Fairfax (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

♪
Yeah ♪
Uh, uh ♪
- Abracadabra ♪
- Abracadabra ♪
Making it happen,
making it happen ♪
Abracadabra, I got the magic ♪
I got the magic, abracadabra ♪
Making it happen ♪
I got the magic,
I got the magic ♪
That's why their casket ♪
Looking so tragic,
I got the magic ♪♪
[Hiroki cackles]
They're totally going to shit
their Latrine joggers.
Who is, Lord Hiroki?
[Hiroki] The world.
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪♪
[alarm rings]
[both yawn]
[Benny grunts]
[grunts]
Mom, come on.
They complete the fit!
[speaking Korean]
My outfit needs it more!
We're late for church!
- Coming!
- Coming!
[engine idling]
Why do I always have
to sit bitch?
Because window seats
are for "A" students.
Right, Mom?
- Mm-hmm.
- Gah.
- [bullhorn whines]
- Okay. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but welcome to the first day
of Untitled Shit Project.
- [chuckles] Oh, yeah!
- Yo! Dawg!
Big ups to the gods Spike, Ava
and iCarly for the inspiraysh.
Also, special thanks
to Principal Weston
for financing
this little passion project.
Crafty's on me, y'all!
Okay, let's get to it!
Are my actors in place?
- In place!
- [fart sound]
So proud of you, Tru!
All right. Scene one, take one.
[sucks air through teeth]
And action!
[Yung Polluter song playing]
[singing along] 'Ey, yo,
the world is a dumpster ♪
Your bitch,
she's a plumpster ♪♪
No more rap.
It has foul language.
BFD, Mom.
Exactly. Today is the memorial
for church member
Byung-Soo F. Dam.
[Benny] Wait, what?
I'm performing at the memorial?
I told you a thousand times.
It's always in one ear,
out the other with you.
Ugh! Why do we have to make
such a BFD out of BFD?
You playing
in front of the church
is the biggest BFD.
All eyes will be on our family.
Everyone needs to be
on their best behavior.
We are absolute ♪
[rapping in Korean]
Uh, walking like model
Oh, my God, it's Jay
and the J.Crew Crew.
So hot.
I heard he got into Stanford
a year early.
How you doing, ladies?
Hey, loser. See you're still
dressing like the
Jabbawockeez.
- [laughter]
- [speaking Korean] Hey! Over here!
Pull in next to us!
It's the Parks.
Don't do it, Dad. Please!
Don't make me talk to Jennifer,
she crazy!
[Joy] Ugh.
Hi, Joy.
[speaking Korean] Still driving a car
from the Obama administration?
We just got the brand-new
seven series.
Yes, how nice!
I didn't realize
it came in banana.
Beautiful color!
Hello and welcome, Choi family.
How are you on this
day of worship?
Hi, Benny.
Ugh, whatever, Jennifer.
Would you like to sample
some of the pastries
I baked from scratch?
Legendary kiss-ass
status unlocked.
- Hyung-Joon!
- [grunts]
Fuck, that's delicious.
Jennifer, thank you.
Oh, you're so polite.
Would you mind keeping an eye
on Hyung-Joon in Youth Group?
I worry he's not connecting
with scripture.
I worry, too.
But you can count on me.
What is your name?
I don't have a name.
- I'm untitled.
- [phone chimes]
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
- [gasps]
- Oh, my God, what is it? Tell me.
Surprise Beyoncé album.
No, wait.
Surprise Solange album?
Even better.
Surprise Sunday Latrine
announcement!
♪
[panting]
[Hiroki] What up, fam?
It is I, Hiroki Hassan,
founder of Latrine
and the illest man alive.
I interrupt your
Sunday scaries to announce
my most exclusive drop yet.
The Golden Dorito.
[all] No way.
Yes way.
I have placed four
Golden Doritos
in random Cool Ranch bags
around the world.
This Golden Dorito
is your ticket
to an all-access tour
of my incredibly tasteful
yet sick as fuck lair.
Now, good luck,
and remember,
the only rule is
there ain't no rules.
[whispers indistinctly]
Okay, apparently there are
a few rules.
So, check LATRINE.BIZ
for deets.
Bless up and stay woke.
[all] Holy shitballs!
- What do we do?
- [Weston] I know what I'm doing.
- Peace out, bitches.
- [tires screech]
Emergency drop protocol.
To the block.
- [crowd shouting]
- I'm on the block right now ♪
- Aah!
- With some drip that'll drench ♪
- The whole town ♪
- [grunting]
And my flow's making
all y'all drown
- Damn!
- Oh, man,
it's like Paris fashion week
fucked the Purge.
- Coo-coo!
- With some drip ♪
That'll drench
the whole town
Please, let us in.
No can do, boys.
Get fucked.
[tires screech]
Oh, how is Benny not here yet?
[somber organ music playing]
[phone vibrating]
Mom, come on, please.
I need my phone back.
No, not until after church.
You get too distracted.
You're right, Mommy.
I'm sorry.
What?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Ooh. I gotta get out of here.
- [Pastor Pat] Okay,
who's ready to talk about
our best pal and savior?
Jesus Christ.
♪
[groans]
- Whoo!
- Uh
[both] Oh!
Hmm.
[chuckles]
Huh?
- [screams]
- ♪
I love my B-I-B-L-E Bible ♪
[kids clapping along]
- B-I-B-L-E Bible ♪♪
- God
Don't make me tell,
Hyung-Joon.
What? I need to call
my grandma.
It's 5:00 a.m. in Seoul.
She's an early riser.
Fine. You have two minutes,
then I'm telling your mother.
Ooh, I'm so scared.
- 1:59, 1:58
- [panting]
[phone ringing]
You guys, it's Benny.
Bro, the whole block
has gone apeshit.
We're hiding in a dumpster,
and I smell like
somebody else's burrito.
Where are you?
I'm in hell.
Look, I don't have much time.
The drop announcement,
skim it for clues.
Hiroki's been obsessed
with Easter eggs
ever since he dropped that
Da Vinci Code skate deck.
You know, I'm just
gonna say it.
Book's better than
the movie. Ah!
[Truman] I'm not seeing
anything.
Hey, quick Q for you, Benny.
[Dale] I've always
wondered about this.
Is Jesus white or Asian
in Korean church?
He's whiter than
a rice cake, Dale.
Don't interrupt us.
Wait, that's it.
Go to that spot where
his henchman interrupts him.
[Truman] It's just his
shadowy figure.
- Go back. The time code jumped.
- Read it to me.
[Truman] 04:17:20:10.
- Is that an address?
- It's a date.
April 17, 2010.
Not just any date.
It's a drop!
Of course.
The Latrine transition glasses.
I have them. Go to my house.
It's in the
- Time's up, Hyung-Joon.
- [Truman] Benny?
What the fuck?
- Shit.
- Aah!
You heard the man.
To Benny's house.
Goddamn it, Jennifer,
give it back.
We're still young; it's not
a big deal if I hit you.
You want me to tell on you,
or you want to lose the phone?
Why are those my options?!
[sighs]
Fine.
[chuckles]
Good choice.
[Truman] Yo, come on,
come on, come on.
Oh, hello, Gucci.
Who's a good boy?
You's a good boy
Yes, yes, yes. Ya!
This is so exciting.
We're like Charlie's Angels.
What? We're nothing like
Charlie's Angels, bruh.
You had so many
franchise options.
I could have been Black Bond
in this bitch.
Yo, respect the culture, boys.
Damn, tracking mud is
wild disrespectful.
- You guys see the glasses?
- No. Nothing.
Ooh.
You guys want to see
baby Benny
- in a seersucker bow tie?
- [Dale] What?
- I have the exact same crayon pic.
- Found it.
- [phone chimes]
- [gasps] Shit.
First chip was found.
[reporter] Congratulations on
finding the first Golden Dorito.
Who's gonna be your plus-one?
Easy. My plus-one is
my best friend Mike.
Thank God I only have one.
So it's like
a plus-one thing?
How did we not know?
I mean, it is a bullshit rule,
but me and Benny are gonna take
tons of pics and vids
for you guys, so don't worry.
What?! Why don't we
get to go?
You think we're just here
to help?
That's literally what Dale's
Twitter bio says.
Hey, don't hate
on Boy Scout code.
Well, that's not what
mine says.
[Dale] Guys, stop fighting.
We need to focus on the chip.
We'll figure out
who's going later.
[Pastor Pat] Today we're
discussing false idols.
Hyung-Joon, pay attention.
Ugh. This Kumon bitch is
too much.
Would anyone like to come up
here and read the next passage?
- Oh, oh, Jennifer would.
- Hey.
Ugh, Hyung-Joon.
- [laughing]
- [Jennifer groans]
- [phone line rings]
- [grunts]
[phone ringing]
[Benny] Dude, it's me.
I'm on a burner.
What's up, Charlie?
Angels here.
- Right? Come on.
- [Truman] Bro!
We found these glasses,
but they don't do shit.
They don't even
transition properly.
Why would Hiroki
lead us to the glasses
if they don't do anything?
Obviously to see something.
But what?
Yo, check it.
It's the plug.
[Benny] Of course.
How could I forget?
It was when Joaquin
was transitioning into
a performance artist
right before
he grew the beard
and started rapping.
Go find Joaquin.
He'll know what to do.
Dope.
- Thanks, bestie.
- [Derica] Bestie?
I've known Benny since
Mrs. Gill's preschool class.
- I introduced you two.
- Hey, Benny,
you should know there's a
Well, if it isn't
the little hype bitch.
[speaking Korean] I wonder
which one of your sisters
I'm gonna hook up with first?
Probably Helen.
Now give it back!
Listen to you. Can't even
clap back in Korean.
Spending too much time
with your woke-ass friends,
Hyung-Joon?
You think if you cop enough
Latrine gear, they'll
- mistake you for a white boy?
- [laughter]
[grunts] I wear Latrine
because it's fucking dope.
If I wanted to get a job
at H&R Block, I'd wear J.Crew.
- [others gasp]
- Shit, my lame-ass white friends
don't even wear J.Crew.
Whoa.
Whoops.
You son of a bitch.
What's going on in here?
I caught Hyung-Joon sneaking out
to talk on the phone,
and when I tried to stop him,
he cursed at me.
It's actually a lot more
nuanced than that.
- Hyung-Joon, you're coming with me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[laughter]
[Derica] Kombucha Brewery?
I thought this was
Joaq-dog's art studio.
Extra, extra,
swipe all about it.
Chips two and three found.
Oh, sacrebleu.
Thank God I only have
one best friend.
Thank God I only
have one best friend.
Damn, one left?
This better work.
Joaquin, bro,
911 chip sitch.
We need your help.
Vow of silence break.
Sorry about that, fam,
it's just we brew
in silence here 'cause the
boocha molecules are crazy shy.
No need to be shy around us.
Keep brewing.
You're doing great.
Hey, real talk, what you know
about these joints?
Just when I think
I can stop running,
my Latrine past
catches up to me.
When they were recalled,
so was I.
Hiroki said I should
just turn my back
on the glasses.
So you don't have
a clue for us?
Are you even aware
there's a worldwide
Dorito contest going on?
No, I fux with the Salsa Verde,
but that is it.
Hey, Joaquin, Dan dropped his
smudge stick in the vat again.
Sorry, gang, when the booch
calls, I answer.
Hold up, give me the glasses.
No way.
Joaquin is the clue.
Check it.
[gasps]
That's young Hiroki.
I know what the next clue is.
Come on.
Thanks, Joaq-dog.
Young Hiroki looked up to
his first mentor,
legendary '80s fashion designer
Azzedine Alaia.
D, the Alaia store got
torn down.
You know that.
It's Barks & Bitches now.
- Exactly. It's the perfect place to hide a chip.
- Slow down, Angels.
I'm running low on battery.
[sinister laugh]
It's time for Abraham's Choice.
Everyone grab a partner
you're willing to
sacrifice for the Lord.
Hyung-Joon, let's be partners.
Lewis?
- Where's Hyung-Joon?
- Um, I don't know.
He Venmo'd me ten bucks
to wear this.
Don't kill me.
[phone vibrating]
Thanks for holding
my celly, JC.
[entry bell chimes]
- [cats meowing]
- [puppies yapping]
You can just ask about
the animals.
You don't have to sift
through their poop.
- [phone rings]
- [Benny] D, it's me.
I'm on another burner.
- You guys get anything from Joaquin?
- Yes.
His back tattoos led us
to the old Alaia store,
aka Bark & Bitches.
And since I cracked the clue,
I should get to go with you.
Get to go?
- There's no chip here, D.
- Yes, there is.
You're just not looking
hard enough, Truman.
Hey, just curious, why am I
not even an option?
Dale, my fucking mom is going
before you're going.
Why are you guys fighting?
What are you even talking about?
Oh, like you don't know.
We've been racing around
Fairfax all day
while your ass is in church.
Yeah, why should Benny
get to go anyway?
Derica, you and me should go.
Someone tell me what
is going on.
Guys, Sherman got the last chip.
It's over.
[crying out]
- Hyung-Joon.
- Wha?
I begged you to be good today.
But Jennifer tells me
you've been sneaking out,
and Pastor Pat tells me you were
using curse words.
Why do you have to misbehave
on such an important day for me?
Important for you?
Today is the most important day
of my life.
I'm trying to make something
of myself,
and everyone is sabotaging me.
- You have no idea what that feels like.
- [harsh groan]
So disrespectful.
I do everything for you,
and still you embarrass me.
You don't get me at all.
I hate it here.
[all gasp]
Umma, I'm sorry, I
Get back inside. Now.
[speaking Korean]
Aw, he's fat on the inside too?
And then the disciple Stephen
was taken outside of Jerusalem,
where he was stoned to death.
Lucky him.
Give phone please.
I'm not supposed to.
Look at me, Jennifer.
I'm sitting in
the Sinner's Corner.
I'm not going to Hiroki's lair,
and I'm pretty sure
my mom's going to disown me.
So either give me the phone
or push me off the roof.
[sighs]
I just can't believe
it was Sherman.
Guess there really is a God,
and he hates me.
Are you seriously crying
over a fake golden chip?
Hiroki would never use
fake gold.
He's authentic to his core.
Then that Sherman guy
got a fake one.
What are you talking about?
Jennifer, come on, girl,
I'm sorry.
I think you're brilliant,
all right?
A little cuckoo, but
that's hot to some people.
Please tell me. Please?
[sighs] The filaments
near the edges
of the chip are not remnants
- of real gold.
- Go on.
It's turning his fingers
green, dummy.
Only fake gold does that.
How sure are you?
I'm a straight-A student,
Hyung-Joon.
I'm pretty fucking sure.
The Lord works in
mysterious ways.
[straining]
Wait. That was really
impressive.
But what about your
cello performance?
Fuck my cello performance!
My mom already hates me.
Latrine is an even bigger BFD.
[grunting]
- [shoulder pops back]
- [whimpers]
- [phone line ringing]
- Guys, it's me.
The chip's a fake.
Wait, how do you know?
My source is legit.
Trust me.
Even if it is a fake,
we couldn't find anything
at Bark & Bitches.
That's because it's not there.
Hiroki's real first job
was working
for his mom's donut shop,
Trusty Donuts.
His first mentor was his mom.
So the dream is still alive?
- [voices approaching]
- Oh, shit.
Hold on, guys.
[speaking Korean] I'm sorry your
son is such a disappointment.
Maybe Jennifer should perform
at the memorial instead.
Her emergency bassoon is
in the car just in case.
No, Hyung-Joon will play.
And he's not a disappointment.
He's unique.
Oh. You should see
his shoe business.
- He bought me these Louboutins with his own money.
- Huh.
Those are three seasons old.
Too bad kids don't come
with gift receipts.
[laughter]
[Derica] Benny, what's going on?
You there?
My mom.
I'm her Golden Dorito.
This is her drop day
and I'm ruining it.
Sorry, guys, I can't make it.
Are you serious?
Benny, Latrine is the most
important thing in your life.
It's your religion.
Second most.
Now, go on without me.
I need to handle something.
You guys got this.
Benny's right.
We can do this.
Friends, or best friends?
[all] Best friends!
[dog barks]
[organ playing]
[clears throat]
How can we not talk
about family
when family's all that we got?
And now, I would like to
welcome our very own
Hyung-Joon Choi to the stage
to perform a piece for BFD
on the cello.
[exhales sharply]
There.
We're too late.
[entry bell chimes]
Hey, wait,
That's our Dorito bag.
This goes out to the BFD
in my life,
my umma.
[audience murmurs]
Secure the motherfucking bag!
♪
I know a shortcut.
Follow me.
♪
♪
Yah!
[straining]
That chip is mine.
- Whoa!
- [crying out]
Weston?
But you're our principal.
Not on weekends.
- Aah
- Aah!
Yah.
♪
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
Want to see what 30K a year
will do to a man?
What the fuck?!
Looks like my wife was right.
I'm gonna end up killing
some kids today.
I mean, do I even
have to say it?
[Truman and Derica] Fine.
We're totally Charlie's Angels.
[all shouting]
[sobbing]
[all grunting]
[cries out]
Why are you so good
at karate?
Huh?
Guys, over here.
♪
Vaya con Dios, motherfucker.
- Bye-bye.
- Wha
Oh, damn.
- [crying out]
- [explosion]
[cheering, laughing]
Did we just murder
our principal?
♪
[cheers and applause]
My baby.
Pull over.
Where's the goddamn Dorito bag?
Fuck, I tossed it
a mile ago.
Litter gang for life,
motherfucker.
[speaking Korean]
You must be so proud.
Ugh. What now?
Oh, that was beautiful,
Hyung-Joon.
Go get your phone back.
Jennifer, you are truly
a psychopath.
It terrifies me that
we're probably gonna
hook up someday.
[giggles]
[hawk screeches]
[panting]
This is hopeless.
I don't see anything.
Bro, we've had, like,
10,000 Doritos today,
and I ain't even mad at it.
- [clank]
- Man, what the fuck?
This chip got a grill?
You gotta look at the date
on the bag sometimes, man.
Yo!
[gasps]
There it is.
Well?
- Yo!
- Yeah!
Holy shit, you did it.
We all did it.
When I was hungry,
she cooked me something yummy ♪
And when I was sick,
she would take care of me ♪
Fix me up chicken soup,
let me stay home from school ♪
But if I did
I couldn't leave the room ♪
- 'Cause that was the rule
- [all cheering]
Dope!
I count four of you.
Which two will be attending
the Latrine lair?
All of us or none of us.
Okay.
All right, well, I'm gonna need
to run that by my boss.
Please hold.
Sir? Yeah, hi.
We have a situation
with the Fairfax winners.
There's four of them. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's one of those "all for
one, one for all" scenarios.
Yeah.
He said you can all come.
[all cheering]
Dedicated to my mama,
to my mama ♪
Who taught me how to
put on my pajamas, she did ♪
Always let me have
a couple dollars ♪
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
Told me that my dreams
I better follow ♪
Hey ♪
This song is dedicated
to my mama ♪
She taught me how to
put on my pajamas ♪
Always let me have
a couple dollars ♪
And told me that my dreams
I better follow ♪
I love my mama ♪
This is for all the mamas ♪
All the mamas working
more than one job ♪
Working real, real hard ♪
Mamas all over the world,
you know? ♪♪
Chirp.