Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Okay. This bill mandates that all locker
rooms contain naked, talkative old men.
Oh. This one's
an executive order requiring
dubstep always be played at full volume.
Oh, this renews our lease agreement
with SeaWorld.
You see, Hell's become so overcrowded
we started outsourcing
our extra souls there.
Put them into the bodies of marine life.
Enough! Why were you cavorting
with the cherubs yesterday?
What? Why, I have no idea that
[growling, roaring]
Okay! Okay!
The truth is, since you've been away,
the boards of Heaven and Hell
have been negotiating a, well, a merger.
A merger with Heaven?
I can see Hell merging
with the Kardashians
or the Dallas Cowboys,
but Heaven is our direct competition.
Heaven's numbers are down,
so Hell is becoming totally overcrowded.
We have a short list of CEO candidates.
Father Time, Dracula,
and there's this Kraken
we've had our eye on.
Listen to me. You tell the board
that my name is also going on that list,
or I'll turn your pelvis
into a pasta strainer. Understand?
Actually, there is a way
for you to get on the board's good side.
We're having issues at SeaWorld.
Some of the more challenging souls
are creating problems there.
So, if you were to go there
and convince them
to quit destroying the place,
well, that'd give you a leg up
on the competition.
I don't know, Slagnar.
Getting people to listen to me
isn't really my strong suit,
but I guess I could Whoa. Whoa!
Oops. Sorry.
The wifey must've slipped that in there
as a little treat for the old man.
[theme music playing]
Om.
Om.
Your online troll nemesis
finally broke your brain, huh?
Nope, I've just decided
to spend less time online.
Here in real life,
my troll has no access
to the fun happy upstairs fortress.
- That's what I call my brain now.
- This just came for you.
[Travis] Ugh!
"Horky Porker."
"You're dead meat."
"You can leave the internet,
but you can't hide from me."
"boobwizard420".
I've been doxxed!
[sighing]
[Abbie] Oh. That's it. Right there.
[both grunting]
[sighing]
What's going on?
Abbie slipped a disc getting a python out
of a soft serve machine,
and no, that's not slang
for intercourse with Marv.
That's way better. Hmm.
- Thanks, Godcat.
- My pleasure.
Let me know
if you need help with your hair,
or the bags under your eyes.
We're all thinking it, Frumple-stiltskin.
[panting]
Abbie! Cats! Guess what?
Last year, Herb commissioned
the world's bulkiest luxury blimp,
and tonight he's christening it
with a soirée in the sky.
And since I'm the new GM,
we get to go, Abbie.
It's Saturday. On Saturdays,
you go to the Game Café all day,
and I curl up
with an edible and watch Hereditary.
Well, normally I'd never ask you,
but all the execs
are bringing their spouses.
I really need you there.
Tell you what, if I go to your work thing,
then you have to come
to my Animal Control holiday party.
We lost our Santa guy to a bobcat,
and you're about the same size.
Deal. Thanks, hon.
Hmm. The invite says black tie.
Ah, we better go air out my dress Crocs.
What's up with the notes?
Oh. I have to make an appearance
for some Hell-folk here on Earth.
I'm having trouble with my speech.
It's kind of motivational,
and that's not really my wheelhouse.
If you want, I can go with you.
I'm great at motivating people
to do stuff.
Uh, it wouldn't really be appropriate
for you to come.
Oh, come on, I'm in a helping mood.
Here. What about this as an opener?
"Hey, who here is from out of town?"
Damn, that's actually really good.
All right. Maybe it would be nice
to have you there to help me.
Great. So where are we going?
[both screaming]
[gasping]
Human souls trapped inside of dolphins,
trapped inside of glass boxes.
That's horrific, even for Hell.
If you think that's evil,
check out the food court.
The options are clam chowder
or Sbarro Pizza.
[groans]
Okay, let's see who's who.
So that pod of dolphins
were once Mongolian warlords.
See the sea lions over there?
Manson family.
And drumroll, please.
Christopher Columbus!
[guitar strums]
My bosses asked me to come here
and scare them straight
before they destroy the place.
[man shouting]
[dramatic music playing]
[man screams]
[screaming] Let's just get out of here.
These guys aren't gonna
listen to me anyhow.
No. You came here to do a job.
You've got this. Come on, I'll help you.
[violin music playing]
- Marv, my boy, you made it.
- Ooh!
This must be the wife. Abbie, right?
Oh, uh, Marv, come meet the bigwigs.
This is our CFO, CTO,
oh, and this is Richard, our CHO.
That's Chief Hair Officer.
Every exec gets access to him.
He's our private hair coach.
Call me when you're ready
to let that tiger out of the cage, huh?
[snarling]
Marv's a total savant.
Once we had an expired shipment
of Sriracha aioli due for inspection.
Marv took one for the team
and drank every last bottle.
- [gulping]
- [Herb] Saved our asses.
Ha. And demolished mine.
I had six colonoscopies after that.
- [all laughing]
- Ha! Whoo!
[smacks back]
Herb, any chance we could land this thing
at the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings
and let me off?
[chuckling] Oh, I get it, Abbie.
You don't wanna sit here
and listen to us windbags, do you?
You'd have more fun
on the Lido Deck with the other wifeys.
Roxanne. Roxy.
Roxy, this is Abbie. I want you
to take extra special care of her.
Sure thing, darling.
Come on, Abbie.
[Abbie] Hmph!
Hmm?
Sure, Roxy. I'm so excited
to be spending my Saturday night
in a floating prison for wives.
[Greta] Okay, let's catch this doxxer.
Hmm. Manual emoticon,
outdated colloquialisms.
No one says "homie" anymore.
Reads like a Boomer.
Let's check their IP address.
Argh!
Oh, careful. Aidan wipes his boogers
behind the monitor
when he thinks I'm not looking.
[chuckling]
[computer beeping]
[theme of Stranger Things playing]
- [keyboard clacking]
- [slurping]
[music ends]
Now can we just Goorgl it?
Ugh, fine. Kids nowadays
wanna do everything the easy way.
[keys clacking]
Hi, I'm Dr. Ace Fabian,
breast augmentation specialist
and Horkville's most affordable
plastic surgeon, three years running.
That's why they call me "the wizard."
More like "the boob wizard."
[theme of Stranger Things playing]
Welcome to the Spouse Zone. Originally,
we were going to call it the Wife Hole,
but there's a club in Germany
that owns that domain name.
- We have CrossFit, ceramics.
- [grunting]
There's even an area where you
can practice yelling at your gardener.
Benji, if the rabbits eat the poppies,
what's the sense in planting them?
A crossbow range?
Wow, this place is cooler than I expected.
Of course!
What did you think we were gonna do?
Spend quality time
with the people we married?
[all laughing]
So what should we do?
Whatever you want. It's Abbie time!
[seals barking]
Now, remember, big smile,
lots of eye contact,
friendly but terrifying.
Think Rachel Ray with a hint of Putin.
- [mic feedback]
- [Devilcat] Mmm.
Uh, hello. For those of you
who don't know me, I'm Beelzebub,
CEO of Hell.
But don't worry, I'm not here to bug you
about your time cards.
- [snarling]
- [chuckles] I do have a request.
It seems we've had complaints
that you've been
just a scooch out of line,
and as your supreme leader,
I must have to ask you all
to please behave?
- Okay.
- Yeah. We'll do that.
[all laughing, moaning]
You can't keep us trapped in here.
You can't just ask them
to change their behavior,
you have to motivate them to do it.
Here, watch.
"Trapped."
That's an interesting choice of words Um
Larry. It's Larry.
Larry, I'm gonna level with you, Larry.
I'm a little trapped myself.
I may look like a cat,
but I'm actually God trapped in this body.
[all laughing]
It's true.
Heaven sent me here as punishment.
Oh, if you could've seen me before
Washboard abs, swollen pecs,
buns that refused to quit.
But now I'm
basically a mitten with an anus.
So tell me,
what did you do to end up here, Larry?
I robbed a bunch of banks.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- And why'd you do that?
- Because that's where they keep the money.
Ooh. [laughing]
[somber music playing]
I guess the trouble started
right after my dad died. But [sniffles]
Sorry.
Ran with the wrong crowd.
Started shopping at Hobby Lobby.
One thing led to another, and, uh,
well, here we are.
And here we are.
But maybe we aren't trapped.
Maybe our situation is what we make of it.
Everyone, give it up for Larry.
[all cheering, clapping]
[music brightens]
[music ends]
Okay, fun happy upstairs fortress,
save these images
for fun happy downstairs fortress.
Now remember, for the next week,
point your breasts
away from open flames or loud noises.
Hello. My, what beautiful children
you could be at a reasonable price.
Dr. Fabian,
we're conducting an investigation,
and we have a few questions for you.
Where were you this morning?
Oh. This morning. Well, let's see.
Calf implant, nipple-graft,
deposition, deposition.
Then I was in surgery,
elbow deep in some juicy honkers!
- Ooh.
- [both groan]
[Herb] So tell me
about your home life, Marv.
Do you spend much time
with your loved ones?
Oh sure. I see the crew at the Gaming Café
about five nights a week.
[chuckling] Gaming Caf
No, I mean your family.
Oh. [laughing] Them!
Yeah, we're always walking
past each other in the house,
asking each other
if the dishwasher is clean or dirty.
Yeah, they're great.
I wish I'd had a family,
but my only children
are "good value" and "fair price."
Hey, what do you say
we check out the Hindenherb amenities?
["Blimpy Boy" by Superfriends playing]
- You don't have to cry anymore ♪
- Ooh!
Your friends are all here
The dog is too ♪
- Now we're all just waiting for you ♪
- [grunting] Ooh!
- [grunting]
- Hey there, blimpy boy ♪
- You don't have to cry anymore ♪
- Mm-hmm.
Your friends are all here
The dog is too ♪
Now we're all just waiting for you ♪
Today has been so much fun, Herb.
"Herb." Ooh. Feels so cold and formal,
doesn't it?
I've always thought of you like a son.
Why don't you try calling me
Dad?
Wow, really?
My father never let me call him Dad.
I I called him Mr. Higgins,
and he called me Git! [chuckles]
But what the heck? Okay, Dad!
- [laughing]
- [gasping]
Okay, son. Oh, that feels good to say.
I've never had a son before. Mmm!
This is nuts, but what if I adopted you?
[gasps] No. No. We shouldn't.
What would everyone say?
You're right! To hell with them!
Whoa! Are we doing this?
Okay, let's do it!
Let's make it official, son.
Um
[Roxy] On guard!
[both grunting]
[Roxy] Parlay!
Wow! That was so fun!
Thanks. When Richard started working
eighty hours a week,
I joined a fencing class.
The marriage may be dull,
but my blade skills are sharper than ever.
If he works eighty hours a week,
when do you see him?
Never. It's great! [laughing]
Oh, I get it.
You and Marv are one of those couples
who "do things" together.
No. Well, yes, when we first met,
but over time Marv got more
into his board games,
and I got more into my blood sports,
and I guess we've drifted apart a little.
But it's not like I never want to see him.
Oh. You say that now,
but wait till you have your first affair.
Wait. My first affair?
Bit of advice,
for your first affair, try a himbo.
They're like a Ken doll,
but with all the parts.
I can't live my life like this,
never knowing who the troll is.
Look. If we can't compare
Fabian's IP address to the troll,
we can see if they're on the same network.
[computer chimes]
[mouse clicking]
[keys clacking]
Travis, look!
It isn't just the same network.
It's a perfect match.
What? That doesn't make any sense.
- [sloshing]
- Ugh!
- [theme of Stranger Things playing]
- [both gasping]
Okay, say it with me.
Today is the
[all] First day of the rest of my life.
And I'm not going to
[all] Eat any of the human employees
or use their entrails like pool toys.
Entrails like pool toys!
[all cheering]
Wow, you are I Thank you.
God, can we get a picture with you?
Sure. I'll do something really godly like
Have you ever seen a dolphin walk?
Luscious porpoise!
[magical tone]
[dolphin clicking]
Wow! Amazing!
[camera clicking]
[dramatic music playing]
Yeah. [grunts]
[alarm blaring]
So Um [sighs]
who's up for some Sbarro Pizza?
Herbert Hamburglar Bulkington,
do you take this adult male
as your lawfully adopted son?
To have and to hold,
nothing creepy, till death do you part?
I
[sighs, sniffles]
I do.
Marvelous Higgins, do you take Herb
to be your lawfully adopted father?
To have and to hold,
again, strictly father-son stuff,
for however long?
I do too.
I now pronounce you father and son.
[all cheering, clapping]
Mwah!
Oh, hey, hon. What are you doing up here?
I just kind of started to miss you and
What's with the getup?
You look like Tom Cruise
when he takes his toupee off.
Good news. Herb and I made it official.
He adopted me.
He what?
Oh, don't worry.
You have a full year to send us a gift.
- [explosion]
- [people screaming]
Damn it!
I knew they built the Auntie Anne's
too close to the fuel tanks!
Quick, everyone to the escape parachutes!
[screaming continues]
[string quartet playing]
Never mind about me.
You two go now.
No, Daddy! I'm not leaving you behind!
Marv, we're crashing.
Unless you wanna be cremated
inside a Bubba Gump Shrimp,
we have to leave. Now! [grunting]
[suspenseful music playing]
- [exploding]
- [yelling]
No! I can't leave without Papa!
- [grunts]
- [exploding]
[dramatic music playing]
[boy screaming]
[people screaming]
- Well, this isn't a good look.
- All right, new plan.
We leave immediately
and never mention we were here.
- [Godcat grunting]
- No.
I'm getting them to go back.
[in demonic voice]
Catious buildious bigger evilous me!
- [roaring]
- [thunder rumbling]
You will do as I command,
or your souls will anguish.
Threaten us all you want.
Nothing is worse than SeaWorld!
No? What about
SeaWorld: Cincinnati!
[thunder rumbles]
Or perhaps SeaWorld: St. Louis.
Shall I keep naming landlocked cities?
SeaWorld can get so much worse!
[thunder rumbles]
I would rather die than go back
to that hot box of walrus farts.
[dramatic music plays]
[perilous music playing]
[roaring]
Oops! [grunts]
[thunder rumbling]
So long, suckers!
- [grunting]
- [triumphant music playing]
Oh, no!
[growling]
Uh You know, come to think of it,
I kinda like walrus farts.
It's an acquired smell.
[doorbell ringing]
Hey! 'Sup?
Aidan, do you know a plastic surgeon
by the name of Dr. Fabian?
Yes, Step-Dad Keith took me to
the racetrack to be his designated driver,
and a horse bit my ear off.
Dr. Funbags reattached it. Why?
Aidan, the jig is up.
We discovered your secret
boogery troll lair at Dr. Fabian's office.
Uh Pfft!
Dude, get a load of your sister
mansplaining me.
You don't believe that trash, do you?
Like I'm the only guy
around here with boogers.
Aidan, tell me the truth.
Are you boobwizard420?
Okay, fine.
Yes.
Wait, what?!
You are? But why?
You were being all, "I'm a big deal
with my unboxing stuff" and whatever.
- It was a prank, Dude. Chill.
- Chill?
You trolled me endlessly online
while pretending to be my friend.
And you want me to chill?
I never wanna see your stupid face again!
Greta, let's go. Now!
[crying] Oh.
You know,
from his troubling Mountain Dew intake
and his history of bunk bed concussions,
Aidan almost certainly will die
before you.
Thanks.
Oh! [crying]
No! No. No. No! [grunting]
[soft music playing]
There! Look.
There he is. Father!
No!
[somber music playing]
He's gone! He's gone!
It should've been me.
I should've been the one to explode
in the air into perm confetti. [sobs]
And now, we've got to walk
all the way to the car?
Could this day get any worse?
You know, I sometimes forget
that beneath your little cat body,
you're actually a force
to be reckoned with. You're amazing.
Aw, thanks. Same to you. You're like
if Tony Robbins had a baby with Gandalf.
Oh, Beelzebub. [chuckles]
Looks like I got your voicemail.
Excellent work today.
I spoke with Aslandeus and Craig
on your behalf and they were thrilled.
- [turns down volume]
- Uh. Mike, I'm on the phone.
[inhales deeply, blows]
Aslandeus and Craig?
Why would someone put in a good word
for you with my cherubs from my Heaven?
Okay. Uh You'll find out soon enough.
Heaven and Hell are merging,
and well, I'm up for CEO of the new firm.
SeaWorld was their first joint venture
and they said if I helped out,
it'd give me a leg up.
[gasping]
I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you but
But then you decided to betray me instead,
by asking me to come here and help you
with the very project
that would win you the job
and cost me my own.
How?
How could you?!
Boy
[muttering]
Hey! I'm evil!
Forgetting that was your first mistake.
- [perilous music playing]
- I am
[music fades]
Evil.
[soft guitar music playing]
[people crying]
He was a Titan of Industry,
and his legacy lives on
through bargain hunters,
doomsday preppers, and we,
who roam the hallowed aisles of Big Bulk.
[sniffling, crying]
Lovely remarks, Mr. Higgins.
We're Mr. Bulkington's attorneys.
Might we have a word in private?
Mr. Higgins, as Herb's legally adopted son
and sole heir,
we're here to inform you
that you are the new owner of Big Bulk
and its subsidiaries.
He's left it all to you, Marv.
[whimpers]
["Walkin' On the Sun"
by Smash Mouth playing]
I'd like to buy the world a toke ♪
And teach the world
To sing in perfect harmony ♪
And teach the world
To snuff the fires and the liars ♪
Hey, I know it's just a song
But it's spice for the recipe ♪
This is a love attack
I know it went out, but it's back ♪
It's just like any fad
It retracts before impact ♪
And just like fashion it's a passion
For the with-it and hip ♪
If you got the goods
They'll come and buy it ♪
Just to stay in the clique ♪
So don't delay, act now
Supplies are running out ♪
Allow if you're still alive
Six to eight years to arrive ♪
And if you follow
There may be a tomorrow ♪
But if the offer's shunned ♪
You might as well
Be walking on the Sun ♪
[song ends]