Evening Shade s01e07 Episode Script

It's high noon in Evening Shade.
At last night's game, Coach Wood Newton not only lost another football game but fell backwards over a bench trying to protect one of his boys who'd run out of bounds.
He probably won't wear the sling on his arm very long, but for right now, he's getting a nice bit of sympathy from Ava.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Those boys ought to be glad they got Wood for a coach.
No matter how bad they get beat, he always makes sure they hold their heads up high and maintain their self-respect.
Oh, by the way, after we saw that game last Friday night, Merleen decided to start up a little charity for you all.
For what? Well, it's not actually for you; it's for the cheerleaders.
She thinks they need more uniforms.
Oh, so do I.
That's a good idea.
Give the crowd something interesting to look at.
The skimpier, the better.
Yeah.
I was thinking along the lines of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Funny thing about those, uh, costumes.
Hmm? The smaller they are, the more expensive they are.
Why is that? I don't know.
I think it should be the other way around.
Yeah.
It's okay, though.
You know, I get a kick out of these charity things.
I feel like dressing up like Stonewall Jackson and pulling my miniature cannon all over town, just like I did with the Cancer Society.
Can I ask you a question? Uh-huh.
You're such a good doctor, why don't you have any dignity? I don't know.
Why is it that you have so much dignity and you lose all those games? You guys.
Merleen said you're auctioning off prizes.
Yeah.
Folks are real generous about donating stuff.
Yeah, here's a list of 'em right here.
Um, let me see.
Oh, look, Ponder's donating six free dinners.
Mm.
Harlan's donating a complete physical exam.
Well, not really complete.
You know, there's a couple of those procedures I don't like to do unless I get paid.
Now, how about you, Wood? Hmm? You want to give away something? I don't know.
Every Friday night for the rest of my life.
No, come on, let's think of something.
No, he just had a good idea.
What? We could auction off a a weekend with Wood Newton.
Well, after all, you are the closest thing we have to a celebrity around here.
No, no, no.
I live for the weekends the weekend is when I get to be with Ava and the kids.
Yeah.
Ah, don't be stingy.
You said yourself it was for a good cause.
I know, but can't we think of something else? I mean, this is our only time to be together.
While you think of something else, I'm gonna put it down here on the list.
Yeah, that's a weekend with Coach Wood Newton, right after six months of free pumping and removal from Dave's Septic Tank Service.
Don't be disappointed if nobody bids on it, because, you know, who wants to spend the weekend with a guy with, you know, with his arm in a sling and taking a nap? I do! Hey, Coach! Hey, buddy, how you holding up? You didn't have to come over here, Herman.
Oh, I figured I'd better stay pretty close, seeing how's I'm next in line of succession.
Oh, um, listen, I think I made a little mistake last month when I was ordering the locker room supplies.
Mm-hmm? Consequently, your office is filled up with about 36 cases of jock-itch powder.
Well, that's good.
None of my boys will be scratching in public.
See you later, baby.
Okay.
And if I hadn't confiscated this, those boys would've burned it right in front of the school.
Looks just like Herman.
Ah, you don't have anything to worry about, Margaret.
Rival teams have been burning coaches in effigy ever since I can remember.
It was our team.
I'm telling you, we gotta do something about this Herman Stiles situation before it gets completely out of hand.
Well, as I see it, we really don't have a Herman Stiles situation.
I doubt you can see anything with all this jock-itch powder stacked everywhere.
Just take my word for it.
Everybody is fed up with him.
And by the way, the referees want him to stop doing that cheer every time they call a penalty.
What cheer? "Elevator, elevator, we got the shaft.
" I'll talk to him.
Well, talk is cheap.
Now, I think you need to take some decisive action and I know what it should be.
I talked to Bud Freeman.
His son George is moving back to town.
Used to play semi-pro football down in Texas.
Well, Bud thinks George might be interested in doing a little assistant coaching for you.
Are you saying I should, I should fire Herman? Well, that's what Vince Lombardi would've done.
I just read his autobiography, Winning is the Only Thing.
I think you should read it, too.
You might learn something.
Remember when you asked me to hire him, Margaret? You said Herman didn't know anything about shop, and then after he taught it for a while, he, he got real good at it.
Remember when you told me that? I lied.
Oh.
Well, at the time, he was the only one who was willing to be the assistant coach, so I said what I had to, but now that George Freeman's moving back to town, it's a whole new ball game.
Hey, Coach! There's something I got to talk to you about! Hey! What is that? Some kind of new tackling dummy? Margaret took that away from a couple a guys.
I'm afraid they were gonna burn it in effigy.
Well, I don't know why.
It don't look a thing like you.
Matter of fact, it's kind of stupid looking.
It's supposed to be you.
What? Well, hot dog! When the opposing team starts burning you in effigy, it's a pretty good sign you got em on the run, ain't it, Coach? Yes.
Now, uh, what was it that you wanted, Herman? Oh, yeah.
Listen.
Hey, I got this great idea.
I've been reading this library book on the subject of hypnosis.
Oh, Lord.
Give me strength.
Well, I was gonna check out that autobiography of Vince Lombardi, but a certain somebody beat me to it.
Anyway, this idea, it's gonna be great for the team, Coach.
You see, we get all the boys to paint spirals on their helmets, just like this one.
Then, when we're down in the line and we're facing the other team, we get the boys to go like this.
It'll probably disorient them just enough to give us the edge that we need.
What do you think? Coach? I don't know what to think.
Think about what I said.
Come on, honey, you ready for breakfast? I know you're in there.
There's plenty of time for that later.
Come on! It's Saturday.
We promised the kids we'd help them with their projects.
Molly's got this science thing, and we've got to make a plaster cast of Will's face.
You're a little devil.
I promise you Ooh later.
You better come eat some pancakes, 'cause you're gonna need your strength.
Ha-ha-ho! Well, you say it first.
Okay, we'll say it at the same time.
Ready? One, two, three.
Good morning.
Good-bye.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Morning.
I'm painting.
Hi, baby.
Who's he talking to? Jennifer.
I love you, too.
I thought he broke up with Jennifer.
He did, but then she lost her mind again.
It happened last week.
Oh, God! What are you doing here? I'm looking for some cinnamon for Will's toast.
No, I don't I don't see you till Monday.
This is Saturday.
Well, I was the high bidder in that charity auction's "Weekend with Wood Newton" Yay! Yeah.
Did you know about this? No.
Oh, no, no.
I asked Miss Eldridge not to say anything about it.
I wanted it to be a secret.
Thought it'd make a real nice surprise.
I mean, just think of it, Coach.
You and me gonna get to spend some time together to cement our relationship, but away from the rough and tumble of the gridiron.
How could you do this to me, Herman? I mean, I'm We're together every day during the week, all day long.
I mean, you should you should bid on something more practical.
You know, like having your septic tank cleaned.
Are you kidding me? Having you for my mentor has meant so much for my professional life.
I decided why not go the whole hog and see what it'd do for my personal life as well? I mean, I may not have met the right girl yet, but, I mean, one of these days there's gonna be a Mrs.
Stiles and a bunch of little Stileses.
I figured y'all would make the perfect role model for me to study.
Ooh, that is so sweet.
I'll take Will his toast.
Oh, thanks.
Okay, Will, buddy, here you go.
Mr.
Stiles, did you find the cinnamon? Close to it.
Ew! What is this stuff? It tastes like pizza.
It's oregano.
I wanted cinnamon toast, not oregano toast.
Well, have you ever tried oregano toast? I have now, and I hate it.
Have you ever had it? Well, no, I can't say that I have, but, you know, I have this personal philosophy.
You just dive right on off into things, whether you know anything about 'em or not.
It's gotten me where I am today.
That's true.
You want to step over here a minute? I want to talk to you.
Oh, sure.
See you in a minute, Will.
I've got the cinnamon.
Thank you.
Okay.
Herman, Saturday is-is a it's a real special day for me.
I- I get to do projects with the kids, and, you know, the weekend is like the only time I get to really be alone with Ava, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I got you.
Yeah.
So, you understand.
You, you know, you just go on home.
Oh, now, listen, if you're worried about me getting' bored, just stop it.
This is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to get in on.
It's what I spent my money for.
Good.
Would you step down here for a second? Huh? You see, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.
Hmm? Things seem to be getting kind of hot and heavy between Taylor and that Jennifer girl.
If you decide you're gonna have a little man-to-man talk with him to explain the facts of life, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me sit in on it and take a few notes.
I mean, I seem to remember Fred MacMurray doing something like that with one of the kids in Son of Flubber.
I can't remember exactly what he said, though.
Act natural.
You know, this portrays you as a man of surprising depth.
What? I would have had you figured as somebody who'd start off with the sports page.
No.
Oh, don't fall apart when I start reading the funnies.
Oh, no, do whatever comes natural.
I gotta go upstairs for a little while.
Herman, you want some toast and coffee? Oh, no thanks.
I'm just gonna tag along with the Coach.
It's a euphemism.
You know, I don't really See, I I gotta see a man about a horse.
Oh.
Got you.
Coach.
You'll be needing your paper.
Thank you.
I can't wait to see you either.
I know.
It's only four hours and 23 minutes away.
Hi! Could I talk to you for just a few minutes when you get off the phone? What? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, can you call me back in a couple of minutes? Okay.
Bye.
Oh, good.
Now, listen, son.
I can't presume to talk to you man-to-man.
That's your daddy's job.
Would you mind if we spend a few minutes speaking assistant- coach-to-player? Well, sure.
You know something? I think you should be real careful about getting involved with girls during the football season.
It's a well-known fact that women will sap your strength.
Well, how do they do that? I don't know.
Well, I mean, fortunately, it's never happened to me personally.
But I know that boxers, right before that big fight, they always go off into the mountains, just as far away from women as they can possibly get.
There must be a darn good reason for it, 'cause those mountain cabins are expensive.
I'll get it.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Jennifer.
This is Assistant Coach Herman Stiles.
No.
Taylor can't talk right now.
He's in a football conference.
A football conference? Here.
Let me talk to her.
I'll smooth it out for you, okay? Mr.
Stiles You know, it's just a stroke of luck that you should call right now.
Jennifer, I don't know, but do you realize that, before you and Taylor started going out, he scored three touchdowns? And since the two of you have been seeing each other, he hasn't scored any at all.
Well, hey, that's not her fault.
Now, I've been spending some time in the boy's household, and I can attest to the fact he's got a stable diet, a supportive family, which would leave me to conclude that the deciding factor in his slump must be you.
You're No, honey, you're sapping his strength.
Hey, let me talk to her.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Oh, no.
Now, listen, I know you didn't mean to do it.
But, now, listen.
I think you'd be doing your patriotic duty to your high school if you'd just stop seeing or calling Taylor until the football season's over.
What?! Yes, I'd be happy to tell him that tonight's date's off.
No! Oh, yeah.
And listen.
It would be a good idea if you just took your phone off the hook.
Jennifer! No.
Listen.
I appreciate your cooperation.
Jennifer! Bye-bye.
No! Well, that solves that problem.
You know, she took the news real well.
Oh, my! You scared me out of a year's growth.
The South shall rise again! Well, I hope nobody saw you come in the house.
You're just jealous 'cause you don't have a uniform.
If you'd like a uniform, I know the lady who does costumes for the theater group at the Methodist Church.
No.
That won't be necessary.
What do you want, anyway? Well, we still need some more money for the cheerleaders' uniforms, so I'm bringing out the big guns.
I thought maybe you'd walk around uptown with me, and every time somebody makes a donation, we'd fire off Big Bertha here.
I don't want to go downtown with you, okay? I can't anyway, even if I wanted to, because I gotta spend the day with Herman, which I think you arranged.
Oh, now, listen.
Don't mind me.
If that's what you'd normally be doing, you go right ahead.
I'm not doing anything today that would be normal.
Doggone it! There goes my beeper.
Patsy Holloway must be in labor.
I gotta hurry.
You mind if I leave Bertha here? Just remember where you left her.
Okay? Thank you.
I'll see you later.
You know, I knew things were going to turn out this way.
It certainly is more interesting than playing Ping-Pong at the "Y.
" Daddy? Daddy? Hmm? Could we work on my miniature volcano now? Sure.
I think so.
Oh, listen, Coach, would you mind if I helped Molly out with her science project? You know, I've been wanting to spread my wings a little bit and see if I got that Wood Newton touch.
Besides, it'd give you a little time to spend with your wife.
I know the two of you like to make out every opportunity you get.
Uh uh this is her project.
It's up to her.
Are you good at science? Are you kidding me? Spent my whole childhood locked in the basement, trying to figure out the perfect stink bomb.
Okay.
Don't you worry about a thing, Coach.
By this evening, you're going to be saying, "Herman Stiles is Mr.
In Control.
" Well, I'll I'll go see if Ava wants to make out.
We can do it here on the table.
Okay.
Help, Mom! Mom! Mom! I don't want a mask anymore.
You're hurting my face! Oh! Oh! We just got back together! Hold it! Hold it.
Hold it.
I know this has been the worst day of your life.
I'm sorry.
He ruined my volcano! I'll buy you another one.
I'm sorry.
He tried to break my face.
Well, the man is totally and utterly incompetent.
What's he doing now? Last time I saw him, he was vacuuming around Dr.
Eldridge's cannon.
Well, I hope that Bud Freeman's son is ready to do a little coaching for me.
Does that mean you're going to fire Herman? I'm going to fire Herman.
Wood, don't you think you're being a little hasty? I mean, Herman's got such a good heart.
He's like an imaginary friend.
Wood, I know he's driven us all crazy, but that's no reason to fire him.
I really think that you should think about this.
Get him out of my house! Heck of a recoil on that thing, isn't it? Herman, we have to talk.
I don't think you understand the effect that you've had on my entire family since you've been here.
Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about, Coach.
I don't think you have any idea of the effect being your assistant has had on my entire life.
I mean, I don't know whether you realize it or not, but, you know, I never have gotten very much respect from people.
Even my own daddy used to say I looked like something that was sent for and never came.
I don't know, though.
Ever since I became your assistant coach, when I walk down the street, people look at me and they say, "There goes Assistant Coach Herman Stiles.
" It makes me feel real proud.
Did I ever tell you what I was going to do with my $400 salary? Help us fix the wall? Oh, that's nothing.
I used to teach shop.
I'm real good at drywall and paneling.
Actually, I was I was going to buy a plane ticket for my daddy.
I haven't seen him in a long time.
You know something? It's going to tickle him pink to see me out there on that field.
It's going to tickle him so much, as a matter of fact, it's not going to matter whether we win or lose.
You know something? Buying this day with you and your wife and your kids was about the best money I ever spent in my entire life.
Yoo-hoo! Coach Newton? Yes? Uh, I would have knocked, but your door is open.
It's a long story.
What do you want, Margaret? Oh, hi, Miss Fouch.
Mr.
Stiles, I'm sorry to mention this in front of you, but we might as well get it out in the open.
I talked to George Freeman, and he's real interested in working for you as assistant coach, but he's got another offer from County High, too, so you're going to have to decide what you want to do.
What are y'all talking about? Oh, Margaret was remarking the other day how incredible it is that we can hang on to you, you know, when we just pay you $400 a year, but, uh Herman and I were were were were discussing this, and and he wants to stay, and I'd like him to stay.
Yeah, he has a unique perspective on the game of football.
In fact, I've never seen anything quite like it.
So I want him to stay.
Is that your decision? Yes, it is.
Well, now that it's been mentioned, I could use a raise.
Still working? Mm.
I'm going to figure out a way to sneak this cannon in on one of the plays.
That ought to be my theme song: "The Man Who Could Have Fired Herman Stiles and Didn't.
" Well, you have a history of doing crazy things.
Uh-huh.
Like marrying See? Some of the best stuff in life doesn't happen unless somebody goes crazy.
Hm.
Want to do something crazy right here? Ooh, I like that.
I'll get the lights.
You know, that was a big sacrifice you made, not firing Herman.
It gave the kids something to think about.
I guess that's why you're my favorite crazy man around.
Wood? Wood? Well, maybe the lesson for the Newton family regarding Herman is that if there is no solution, there's no problem.
So, once again, a warm, friendly feeling moves in on a place called Evening Shade.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.