices.
Just a sec, bud.
You o.
K.
, Vinnie? You just fainted.
You'll be fine.
I'll take care of him.
Take deep breaths.
Are you trying to look up my skirt? Yes, ma'am.
Hi, Megan.
I'm Dr.
howser.
You hurt your arm? Bruce pushed me.
Bruce is the dog.
They were playing on the bed, and she rolled off.
It was the kind of fall kids always take.
I expected her to jump up.
Instead, she starts screaming.
Can I see your arm? Mm-mmm.
It hurts pretty bad, huh? Doog.
Come on in, Vinnie.
Megan, my friend Vinnie is making a movie about me.
Could Megan be in it? With those lips, those eyes? She's a young Molly ringwald.
Want to be my costar? Go ahead, honey.
Great.
Let's see.
What can we be doing that's doctorlike? You could look at my arm.
That's a great idea.
Vinnie.
O.
K.
Action.
I'll be very careful.
Push against my hand as hard as you can.
Is it broken? I can't say officially without x-rays, but it looks that way.
I don't understand.
All she did was roll off the bed.
I wouldn't worry so much.
Sometimes kids just fall in funny ways.
Is there kissing in this movie? Anything Vinnie's involved in gets to that eventually.
O.
K.
How old is the child? That fracture's not through normal bone.
There's a bony lesion around the fracture site.
That's why it broke so easily.
There are benign possibilities.
It could be osteomyelitis.
We won't know till after a biopsy.
Dr.
howser, we're hoping for the best, but you've got to prepare her parents for what this looks like.
Ewing's sarcoma.
Hang back on this one, Vinnie.
The deal we made is total access.
I get to go anywhere.
Not this time.
But that's our deal.
Vinnie, you don't understand.
I've got to tell that woman her daughter may have cancer.
DR.
MURRAY, CALL YOUR SERVICE.
DR.
MURRAY, CALL YOUR SERVICE.
DR.
COHEN TO CARDIOLOGY.
We're having dinner at the Lewis' tonight.
Oh, yes, something from the sea.
Poached, no butter.
Top of the morning to you, Dr.
h, Mrs.
h.
Doogie told me to wait for him down here.
We're riding to the hospital together.
Good morning, Vinnie.
So, Dr.
howser, how do you feel about having a son who's, like, 10 times smarter than you? I think you're exaggerating, Vincent.
No way.
I think you are.
But of course, having a son like doogie makes me very proud.
Dr.
howser, did you ever notice, when you get mad, this vein in your head turns purple and starts to bulge? Yeah.
Just like that.
Vinnie, maybe it's time to put the camera down and eat some breakfast.
Thanks, but I'm not hungry.
Vinnie.
Yes, ma'am.
My video's going great.
I've been with doogie for three days now.
I'm really getting inside his skin.
I can imagine.
By the way, Mrs.
h, about yesterday morning, believe me, if I knew you were parading around like that, I would have never come upstairs unannounced.
What is he talking about? Just a brief, unexpected encounter, dear.
You're a very beautiful woman, Mrs.
howser.
Vincent.
Oh, not to worry, Dr.
h.
I erased the tape.
Scout's honor.
And I never once used my zooms.
Katherine.
Hey.
Hey, howser, wait up! Can you believe it? He forgot me.
What an eccentric genius.
Hi, Megan.
I brought you something for your splint.
Hey, that's pretty.
Today's the day of my operation, right? It's called a biopsy, remember? Is it going to hurt? Yes.
Uh-oh.
LookMegan, when I was your age, i was sick, and the doctor told me something wasn't going to hurt, and then it did.
And from then on, i didn't trust him.
And every time he did something to me after that, I was more afraid than I had to be.
So, I promised myself when I became a doctor, I'd never lie to a kid.
And I'm never going to lie to you, either.
Perfect.
So, here's what's going to happen.
When you wake up from your operation, you'll feel kind of icky and your throat's going to hurt and you might even throw up.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's a drag, but I promise that the first person you'll see will be me.
And if you want to know anything, anything at all, just ask, and I'll tell you the truth.
'Cause you'll never lie to a kid.
Right? Yeah.
[Woman.]
Get out of here! Don't be alarmed.
I'm a filmmaker.
This isn't a gratuitous sponge bath.
Get out of here! Yo, dude! Hi, Vinnie.
Where you been? In surgery.
Megan had her biopsy.
How'd it go? It would be a breach of ethics to tell you before i tell her parents.
I don't want you to breach anything, but could you do me a favor? Could you come off the elevator again? Wear the mask.
It's a medical look.
Get that camera out of my face.
I haven't had any privacy for three days.
I'm going to talk to these parents, and you stick a camera in my face.
I'm a filmmaker.
This is like 50,000 of those other things you were gonna be.
When you were 6, and said, "I'm going to be a doctor, I didn't laugh at you.
There are plenty of guys that would've.
Vinnie I'm almost done.
You're not almost done.
You're completely done.
Fade out.
The end.
Goodbye.
Yeah? The strangest thing just happened.
The doorbell rang, i answered it, and Vincent delpino walked in through the door.
Is your window stuck? What's that, the great video? Yeah.
He asked me to give it to you.
I don't want it.
Why not? It's probably totally embarrassing.
Maybe not.
He acts like a kid.
He's totally insensitive, and half the time he's out of control.
Well, he is impulsive.
Remember your medical school commencement? He stood up on his chair and screamed, "yo, way to go, howser!" He was next to your grandmother.
I thought she was going to faint.
And Remember when all your hair fell out from the chemotherapy? Vinnie marched right into the bathroom and shaved his head as a show of solidarity.
Just in case.
Well, good night, son.
Good night, dad.
CLEAN SHIRT NEW SHOES AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO SILK SUIT BLACK TIE I DON'T NEED A REASON WHY Hello? I'll be there in a second.
CRAZY 'BOUT A SHARP-DRESSED MAN Dr.
howser, meet some colleagues from Japan here to study our trauma center.
These are doctors nakayama, Tanaka, masuda, and shimizu.
[Speaking japanese.]
[Speaking japanese.]
He picked it up from the gardener.
As soon as I realized his facility for languages, we started taking a Spanish class together, and by the end of the first week he was helping me with my homework.
That's how it started.
[VINNIE.]
THANK GOD FOR MOTHERS, BECAUSE THERE WERE THOSE WHO HAD DOUBTS.
To tell you the truth, I never saw anything special in the boy.
He constantly questioned my authority.
HE WAS NEVER NEAT AND TIDY.
He refused to color inside the lines.
He ate paste.
I've never had a 3-year-old call me a bureaucrat before.
Vinnie! Come on, Wanda.
I want to know about doogie howser, the lover.
Talk now, or he'll bug us all night.
O.
K.
, Vinnie.
Doogie howser Is the gentlest, sweetest guy I've ever gone out with.
When I first heard about him, I thought he'd be a brainy conehead or something, but he's not like that at all.
I mean, when it comes to girls, he's really kind of dumb.
Hey.
No.
I like that.
I like it a lot.
Doogie howser? He's one of the better residents in the hospital.
The best.
BUT BEING THE BEST ALMOST WASN'T ENOUGH.
I'll be honest.
My initial reaction was to reject Douglas howser for a residency at this hospital.
I didn't feel that a 16-year-old could handle the physical or emotional demands.
Whatever else you learn about Dr.
howser, you should know that he is under Come on.
incredible pressure.
Come on! Come on! Incredible pressure.
And if he blows once in a while, wellWe all do.
Vinnie-- I'm almost done.
You're not almost done.
You're completely done.
Fade out.
The end.
Goodbye.
That a 16-year-old boy can acquit himself as well as he does is A testament to his abilities.
I guess the hardest part about being a doctor is learning to keep an emotional distance so I don't get bummed out by the terrible things I see.
At the same time, I want to make sure I don't protect myself so much emotionally that I'm not affected as a human being.
I mean, I'm in this because I like people, right? We've totally ruled out ewing's sarcoma.
It was a benign lesion.
It's a rare condition called histiocytosis.
You're saying it's not cancer? That's exactly what I'm saying.
The surgery removed all traces of the lesion.
There's no concern about reoccurrence.
Megan's absolutely fine.
Thank god.
Thank you.
So that's my friend doogie howser.
Even though he's a genius and a doctor and mostly perfect, he can be as big a jerk as anybody, I appreciate that.
It makes us more equal.
Otherwise, how could we be best friends, right? I guess that's it.
Except for one other thing.
I've known doogie since we were 5.
He's like a permanent fixture in my life.
If something's going to be there permanently like your mother or sister or something, you'd be pretty lucky to get doogie howser.
At least that's how I feel.
This is Vincent delpino.
Good night.
doogie howser, m.
D.
Obviously, the good doctor WAS NOT EXPECTING HOUSE AND GARDEN to stop by for a photo layout.
WHAT EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HIS PROSTATE.
Number 1-- don't go looking for it.
WHILE DR.
HOWSER IS BUSY WITH HISTOILET, let's take this opportunity to learn about the man from his artifacts.
He's a man of many facets-- doctor, voyeur Animal lover.
But, hey, what are we waiting for? This is our chance to meet Dr.
howser in a very informal setting.
And I try, ho, and I try oh, no, i can't get no ba da ba I can't get no ba da ba when I'm drivin' in my car and my man turns on the radi-- Hey! What are you doing? Hey, you didn't tell me you had a chest hair.
Get out of here! If this is going to work, you got to keep your hands off my equipment.
What are you talking about? This is so great.
I'm making a video.
Me, Vinnie delpino! My teacher said pick a subject you find fascinating, so I picked you.
I find you fascinating in a demented, bizarre way, but I don't want to be in your video.
Canfield won't give you permission.
I already got it.
What? This is no Hollywood phony baloney.
This is nitty-gritty documentary film making.
Any chance you got to use the John? Go! Get lost! Ooh, I like that.
Tell me again, but have fun with it.
You're not listening to me.
Because you're not telling me what I want to hear.
It's a technique i use with my mother.
I find it very effective.
I wonder if Spielberg had these problems.
In short, I'm holding you responsible for the actions of Vinnie delpino while he's in this hospital making his student video.
That's not fair.
I don't even want to be in Vinnie's video.
I don't like this, either.
I was asked to give permission to him as a personal favor to Anthony j.
Castaldo who last year donated $2 million to eastman medical and who has pledged to match that sum this year.
Dr.
canfield, surely our privacy and the dignity of this hospital is worth more than $4 million.
This is going to be so cool.
Look! Anthony j.
Castaldo.
He got me permission to make my video here.
My mentor, my patron, my goomba! It's fortunate your goomba's granddaughter is in love with you.
It's even more fortunate i never dated her.
You won't regret this.
I'm taking this very seriously.
You better.
It's tough enough being a doctor without a camera following me around.
I don't want this to intrude.
Intrude? There's the misunderstanding.
The point of making documentaries is for the documentarian to stand back and observe.
Nobody will even know I'm here.
Well, hello, ladies.
I'm Vincent delpino, filmmaker, and this is my esteemed subject, Dr.
Douglas howser.
Vinnie, could you cool it? I'm making a documentary about Dr.
howser.
Good.
Don't be afraid of intimacy.
Crowd around him like you're conferring with him.
You don't have to do that.
Angels of mercy with the dedicated young physician.
A little more admiration, please, ladies.
Ladies, wet your lips.
They'll look better on camera.
Vinnie.
Again, please.
Holy mackerel.
We have an abdominal wound here.
Let's move, let's move.
It hurts.
Aah! Oh, god! We're all ready up in o.
B.
I hate this! Can't you give me something? No wonder girls don't want to have sex.
Hello there.
I'm Vincent delpino.
Mind if I tape you for my documentary? Whoa.
No problem.
I understand.
Some guys just ain't that photogenic.
HASTA LUEGO.
What's going on? Construction accident.
You better stay out.
This could be pretty messy.
I can handle it.
It's all in a day's work.
O.
K.
You're the boss.
I'm Dr.
howser.
What happened, bud? Wait a minute.
You're a kid.
True.
But I'm also a genius.
If that's a problem, I can get you an older doctor who's not as smart.
Doc, I'm using the power saw.
This killer redhead walks by.
The next thing i know, I've only got nine fingers.
I like redheads, too.
Do we have his thumb? Right here, doctor.
I heard you're supposed to keep it cold.
Oh, gross! I found a couple Italian ices.
Just a sec, bud.
You o.
K.
, Vinnie? You just fainted.
You'll be fine.
I'll take care of him.
Take deep breaths.
Are you trying to look up my skirt? Yes, ma'am.
Hi, Megan.
I'm Dr.
howser.
You hurt your arm? Bruce pushed me.
Bruce is the dog.
They were playing on the bed, and she rolled off.
It was the kind of fall kids always take.
I expected her to jump up.
Instead, she starts screaming.
Can I see your arm? Mm-mmm.
It hurts pretty bad, huh? Doog.
Come on in, Vinnie.
Megan, my friend Vinnie is making a movie about me.
Could Megan be in it? With those lips, those eyes? She's a young Molly ringwald.
Want to be my costar? Go ahead, honey.
Great.
Let's see.
What can we be doing that's doctorlike? You could look at my arm.
That's a great idea.
Vinnie.
O.
K.
Action.
I'll be very careful.
Push against my hand as hard as you can.
Is it broken? I can't say officially without x-rays, but it looks that way.
I don't understand.
All she did was roll off the bed.
I wouldn't worry so much.
Sometimes kids just fall in funny ways.
Is there kissing in this movie? Anything Vinnie's involved in gets to that eventually.
O.
K.
How old is the child? That fracture's not through normal bone.
There's a bony lesion around the fracture site.
That's why it broke so easily.
There are benign possibilities.
It could be osteomyelitis.
We won't know till after a biopsy.
Dr.
howser, we're hoping for the best, but you've got to prepare her parents for what this looks like.
Ewing's sarcoma.
Hang back on this one, Vinnie.
The deal we made is total access.
I get to go anywhere.
Not this time.
But that's our deal.
Vinnie, you don't understand.
I've got to tell that woman her daughter may have cancer.
DR.
MURRAY, CALL YOUR SERVICE.
DR.
MURRAY, CALL YOUR SERVICE.
DR.
COHEN TO CARDIOLOGY.
We're having dinner at the Lewis' tonight.
Oh, yes, something from the sea.
Poached, no butter.
Top of the morning to you, Dr.
h, Mrs.
h.
Doogie told me to wait for him down here.
We're riding to the hospital together.
Good morning, Vinnie.
So, Dr.
howser, how do you feel about having a son who's, like, 10 times smarter than you? I think you're exaggerating, Vincent.
No way.
I think you are.
But of course, having a son like doogie makes me very proud.
Dr.
howser, did you ever notice, when you get mad, this vein in your head turns purple and starts to bulge? Yeah.
Just like that.
Vinnie, maybe it's time to put the camera down and eat some breakfast.
Thanks, but I'm not hungry.
Vinnie.
Yes, ma'am.
My video's going great.
I've been with doogie for three days now.
I'm really getting inside his skin.
I can imagine.
By the way, Mrs.
h, about yesterday morning, believe me, if I knew you were parading around like that, I would have never come upstairs unannounced.
What is he talking about? Just a brief, unexpected encounter, dear.
You're a very beautiful woman, Mrs.
howser.
Vincent.
Oh, not to worry, Dr.
h.
I erased the tape.
Scout's honor.
And I never once used my zooms.
Katherine.
Hey.
Hey, howser, wait up! Can you believe it? He forgot me.
What an eccentric genius.
Hi, Megan.
I brought you something for your splint.
Hey, that's pretty.
Today's the day of my operation, right? It's called a biopsy, remember? Is it going to hurt? Yes.
Uh-oh.
LookMegan, when I was your age, i was sick, and the doctor told me something wasn't going to hurt, and then it did.
And from then on, i didn't trust him.
And every time he did something to me after that, I was more afraid than I had to be.
So, I promised myself when I became a doctor, I'd never lie to a kid.
And I'm never going to lie to you, either.
Perfect.
So, here's what's going to happen.
When you wake up from your operation, you'll feel kind of icky and your throat's going to hurt and you might even throw up.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's a drag, but I promise that the first person you'll see will be me.
And if you want to know anything, anything at all, just ask, and I'll tell you the truth.
'Cause you'll never lie to a kid.
Right? Yeah.
[Woman.]
Get out of here! Don't be alarmed.
I'm a filmmaker.
This isn't a gratuitous sponge bath.
Get out of here! Yo, dude! Hi, Vinnie.
Where you been? In surgery.
Megan had her biopsy.
How'd it go? It would be a breach of ethics to tell you before i tell her parents.
I don't want you to breach anything, but could you do me a favor? Could you come off the elevator again? Wear the mask.
It's a medical look.
Get that camera out of my face.
I haven't had any privacy for three days.
I'm going to talk to these parents, and you stick a camera in my face.
I'm a filmmaker.
This is like 50,000 of those other things you were gonna be.
When you were 6, and said, "I'm going to be a doctor, I didn't laugh at you.
There are plenty of guys that would've.
Vinnie I'm almost done.
You're not almost done.
You're completely done.
Fade out.
The end.
Goodbye.
Yeah? The strangest thing just happened.
The doorbell rang, i answered it, and Vincent delpino walked in through the door.
Is your window stuck? What's that, the great video? Yeah.
He asked me to give it to you.
I don't want it.
Why not? It's probably totally embarrassing.
Maybe not.
He acts like a kid.
He's totally insensitive, and half the time he's out of control.
Well, he is impulsive.
Remember your medical school commencement? He stood up on his chair and screamed, "yo, way to go, howser!" He was next to your grandmother.
I thought she was going to faint.
And Remember when all your hair fell out from the chemotherapy? Vinnie marched right into the bathroom and shaved his head as a show of solidarity.
Just in case.
Well, good night, son.
Good night, dad.
CLEAN SHIRT NEW SHOES AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO SILK SUIT BLACK TIE I DON'T NEED A REASON WHY Hello? I'll be there in a second.
CRAZY 'BOUT A SHARP-DRESSED MAN Dr.
howser, meet some colleagues from Japan here to study our trauma center.
These are doctors nakayama, Tanaka, masuda, and shimizu.
[Speaking japanese.]
[Speaking japanese.]
He picked it up from the gardener.
As soon as I realized his facility for languages, we started taking a Spanish class together, and by the end of the first week he was helping me with my homework.
That's how it started.
[VINNIE.]
THANK GOD FOR MOTHERS, BECAUSE THERE WERE THOSE WHO HAD DOUBTS.
To tell you the truth, I never saw anything special in the boy.
He constantly questioned my authority.
HE WAS NEVER NEAT AND TIDY.
He refused to color inside the lines.
He ate paste.
I've never had a 3-year-old call me a bureaucrat before.
Vinnie! Come on, Wanda.
I want to know about doogie howser, the lover.
Talk now, or he'll bug us all night.
O.
K.
, Vinnie.
Doogie howser Is the gentlest, sweetest guy I've ever gone out with.
When I first heard about him, I thought he'd be a brainy conehead or something, but he's not like that at all.
I mean, when it comes to girls, he's really kind of dumb.
Hey.
No.
I like that.
I like it a lot.
Doogie howser? He's one of the better residents in the hospital.
The best.
BUT BEING THE BEST ALMOST WASN'T ENOUGH.
I'll be honest.
My initial reaction was to reject Douglas howser for a residency at this hospital.
I didn't feel that a 16-year-old could handle the physical or emotional demands.
Whatever else you learn about Dr.
howser, you should know that he is under Come on.
incredible pressure.
Come on! Come on! Incredible pressure.
And if he blows once in a while, wellWe all do.
Vinnie-- I'm almost done.
You're not almost done.
You're completely done.
Fade out.
The end.
Goodbye.
That a 16-year-old boy can acquit himself as well as he does is A testament to his abilities.
I guess the hardest part about being a doctor is learning to keep an emotional distance so I don't get bummed out by the terrible things I see.
At the same time, I want to make sure I don't protect myself so much emotionally that I'm not affected as a human being.
I mean, I'm in this because I like people, right? We've totally ruled out ewing's sarcoma.
It was a benign lesion.
It's a rare condition called histiocytosis.
You're saying it's not cancer? That's exactly what I'm saying.
The surgery removed all traces of the lesion.
There's no concern about reoccurrence.
Megan's absolutely fine.
Thank god.
Thank you.
So that's my friend doogie howser.
Even though he's a genius and a doctor and mostly perfect, he can be as big a jerk as anybody, I appreciate that.
It makes us more equal.
Otherwise, how could we be best friends, right? I guess that's it.
Except for one other thing.
I've known doogie since we were 5.
He's like a permanent fixture in my life.
If something's going to be there permanently like your mother or sister or something, you'd be pretty lucky to get doogie howser.
At least that's how I feel.
This is Vincent delpino.
Good night.