Ed (2000) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Know what I like about Thanksgiving? -What's that? It's not about presents.
It's not about fireworks.
You know what itisabout? -Huh? -Tradition.
Thank you, Tevye.
-I'm serious.
You do one thing over and over again year after year, it starts tomeansomething.
Speaking of year after year, Ed, you sure you're going to be okay this year? Yeah.
Why? What's wrong with this year? You know, first holiday season without Liz.
Oh, you're referring to my excruciatingly painful divorce.
No, I'll be fine.
Um, you sure? 'Cause the first holiday season can be tough.
-You know what? I'll be fine.
I'm not even thinking about it.
-You don't think You know what we don't have to do? We don't have to dwell on it.
Ah! You see what I've done? -What? I've helped you launch a preemptive emotional strike.
Now that I've broached the topic of Liz it can no longer sneak up on you.
You, my friend, are a shrewd master of the human psyche.
Yeah.
You see the manager over there? -Yeah.
Ten bucks if you can get him to tell you where the lettuce is in under a minute.
-What's the catch? You can't call it lettuce.
What do I have to call it? Le-toos.
There he goes.
Excuse me.
-Yes.
-Um I was wondering if you could tell me, where the where the le-toos is? The what? -What? (laughing) What's le-toos? -You know, for salads.
Lettuce? -Yeah.
(giggles) (rhythm guitar playing) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
ED .
:: P r i j e v o d i — O n l i n e ::.
And it's five days till turkey day.
Sometimes I like to mix it up and call it turkey day.
Eddie, can I ask you a question? Is this going to be about me getting through my first holiday since my divorce? Yeah, maybe.
Listen to me carefully I'm not depressed.
I'm not going to be depressed.
It just so happens I love Thanksgiving.
I'm going to go down Wednesday night to Sarasota and spend it with my parents.
Everything's going to be fine.
We're just looking out for you, buddy.
I know you are but, actually, there is maybe one thing you could do for me.
What's that? I'd like to sleep with Nancy.
Just once.
I'd like to sleep with Nancy just once.
-I'd like it if you'd stop making jokes about our sex life just once, maybe.
Hey, you guys remember going to the Thanksgiving Homecoming game? That was the best.
You young lovers making out under the bleachers.
Yeah, I remember the 1987 Thanksgiving Day game.
Mike Burton reaches second base right in the middle of the third quarter.
Yeah, he began trying to undo my bra in the middle of the first quarter.
Hey, remember shooting off the halftime cannon? The halftime cannon.
-Mike, that was the best job we ever had.
Remember how loud that thing was? It was so loud.
Thing would go off and bam! You couldn't hear for ten minutes.
I loved that.
-You know what the best Thanksgiving tradition of all time was? Yes.
Skidball.
Skidball.
-Oh, my God, that's right! You guys and that crazy skidball.
I never understood the appeal of sliding around on a muddy football field like a bunch of overcaffeinated squirrels yelling, "Skidball!" Honey, you're glossing over the game's nuances.
Skidball! Exactly.
-You think that sounds like me? Skidball! Skidball! I love Thanksgiving.
Boy: Mr.
Stevens my name is Gavin Shrader and this is my mother, Rita Shrader.
Nice to meet you.
Won't you please come in? Enough with the pleasantries, Mr.
Stevens.
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? We're in need of professional legal services.
Oh, okay.
Well, please sit down.
What seems to be the problem? My boy's shoulder was dislocated by a cantaloupe.
He could have been killed.
Cantaloupe? -October 31, Halloween night, Mackinac Lake.
My friends and I broke into a tiny lake shack.
Here are photos.
They went there to drink beer.
This is true.
We're high school kids.
Sometimes we experiment with alcohol.
This isn't right, but it's a fact of life.
Um, now, which one is you? I'm the one dressed as former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger.
(laughs) Why not Casper the Friendly Ghost? -That would be trite, sir a luxury I don't allow myself.
May I continue? Please con hang on a second.
Is this is this Frank Jordan's old place? You know it? We used to break into Frank Jordan's shack every Halloween, too.
Everybody did.
It was the thing to do.
We and wrong.
It was very wrong, completely wrong and I've learned my lesson, Gavin.
It's trite.
Moving on apparently Mr.
Jordan does not look as fondly on this little tradition as do we.
So, on the inside of his back door he rigged a spring-loaded catapult armed with you guessed it a large cantaloupe.
I was the first in and the cantaloupe hit me in the shoulder.
I see.
So, you'd like to sue Mr.
Jordan? Just for the medical expenses.
And to make a point.
If that cantaloupe had hit Gavin in the head I don't even want to think about it.
Well, I have to admit to having a soft spot for anyone who's broken into old Frank Jordan's place.
Does that mean you'll take the case, Mr.
Stevens? Yes, yes, I will.
So, why don't you let me do a little research, and, uh both come back on Monday? -Thank you.
Thank you, Mr.
Stevens.
-Call me Ed.
-I'd prefer not to.
Okay.
-Come, Mother.
(snickers) Eights, there you go.
Thanks, Ed.
See you.
Bosco, I need to borrow 500 bucks.
And don't say, "What do I look like? A bank?" I would never say that.
Come on, Ed, I need some green, moolah, clams, cabbage do-re-mi, scratch, lucre, juice, rhino, booty, there-and-back mint, backle Jack Trippers, bicycles, smackers, samolians Okay, okay, Phil.
Good.
What do you need $500 for? An ingenious idea I think will impress and delight you.
It's a simple two-step plan.
Here we go, it's Phil time.
Step One, I create a market craze for fine Corinthian turkeys.
Step Two, I sell the people what they demand fine Corinthian turkeys.
What the heck are fine Corinthian turkeys? They're regular supermarket turkeys that have been renamed, repackaged and best of all repriced.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You're going to buy regular supermarket turkeys.
You're going to call them by some made-up name fine Corinthian turkeys and you're going to sell them at a higher price? You synthesized that quickly, Ed.
We could use a bright man like you in the executive suite.
You're not going to make any money selling repackaged turkeys.
I'm not selling turkeys.
I'm selling dreams.
So, do you know a student named Gavin Shrader? Yeah, sure.
He's a senior in my Honors English class.
Why? Just wondering what you thought of him.
He's bright, a little bit odd, though like a 50-year-old man trapped in a high school kid's body.
I think he just wants to be different, you know? I kind of get a kick out of him.
Wait a minute.
Is this about Frank Jordan's cantalou-pult.
"Cantalou-pult", that's pretty good.
I may use that.
Yeah, but what Frank did was wrong.
One of those kids could have gotten seriously hurt.
I know.
It seemed so much more harmless when we did it.
You used to break into Frank Jordan's place, too? Every Halloween, my friend.
I don't remember seeing you there.
Yeah, well, I remember seeing you there especially the year you went as Catwoman.
Oh,man,that was a good choice.
Oh, I can never quite decide if you're totally adorable or totally creepy.
I'm an enigmatic and intriguing blend of both.
So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Well, no Nick, so I thought I'd just, you know hang out by myself.
You're going to spend Thanksgiving alone? Yeah, yeah, you know.
I've never done it and I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Hmm.
Black leotards and a little leather cat mask.
Meow! That got me and my friends through a lot of the winter.
Tipping the scale towards creepy.
-I can live with that.
Mike? Hmm? You're going to be here when my parents show up, right? -Yeah, of course.
Why do you ask, Nance? Oh, honey, maybe because every time my parents are here for any length of time you come up with some excuse to figure out a way to get out of the house.
Honey, that's crazy.
Oh, really? Last year you left in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner to change the oil in the car.
Because it just so happens I care about engine viscosity.
Yeah.
Look, Nance, it's the same old problem, okay? It started on day one.
It hasn't gotten any better.
It's never going to get any better.
Mike, what is so difficult about talking to my father? The man refuses to start a conversation.
It's always up to me.
I say one thing, he says one thing back.
That's it.
We end up staring at each other.
Oh, come on, honey.
It's not that bad.
You know what I'm going to do this year, Nance? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wait him out.
I'm going to stare at him and not say anything.
I don't care if we have to sit there all day.
We can just sit and stare.
(phone rings) Ed: Hello.
Woman: Hi, honey.
It's Mom and Dad.
Hey.
Hey, you guys.
-Honey, we have bad news.
We're not going to be able to be here for Thanksgiving.
Why? What happened? Dad: A nice Norwegian couple we know from the club invited us to go to France.
You're spending Thanksgiving in France with Norwegians? Mom: It came up spur of the moment.
We got discount fares.
If you don't want us to go, we'll cancel.
We really will.
No, no, no, no, go, go.
By all means, you got to go.
I'm worried about you.
What are you going to do for Thanksgiving? Don't worry about me, Mom.
I'll be I'll be fine.
Dad: Why don't you spend Thanksgiving with Liz? Um, Dad, all those phone calls I've been telling you what's going what's going on in my life are you watching TV or something? Aw, call her up.
It's time to end the feud.
Don't be proud.
Dad, it's not a feud; it's a divorce.
A feud is the Hatfields and the McCoys shooting at each other with shotguns.
A divorce is much less straightforward.
Mom: Listen, dear, we're supposed to meet some people at the pool.
Yeah, okay, yep.
Um have fun in France.
Dad: By the way yesterday I discovered the key to the golf swing.
Oh, good.
Mom: We'll call you when we get back, okay? You take care of yourself, honey.
-All right.
-We love you.
Love you, too.
(sighs) (giggles) Hey, you guys.
Hey.
-I just talked to my parents on the phone, and it turns out they are spending Thanksgiving in France with Norwegians, so I had this thought letmebe in charge of Thanksgiving this year.
Say what? We'll have it at the bowling alley.
Have you ever actuallymade a Thanksgiving dinner before? No, but I've eaten plenty of them.
Hello, Mr.
Red Flag.
It'll be fine.
I'll call my mom.
I'll get some recipes.
I'll make the Natalie Stevens famous pumpkin pie.
Sweet boy and the mother of all that's righteous.
That was some good pie, Ed.
Good pie.
That was good pie.
Okay.
Eddie, it's a really lovely offer but my parents are going to be here.
My dad takes his Thanksgiving mealreallyseriously.
Oh, okay.
You know, I mean I-I just kind of thought that you know, this being my first holiday away from Liz that Well, gosh, I thought that I'd, you know start a new tradition of my own, but Aw, heck.
Shucks, if you guys don't want Ed.
Cut it out.
Oh, Ed, all right.
God, if it makes you happy Thanksgiving's all yours.
Friends, like the sign says at the world-famous Cyclone at Coney Island "Hang on to your wigs and keys" for you are about to experience the very first ever Edward J.
Stevens Thanksgiving.
(laughing) I got my money on grease fire.
Oh, God, let him not screw it up.
Carol: Getting depressed around the hs is such a cliche that you actually get more depressed by the fact that you're getting depressed which is, in itself depressing.
Unless you get depressed on Arbor Day.
Then, you're going to blaze new territory.
Hey.
Well, well, well, this is a fortuitous shopping coincidence.
I just called you guys.
Guess who's cooking Thanksgiving dinner at the bowling alley.
Bibi Netanyahu.
Yes.
No.
Me, Ed Stevens.
I'm inviting everyone.
You guys in? Sure.
On some charity thing.
-Wait, what am I thinking? You know what? I-I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my grandfather.
-Bring him along.
Nancy's parents are coming.
Thanksgiving is a holiday where peoplecome together as opposed to Arbor Day where it's pretty much every man for himself.
I-I-I just I just made a-a joke about Arbor Day like two seconds ago.
Molly, you and I are like two peas in a pod.
So you in? Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm game.
And what about the blond lady? Carol: I had a vision of doing Thanksgiving on my own this year.
Oh, come on, Carol.
This is the first time I've cooked a Thanksgiving meal by myself.
Who knows what could happen? Come on, Carol.
Yeah, what if the giblets explode, hmm? Can you really afford to miss that? Can you really afford to miss that? I guess I'll have to catch it on the news.
All right.
All right, suit yourself but if you change your mind look for the only Thanksgiving meal taking place insidea bowling alley.
Ladies Now, I got these court transcripts.
There's already been a criminal case, I see.
Indeed, Mr.
Stevens.
We pressed charges against Mr.
Jordan for the catapult and he pressed charges against me for breaking and entering.
Both parties were found guilty and given slaps on the wrist.
Why didn't you use the same lawyer for the civil case? He was incompetent.
I see.
He thought we had no case.
Okay, um Gavin, would you step outside for a second? Mr.
Stevens, anything you have to say Gavin Yes, Mom.
(door shutting) Uh, Mrs.
Shrader, you do have a case but it's going to be close.
On the one hand, there are laws and precedents that clearly state that it's illegal to booby-trap your home.
And on the other hand? Your son knowingly broke into a house with "No Trespassing" signs posted everywhere.
I'm not sure what your point is.
Let me be blunt.
I'm going to have to put Gavin on the stand and it's going to be very difficult to convince a jury in a civil trial to award money to a kid who pardon me for saying this, Mrs.
Shrader kind of comes across as a middle-age stock broker.
I know.
Gavin's a little different.
He needs to come across as a normal high school kid out having fun with his buddies.
Otherwise, the jury won't relate to him and you won't have a chance.
I'll talk to him.
Okay, good.
Okay, honey, get ready.
Nancy: Hi, Daddy.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, Frieda.
Frieda: Hi, Mike.
Hi, Mom.
Hello How's my little Sarah? (chuckling) Has she gotten smaller since we saw her last? Yeah, Mom, I gave birth to a shrinking baby.
(chuckling) Didn't you read about it in theEnquirer? Mom, I planted flowers.
Frieda: Oh, right and all the same color.
Nance uh, are we okay on diapers? 'Cause I can make a run to the store.
Man: I'll make this incredibly brief.
Did you see the "No Trespassing" signs posted on Mr.
Jordan's house? Yeah, like, I guess so.
If you had obeyed those warnings would your shoulder be dislocated today? Guess not.
All yours.
Gavin, you knew it was wrong to break into Frank Jordan's house.
Why'd you do it? -You know, everybody, like, does it.
It's, like, kind of a dumb tradition.
You know, we hang out.
Yo.
What was it like when the cantaloupe hit you? Oh, man, it was, like you know It hurt? -Uh, y-yes, uh, very much so.
Ed: Your Honor this cantalou-pult sounds funny, doesn't it? Like something out of aTom and Jerrycartoon.
It's not funny, and with your permission I would like to demonstrate for the jury just how unfunny it is.
Objection.
Overruled.
I think we all want to seethis.
Now let me walk you through this.
Quite an impressive instrument.
What we have here is a 30-pound steel spring, which is loaded (gasping) (glass shattering) Man: Look out! (woman giggling nervously) Mr.
Stevens I'm sorry, Your Honor.
That was a premature launch.
Phil: Can I interest either of you two strangers who I have never before met, in a turkey taste test? Why not? I have a little extra time before I pick up the kids at school.
I will take this turkey taste test as well.
Fantastic.
Please approach.
I have here two cups brimming with turkey chunks Cup A, Cup B.
Please sample each one.
Then, tell me what you think.
(both grunt dismissively) Mmm Mmm Why this is the finest turkey I've ever tasted.
What kind of turkey is this? Okay, dude, I don't think anybody heard you.
Okay.
Do it again, louder, louder.
Mmm! Why this is the finest turkey I've ever tasted! What kind of turkey is this?! It's fine Corinthian turkey.
It's a festival of flavor.
It's like a party in my mouth.
I'll try the taste test.
Excellent.
Oh, no, we're all out.
Where can I get fine Corinthian turkey? Don't panic, Stuckeyvillians.
Fine Corinthian turkey will be on sale Thanksgiving morning at Stuckey Bowl! (distant dog barking) (crickets chirping) (bowling pins falling) (jukebox playing softly) Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Carol.
This is a nice surprise, and right on time, I might add.
Does-Does this parsley look wilted to you? That's parsnips.
Mm-hmm.
Seriously? Is there a big difference? Well, parsley tastes like parsley an-and-and parsnips taste like parsnips.
I can see you're a professional teacher.
-Ed Hmm? -If it's not too late can I still join you guys for Thanksgiving dinner? Are you missing Nick? -Yes.
Liz? -Yep.
I was sitting here thinking that Liz and I used to have this stupid Thanksgiving tradition What's that? which will now be broken.
It's dumb.
Well we used to split the wishbone and whoever lost would then scoop stuffing onto the winner's plate and say "Is that all you could think of to wish for?" (both laughing) It's lame, very, very lame but it's our own special brand of lameness, you know? Yeah, I know what you mean.
Nick and I used to eat a sugared lemon every year so, I guess that's the end of that.
Mm-hmm.
-Sugared lemon? Well, that's very poetic.
I mean, because of the whole bittersweet relationship thing betwe Yeah, okay.
This was, um this was going to be my first Thanksgiving alone and I wanted to spend it alone because I wanted to be one of those people who really likes being alone.
You know? I guess I'm just not quite there.
So am I allowed back in? Yes.
In fact I think we can even do better than that.
Why don't we cook Thanksgiving dinner together? You and me.
Why don't we cook Thanksgiving dinner together? It'll be a perfect way to get through this.
We'll distract one another.
Maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
This'll be fantastic.
We'll keep an eye on one another in case one of us starts to lose it like an emotional buddy system.
Yeah.
When we get through this period of vulnerability Yes! we'll have proven something to ourselves.
Yeah.
And, then, we'll celebrate by making sweet, sweet love.
What? Just a thought.
(clears throat) upbeat jazz playing) Frieda: Ferberizing It sounds like something you do to a pool deck, not a baby.
Mama, it's not that big of a deal.
It's a very accepted method of teaching a baby to sleep through the night.
A lot of people are doing it.
Well, a lot of people were doing the Scarsdale diet, too.
What does that mean, Mom? Hey! Why, it's the whole Jacinski family.
Hey, Ed.
How you doing? I'm great.
I'm great.
How are you? Good.
Good to see you.
Aw, Nancy I didn't know you had a sister.
You've been saying that for years.
Don't stop.
It's a tradition.
Hey, Mike, speaking of traditions you know what I thought would be a blast? What's that? You and me playing skidball after the homecoming game.
Skidball? Yeah.
What do you say? No, I-I can't.
Why? You scared? Eddie, we're not going to the homecoming game.
What?! Nancy: We're going to my grandfather's today.
You you two are not? Aw, come on, I haven't been back to the game in ten years.
I need you to help me reexperience the cannon in all its thunderous splendor.
"Thunderous splendor"? Yeah.
Since when did you start talking like a homosexual? Mother! What? Homosexuals have excellent vocabularies.
That's a compliment to Ed and to homosexuals.
(marching band playing) Cheerleaders: Let's go, Stuckeyville! (whistle blowing) (cheering) Cheerleaders (chanting): Let's go, Stuckeyville! Let's go, Stuckeyville! Let's go, Stuckeyville! (whooping) I don't believe this.
(referee's whistle blowing) What you looking at? -Uh, Mister Mr.
Stevens.
Uh, just checking out the game.
-Game's over there.
Do you mind? Some things never change.
You know, Gavin, you might not believe this: I used to be the cannon puller.
It was a great job for me, you know? It made me stand out.
I didn't have the double-breasted suits, like you.
Hey, would you mind if if I you know for old times' sake She's all yours.
-Thank you.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
(pops softly) What happened to this thing? It was changed six years ago after a lawsuit was brought by some parents v.
the Board of Ed.
The parents claimed the sound of the cannon had damaged their children's hearing.
That was kind of the fun of the whole thing.
That's too bad.
(sighs) Oh, hey You ever talk to the girl? -There's really no point in that, Mr.
Stevens.
Yes, there is.
Trust me.
(Ed inhaling) You smell that clean, crisp air? Pumpkins and leaves? Man, it really takes me back.
I probably walked in this very same spot when I was a kid.
What were you like when you were a kid? I bet you were a big goofball.
I wasn't big.
Actually, you know, from '76 to '84 I probably only had one thing on my mind.
-What's that? Becoming a professional basketball player.
Actually, that's not good enough to be in a Natalie Stevens pumpkin pie.
No, it's true I used to hang from a chin-up bar in my room to stretch myself.
-Does that work? I'm six-eleven, aren't I? How about you? -As a little kid? Yeah.
-Oh, I don't remember being a little kid.
What do you mean? -Well, you know, my mom died when I was 12.
No, I didn't know that.
I can't believe I didn't know that.
-Yeah.
And my dad worked nonstop I was the oldest, so I sort of filled in, I guess.
Made dinner, made sure my little sister was where she was supposed to be stuff like that.
-Oh.
Here You got that? -Yes.
Thanks.
-Well, that's funny.
You know, I think to me and frankly, the rest of my loser friends we kind of always thought you were this happy, bouncy, prom queen, cheerleader.
I don't think we ever thought your life actually had details.
Oh, yeah.
Yep.
And here I am boring you with them.
You're not boring me.
Hey, oop, here we go.
Lawyer: Mr.
Jordan How many "No Trespassing" signs would you say you posted on your property? 50.
50! They must've been everywhere.
They were.
I was sick and tired of these kids breaking into my weekend lake house every Halloween.
Lawyer: And why did you rig up a catapult? Well, I'm an engineer by trade, so it just kind of came to me.
Tried everything else to stop them.
I was at my wit's end.
Thank you.
Mr.
Jordan do you remember me? No, I can't say as I do.
Well I hate to admit it but I used to break in your weekend lake house every Halloween, too.
There was one time when you showed up with a shotgun.
You chased us out by waving it at us but you didn't shoot at us.
Why not? I wasn't about to kill somebody.
Why didn't you shoot us in the leg? That wouldn't kill us.
Really? I would never take a chance like that.
Yet you're comfortable launching a cantaloupe like a rocket at a bunch of harmless albeit trespassing high school kids who are merely taking part in a silly tradition that's been going on for years and years.
That's interesting, Mr.
Jordan.
Nothing further.
Yeah, Randy, I'm on it.
This is my seventh store today.
No, believe me, heads are going to roll on this one.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Ciao.
What are you doing? Oh, hey.
Phil Stubbs, domestic regional district interstate area manager.
And you are? Godfrey Watkins.
I'm the manager of this store.
Oh, great.
Well, you can help me with the sign.
What's this all about? What are fine Corinthian turkeys? Godfrey, how long you been with us? About eight years.
Okay, I'm going to trust you with some information that could cost me my job.
You know what "snafu" stands for? "Situation normal, all fouled up" and believe me, the only reason I'm using the word "fouled" here is because we just met.
Long story short Gus D'Acuza Mr.
West Coast big shot under-inventoried the fine Corinthian turkeys.
Randy says best way to handle it tell the customers we're sold out.
Better that than them finding out we didn't order the fine Corinthian turkeys to begin with which makes us look like a bunch of Cub Scouts holding hands at a jamboree.
Take the tape; I'm going to smooth the edges.
Godfrey, I got 46 stores to hit by the end of tomorrow Now, you part of the problem or you part of the solution? Why did my client break into Frank Jordan's lake house on Halloween? Did he do it to steal? No.
He did it because he's a normal high school kid who was taking part in a silly tradition that's been going on for years.
I did it myself.
Many of us did.
And Frank Jordan grew frustrated.
He grew frustrated, so he rigged up a dangerous weapon.
And when Frank Jordan did that he was taking the law into his own hands.
You can't do that.
That cantaloupe could've killed someone.
And Frank Jordan does not have the right to kill someone for breaking into his weekend lake house.
Thank you.
You know, it's funny Mr.
Shrader called it a dumb tradition.
Mr.
Stevens called it a silly tradition.
You know what I call it? Anillegaltradition.
What Mr.
Stevens fails to realize is that not all traditions are meant to last.
Certainly not one that involves breaking into someone's home.
Gavin Shrader didn't have to have his shoulder dislocated.
All he had to do was obey the50"no trespassing" signs posted on Mr.
Jordan's property.
Thank you.
Judge: Madam Foreman, have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
In the matter ofGavin Shrader v.
Frank Jordan what say you? We the jury find for the defendant Frank Jordan.
(gavel pounds) I'm sorry.
You fought the good fight, Mr.
Stevens.
That's all we could ask.
Thank you.
Mother, shall we go? Thank you for trying.
Thank you.
(sighing) (pan sizzling) Carol, I had an epiphany today.
What are you doing with the food? -We're not making this stuff.
That's the Natalie Stevens pie crust! -Out with the old and in with the new.
Some traditions are not meant to last.
This is an Edward J.
Stevens Thanksgiving.
As such, the start of a new tradition.
Yams.
-Put down the yams.
You can't go backwards, Carol.
Forget the pine cones, my mom's pumpkin pie.
We must leap forward.
-We are having Thanksgiving dinner in a bowling alley is that not a leap forward? -Yes.
Yes, it is.
But why stop there? If the Indians and Pilgrims had gone backwards they never would've sat down to dinner with each other.
They weren't slaves to old traditions.
They were forging new traditions which is what we must do.
Kenny! -Yep.
-Ah, there you are.
Take this box to a shelter.
We don't need it here.
Ed -Yeah.
-Remember looking out for each other during the holidays, in case one of us started to lose it? Sure.
-You're starting to lose it.
-I'm okay.
When he gets like this, it's best not to ask questions.
Just hang on for the ride of your life.
That's the turkey.
There will be no turkey served at the Edward J.
Stevens Thanksgiving.
What are you going to make? Follow me, Fair One! Let them come.
Let them come! Please form a single line in front of the table for the fine Corinthian turkeys.
Kenneth, be a dear and bring me the first fine Corinthian turkey.
Behold.
It's fine it's Corinthian it is a turkey.
Looks good.
How much? $300.
What? What? What did you think I said? $300.
$300? That's that's absurd.
$83.
I can get a turkey this size for 15 bucks at the supermarket.
Ah, but that would not be a fine Corinthian turkey.
Don't you want what's best for your family? Buddy, I'm not paying $83 for a turkey unless it's made of solid gold.
Well, that's fine with me.
You know what? You can go.
Because I have plenty of smart, paying customers here.
Sir? If you think I'm paying $83, you are whacked.
Okay, okay, hold on, people.
Hold on.
$29.
99 it's my final offer.
(laughing) We got 50 turkeys.
Okay, okay, okay.
"Just Lost My Lease Clearance Sale.
" Everything must go 18 bucks.
All right, I'll take one for 18 bucks.
It cost us $17.
You're crazy.
Crazy like a fox.
Thank you, Kenny.
Step right up.
(light music playing) (door shuts) Hey, you two boys about ready to go? In a minute, honey.
Okay.
Doo-doo-doo-doo Dream girl I'm in love with you (sighs) Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba I want you Doo-doo-doo-doo (sighs) And need you Doo-doo-doo-doo Dream girl That Internet is really something, huh? What? What? That Internet is something, huh? Oh, yes! Yes it is, Chester! The Internet is something, boy! The Internet really is something amazing! You certainly know how to start a conversation, Chester, yes, you do.
I can see that.
What's wrong with you? Uh I, uh I I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(sighs) Nance, uh (clears throat) let's go, honey.
Ed's waiting.
(crickets chirping) (distant dog barking) (glass clinking) Welcome to the first annual Edward J.
Stevens Thanksgiving.
Whoo! All right.
Just trying to help.
Thanksgiving is about tradition.
I'm very glad you're all here today so we can start our own new tradition.
(sneezing): Let's eat! Who said that? Ed: In keeping with the spirit of starting new traditions we will not be eating turkey here tonight.
(laughing) We're not going to have turkey for Thanksgiving? Oh, no, Dad, he's kidding.
Eddie does that.
He's a kidder.
You're kidding, right, Eddie? That's good.
That's funny to say no turkey.
-I'm not kidding.
What? -But I think you'll all be very, very pleased.
Carol, if you would.
You guys just clear this a little bit.
Grandfather: Whatever he made I hope it's not overloaded with MSG.
It gives me a headache in the temples.
Ed: Lift with the legs.
What the hell is that? My friends, you're looking at a 50-pound meat loaf.
(thuds) Big meat loaf.
What? Come on, look think about it, you guys.
All across the country, everyone is eating turkey but not us.
No, sir.
We're eating a 50-pound meat loaf.
Who's first? Mr.
J, come on.
Slide that plate down here.
Let's grab you a little bit of meat loaf.
I've got an industrial-size bottle of ketchup in the fridge, bigger than my head.
There we go.
Slide that on over there.
Phil: I'll just have some Ed, this thing is totally raw on the inside.
Wha what? No, it Itisraw.
How can it be raw? I cooked it for 17 hours.
It's all right, dear.
Why don't we just order something in? Well, I think there's some salad.
No, no, no.
Hang on a second.
This is important.
Maybe if I if I just shoved it in the microwave for an hour or two.
Mesdames and messieurs Mr.
Philip Stubbs is here once again to save the day.
I had these cooked and ready to go as samples.
Let us now enjoy the traditional Thanksgiving meal of turkey, as did our forefathers.
(all applauding) To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I Or somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I mean, I want to be around To pick up the pieces Thank you, sweetie.
-Sure, hon.
-Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you, sweetie.
-Sure, hon.
Happy Thanksgiving.
You, too.
(both sigh) Hey, listen, I made you a little doggie bag.
Delicious raw beef.
Come on, we made it.
-Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Good night.
Or somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I mean, I want to be around To see how he does it When he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So fine (ringing) Hi, um, this is Liz.
I'm not home right now.
Please leave a message and Happy Thanksgiving.
(beeps) (sighs) (beeps) (knocking at door) Hey.
Hey.
Mike, what are you doing here? -I just came to see how you were.
Oh I'm fine.
Look, you know, Ed, getting through that first holiday it can be tough on people.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah, and you know why? Because holidays are all about building memories, you know and history and tradition.
When I lost Liz, I think for me, those things went straight out the window, too, you know.
So what you're telling me is you're a man without traditions.
Yeah, that's right.
All the old traditions are gone anyway.
I mean, the kids can't break in to Frank Jordan's place anymore.
The halftime cannon sounds like a little popgun and as for starting new traditions well, I think we all saw how the old 50-pound meat loaf went over tonight.
No traditions at all, huh? -No.
No? Not a one? -No.
That's uh that's funny.
Why? Well, no, it's just if you have no traditions then I don't know what I'm doing with these.
One regulation size football and one 200-foot garden hose.
Mike, it's almost midnight, you know, and It's the only way I'm going to get you to stop your whining.
Skidball punt! One, two, three, skidball! Larry Aaron's coming through.
One, two, three, skidball! One, two, three, skidball!