Downward Dog (2017) s01e07 Episode Script
Getting What You Always Wanted
1 [Cellphone chiming.]
Martin: Honestly, I'm a little bit worried about Nan.
I'm just catching some red flags.
She's not sleeping.
She's been talking to herself, like, all the time.
Nan: So it's the day of the launch.
You're probably tired.
You're probably drinking too much.
It might seem like your vision has been compromised by a million factors, mostly Kevin.
But today, your campaign is going to launch in hundreds of stores.
And I know you may not feel like it, but I promise you, this is worth it.
Just get through this day.
And, like, I want to say this sensitively, but, like, I've kind of noticed that she's letting her legs get furry.
Yeah.
Definitely a long-pants day, bud.
18-hour day, buddy.
You're coming with me.
And usually, like, when Nan's self-care starts slipping, it's, like, a sure sign that we'll be spending lots of time together in bed, like, snuggle-crying.
But this past month, she's barely even been home.
And even when she is home, she's kind of like frantically moving her attention from screen to screen.
Okay.
What's your plan here, bud? And, I mean, when I was younger, I would have taken it really, really personally.
[Groans.]
Back, back, back, back, back, back, back.
Now I'm more mature.
That's very helpful.
I just want to help.
I feel like telling her, like, "I can tell something's wrong, so, like, help me help you.
Let me know what's going on.
" But you can be wild horses on that hill You can be wild horses You can stop at will Oh, hi.
How long have you been here? Uh, since like 6:00.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, you know.
I wasn't gonna be able to sleep the night before a launch, so Oh, wait, are you doing the Metro displays? You know I was gonna come in to finish those off.
Yeah, I know.
I just figured, um, I was here, so, why not? Also, I had some specific thoughts.
Uh, but I did I-I made you some coffee so you wouldn't be irritated by my micromanaging.
Ah, my favorite mug! Yay, hooray.
Why is there a Jason here? Hi.
- 'Sup, Jenn? - 'Sup.
The display's looking good.
Should be ready in like an hour.
Thank you very much, my temporary colleague.
Anything for our corporate overlords.
Hi, Jason.
Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Who's my bestest friend? Huh? Bye, Nan.
What? He's my friend.
Look, I'm sorry you guys are fighting, but he's good at video stuff.
And he really needs the money.
It's fine.
I mean, I get it.
And, on the plus side, he did say two words to me, which is an improvement.
I've been texting him, like, all week and and nothing.
I even I sent him a picture of an apple that looks like a butt.
I mean, look at that.
He didn't say anything.
He loves fruit that looks like butts.
That's like That's like our thing.
Sometimes I think it's a miracle either of you ever found someone to love.
[Chuckles.]
It's a butt.
Martin: This morning, as we were leaving, like, something happened.
All right, bud.
Come on, let's go.
[Gasps.]
I saw that Pepper had left one more of her, like, psychotic death threats on the porch.
All right, that's gross.
Martin: Which, like like, she does so much, I've kind of, like, gotten used to.
But now I realize, that's the thing that's actually insane, getting accustomed to a serial killer leaving bodies on the doorstep.
[Heartbeat.]
And now I'm like, "Oh, my God.
That's why Nan's so stressed.
" Like, that's why she's never home.
I mean, that's probably, like, why Jason left.
Like, everyone's, like, terrified "that Pepper's gonna kill them next.
" [Heartbeat quickens.]
Okay.
Ugh.
Poor little guy.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.
[Groans.]
I can feel its ribs.
It's, like, finally I understand.
I understand everything.
Hey, Sam, we should test the app, yeah? Uh, yeah.
Display's back here.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Keira, listen.
Um, we got someone on those bus wraps in San Fran, right? And what about those weird windows in Columbus? I e-mailed them last night, but they're on the West Coast, so they're not gonna be awake for like three hours.
Right.
And the windows.
Were laid out kind of strangely, so they pitched me a compromise, but No, listen.
Believe it or not, telling people that they're beautiful is going to be, like, deeply, personally offensive to hordes of Internet trolls.
Okay? So everything has to be perfect.
We're gonna have a massive target on our backs.
No compromises.
You got it.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, wow! This This looks great! Jason, really, really cool! I-I'm super impressed! Thank you! - Careful with the - It's all real - glass.
- Careful.
I'll be outside at the visual display if anybody needs me.
Three whole words.
[Clicks tongue.]
Okay, Sam, can you just walk me through this then? Okay.
So, you open the Clark & Bow app.
And that's where people are hashtagging their photos #BeautifulMe.
And then you choose a picture and hashtag it.
All right, so, weird picture of me and my dog, #Look And then all the hashtagged photos show up in the displays around the country.
Sending.
Oh! Wow! Ah, that's amazing.
This is how it's gonna look in Times Square, too, but just, like, you know, 40 times bigger.
Well, why are these showing up? These are so horrible.
- Oh, God.
- Oh No, these are private.
That's a private Very, very, very, very, very private folder.
How is it accessing all of these photos? Oh, you know when you download an app and you just accept all the terms without reading them? Yeah.
Well, you should read them.
You guys need to get woke.
If these can go through, what's to stop people from posting penis pics to Times Square? Okay, well, it's just a bug.
That's why we test it out.
Don't worry.
Just give me an hour.
Yep.
Martin: I guess I just feel bad because, like, now I get why Nan's, like, been bringing me to work.
It's like her cute, but, like, feeble attempt to protect me from that that monster.
And the thing is, that's supposed to be my job.
Like, dogs are here to protect humans and, like, of course I've done that for Nan.
Like, you would not believe the people I've stopped from tearing down the door.
[Barking.]
[Screaming.]
But the thing is, I'm the only one who can save us now.
Like, I see that.
They're just waiting for me to prove that I can save them.
Like, I need to show her that I'm ready.
That I realize the time is now.
It's time to kill that cat.
[Horn honks.]
Full-frontal nudity wasn't supposed to be part of this campaign, Jenn.
I know.
Just calm down.
It'll be fine, okay? We'll just figure We'll sort it all out.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Kev.
Hey, guys.
Yeah, you okay, Kevin? Oh, yeah.
Big-time okay.
Gwen really helped me out.
Yeah, Kevin's very relaxed because he made a big, grown-up decision today to go see the doctor about his emotional breakdowns on fall campaign launch days.
- Wow.
- I'm so proud of him.
Big pharma's really been upping their game.
My wife left me.
I am really sorry to hear that.
Kevin.
It's great.
It's fine.
He's fine.
It's really better off, actually.
And don't worry, Nan.
I totally trust you penis-wise.
P Oh! [Chuckles.]
Right.
The display, that Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Um, actually, I-I think we're getting close to a solution, though, 'cause Sam's writing a, um, like, a genitalia-sensing algorithm right now.
Which will It'll just filter all those right out.
Sam: Nan! What? Oh, my God.
No.
No, no.
Those are the original Kuddle Kats.
I'm so sorry, Sam.
And I-I-I will replace them, I promise.
And I Come on, Martin.
I know this sounds really callous, but Martin! Let's just, you know, let's just get back to work.
I'll send Martin home.
Gwen, can you take him? Take your dog to your house? Yeah, you're the only one I can spare, okay? So just take my car.
You're killing me here.
Let go of the cat.
I feel like you're judging me for wearing fur, but I didn't buy this jacket.
Martin: Like, it feels good to be inspiring because I was planning on training for, like, a month, but clearly Nan saw what I did to those test cats and said, "You know what? I think he's ready.
" Bye, Martin.
Like, I'm not stupid.
Like, I-I realize I might die, but the thing is, I'm doing this for the right reason to protect Nan and Jason and, like, the whole world.
And, yeah, like like, if I kill her, sure, there will be, like, parades in my honor and, you know, like, statues.
And maybe I'll finally get one of those trophies.
Nan keeps on her shelf, but all of that has no appeal to me.
Everything I do, I do for love.
Jenn, hey.
Have you seen Sam? Is she still crying or is she, like, back on target with her deadline? I realize how that sounds, and I only hate myself a little bit right now.
I would stay she's glassy-eyed but still coding.
Okay.
I think I'm gonna go check on her, yeah? Yeah, you should.
Okay, yep, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, Jan.
Hey Kev.
How ya How ya doing there, bud? I'm good.
[Chuckles.]
Good.
How are you? You look flustered.
- Uh, no, I'm okay.
I'm actually - Yeah? I'm gonna go, um, check on Sam just real fast.
It's just so strange.
I just I was always afraid that when my wife left, I'd be broken up, but I feel fine.
I'm floating.
It's strange, right? Yeah, I You know what? I cannot wait to talk to you about this in like three hours.
Okay? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, Nan, Uh, I'm okay, right? Yep.
Like, I'm not gonna get fired, am I? Probably not.
Okay, good.
You got this.
Martin: The thing is, I have an advantage.
Like, I know Pepper the way you can only know someone after you've eaten their, like, sweet little droppings for the better part of four years, which I've done.
Like, I've done that.
Like, they're actually amazing.
I know when she's sick.
I know when she's well.
Like, I know when she's been feeling, like, a little bit depressed.
Like, I can taste everything.
But most importantly, I know that every day, she comes to this little patch of sand.
It's where she's most vulnerable.
And all I have to do is wait.
Hey, Sam.
I am so, so sorry about Martin.
Uh, I don't want to sound insensitive, it's just that, um it's just a couple hours away from the launch, and I just thought maybe Yeah.
I already, um I, uh, created a penis-sensing algorithm so that it would delete all those photos.
Great! Wonderful! Tiny problem, though I was really flustered after everything and I, uh I-I inverted the if-then function.
What does that mean? Well, instead of deleting the penis pictures, it deleted everything else.
Like, all the photos that people hashtagged to go up in New York, they're all gone.
So, we don't have anything left, right? We have a billboard going up in Times Square in two hours and nothing but penises to fill it.
Is that it? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I think I'm getting a stress headache, actually.
Whew.
[Sighs.]
Martin: I know I have the tendency to exaggerate.
Like, once I told Jeff I buried 4,000 bones in the backyard when, in reality, it was probably like like eight.
Or like five.
Like, I buried five bones.
Like, often I stretch the truth.
I-I admit that.
But not today.
Because my whole life, I've lived in fear of this cat.
All of a sudden, that fear just, like, fell away and, for a moment, everything made sense.
I wasn't worried about what would happen next.
I was brave.
I was free.
[Barking, cat yowls.]
Jenn, we are so screwed.
Sam erased all of the photos, and now everything we've worked for is gonna be ruined.
Wait, all of them? Yep, all of them.
Maybe we can use stock photos.
We can't use stock photos 'cause it has to be real people.
- That's the whole point of the campaign.
- Yeah, I know that.
I'm just trying to find a solution.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I just I swear to God, if I don't do it myself, it doesn't get done right.
Oh, okay.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- I didn't I didn't mean you.
You know I didn't mean you.
That's not what I meant.
You know I'm just, like, trying to help you on this.
Hello? Oh, my God.
Are you sure it's Martin? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Someone'll be right there.
Jason, Martin's hurt.
What's that? The neighbor called and the cat, Pepper, next door scratched his scratched his face up.
Is he okay? I need you to go take him to the vet.
- Whoa, hold on.
What? - I need you to go get him.
I can't.
- I'm in the middle of a crisis right now.
- You got to be kidding me.
Please.
I can't leave right now, all right? I have to find a solution to this or the whole thing's gonna just fall apart.
It's an ad campaign, Nan.
It's gonna be forgotten in four days.
Martin is your dog.
What about all these other people in the building that don't have hurt dogs? They're not gonna do it right, okay? They're just gonna mess it up.
It's got to be perfect or I'm not gonna get this chance again.
Oh, that's right.
It has to be perfect.
- Everything has to be perfect for Nan.
- Jason - Seriously.
This is not the time for this.
- Just like I wasn't perfect, - just like our relationship wasn't perfect - I really need you to help me out, okay? - just like Pittsburgh isn't perfect.
- Jason.
Jason, are you gonna help me or not? Okay.
I will go get Martin.
I will just do everything myself.
I'm actually I'm getting pretty used to it at this point.
You're putting mirrors up all over the country, Nan, but maybe it's you who ought to look in the mirror.
Good one, Jason.
Really clever.
Hey, Gwen, can you put me through on speakerphone? Put Kevin in his office and, like, give him a Rubik's Cube or something, just to just to, like, keep him distracted, 'cause he's just gonna get in your way.
[Radiohead's "The National Anthem" plays.]
Martin: I mean, the crazy thing is that I had her.
I had her in my grasp.
No one was more shocked than me.
Like, I think, deep down, I always thought Pepper would kill me.
I mean, she has retractable blades, like, in her hand.
Which is, like, pretty over the top even for, like even for, like, a villain.
But I don't know.
Like, I had her cornered.
And she just looked so small and scared and I don't know what happened, but I just couldn't do it, you know? Like Like, I couldn't kill her.
So I let her go.
And then she, like, basically destroyed my face.
Because I'm weak.
I'm not a defender.
I couldn't defend anyone, like I'm not even, like, a real dog.
I'm just, like, an emotional, whiny little pussy cat.
Yeah, I understand that, Sam, but you have to try.
Okay? Nan, that pictures are gone.
What about, like, recovery mode or, like, digital ghosts or or or something? I mean, I thought nothing on the Internet was ever actually gone.
They were never on the Internet.
They were just on our server.
What about control-Z? Did you try control-Z yet? I'm gonna lose everything, aren't I? Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
[Sighs.]
Nan? Hello? Nan! Hello? Hey, there.
It doesn't have to be perfect, does it? I mean, look at us.
We're a mess, and we're great, right? Jenn: Nan, are you there? Guys, I know what to do.
Sam, you know those horrible pictures from my phone? Are they still in the system? Yep.
Even the penis one.
Okay, well, yeah.
Uh, delete those with that unrecoverable delete thing you managed to find earlier.
And the rest of them put them up on the display in Times Square.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I mean, it's not gonna be enough, but it's a start.
I mean, I guess the whole world's gonna get to see the real me, but I guess that's kind of the point, isn't it? Martin: I think I got so caught up in this whole destroying-Pepper thing that I kind of lost track of all the ways I do protect Nan.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I just wanted to tell you Martin was okay.
Oh, who's the roughest, toughest little cowboy there ever was, huh? Huh? [Laughs.]
Good boy.
Also, I just wanted to say that you're right about me.
I know I have some things to figure out, and I'm working on it, so.
That was, like, super hard for you to say, wasn't it? [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Um, also, I'm sorry for being so condescending and for trying to hold you to this impossible standard that I have for everyone, myself included.
'Cause you don't deserve that.
Nan.
You need to get in here.
[David Bowie's "Heroes" plays.]
Come on.
[Cheers and applause.]
I Look! I would be king I don't understand.
I thought it was just gonna be, like, weird pictures of me and my dog.
Jenn: Oh, yeah, well, it was.
But then you kind of inspired the staff, and so they all started sharing their horrible photos.
Even Kevin.
Didn't you, Kev? Yeah, but then the system filtered those out.
Yeah, the whole thing just took off.
That's actually kind of beautiful.
Mm-hmm.
We can beat them I did it.
Just for one day I really did it.
I'm so proud.
We can be heroes Martin: Because in 100 years, like, no one's gonna remember whether or not I killed some stupid little cat.
And so what if I'm not this, like, clichéd, violent, borderline-offensive stereotype of, like, the attack dog? That's not the kind of protector Nan needs anyway.
And I I'll drink all the time 'Cause we're lovers But in 100 years I'll tell you what they actually will remember the tenacity of my love.
Because maybe I'm just like a little mutt, and yeah, I'm afraid of cats.
But I love this woman more than anybody has ever loved anybody else, like like, ever.
drive them away We can be heroes [Cellphone dings.]
Just for one day [Cellphone chimes.]
We can be us Just for one day And maybe love is the greatest protection there is.
Martin: I remember the first time I ate one of Pepper's little, like, butt candies.
It was just, like It was mind-blowing.
It was, like, this mixture of evil and beauty.
It was like a forbidden fruit.
And I thought, you know, like, I could eat these my entire life and and never get bored.
But then, recently, like, I don't know.
It's almost like I've gotten used to them.
Like, they're just the new normal now.
And I guess my point is, like, I think it's really important to enjoy the poop that's in front of you right now before you, like, acclimate to the wonder.
Martin: Honestly, I'm a little bit worried about Nan.
I'm just catching some red flags.
She's not sleeping.
She's been talking to herself, like, all the time.
Nan: So it's the day of the launch.
You're probably tired.
You're probably drinking too much.
It might seem like your vision has been compromised by a million factors, mostly Kevin.
But today, your campaign is going to launch in hundreds of stores.
And I know you may not feel like it, but I promise you, this is worth it.
Just get through this day.
And, like, I want to say this sensitively, but, like, I've kind of noticed that she's letting her legs get furry.
Yeah.
Definitely a long-pants day, bud.
18-hour day, buddy.
You're coming with me.
And usually, like, when Nan's self-care starts slipping, it's, like, a sure sign that we'll be spending lots of time together in bed, like, snuggle-crying.
But this past month, she's barely even been home.
And even when she is home, she's kind of like frantically moving her attention from screen to screen.
Okay.
What's your plan here, bud? And, I mean, when I was younger, I would have taken it really, really personally.
[Groans.]
Back, back, back, back, back, back, back.
Now I'm more mature.
That's very helpful.
I just want to help.
I feel like telling her, like, "I can tell something's wrong, so, like, help me help you.
Let me know what's going on.
" But you can be wild horses on that hill You can be wild horses You can stop at will Oh, hi.
How long have you been here? Uh, since like 6:00.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, you know.
I wasn't gonna be able to sleep the night before a launch, so Oh, wait, are you doing the Metro displays? You know I was gonna come in to finish those off.
Yeah, I know.
I just figured, um, I was here, so, why not? Also, I had some specific thoughts.
Uh, but I did I-I made you some coffee so you wouldn't be irritated by my micromanaging.
Ah, my favorite mug! Yay, hooray.
Why is there a Jason here? Hi.
- 'Sup, Jenn? - 'Sup.
The display's looking good.
Should be ready in like an hour.
Thank you very much, my temporary colleague.
Anything for our corporate overlords.
Hi, Jason.
Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Who's my bestest friend? Huh? Bye, Nan.
What? He's my friend.
Look, I'm sorry you guys are fighting, but he's good at video stuff.
And he really needs the money.
It's fine.
I mean, I get it.
And, on the plus side, he did say two words to me, which is an improvement.
I've been texting him, like, all week and and nothing.
I even I sent him a picture of an apple that looks like a butt.
I mean, look at that.
He didn't say anything.
He loves fruit that looks like butts.
That's like That's like our thing.
Sometimes I think it's a miracle either of you ever found someone to love.
[Chuckles.]
It's a butt.
Martin: This morning, as we were leaving, like, something happened.
All right, bud.
Come on, let's go.
[Gasps.]
I saw that Pepper had left one more of her, like, psychotic death threats on the porch.
All right, that's gross.
Martin: Which, like like, she does so much, I've kind of, like, gotten used to.
But now I realize, that's the thing that's actually insane, getting accustomed to a serial killer leaving bodies on the doorstep.
[Heartbeat.]
And now I'm like, "Oh, my God.
That's why Nan's so stressed.
" Like, that's why she's never home.
I mean, that's probably, like, why Jason left.
Like, everyone's, like, terrified "that Pepper's gonna kill them next.
" [Heartbeat quickens.]
Okay.
Ugh.
Poor little guy.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.
[Groans.]
I can feel its ribs.
It's, like, finally I understand.
I understand everything.
Hey, Sam, we should test the app, yeah? Uh, yeah.
Display's back here.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Keira, listen.
Um, we got someone on those bus wraps in San Fran, right? And what about those weird windows in Columbus? I e-mailed them last night, but they're on the West Coast, so they're not gonna be awake for like three hours.
Right.
And the windows.
Were laid out kind of strangely, so they pitched me a compromise, but No, listen.
Believe it or not, telling people that they're beautiful is going to be, like, deeply, personally offensive to hordes of Internet trolls.
Okay? So everything has to be perfect.
We're gonna have a massive target on our backs.
No compromises.
You got it.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, wow! This This looks great! Jason, really, really cool! I-I'm super impressed! Thank you! - Careful with the - It's all real - glass.
- Careful.
I'll be outside at the visual display if anybody needs me.
Three whole words.
[Clicks tongue.]
Okay, Sam, can you just walk me through this then? Okay.
So, you open the Clark & Bow app.
And that's where people are hashtagging their photos #BeautifulMe.
And then you choose a picture and hashtag it.
All right, so, weird picture of me and my dog, #Look And then all the hashtagged photos show up in the displays around the country.
Sending.
Oh! Wow! Ah, that's amazing.
This is how it's gonna look in Times Square, too, but just, like, you know, 40 times bigger.
Well, why are these showing up? These are so horrible.
- Oh, God.
- Oh No, these are private.
That's a private Very, very, very, very, very private folder.
How is it accessing all of these photos? Oh, you know when you download an app and you just accept all the terms without reading them? Yeah.
Well, you should read them.
You guys need to get woke.
If these can go through, what's to stop people from posting penis pics to Times Square? Okay, well, it's just a bug.
That's why we test it out.
Don't worry.
Just give me an hour.
Yep.
Martin: I guess I just feel bad because, like, now I get why Nan's, like, been bringing me to work.
It's like her cute, but, like, feeble attempt to protect me from that that monster.
And the thing is, that's supposed to be my job.
Like, dogs are here to protect humans and, like, of course I've done that for Nan.
Like, you would not believe the people I've stopped from tearing down the door.
[Barking.]
[Screaming.]
But the thing is, I'm the only one who can save us now.
Like, I see that.
They're just waiting for me to prove that I can save them.
Like, I need to show her that I'm ready.
That I realize the time is now.
It's time to kill that cat.
[Horn honks.]
Full-frontal nudity wasn't supposed to be part of this campaign, Jenn.
I know.
Just calm down.
It'll be fine, okay? We'll just figure We'll sort it all out.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Kev.
Hey, guys.
Yeah, you okay, Kevin? Oh, yeah.
Big-time okay.
Gwen really helped me out.
Yeah, Kevin's very relaxed because he made a big, grown-up decision today to go see the doctor about his emotional breakdowns on fall campaign launch days.
- Wow.
- I'm so proud of him.
Big pharma's really been upping their game.
My wife left me.
I am really sorry to hear that.
Kevin.
It's great.
It's fine.
He's fine.
It's really better off, actually.
And don't worry, Nan.
I totally trust you penis-wise.
P Oh! [Chuckles.]
Right.
The display, that Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Um, actually, I-I think we're getting close to a solution, though, 'cause Sam's writing a, um, like, a genitalia-sensing algorithm right now.
Which will It'll just filter all those right out.
Sam: Nan! What? Oh, my God.
No.
No, no.
Those are the original Kuddle Kats.
I'm so sorry, Sam.
And I-I-I will replace them, I promise.
And I Come on, Martin.
I know this sounds really callous, but Martin! Let's just, you know, let's just get back to work.
I'll send Martin home.
Gwen, can you take him? Take your dog to your house? Yeah, you're the only one I can spare, okay? So just take my car.
You're killing me here.
Let go of the cat.
I feel like you're judging me for wearing fur, but I didn't buy this jacket.
Martin: Like, it feels good to be inspiring because I was planning on training for, like, a month, but clearly Nan saw what I did to those test cats and said, "You know what? I think he's ready.
" Bye, Martin.
Like, I'm not stupid.
Like, I-I realize I might die, but the thing is, I'm doing this for the right reason to protect Nan and Jason and, like, the whole world.
And, yeah, like like, if I kill her, sure, there will be, like, parades in my honor and, you know, like, statues.
And maybe I'll finally get one of those trophies.
Nan keeps on her shelf, but all of that has no appeal to me.
Everything I do, I do for love.
Jenn, hey.
Have you seen Sam? Is she still crying or is she, like, back on target with her deadline? I realize how that sounds, and I only hate myself a little bit right now.
I would stay she's glassy-eyed but still coding.
Okay.
I think I'm gonna go check on her, yeah? Yeah, you should.
Okay, yep, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, Jan.
Hey Kev.
How ya How ya doing there, bud? I'm good.
[Chuckles.]
Good.
How are you? You look flustered.
- Uh, no, I'm okay.
I'm actually - Yeah? I'm gonna go, um, check on Sam just real fast.
It's just so strange.
I just I was always afraid that when my wife left, I'd be broken up, but I feel fine.
I'm floating.
It's strange, right? Yeah, I You know what? I cannot wait to talk to you about this in like three hours.
Okay? Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, Nan, Uh, I'm okay, right? Yep.
Like, I'm not gonna get fired, am I? Probably not.
Okay, good.
You got this.
Martin: The thing is, I have an advantage.
Like, I know Pepper the way you can only know someone after you've eaten their, like, sweet little droppings for the better part of four years, which I've done.
Like, I've done that.
Like, they're actually amazing.
I know when she's sick.
I know when she's well.
Like, I know when she's been feeling, like, a little bit depressed.
Like, I can taste everything.
But most importantly, I know that every day, she comes to this little patch of sand.
It's where she's most vulnerable.
And all I have to do is wait.
Hey, Sam.
I am so, so sorry about Martin.
Uh, I don't want to sound insensitive, it's just that, um it's just a couple hours away from the launch, and I just thought maybe Yeah.
I already, um I, uh, created a penis-sensing algorithm so that it would delete all those photos.
Great! Wonderful! Tiny problem, though I was really flustered after everything and I, uh I-I inverted the if-then function.
What does that mean? Well, instead of deleting the penis pictures, it deleted everything else.
Like, all the photos that people hashtagged to go up in New York, they're all gone.
So, we don't have anything left, right? We have a billboard going up in Times Square in two hours and nothing but penises to fill it.
Is that it? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I think I'm getting a stress headache, actually.
Whew.
[Sighs.]
Martin: I know I have the tendency to exaggerate.
Like, once I told Jeff I buried 4,000 bones in the backyard when, in reality, it was probably like like eight.
Or like five.
Like, I buried five bones.
Like, often I stretch the truth.
I-I admit that.
But not today.
Because my whole life, I've lived in fear of this cat.
All of a sudden, that fear just, like, fell away and, for a moment, everything made sense.
I wasn't worried about what would happen next.
I was brave.
I was free.
[Barking, cat yowls.]
Jenn, we are so screwed.
Sam erased all of the photos, and now everything we've worked for is gonna be ruined.
Wait, all of them? Yep, all of them.
Maybe we can use stock photos.
We can't use stock photos 'cause it has to be real people.
- That's the whole point of the campaign.
- Yeah, I know that.
I'm just trying to find a solution.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I just I swear to God, if I don't do it myself, it doesn't get done right.
Oh, okay.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- I didn't I didn't mean you.
You know I didn't mean you.
That's not what I meant.
You know I'm just, like, trying to help you on this.
Hello? Oh, my God.
Are you sure it's Martin? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Someone'll be right there.
Jason, Martin's hurt.
What's that? The neighbor called and the cat, Pepper, next door scratched his scratched his face up.
Is he okay? I need you to go take him to the vet.
- Whoa, hold on.
What? - I need you to go get him.
I can't.
- I'm in the middle of a crisis right now.
- You got to be kidding me.
Please.
I can't leave right now, all right? I have to find a solution to this or the whole thing's gonna just fall apart.
It's an ad campaign, Nan.
It's gonna be forgotten in four days.
Martin is your dog.
What about all these other people in the building that don't have hurt dogs? They're not gonna do it right, okay? They're just gonna mess it up.
It's got to be perfect or I'm not gonna get this chance again.
Oh, that's right.
It has to be perfect.
- Everything has to be perfect for Nan.
- Jason - Seriously.
This is not the time for this.
- Just like I wasn't perfect, - just like our relationship wasn't perfect - I really need you to help me out, okay? - just like Pittsburgh isn't perfect.
- Jason.
Jason, are you gonna help me or not? Okay.
I will go get Martin.
I will just do everything myself.
I'm actually I'm getting pretty used to it at this point.
You're putting mirrors up all over the country, Nan, but maybe it's you who ought to look in the mirror.
Good one, Jason.
Really clever.
Hey, Gwen, can you put me through on speakerphone? Put Kevin in his office and, like, give him a Rubik's Cube or something, just to just to, like, keep him distracted, 'cause he's just gonna get in your way.
[Radiohead's "The National Anthem" plays.]
Martin: I mean, the crazy thing is that I had her.
I had her in my grasp.
No one was more shocked than me.
Like, I think, deep down, I always thought Pepper would kill me.
I mean, she has retractable blades, like, in her hand.
Which is, like, pretty over the top even for, like even for, like, a villain.
But I don't know.
Like, I had her cornered.
And she just looked so small and scared and I don't know what happened, but I just couldn't do it, you know? Like Like, I couldn't kill her.
So I let her go.
And then she, like, basically destroyed my face.
Because I'm weak.
I'm not a defender.
I couldn't defend anyone, like I'm not even, like, a real dog.
I'm just, like, an emotional, whiny little pussy cat.
Yeah, I understand that, Sam, but you have to try.
Okay? Nan, that pictures are gone.
What about, like, recovery mode or, like, digital ghosts or or or something? I mean, I thought nothing on the Internet was ever actually gone.
They were never on the Internet.
They were just on our server.
What about control-Z? Did you try control-Z yet? I'm gonna lose everything, aren't I? Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
[Sighs.]
Nan? Hello? Nan! Hello? Hey, there.
It doesn't have to be perfect, does it? I mean, look at us.
We're a mess, and we're great, right? Jenn: Nan, are you there? Guys, I know what to do.
Sam, you know those horrible pictures from my phone? Are they still in the system? Yep.
Even the penis one.
Okay, well, yeah.
Uh, delete those with that unrecoverable delete thing you managed to find earlier.
And the rest of them put them up on the display in Times Square.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I mean, it's not gonna be enough, but it's a start.
I mean, I guess the whole world's gonna get to see the real me, but I guess that's kind of the point, isn't it? Martin: I think I got so caught up in this whole destroying-Pepper thing that I kind of lost track of all the ways I do protect Nan.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I just wanted to tell you Martin was okay.
Oh, who's the roughest, toughest little cowboy there ever was, huh? Huh? [Laughs.]
Good boy.
Also, I just wanted to say that you're right about me.
I know I have some things to figure out, and I'm working on it, so.
That was, like, super hard for you to say, wasn't it? [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Um, also, I'm sorry for being so condescending and for trying to hold you to this impossible standard that I have for everyone, myself included.
'Cause you don't deserve that.
Nan.
You need to get in here.
[David Bowie's "Heroes" plays.]
Come on.
[Cheers and applause.]
I Look! I would be king I don't understand.
I thought it was just gonna be, like, weird pictures of me and my dog.
Jenn: Oh, yeah, well, it was.
But then you kind of inspired the staff, and so they all started sharing their horrible photos.
Even Kevin.
Didn't you, Kev? Yeah, but then the system filtered those out.
Yeah, the whole thing just took off.
That's actually kind of beautiful.
Mm-hmm.
We can beat them I did it.
Just for one day I really did it.
I'm so proud.
We can be heroes Martin: Because in 100 years, like, no one's gonna remember whether or not I killed some stupid little cat.
And so what if I'm not this, like, clichéd, violent, borderline-offensive stereotype of, like, the attack dog? That's not the kind of protector Nan needs anyway.
And I I'll drink all the time 'Cause we're lovers But in 100 years I'll tell you what they actually will remember the tenacity of my love.
Because maybe I'm just like a little mutt, and yeah, I'm afraid of cats.
But I love this woman more than anybody has ever loved anybody else, like like, ever.
drive them away We can be heroes [Cellphone dings.]
Just for one day [Cellphone chimes.]
We can be us Just for one day And maybe love is the greatest protection there is.
Martin: I remember the first time I ate one of Pepper's little, like, butt candies.
It was just, like It was mind-blowing.
It was, like, this mixture of evil and beauty.
It was like a forbidden fruit.
And I thought, you know, like, I could eat these my entire life and and never get bored.
But then, recently, like, I don't know.
It's almost like I've gotten used to them.
Like, they're just the new normal now.
And I guess my point is, like, I think it's really important to enjoy the poop that's in front of you right now before you, like, acclimate to the wonder.