Fake (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
JOE: Heading to the
airport. See you in an hour.
Oh, Anton, I thought I just saw
Joe at the Falconer with a woman.
JOE: So sorry, going to be late.
Flight's delayed. Big eye roll.
Just grabbing a quick drink at
- guess where?
The Falconer, with my sister-in-law.
Am I your dirty little secret?
JOE: Oh, hang on,
where's this come from?
What, are your friends
making you feel bad again?
BIRDIE: I expected
there'd be more jacarandas.
It's very brown.
Oh, well, sheep do well on brown.
So nice to see you again, Joe.
Lovely to finally meet you, Birdie.
Oh, thank you.
Make yourselves at home.
I have to warn you,
we've had Liam around.
JOE: Yeah, look, it'd be a
shame to cut this place up
into separate apartments.
He does like you, Anton. Really?
Yes. He's invited you to his wedding.
- I love a country wedding.
- Should I book you a flight?
Oh, I can book it.
Where's the flight details?
(GASPS)
Can you get Tovey's dad
to drive you into the bank?
MARGEAUX: Oh, Christ,
it's 10 minutes into town.
BIRDIE: I need to know
whether he's coming or not.
Is the seat next to mine booked,
and has that person checked in?
The flight is fully booked.
Oh, the seat's taken.
I'm 21-B.
Sorry.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain in your seats
until the pilot turns off
the seatbelt sign.
(DINGING)
BIRDIE: So after all
that, now he's rebooking.
ANTON: What flight?
Have you got the details?
Not yet. He'll be here tomorrow.
ANTON: That's cutting
it fine. Are you sure?
Right, so if you and Rory can
help Kath with dinner tonight
Mm-hm. I've got it.
ANTON: Leela very kindly has
offered to do lunch tomorrow
and then Don and Tovey will
be dealing with the lamb spit
so I don't have to deal with it because
it's really freaky looking. (LAUGHS)
- What are you doing?
- I I'm just doing
some last-minute work emails.
I won't be a sec.
Right, done. I'm all
yours for the weekend.
Did you remember her
dress, Rory's dress?
- Yes, got it. It's all steamed.
- OK.
- Oh! This party, oh,
- Ready to go.
it just looks so beautiful!
- Wow.
- TOVEY: Rory, Birdie's here!
- Oh, there she is!
- Birdie!
- Hello, darling.
- Where's Joe?
He's coming tomorrow. Are you excited?
- Really excited!
- I am.
- Hey!
- Hi, Tovey!
- Oh, where's Joe?
- Oh, he's (STAMMERS)
Never date a businessman.
- I'll fill you in.
- Where's your mum?
- Hi, Don. How are you?
- Hi!
Mum's dying to see you. Jump on in.
- Yes.
- Nan!
They're back from the airport.
Oh, that's the perfect
amount. Thank you, sweetheart.
- (GASPS)
- Hello.
Come here, you. Oh!
Ah, look at you!
- Oh, but where's
- He missed the plane.
No! (LAUGHS)
He's just as tied up in
the city on a property deal.
- He's coming tomorrow.
- Oh, OK.
Well, I've put you
two in the guest house.
Oh, well, actually, I did say to Mum
that she could have the guest house
because she needs the ensuite.
Yes, and I've told her
that I won't bloody hear of it.
I've put her in the sunroom. Come on.
Off you go.
Everything you need is in
here for the two of you.
Oh, thanks, Kath.
So, are you in love?
He's really wonderful.
What's he like? I want
to know everything.
Does he make you feel special?
- Mm-hm.
- Well, that's alright, then.
Tovey told us all about him anyway.
Oh, what did he say?
Oh, you know, just
that you found yourself
a good country bloke.
Now, don't let Don bore
him to death with farm talk.
- You know what he can be like.
- Mm-hm.
I've got to keep moving, though.
BIRDIE: Yeah, I'll be
right there to help you out.
Hey, Birdie! Can I show you something?
Oh, sure. What have you got?
My speech, and I've been helping
Nan with the seating plan.
We put you and Joe up the special end.
Oh!
Can I see your speech?
No, it's a surprise.
We put family up this end,
and then all of the single people
and people who didn't fit
anywhere else go down here.
- And Cousin Gus.
- Mm.
And then I'm here with my friends.
- Oh, I heard you'd arrived. Oh!
- Hi.
I told Kath a couple
should have the guest house.
- Yeah, well, thank you.
- Well, so where is he?
Ah Oh, he'll be coming.
Sorry about earlier.
- I got a bit confused.
- No.
I was trying to get onto
Joe, but he was in meetings,
and, you know, it's just
he didn't end up needing the money.
He's worked it out.
So he bought it or he
lost it? Which one is it?
Would you like Would
you like a snack, darling?
RORY: Yeah.
See what you can find in there.
Oh, well, it's the weekend.
They can't really do
anything till Monday, so
We'll just leave Joe to
his own business affairs.
I don't really understand it.
Well, it was you who
dragged us all into it.
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
Thank you for going to
the bank. It meant a lot.
Anyway, we'll just focus
on Anton and Tovey now.
MARGEAUX: Oh, come on, Miss.
Let's go and see what
your slave-driver nan
wants us to do. I mean, I don't know why
she didn't hire some
help for the weekend.
I think I'll take the flowers.
They'll be lovely in my room.
Bye.
JOE: Hi, you've reached Joe Burt.
Please leave a message and
I'll get back to you when I can.
(BEEP!)
(KIDS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
Uh, there's only the one
o'clock flight tomorrow,
and it's fully booked,
so I'm assuming you're
going to be on that?
I cannot fucking understand
why you haven't called me back!
ANTON: Tovey, you need to hydrate.
- No!
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hello, everyone! Hello.
ALL: Hello.
How are you? Good.
- How are you?
- How was the drive?
- Very long.
- Yes.
Very long drive.
I heard from Anton you might
be getting married next.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
Let me take that from you.
- RORY: Papa, Leela!
- LEELA: Darling, how are you?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Mwah!
- Hello! How are you?
Welcome.
(BEEP!)
BIRDIE: There's only the
one o'clock flight tomorrow,
and it's fully booked, so I'm assuming
you're going to be on that?
I cannot fucking understand
why you haven't called me
(STARTS ENGINE)
Sav blanc all the way
from Mudgee, Margeaux.
Perfect for you lot. We're
moving forward to your fave
Dad, speech. Everyone, everyone,
can I have your attention please?
Thank you for coming to the farm
and to Mum and Dad for hosting.
- (CHEERING)
- It was all Kath.
And I want to mention
those family members
who can't be with us this weekend.
So, Anton, your mum, Seeya
- always missed.
Margeaux's Gordon.
Aunty Birdie's Joe?
Oh, no, shush, darling,
he's he's on his way.
My sister, Jessa, and her partner, Ade,
who couldn't be here
unfortunately, from Lisbon
for the wedding, but
they sent their love.
Hello! Surprise.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
What are you doing?
KATH: What are you ? Hello!
No, I didn't!
TOVEY: Right, food's up, everyone.
Grab yourself a plate, serve yourself
- let's go!
And you sit down. You are not the help.
I know OK.
Birdie, Birdie. I want you to
tell me about this property deal
that is keeping the beau away.
Oh, yes, it's amazing.
Yeah, it's a grand estate,
just outside Ballarat.
Big, red-brick mansion with 18 rooms,
manager's residence,
most gorgeous olive grove
and and a pinot vineyard.
Not the old Tara estate?
- Oh, no
- There's only a couple I'd call grand in that area.
Tara's the only one that grows pinot.
Oh, no, no, no. It's Eldorado.
Oh, I've never heard of it.
The Tara sold recently,
I'm sure I've read that somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Well, we're also looking at
another place called Jacaranda,
which isn't really as
pretty, but it has brown grass
- and sheep do well on brown.
- Oh
- Hi, Dadda!
- Oh, baby!
- Am I getting a drink or a what?
- Oh, my goodness!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LINE RINGS)
JOE: Hi, you've reached Joe Burt.
Please leave a message and
I'll get back to you when I can.
(BEEP!)
Just call me, Joe.
(MAGPIES WARBLE)
(SHEEP BLEAT)
(ENGINE WHIRS)
(LINE RINGS)
JOE: Hi, you've reached Joe Burt.
Please leave a message and
I'll get back to you when I can.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- So good to see you.
- Oh, you too.
I hear you're dating a bazillionaire
and buying a mansion.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Not quite.
We're thinking about
moving back to Melbourne
and trying for a baby.
Oh, Jessa!
And when we do, I will organise
a couples dinner for the six of us.
- Beautiful.
- Yay.
- I can't wait.
- I'm looking forward to meeting him.
Yes, we're all looking
forward to Joe's arrival.
He's on the one o'clock, isn't he?
Oh, thank you.
Don will head out after lunch, love.
Oh. Is
Don's not going out just for Joe, is he?
Well, everyone else arrived
last night, didn't they?
Yeah, no, but he can just get a cab.
Oh, I wouldn't hear of it.
Well, you might need Don here.
Excuse me, missy, but your
Joe is a VIP special guest.
And we are all busting to meet him.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I'm so happy you've found someone.
You know
we were all saddest
for you when your dad died.
Oh
w Why's that?
Well, you two were so close.
And your mum was
wild - jealousy.
He had to be careful, you know,
not to pay you too much attention
or she'd get stroppy with him.
(SIGHS)
Found it on the wood heap.
Look familiar?
Oh, no, that's not Eldorado.
Righto.
Thought it was too
much of a coincidence.
I might have a quick shower
while the water's still hot.
(LINE RINGS)
JOE: Hi, you've reached Joe Burt.
Please leave a message
and I'll get back to you
(HANGS UP)
(LINE RINGS)
MAN: Hello, you've reached
Northwest Real Estate.
- How can I help you today?
- Oh, hi.
Did you handle the recent
sale of the Tara estate,
about three months ago?
MAN: That's right. A beautiful property.
Are you looking for something similar?
It
Did it go back on the market again?
No Not that I'm aware of.
So it's not currently for sale?
MAN: No, it'd be quite unusual
to sell again so quickly.
OK. Thank you.
(KNOCKING)
DON: Birdie, can you give us a hand?
Rory wants some braids.
Oh Yes!
Hi. Don, I've just heard from Jo.
- All good?
- Well, no, no.
His son was at the pool and
he was running and he slipped
and hit his head.
Oh, no. Is he OK?
He's Stitches.
So it doesn't sound good.
I don't think he's
going to make his flight.
Oh, my goodness.
Let us know if there's
anything we can do, OK?
Actually, Don, can you
just keep it between us?
I don't want to worry Anton and Tovey.
- I'm a vault!
- Thank you.
You look nice.
Oh. I look terrible.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, what's happened to me?
I look so dumb.
- What?
- Oh, no.
You're a princess.
Oh!
Oh, and look, you've got a crown.
Look at you.
And a prince will come along one day.
I love my princess.
Oh, and you're pretty like a princess.
(APPLAUSE)
CELEBRANT: Let's exchange rings.
BOTH: With this ring, I thee wed.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I picked this reading with my dads
from The Velveteen Rabbit.
"'What is real,' asked
the Rabbit one day.
'Real isn't how you are
made,' said the Skin Horse.
'It's a thing that happens to you.
When someone loves
you for a long time '"
(JOE'S VOICE JOINS RORY)
"' not just to play with,
but really loves you,
then you become real.'"
JOE: "'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse.
'But when you are real,
you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once,
'like being wound up?' he asked.
'Or bit by bit?'
(RORY READS, WITH JOE'S VOICE FADING)
"'Generally, by the time
you are real, most of your
hair has been loved off,
and your eyes drop out, and
you get loose in your joints '
- BOTH: That's you.
- "' and you're very shabby '"
- THAT'S you.
- (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
(RORY, WITH JOE) "'But these
things don't matter at all,
because once you are real,
you can't be ugly, except to
people who don't understand.'"
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
Yay, darling! Well done!
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Could somebody please
pour me a champagne?
- Shh. You're fine.
- I'm desperate for one!
Rors, Rors, come on.
- to see you.
- It's lovely to see you too!
- I look forward to catching up!
- (DING!)
JOE: I'm terribly sorry, Birdie.
Where's Dad?
- Where's Birdie? Get Birdie!
- Yeah!
ALL: Birdie! Birdie!
Come on in.
Here we go, ready? One, two, three!
Tovey!
- (LAUGHTER)
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
Birdie, smile, wave.
(SHUTTER CONTINUES CLICKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, we need more mineral water up here.
Thank you.
Oh, Joe
Oh.
(WHISPERS) How is his son doing?
Oh, Don told you.
Yes, um, he's he's recovering.
- It was very scary.
- Yeah.
- Mm. He sends his best.
- Aw.
I think Jessa and Abe should
sit up this end of the table.
- I'm going to go down there.
- I would never ask you to move.
- It's no problem, I don't mind.
- No, please.
- No, no I want to.
- Really.
If everyone could please sit down.
Food will be served now.
Hey, Noah, can you run and
get Rory from the swings?
- Tell them it's dinner time.
- NOAH: Yeah.
TOVEY: Thanks, babe.
Alright, there we go, everybody.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Cheers.
- Cheers, everybody.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, darlings.
One more!
Is Birdie alright down there?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
JESSA: This looks
beautiful, Mamma. Thank you.
So, how do you know ?
Cousin. Tovey's.
- You?
- A friend.
And Rory's godmother.
Are you the egg donor?
No.
- So what do you do?
- I'm a journalist.
- Written anything I'd know?
- Oh
ANTON: Gus.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Joe? Mm
He's He's tied up in the city.
He's really sorry.
(SIGHS)
What?
How long are you going
to let this go on, Bird?
There'll be a good explanation.
There always is.
What is happening to you?
Can we please not do this today?
It's your wedding.
Please?
Then when?
I don't care. Tomorrow.
Promise?
Fine.
OK, well, food is up.
Speeches after.
You still good?
I'm great.
You ARE great.
GUS: Hey.
You know what you should write about?
Plight of the average bloke.
We're going extinct.
Normal guys don't get a look-in
unless you've got a
six-figure bank salary.
I mean, you guys don't even
need us to have babies anymore.
(LAUGHS) I think
you'll be OK. Excuse me.
(INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY)
JOE: I stay away from social media.
I'm very private.
Just grabbing a quick drink at
- guess where?
The Falconer, with my sister-in-law.
Oh, I see you. I fucking see you!
(SCREAMS)
(MAN SINGS OPERATICALLY)
into ♪
The shade ♪
Where'er you walk ♪
Cool gales shall fan the glade ♪
Trees where you sit ♪
Shall crowd into ♪
A shade ♪
Trees where you sit ♪
Shall crowd ♪
Into ♪
A shade. ♪
- Oh, my God.
- (CHEERING)
ANTON: Oh, my God! I can't
believe he's such a good singer!
Thank you so much, Ade.
(DINGS GLASS)
Alright, alright.
I would like to make a speech now.
(CHEERING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Husband
- (LAUGHTER)
Love is not a noun.
It's a verb. A doing word.
Love is turning up.
It's being there.
It's staying when things get tough.
Love is to make a decision (FADES)
JOE: Is that for me?
I love you.
(ANTON CONTINUES, INDISTINCTLY)
(APPLAUSE)
And now Birdie's going to make a speech.
Most of you already know Birdie.
She's been everything from my girlfriend
to my best friend to Rory's godmother.
And now she is our maid of honour.
- Yay, Birdie!
- (CHEERING)
My dad always said
(RECALLS) Am I your dirty little secret?
JOE: Oh, hang on.
Where's this come from?
What, are your friends
making you feel bad ?
I remember Anton ringing me
and telling me he'd met 'the one'.
He'd found his person.
And what a find! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
JOE: Trust me.
10 full years of a love
that just keeps growing.
The trust you share carries no doubt.
I can't imagine what that feels like.
I couldn't be happier for you.
To Tovey and Anton.
- Thank you.
- (ALL TOAST)
ALL: Cheers.
GUS: Good speech.
And now, you can drink.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Lovely. Does anyone want more gravy?
- Mamma?
- (LOVE TONIGHT BY SHOUSE PLAYS)
(AUDIO DISTORTS AND FADES)
- (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God!
- Birdie! Are you OK?
Up, up, up, up!
(INDISTINCT) You alright?
Oh, hey! Do you want some water?
- (LAUGHS)
- Is your head alright?
(BOTH LAUGH)
It's better now! (LAUGHS)
- Have you eaten any food?
- No!
Yeah. I don't know. Have you?
- Yes, of course I have.
- Am I Am I drunk?
- Me too.
- You are!
Me too, me too.
- Brilliant.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Aw. Me too.
I just do, I love you. Aw.
- I love you. Mwah!
- Fuck off.
(ALL LAUGH)
- Go and have a
- Come on!
- Come on, get a drink!
- (LAUGHS)
Not another drink.
MARGEAUX: He's left you, hasn't he?
Oh, I can't watch it.
Oh, it's embarrassing.
You don't judge me.
Why have you never loved me?
You only loved him.
I was just in the way.
MARGEAUX: Is it a crime
that I wanted to spend
more time with my new husband
before I started washing nappies?
Maybe I don't want a man
around all the time
- MARGEAUX: Liar.
- to be a wife as my whole personality.
- You're a liar.
- A gigantic love story.
- Liar.
- It was suffocating.
MARGEAUX: He's left you, hasn't he?
- I still can't breathe.
- Oh, it's embarrassing.
- Liar. It's embarrassing.
- You win.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
(EXHALES)
JOE: Well, it was touch-and-go
there for a while, but I
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
JOE: She got me the very last seat,
at the very last minute.
I get to Wagga. I get off the plane
I tell him where I'm
going, brings me here.
And I gave him a very
large tip, I must say.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, and then he's
going to take his family
on a holiday to Vanuatu
to see the blue pools.
DON: How's your son?
Oh, he's away at school
camp at the moment.
- Oh Birdie said
- KATH: (LAUGHS) Here she is!
The beauty of the dawn.
(CHEERING)
She makes an appearance!
Ah, good. The bacon and eggies are here.
JOE: Hey, look. She's in shock.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hi, darling.
- Morning!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
RORY: Joe!
- JOE: Hello.
- Hi!
(JOE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Probably just three for tonight.
Thinking they'll be there alright.
- (JOE CHATS INDISTINCTLY)
- Can I sit in the front seat?
Oh, give you a text when
you get back, will you?
- JOE: Tesla next.
- DON: Oh, yeah?
RORY: Can we get ice
cream on the way home?
JOE: Bioweapon Defence Mode
(INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES)
DON: Have a great trip. Good to see you.
When we get back, I want
to ask you a question.
- BIRDIE: Thank you.
- JOE: Yeah, thanks very much.
Excellent. Lovely, safe driving.
JOE: Thank you!
These cracks don't look good.
We should, um, speak
to the strata board.
(FAINTLY) that bad.
Just want to make sure that
the foundations aren't
When's the, um When's
the next board meeting?