Family Tools (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

Ok, try it now.
[Engine sputters.]
Are you doing it right? Gas, gas, choke halfway, wait two seconds, choke out, turn key.
No, idiot.
Gas, gas, choke halfway, wait two seconds, choke in, turn key.
That's how we did it the first 10 times, dad.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's not me? No.
Dad, the engine is 75 years old.
There's a good chance it might be shot.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It just needs a little TLC.
That's interesting.
Cars get TLC, but your own flesh and blood Don't walk into the punch, Jack.
You better get to work.
All I gotta do here is yank the engine, service the pistons, brush out the cylinders, drop it back in, and bolt it down.
[Car door squeaks.]
Dad seems like a lot of work.
I'll stay here and help you.
I'll just cancel the job.
You're canceling the job? Great! I still get paid, right? No, you don't cancel a job.
But the car parade's today.
We're not gonna make it.
Oh, we're gonna make it.
The Mapleport Classic is a Shea family tradition.
My dad and I rode in this car every year, and you and I are riding in it today.
Jack's riding in the car? Well Yeah, since he's back in town.
No problem.
I'm actually looking forward to this, dad.
- I missed this while I was away.
- Yeah, whatever.
Just be back in time to help me drop the engine back in, okay? A and don't do anything stupid with your hair.
I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
[Crash.]
I'll fix that! Good morning.
Ahh! [Dishes rattle.]
It's an avocado mask.
I like it much better than the cool-ranch mask.
I have to look perfect today.
I'm riding in the parade with first ladies of Mapleport.
- You made it in?! - Yes, well, after six months of ass-kissing and bake sales, and beautifying the stupid park.
They're finally giving me a shot because Tina Walters broke her pelvis, and I'm the only one who fits in her dress.
And that explains why I'm installing a new handicap ramp in Tina's house.
See? It's a win-win.
Mom, why would you want to be in a parade with a bunch of stuck-up ladies? You know, growing up, our family struggled, and people looked down on us.
And look at me now.
I'm a first lady of Mapleport.
So does that mean you're gonna look down on other people now? It is my time, baby.
I've earned it.
Well, I, for one, can't wait to see you in that dress.
Oh, my God.
My dress.
When am I gonna have time to to go to the dry cleaners and get it? I have to moisturize, I have to tweeze, I have to wax my everything.
Cleaners is right by my job.
I'll just pick it up for you.
You're a life-saver.
Thank you so much.
Just, do me a favor and make sure that they took Tina's bloodstain out of the dress.
Just out of curiosity where were you when Tina took her fall? Um with you? [Grunts.]
You okay? What? Well, I just came in the car with a dress.
This should be like shooting fish in a barrel for you.
"You look like a girl, man.
" "Why you wearing a ball gown such as a girl would wear?" Or whatever.
Nothing? You mean like, "that's a good length to hide your cankles.
" "That cut will slim your child-bearing hips.
" "That neckline will flatter your man-boobs.
" Is that what you were hoping for? [Grunts.]
Where's the toolbox? It's in the hallway.
Where I left it.
Can you grab it? I need the level.
No, you don't, 'cause I measured it.
Now, if you measured it, we definitely would need it, 'cause [Chuckles.]
your work is iffy.
Hey, now that you're running the company, we should change the name to "Mr.
Iffy Fix".
Okay, I'm not saying that that wasn't clever wordplay, but what the hell? - I have to go outdoors.
- Okay.
You know, I'm going out.
- But but you'll still be here - Right.
while I'm out.
Oh, I see.
Mr.
Kurtz, it's okay.
Plenty of clients leave us alone while we're working.
Yeah, we rarely find anything we like to steal.
[Chuckles.]
Well, all right, then.
Just popping over to the ATM.
Uh No, I mean not the ATM.
I never carry cash.
Okay, Mr.
Kurtz, I I assure you, e everything will be fine.
Okay.
That is one paranoid old guy.
[Door locks.]
Did he just ? I think he did.
He locked us in! Mr.
Kurtz! You can't do this! We're trapped.
Calm down.
He said he'll be back.
You don't know when he'll be back, Jack.
He could take forever.
No, no! The room is closing in.
Oh, this is like a thing.
You're afraid of small spaces.
- Shut up.
- Are you claustrophobic? Quit asking stupid questions.
You're using up our oxygen.
Relax.
We'll grab a drill and we'll take out the handle.
Actually, we can't do that, because the toolbox is in the hallway where you left it.
This is no time for recriminations, Jack.
That old man could drop dead at any time, and nobody would know we were in here.
Well, guess what? We can open a window.
That's a good idea.
Um All right, Darren? I'm gonna deliver some news here, and I don't want to worry you, but They're painted shut! Help! I'll call my dad.
Where's my cellphone? It's in the toolbox with mine in the hallway.
We're gonna die.
And there's so many women who haven't experienced me yet.
It's okay.
All right we do need to hurry up, though.
I told my dad and Aunt Terry I'd be back for that parade.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The big parade! [Mockingly.]
Where you get to ride in the front seat with your daddy! Okay do you have a problem with that? Me riding with my dad in a father-son parade? That seat was mine for the last five years! It should be mine now! Vent! Well, it was nice of you to fill in, but now Fill in? Ha ha! [Coughs.]
Dust bunny.
Stop freaking out.
There's gotta be, like, a, you know, a phone or Whoo! I've seen these on TV.
I'll just call an operator.
They'll send someone to help us.
[Beeps.]
Man: Health alert.
It works! Get us the jaws of life! - What's your emergency, Mr.
Kurtz - Shh! Shh! Or do you just want to talk about the Korean War again? Right uh, um, no, this isn't Mr.
Kurtz.
Uh, this is someone else.
I'm we we need your help, though.
He's fine.
He's at the ATM.
- I don't wanna - Oh, I'm sorry.
We're only authorized to take emergency calls from Mr.
Kurtz.
Goodbye.
Uh No.
Come on.
No! No! No! Where is Jack with my dress?! No idea.
I keep getting his stupid voicemail.
[Sighs.]
By the way, I told him nobody wants to hire a singing handyman.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tony, what are you doing?! Your cardiologist said you shouldn't be straining yourself! Stop it! [Strains.]
This is good for me.
[Exhales deeply.]
Look at my hands oily and bloody.
Working man's hands.
Just, don't worry, okay? I got this.
Where the hell is my idiot son?! Do you know where I put whoa! Oh, there's your idiot son.
Stop it! [Sighs.]
I am not gonna miss this parade.
Terry, you gotta help me with the engine.
First ladies don't help with engines.
I can help you, Uncle Tony.
Thanks, Mason, but, uh remember that time I let you hold the flashlight for me and you somehow started a grease fire? I need somebody who knows something about cars.
Hey, go get Stitch! I'm all over it! Yeah.
[Footsteps departing, loud crash.]
Mason: I'm okay! He had a lot of ear infections as a baby.
I'm gonna go get my dress from the dry cleaners.
All right, I'll call my idiot son [Cellphone beeping.]
again.
[Cellphone ringing.]
Darren: The phone's ringing, Jack.
[Knocking.]
Help us! Darren, it's locked.
It was locked the last time you checked it.
It's gonna be locked the next time you check it.
It's locked.
It's locked.
Okay, whenever I am in a panicked state, I try to visualize a happier time in my life.
You want to know when a happier time was in my life? All those years you were away.
Uh oh, geez.
Okay.
That was most people pick, like, the first time they flew a kite or something, but that's fine.
I know you're in a heightened state of anxiety, so Don't patronize me with what you remember from your two weeks as a crisis counselor! It was three weeks, thank you very much, and I almost talked down a jumper.
What does it matter? You still quit.
That's what you do.
You fail and you bail.
That's not fair.
You want to know what's not fair?! All those years you were gone, failing at everything under the sun, I was here every day with Tony working! Working? You? Hmm.
I respected the man, Jack.
So if you respected me, you'd work for me? Don't put words in my mouth.
The point is, I was here when you weren't.
But then you waltz back into town, you get to ride in the parade, and you get the business.
Not fair.
Do you think this was my dream? I came back 'cause my dad needed me.
Ha! He didn't need you! He had me.
And let me tell you something when you walk away from this, and we both know it's only a matter of time, Jack he'll hand the business to me.
Ohh, Darren, don't make me laugh.
Oh, too late, I'm laughing.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let me be perfectly clear about something.
It doesn't matter if I'm here or not, - my dad is not gonna give this business to you.
- That is your opinion.
No, no, it's his opinion.
He doesn't respect you.
He only keeps you around as a favor to your grandpa.
What? Yeah.
He thinks you're useless.
And you know it.
Oof! Ah! [Panting.]
Stitch! Uncle Tony needs you fix the engine on the car for the parade.
All right.
Uh Mason, watch the store for me while I'm gone.
That's a big responsibility.
What if I start a grease fire? How are you gonna start a grease fire? [Dramatic music.]
Mason, it's not that hard, okay? Jump behind the counter, ring up the customers, and under no circumstances let anybody use the bathroom.
There's a bathroom here? No.
Ah! [Grunts.]
All right.
You want it to go down this way? I'll break out the muay thai.
Elbows in, leg back.
Ow! You think "Moby Dick" hurt? Here comes the reference section! I'm sick of you disrespecting me! Then stop sucking at your job! [Thud.]
Oof! You gotta do the job to suck at it.
That is a valid point! Yaaa! [Both grunting.]
Lamp! Coat rack! Another lamp! Some kind of urn?! [Strains.]
Sorry, Mrs.
Kurtz! Hello, First Lady Terry.
First Lady Kitty.
Look at you.
You got your hair and makeup done.
Now, who did it? Jonathan or Raphael? Actually, I did it myself.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Well, in this light, you can hardly tell.
[Laughing.]
Oh! And, uh, where's your gown? Oh, my, uh, my nephew picked it up already, and hopefully I'll have it soon.
"Hopefully"? Ooh Well, the bylaws very clearly state that if you do not have an official first ladies parade gown, then you cannot parade.
Actually, that is my favorite bylaw.
[Laughs.]
Oh, aren't you a spicy addition to the first ladies? I will burn your tongue! I do not know why I said that.
Goodbye, First Lady Kitty.
You're like the son I never had, Stitch.
Aw, thanks, Tony.
You want me to burp the alphabet? That would be awesome, but we're kind of pressed for time right now.
Oh you might need a new number-two piston.
That's the original part.
It'll work great.
This thing's giving me tetanus just looking at it.
It just needs to be cleaned up a little bit.
It's fine.
But with new parts, the car might, you know like go.
Old stuff has value.
I never said they didn't.
I'm just tired of people tossing stuff aside because it's not new anymore.
Look, Tony, you've had a few heart attacks, okay? That means that you have to I know, I know.
Okay, I get it.
I gotta take it easy.
[Sighs.]
Stitch, I am so tired of people hovering around me, waiting for my next valve to blow.
I'm not ready for the junkyard yet, okay? And neither is this car.
Come hell or high water, we are riding in that parade.
All right, then let's get this bad boy up and running.
Let's.
And she's a girl.
By the way, who's watching the store? Mason.
You seriously left Mason in charge? Yeah.
Why not? Not again! [Fire extinguisher hisses.]
- I'm his son! - Yeah, but he likes me better! You don't think I know that?! - Ow! My neck! My neck! My neck! My neck! My neck! - What? What? I had juvenile scoliosis.
Oh, God.
Are you okay? I said, "had.
" I'm better now.
[Grunts.]
Ahh! [Thud.]
[Muffled speech.]
Darren: Ha ha! [Muffled.]
Oh, my God! It's Aunt Terry! Yeah, nice try, Jack.
Jack? My dress, remember?! Aunt Terry! Aunt Terry! For God's sake, you want to stop fooling around? This is my day! I know! I know it's your day! Oh, no! Don't go away! Aunt Terry, help! We're trapped! Grow up, you idiot! [Both panting.]
I feel awkward.
[Straining.]
[Grunts.]
But you know what? I think we needed that.
Yeah.
That was good.
Mint? Thank you.
Hey, did Tony really say those things about me? I was angry.
I got carried away.
My dad respects you.
You might be completely useless to me, but you were always there for him, even when I wasn't, and I never said thank you.
So thank you.
You swear you're not walking out on your dad again? I swear.
Then you deserve to be Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
[Both grunting.]
[Exhales deeply.]
It looks like Mr.
Jiffy Fix has a big-ass mess to clean up.
Have fun.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Start her up! [Engine turns over, car idles.]
- You see? Good as ever! - Yes! Terry: Hey, guys, have you seen Mason? I can't get into this without him.
He's my zipper-upperer.
- Oh! I'll help.
- No! No! Dirty! [Grinding.]
My engine! My dress! All right.
See you at the parade.
Okay, where the hell is this guy? Who knows? [Sighs.]
My dad's gonna be so disappointed.
I know he tries to act tough, like nothing's a big deal, but this parade really matters to him, and now neither of us are gonna be there? You know what? I'm not gonna let that happen.
Get out of the way.
Ahhh! Ah Yep.
Just busted it.
Well, that's why God gave you two shoulders.
I brought scones.
Ah! [Thud.]
Freedom! Huh? I am so sorry, Mr.
Kurtz.
Are you okay? Well, I heard something inside shatter.
Okay, here.
They'll send help right away.
And don't bring up the Korean War.
Hey, Mason.
Slow day? Yeah.
Yeah.
Something like that.
I see you sold a fire extinguisher.
Good job! [Sighs.]
You know, I'm looking for somebody to work here part time.
Are you interested? - For real? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah! Definitely.
- All right.
Your first job assignment is, you're gonna want to clean the burn marks off the ceiling.
Jack: Door! [Toolbox clatters.]
[Van door closes.]
[Engine sputters.]
Are you kidding me? This is a brand-new battery.
Yeah that might be on me.
I'm in a dispute with the electric company.
Okay, we'll make a run for it.
We're making this parade.
Hold up.
I gotta pump up my kicks.
Okay.
Er, what? [Marching band plays in distance.]
Hey, Kitty, ladies.
Pretty good turnout, huh? All right, where do I sit? What are you wearing? Um Funny story.
Sad story.
Long story.
I will tell you as we ride.
Oh, please.
There is no way that you're riding with the first ladies in fat pants.
The top is fine.
No one's gonna see my pants.
Look, Kitty, please.
I, uh, I've been dreaming about this since I was a little girl and I worked really hard at it.
So, if you could just have a heart.
Since this is your dream, let's be fair.
We will put it to a vote.
Who wants Terry to ruin our parade? Well, there is democracy at work.
I am sorry.
Driver, drive on.
We don't start for another 10 minutes.
Oh.
[Clear throat.]
Well this is awkward.
[Chuckles awkwardly.]
Terry, would you mind walking away? You know, I I could say that you're a bunch of snobs, I could say that you're a bunch of dried-up old hags, and I could say that, without your rich husbands, you would all be nothing! But I will say none of those things, because I have two things that you all don't have, and that is class and my original face! - Hey.
- Hey.
Why aren't you with the first ladies? They kicked me out.
Well, they're idiots.
You look nice.
[Sighs.]
Thanks.
Jack didn't show up? I asked him to do one thing show up and sit on his ass.
Which is two things, technically, but still.
You know, so much has changed around here, I just I just want one thing to be like it was.
Well, you're still a crusty, old S.
O.
B.
Thank you.
We made it! We made it! Jack: Yeah.
Hi, dad.
My bad.
There was a Aw, geez.
Your hair looks stupid.
Sorry.
Come on, come on.
Get in the car.
Okay.
All right, buddy.
You know what? I want you to get in here.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you ride with your pops.
It's family tradition.
- You're part of the family.
- I insist.
- I mean it.
I really want you to do this.
- Somebody get in the damn car! Okay.
But look, man, I Jack, he's more like an Uncle to me, so he's your dad.
- Uncles count, just like dads.
- [Car door closes.]
I'm not gonna let those damn ladies rob me of my moment.
Now move! [Engine turns over.]
See? The old parts work fine.
[Laughs.]
[Engine sputters, stops.]
Aw not today! Damn it! Yeah Mason: Yeah! Stitch: Whoo! Classic! What happened to Tony? I didn't see my mom with the first ladies.
[Vintage car horn honks.]
Here he is! Hi, baby! Look at mama! Whoo! Tony: Come on! Put your backs into it! MacArthur's plan to invade Korea was to land at Incheon.
But the Pentagon said, "no way, Jose.
We're not having any of that stuff.
" We're almost done, if you want to just MacArthur, of course, was steaming mad at that point.
Well, he was known for his temper.
[Door locks.]
And that's where I came in.
- I had never been out of Mapleport.
- [Rattles door handle.]
Darren A fresh-faced 19-year-old who never enjoyed the fruits of a woman.
Darren! Darren! Darren!