Elsbeth (2024) s01e07 Episode Script
Something Blue
1
♪
DEREK: Whoa, this is yummy.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
[CLEARS THROAT] Pardon me.
What do you think, sir?
As I chewed, I felt myself being
whisked away to a Vegas buffet.
NORA: Daddy.
- It's my wedding.
- Well, it's my reputation, so, no.
- Mom, he's doing it again.
- POPPY: Nora, it's been a long day.
We haven't even gotten to tablescapes.
I suppose I'm a terrible father
for not letting my only
child's special day
be ruined by tepid bouillabaisse
and over-blanched langoustines.
- You won't let me pick anything.
- Not true. You picked Derek.
- You set us up.
- You're welcome.
Now leave everything to me.
Nothing's too good for my little girl.
Well, you can't control
everything, Daddy.
Derek and I have a surprise
to show you for the reception.
- Uh
- No, you don't.
- Mom?
- Ashton, just let her have this one thing,
whatever it is.
Trust us. You're gonna love it.
Can't be worse than this.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh, hello? 911?
Yeah, I need help.
'Cause my dance floor
is on fire right now.
[ALL WHOOPING]
Who is this man and what
has he done to our daughter?
His name is Rob.
We're at FlashRob Studios.
Derek does his taxes.
ROB: Oh, stop, stop, stop.
You two are making me believe in love.
[CLAPS HANDS] Yes.
All of Nora's friends used him
for their wedding receptions.
And she wants to be like everyone else?
Desperately. She's the last
in her group to get married.
ASHTON: Which is why
hers must be the best.
Has anyone seen my heart?
'Cause you two have just
completely stolen it.
Come on. Huh?
[LAUGHS]: Yeah. Right?
NORA: See? We were great.
Like Fred and Wilma.
NORA [LAUGHS]: But Daddy,
I think Derek needs
a better watch for that move.
- Ah.
- Your father is on it, honey.
Uh, I'm lonely out here all by myself.
Where's Mom?
- Uh-huh.
- [WHISPERS]: Come on.
Right now?
♪
Ah
DEREK: There is something I
wanted to talk to you about.
Uh, Nora and I received a wedding gift
from someone named Lester Wilkes?
Shh We'll discuss it later.
- Oh.
- Okay. If this family is going to dance,
it's got to be done with panache.
Yes. I agree.
That is why you can all use my studio
to practice whenever you like, okay?
The code is, uh, 1-2-3-1-2-3.
[CHUCKLES]
You can waltz in any time.
[SIGHS]
DEREK: That man I mentioned,
Lester Wilkes, has criminal ties.
He's under federal indictment.
- Did you tell Nora your concerns?
- No.
I thought I should tell you first.
Uh, we're returning the gift.
Consorting with criminals
isn't good for business.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
- It is.
- Uh
I'm relieved you brought
this to me, Derek.
It shows the diligence and discretion
that have made you an asset at the firm,
and, soon to be, the family.
Lester Wilkes is a client.
He's not in the books.
Oh, there are other books.
With other clients.
Ours is an exclusive firm
with a powerful,
high-net-worth clientele.
Some may label a subset of
these individuals "bad,"
or the word you used, "criminal."
But these people need somebody like me,
because I provide what they most desire.
Wealth management and
investment services?
The appearance of legitimacy
and respectability.
We help them grow their assets
and avoid any undue hardships,
like paying their taxes.
In return, the firm receives
a monumental share
of their ill-gotten gains,
which we then invest in remote,
tax-friendly havens.
This family that you're marrying
into may seem well-off,
but we are, in fact,
for lack of a better term,
dirty, stinking rich.
And will remain so as long as
You invest wisely.
[SOFTLY]: Yeah, uh
Discretion is maintained.
This watch has been passed
down for generations.
Because some things, like
secrets, stay in the family.
I trust that you will
honor that tradition.
Actually, you know, f-forget it.
Y-You'd probably enjoy a simpler life.
[STAMMERS]
Thank you
Dad.
Remember: discretion.
Always.
Daddy Warbucks in the house!
You stealing clients' tax refunds?
How'd you get so flush?
Shredding cheddar, baby.
Stop. Stop. They're gonna kick us out.
They can't touch me. I roll deep.
Tough guys.
- Dangerous guys.
- CAPRI: Hi, Derek.
I'm Capri. Are you ready
for your private party?
Hell yeah! [LAUGHS]
Mm-hmm.
[HOWLING]
- Well?
- Hold on.
- Finding my notes.
- Notes?
Let's see. Derek said he had
secrets he couldn't tell me.
But then he said he's a
good judge of character
and that he could trust me.
He said he struck gold
with his new family.
I presume that's you?
- Mm-hmm.
- So congrats, you're golden.
Something about secret clients,
two sets of books.
Oh, and some guy named Silks.
Wait. Autocorrect.
- Wilkes.
- Did he say anything else?
Um
Cayman Islands?
Oh, and he never touched me.
- Really sweet guy
- That'll be all.
Oh. Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Well, congrats on your wedding.
I heard it's at a country club.
Sounds nice.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
- [SIGHS]
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
I could tell he was too excited
when I gave him the watch.
- It's good that you checked.
- Well, I know what I have to do.
Keep the grisly details to yourself.
God, poor Nora.
We'll have to cancel the wedding.
Not on your life.
- Ashton.
- She can handle losing a husband,
but she would never recover
from a canceled wedding.
Especially after all
the work you've put in.
People are expecting an
Ashton Hayes extravaganza,
so by God, the Hayeses
will have their day.
♪
Ready, sweetheart?
Thank you, Daddy. It's perfect.
- It better be.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
- [WHISPERS]: Derek.
- DEREK: Hey!
[LAUGHS]: Dad.
[DEREK GRUNTS]
Pow. Pow, pow. [GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
Brewskis for the broskis.
Oh, you can do better than that.
[EXHALES] Yeah.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
[GULPING, EXHALES]
Here. Have mine. Broski.
- Mm.
- So, was it fun?
Amazing.
People are gonna talk
about this night
[WHISPERS]: forever.
I have no doubt.
Oh, hey. Let's take a ride.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Pedal to the metal, Dad.
[DEREK EXHALES SHAKILY]
Here you go. [GRUNTING]
[BUCKLE CLICKS]
[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
Shut up.
Here.
This will help you stay quiet.
Why couldn't you just
keep your mouth shut?
[SIGHS]
A long line of honorable
men wore this watch.
And you desecrate it with
that abomination of a dance.
[GRUNTS]
[WATER SPLASHES]
Help!
Help!
DONNELLY: You found him, Mr. Hayes?
We were going to have a
father/son drink outside
to cap the evening.
I heard a crash and
I still can't believe this.
Hi.
- Sorry. Sweet tooth.
- Where did you f
Never mind.
Did you see him get in the cart?
No, uh, I'm-I'm sorry.
That cake has been
sitting out for hours.
It's well past its prime.
Oh, but it's still delicious.
No, it's not.
- Sir, we should really c
- No, it's okay.
Too much sugar at night. He's right.
[CLEARS THROAT]
KAYA: So, the drunk
groom drove his golf cart
into a water hazard on the 12th hole.
He drowned.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
And it seems like such
a beautiful wedding.
Mine was nothing like this.
It had way more pleated
pants and mosquitos.
- You're married?
- You're married?
I am? Oh. No.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
No, no, I'm divorced.
ASHTON: Here we are.
I had these made fresh
for tomorrow's sadly
now-canceled brunch.
NORA: It doesn't make any sense.
Derek never ever drove at night.
- Why not?
- Dumb astigmatism.
ASHTON: People do stupid
things at weddings,
and he was so drunk.
Th-they found a-a beer bottle,
- is that correct?
- Mm-hmm.
- But he hates beer.
- He drank it all the time.
Yeah, because you'd
offer. You're his boss.
Or were.
[SIGHS]
ELSBETH: Hi. Mr. Hayes.
I'm Elsbeth Tascioni.
I'm the police police.
- The what?
- Uh, never mind.
- So, you two worked together?
- Yes, yes.
Derek was my best junior accountant.
It's so horrible. I-I, um
I'm never gonna get to
really know my son-in-law.
Well, you must have
known him pretty well
if he was your best junior accountant.
Well, how well can anyone know anyone?
Pretty well, actually.
- Agree to disagree.
- Agreed.
Uh, I, uh, I only hope that
the wedding was so beautiful
that people remember that more
than this senseless tragedy.
Now, if you'll excuse us
Let's go, baby.
- That was weird.
- Right?
Why would you hope people
forget the groom's tragic death?
'Cause it's depressing as hell?
Holy cow, this is good.
♪
WAGNER [CHUCKLES]: Nothing beats deli.
- Good old Z-Z's.
- Mm-hmm.
So, what's up, Cap?
What do you mean?
You don't often call me in for a
coffee and doughnut sit-down, so
Well
This Celetano thing is heating up.
I need to throw some water on it.
You need to give me everything
you have on FlairAll.
This again? I'm telling
you, I handled it.
- It's all good.
- Well, maybe so, but
Whoa. Wait a minute, what
do you mean maybe so?
- You don't think I did?
- No, it's not that.
I just want to dig into
the details myself.
Things fly across my desk.
Maybe I'm too hands-off in this job.
Well, look, if you're second-guessing
the way I handle my cases
- Aw.
- then maybe we should switch.
I could spend my days sitting in
that nice leather chair there.
Yeah, well, this job has drawbacks.
I don't think I would have minded.
Is that right?
♪
- I didn't realize you were interested.
- My interest didn't matter.
The powers that be never wanted me.
You fill the chair the way
they wanted to fill the chair.
Just wait a second.
You saying I wasn't qualified?
No, I'm not saying that at all.
No one was more qualified
than you, I mean that.
Really. You earned it.
- Thank you.
- But we both earned it, actually.
I mean, come on. We know the optics.
What are you gonna do?
- Culture, right?
- Dave, this is
ELSBETH: Good morning, gentlemen.
Is this a bad time?
Ooh, doughnuts.
No, my coffee was cold, anyway.
And I've got to go
double-check some things.
ELSBETH: Oh, wait, um, I am
having a housewarming party.
Please invite Claudia, too.
She will class up the joint.
Thank you, Ms. Tascioni. I'll see.
Please close the door behind you.
♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
-
- DONNELLY: Looks like a clear-cut accident.
People doing stupid stuff at a wedding.
Like having them.
Sorry. Bad divorce.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, not so sure about
this being an accident.
M.E. report.
"Petechial hemorrhages in
the lining of the eyes.
High levels of carbon
dioxide in the blood.
No water found in the lungs."
Derek didn't drown. He suffocated.
- BOTH: Suffocated?
- Mm-hmm.
What'd they find in the way of trauma?
- Were there ligature marks?
- No. No trauma.
No sign anything physically
stopped his breathing.
Well, he didn't hold his own breath.
ELSBETH: Ooh, this beer
bottle is really stuck.
[GRUNTS] Oh.
Wha Oh, God.
[CHUCKLES]
Nora said that
Derek didn't even like beer. Huh.
Oh! Speaking of beer.
I'm sure that the gossip
has already reached you,
- but it's true.
- Oh.
I'm having a housewarming party.
I bought a place. I'm a New Yorker.
You most certainly are not.
Hey, congratulations.
- Thanks.
- [CHUCKLES]
It's BYOB. Bring your own
booze, bubbles, bongos.
The "B" is flexible.
Well, I'm really psyched
about your alphabet party,
but right now I think we should
go see the Hayes family.
B for "brilliant."
Don't do that.
Unfortunately, we can't sign off on it
being an accident at this time.
- But it was an accident, right?
- Of course it was.
KAYA: We need the name
of the videographer,
so we can take a look at the
footage from the reception.
We didn't have one.
We only did pre-ceremony photos.
Oh, that's too bad.
No pictures or videos of
that stunning wedding?
I don't want my guests having
cameras shoved in their faces.
It wasn't the Golden Globes.
Well, we're gonna need
to see the guest list.
Well, that'll take some time.
There were over 300 guests.
Oh, wow. Nora, that's a lot of friends.
[SCOFFS] Well, they were mostly
Daddy's friends and clients.
And now I'm an old, gross
widow with no friends
'cause my friends all suck.
- Nora.
- Oh, no.
Too bad there were no cameras.
[GASPS] Of course, there's
sure to be cell phone footage.
[STAMMERS] Possibly.
Great. Ooh, look at those.
Aw, look how cute she is.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, my
goodness. Is this you?
- Ah, yes. My salad days at Yale.
- You were a cheerleader?
Oh, yeah. There's nothing
funny about that.
So was George W. Bush.
Of course, my father and grandfather
were none too thrilled.
Oh. [CLICKS TONGUE]
Parents can be very hard to please.
So, Derek, he was your
best junior accountant?
He was good and trustworthy,
especially important in the
wealth management business.
- Well, now, if there's nothing else
- Hey, you know what?
I need to get my finances in shape.
I just bought an apartment, and I'm
Oh, oh do you guys mind?
I love you both so much,
but this might get a little personal.
We'll be outside.
- Excuse me, Miss
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Uh, it escaped me.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Elsbeth Tascioni.
Elsbet. Oh, Scottish.
No, Elsbeth.
[CHUCKLES]: You should hear me
trying to say the "Hayeseseses house."
Ms. Tascioni, uh, I doubt that you
would benefit from my services
on a police salary.
Oh. Oh, no. I've actually been
a very successful lawyer.
- Oh.
- This police stuff is new.
But it turns out, I am very
good at solving murder cases.
Oh. How lucky.
Well, perhaps if I can find
some times in my schedule,
I'll let you know.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
I need to tend to my daughter.
You're a good dad.
♪
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Well promise you won't forget me.
- How could I?
- [DOOR OPENS]
POPPY: Ashton.
Nora has something to tell you.
- Promise me you won't tell anyone.
- Mm-mm.
- Promise me, Daddy.
- Darling, you can always trust me.
After you all left,
my poor, guilt-ridden Nora confessed
to having an extramarital affair
with that scoundrel, Rob,
the wedding choreographer.
[CHEERING ON VIDEO]
Derek must have figured it out
and gotten so upset that he
- well
- Drove into a pond?
And wouldn't it technically be
premarital, not extramarital,
if it happened before the wedding?
N-Nora told me this in confidence,
but I knew it was too
important not to tell you.
I had no idea.
It's also surprising behavior
from a choreographer.
Except Bob Fosse.
Thank you for bringing this to us.
ASHTON: Any way I can help.
And please say hi to Claudia for us.
♪
Hey!
I guess there are videos.
Guess so.
WAGNER: Well, this affair between
Nora and Rob adds a new focus.
Found it.
The hashtag for the wedding
is #HayHayHayesAndDavis.
Oh, my son Teddy, his friends
have the cutest wedding hashtags.
#MrAndMrConway.
#DougAndDougDoThatWeddingThang.
#LoveIsLove.
#CanWeGetBackToTheCase?
Uh, I would bet money
that Rob is involved.
Jealousy-driven murder.
Does anyone else find it weird
how quickly Ashton brought this to us
after his daughter told
him to keep it secret?
- He seemed like he was enjoying it.
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
- I know
- I like the Rob angle.
- Never trust a dancing man.
WAGNER: Donnelly, dig into
the videos Elsbeth found.
See if we can pinpoint Rob's
location at the time of death.
- I'll follow up on the guest list.
- Ms. Tascioni?
- [LIVELY CHATTER ON VIDEO]
- Wow.
Derek and Nora could've
been on Broadway.
- Ms. Tascioni.
- Yes, sir.
Donnelly takes the lead.
[BOSSA NOVA MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Ah.
You must be my private lesson. [LAUGHS]
- Enchanté.
- Oh, enchantée, Rob. Rob.
Oh.
Whoa!
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
So, is this lesson for something,
or someone, special?
Um, not exactly.
- Oh, whoa, whoa.
- Well, we will make it special.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- That's a FlashRob Studios 100% guarantee.
- [LAUGHS FLIRTATIOUSLY]
- [GASPING SOFTLY]
Okay, actually, I'm here about Derek.
Um, I am working the case,
and I am not police,
but I am not not police.
Sorry, what case?
- Derek drowned.
- Oh. It doesn't appear so.
Didn't Nora tell you?
- You two were so close.
- [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, Nora hasn't returned
my texts since the wedding.
And yes, we were sleeping together,
but it didn't mean anything.
It's a occupational hazard.
I'm currently sleeping
with six dance students
and four brides-to-be.
My dance card's full.
[LAUGHS] That's a
That is almost a pun.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
So, you didn't kill Derek
because you were jealous
and you wanted his life?
Let's see. Would I rather be
married with a nine-to-five job,
or spend my days
dipping different women?
And by "dipping," you mean
- Listen
- Oh.
Derek was my accountant
and sort of friend.
And I felt really guilty
about me and Nora,
and I wanted to come clean,
but, not after what happened
at the bachelor party.
- Why? What happened?
- Well, Derek was acting like a tool
and disappeared for a
private "Capri party"
for, uh, way too long.
He went to Capri?
- That's the exotic dancer's name.
- Oh.
- Oh. Oh
- [CHUCKLES]
It still was a great wedding, though.
Oh, yes, it was.
Your choreography was inspired.
That's my trademark move.
He had it on when he
was doing the dance,
but not when he was
pulled from the pond.
The police dredged the pond,
but they didn't find anything.
Got 30 minutes left. Anything else?
Do you teach the "Hot Honey Rag"?
Officer Blanke.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Everything good?
Everything's great, sir.
I notice you and Elsbeth
are thick as thieves.
- Anything to report?
- Nothing yet.
She invited me out for
a ladies' night tonight.
Not sure what that will entail.
A clown emoji was used. [CHUCKLES]
Interesting.
Well, if there's nothing
you want to share
There's not. Nothing at all, sir.
Huh.
Okay.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you, sir.
[INDISTINCT HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]
KAYA: So, where are the clowns?
I'm sorry, that clown
emoji was just a ruse.
A heads-up would have been nice.
I mean, this is a bit
much for a Tuesday.
I know, but Rob told me that Derek
had a private bachelor party
with a dancer here named Capri.
Captain Wagner didn't sanction this,
so we cannot question her as
police on official business.
- I know, but
- Hi, ladies.
My name's Capri. You asked for me?
Is this a special occasion?
[CLEARS THROAT]
It certainly is.
I am actually engaged to her son Teddy.
And she is the greatest
mom-in-law to be,
and we want to make sure that
he has the best bachelor party,
and you came highly recommended.
And we want to be sure
that nothing bad happens,
and that Teddy stays true to me.
You think you can help us out with that?
- Of course. I do it all the time.
- ELSBETH: Good.
Because we don't want any hiccups.
This little angel here and my son,
- they get anything that they want.
- CAPRI: Aw.
Well, except golf carts.
Oh.
- Did you see the news?
- OMG, that groom was my client.
- No way.
- No way.
Okay
So Derek spilled the beans to Capri
about Ashton's business,
which is understandable.
She is so nice.
And then Capri told Ashton,
which must be what made
him want to kill Derek.
Maybe so, but how did Derek suffocate?
The M.E. still can't find anything.
Yeah. And where is that darn watch?
Oh, and for the record,
- I would love to be your mother-in-law.
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, I'm flattered.
But I don't think I'm Teddy's type.
- Am I right?
- No. Not only 'cause he's gay,
but based on his last few boyfriends,
he doesn't really fall for
kind or honest people.
- Aw.
- Poor Teddy.
Thanks.
But I don't feel so kind
or honest right now.
Captain Wagner called me
into his office for a chat.
I was crawling out of my
skin. I feel so guilty.
I know, but we're gonna
get to the truth soon.
- I hope so.
- In the meantime,
let's give this glorified accountant
a deep, thorough audit.
- Let's audit the hell out of him.
- Okay.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Mr. Hayes.
- What a surprise.
- Ms. Tascioni.
What are you doing here?
Well, I like this club so much
I got a day pass to try it out.
- I'll give you a lift.
- I'm good.
The range is right there.
[TIRES SCREECH]
We'll take the scenic route.
HAYES: Could you slow down, please?
[ELSBETH LAUGHS]
You need to loosen up. This is fun.
Okay, now, this is the
hill he drove down.
Poor Derek.
I wonder what he was
thinking that night.
He clearly wasn't.
Well, I bet we [CLICKS TONGUE]
can figure it out.
So I am gonna take this here beer bottle
and stick it under the brake
Wait.
- And then see what happens.
- Don't Don't
Stop. Stop.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Are you nuts? You could have killed us.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I was in total control.
I tried it five times
before I picked you up,
and each time I did it,
the beer bottle popped
out from under the brake.
So how did it get so stuck that night?
Unless it was jammed
in there on purpose.
But why would Derek do that?
What He was drunk. Who knows?
Right. But Derek didn't even like beer.
He only drank it to please you.
I would appreciate it if you
would work out your theories
without using me as a test dummy.
Oh, you're no dummy.
I could tell that right away.
Now
where is that watch?
- What watch?
- What watch?
The family heirloom you
gave to Derek, silly.
[LAUGHS]
He told Rob all about it.
Oh, Derek was so proud.
Oh, that watch. Mm.
You know, it makes sense
that Rob would bring that up.
He probably stole it.
Oh, you're right. Jealous Rob.
Right, he wanted the girl,
the gold watch and everything.
Well, don't you worry, we won't rest
until we get it back.
Things like that need to stay
in the family, don't you think?
What I think
is I'm driving back.
Oh. Hmm.
This is everything on FlairAll?
NOONAN: Yeah, the
whole kit and caboodle.
I told you there wasn't
much to look into.
A lot of wild accusations.
And listen, um about earlier?
You know how I am before
my coffee kicks in.
I am happy for you, really.
And it's been great working under you.
Thanks, Dave.
A little word to the wise.
Don't let your insecurities
hide your inabilities.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Since I'm not playing golf today,
I will give you ten
minutes to talk shop.
How are your investments?
Great, I think.
I have everything in triple-A
Uh, wait, that's mine.
Sorry, club policy, no bottles.
- That's weird.
- It's proper.
And a rule I strictly enforce as head
of the entertainment committee.
Entertainment committee?
That sounds fun.
But then how did Derek
get the beer bottle
in the golf cart?
Well, I try to enforce the rule,
- but you know how it goes.
- I don't.
With you it seems there
is no try, only do.
Is that Yoda?
Excuse me, Mr. Hayes.
- Elsbeth?
- Ah. Duty calls.
If you do finally get to play golf,
I hope you get a very high score.
Okay, so, I talked to
the manager, Janine.
She's also from Queens,
unlike the members
of this creepy place,
but she did me a favor
and gave me a copy of the
guest list from the wedding.
- Ooh, good job.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you think Janine could
do us another favor?
We so appreciate the tour, Janine.
- Anything for Queens.
- Aw.
Ooh, what's back there?
Perishables and bottled beverages.
Ah.
So, If I wanted something,
could I just sneak back here
- and grab it?
- Oh, no. Staff only.
Club policy and state regulations.
Oh. And is that strictly enforced?
Well, I admit there's a
pushy member or two
whose access to the kitchen
is more flexible.
Sounds like someone we know.
Perishables are labeled,
dated and checked daily.
Ooh, I love all the steam.
It's so good for the skin.
Ooh, puddings.
And cherry. I love cherry.
How does this work?
Oh, I see. It goes in here, and
then bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Pretty fast.
Ooh.
Oh, wait.
- Where are the labels?
- JANINE: Kitchen secret.
Food-grade safe.
It completely dissolves
in water in 30 seconds.
So Derek shared privileged information
with exotic dancer Capri
at his bachelor party.
She told us all about it.
Ladies' night, I take it.
Turns out Capri was
paid by the Hayesese
The Hayesesese
The Hayes family to spy on Derek.
Smart. I wish I'd thought
of that with my ex.
Sorry, this case is
bringing up some stuff.
Aw, but they weren't checking
on his fidelity to Nora.
They only cared about what
he said, not what he did.
ELSBETH: So why would Ashton,
who was so proud of his perfect wedding,
not want any photographs or video?
I didn't buy that whole
Golden Globes line.
Everybody loves the Globes.
- They're so fun and informal.
- Right, right
KAYA: The family said they had
over 300 guests at the wedding,
but the guest list we got
only had 220. Why?
ELSBETH: I zoomed in on the dance video.
And I recognized people
from my Chicago days.
Now these are powerful
people with a lot of secrets.
Derek was too big of a risk.
What about our dancer friend, Rob?
DONNELLY: Rob left early
with one of the bridesmaids.
She texted the group chat:
"Good news, I got Rob-bed."
That's why Nora said her friends "suck."
And why Rob said that Nora
stopped texting him back.
Rob said that?
- When?
- I took a dance lesson.
But just in case people
cut a rug at my party.
I will not be cutting a rug.
Next, the beer bottle.
Club policy doesn't allow
beverage bottles to remain out.
- So how did Derek
- Who didn't like beer.
Or Rob, for argument's
sake, get the bottle?
They didn't. Only staff and pushy
members go in the kitchen,
like when Ashton brought us
- those delicious popovers.
- They were very good.
- Yeah.
- Guess what else was in the kitchen?
Tape?
Just give it a second.
Or 30.
The M.E. couldn't find a physical
reason for Derek's suffocation.
[GASPS]
Because it didn't exist anymore.
See? Dissolving tape.
Ashton expected the tape to
dissolve and Derek to drown.
But he used too much,
so Derek suffocated first.
Disappearing weapons.
- That's great for us.
- Mm-hmm.
This is all good, but not good enough.
We still need hard, physical evidence.
We sure do.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hello?
- Ashton, C.W. Wagner here.
Captain. How can I help you?
This is more about me helping you.
We're focused on finding
that watch you gave Derek.
Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
That watch is key to closing our case.
We know from videos that Derek
had it on prior to his death.
So we're going to dredge the
golf course pond again tomorrow.
If we find it, you get your
precious heirloom back
and the certainty that this
was a tragic accident.
If we don't, we have to
redouble our efforts,
knowing someone else was
involved in Derek's death
and has that watch in his possession.
You mean Rob?
Well, he certainly is
a person of interest.
That's all I can say.
Uh, I see.
I wanted to give you a heads-up so
you can prepare to comfort Nora.
Speak soon.
We're not going to
dredge that pond again.
Of course not.
They're clearly non-members,
lurking there behind the bushes
on the 12th hole near the pond.
I swear one of them had a camera.
I'm sorry. All I can say is they
have permission to be there.
KAYA: Ashton is heading toward his car.
Shoot.
He must have figured out
- the police are watching the pond.
- Mm-hmm.
What's he doing?
[GASPS] That was the watch.
He put it in his pocket.
Well, we know where he's going.
So? We still can't get the
watch out of his pocket.
I have an idea.
[INHALES]
But we have to get there
first. Let me drive.
- Oh, hello.
- Oh. [GASPS]
Uh, what are you doing here?
I'm rehearsing for my
housewarming party.
What are you doing here?
Or better yet, how did you get in here?
Rob gave us the code,
so we could practice,
uh, for Nora's wedding.
And I came by to warn him off Nora.
- Oh.
- Father to choreographer.
I didn't think he'd let me in,
because I'm so mad at him.
Which I'm not, really.
So I used the code.
I'm going to go now.
Oh, please don't go.
I'm still working on my routine,
but I can't do it alone.
- Sorry.
- Oh, please?
You are such a terrific dancer.
I saw you dancing on that video
with Nora and Poppy at the wedding.
I try to move with a certain panache.
And you were probably a really
wonderful cheerleader, too.
- Mm.
- Wow.
That must've felt so free.
Flinging your body around like that.
I bet you haven't had
a chance to do that
in a very long time.
You are oddly persistent, Ms. Tascioni.
And persistently odd.
I know, so
[TURNS MUSIC ON]
dance with me.
Loosen up just this once.
And I'll leave you alone forever.
Yes! Hey, we're gonna do
the Charleston, ready?
And twinkle toes.
Rainbows and twinkle toes.
And rainbows and twinkle toes.
Rainbows. No, you need to loosen up.
[BLABBERING]
Chicken!
[SQUAWKS]
[SQUAWKS, CLUCKING]
[SQUAWKS]
Ooh! I like that. Gwen Verdon.
- Oh, no, this is Gwen Verdon.
- Yeah.
[ELSBETH LAUGHING]
[VOCALIZING]
How about that, huh?
How do you like that, right?
- How about that there, right?
- Yeah, that's good,
but I'm gonna do a cartwheel.
Ms. Tascioni, I'm sorry,
that is not a cartwheel.
- Oh?
- I will show you a cartwheel.
Ah, yes!
Never trust a dancing man.
ELSBETH: We did it!
Take a bow, Mr. Hayes.
KAYA: Better yet, put your
hands behind your back.
You're under arrest.
ELSBETH: It is a nice watch.
Maybe Nora will find
somebody else to give it to.
I hope she does.
But she'll never have a
more beautiful wedding.
♪
Ooh!
My favorite person.
Come meet all my other favorite people.
Oh, wow, this place is so great.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I still don't have a
place to hang these yet.
Well, hold on, I know you said
the B for BYOB was flexible.
Mm.
B for
Oh, B, bee hooks.
- For your tote bags.
- Oh, I love them so much.
- [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.
Um, okay. You mingle
- and I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey.
Hmm.
Hey!
Officer Blanke, hey!
- B for bop.
- All right.
B for babka.
It's from work, they gave me a discount.
We actually met on my bus.
I'm a rapping tour guide and
Elsbeth is, like, my biggest fan.
- That's so nice.
- So what do you do?
Well, I was a paid intern,
but it's actually a crazy story.
You're so
Captain Wagner,
- oh, I am so glad you came.
- Hey. Yeah.
No Claudia?
Unfortunately, she had a board meeting.
But she insisted I come and
give you this on her behalf.
She said you have to keep it cool.
B for
Beluga caviar.
She is all class.
Well, she's missing out.
We have a caricaturist.
Where's the B for booze?
Straight back to the kitchen.
Turns out anyone
[LIVELY CHATTER, LAUGHTER]
Hi!
♪
You've made a lot of friends.
Yeah, you know, when I was
putting together my invitations,
I realized a lot of the people
I became friends with
turned out to be murderers.
- Guess you never know.
- Yeah.
This place is great.
It's good bones.
It's gonna be even
greater with your help.
- Mm.
- Oh, and look at this.
KAYA: I thought you wanted to
be a New Yorker with a view?
This is a view of New Yorkers.
- Aren't they fascinating?
- [LAUGHS]
[PHONE BUZZING]
Don't answer that.
I know it's Celetano on the line.
I always prided myself
on having a good gauge
of people I could trust.
And now
- I'm not so sure.
- Well, it can be hard.
I try to remember to listen to my gut.
And my heart.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I think Lieutenant Noonan
is doing things behind
my back in my name.
Well, I'll be honest with you.
That is not good for you.
25 years, and I thought
he was on my side.
Now, tell me, since we're being honest,
whose side are you on, Elsbeth Tascioni?
♪
DEREK: Whoa, this is yummy.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
[CLEARS THROAT] Pardon me.
What do you think, sir?
As I chewed, I felt myself being
whisked away to a Vegas buffet.
NORA: Daddy.
- It's my wedding.
- Well, it's my reputation, so, no.
- Mom, he's doing it again.
- POPPY: Nora, it's been a long day.
We haven't even gotten to tablescapes.
I suppose I'm a terrible father
for not letting my only
child's special day
be ruined by tepid bouillabaisse
and over-blanched langoustines.
- You won't let me pick anything.
- Not true. You picked Derek.
- You set us up.
- You're welcome.
Now leave everything to me.
Nothing's too good for my little girl.
Well, you can't control
everything, Daddy.
Derek and I have a surprise
to show you for the reception.
- Uh
- No, you don't.
- Mom?
- Ashton, just let her have this one thing,
whatever it is.
Trust us. You're gonna love it.
Can't be worse than this.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh, hello? 911?
Yeah, I need help.
'Cause my dance floor
is on fire right now.
[ALL WHOOPING]
Who is this man and what
has he done to our daughter?
His name is Rob.
We're at FlashRob Studios.
Derek does his taxes.
ROB: Oh, stop, stop, stop.
You two are making me believe in love.
[CLAPS HANDS] Yes.
All of Nora's friends used him
for their wedding receptions.
And she wants to be like everyone else?
Desperately. She's the last
in her group to get married.
ASHTON: Which is why
hers must be the best.
Has anyone seen my heart?
'Cause you two have just
completely stolen it.
Come on. Huh?
[LAUGHS]: Yeah. Right?
NORA: See? We were great.
Like Fred and Wilma.
NORA [LAUGHS]: But Daddy,
I think Derek needs
a better watch for that move.
- Ah.
- Your father is on it, honey.
Uh, I'm lonely out here all by myself.
Where's Mom?
- Uh-huh.
- [WHISPERS]: Come on.
Right now?
♪
Ah
DEREK: There is something I
wanted to talk to you about.
Uh, Nora and I received a wedding gift
from someone named Lester Wilkes?
Shh We'll discuss it later.
- Oh.
- Okay. If this family is going to dance,
it's got to be done with panache.
Yes. I agree.
That is why you can all use my studio
to practice whenever you like, okay?
The code is, uh, 1-2-3-1-2-3.
[CHUCKLES]
You can waltz in any time.
[SIGHS]
DEREK: That man I mentioned,
Lester Wilkes, has criminal ties.
He's under federal indictment.
- Did you tell Nora your concerns?
- No.
I thought I should tell you first.
Uh, we're returning the gift.
Consorting with criminals
isn't good for business.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
- It is.
- Uh
I'm relieved you brought
this to me, Derek.
It shows the diligence and discretion
that have made you an asset at the firm,
and, soon to be, the family.
Lester Wilkes is a client.
He's not in the books.
Oh, there are other books.
With other clients.
Ours is an exclusive firm
with a powerful,
high-net-worth clientele.
Some may label a subset of
these individuals "bad,"
or the word you used, "criminal."
But these people need somebody like me,
because I provide what they most desire.
Wealth management and
investment services?
The appearance of legitimacy
and respectability.
We help them grow their assets
and avoid any undue hardships,
like paying their taxes.
In return, the firm receives
a monumental share
of their ill-gotten gains,
which we then invest in remote,
tax-friendly havens.
This family that you're marrying
into may seem well-off,
but we are, in fact,
for lack of a better term,
dirty, stinking rich.
And will remain so as long as
You invest wisely.
[SOFTLY]: Yeah, uh
Discretion is maintained.
This watch has been passed
down for generations.
Because some things, like
secrets, stay in the family.
I trust that you will
honor that tradition.
Actually, you know, f-forget it.
Y-You'd probably enjoy a simpler life.
[STAMMERS]
Thank you
Dad.
Remember: discretion.
Always.
Daddy Warbucks in the house!
You stealing clients' tax refunds?
How'd you get so flush?
Shredding cheddar, baby.
Stop. Stop. They're gonna kick us out.
They can't touch me. I roll deep.
Tough guys.
- Dangerous guys.
- CAPRI: Hi, Derek.
I'm Capri. Are you ready
for your private party?
Hell yeah! [LAUGHS]
Mm-hmm.
[HOWLING]
- Well?
- Hold on.
- Finding my notes.
- Notes?
Let's see. Derek said he had
secrets he couldn't tell me.
But then he said he's a
good judge of character
and that he could trust me.
He said he struck gold
with his new family.
I presume that's you?
- Mm-hmm.
- So congrats, you're golden.
Something about secret clients,
two sets of books.
Oh, and some guy named Silks.
Wait. Autocorrect.
- Wilkes.
- Did he say anything else?
Um
Cayman Islands?
Oh, and he never touched me.
- Really sweet guy
- That'll be all.
Oh. Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Well, congrats on your wedding.
I heard it's at a country club.
Sounds nice.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
- [SIGHS]
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
I could tell he was too excited
when I gave him the watch.
- It's good that you checked.
- Well, I know what I have to do.
Keep the grisly details to yourself.
God, poor Nora.
We'll have to cancel the wedding.
Not on your life.
- Ashton.
- She can handle losing a husband,
but she would never recover
from a canceled wedding.
Especially after all
the work you've put in.
People are expecting an
Ashton Hayes extravaganza,
so by God, the Hayeses
will have their day.
♪
Ready, sweetheart?
Thank you, Daddy. It's perfect.
- It better be.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
- [WHISPERS]: Derek.
- DEREK: Hey!
[LAUGHS]: Dad.
[DEREK GRUNTS]
Pow. Pow, pow. [GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
Brewskis for the broskis.
Oh, you can do better than that.
[EXHALES] Yeah.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
[GULPING, EXHALES]
Here. Have mine. Broski.
- Mm.
- So, was it fun?
Amazing.
People are gonna talk
about this night
[WHISPERS]: forever.
I have no doubt.
Oh, hey. Let's take a ride.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Pedal to the metal, Dad.
[DEREK EXHALES SHAKILY]
Here you go. [GRUNTING]
[BUCKLE CLICKS]
[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
Shut up.
Here.
This will help you stay quiet.
Why couldn't you just
keep your mouth shut?
[SIGHS]
A long line of honorable
men wore this watch.
And you desecrate it with
that abomination of a dance.
[GRUNTS]
[WATER SPLASHES]
Help!
Help!
DONNELLY: You found him, Mr. Hayes?
We were going to have a
father/son drink outside
to cap the evening.
I heard a crash and
I still can't believe this.
Hi.
- Sorry. Sweet tooth.
- Where did you f
Never mind.
Did you see him get in the cart?
No, uh, I'm-I'm sorry.
That cake has been
sitting out for hours.
It's well past its prime.
Oh, but it's still delicious.
No, it's not.
- Sir, we should really c
- No, it's okay.
Too much sugar at night. He's right.
[CLEARS THROAT]
KAYA: So, the drunk
groom drove his golf cart
into a water hazard on the 12th hole.
He drowned.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
And it seems like such
a beautiful wedding.
Mine was nothing like this.
It had way more pleated
pants and mosquitos.
- You're married?
- You're married?
I am? Oh. No.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
No, no, I'm divorced.
ASHTON: Here we are.
I had these made fresh
for tomorrow's sadly
now-canceled brunch.
NORA: It doesn't make any sense.
Derek never ever drove at night.
- Why not?
- Dumb astigmatism.
ASHTON: People do stupid
things at weddings,
and he was so drunk.
Th-they found a-a beer bottle,
- is that correct?
- Mm-hmm.
- But he hates beer.
- He drank it all the time.
Yeah, because you'd
offer. You're his boss.
Or were.
[SIGHS]
ELSBETH: Hi. Mr. Hayes.
I'm Elsbeth Tascioni.
I'm the police police.
- The what?
- Uh, never mind.
- So, you two worked together?
- Yes, yes.
Derek was my best junior accountant.
It's so horrible. I-I, um
I'm never gonna get to
really know my son-in-law.
Well, you must have
known him pretty well
if he was your best junior accountant.
Well, how well can anyone know anyone?
Pretty well, actually.
- Agree to disagree.
- Agreed.
Uh, I, uh, I only hope that
the wedding was so beautiful
that people remember that more
than this senseless tragedy.
Now, if you'll excuse us
Let's go, baby.
- That was weird.
- Right?
Why would you hope people
forget the groom's tragic death?
'Cause it's depressing as hell?
Holy cow, this is good.
♪
WAGNER [CHUCKLES]: Nothing beats deli.
- Good old Z-Z's.
- Mm-hmm.
So, what's up, Cap?
What do you mean?
You don't often call me in for a
coffee and doughnut sit-down, so
Well
This Celetano thing is heating up.
I need to throw some water on it.
You need to give me everything
you have on FlairAll.
This again? I'm telling
you, I handled it.
- It's all good.
- Well, maybe so, but
Whoa. Wait a minute, what
do you mean maybe so?
- You don't think I did?
- No, it's not that.
I just want to dig into
the details myself.
Things fly across my desk.
Maybe I'm too hands-off in this job.
Well, look, if you're second-guessing
the way I handle my cases
- Aw.
- then maybe we should switch.
I could spend my days sitting in
that nice leather chair there.
Yeah, well, this job has drawbacks.
I don't think I would have minded.
Is that right?
♪
- I didn't realize you were interested.
- My interest didn't matter.
The powers that be never wanted me.
You fill the chair the way
they wanted to fill the chair.
Just wait a second.
You saying I wasn't qualified?
No, I'm not saying that at all.
No one was more qualified
than you, I mean that.
Really. You earned it.
- Thank you.
- But we both earned it, actually.
I mean, come on. We know the optics.
What are you gonna do?
- Culture, right?
- Dave, this is
ELSBETH: Good morning, gentlemen.
Is this a bad time?
Ooh, doughnuts.
No, my coffee was cold, anyway.
And I've got to go
double-check some things.
ELSBETH: Oh, wait, um, I am
having a housewarming party.
Please invite Claudia, too.
She will class up the joint.
Thank you, Ms. Tascioni. I'll see.
Please close the door behind you.
♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
-
- DONNELLY: Looks like a clear-cut accident.
People doing stupid stuff at a wedding.
Like having them.
Sorry. Bad divorce.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, not so sure about
this being an accident.
M.E. report.
"Petechial hemorrhages in
the lining of the eyes.
High levels of carbon
dioxide in the blood.
No water found in the lungs."
Derek didn't drown. He suffocated.
- BOTH: Suffocated?
- Mm-hmm.
What'd they find in the way of trauma?
- Were there ligature marks?
- No. No trauma.
No sign anything physically
stopped his breathing.
Well, he didn't hold his own breath.
ELSBETH: Ooh, this beer
bottle is really stuck.
[GRUNTS] Oh.
Wha Oh, God.
[CHUCKLES]
Nora said that
Derek didn't even like beer. Huh.
Oh! Speaking of beer.
I'm sure that the gossip
has already reached you,
- but it's true.
- Oh.
I'm having a housewarming party.
I bought a place. I'm a New Yorker.
You most certainly are not.
Hey, congratulations.
- Thanks.
- [CHUCKLES]
It's BYOB. Bring your own
booze, bubbles, bongos.
The "B" is flexible.
Well, I'm really psyched
about your alphabet party,
but right now I think we should
go see the Hayes family.
B for "brilliant."
Don't do that.
Unfortunately, we can't sign off on it
being an accident at this time.
- But it was an accident, right?
- Of course it was.
KAYA: We need the name
of the videographer,
so we can take a look at the
footage from the reception.
We didn't have one.
We only did pre-ceremony photos.
Oh, that's too bad.
No pictures or videos of
that stunning wedding?
I don't want my guests having
cameras shoved in their faces.
It wasn't the Golden Globes.
Well, we're gonna need
to see the guest list.
Well, that'll take some time.
There were over 300 guests.
Oh, wow. Nora, that's a lot of friends.
[SCOFFS] Well, they were mostly
Daddy's friends and clients.
And now I'm an old, gross
widow with no friends
'cause my friends all suck.
- Nora.
- Oh, no.
Too bad there were no cameras.
[GASPS] Of course, there's
sure to be cell phone footage.
[STAMMERS] Possibly.
Great. Ooh, look at those.
Aw, look how cute she is.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, my
goodness. Is this you?
- Ah, yes. My salad days at Yale.
- You were a cheerleader?
Oh, yeah. There's nothing
funny about that.
So was George W. Bush.
Of course, my father and grandfather
were none too thrilled.
Oh. [CLICKS TONGUE]
Parents can be very hard to please.
So, Derek, he was your
best junior accountant?
He was good and trustworthy,
especially important in the
wealth management business.
- Well, now, if there's nothing else
- Hey, you know what?
I need to get my finances in shape.
I just bought an apartment, and I'm
Oh, oh do you guys mind?
I love you both so much,
but this might get a little personal.
We'll be outside.
- Excuse me, Miss
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Uh, it escaped me.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Elsbeth Tascioni.
Elsbet. Oh, Scottish.
No, Elsbeth.
[CHUCKLES]: You should hear me
trying to say the "Hayeseseses house."
Ms. Tascioni, uh, I doubt that you
would benefit from my services
on a police salary.
Oh. Oh, no. I've actually been
a very successful lawyer.
- Oh.
- This police stuff is new.
But it turns out, I am very
good at solving murder cases.
Oh. How lucky.
Well, perhaps if I can find
some times in my schedule,
I'll let you know.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
I need to tend to my daughter.
You're a good dad.
♪
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Well promise you won't forget me.
- How could I?
- [DOOR OPENS]
POPPY: Ashton.
Nora has something to tell you.
- Promise me you won't tell anyone.
- Mm-mm.
- Promise me, Daddy.
- Darling, you can always trust me.
After you all left,
my poor, guilt-ridden Nora confessed
to having an extramarital affair
with that scoundrel, Rob,
the wedding choreographer.
[CHEERING ON VIDEO]
Derek must have figured it out
and gotten so upset that he
- well
- Drove into a pond?
And wouldn't it technically be
premarital, not extramarital,
if it happened before the wedding?
N-Nora told me this in confidence,
but I knew it was too
important not to tell you.
I had no idea.
It's also surprising behavior
from a choreographer.
Except Bob Fosse.
Thank you for bringing this to us.
ASHTON: Any way I can help.
And please say hi to Claudia for us.
♪
Hey!
I guess there are videos.
Guess so.
WAGNER: Well, this affair between
Nora and Rob adds a new focus.
Found it.
The hashtag for the wedding
is #HayHayHayesAndDavis.
Oh, my son Teddy, his friends
have the cutest wedding hashtags.
#MrAndMrConway.
#DougAndDougDoThatWeddingThang.
#LoveIsLove.
#CanWeGetBackToTheCase?
Uh, I would bet money
that Rob is involved.
Jealousy-driven murder.
Does anyone else find it weird
how quickly Ashton brought this to us
after his daughter told
him to keep it secret?
- He seemed like he was enjoying it.
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
- I know
- I like the Rob angle.
- Never trust a dancing man.
WAGNER: Donnelly, dig into
the videos Elsbeth found.
See if we can pinpoint Rob's
location at the time of death.
- I'll follow up on the guest list.
- Ms. Tascioni?
- [LIVELY CHATTER ON VIDEO]
- Wow.
Derek and Nora could've
been on Broadway.
- Ms. Tascioni.
- Yes, sir.
Donnelly takes the lead.
[BOSSA NOVA MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Ah.
You must be my private lesson. [LAUGHS]
- Enchanté.
- Oh, enchantée, Rob. Rob.
Oh.
Whoa!
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
So, is this lesson for something,
or someone, special?
Um, not exactly.
- Oh, whoa, whoa.
- Well, we will make it special.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- That's a FlashRob Studios 100% guarantee.
- [LAUGHS FLIRTATIOUSLY]
- [GASPING SOFTLY]
Okay, actually, I'm here about Derek.
Um, I am working the case,
and I am not police,
but I am not not police.
Sorry, what case?
- Derek drowned.
- Oh. It doesn't appear so.
Didn't Nora tell you?
- You two were so close.
- [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, Nora hasn't returned
my texts since the wedding.
And yes, we were sleeping together,
but it didn't mean anything.
It's a occupational hazard.
I'm currently sleeping
with six dance students
and four brides-to-be.
My dance card's full.
[LAUGHS] That's a
That is almost a pun.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
So, you didn't kill Derek
because you were jealous
and you wanted his life?
Let's see. Would I rather be
married with a nine-to-five job,
or spend my days
dipping different women?
And by "dipping," you mean
- Listen
- Oh.
Derek was my accountant
and sort of friend.
And I felt really guilty
about me and Nora,
and I wanted to come clean,
but, not after what happened
at the bachelor party.
- Why? What happened?
- Well, Derek was acting like a tool
and disappeared for a
private "Capri party"
for, uh, way too long.
He went to Capri?
- That's the exotic dancer's name.
- Oh.
- Oh. Oh
- [CHUCKLES]
It still was a great wedding, though.
Oh, yes, it was.
Your choreography was inspired.
That's my trademark move.
He had it on when he
was doing the dance,
but not when he was
pulled from the pond.
The police dredged the pond,
but they didn't find anything.
Got 30 minutes left. Anything else?
Do you teach the "Hot Honey Rag"?
Officer Blanke.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Everything good?
Everything's great, sir.
I notice you and Elsbeth
are thick as thieves.
- Anything to report?
- Nothing yet.
She invited me out for
a ladies' night tonight.
Not sure what that will entail.
A clown emoji was used. [CHUCKLES]
Interesting.
Well, if there's nothing
you want to share
There's not. Nothing at all, sir.
Huh.
Okay.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you, sir.
[INDISTINCT HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]
KAYA: So, where are the clowns?
I'm sorry, that clown
emoji was just a ruse.
A heads-up would have been nice.
I mean, this is a bit
much for a Tuesday.
I know, but Rob told me that Derek
had a private bachelor party
with a dancer here named Capri.
Captain Wagner didn't sanction this,
so we cannot question her as
police on official business.
- I know, but
- Hi, ladies.
My name's Capri. You asked for me?
Is this a special occasion?
[CLEARS THROAT]
It certainly is.
I am actually engaged to her son Teddy.
And she is the greatest
mom-in-law to be,
and we want to make sure that
he has the best bachelor party,
and you came highly recommended.
And we want to be sure
that nothing bad happens,
and that Teddy stays true to me.
You think you can help us out with that?
- Of course. I do it all the time.
- ELSBETH: Good.
Because we don't want any hiccups.
This little angel here and my son,
- they get anything that they want.
- CAPRI: Aw.
Well, except golf carts.
Oh.
- Did you see the news?
- OMG, that groom was my client.
- No way.
- No way.
Okay
So Derek spilled the beans to Capri
about Ashton's business,
which is understandable.
She is so nice.
And then Capri told Ashton,
which must be what made
him want to kill Derek.
Maybe so, but how did Derek suffocate?
The M.E. still can't find anything.
Yeah. And where is that darn watch?
Oh, and for the record,
- I would love to be your mother-in-law.
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, I'm flattered.
But I don't think I'm Teddy's type.
- Am I right?
- No. Not only 'cause he's gay,
but based on his last few boyfriends,
he doesn't really fall for
kind or honest people.
- Aw.
- Poor Teddy.
Thanks.
But I don't feel so kind
or honest right now.
Captain Wagner called me
into his office for a chat.
I was crawling out of my
skin. I feel so guilty.
I know, but we're gonna
get to the truth soon.
- I hope so.
- In the meantime,
let's give this glorified accountant
a deep, thorough audit.
- Let's audit the hell out of him.
- Okay.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Mr. Hayes.
- What a surprise.
- Ms. Tascioni.
What are you doing here?
Well, I like this club so much
I got a day pass to try it out.
- I'll give you a lift.
- I'm good.
The range is right there.
[TIRES SCREECH]
We'll take the scenic route.
HAYES: Could you slow down, please?
[ELSBETH LAUGHS]
You need to loosen up. This is fun.
Okay, now, this is the
hill he drove down.
Poor Derek.
I wonder what he was
thinking that night.
He clearly wasn't.
Well, I bet we [CLICKS TONGUE]
can figure it out.
So I am gonna take this here beer bottle
and stick it under the brake
Wait.
- And then see what happens.
- Don't Don't
Stop. Stop.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Are you nuts? You could have killed us.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I was in total control.
I tried it five times
before I picked you up,
and each time I did it,
the beer bottle popped
out from under the brake.
So how did it get so stuck that night?
Unless it was jammed
in there on purpose.
But why would Derek do that?
What He was drunk. Who knows?
Right. But Derek didn't even like beer.
He only drank it to please you.
I would appreciate it if you
would work out your theories
without using me as a test dummy.
Oh, you're no dummy.
I could tell that right away.
Now
where is that watch?
- What watch?
- What watch?
The family heirloom you
gave to Derek, silly.
[LAUGHS]
He told Rob all about it.
Oh, Derek was so proud.
Oh, that watch. Mm.
You know, it makes sense
that Rob would bring that up.
He probably stole it.
Oh, you're right. Jealous Rob.
Right, he wanted the girl,
the gold watch and everything.
Well, don't you worry, we won't rest
until we get it back.
Things like that need to stay
in the family, don't you think?
What I think
is I'm driving back.
Oh. Hmm.
This is everything on FlairAll?
NOONAN: Yeah, the
whole kit and caboodle.
I told you there wasn't
much to look into.
A lot of wild accusations.
And listen, um about earlier?
You know how I am before
my coffee kicks in.
I am happy for you, really.
And it's been great working under you.
Thanks, Dave.
A little word to the wise.
Don't let your insecurities
hide your inabilities.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Since I'm not playing golf today,
I will give you ten
minutes to talk shop.
How are your investments?
Great, I think.
I have everything in triple-A
Uh, wait, that's mine.
Sorry, club policy, no bottles.
- That's weird.
- It's proper.
And a rule I strictly enforce as head
of the entertainment committee.
Entertainment committee?
That sounds fun.
But then how did Derek
get the beer bottle
in the golf cart?
Well, I try to enforce the rule,
- but you know how it goes.
- I don't.
With you it seems there
is no try, only do.
Is that Yoda?
Excuse me, Mr. Hayes.
- Elsbeth?
- Ah. Duty calls.
If you do finally get to play golf,
I hope you get a very high score.
Okay, so, I talked to
the manager, Janine.
She's also from Queens,
unlike the members
of this creepy place,
but she did me a favor
and gave me a copy of the
guest list from the wedding.
- Ooh, good job.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you think Janine could
do us another favor?
We so appreciate the tour, Janine.
- Anything for Queens.
- Aw.
Ooh, what's back there?
Perishables and bottled beverages.
Ah.
So, If I wanted something,
could I just sneak back here
- and grab it?
- Oh, no. Staff only.
Club policy and state regulations.
Oh. And is that strictly enforced?
Well, I admit there's a
pushy member or two
whose access to the kitchen
is more flexible.
Sounds like someone we know.
Perishables are labeled,
dated and checked daily.
Ooh, I love all the steam.
It's so good for the skin.
Ooh, puddings.
And cherry. I love cherry.
How does this work?
Oh, I see. It goes in here, and
then bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Pretty fast.
Ooh.
Oh, wait.
- Where are the labels?
- JANINE: Kitchen secret.
Food-grade safe.
It completely dissolves
in water in 30 seconds.
So Derek shared privileged information
with exotic dancer Capri
at his bachelor party.
She told us all about it.
Ladies' night, I take it.
Turns out Capri was
paid by the Hayesese
The Hayesesese
The Hayes family to spy on Derek.
Smart. I wish I'd thought
of that with my ex.
Sorry, this case is
bringing up some stuff.
Aw, but they weren't checking
on his fidelity to Nora.
They only cared about what
he said, not what he did.
ELSBETH: So why would Ashton,
who was so proud of his perfect wedding,
not want any photographs or video?
I didn't buy that whole
Golden Globes line.
Everybody loves the Globes.
- They're so fun and informal.
- Right, right
KAYA: The family said they had
over 300 guests at the wedding,
but the guest list we got
only had 220. Why?
ELSBETH: I zoomed in on the dance video.
And I recognized people
from my Chicago days.
Now these are powerful
people with a lot of secrets.
Derek was too big of a risk.
What about our dancer friend, Rob?
DONNELLY: Rob left early
with one of the bridesmaids.
She texted the group chat:
"Good news, I got Rob-bed."
That's why Nora said her friends "suck."
And why Rob said that Nora
stopped texting him back.
Rob said that?
- When?
- I took a dance lesson.
But just in case people
cut a rug at my party.
I will not be cutting a rug.
Next, the beer bottle.
Club policy doesn't allow
beverage bottles to remain out.
- So how did Derek
- Who didn't like beer.
Or Rob, for argument's
sake, get the bottle?
They didn't. Only staff and pushy
members go in the kitchen,
like when Ashton brought us
- those delicious popovers.
- They were very good.
- Yeah.
- Guess what else was in the kitchen?
Tape?
Just give it a second.
Or 30.
The M.E. couldn't find a physical
reason for Derek's suffocation.
[GASPS]
Because it didn't exist anymore.
See? Dissolving tape.
Ashton expected the tape to
dissolve and Derek to drown.
But he used too much,
so Derek suffocated first.
Disappearing weapons.
- That's great for us.
- Mm-hmm.
This is all good, but not good enough.
We still need hard, physical evidence.
We sure do.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hello?
- Ashton, C.W. Wagner here.
Captain. How can I help you?
This is more about me helping you.
We're focused on finding
that watch you gave Derek.
Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
That watch is key to closing our case.
We know from videos that Derek
had it on prior to his death.
So we're going to dredge the
golf course pond again tomorrow.
If we find it, you get your
precious heirloom back
and the certainty that this
was a tragic accident.
If we don't, we have to
redouble our efforts,
knowing someone else was
involved in Derek's death
and has that watch in his possession.
You mean Rob?
Well, he certainly is
a person of interest.
That's all I can say.
Uh, I see.
I wanted to give you a heads-up so
you can prepare to comfort Nora.
Speak soon.
We're not going to
dredge that pond again.
Of course not.
They're clearly non-members,
lurking there behind the bushes
on the 12th hole near the pond.
I swear one of them had a camera.
I'm sorry. All I can say is they
have permission to be there.
KAYA: Ashton is heading toward his car.
Shoot.
He must have figured out
- the police are watching the pond.
- Mm-hmm.
What's he doing?
[GASPS] That was the watch.
He put it in his pocket.
Well, we know where he's going.
So? We still can't get the
watch out of his pocket.
I have an idea.
[INHALES]
But we have to get there
first. Let me drive.
- Oh, hello.
- Oh. [GASPS]
Uh, what are you doing here?
I'm rehearsing for my
housewarming party.
What are you doing here?
Or better yet, how did you get in here?
Rob gave us the code,
so we could practice,
uh, for Nora's wedding.
And I came by to warn him off Nora.
- Oh.
- Father to choreographer.
I didn't think he'd let me in,
because I'm so mad at him.
Which I'm not, really.
So I used the code.
I'm going to go now.
Oh, please don't go.
I'm still working on my routine,
but I can't do it alone.
- Sorry.
- Oh, please?
You are such a terrific dancer.
I saw you dancing on that video
with Nora and Poppy at the wedding.
I try to move with a certain panache.
And you were probably a really
wonderful cheerleader, too.
- Mm.
- Wow.
That must've felt so free.
Flinging your body around like that.
I bet you haven't had
a chance to do that
in a very long time.
You are oddly persistent, Ms. Tascioni.
And persistently odd.
I know, so
[TURNS MUSIC ON]
dance with me.
Loosen up just this once.
And I'll leave you alone forever.
Yes! Hey, we're gonna do
the Charleston, ready?
And twinkle toes.
Rainbows and twinkle toes.
And rainbows and twinkle toes.
Rainbows. No, you need to loosen up.
[BLABBERING]
Chicken!
[SQUAWKS]
[SQUAWKS, CLUCKING]
[SQUAWKS]
Ooh! I like that. Gwen Verdon.
- Oh, no, this is Gwen Verdon.
- Yeah.
[ELSBETH LAUGHING]
[VOCALIZING]
How about that, huh?
How do you like that, right?
- How about that there, right?
- Yeah, that's good,
but I'm gonna do a cartwheel.
Ms. Tascioni, I'm sorry,
that is not a cartwheel.
- Oh?
- I will show you a cartwheel.
Ah, yes!
Never trust a dancing man.
ELSBETH: We did it!
Take a bow, Mr. Hayes.
KAYA: Better yet, put your
hands behind your back.
You're under arrest.
ELSBETH: It is a nice watch.
Maybe Nora will find
somebody else to give it to.
I hope she does.
But she'll never have a
more beautiful wedding.
♪
Ooh!
My favorite person.
Come meet all my other favorite people.
Oh, wow, this place is so great.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I still don't have a
place to hang these yet.
Well, hold on, I know you said
the B for BYOB was flexible.
Mm.
B for
Oh, B, bee hooks.
- For your tote bags.
- Oh, I love them so much.
- [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.
Um, okay. You mingle
- and I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey.
Hmm.
Hey!
Officer Blanke, hey!
- B for bop.
- All right.
B for babka.
It's from work, they gave me a discount.
We actually met on my bus.
I'm a rapping tour guide and
Elsbeth is, like, my biggest fan.
- That's so nice.
- So what do you do?
Well, I was a paid intern,
but it's actually a crazy story.
You're so
Captain Wagner,
- oh, I am so glad you came.
- Hey. Yeah.
No Claudia?
Unfortunately, she had a board meeting.
But she insisted I come and
give you this on her behalf.
She said you have to keep it cool.
B for
Beluga caviar.
She is all class.
Well, she's missing out.
We have a caricaturist.
Where's the B for booze?
Straight back to the kitchen.
Turns out anyone
[LIVELY CHATTER, LAUGHTER]
Hi!
♪
You've made a lot of friends.
Yeah, you know, when I was
putting together my invitations,
I realized a lot of the people
I became friends with
turned out to be murderers.
- Guess you never know.
- Yeah.
This place is great.
It's good bones.
It's gonna be even
greater with your help.
- Mm.
- Oh, and look at this.
KAYA: I thought you wanted to
be a New Yorker with a view?
This is a view of New Yorkers.
- Aren't they fascinating?
- [LAUGHS]
[PHONE BUZZING]
Don't answer that.
I know it's Celetano on the line.
I always prided myself
on having a good gauge
of people I could trust.
And now
- I'm not so sure.
- Well, it can be hard.
I try to remember to listen to my gut.
And my heart.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I think Lieutenant Noonan
is doing things behind
my back in my name.
Well, I'll be honest with you.
That is not good for you.
25 years, and I thought
he was on my side.
Now, tell me, since we're being honest,
whose side are you on, Elsbeth Tascioni?