Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e07 Episode Script
Shiver Me Dodgers
WOMAN: Dearest Mother: Greetings via subspace e-mail from the deck of the good ship Luxuria.
Captain Richards has seen to our every comfort and the voyage has been nothing short of marvelous.
Barring unforeseen incident, we shall arrive on Earth tomorrow.
See you at baggage claim.
Love, Becky.
[SEXTET PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
I trust you've had a pleasant voyage? Yes, captain.
Tell me, will we arrive at Earth on schedule? Yes, milady.
That is, unless we hit an iceberg.
[SHIP WHOOSHES.]
Oh, my goodness.
That iceberg thing was just a joke.
[WHOOSHES.]
[WOMAN GASPS.]
It's a ship.
That's impossible.
I just checked the sensors and there was nothing there.
They're attacking the sphero-barrier.
Increase power to the shields.
[MEN SHOUTING.]
Break out the arms.
We're being boarded.
[PIRATE LAUGHS.]
It's a little late for that, captain.
What is the meaning of this? Let me explain how this works.
I be Captain Long John Silver the 23rd.
I'm a pirate, and I takes what I pleases.
Wow, this is better than the show at Treasure Island.
All right, me hardies, do pirate things.
[SHOUTING.]
[GULPING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Were you laughing at me? Um.
- Were you? - Well, you see, I didn't mean nothing by it.
It's just a generic pirate thing I do.
But those earrings will be coming with me.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
Oops! I thought they be clip-ons.
[GRUNTS.]
Go ahead, say something.
Sometimes he's a little shy around strangers but he's got quite a vocabulary.
Now, you bilge rat.
Throw the switch.
Fare-thee-well, me buckos.
There are other ships to loot.
Lock all weapons and prepare to fire.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
It just disappeared.
DODGERS: Concentrate, Dodgers.
Clear your mind.
Be the ball.
CADET: Captain Dodgers.
Can I have my drinking mug back? I need to rinse.
[ALARM BLARES.]
Great.
Calling Duck Dodgers.
Come in, Duck Dodgers.
What up, bulb daddy? We've just received a distress call from the spaceship Luxuria.
- Can I keep it now? - Knock your gums out.
It seems that the dreaded space pirate Long John Silver the 23rd has gotten his hands on a top-secret Disappearo device.
It allows his ship to dematerialize and go about undetected.
He's using the Disappearo to wreak havoc in the trade routes.
Nine birdies, nine bogeys, and a hole in one or two.
Hello, masters.
Pay attention, Dodgers.
Your mission is to infiltrate Long John Silver's pirate organization and get that Disappearo back to Protectorate headquarters.
Aye, aye, I.
Q.
Dig out last year's Halloween costumes.
We get to play pirates.
Did you take a look at these yokels? Why, we should have that Disappearo device back in no time.
I'll convince that mope that we're a couple of a regular scallywags.
I think not, Dodgers.
For when this adventure is over I believe you will find the Disappearo in Martian hands.
What's the big idea? I'm getting that Disappearo for Mars.
I'm getting it for the Earth.
- Mars.
- Earth.
Mars.
SILVER: Gentlemen.
You're next.
Excuse me, but are you the fine fellow holding the pirate tryouts? Aye.
My name be Long John Silver, scourge of the space ways.
Long John Silver? Isn't that some kind of a copyright infringement? No, boyo.
It be in the public domain.
I had me lawyers check.
Ah.
Well, my name's Steel-Eyed Billy, rogue of the rotunda.
And this be my cutthroat assistant, the deadly - Smork.
- Hello.
Never heard of you.
Never heard of us? Well, have you ever heard of the Pittsburgh Pirates? - Nope.
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers? - Sorry.
- The Fresno Fancy-Lads? Look, you ain't getting in without someone to vouch for you.
One moment, please.
This little turnip will certainly confirm my status as a complete and total scuzzbag.
Oh, yes.
Most decidedly so.
That's good enough for me.
But we gotta get moving those Protectorate dogs are hot on me trail.
[PIRATES CHATTERING AND YELLING.]
These pirates sure know how to party.
Okay, remember, maintain a low profile.
Just try and blend in.
Follow my lead and we'll have that Disappearo thing back in no time.
[YELLS.]
Ooh! Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Are you okay, Dead-Eyed Billy? Or whatever your name is? Just remember, maintain a low profile.
What? A banana peel? Of all the stupid-- I mean, who would leave a banana peel right there on the stairs? Eek! Well, that makes sense.
You probably eat a lot of bananas.
And one or two of the peels are gonna miss the basket.
Heh, heh.
And who doesn't like bananas? They're full of potassium, right? Who be pirate enough to take me on in a contest? Me saucy lad, anxious you be.
We've got ourselves a challenger.
[CHEERING.]
What kind of contest? Good question.
What say ye, mateys? I was thinking of some sort of bake-off.
Something cruel.
Something crude.
Something gross and disgusting.
I thought you were on my side.
Gross and disgusting it be.
We'll have a space parasite-eating contest.
ALL: Bring out the parasites! Bring out the parasites! Bring out the parasites! Tonight, we proudly bring you the most nauseatingly horrendous space parasite-eating contest in all the galaxy.
These parasites have guts full of acid and lava-like pus that oozes from their every orifice.
I knew a girl like her in San Diego once.
Watch your clothes, boys, they stain.
I give you space parasites.
Are you ready, pretty boy? Bring it on, Suzy.
I told you me name's Long John Silver.
Suzy be my brother's name.
Are we here to reveal our family secrets or to eat disgusting parasites? ALL: Eat disgusting parasites! [GRUNTING AND SNORTING.]
Your turn.
I hope a goodly portion of that was his wretched pirate breath.
Okay, now if you could just sort of crawl to the back and, like, try not to touch anything.
No acidic secretions.
Very good.
Okay.
Just slither down.
Attaboy.
Wow, he's doing it.
Yeah.
For a minute, I was pretty worried.
Your nachos, gentlemen.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Now push right past the esophagus and you're home free.
[BUG SPLASHES.]
[WHOOPING.]
He did it.
[COMMANDER'S BONES CRACK.]
Hey, my back finally cracked.
So the contest ends in a tie.
Put her there, pal.
No hard feelings.
Har, har, me bucko, that was just round one.
We have a whole anchor to finish.
[CHOMPING AND GULPING.]
[GAGGING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Wow, he only needs to eat one more.
One more.
Can you do it? Any real pirate could.
Can't eat another parasite.
Eat, you coward.
Ha, ha, ha! I'm doomed.
[GULPING AND BELCHING.]
[LAUGHING AND GROWLING.]
Can't eat another parasite.
- Oh, yes, you can.
- Concentrate, Dodgers.
Concentrate.
Clear your mind.
Be the parasite.
Be the parasite.
You are the parasite.
I am the parasite.
A stinking, puss-oozing, worthless parasite.
I am a stinking, puss-oozing, worthless parasite.
Ha, ha! I have bested you in the eating of filth.
Sure you did.
Now on to the singing of pirate songs.
Yes, on to the-- Pirate songs? I don't know any-- [CADET PLAYING CONCERTINA.]
SINGING: Oh, come and look at me scurvy lass She's cute as she can be All her capillaries have lost their glue For lack of vitamin C Her gums are weak And her teeth are loose She's sure a sight to see Red spots on her legs and her back Show my darling has scurvy [SNIFFLING.]
I love that one.
Sing another.
Looks like the Cadet will keep Long John Stupid busy for hours.
He knows that many bawdy pirate songs? You should of heard him at last year's Christmas party.
Then let's say we sneak off and find the Disappearo.
Lead on.
I hope you know where you're going, cue ball.
- I'd hate to get captured by those creeps.
- I agree.
Funny.
We spend so much time together, but I don't even really know you.
We're always so busy trying to destroy each other.
Why, we might make great pals.
So tell me, soldier, where you from? Any brothers or sisters? What are your hobbies? Why, actually, I collect a wide variety of-- Me, I don't have time for hobbies.
I'm too busy sticking it to the Martians.
[MAKING WEAPON SOUNDS.]
Run, blast and roll.
Take that, Martian scum.
Ohh.
Hey, lookie there.
I bet that's where they hid the Disappearo.
Strange they'd leave something as valuable as Disappearo in an unlocked vault.
What do you think, Dodgers? I think I've died and gone to heaven.
Huh.
Gold and jewels.
Don't you find it amusing that lower life-forms put such stock in these tawdry geegaws? Cannonball! Really, Dodgers.
Hadn't we better be getting back to the business at hand? Good idea.
You find the Disappearo, and I'll clean up here.
How stupid must those pirates be to leave this booty unguarded? It's clear they have no comprehension of the true value of this wealth.
Therefore, it must fall to me as the Protectorate captain to liberate this loot from those ignorant miscreants and keep it for myself.
[MONSTER HISSING.]
Glad you see it my way! [YELLING.]
The Disappearo must be right behind that door.
What luck.
A sleeping guard.
And look, he's got keys.
- You know what to do.
- Right.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
[GROWLS.]
Oh, dear, I can't watch.
- Give me that.
- Oh, no.
Is that stupid door stuck again? The management on this ship stinks.
Let me help you with this.
- How's that? - You missed a little there on the left.
That's great.
Thanks a lot, bud.
Now, you'd better get back to sleep.
You look bushed.
SINGING: For the digging on the beaches And the wenches and the leeches And the bloody pirate booty Is the stuff for me [ALL CHEERING.]
All right, short stuff, you just hang back and--Whoa! The Disappearo device.
[YELLING.]
You might want to try turning it off first.
Thanks.
You couldn't lift it anyway.
It's made from the dense material found inside a collapsed star.
You mean like what's inside of Liza Minnelli? If we are ever to lift the device we will need to use these anti-gravity wands.
Piece of cake.
Just remember, Dodgers, we must work together as a team.
Cooperation is a must.
Yeah, yeah, cooperation.
It's working.
Boy, I can't wait to get this baby back to Galactic Protectorate headquarters.
The Martian Queen is sure to promote me for this.
Look, bucket-brain, I'm expecting a big fat bonus for this.
Well, I'm expecting a big fat promotion.
- Oh, yeah? - Dodgers, what are you doing? I can't hold this up on my own.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Unh! Uh-oh.
- Not good.
- Oh, no, me boyos.
It's a lot worse than that.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
So you tried to pull one over on old Long John Silver, did you? Well, I'm onto you, mateys.
And I knew that he was in on your plan when he sang: "Your Cheatin' Eye Patch," twice.
I can't believe you ran out of pirate songs.
I didn't.
That's one of my favorites.
You'll need a fitting punishment for sending me Disappearo to the four winds.
So, what's it gonna be? Walking the plank? Tar and feathering? How about a nice old-fashioned keelhaul? You know, there is only one way out of this.
I got your back.
Let's rock.
It's a good thing I tucked one of those acidic space parasites into the corner of my mouth for just this occasion.
[GAGS.]
Okay, first we'll tar and feather you then you'll walk the plank and then we'll keelhaul you.
Huh? Ha! Ha-har! Attack the little lubbers! [YELLS.]
Not so fast, Silver.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
BOTH: Yar! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[GROWLING.]
Hm? [SCREAMS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Nothing disables a giant space monkey quicker than an atomic wedgie.
[CHUCKLES MENACINGLY.]
Let's get serious.
[YELLS.]
[SILVER YELLS.]
I like the cut of your jib, boy.
I'll give you one last chance to join me crew.
Never.
I've seen your dental plan.
Cadet, Martian, the powder room.
What do you think, a plasma grenade? That will do nicely.
You blasted fools, what have you done? [BOTH YELL.]
Get your filthy hides to the lifeboats.
You ain't seen the last of me, Steel-Eyed Billy.
That's Duck Dodgers to you.
Captain Dodgers, let's get out of here.
Oh, yeah, right.
The ship's exploding.
Well, we failed our mission, but nonetheless, a job well done.
And you know what? We actually make a pretty good team.
That we do, Dodgers.
There's a lesson in here, somewhere.
By the way, I still hate you.
And I hate you, old friend.
I hate you.
[English - US -SDH.]
Captain Richards has seen to our every comfort and the voyage has been nothing short of marvelous.
Barring unforeseen incident, we shall arrive on Earth tomorrow.
See you at baggage claim.
Love, Becky.
[SEXTET PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
I trust you've had a pleasant voyage? Yes, captain.
Tell me, will we arrive at Earth on schedule? Yes, milady.
That is, unless we hit an iceberg.
[SHIP WHOOSHES.]
Oh, my goodness.
That iceberg thing was just a joke.
[WHOOSHES.]
[WOMAN GASPS.]
It's a ship.
That's impossible.
I just checked the sensors and there was nothing there.
They're attacking the sphero-barrier.
Increase power to the shields.
[MEN SHOUTING.]
Break out the arms.
We're being boarded.
[PIRATE LAUGHS.]
It's a little late for that, captain.
What is the meaning of this? Let me explain how this works.
I be Captain Long John Silver the 23rd.
I'm a pirate, and I takes what I pleases.
Wow, this is better than the show at Treasure Island.
All right, me hardies, do pirate things.
[SHOUTING.]
[GULPING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Were you laughing at me? Um.
- Were you? - Well, you see, I didn't mean nothing by it.
It's just a generic pirate thing I do.
But those earrings will be coming with me.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
Oops! I thought they be clip-ons.
[GRUNTS.]
Go ahead, say something.
Sometimes he's a little shy around strangers but he's got quite a vocabulary.
Now, you bilge rat.
Throw the switch.
Fare-thee-well, me buckos.
There are other ships to loot.
Lock all weapons and prepare to fire.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
It just disappeared.
DODGERS: Concentrate, Dodgers.
Clear your mind.
Be the ball.
CADET: Captain Dodgers.
Can I have my drinking mug back? I need to rinse.
[ALARM BLARES.]
Great.
Calling Duck Dodgers.
Come in, Duck Dodgers.
What up, bulb daddy? We've just received a distress call from the spaceship Luxuria.
- Can I keep it now? - Knock your gums out.
It seems that the dreaded space pirate Long John Silver the 23rd has gotten his hands on a top-secret Disappearo device.
It allows his ship to dematerialize and go about undetected.
He's using the Disappearo to wreak havoc in the trade routes.
Nine birdies, nine bogeys, and a hole in one or two.
Hello, masters.
Pay attention, Dodgers.
Your mission is to infiltrate Long John Silver's pirate organization and get that Disappearo back to Protectorate headquarters.
Aye, aye, I.
Q.
Dig out last year's Halloween costumes.
We get to play pirates.
Did you take a look at these yokels? Why, we should have that Disappearo device back in no time.
I'll convince that mope that we're a couple of a regular scallywags.
I think not, Dodgers.
For when this adventure is over I believe you will find the Disappearo in Martian hands.
What's the big idea? I'm getting that Disappearo for Mars.
I'm getting it for the Earth.
- Mars.
- Earth.
Mars.
SILVER: Gentlemen.
You're next.
Excuse me, but are you the fine fellow holding the pirate tryouts? Aye.
My name be Long John Silver, scourge of the space ways.
Long John Silver? Isn't that some kind of a copyright infringement? No, boyo.
It be in the public domain.
I had me lawyers check.
Ah.
Well, my name's Steel-Eyed Billy, rogue of the rotunda.
And this be my cutthroat assistant, the deadly - Smork.
- Hello.
Never heard of you.
Never heard of us? Well, have you ever heard of the Pittsburgh Pirates? - Nope.
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers? - Sorry.
- The Fresno Fancy-Lads? Look, you ain't getting in without someone to vouch for you.
One moment, please.
This little turnip will certainly confirm my status as a complete and total scuzzbag.
Oh, yes.
Most decidedly so.
That's good enough for me.
But we gotta get moving those Protectorate dogs are hot on me trail.
[PIRATES CHATTERING AND YELLING.]
These pirates sure know how to party.
Okay, remember, maintain a low profile.
Just try and blend in.
Follow my lead and we'll have that Disappearo thing back in no time.
[YELLS.]
Ooh! Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Are you okay, Dead-Eyed Billy? Or whatever your name is? Just remember, maintain a low profile.
What? A banana peel? Of all the stupid-- I mean, who would leave a banana peel right there on the stairs? Eek! Well, that makes sense.
You probably eat a lot of bananas.
And one or two of the peels are gonna miss the basket.
Heh, heh.
And who doesn't like bananas? They're full of potassium, right? Who be pirate enough to take me on in a contest? Me saucy lad, anxious you be.
We've got ourselves a challenger.
[CHEERING.]
What kind of contest? Good question.
What say ye, mateys? I was thinking of some sort of bake-off.
Something cruel.
Something crude.
Something gross and disgusting.
I thought you were on my side.
Gross and disgusting it be.
We'll have a space parasite-eating contest.
ALL: Bring out the parasites! Bring out the parasites! Bring out the parasites! Tonight, we proudly bring you the most nauseatingly horrendous space parasite-eating contest in all the galaxy.
These parasites have guts full of acid and lava-like pus that oozes from their every orifice.
I knew a girl like her in San Diego once.
Watch your clothes, boys, they stain.
I give you space parasites.
Are you ready, pretty boy? Bring it on, Suzy.
I told you me name's Long John Silver.
Suzy be my brother's name.
Are we here to reveal our family secrets or to eat disgusting parasites? ALL: Eat disgusting parasites! [GRUNTING AND SNORTING.]
Your turn.
I hope a goodly portion of that was his wretched pirate breath.
Okay, now if you could just sort of crawl to the back and, like, try not to touch anything.
No acidic secretions.
Very good.
Okay.
Just slither down.
Attaboy.
Wow, he's doing it.
Yeah.
For a minute, I was pretty worried.
Your nachos, gentlemen.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Now push right past the esophagus and you're home free.
[BUG SPLASHES.]
[WHOOPING.]
He did it.
[COMMANDER'S BONES CRACK.]
Hey, my back finally cracked.
So the contest ends in a tie.
Put her there, pal.
No hard feelings.
Har, har, me bucko, that was just round one.
We have a whole anchor to finish.
[CHOMPING AND GULPING.]
[GAGGING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Wow, he only needs to eat one more.
One more.
Can you do it? Any real pirate could.
Can't eat another parasite.
Eat, you coward.
Ha, ha, ha! I'm doomed.
[GULPING AND BELCHING.]
[LAUGHING AND GROWLING.]
Can't eat another parasite.
- Oh, yes, you can.
- Concentrate, Dodgers.
Concentrate.
Clear your mind.
Be the parasite.
Be the parasite.
You are the parasite.
I am the parasite.
A stinking, puss-oozing, worthless parasite.
I am a stinking, puss-oozing, worthless parasite.
Ha, ha! I have bested you in the eating of filth.
Sure you did.
Now on to the singing of pirate songs.
Yes, on to the-- Pirate songs? I don't know any-- [CADET PLAYING CONCERTINA.]
SINGING: Oh, come and look at me scurvy lass She's cute as she can be All her capillaries have lost their glue For lack of vitamin C Her gums are weak And her teeth are loose She's sure a sight to see Red spots on her legs and her back Show my darling has scurvy [SNIFFLING.]
I love that one.
Sing another.
Looks like the Cadet will keep Long John Stupid busy for hours.
He knows that many bawdy pirate songs? You should of heard him at last year's Christmas party.
Then let's say we sneak off and find the Disappearo.
Lead on.
I hope you know where you're going, cue ball.
- I'd hate to get captured by those creeps.
- I agree.
Funny.
We spend so much time together, but I don't even really know you.
We're always so busy trying to destroy each other.
Why, we might make great pals.
So tell me, soldier, where you from? Any brothers or sisters? What are your hobbies? Why, actually, I collect a wide variety of-- Me, I don't have time for hobbies.
I'm too busy sticking it to the Martians.
[MAKING WEAPON SOUNDS.]
Run, blast and roll.
Take that, Martian scum.
Ohh.
Hey, lookie there.
I bet that's where they hid the Disappearo.
Strange they'd leave something as valuable as Disappearo in an unlocked vault.
What do you think, Dodgers? I think I've died and gone to heaven.
Huh.
Gold and jewels.
Don't you find it amusing that lower life-forms put such stock in these tawdry geegaws? Cannonball! Really, Dodgers.
Hadn't we better be getting back to the business at hand? Good idea.
You find the Disappearo, and I'll clean up here.
How stupid must those pirates be to leave this booty unguarded? It's clear they have no comprehension of the true value of this wealth.
Therefore, it must fall to me as the Protectorate captain to liberate this loot from those ignorant miscreants and keep it for myself.
[MONSTER HISSING.]
Glad you see it my way! [YELLING.]
The Disappearo must be right behind that door.
What luck.
A sleeping guard.
And look, he's got keys.
- You know what to do.
- Right.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
[GROWLS.]
Oh, dear, I can't watch.
- Give me that.
- Oh, no.
Is that stupid door stuck again? The management on this ship stinks.
Let me help you with this.
- How's that? - You missed a little there on the left.
That's great.
Thanks a lot, bud.
Now, you'd better get back to sleep.
You look bushed.
SINGING: For the digging on the beaches And the wenches and the leeches And the bloody pirate booty Is the stuff for me [ALL CHEERING.]
All right, short stuff, you just hang back and--Whoa! The Disappearo device.
[YELLING.]
You might want to try turning it off first.
Thanks.
You couldn't lift it anyway.
It's made from the dense material found inside a collapsed star.
You mean like what's inside of Liza Minnelli? If we are ever to lift the device we will need to use these anti-gravity wands.
Piece of cake.
Just remember, Dodgers, we must work together as a team.
Cooperation is a must.
Yeah, yeah, cooperation.
It's working.
Boy, I can't wait to get this baby back to Galactic Protectorate headquarters.
The Martian Queen is sure to promote me for this.
Look, bucket-brain, I'm expecting a big fat bonus for this.
Well, I'm expecting a big fat promotion.
- Oh, yeah? - Dodgers, what are you doing? I can't hold this up on my own.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Unh! Uh-oh.
- Not good.
- Oh, no, me boyos.
It's a lot worse than that.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
So you tried to pull one over on old Long John Silver, did you? Well, I'm onto you, mateys.
And I knew that he was in on your plan when he sang: "Your Cheatin' Eye Patch," twice.
I can't believe you ran out of pirate songs.
I didn't.
That's one of my favorites.
You'll need a fitting punishment for sending me Disappearo to the four winds.
So, what's it gonna be? Walking the plank? Tar and feathering? How about a nice old-fashioned keelhaul? You know, there is only one way out of this.
I got your back.
Let's rock.
It's a good thing I tucked one of those acidic space parasites into the corner of my mouth for just this occasion.
[GAGS.]
Okay, first we'll tar and feather you then you'll walk the plank and then we'll keelhaul you.
Huh? Ha! Ha-har! Attack the little lubbers! [YELLS.]
Not so fast, Silver.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
BOTH: Yar! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[GROWLING.]
Hm? [SCREAMS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Nothing disables a giant space monkey quicker than an atomic wedgie.
[CHUCKLES MENACINGLY.]
Let's get serious.
[YELLS.]
[SILVER YELLS.]
I like the cut of your jib, boy.
I'll give you one last chance to join me crew.
Never.
I've seen your dental plan.
Cadet, Martian, the powder room.
What do you think, a plasma grenade? That will do nicely.
You blasted fools, what have you done? [BOTH YELL.]
Get your filthy hides to the lifeboats.
You ain't seen the last of me, Steel-Eyed Billy.
That's Duck Dodgers to you.
Captain Dodgers, let's get out of here.
Oh, yeah, right.
The ship's exploding.
Well, we failed our mission, but nonetheless, a job well done.
And you know what? We actually make a pretty good team.
That we do, Dodgers.
There's a lesson in here, somewhere.
By the way, I still hate you.
And I hate you, old friend.
I hate you.
[English - US -SDH.]