Flight of the Conchords s01e07 Episode Script
Drive By
Here you go, thanks.
Next please? - Can I grab one of the apples, please? - Uh, you, sir? - And a and a banana.
- I think he was first.
No, you were first.
What are you having, sir? - Uh, two apples.
- All right.
Don't don't forget to get me my, uh, banana.
Thanks.
Excuse me, sir, I'll just, um get one of the apples, please.
- And a banana.
- A banana.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Look, guys, I don't want any trouble here, all right? - I'm sorry? - Where are you from? - New Zealand.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why don't you get lost? I don't serve your kind here.
Um, I'd just like to buy an apple, please? - And and a banana, Bret.
- That one, thanks.
That apple isn't for sale.
Neila, can you go boil this in disinfectant? Thank you.
I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.
Hmm.
Okay, well, thank you very much.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Okay, band meeting.
Jemaine.
- Yes.
- Bret.
What's wrong with being from New Zealand? Are you picking on Bret again, Jemaine? No, I I didn't pick on him.
- It was a - You're from New Zealand as well.
Yeah, I know that.
Murray present.
And I'm from New Zealand.
You're insulting me as well.
I didn't but but it wasn't even me that You're hurting all of us when you bring down New Zealand, okay? - Stop it.
- L but I didn't pick on him.
Tension in the band.
Bret upset.
All sorted now.
- Do we have any gigs, Murray or - No.
Any band opportunities? Actually, Bret, something from your mom.
Here we are.
You might like this.
I don't know what it is.
It seems empty.
Oh, great.
This is my favorite box.
And I got this from my mom.
Nothing from your mom, Jemaine.
So? I'm just saying, all right? I've got a DVD here that Mom recorded from TV shows back home.
I thought you might wanna watch it.
That's not a DVD, by the way.
Yes, it is.
Dubbed video dub.
Oh, hello.
- Tech support.
- Uh, sorry to interrupt.
Um, I got your memo.
You wanted to know when I'd be installing your new computer? - Yes.
- Still 2:30.
Okay.
Good.
I'm still free then.
Okay.
See ya.
Oh, this is my band I was telling you about.
- This is, uh, Jemaine.
- How are ya? - Hi.
Hi.
- And this is Bret.
And this is tech support advisor.
She's putting all the new computers in in the office.
- Ahh.
- Wow.
Upgrading from the old system now.
already obsolete, that one.
- They move fast now, don't they? - Hmm, yes.
Upgrading.
Yeah.
We're just having a band meeting talking about upcoming gigs, - that sort of thing.
- Yeah, there's none.
- It's pretty rock and roll - Right.
- The sort of thing we talk about - Well, I gotta go.
- It was nice to meet you.
Bye, guys.
- Yeah.
- See you at 2:30.
- Right.
You all right, Murray? I'm in love.
Who with? Her from tech support.
What about your wife? - I'm separated.
- Are you? - Are you? - Yes! You should have told us something.
I moved in with you guys for a month.
- I was upset, remember? - Oh, is that why you were there? Oh, come on, guys.
- You talked me down off the roof.
- Ah, yes yes.
- Remember? - No.
And "The Dog Show" takes a break next week That was a great episode of "The Dog Show.
" That guy was so rude to me.
- What guy? - The the guy at the fruit shop.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's unbelievable.
He just insulted me.
He was all right.
No, he was racist.
And the guy told us to leave, said he wouldn't serve our kind.
- Yeah.
- That's racist and a little bit rude.
Yeah.
Well who knows what he could have meant? Channel 1 New Zealand's 1.
Coming up tonight at 8:00 we have an episode of "What Have You Done to My House?" And now it's time for everyone's favorite dragon, "Albi.
" - # In the Marmalade Forest # - # Forest # # Between the make-believe trees # # In a cottage-cheese cottage # - # Lives Albi # - # Albi # - # Albi # - # Albi # # Albi, the Racist Dragon.
# Part six.
And so, all of the villagers chased Albi the Racist Dragon into a very cold and very scary cave.
It was so dark and so scary in there that Albi began to cry dragon tears, which, as we all know, turn into jellybeans! Just then, he felt a tiny hand on his tail.
And he turned around and who should it be but the badly burned Albanian boy from the day before.
What are you doing? I thought I killed you yesterday grumbled Albi quite racistly.
Nah, no, Albi.
You didn't kill me with your dragon flames.
I crawled to safety.
But I was left very badly disfigured laughed the boy.
Why are you crying, Albi? Well, all of the villagers chased me into this scary cave.
I think it's because I'm so racist.
Get your hand off my tail, you'll make it dirty.
They didn't chase you here because of your racism.
They chased me here too when I became all disfigured like this.
They just don't like us because because we're different to them.
And at that, Albi cried a single tear which turned into a jellybean all the colors of the rainbow.
And suddenly, Albi wasn't racist anymore.
- # So they sat in the cave # - # The cave # - # And ate bubblegum pie # - # Yum! # # Albi, the Racist # # Albi, the Racist # # Albi, the Racist # Well, not anymore.
# Dragon # Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Are you crying over the kids' show? Yes.
So? - Are you crying? - Yeah.
So what? So he wouldn't serve us, basically, just because we're from New Zealand.
Is that the norm? Well, you guys are in America now and there's a lot of "prejudism" here, especially towards people like you.
What do you mean people like us? You know, the the English and whatnot.
- Redcoats the oppressors.
- We're not English Be that as it may, Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Wh wh what about black people? They don't like you either.
Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, the Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian.
You hate us? Yeah.
Sometimes.
But you're our best friend.
I know.
You can't sit there, gotta go to the back.
I'm sorry.
Back of the bus.
Why don't you get an apple from someone who doesn't hate our country, Bret? Thanks so much.
Excuse me, I'd like to buy this apple, please.
New Zealander stop touching my fruit! It's not allowed.
What's wrong with New Zealanders? Hey, Neila! Can we bleach this one up? It's been infected! I wanna buy that.
I'll pay for it.
No, not this apple, New Zealandy.
You can buy apples from over there my special New Zealand section.
$10 apiece.
There's a dog in the New Zealand section.
Well, it's for dogs from America and people from New Zealand.
Yeah, you're being racist.
How dare you call me a racist! He doesn't mean racist.
He means xenophobic.
Oh.
Well, you're being xenophobic.
You know what? Just get lost, New Zealanders.
I'm not going anywhere till I get a Red Delicious and a banana.
You want a brown delicious to the face? No.
You wanna make trouble for me, huh? I don't.
Bret was sort of driving this situation.
We're not going anywhere till we get an apple.
I'm gonna count to 10.
You are you counting in your head? - Yeah.
- What are you up to? - Seven.
- Oh.
Yeah, get your shitty bikes and get out of here before I peel your beard off! # There's too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # There's too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # uck # # Too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # With my shi # # How many mother uckers? # # Too many to count, mother uckers # # I pay my mother ucking rent fortnightly # # Mother uckers at the bank trying to play me # # An amount from my account goes out on A.
P.
# # On A.
P.
# # Yeah, you know me # # Mother ucker charge a two-buck transaction fee # # Makes my payment short, my rent comes back to me # # Minus a $25 penalty # # So you fee me 'cause of your mother ucking fee # # Read the word on my ATM slip # # Said we're all mother uckers # # and we're ucking with your shi, come on # # Too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # My transactional shi # # There's too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # My weekly statement shi # # Too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # With my balance shi # # How many mother uckers? # # Too many to count, mother uckers # # The mother ucker runs a racist ucking grocery # # The mother ucker won't sell an apple to a Kiwi # # The shi fight's gonna get vicious and malicious # # Cut the cr I need my Red Delicious # # Tells me that as a Kiwi that my money isn't valid # # Gonna dice the mother ucker like a mother ucking # # Then on Granny Smith up # # An avocado # # uckin' mango # # Then uckin' pop an apple in his ass, yeah # # Too many mother uckers - ucking with my shi # # I'm gonna juice the mother uckers # # There's too many mother uckers - ucking with my shi # # He's gonna wake up in a smoothie # # Too many mother uckers - ucking with my # # Everybody, come on # # Yeah # # Too many mother uckers - ucking with my shhh! # - How's it going? - Pretty bad.
We're in the middle of a race war, Murray.
What's that? Bad.
We're in the middle of a race war.
Have you guys written any songs? - We've been too busy with the race war.
- We're in a race war.
- All right! - It's very time consuming.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, Greg told me you need help with your computer.
Uh, yeah.
Um, I just can't seem to turn it on.
It is on.
Oh! Oh, it just comes on! That's weird.
- Is that all? - Yeah.
Sorry.
You're a lifesaver.
Is it hot in here? Yep.
Hey.
Oh, no.
- I've written a love song.
- For us? No, for her, the tech support woman.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I mean I'm not, you know, embarrassed to admit this, but I can't really put my emotions into into words.
So I've decided to use lyrics.
Well, this they're also words.
Oh, well can you help me with it because you're songwriters? Yeah, well what have you got? All right, well, I've got this is what I've got so far.
Um here we are.
# Hi.
# I like it.
- Yeah? - "Hi"? - Yep.
- Is that it? Yeah.
- No more words? - No.
- It's better than I expected.
- Really? - Mmm.
- What do you think? Have you thought about adding some more words? I don't know.
I don't want to make it too convoluted.
You probably want more than one word.
How about this? I've got: "I like pie.
I had a budgie but it died.
" I don't know if you should tell her about your dead parrot, should you? Well, it's just that it brings up emotions for me.
Um, and then I've just got some rhymes.
"I'm shy.
I'm a guy.
- I wear ties.
" - Mmm.
And then I've put notes about her.
- She's got great legs.
- Oh, yeah.
- Great great hair.
- Ooh, are you crazy? - Wow, smokin' hot.
Whew.
- That's what I think.
- Yeah, that's what you think.
- Yeah.
- And, um - Well what about: # Hot leggy blonde chick, got it going on # # Wanna see you wearing that thong thong thong # # Panties on # Ooh.
No, that whole thing's it's inappropriate.
I can't say that in the workplace, can I? Too much mumbling.
Yeah, a lot of it was inaudible.
No, I think I'll just stick with what I've got.
And that's it's simple.
It's it's nice.
# Hi.
# Yeah.
- Greg? - What's up, Murray? Ah, yes, Greg, oh, can you bring in the, um, tech support woman, please? My computer again.
- You wanna see Jessica again? - Yes, thank you.
Ah, Jessica.
That's her name.
Go on, out you go! Meeting over.
- Hello, Music Library.
- Hello.
Do you have the new Gipsy Kings cassette? Let me check.
- Yes, we have it.
- I would like to reserve it.
I'll put it aside for you.
Excellent.
Goodbye.
With telephones, you make the call.
I think I'm gonna write him a letter, tell him how I feel.
Yeah.
You know what you could do? Inject strychnine into a piece of his fruit.
Then when a customer dies, the C.
I.
A.
Will trace it back to the vendor and he's going straight to the big house Alcatraz.
Yeah, I don't really wanna kill anyone though, Dave.
Why not? Haven't you seen "Escape From Alcatraz"? It wasn't easy, bro.
Forget about it.
What about oh, no no, never mind.
- What? - What was it? No, it wouldn't work.
It wouldn't work.
No, so? Well, sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person.
- How do they know? - They don't know.
I know, that's why I didn't suggest it.
So what you guys need is something a little more subtle than framing him for murder, which I actually think is still a great idea, but more obvious than thinking mean thoughts about him.
Why don't you just insult him back? Hey, New Zealanders! He's out there.
New Zealanders are all unhygienic! That that's a stereotype! Hey, what are you guys doing? You, uh, you bungee jumping up there? - No.
- No.
No, we're not.
Hey, New Zealanders all have tartar on their teeth! Say a comeback to him! He's shouting stereotypes racist stereotypes at us.
You gotta let him have it, man.
Banana balls! You look like a a something like a banana balls.
New Zealanders all mumble.
I can't understand you.
- He turned it around back on us.
- Flip him the bird.
- What? - Flip him the bird.
Damn.
Well, look, if you just wanna let this guy know you're not gonna take his shit anymore, just flip him the bird.
- Yeah? - Right.
If you you need a comeback, but you can't think of something, - flip him the bird.
- Yeah, okay.
That's it.
That's all you gotta do.
Okay.
What is the bird? - What's that? - That's the bird.
Well, that bird doesn't have any wings.
- It's only got one leg.
- Have you seen this one, Dave? No no No, that's not the bird, this is the bird.
- No, that's the bird - This is more like a bird.
- No, that's the bird.
- That's not the bird.
This is the bird, Bret.
- That's wha that's a little bird.
- What about this? No, that just looks stupid.
It looks like you're like waving to two people on either side of you.
Oh, that does too.
Dude, you gotta you you this is it.
I mean, there's nothing offensive about that hand gesture.
Yeah, but try putting some wings on your bird.
- There we go.
That's much nicer.
- But you don't wanna be nice.
What if what if you were doing that one and then I snuck up behind you - and then you doing your one - Don't ever That looks a lot more like a bird.
It's not a fucking school play production.
- It's the bird.
- And what's offensive about that? Because, you Scottish freak, it's your way of saying, "Hey, you better not disrespect me, man, even though I'm gonna disrespect you.
" Can you show me how to do that? Yeah.
I could show you.
Bird.
Got it? No, but you don't have to Wrong finger.
Good! Around, and up.
Good, Bret.
Around and up.
- How about that? - Nice.
Exactly.
Nice.
One minute, Hey hey! Cool it, man! What are you doing? Hey! Hey! Neila! Cover your eyes! How dare you come here and give me those offensive hand gestures at my fruit stand? It was either this or getting you sent into Alcatraz.
How dare you treat us like secondhand citizens? It doesn't matter what country someone's from or what they look like or the color of their skin.
It doesn't matter what they smell like.
Or whether they spell words slightly differently some would say more correctly.
- Yeah? - Let me finish.
I'm a person.
- Bret's a person.
- Yep.
You're a person.
That person over there is a person.
And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
That's a great speech.
Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
No, you're thinking of Australians.
- Yeah, that's Australians.
- That's Australians.
No no no.
New Zealanders.
Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
Ride around on your kangaroos all day.
- No no no no.
- That's Australians.
You're thinking of Australians, that's not us.
I've totally confused you with Australians.
- L I feel terrible.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Your accents they're just kinda similar.
The accents are completely different.
Th they're like, "Where's the car?" And we're like, "Where's the car?" You know what? Hey, ha have some of my fruit.
Please, I feel terrible.
- Do you want that Red Delicious still? - Oh, I would love - the Red Delicious, yeah.
- Well, this Red Delicious is on me.
- You still want that banana? - Thank you.
- I'd love the banana.
- Here.
Here you go.
- Oh, that's so crazy.
- I'm Sinjay.
- I'm Jemaine.
Good to meet you.
- Bret.
Neila.
You can you can uncover your eyes.
They're not Australian.
They're New Zealanders.
# Hi, leggy blonde # # Hi, leggy blonde # Greg, can you come in here, please? What is it, Murray? Yes, um, can you get Jessica from tech support? My computer's broken.
Oh, she's no longer here.
Oh, that's fine.
We'll do it in the morning.
No, I mean she's finished installing the new computer system.
- She's not coming back.
- Oh, right.
She's gone.
Oh.
Can I help you, Murray? No.
# Goodbye # # Goodbye-ee-eye # # Leggy blonde # # Every day I look across the office floor # # There you were, your hair down to your legs # # And your legs down to the floor # # Leggy blonde, goodbye # # Goodbye # # Now that you are gone # # I'll never see you here for tech repair # # I wish you knew how much I loved your legs # # And your hair # # Leggy blonde, goodbye # # Goodbye # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie # # Leggy blonde # # Goodbye, goodbye # # I had a budgie but it died # # Whoa whoa # # I like pie # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # - # Blondie blondie # - # Leggy blonde # # I'll never get # # I'll never get to be with you # # I'll never get to share another cup of tea with you # # Never get to let you know how much I think of you # # I'll never get to tear your clothes off on the photocopier # - # He'll never get # - # He'll never get # # He'll never get # # He'll never get to say # # Hot leggy blonde, you got it goin' on # # Wanna see you wearin' that thong thong thong # # See you get it on to the break of dawn # # Panties on # # Goodbye.
#
Next please? - Can I grab one of the apples, please? - Uh, you, sir? - And a and a banana.
- I think he was first.
No, you were first.
What are you having, sir? - Uh, two apples.
- All right.
Don't don't forget to get me my, uh, banana.
Thanks.
Excuse me, sir, I'll just, um get one of the apples, please.
- And a banana.
- A banana.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Look, guys, I don't want any trouble here, all right? - I'm sorry? - Where are you from? - New Zealand.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why don't you get lost? I don't serve your kind here.
Um, I'd just like to buy an apple, please? - And and a banana, Bret.
- That one, thanks.
That apple isn't for sale.
Neila, can you go boil this in disinfectant? Thank you.
I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.
Hmm.
Okay, well, thank you very much.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Okay, band meeting.
Jemaine.
- Yes.
- Bret.
What's wrong with being from New Zealand? Are you picking on Bret again, Jemaine? No, I I didn't pick on him.
- It was a - You're from New Zealand as well.
Yeah, I know that.
Murray present.
And I'm from New Zealand.
You're insulting me as well.
I didn't but but it wasn't even me that You're hurting all of us when you bring down New Zealand, okay? - Stop it.
- L but I didn't pick on him.
Tension in the band.
Bret upset.
All sorted now.
- Do we have any gigs, Murray or - No.
Any band opportunities? Actually, Bret, something from your mom.
Here we are.
You might like this.
I don't know what it is.
It seems empty.
Oh, great.
This is my favorite box.
And I got this from my mom.
Nothing from your mom, Jemaine.
So? I'm just saying, all right? I've got a DVD here that Mom recorded from TV shows back home.
I thought you might wanna watch it.
That's not a DVD, by the way.
Yes, it is.
Dubbed video dub.
Oh, hello.
- Tech support.
- Uh, sorry to interrupt.
Um, I got your memo.
You wanted to know when I'd be installing your new computer? - Yes.
- Still 2:30.
Okay.
Good.
I'm still free then.
Okay.
See ya.
Oh, this is my band I was telling you about.
- This is, uh, Jemaine.
- How are ya? - Hi.
Hi.
- And this is Bret.
And this is tech support advisor.
She's putting all the new computers in in the office.
- Ahh.
- Wow.
Upgrading from the old system now.
already obsolete, that one.
- They move fast now, don't they? - Hmm, yes.
Upgrading.
Yeah.
We're just having a band meeting talking about upcoming gigs, - that sort of thing.
- Yeah, there's none.
- It's pretty rock and roll - Right.
- The sort of thing we talk about - Well, I gotta go.
- It was nice to meet you.
Bye, guys.
- Yeah.
- See you at 2:30.
- Right.
You all right, Murray? I'm in love.
Who with? Her from tech support.
What about your wife? - I'm separated.
- Are you? - Are you? - Yes! You should have told us something.
I moved in with you guys for a month.
- I was upset, remember? - Oh, is that why you were there? Oh, come on, guys.
- You talked me down off the roof.
- Ah, yes yes.
- Remember? - No.
And "The Dog Show" takes a break next week That was a great episode of "The Dog Show.
" That guy was so rude to me.
- What guy? - The the guy at the fruit shop.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's unbelievable.
He just insulted me.
He was all right.
No, he was racist.
And the guy told us to leave, said he wouldn't serve our kind.
- Yeah.
- That's racist and a little bit rude.
Yeah.
Well who knows what he could have meant? Channel 1 New Zealand's 1.
Coming up tonight at 8:00 we have an episode of "What Have You Done to My House?" And now it's time for everyone's favorite dragon, "Albi.
" - # In the Marmalade Forest # - # Forest # # Between the make-believe trees # # In a cottage-cheese cottage # - # Lives Albi # - # Albi # - # Albi # - # Albi # # Albi, the Racist Dragon.
# Part six.
And so, all of the villagers chased Albi the Racist Dragon into a very cold and very scary cave.
It was so dark and so scary in there that Albi began to cry dragon tears, which, as we all know, turn into jellybeans! Just then, he felt a tiny hand on his tail.
And he turned around and who should it be but the badly burned Albanian boy from the day before.
What are you doing? I thought I killed you yesterday grumbled Albi quite racistly.
Nah, no, Albi.
You didn't kill me with your dragon flames.
I crawled to safety.
But I was left very badly disfigured laughed the boy.
Why are you crying, Albi? Well, all of the villagers chased me into this scary cave.
I think it's because I'm so racist.
Get your hand off my tail, you'll make it dirty.
They didn't chase you here because of your racism.
They chased me here too when I became all disfigured like this.
They just don't like us because because we're different to them.
And at that, Albi cried a single tear which turned into a jellybean all the colors of the rainbow.
And suddenly, Albi wasn't racist anymore.
- # So they sat in the cave # - # The cave # - # And ate bubblegum pie # - # Yum! # # Albi, the Racist # # Albi, the Racist # # Albi, the Racist # Well, not anymore.
# Dragon # Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Are you crying over the kids' show? Yes.
So? - Are you crying? - Yeah.
So what? So he wouldn't serve us, basically, just because we're from New Zealand.
Is that the norm? Well, you guys are in America now and there's a lot of "prejudism" here, especially towards people like you.
What do you mean people like us? You know, the the English and whatnot.
- Redcoats the oppressors.
- We're not English Be that as it may, Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Wh wh what about black people? They don't like you either.
Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, the Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian.
You hate us? Yeah.
Sometimes.
But you're our best friend.
I know.
You can't sit there, gotta go to the back.
I'm sorry.
Back of the bus.
Why don't you get an apple from someone who doesn't hate our country, Bret? Thanks so much.
Excuse me, I'd like to buy this apple, please.
New Zealander stop touching my fruit! It's not allowed.
What's wrong with New Zealanders? Hey, Neila! Can we bleach this one up? It's been infected! I wanna buy that.
I'll pay for it.
No, not this apple, New Zealandy.
You can buy apples from over there my special New Zealand section.
$10 apiece.
There's a dog in the New Zealand section.
Well, it's for dogs from America and people from New Zealand.
Yeah, you're being racist.
How dare you call me a racist! He doesn't mean racist.
He means xenophobic.
Oh.
Well, you're being xenophobic.
You know what? Just get lost, New Zealanders.
I'm not going anywhere till I get a Red Delicious and a banana.
You want a brown delicious to the face? No.
You wanna make trouble for me, huh? I don't.
Bret was sort of driving this situation.
We're not going anywhere till we get an apple.
I'm gonna count to 10.
You are you counting in your head? - Yeah.
- What are you up to? - Seven.
- Oh.
Yeah, get your shitty bikes and get out of here before I peel your beard off! # There's too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # There's too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # uck # # Too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # With my shi # # How many mother uckers? # # Too many to count, mother uckers # # I pay my mother ucking rent fortnightly # # Mother uckers at the bank trying to play me # # An amount from my account goes out on A.
P.
# # On A.
P.
# # Yeah, you know me # # Mother ucker charge a two-buck transaction fee # # Makes my payment short, my rent comes back to me # # Minus a $25 penalty # # So you fee me 'cause of your mother ucking fee # # Read the word on my ATM slip # # Said we're all mother uckers # # and we're ucking with your shi, come on # # Too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # My transactional shi # # There's too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # My weekly statement shi # # Too many mother uckers # # ucking with my shi # # With my balance shi # # How many mother uckers? # # Too many to count, mother uckers # # The mother ucker runs a racist ucking grocery # # The mother ucker won't sell an apple to a Kiwi # # The shi fight's gonna get vicious and malicious # # Cut the cr I need my Red Delicious # # Tells me that as a Kiwi that my money isn't valid # # Gonna dice the mother ucker like a mother ucking # # Then on Granny Smith up # # An avocado # # uckin' mango # # Then uckin' pop an apple in his ass, yeah # # Too many mother uckers - ucking with my shi # # I'm gonna juice the mother uckers # # There's too many mother uckers - ucking with my shi # # He's gonna wake up in a smoothie # # Too many mother uckers - ucking with my # # Everybody, come on # # Yeah # # Too many mother uckers - ucking with my shhh! # - How's it going? - Pretty bad.
We're in the middle of a race war, Murray.
What's that? Bad.
We're in the middle of a race war.
Have you guys written any songs? - We've been too busy with the race war.
- We're in a race war.
- All right! - It's very time consuming.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, Greg told me you need help with your computer.
Uh, yeah.
Um, I just can't seem to turn it on.
It is on.
Oh! Oh, it just comes on! That's weird.
- Is that all? - Yeah.
Sorry.
You're a lifesaver.
Is it hot in here? Yep.
Hey.
Oh, no.
- I've written a love song.
- For us? No, for her, the tech support woman.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I mean I'm not, you know, embarrassed to admit this, but I can't really put my emotions into into words.
So I've decided to use lyrics.
Well, this they're also words.
Oh, well can you help me with it because you're songwriters? Yeah, well what have you got? All right, well, I've got this is what I've got so far.
Um here we are.
# Hi.
# I like it.
- Yeah? - "Hi"? - Yep.
- Is that it? Yeah.
- No more words? - No.
- It's better than I expected.
- Really? - Mmm.
- What do you think? Have you thought about adding some more words? I don't know.
I don't want to make it too convoluted.
You probably want more than one word.
How about this? I've got: "I like pie.
I had a budgie but it died.
" I don't know if you should tell her about your dead parrot, should you? Well, it's just that it brings up emotions for me.
Um, and then I've just got some rhymes.
"I'm shy.
I'm a guy.
- I wear ties.
" - Mmm.
And then I've put notes about her.
- She's got great legs.
- Oh, yeah.
- Great great hair.
- Ooh, are you crazy? - Wow, smokin' hot.
Whew.
- That's what I think.
- Yeah, that's what you think.
- Yeah.
- And, um - Well what about: # Hot leggy blonde chick, got it going on # # Wanna see you wearing that thong thong thong # # Panties on # Ooh.
No, that whole thing's it's inappropriate.
I can't say that in the workplace, can I? Too much mumbling.
Yeah, a lot of it was inaudible.
No, I think I'll just stick with what I've got.
And that's it's simple.
It's it's nice.
# Hi.
# Yeah.
- Greg? - What's up, Murray? Ah, yes, Greg, oh, can you bring in the, um, tech support woman, please? My computer again.
- You wanna see Jessica again? - Yes, thank you.
Ah, Jessica.
That's her name.
Go on, out you go! Meeting over.
- Hello, Music Library.
- Hello.
Do you have the new Gipsy Kings cassette? Let me check.
- Yes, we have it.
- I would like to reserve it.
I'll put it aside for you.
Excellent.
Goodbye.
With telephones, you make the call.
I think I'm gonna write him a letter, tell him how I feel.
Yeah.
You know what you could do? Inject strychnine into a piece of his fruit.
Then when a customer dies, the C.
I.
A.
Will trace it back to the vendor and he's going straight to the big house Alcatraz.
Yeah, I don't really wanna kill anyone though, Dave.
Why not? Haven't you seen "Escape From Alcatraz"? It wasn't easy, bro.
Forget about it.
What about oh, no no, never mind.
- What? - What was it? No, it wouldn't work.
It wouldn't work.
No, so? Well, sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person.
- How do they know? - They don't know.
I know, that's why I didn't suggest it.
So what you guys need is something a little more subtle than framing him for murder, which I actually think is still a great idea, but more obvious than thinking mean thoughts about him.
Why don't you just insult him back? Hey, New Zealanders! He's out there.
New Zealanders are all unhygienic! That that's a stereotype! Hey, what are you guys doing? You, uh, you bungee jumping up there? - No.
- No.
No, we're not.
Hey, New Zealanders all have tartar on their teeth! Say a comeback to him! He's shouting stereotypes racist stereotypes at us.
You gotta let him have it, man.
Banana balls! You look like a a something like a banana balls.
New Zealanders all mumble.
I can't understand you.
- He turned it around back on us.
- Flip him the bird.
- What? - Flip him the bird.
Damn.
Well, look, if you just wanna let this guy know you're not gonna take his shit anymore, just flip him the bird.
- Yeah? - Right.
If you you need a comeback, but you can't think of something, - flip him the bird.
- Yeah, okay.
That's it.
That's all you gotta do.
Okay.
What is the bird? - What's that? - That's the bird.
Well, that bird doesn't have any wings.
- It's only got one leg.
- Have you seen this one, Dave? No no No, that's not the bird, this is the bird.
- No, that's the bird - This is more like a bird.
- No, that's the bird.
- That's not the bird.
This is the bird, Bret.
- That's wha that's a little bird.
- What about this? No, that just looks stupid.
It looks like you're like waving to two people on either side of you.
Oh, that does too.
Dude, you gotta you you this is it.
I mean, there's nothing offensive about that hand gesture.
Yeah, but try putting some wings on your bird.
- There we go.
That's much nicer.
- But you don't wanna be nice.
What if what if you were doing that one and then I snuck up behind you - and then you doing your one - Don't ever That looks a lot more like a bird.
It's not a fucking school play production.
- It's the bird.
- And what's offensive about that? Because, you Scottish freak, it's your way of saying, "Hey, you better not disrespect me, man, even though I'm gonna disrespect you.
" Can you show me how to do that? Yeah.
I could show you.
Bird.
Got it? No, but you don't have to Wrong finger.
Good! Around, and up.
Good, Bret.
Around and up.
- How about that? - Nice.
Exactly.
Nice.
One minute, Hey hey! Cool it, man! What are you doing? Hey! Hey! Neila! Cover your eyes! How dare you come here and give me those offensive hand gestures at my fruit stand? It was either this or getting you sent into Alcatraz.
How dare you treat us like secondhand citizens? It doesn't matter what country someone's from or what they look like or the color of their skin.
It doesn't matter what they smell like.
Or whether they spell words slightly differently some would say more correctly.
- Yeah? - Let me finish.
I'm a person.
- Bret's a person.
- Yep.
You're a person.
That person over there is a person.
And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
That's a great speech.
Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
No, you're thinking of Australians.
- Yeah, that's Australians.
- That's Australians.
No no no.
New Zealanders.
Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
Ride around on your kangaroos all day.
- No no no no.
- That's Australians.
You're thinking of Australians, that's not us.
I've totally confused you with Australians.
- L I feel terrible.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Your accents they're just kinda similar.
The accents are completely different.
Th they're like, "Where's the car?" And we're like, "Where's the car?" You know what? Hey, ha have some of my fruit.
Please, I feel terrible.
- Do you want that Red Delicious still? - Oh, I would love - the Red Delicious, yeah.
- Well, this Red Delicious is on me.
- You still want that banana? - Thank you.
- I'd love the banana.
- Here.
Here you go.
- Oh, that's so crazy.
- I'm Sinjay.
- I'm Jemaine.
Good to meet you.
- Bret.
Neila.
You can you can uncover your eyes.
They're not Australian.
They're New Zealanders.
# Hi, leggy blonde # # Hi, leggy blonde # Greg, can you come in here, please? What is it, Murray? Yes, um, can you get Jessica from tech support? My computer's broken.
Oh, she's no longer here.
Oh, that's fine.
We'll do it in the morning.
No, I mean she's finished installing the new computer system.
- She's not coming back.
- Oh, right.
She's gone.
Oh.
Can I help you, Murray? No.
# Goodbye # # Goodbye-ee-eye # # Leggy blonde # # Every day I look across the office floor # # There you were, your hair down to your legs # # And your legs down to the floor # # Leggy blonde, goodbye # # Goodbye # # Now that you are gone # # I'll never see you here for tech repair # # I wish you knew how much I loved your legs # # And your hair # # Leggy blonde, goodbye # # Goodbye # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie # # Leggy blonde # # Goodbye, goodbye # # I had a budgie but it died # # Whoa whoa # # I like pie # # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Leggy leggy leggy leggy # - # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # # Blondie blondie blondie blondie # - # Blondie blondie # - # Leggy blonde # # I'll never get # # I'll never get to be with you # # I'll never get to share another cup of tea with you # # Never get to let you know how much I think of you # # I'll never get to tear your clothes off on the photocopier # - # He'll never get # - # He'll never get # # He'll never get # # He'll never get to say # # Hot leggy blonde, you got it goin' on # # Wanna see you wearin' that thong thong thong # # See you get it on to the break of dawn # # Panties on # # Goodbye.
#